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Chapter 32: Illusions
How long had we been walking? My feet stumbled over another root, nearly sending me crashing into the brick path beneath me, covered in mud and vines so thick that I could barely make it out. My body ached - a soul deep ache that made everything feel so much heavier. The only thing keeping me on it was a whisper. A promise in my very heart of hearts that told me this was the way. That breathed sudden, blinding light into my very being. I knew this path because I could feel the trueness of it in my fingertips.
Thorin was the first to succumb to whatever polluted the forest around us.
And I was the last one to see.
"You're not leaving us," I whispered, voice breaking as I watched Gandalf turn from Bilbo, his brows drawn in clear anxiety.
Foreboding pulsed through our party, each dwarf shifting with discomfort. We had gathered at the very edge of the forest, just a step away from breaching the first cropping of trees as if all of us sensed how much the woods wanted to gobble us up. I could feel the gentle call of wrongness like the very spirits of the forest were trying to warn me away. And like an idiot I was going to ignore them.
"I will be back," he assured me, stooping a bit so that his weathered face could peer into mine. Fili's hand squeezed onto my shoulder, a comforting presence warming my back. "Before you notice my absence, I would wager."
"I'm noticing it now," I breathed, searching his face. My hand shot out as he shook his head slowly, going to step away from me. The material of his sleeves bunched in my fingers as I stopped him. He knew. He had to know. "Something is wrong here. Something is very wrong. You know this. You know…"
What did he know? What did I know? Around me, the other dwarves took notice of my heated exchange with the wizard, their eyes sharp and inquiring at my nape. They were all already on edge. If I told them my worries… What would I tell them? That I had a bad feeling? That the trees were telling me to turn back? That nothing good would come from going any farther?
The hopelessness of it suddenly crushed down on me, dragging involuntary tears to my eyes. "You cannot leave us. Please."
"Amrul," Fili whispered, drawing me back into the security of his chest. I wish I could tell him that even though I knew he would keep me safe - even though I knew that he loved me enough to risk his own well-being… I wasn't sure that that would be enough anymore.
Your luck has run out, the wind seemed to say as it blew my hair back from my face.
Gandalf's face softened at whatever he saw in mine, his hand reaching out to squeeze my arm. He gave me a sad smile, that expression on his face enough to send my heart sinking. "I will be back."
We both knew that he was lying.
My hand slipped from his sleeve and I watched him walk away.
"No!" I yanked Dori back from the edge of the path, staring at him in confusion as his foot slowly slid from the very edge of the trail and back to where it belonged. "What - what were you thinking?"
Unease tightened my stomach as his dazed eyes met mine, his shoulders going up. "I don't - I don't-" For a moment, we stared at each other in terrified silence before he let out a self-deprecating laugh, breaking my gaze. "I'm getting old, little sister. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Keep an eye on me, yes?"
I stared after him as he walked away, dread seeping into every crevice of my body.
Fili watched the whole thing, his eyes intent and focused. I could feel the thoughts swirling around in his head. For the first time, I could see the distrust starting to seep into his gaze. The distrust of others around us.
His hand squeezed my waist, his lips meeting my shoulder in a reassuring kiss that only made me more anxious. His eyes never left where the rest of the dwarves marched on ahead. "Keep going, amrul."
So I kept going. I kept going and kept going until my muscles ached and my breath was ragged.
"Stop!" I screamed, yanking against my bindings to Fili as Dwalin took a step off the trail, his big body coated with a fine layer of sweat. His eyes snapped back to mine before following where I was pointing. "The path."
No one moved for a moment. Exhaustion rolled from each of them on each ragged breath. None of us should have felt this tired after a full nights rest. There was a reason that we had been asked on this quest by Thorin and it wasn't for our lackluster physical abilities. Dwalin spat, rolling his eyes. "One step off the road won't lose me, lass. Even a child can color outside of the lines sometimes."
"We're not children," Fili snarled from behind me, his eyes murderous as he glared at the others. Bilbo shrank beneath the stare and a few shifted in obvious discomfort. "Do as she says. Keep to the path."
Dwalin's lips curled back from his teeth in a sneer. "As you wish, lover boy."
The flash of canines from Fili was enough to make me wince.
It didn't get better.
The deeper we went, the harder it became for them to see the path. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand any of it. And I started to think that it was because I wasn't seeing the same things that they were. Sometimes they would jump or mutter at the deep darkness of the forest around us. Ori had started writing down furiously into his journal, his quil snapping every once and a while, silencing him for a few moments before he was able to fumble out a new one from his satchel.
