Chapter 37
Mistrust and worry.
The moon was still up as I woke. Tauriel slept by my bare bosom as always when we were at home. A faint smile on her lips. Did she dream? Or was it the fact she could hear my heartbeat that made her so happy? I knew not. I could only thank the Valar for Mithrandir and his aid in cleansing us from the evil souls that had possessed us or what they now were. I knew not.
She moved some and her face adjusted. I could not but smile now it aligned with my bosom perfectly and it was like she planned it.
"you cheeky elleth," I said lowly and her smile widened. She heard it, but perhaps she still slept? How could I know? her eyes were open as all elves slept.
Her beautiful long red hair I played with and sighed for what the next weeks or longer would consist of. Long past were the days of peace and walks in the valley, of long days doing nothing but spending time with my wife and enjoying our ever-lasting lives. My younger siblings grew up to be fine elves in their own right. Elladan and Elrohir took after me in many ways being great warriors in their own right. But I could not help but want to protect them from war. I knew a time would come when they would need to go with us. But with the changes I had made, I did not dare to take the risk of them coming with me yet.
Arwen ohh Arwen. My dearest sister. The Evenstar of our people. How much am I not too fond of the knowledge of her future and her separation from us forever if time was allowed to go as it was meant to. I knew I could not change it, nor should I. For from her and Estel not yet born would come kings and queens for many a realm of man until the ending of the world… still, it hurt me so gravely…
"You are weary my love" I heard from nowhere as Tauriels eyes looked up at me and she rubbed her face on my bosom. "I can feel it" she added locking her green eyes on my grey.
I smiled kissed her forehead and held her.
"I am Tauriel my love. For I worry about what will happen in the time to come" I said trying to smile but failing in the end with the cold morning air in our room.
"There is nothing to fear." She said as I felt a loving kiss on my chest. "For we stand together against the darkness… and we will make them pay for what they did to us!" A fire lit in her green eyes I think I had never seen before. "For with you at my side, I can stand any horror they will throw at us. Even though I am not Noldor nor of your line or power I will follow you to whatever end my love!"
While she spoke I pulled her up and kissed her on the lips. Her trust and faith in me made me feel so warm inside I could not describe it.
"You are the strongest elf I know Tauriel!" I said the moment the kiss let go and her fiery green eyes looked at me with passion.
"Says the Noldorin princess from Gondolin" her fingers playing with my black hair. Her Green eyes looked into my grey eyes still and her breath was steady. "I know you do not fight me as hard as you may my love, when we spar. You hide it well, but not well enough." She smiled some. "when we return from the north I want us to train harder and you not holding back."
Her surety of it made me sigh for I had held back with her and now in a way, I regretted it. For only Glorfindel had been a sparring partner I had gone full out with.
"I may have… but only for the wish of not hurting you my love" I responded.
She shook her head and sighed.
"And the enemy will show me the same restraint? Or wish to not hurt me? No, my love, we must train harder and not hold back from each other. For as long as you said the fight will be and we must prepare. I know so as I am no longer a ranger and these battles will be hard."
I nodded looking at her.
"You are right. It was foolish of me, but as your lover I would never want to hurt you" I said as her hand rubbed on me and mine on her.
"Nay, but we must if we are to hurt them back and punish them for what spell they cast on us!" She said as she sat up in bed. Not covered for me by any means as the door came open and there stood our handmaiden looking at us as her face turned red for a moment.
"My ladies… please excuse me I knew not you were at lovemaking…!" she said and quickly turned away as the door shut behind her. We could all hear elves in the hall and she would not risk them seeing us like this as well. It seemed the house was waking up or the servants if nothing else.
We quickly covered up and looked at her.
"It is fine Estelwen. We are covered now." Tauriel said. "You are so quiet we could not hear you at all!" I added as she turned back head bowed.
"Yes, my ladies… I learned it over the many months you two were under the darkness…" she said not daring to look up and quickly stopped herself from saying more. It was without doubt that she was hiding something from us.
We looked at each other and back at her as she said it and we got out of bed and we walked to her slowly.
"Are you scared of us Estelwen?" I asked. Hurt could be heard in my voice.
She did not look up at either of us but told the story of how Tauriel had been behaving and me as well. No matter the fact it was not by our choices or will nor that we remembered it had hurt her and many others deeply and even though we were now cured or released from the evil spirit the long months of our change had left deep marks.
While she spoke and told us of what had gone on to our horror we spoke with each other with Oswane and agreed that maybe it would be better if she did not have to serve us or in any way be forced to be around us even though it had not been us that said and did the things she spoke off.
