Dreamed about it she did, to get half the attention Olga got. Hell, at the time she was happy with crumbs, the leftovers of whatever attention Olga felt was too much.
It never was.
Once, hard for her to recall if it was third or fourth grade, she'd taken a dress meant for Olga. Some pink Caprini gown,and put it on cosplaying a different version of herself. One in which she took on Olga's situation, and added some of her essence, the seductive and cunning nature she hid; the grace she hoped would come with age, allowing her to accept the affections of the suitors she was sure she would get. Her imagination had allowed her to act out a scenario in which she would entertain Price's flattery even though she was dating the medical student and the law student. Both good prospects no doubt.
In her opinion, Olga had everything and was simply wasting it. The love of her parents, success, an inalienable Midas touch, and more suitors than she could ever want. Because of all of this, she became acquainted with envy; before, she not only knew but also recognized that she possessed many qualities. Even if they were not acknowledged by others, she knew she still had them and that was enough.
The seed of envy was planted when she began to wonder what it was that Olga had and she didn't. What was it that made her so special? That made everyone love her without any hesitation or restraint. Fed by the constant comparison of them both, an attempt to answer those rising doubts. Those comparisons were what gave a perfect footing to the rest; jealousy turned self-deprecation. Beginning to see things that she had previously ignored, or had considered insignificant. Starting with beauty, or that kindness that he couldn't replicate, at least not naturally or for long. From there the first doubts about herself began to sprout. Seeing for the first time flaws in herself that once she saw them could no longer ignore. Searedinto her brain. Insecurities that grew every time she saw someone who resembled her sister, it reminded her of those ever-present shortcomings.
Without fail, she compared herself.
It didn't help that her father was the one making the comparison so… blatant. She tried not to compare herself to other people when she realized it. But it was difficult at least in the beginning. And even more around people like Lila, whom she saw as a version of Olga but better. Or when she had a hard time seeing that she was doing it in the first place because it was an unconscious reaction to seeing people who had what she could only dream of. She eventually managed not to do it or stop it if she had been unaware. She now hated comparisons, seeing who was better, the whole concept was simplyabhorrent.
Her disgust was so great that her stomach always churned whenever it occurred. She was reminded of the insecurities that were instilled in her. Along with the potential damage caused by those actions.
And there she was, comparing two people who held a special place in her heart.
Her actions were deplorable.
And yet did it ever since Arnold arrived.
She didn't realize it until that night, the Saturday before the last week of school. It was then she put them both on the scale so blatantly that she had no choice but to see it in broad daylight, literally.
It started after she couldn't fall asleep, tossing and turning uncomfortably in her own bed until her eyes instinctively came across something.
The Raggedy Ann doll, in it she searched for the comfort she desperately needed. So fixated on it that from one moment to the next it seemed that her doll was observing her. Those dark eyes had her illogically uneasy, but it was her subconscious reminding her of events from years ago. She eventually diverted her gaze to the doll's small hat. It covered a bow, much like she did nowadays, that's where the similarities end; her beanie was meant to cover the bow on her head. Forget about it, if only momentarily. The doll's hat however was a memento, it was not Ann's, it was originally Raggedy Andy's, the other doll of the set. Helga was very attached to both, she was no more than three or four years old when she tragically lost Andy. All because of her carelessness, at least that's how she felt.
During one of Bob and Miriam's recurring fights, Andy ended up as collateral damage.
It was at a time when Miriam used to fight back. Between all the yelling and screaming there were also plates and glassesthrown during that dinner and Andy got dirty. He had food remains as well as small fragments of glass and ceramic. Knowing well that in that state neither of her parents would pay enough attention to help clean it and that Olga was not home, she decided to solve it alone.
Dragging a chair into the laundry room she used it to climb up to reach the controls, and she clumsily started the wash cycle after adding an obscene amount of detergent and turning the knob all the way on the washer. When the appliance finished the cycle she saw that the doll was not there, well not all of it, during the wash it got stuck underneath the washing machine agitator, destroying it. The only thing that remained almost intact was the hat that after many efforts she managed to pull up since she did not reach the inside bottom of the washer. Later when she saw her mother taking Andy out of the washing machine she heard her "Oh no this should have been washed on a more delicate cycle… or by hand. I hope Helga doesn't notice, Hmm. Well she has two it'll be fine".
Delicate, of course, if only she knew how to read she would have understood the words around the knob.
If only she had waited for someone to help her.
If only she had been brave enough to wash it in the bathroom sink by hand, but she already pricked her hand and didn'tdare to rinse it alone.
She blamed herself for not being more careful with something she considered an extension of herself. She set out to value delicacy and care above all.
Reminded of that resolution with burning eyes, she thought about the dilemma that occupied a ridiculous part of her mind. Stinky, he was loving and thoughtful with her, delicate. While Arnold was the embodiment of all her dreams and desires, just having him near consumed her being, his mere touch gave her unmatched euphoria.
Which posed a problem, one she did not consider having due to lack of point of comparison. Now she had it, Arnold was an addiction to her, and being away from him made her upset. Her irritation was not only manifested when being away from her but also when 'sharing'; Arnold was a popular person, in the sense that he knew and helped everyone. Every time anyone saw him, they entertained him for at least five minutes where they explained a situation and sought advice. As always, Arnold was happy to help and provide wisdom or comforting words. Seeing him in that state fascinated Helga, being able to be in the presence of such a benevolent person and she felt that she was falling more and more in love with him. The problem? Some accompanying feelings under certain circumstances. The girls lost any type of reserve in the boy's presence. Although they never felt any attraction towards him because he was 'too nice', it didn't stop them from being too close. To the point of invading his personal space. Whether it's because of the boy's almost magnetic nature or his way of making people feel safe, Arnold was treated closer than how one would treat a BEST friend. While other boys were kept a certain distance, emphasizing their relationship as a peer or acquaintance. Seeing this Helga always felt something. Not to mention how Arnold never seemed to be bothered in such circumstances or perhaps didn't notice the closeness of these girls. She never saw him withdraw or regain his distance from them, or move those touchy hands away from his hair, nor end those little-to-long hugs.