Fili had drawn me to the back of the group, dark rings starting to form beneath his eyes, those blue, blue skies turning to flinty silver as he stared at the others like he wanted to rip their heads off. The only one he seemed to trust was me. The only one he would speak to was Kili. They had taken to whispering to each other, blonde and brown heads bent as they came up with elaborate plans and schemes that turned my blood to icy slush.
"Fili," I whispered, begged, tugging on the rope until his wrist jerked. "Fili, you're scaring me."
His eyes snapped to me, both brothers falling silent. He dragged me closer by the rope until my chest pressed to his, his head dipping as he took my lips in a hard kiss. He tasted bitter - like coffee without cream or sugar, dark and deadly. "You'll be safe," he whispered against my lips, one of his hands tangling in my hair as he forced me to keep his stare. "Don't worry."
But I wasn't worried about my own safety anymore. I was worried about theirs.
"You're a fucking thief!" Fili dragged me behind his body, his other hand hovering above the dagger I knew he kept at his waist. In front of him, I saw Kili drag his bow from his shoulders, his fingers playing along the taut string in a way that sent ice through my veins. The only people they would allow around me anymore was Ori. They had started to snarl and snap like wild animals when anyone even looked back at where we lingered at the tail of the group.
"Yeah," my brother, Nori drawled, his face deceptively blank as he stared down his nose at Gloin. "What of it?"
"You know what you did, you gutless worm," the other dwarf sneered, spittle flying into my brother's eyes as the two of them got closer, like animals ready to rip each other's throats out. Suddenly his eyes caught on where Fili had pushed me behind his back and a feverish sort of light sparked. "I guess I can't expect anything better from a couple of fucking bastards who steal babies from a mother's arms."
Silence, terrible, crippling silence fell over the forest. The things that I had heard crawling around in the trees above us even stilled. Nori's face had lost of sense of humor, the smile that had begun to curl at his lips dropping. Dori drew in a sharp breath, paling. "What did you just say?"
Gloin's lips slashed open in a horrible smile. "You didn't think you'd come back to the mountain with a newborn babe after all your bitching and moaning about wanting a child and no one would talk, right? You're not that fucking stupid." He jabbed a finger at me, making a deep growl slip from Fili, his hold tightening on me, his other hand skimming the hilt of his blade. "It didn't work out with Mattius so you thought that you'd steal a babe-"
Nori's shoulders tensed, his whole face crumbling into such rage and disgust that I gasped. "Keep his fucking name out of your worthless mouth."
I didn't know the name, had never heard my brother even utter it in my long years with him. Nori had learned far before I was born to keep the sacred parts of himself hidden from others. People found out too much when they knew what you cared about.
A terrible, vile expression clouded Gloins face. I could almost feel the feverish spell of the forest pushing him, leading him around like a bridled pony. "He left you because he didn't want you, Nori. No one was surprised when you ran off on whatever pathetic escape you needed after even your brothers couldn't keep you content. But dragging the lass along with you?" He tsked, looking smug. "That's pitiful. She could have had a life. She could have been a princess by now. She'll leave you when she sees what a lackluster, cowardly brother you ar-"
The punch wasn't a surprise. My brother tackled Gloin to the ground, his face a mask of such anger that I could barely see my brother beneath it. Nori was always the one with the quickest temper. He was the one who held the most passion among my siblings. But this... this was violent. The look in my brothers face as he sank his teeth into Gloin's wrist was so delighted that I looked away. Cruelty for cruelties sake and nothing else.
Blood flew, fists cracking against each other in the silence of the forest.
"We need to get out of here," I whispered, staring at the brutality, the sudden regression of each of the group like bundles of yarn that were slowly coming undone. "We need to get out of here before this forest kills all of us."
Or forces you to kill each other, a voice whispered to me.
I don't remember how they tore them apart - only that neither of them looked like themselves anymore when they were done.
"It goes on and on," Bolbur moaned, turning his head to scream a raw, anguished wail into the air. "We're not going anywhere!"
"Where's the path?" Ori suddenly gasped, whimpering as he stared down at the stone beneath his feet like it was a pile of snakes. He skittered back, coming dangerously close to the edge-
"It's here!" I shouted, sweat dribbling down my jaw, my curls starting to frizz and weigh down, falling into my face. "I swear we're still on it! I swear it!"
Everyone quieted, taking me in with varying degrees of comprehension.
A mirror, I had decided. One of the forest's illusions was like a mirror. Gloin had started an argument with Nori but the things he had said… It was like he had taken all the worst thoughts that my brother had ever had about himself and given them a voice. Gloin's voice.
Would it turn on me? Would it suddenly clue into the only person who had kept the others on the path? For the sake of everyone else, I desperately hoped not.
"Still on the path," Ori whispered.
"Still on the path," Bolbur wheezed.
And we kept going.
