A Change of Plans

"I do believe that's my name you just read out." The man's lips curved into the slightest grin as he took a step towards the trio, slow but not hesitant, out from the corridor beside the front doors. He may have been their parents' age, or he may have been closer to their grandmother's - they weren't the best at estimating how old humans were. His gray hair was thinning, combed back neatly, and came down just below his ears. Half-frame spectacles sat low on his nose. His understated charcoal colored tunic and pants were pressed and well fitted. He was probably around Uncle Artie's height, as the top of his head met Felicia's eyeline.

"Oh! Uh… right. Heh." Farkle picked the polished plaque back up and fumbled to wipe his fingerprints off with his shirt tail, only to leave more on it as he put it back on the desk, askant from its original position.

"I'm sorry, Doctor– have we met before?" Fergus asked with a smile, hoping he wouldn't offend the apparent gatekeeper of their goal, if they had indeed at some point met. They very well may have met him at some point - they'd met so many random people of various locations and celebrity statuses over the years, and had been educated and briefed on even more.

"Oh no," Dr. Sternbluff replied, sounding a bit sheepish himself as he made his way around the front desk to take a seat, "Perhaps my greeting began a bit too familiar, for which I apologize." He took his spectacles off and wiped them with a handkerchief from the breast pocket of his brown corduroy jacket. "But I do, of course, know who you three are, and who your parents are." He examined his spotless glasses, then replaced them at the end of his nose.

"Oh! Well, we're kinda used to that," Felicia replied in a friendly tone. She quickly caught how Sternbluff may interpret what she said, to which she added, "I mean– not that we assume everyone knows who we are, but– uh, I mean– it's fine." She exhaled in spite of herself, with a small self-aware grin.

Sternbluff lifted a gentle hand, accepting Felicia's gesture with a smile. "This facility doesn't get all that many visitors, much less ones with such a personal connection to our town's history, so please excuse me." His fingers found a book in a small shelf on his desk, and he opened it to its bookmarked page. "I would consider it a privilege to guide you three through our exhibit. Did you have tickets?"

The three's eyes collectively widened, and their ears receded as they recalled their snafu at the front gate.

"Well, uh, we did pay for them–" Fergus offered quickly, ready to rattle off their entire alibi, "but the guy at the–"

"Ah. Say no more," Sternbluff sighed, understanding in his tone as he wet his quill in its ink pot, and quickly checked three boxes on the page. "Lyle has a weak constitution. I would have waived them had you not, but I do appreciate it." He turned the open book toward the ogres, and extended the quill. Farkle plucked the quill from Sternbluff's hand and scrawled his name next to the first checkmark. Felicia took it next, and then Fergus. He fanned the wet ink of their three signatures before turning the book and quill back to Sternbluff. Sternbluff looked at the three names in his book for a quick moment, then closed it and rose from his seat.

"So. Shall we?" Sternbluff stood from his desk and gestured an arm down the center aisle of bookshelves. The siblings' eyes lit up, and they followed the curator past the towering collections of books, toward the main exhibit.

"I must ask," Sternbluff asked over his shoulder, still moving forward, "what does bring you three here?"

If the ogres were able to be completely honest, they would have answered that they were hoping the exhibit contained the original map to the Dragon's Keep that Lord Farquaad had acquired nearly two decades ago, that they could peruse, if not just take - so they too could take the same quest that their father and Uncle Donkey took. But they knew better. They weren't even completely sure this exhibit would have the map at all. It was an educated guess, really. If it wasn't in the exhibit, they planned to check with the Town Clerk. And if both turned up nothing… they'd try something else. They had six months, after all. But this was a good start, a smart and logical start. And even if it ended up not how they desired, then it wouldn't be a complete waste of time.

"Well," Felicia said cheerily, "we've known about Duloc our whole lives, of course–"

"Then we heard about this exhibit," Fergus interrupted loudly, nudging her aside with his shoulder, "so we wanted to come see it for ourselves. Maybe learn something new, from a different perspective." Felicia rolled her eyes at Fergus's kiss-assery, Sternbluff's attention already turned back forward.

"Your parents didn't want to join you?" There was a wryness in Sternbluff's tone as he walked forward.

"Nah," Farkle inserted, "they've had enough of Duloc for a lifetime."

Fergus clenched - that was not the attitude they wanted to give off, not here. He stopped himself from giving his brother a kick in the derrière, settling for a glare that bored through the back of his head.

Sternbluff chuckled, unphased. "You know, I can understand that, given everything that happened the last time they were here." Felicia immediately recognized the glint of recognition as his eyes fell on her. Especially in the last couple years, she only ever heard how much she looked like her mother - her auburn hair, her blue eyes, her face shape and structure, even her voice was quite similar. There was a reason she wore her hair up in a warzone cross between a ponytail and a top bun, and had cut choppy bangs that went across her forehead - though, at the moment, a little shorter than she'd have liked.