Before we could bring it up she had us in the bathroom and helped us with a quick wash and clothed before setting out again. Ever the good housemaid she had packed spare clothes, sent for food, and helped us into our armor. Tauriels had been masterly repaired and in my eyes, it looked better than before. We heard the horses getting brought out from the stables and elves running around outside our window. We ate slowly as we got both dressed.
But the moment Estelwen handed us our knives, swords, and bows her being changed towards us, she followed every move we made and did not let her eyes off us—mostly our hands. We could feel a fear in her and I could not live with it nor could Tauriel as she looked at me sad at how our dear handmaiden acted. After all, so many treated us differently and coldly. That was something that was stuck in us even though we remembered nothing of the past months we remembered that feeling. Just talking to the other elves asking for Nana made us see it more and maybe it was for the better we were to leave Imladris yet again.
"Estelwen…" I said before cutting myself off. Looking at my wife standing there armed, armored, and ready to leave I could not say it so she took over.
"We know what happened before Mithrandir came and helped us as what you have told us and how you and the others act towards us we know that none of it was good and possibly worse than what you have said…" she said before she stopped herself and I took it up again.
"There is so much time we do not remember what happened and from what you told us we understand how you and the others feel about us…" I stopped for a moment as she looked up at us both for the first time. Her mouth slowly opened and I lifted my hand in a none threatening way as my wife said the dreaded words.
"You are released from our service. Dear friend. All we want to ask is if one day you may forgive us for our weakness…" As she spoke our handmaiden looked up fully at us a tear from her eye. Tauriel then continued. "We are sorry for all the pain we have caused you and the others. Farwell Estelwen" she ended and looked at her as well her hands reaching for our emblems on her dress and neckless. "Yes farewell, my teacher and friend. I hope you will forgive me with time." I said and before she could respond we left the room and yet again the safety of Imladris would be behind us.
If we thought, they were scared of us earlier we knew it now. The moment we left our room we met several servants hurrying out of our way and looked at the floor. No words did they say as we passed them and we heard our door shut behind us Estelwen crying, but we turned not the fires lit at the lanterns in the halls made us see their pain. If anything it made our choice seem better than it already did. For none should live in such dismay or fear of others. If anything it took me back to the year, I arrived in Imladris and the fear I felt for everyone here after how my foster family treated me.
It was a sadness in the air and we even forgot to eat the food that was sent for us. Lindir stood by the door as we came to it and bowed his head.
"Return safe my ladies!" he said and looked at us with a simple smile. "Bring them home."
We returned the bows and I responded short. "We will" and my wife said naught.
"Lindir?" I asked looking at the steward of the valley.
"Yes my lady?" he asked.
"I wish to ask for your forgiveness. For what I did back in my Ada's study. I would never hurt you and I wish none of it had happened…" his hand rose as I spoke.
"My lady there is nothing to ask for forgiveness for. I am unharmed and Mithrandir has explained to me you had no control while the dark spirit was in you. Lady Tauriel only had minimal control as it left her for it was true evil that was bestowed on you both" I looked down and even if his words were comforting as they were they helped my sorrow for all little.
"What of them?" Tauriel then asked and looked over her shoulder. "Will they ever forgive us for our weakness?"
Lindir looked at them and back at Tauriel.
"They will. I will ask if Mithrandir will talk to them. As far as I know, he is still here after long days of travel and needs rest." He said with a smile.
"Thank you good Lindir, farewell," I said and walked out the door and to the stairs as I heard Tauriel bid her goodbyes as well. The cold morning air hit my face fully, yet I did not feel cold at all with all the elven clothing and armor I now wore. I stood there for a moment until my wife took my hand again and we started walking.
In the courtyard our company was mustered and so was the Imladris cavalry company. Many elves were mustered there to say farewell to their loved ones riding to war, but the moment they saw us arrive we heard many begs for their loved ones to not go with us. Many lovers cried as well as their young at the idea of never seeing them again in Middle Earth. The morning was rising, yet the heaviness of night was over us.
We did not expect anything else after all, but it hurt us still.
"Elwen… Tauriel!" We heard Nana say as she stood by our horses. "be safe. Take no risk and come home with our loved ones!" she said so all could hear.
"Them safe?" one of the elves standing by her mounted mate said. "My lady I beg your forgiveness, but you send them to their death if they will lead them. How can you accept this?!"
She then turned toward the elf accusing us and with a calm voice she explained.
"My daughter and her wife were not well and taken by darkness, which has now been healed by Mithrandir and I as well as my other children can see that they are now themselves again. If that was not the case, I would not have allowed it. Elwen and Tauriel are two of our greatest warriors and commanders. To let them stay behind would be folly." In that moment she felt like Galadriel in her behavior. But it was not enough.