"Not that way!" I gasped, yanking at the rope keeping me to Fili. My heart raced as he pulled at me like a bull trying to get a cart out of the mud. "Fili, please! Please listen to me!"
"Tori?" He blinked, suddenly stilling in his blind trek over the edge of a very steep dip. My feet slipped over a rock, making me stumble. He looked around like he had never been here before. Even though Mirkwood remained the same - gnarled trees everywhere. If it wasn't for the path, even I would have had a hard time keeping track of our route. "Tori?"
"Fili," I breathed, nearly sobbing as he shook his head, his beautiful golden locks whipping back and forth like a dog trying to shake out water from it's ears. Happy tears overcame me as he walked tentatively back to me, his head lowered, brows creased in confusion.
Everyone was growing more and more confused by the hour. They repeatedly asked me how long we had been walking. How far we had gone. Why we were even here. It was terrifying.
And each second I could sense the forest growing more and more attentive to my presence like a beast that was suddenly seeing a mouse that had slipped into its nest.
"You're okay," I whispered, stuffing my nose into his hair as he slid down to scoop me into his arms, his grip strong and sure around my waist. He drew in a long shaky breath, his nose squishing to my throat as he held me tighter. "You're just fine. We're all fine."
"This forest is toying with me," he breathed into my skin, lifting me until I had to clutch his shoulders for support, my feet dangling above the ground. "It's… I thought..."
He stopped, shuddering.
"I know," I whispered. "I know."
The party had stopped, their attention focused on where we huddled together.
They had stopped looking at me like I was reasonable now. I could see it in the narrowed eyes. I could see it in the way that Dwalin had begun to whisper to Thorin at the front. The way that Thorin seemed to always be watching me, his eyes too wide, his face too devoid of anything rational.
Your luck has run out, little hafling, the forest whispered to me. Run before I gobble you up.
I had stopped speaking. Stopped trying to make light conversation. There were things far more powerful at work here than I and I dreaded to think of what they had in store for me.
We stopped hours later. Maybe days, I couldn't tell. Each of us was coated in sweat, our hair sticking to our necks and faces in clumps. There was no fire. No lively singing or chatter. Once the sway of the trees around us and the hard road beneath. I stuffed a stale piece of bread into my mouth as Fili secured the rope around my wrist, his face drawn. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to cuddle into him.
Instead I settled onto the cold ground without my bed roll and lay under the twist of the trees above me like a body ready to be buried.
I thrashed, screams bursting from me and captured by strong calloused fingers. Fili - where was Fili? My boot connected with someones face, catching them with enough force that they grunted.
Any satisfaction I had died a swift death when a fist slammed into my face, making the darkness of the trees spin around me. The path - I blinked, trying to gather my bearings. Fuck, where was the path?
"I know what you are, you filthy fucking elf," someone hissed into my ear. Whose voice was that? Gods, whose voice was that? I screamed as someone yanked at the chunk of hair covering my left ear, tearing out a few strands. "You think I didn't know what you were?"
What was he talking about? I gagged, resisting the urge to throw up as someone's fist went crashing into my gut. My food threatened to come up as the dwarf holding me dragged me a bit farther. Fuck. Farther from the path.
"You thought to get into my family by cozying up to my nephew?" Thorin. I shut my eyes whimpering. Thorin wasn't the one who was holding me but I had a sinking suspicion that I knew who was. "You thought I wouldn't be stupid enough to know the look of one of Thranduil's kin?"
Dwalin threw me to the ground with enough force that I saw stars, my breath sawing from my lips as I tried to force myself to move. This was the forest - If I just spoke to them, they would understand -
"My king, I swear-" I yelped, white hot agony shooting through my body as someone sent their foot down into my knee. Fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck- Tears flowed into the dirt, my breath coming out of me in involuntary whimpers. I was - was I going to die? Was I going to die here?They had somehow cut the rope connecting Fili and I, dragging me away without him waking. How? How? he had been so close to me and I had fought...The forest moaned around me.
"Don't speak to him," Dwalin snarled down at me and I could feel both of them lurking above me, panting like wild animals ready to tear me apart. I let out a pitiful whine, trying and failing to speak to them past my own suffering.
"You'll go back to that spineless cur of a king and tell him that the next time I see one of his kind near my family, I'll send them back to him in tiny pieces." So cruel. His voice was so cruel and so cold. Not the king I knew. The king I knew could be callous but never like this. Not towards me. Not towards someone that had been under his wing for so many years. Remember me, I wanted to beg. Remember who I am. But nothing came out other than a sob, my fingers clutching at my throbbing knee and stomach.
"Tell him that I remember. That I'll always remember."
Sharp pain burst through my skull, and wet, meaty sound filling my ears before… before nothing. Before absolute and complete darkness.