Her brothers didn't get nearly as many comments about looking like their father, much to Felicia's chagrin. It helped that they both had hair, which instantly differentiated them from Shrek. Though, when Fergus brushed his hair away from his face, the receding hairline was already apparent. Farkle was quite pleased with his overgrown bird's nest of curls, decidedly not receding. And while they obviously took more after their father physically, Fiona's genes did influence them some, and their faces fell somewhere between the two parents.

Felicia had learned to suppress the urge to roll her eyes when she saw the wheels turning in people's heads. But here, today, for this, she'd absolutely play along if it got them what they wanted.

"So yeah!" Fergus chirped, resuming his flattery. "We're just so interested to hear about that day from another source - and how Duloc fared afterward, too! That's something we never learned much about."

"Well then, you three have certainly come to the right place." Sternbluff replied with a calm enthusiasm as the seemingly endless bookshelf corridor ended, opening into a large open area surrounded by exhibit walls. The ogres were so floored by the expanse of the massive collection before them, they briefly forgot their single-minded goal and just soaked in the moment.

The wall directly in front of them, labeled "Duloc: The Rise and Fall of Farquaad" high up that they'd spotted from the front desk, was flanked to the left by "Duloc: Early Founding" and to the right by "Duloc: Reconstruction and Beyond." Below the large titles along the top of each wall were photo enlargements, portraits, and various items such as clothing and other artifacts, all with corresponding informational captions.

"So, would you like to start at the beginning?" Sternbluff turned back to the ogres as he stood in front of the first chronological exhibit. His words snapped the three out of their genuine moment of interest, and they realized they hadn't actually been examining the walls looking for the map. They quickly glanced between themselves, realizing they had to commit. But, the fact that they were indeed authentically taken in by what was before them, they weren't all that put off by it. They all nodded back at Sternbluff, their eyes alight with interest.

"Excellent!" Sternbluff replied as he took his glasses off again, cleaning them on his tunic reflexively. "Let's get started." He turned toward the "Early Founding" wall and walked up to the velvet ropes in front of the artifact-lined walls, to prevent wayward fingers from marring history. He cleared his throat as his posture adjusted seamlessly, gesturing to the first painting: what was clearly Duloc's outer walls under siege from soldiers on horseback, aiming flaming arrows at the forces protecting the city. The comically large and tall main castle, in which the four of them stood right now, was noticeably absent.

"The year 389 saw the end of the decade-long Boltoph's War, which saw much bloodshed from both the invading Boltoph forces, as well as the defending forces, led by the great General Dumont Locscapald. When the dust settled, the…"

Farkle found himself unable to focus on Sternbluff's words much past his first sentence. Not because it wasn't interesting per se, but because it just reminded him of formal education, something he thought he'd never have to experience again. It vaguely occurred to him he'd probably be much more engaged if he was able to peruse the exhibit on his own. He couldn't help his eyes from wandering around the room, limited only by his feet remaining forward where his attention was supposed to be. After exhausting all of the bright paintings and swords and shields and garments mounted in the "Early Founding" display, his eyes were tempted further right, toward the "Rise and Fall of Farquaad" wall.

In his peripheral, he noticed his siblings moving down the wall following Sternbluff, which Farkle mirrored. Sternbluff's back was still turned to them, fully engrossed in his tour. Once the group settled again, his eyes found their way back to the center wall display. His attention automatically fell on a pair of ornate, jeweled crowns - they sat within a special glass case, as opposed to the rest of the artifacts that were simply attached to the wall. His eyes moved left of the glass case - there were shards of stained glass making a fractured image of the previous ruler… a large cue card scrawled with "Aawww"... and an inconspicuous roll of parchment, tied with a velvet ribbon.

Farkle's eyes widened. That's it. It had to be it.

"Ah, the draw of the main event is hard to resist, hm?" Sternbluff had broken from his historical presentation, having finally noticed Farkle's complete shift in focus.

Farkle's head immediately snapped back forward, his face flushing. Felicia and Fergus shot daggers at him, their heads turned away from and unseen by Sternbluff.

"Sorry, Doctor," Farkle stammered, "I, uh–"

"Actually, son," Sternbluff started, briefly looking at the gold chained watch from his breast pocket, "maybe we should move ahead, if we're going to get it all in before we close for the day. We've got a half hour left, so let's do that." Sternbluff strode across to the center display, the ogres left in his wake. Farkle considered silently communicating what he had seen, but ended up just shrugging, his face both apologetic and satisfied, before he followed after Sternbluff. Fergus and Felicia were left reeling from the panic, to the unexpected success. They waved it off and followed.

"All right, the interesting part," Sternbluff remarked with a knowing smile as he turned back around to the siblings. "And really, the reason I became the Senior Curator of the museum at all, considering I was there that day."

