Chapter 13: The Apology

The hobbit was happy. The wizard was happy. Even though their faces were yanked into varying degrees of disgust at the pile of parsnips and lettuce in their bowls, the dwarves looked happy.

I was decidedly not.

"Who taught you to do that?" Dori was whispering to me frantically, his usually rosy cheeks an alarming shade of scarlet. His eyes flicked swiftly from my face to the regal stature of Elrond as he sat speaking amiably with Gandalf.

If looks could kill, he would have already been flayed open like an afternoon trout waiting for the frying pan. I glowered, my arms crossed, legs tucked beneath me on the hard stone of the balcony that we had been corralled to. If he had taken that punch to his manhood with anything other than pained acceptance than this welcome feast would have been going another direction. My bottom lip pushed out a bit more as my face sank deeper into brewing anger.

Instead, he had given a short, sharp howl, his whole, lanky frame sinking to the ground with the elegance of a downed gazelle. Gandalf had been absolutely bewildered, his expression dazed while Fili looked like he was in between roaring with laughter and tossing me over his shoulder so that he could make a run for it. In the end, Gandalf had gotten to me first, his fingers latching onto the collar of my coat and dragging me to my brothers with stuttered apologies and vehement scolding.

I had never wanted to go back and punch someone a second time so much.

"Did you teach her this sort of behavior?" Dori demanded, turning to a decidedly unimpressed Nori, his dirty fingers picking at a sprig of fresh greens.

His tawny gaze flicked up, his lips twitching briefly as his eyes wandered to me - steaming, kneeling as Dori scolded me from above. Our eyes caught and held, that twitching spreading into a full smirk before he spoke, slowly. "I also taught her that classy ladies give authentic compliments." He shrugged, sighing dramatically. "So, you know... not all bad."

"Ha ha ha," I muttered blandly, rolling my eyes at the way Dori was shuddering, his body reminding me of a volcano about to burst.

Ori crept a bit closer to my other side, a torn medicinal bag in his hands. "Tori, I really need to look-"

"No," I snapped petulantly, my arm starting to throb sharply at the constriction that was occurring on my burned arm from being crossed.

"Stop being a child!" Dori hissed, his blue eyes going near-white as he thundered down at me.

I scrunched up my face, fishing for something that would make him stop being such a booger and only come up with: "You stop being such a child."

"This is all your fault," Dori snapped, his teeth baring over at Nori who merely shrugged.

"I'll bear the burden bravely," he sighed and for a moment, I thought I could see actual steam shoot from Dori's ear canals. Ori flinched back, wincing. At the table, I thought I saw some of the other dwarves hiding bemused smiles, their eyes twinkling over at me in odd intervals. I didn't even bother looking for the golden mane of hair that would signal Fili. I couldn't bring myself to take the amused glow of his blue gaze.

My eldest brother whirled back to me, twin blood vessels throbbing at his temples. "You will apologize to that elf and mean it-"

"I'll sooner birth slugs!" I shrieked, springing to my feet, bringing me nose to nose with my brother's fury. His eyes crackled, a finger jabbing into my shoulder. Thorin's gaze was heavy at my nape, his face unreadable. He had been watching me ever since I had been dragged in, an unidentifiable emotion darkening his usually crystal stare.

"I do not rightly care how much you hoot and holler," Dori seethed and I bared my teeth in return at his stern tone. "We are their guests-"

"I think I've made it rather clear, that I'd rather be the guest of goblins," I hissed right back, my shoulders tensing at every prick of his finger into my shoulder.

"N-now - we're - we're making a scene," Ori butted in anxiously and out of the corner of my eyes I could see that he had risen as well, that bag of medicine clutched nervously in his hands.

The blue in Dori's eyes bubbled, turning into a darker, sapphire that clashed vengefully with the usual cerulean of his irises. His beard trembled as he took a deep breath. "I know you have your past with elves but you cannot go about blaming every single one of them for the travesties of your parents."

His words lashed me, flaying me open with a brutality that made me flinch, my ears ringing dully. He was right. In the base ways of the world, he was right. Elrond had allowed me into his home after my offense. He let me eat and sit at his table with nothing more than a gentle smile. He could have asked for an apology. He could have thrown me into a cell and never let me see my companions again. He had done none of these things. Instead, he had looked at me with wary pity - a mix of emotions that infuriated me more.

My feelings were not base. My emotions were wild, untamable creatures. They led me to run away from the only home that I had ever had. They led me to break bones and maim those who would do me any tiny amount of offense. And those same feelings meant that I would never, ever find myself issuing an apology to someone who had not thought a whip about how my abandonment had been justified to the likes of the holy, limpid race of elves.

His face softened a fraction, his voice deepening with emotion. "He's within full right to throw you into the dungeons."

This vulnerability should have weakened me.

"The day I issue an apology to the likes of an elf, is the day I go and join a band of rabid orcs," I whispered, my words short, angry jabs. My eyes search my brothers, trying to force every bit of rage into him that I could find in myself. See? I wanted to say. Here is what your sister is. Here she lay in all her glory. Watch how she burns.

His face crumpled a bit as I glared up at him, the wrinkles decorating his eyes wilting. I had seen him staring at me like this more often than I would have liked to admit. It was the gaze of someone who was remembering all the horrible things that had happened to you - the expression of someone who was seeing you as the result of past experiences and not a whole being anymore. I refused to flinch away, my nails digging into the vulnerable skin of my palms.