She never gave a name to that something, no, it wasn't jealousy, it just made her uncomfortable when she was present. She never let him know about it, much less complained; the conflict between loving his benevolence and her discomfort at seeing them never allowed her.
Even if she wanted to, she would've had a hard time pinpointing the issue or bringing it up. But now having similar situations happen with Stinky, it was different. Not that she didn't care about the young Peterson because she did, therewas something else at play. It was mind-blowing the first time she noticed, but sometimes girls would also get overly friendly with Stinky. Yet he somehow managed to handle things differently. He not only had a talent for respecting others'boundaries but also his own. That time when a project partner stepped slightly into his personal bubble he took a step back. Such a simple move. Yet Helga caught it; for some reason, she was getting some déjà vu before he took that slight step back. She had internally cringed and looked to the side to try and brace for the incoming feeling of that familiar something. But after seeing him move, she was left dumbfounded, that something never came. Thinking it might have been a coincidence she kept watching out for instances like those. Quickly learning that it was no fluke, whether it was out of respect for the girl or respect for his own boundaries and personal space, he always kept a distance. There were never any wandering hands, mostly due to the lack of opportunity. He was sneaky about it too, leaning into them and adding great distance when straightening shortly after. It was crafty, no one would notice unless specifically looking for it. Never any hugs either, at most there was a sympathizing hand on the shoulder. What's more, whenever she was present he sought her out, reaching for her hand, or placing a hand across her back, even going as far as putting her in between once or twice. Not once did she feel ignored or as she did at home when Olga was home.
And yet…
Whenever she looked into those tantalizing green eyes she could care less about the rest of the world. Any pain or heartache would evaporate with one look. If the world burned she could go down with it as long as her football-headed lover was holding her.
There was no denying it. It was a matter of head versus heart.
Every logical part of her being screamed at her to stay with the taller country boy. She wanted to. Tried once. ToldShortman to shove it. Without much firmness or success but tried nonetheless. He needed to stop insisting so she could go on with her life without this drug that was his love.
Now with the young Peterson, it wasn't an addictive relationship. The result: A more content self, easiness, relaxed. When she was apart from Stinko there was no hoping to see him again every second of their time apart. No crankiness when he had to leave. No lashing out when they were apart or an urge to stalk him if she didn't know where he was. With Shortmanhowever… it was all true plus more. She was clingy with Arnold and he allowed it. He acknowledged it even. Thinking back on their moment from Thursday he knew that they were both a little too attached to the other. The craving for each other couldn't be good; now, not having it she could see the changes it made to her life.
Helga no longer needed to be with Arnold to be tolerable to and for the people around her. She didn't notice that she was being slowly well-liked now. Or rather more than well-liked, people took an interest in her, she only realized it the last few days that Arnold was back. It was the concerned looks and questions about her well-being. Those newer acquaintances had been asking if something was wrong with her; offering help even. Before, if she didn't vent about a problem to whoever was near, there were only two people who she could safely count on. One was Arnold who pesteredher about it and Phoebe would look at her with the unsaid question 'Helga, everything okay?'.
She was used to being left alone when struck by some mishap or when down, she was thankful for that too. Made her feel alone but it allowed for the situation to evolve and let the cards fall where they may and afforded her time to deal with asked and she more than wanted to complain to anyone who would listen, but knew that she would sound like a complete basketcase so she refrained.
In the unofficial race between the boys, Stinky had won. She only needed to call it.
Say with her whole chest that Arnold needed to pack it up and leave her be. Stinky was better for her.
The sun's rays began to flood the room with light.
Stinky was better for her.
Emptiness in her stomach.
Compressed chest.
The room was now completely lit.
The air had been knocked out of her.
'Better'. She thought.
The realization hit her, 'better' implied comparison. She listed all their pros and cons. There was no way she could now ingood faith actually tell either of them off. She knew who she preferred.
She had compared them this whole time.
Only now she was acutely aware of it. She recognized the damage she was capable of causing by creating a list of reasons why she should be with someone and not with the other and vice versa. She was determined not to continue.
With this new resolve, she was able to find sleep. It was now Sunday probably around 5 AM judging from the sunlight now peering into the room. With luck, she might be able to get around two or three hours of sleep.
A/N
Esmeralda- almost forgot to post a response. And well we did see Helga try to make a decision but Arnold is yet to know about it so we'll see what happens;). As always thanks for the review❤️
well, in other news; this was actually a longer chapter but had to split it in two because i have been changing it too much when writing the next part. Making this story now a 9 part with this being the 7: (7/9). plus i was a little distracted after posting the last chapter it was my b-day weekend and was kidnaped by my friends, it was nice, plus i still have a couple of years to have a shot with Leonardo DiCaprio before he ignores me for being old lol.
the middle part is a flashback FYI. hope i have good enough writing skills to make it known without saying it now but i don't know what I'm doing anymore *cries* so if you have questions ask away!
anyways the next part is halfway done shouldn't take too long plus theres Shortaki week coming up and well.. youll see ;)
if im being honest the first part was inspired by the reader who shared when their hate for olga happened and after watching it well that happened, and the second half was inspired by the Doja Cat music video for "You Right" and its lyrics so.. theres that
love and hugs
-kat