The three ogres' eyes lit up as they all focused on Sternbluff, again taken in by the mythology that surrounded them. "Really?" Felicia asked, a small smile forming on her face.

"Well, it sounds a lot more impressive when I say it like that," Sternbluff replied, wiping his glasses again, "the entire town was there that day - but I was in the very front row. Not by any connection or feat on my end, I just happened to be milling around close to the cathedral when knights were rounding everyone up for the ceremony. No one even knew it was happening until they were dragged out of their homes - Farquaad had left, come back with his bride-to-be, and then set in motion the wedding all within a handful of hours. Then, once the actual ceremony started–" Sternbluff placed his glasses back on his face and looked at the young ogres, "I'm getting ahead of myself. We have an exhibit to explore!"

Sternbluff again turned his back to the ogres, gesturing to a portrait of Farquaad on the day he ascended to the lordship of Duloc and beginning his oration. Farkle subtly tapped Fergus and Felicia, to their initial irritation, but he nodded his head toward the easily-overlooked parchment roll, almost obscured by the shadow of a broken folding chair. Felicia and Fergus's posture immediately tensed, recognizing what Farkle had directed them toward. They discreetly glanced back at him, to confirm their understanding, but just as quickly turning their full physical attention back to Sternbluff.

"...had a penchant for eliminating anything he deemed "unsightly" from his jurisdiction, which in this case was all fairy tale creatures." Sternbluff gestured toward an unfurled scroll outlining Farquaad's arrest orders for knights to enact. "As Farquaad's Army, now known as the Duloc Knight Department or DKD, were rounding up various fairy tale creatures, they attempted to round up something– one, someone," he corrected himself quickly, "that he shouldn't have - an ogre who happened to live in a swamp within Duloc's jurisdiction." Sternbluff looked at the trio, half expecting them to chime in, but they remained silent - to him, listening intently, but in actuality waiting as patiently as possible until his recitation reached the map.

"Unbeknownst to– your father," Sternbluff edited, "the day he arrived in Duloc to argue his ownership of the swamp was also the day Farquaad held a tournament to find a knight fit to rescue Princess Fiona for him - always a fan of subcontracting out his dirty work. Farquaad quickly altered the tournament's goal to kill Shrek, but he swiftly took out all 15 contestants, with some help from his donkey companion." Sternbluff gestured to the broken folding chair mounted on the wall, and the metal beer stein beside it.

"For all of Farquaad's megalomania, he wasn't stupid - he concocted a new plan upon witnessing your father's performance: if Shrek could rescue his princess, Shrek would get the deed to his swamp. Having little choice otherwise - a dozen or so crossbows aimed at him from the castle's balcony notwithstanding - Shrek accepted. They met briefly, during which Farquaad showed Shrek the map to the Dragon's Keep–" Sternbluff stepped right, gesturing to the mounted parchment roll, "after which Shrek and his donkey set off on the quest. It was then–"

"Doctor!" Felicia chirped. "I was wondering, um… why isn't the map unfurled? I mean, what with all the other documents, and portraits on display–"

"Well, as you may know, my dear," Sternbluff said to her, "the Dragon's Keep is an incredibly dangerous site, a dragon still present or not. We can't very well have the liability of headstrong adventurers finding their way there, from information garnered from us." He removed his glasses to habitually wipe again. "The Keep is also empty, condemned even, and has been for nearly two decades, as I'm sure you also know. What reason would anyone have to go there?" His eyes raised up to the three, while his head remained tilted downward toward his spectacles.

"Well," Fergus offered eagerly, "it would just be such a cool thing to see firsthand, for us specifically." He smiled, perhaps a bit too needily.

Sternbluff placed his glasses back on his face, and glanced between the three siblings. "Well, I do believe Far Far Away also has a copy of this exact map in their archives. Surely you could view that one? If you haven't already?"

No, they couldn't. And no, they hadn't already. The whole point of coming to Duloc was to circumvent the inevitable dead ends that would be asking their family, not to mention the fallout of doing so. Not only would asking their parents be unsuccessful, it would hurt their mother. They had no doubt doing so would.

Their best case scenario would be asking Uncle Donkey, and while he wouldn't judge them - and perhaps could be convinced to keep a secret - he too wouldn't budge on the information; same with Aunt Dragon, which was all the more ironic as she could just fly them there in a matter of hours.

And yet… here they were. Directly engaging in something they could never tell anyone they did.

The only other source left for them was what sent their father on his quest in the first place, and even that seemed to now be slipping away right before their eyes. Almost as if Sternbluff knew exactly what they were doing, as if he knew there was a reason they had come to Duloc of all places, as opposed to their closer and easier options.