"Dori." Both of us jerked apart, my head whipping around at the horrifyingly familiar voice. Thorin's eyes flicked from me to my brother quickly before a deep sigh stiffened his shoulders and he turned, his face tight. "Tori. Come with me."

My stomach dropped, dread taking root deep inside as my brothers all stiffened, their eyes widening.

"My king-" The glance from Thorin was enough to silence both Nori and Dori, both of them going ashen. Behind them, Ori was shaking, his brown eyes wide and scared.

This was the moment I got kicked off of this adventure. My mouth dried out, my palms going sweaty. He had been waiting for a moment since I had signed that stupid form. The afternoon sun cast our shadows into a long, grotesque vine, morphing into one across the polished stone. I had offended the elves. It wasn't that big of a leap to think that my immediate departure from the quest would appease whatever relation we had.

I wanted to hate him. I thought about that as I followed stiffly behind him, his long, ebony hair ruffling a bit in the breeze that wafted from the distant waterfalls. I wanted to despise him more than even the elves on some days. But… but it was like wanting to hate the sun because it burned too bright. It was like hating the wind for how it ripped through your clothes on unforgiving nights. Thorin was more than the body that he inhabited. To the dwarves of Durin, he was elemental. He was nature itself - a legend made flesh. When we had been starving, homeless, friendless, he hadn't left us. He hadn't let a single dwarf fall away. He had led us, blindly, his faith unshakable. No matter if he hated you or loved you, he led you all the same. Even when I was small - even when I knew the very sight of me made him burn with rage for my half-elf blood - he had made sure I was fed. He allowed Dwalin to train me in combat and Balin to teach me history and literature.

That was a kindness that I couldn't forget - one that I wouldn't.

"Lord Elrond." I nearly collided with his back, the beads in my hair clattering erratically together as I stopped short. We had barely walked more than 20 feet, Thorin's back rigidly straight as he stared at Elrond, who had a bemused tip to his brow. Beside him, Gandalf took in the scene -Thorin standing awkwardly in front of me as I gaped behind him. The other dwarves had gone suspiciously silent, their usual roar down to a murmur as the harps played lazily in the background. Another deep breath expanded Thorin's chest before he seemed to collect himself. "I realize that you have invited us into your home and that one of my own has caused you insult. I… would like to offer my apologies."

Breath wooshed into my lunges with a swiftness that made me hack, my whole body reeling back as if I had been slapped. He was - m gaze flew to Fili's, seeking some sort of clarity. Thorin was… was apologizing on my behalf. Arctic blue eyes searched my own, his gaze steady and altogether startled by what he was seeing. The usual amused tip to his lips had thinned out, leaving only a line of concentration, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"I believe I should be the one to apologize," came Elrond's smooth reply, his gaze sharp as he glanced past Thorin's broad shoulders to where I stood. " My comments were brash and altogether tasteless. I believe I may have deserved more than a punch - no matter how well-aimed it was."

There was a sharp crow of laughter from the end of the table, Gloin and Oin jeering loudly at the elf's expense. Still, he took it with little more than a smile, his face never giving way to hatred or even a hint of anger. My eyes narrowed on him, a tiny, nasty voice in the back of my head whispering venomously that no one could be this perfect.

Unfortunately, Lord Elrond was out to prove me wrong at every possible turn. His dark gaze caught and held my own, his tone achingly sincere. "I offer you my sincerest apologies, Lady Tori. Your discomfort was never my intention."

Words evaded me, my gaze trapped in his own hypnotic one. There was a well of calm in those eyes - such gentleness that my own body responded in kind, wanting to reciprocate the tender emotion.

"I...accept…" I forced the words out through numb lips, my own mind clouded, dazed as I tore my gaze away. An apology crammed into my throat, the edges of the unspoken words unforgiving. I wanted to say I was sorry but… My nails burrowed further into my palms, the stone beneath my feet blurring.

I didn't want to hate this much. I could barely breathe from it.

How pathetic was that?

The murmur of conversation was growing in volume once more, picking up on all sides as I stood there, fumbling with an apology. This was a different kind of loneliness, I realized. The loneliness of emotions. The loneliness of a past that no one could share.

A strong hand fell heavily onto my shoulder, rocking me to the side with its force. I blinked, snapping back to myself as I realized who that hand was attached to. For the second time in so many minutes, I was stunned into muteness, blinking owlishly up at the man who had led my family through battle and strife and who haunted my every waking moment.

His eyes scanned over me with an expression that was altogether unreadable and yet had the ability to flay me to my very core. The hand on my shoulder felt awkward, heavy. He still could send me packing, I realized. He had that ability.

When he spoke, his voice was quiet, sure in the way that only he possessed. "The anger will never go away." He considered me for a moment before dropping his hand. "But someday you'll be able to push it aside to give way for other emotions." The twist of his lips was too small for me to be fully sure, his body already moving away. "Like apologies."

I didn't move, my eyes fixed on the spot that he had been. He had - My mind tried to work around it, trying to find the right words to phrase it. I came up with nothing.

When I finally stirred, blinking around like a sailor that had been pulled from the water to find the sky had gone green, my eyes were caught by Kili. Straight white teeth flashed in a gleeful grin. Whenever one finds themselves on different footing than they were before, they're always wary. This was a similar emotion for me - warily happy, unsure of the trap that was coming my way. By the ecstatic thumbs up that Kili was jabbing at me, he was of a different mindset.


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