"You speak so highly of them and this Mithrandir. He has always treated us well when staying here, but can we trust him? Why can we trust in his skill to heal what was done to them? Word is also that your daughter attacked Lindir in the office is this true?"
"Húhel is it not?" Mother asked looking at the elf questioning her.
"It is my lady and this is Rahion my mate you are sending to his death!" her words cut deep "And my Ada is fighting with Lord Elrond and Lord Glorfindel in the north!" she added.
Nana nodded looking at Rahion and bowed her head to him. "First I will say my thanks for your courage and will to fight." The elf warrior returned the bow but said nothing. "For the rest, I can only say my nana, the lady Galadriel of Lothlorien has seen Mithrandir and his skill is beyond doubt. He as so many that once came from the blessed realm is here to aid us, not divide and hurt our cause. As for my daughter Elwen and her wife. Who stood guard at our borders for years? Who fought assault after assault that was meant to come into this very refuge and kill every elf here? Who has helped care for the young? Helped Ionien when the food hall was in disarray? Have they not earned any trust from you in all the centuries they have lived alongside you?" She asked and looked around at the elves standing by our company and Imladris cavalry company set to go with us.
A commotion happened after her speech and Idril looked at us and around us.
"What of them hurting our young? Some said and others spoke of mistreatment of the washers, of the cooks, of the seamstresses. How can we trust those who hurt their own to take our loved ones to war?"
That was when my brothers came forth and spoke their minds. "How can you treat them as you do? It was beyond their control! For centuries you have known them as my nana says and know this was not who they were or are! Long have we heard talk behind our backs from many here now assembled. I feel ashamed for you all!" Elladan said. "My brother spoke my mind. For I hope none of you will go through what they have now been through and done for you in your defense." Elrohir added.
We thanked them, hugged them and that was the moment I could stay silent no longer.
"I wish I could turn time back Húhel, Estelwen if you are here and everyone else here who speaks up, for what has happened after the battle over the mountain is still kept from me other than what we have been told, but when we return or if we return I and my wife will both take responsibility for it and whatever punishment you all deem fit for us we will accept. For how we were corrupted and had to be freed from his grasp is disturbing to us as well. But I will say this. None of those ordered to mount up and go with us will be forced to do so. I will not command it. Nor should any elf here be commanded to go. For this is the truth from what I have been told by Mithrandir and of one of his order Radagast the brown. Who lives far from here, but have friendship with all animals and beasts not in league with the enemy.
A force from Gundabad has set out from the east to flank our force along with another force from the west. If we do not warn or aid them in this fight none may return or very few… All I wish is to aid them if I can…" I said before I felt heavy about the task and Tauriel took up speaking.
"We both know your trust in us is gone and we have much to do to regain it and we will with time. We both know the ask we are asking is high from someone you do not trust any longer. But we beg you to come, but only if you do so by your own free will. If we had time we would take our punishment and regain your trust now we would do it, but we do not. If we don't leave this morning, they may already be lost to us" She said.
Several elves started to whisper and talk between themselves. Until one voice spoke up.
"I am with you, my ladies. Until death!" she said and bowed to us. Idril it was and her hand over her heart. We bowed to her and said our thanks as another spoke up.
"I will go as well. If no other dare to do so!" the voice said angrily.
Several elves moved aside and there she stood. "Pegien!" Tauriel cried out. "You are well; I have not seen you for so long!" The elf smiled and bowed.
"Nay my lady, you have not. But I am alive and well thanks to thee and your wife. You could have left me behind to death, but you risked your life for mine and I will do the same now. Even if no other dear to do so!" she said with a voice filled with shame as she looked around. Then our company without hesitation said they would come with us, but the other company felt undecided until they agreed if not as strongly.
Many were not happy about it, but they said nothing more against it. Nana stood there looking at us and gave us her hugs. Elladan and Elrohir as well.
"Return to us!" they said with force behind their words. "Bring Ada and old Glorfindel home!" They added.
"We will, we will!" we said with tears in our eyes.
We bowed to Nana and she returned it as the lady of the valley and we mounted our horses. The banner carriers blew their horns and we set out slowly. From the gate and over the bridge we were all silent. Up the hills and out of the other gates set up during the siege. The guards bowed to us and let us through. The lands to the north were now before us and we set out as fast as our horses could carry us. The land had still not recovered from the Angmar assault now a year past since it got lifted. But then how could it be? The darkness of the black captain was no easy thing to heal. That we all knew. We rode hard and as fast as we could. We passed the old Dunedain town after many hours of it. Yet we did not stop as it were but a husk. Not rebuilt after we burned it down.