"Oh well um, of COURSE we have," Farkle inserted, "but to see the one that our dad used specifically, would just be so cool to–"

"I'm sorry, kids," Sternbluff sighed, his smile apologetic but his eyes unwavering, "but I can't go against policy. Even for the children of public figures."

This… wasn't something they anticipated. To Fergus's inner embarrassment, none of them had actually considered the possibility that if this museum indeed had the map - which it did - that they wouldn't be able to view it. It was mere feet from their grasp, and it may as well have been tossed into the lava moat surrounding the Dragon's Keep.

"So, where was I?" Sternbluff sighed, turning back to the display. "Ah yes… two days after being sent–"

"Is there a restroom?" Felicia asked suddenly. Her brothers and Sternbluff looked at her, surprised.

"Oh, uh, yes," Sternbluff answered, gesturing down a hallway beside the "Early Foundings" wall. Felicia nodded and smiled at him thankfully, and as Sternbluff turned his back to her, she gave her brothers a strong eye expression. The boys just glanced at each other, confused, then back to her, to which Felicia rolled her eyes and turned on her heel down the hallway.

She entered the women's lavatory, making sure the door shut behind her. She scanned the facility - there was rust around the sink faucet, the soap and paper towel dispensers were empty, and the tile grout could have used a good scrub. Not up to old Farquaad's standards, she mused.

In front of her was a single window, through which the early sunset shone onto her face. Felicia cupped her hands to better see where this window looked out on - she could make out the outline of a windmill, far in the distance. This window looked out onto the rear side of Duloc, she surmised.

She took a step back, eyeballing the window's dimensions. She could fit through it, just barely. There was a single lever lock at the bottom center of the window. She turned it, to which it initially protested before giving way to her force… giving too way, as the entire lever came off in her hand. She pushed the window, and it opened on its hinges… loudly. Felicia quickly stopped it opening halfway, and spit into her other hand, which she rubbed on the rusty hinges. She tentatively tested the hinges again, and they were silent. She exhaled in relief, as she closed the window and placed the broken lever back in place, as if it had never moved.

Felicia silently stepped back out into the hallway - Sterbluff was still orating to Fergus and Farkle, so she quickly slipped into the men's room beside her. As she suspected, it seemed to be similarly unattended to. And also as she suspected, it had the same size window as the women's - too small for either of her brothers to fit through. She nodded to herself, solidifying the plan in her head. As she passed the smudged mirror above the sink on her way out, she paused, and shot herself a wink. Just as she reached for the door handle, she doubled back and flushed the toilet.

Felicia rejoined the group, as Sternbluff was gesturing at the broken shards of stained glass from Aunt Dragon's unexpected and literal wedding crash. "Man, it's getting late!" she popped her head between her brothers. "We should probably be on our way, huh? Thank you so much for the lovely tour, Dr. Sternbluff! Maybe we'll be back another day to finish it."

"Fel, it's almost done, let's just–" Fergus began, before he felt Felicia's hand squeeze his shoulder harder.

Sternbluff looked at his pocket watch again, his eyebrows raising. "Goodness, you're right, dear, it's almost closing time. Well, I hope you three enjoyed your visit, and got something out of my little tour."

"Oh, we absolutely did." Felicia flashed him a cheery, toothy smile, pinching both brothers' shoulders again. Farkle glanced at Fergus, over Felicia's head, unsure what to make of her behavior.

Sternbluff bid them farewell at the museum's front door, and the trio trudged back down the aisle of buildings toward the town's front gate. The three were again the visual focus of the shopkeepers closing up for the day, and the handful of citizens still out and about. The ogres continued forward, preoccupied with their monumental fumble.

"Well that was a bust," Farkle mumbled, kicking a rock. "Now what?"

"No it wasn't!" Felicia hissed, keeping pace. "Grimm, for ogres you two aren't very observant. We are going back, and we are getting that map."

"Well since we're SO unobservant," Fergus jabbed irately, "please enlighten us as to what you're–"

Felicia stepped in front of them, stopping them in their tracks. She rose up on her tiptoes, and whispered in their faces. "We're gonna break in."


Author's Note 5/20/2023:

Can I share something unhinged with you all?

I set a very arbitrary deadline of today, Saturday 5/20/2023 to publish a new chapter. Why? Well, it's the last day of Taurus season, and as my diseased little mind has it that Shrek is a Taurus, therefore, obviously I had to publish a new chapter by or before the end of Taurus season.

I'm very well adjusted and fine.

(Sometimes I see him listed as a Capricorn, and while that would be cool cuz that's my sign, it's just not correct. PM me for my theories on all the characters' signs.)

Big thanks to hanny spoon for help and input in this titan of a project.

And maybe yes, maybe no, the next chapter may be coming sooner rather than later as this chapter may have been written to include more but had to be split for length. Maybe. Allegedly.

Please review if you feel so inclined! Thanks for reading. :)