What little talk that happened we did not listen to as Tauriel and I spoke with Oswane about what to do when we returned, if we returned, and how to best meet the enemy from the east. We knew not the state of the defenses or if Ada and Glorfindel had already been encircled.
The second evening we stopped just south of Mount Gram. A choice many were dismayed with, but few spoke up against it. While we went to get food from the horses and water skins Taleth stood in front of me and just moved aside. Not looking at me. Pennion if nothing else gave me a bow, but said naught, and the rest well not much else. They all were so cold, even if they agreed without hesitation to come with us.
"Do not worry, my ladies," Idril said. "Even if there is a worry and they feel hurt, they will follow you to whatever end!"
"We know" Tauriel responded. "But the way they act around us and whatever it was that controlled us did so much damage to those we love… it hurts!" she said.
"It must, for then it shows that they matter," Idril responded and got some food from her bags and Pegien came over and set a fire for us. No other came to sit with us and we felt like outcasts yet again. But less so with Idril and Pegien by our sides. We could only hope that one day Pennion, Gaerdir, Taleth, Norieth, and the rest would trust and sit with us again.
That night few slept much as a shadow felt like it was all around us. Nothing happened. Yet we knew that by some means we were not alone, but none could be seen. The mischief of Angmar at work yet again.
"Something is out there," Pegien said as she played with her knives. "There is," Idril confirmed and we kept our eyes out from camp, but nothing happened. That night was unusually dark and the sun was all greyed out the next morning. We all ate a hearty breakfast and mounted up again. What little we tried to speak with our warriors were responded to, but the ones not serving in our company tried to stay away from us.
Two more nights we made camp with guards set up after long days riding and the same happened each time. A darkness surrounded us, yet none attacked or could be seen. Only felt. It did not want us there. That was all we got from it. When one elf spoke up.
"Captain," an elf said and moved over to Idril. Speaking lowly to her for us not to hear.
"What would you have them do? Can you see any enemy?" Idril responded irritated.
We both knew it was about us and I had had it with it and I stood up.
"Elves of Imladris. Some of you came with us over the High pass and over to the human settlement and fought the force of Dol Guldur… what will you have us do? What can we do to regain your trust? Is there anything we can do?" I felt frustrated and it came out that way too.
Quietness fell over the camp as many who did not come with us over the pass now stood up and looked at me and Tauriel and those that had gone.
"You both led us at the siege of Imladris and you led us well, that is why we follow you, my ladies. But there is worry in the ranks and the darkness around us does not make it easier, nor the thought of battle to come, but I only speak of us in your company. The valley guard has less…." Cutting himself off.
It was none other than Gaerdir who spoke up.
Emanthion, the Captain of the valley guard responded.
"We who serve in the valley guard know little of the matters that happened across the mountain, but only good I know of you my ladies, in many meetings and councils of war, and my elves will follow your banner for Lord Elrond is wise and he would not be given you a command if you were not fit for it.
"I thank you Gaerdir and Emanthion. You have known me long as have many of you, you know it was not me or my wife who hurt those, the coldness that emanated from us or us willingly attacking Mithrandir or Lindir!" I spoke out. "I hope one day we all can feel the trust as we once did for one another and not do what we do due to oaths sworn."
Many bowed after I spoke, but all were from our company and very few from the valley guard.
The darkness around us got heavier as I spoke loudly to them as if they were following us, taunting us.
"Let them be Elwen. Trust cannot be forced to return." Tauriel said and put her hand on my shoulder.
"You are right my love," I said and bowed my head.
I felt like the doubters had calmed down by the reassuring voice of our company, but then some elves spoke low with others and it was everything from what we had done in the months we do not remember to the years before and some got heated.
"What if they lead us into a trap? What then?" and another "The lady Celebrian said them healed and Mithrandir came to do it. I trust in both of them." And a third. "Illness is not what elves fall into…" and yet another responded to that one. "Nay, but poison and curses still affect us, there have been many cases of such!"
That was the point for me and I raised my hand and Idril called out "Silence! The ladies have stood with us and will yet again do so. How can we not show them respect for such a choice? They will not stay back and send us all to death, but join us if so maybe!" The doubters quieted down and looked at her and us. That was when I spoke my final word for that night.
"If You feel your trust in us is misplaced. Any that will return to Imladris may do so, your honor will not be affected by it. Nor will I have any ill will towards you. Only my blessing for you and those dear to you." I said turning towards the fire Pegien had made and sat down by it, all the voices died down.
Silence followed. None spoke, none moved. Despair I felt at that moment. A shadow lay over us that night.
