Chapter 14
Harsh Truths and Bigots
Note from the Authors: We've made a change to Chapter 10, and reloaded it, so please do look at it. We decided it needed editing and it feels better now, and we'd love your views. Please, keep your reviews and comments coming, we love hearing your views. Thank you for being our fans. Also, we've made changes to Chapter 10, so please do go back and look at it.
CW: Panic attacks, Transphobia
Oh Merlin, where was Ron and Hermione when you needed them?!
Everyone was staring at her. They were whispering, and muttering, and pointing as Lily tried to pass by, she was certain of it. That group of Slytherin girls were looking at her so cruelly and… were their hands going to their robes to fire a spell at her?!
Lily tried to keep her head down and her breathing steady as she passed them, hyper aware of the lack of her friends and any sudden movements that the older students might make. Her ears were roaring but she could hear the girls giggle amongst themselves as she went by them.
Why was the corridor getting longer?
Why couldn't she breathe?
Her chest hurt. Her vision began to blur around the edges.
And all around her, the students were watching, talking about her, mocking her…
'Freak'.
Lily couldn't move. There were too many students, and the comments were getting louder and louder and….
Lost, unable to find a way out, Lily gripped at her chest. She spun around trying to find an opening, a space in the sea of students towering above her so she could escape. She needed to get away from the insults, the hateful glares, she needed air…
Hands grabbed her and Lily shrieked.
"Lily, it's okay. You're okay. I'm here," Hermione soothed, pushing away strands of hair stuck to Lily's forehead. "Deep breaths. You're okay."
Both she and Lily jumped as a loud bang echoed along the corridor.
"COME ON, MOVE ON, GET OUT OF HERE!" The Weasley twins shouted, their voices amplified by the Soronous charm. It worked, however, as the crowds quickly began to disperse.
Lily pressed herself as close to Hermione as possible, clenching her hand.
"It's okay Lily," Hermione repeated, gently squeezing back. As the twins came up to the duo, one of them disengaging the charm with a wand to the throat, they gave Lily a concerned look over. "Thank you," the Gryffindor said. "Perfect timing."
"Anytime," the twins spoke at the same time. "Any excuse to cause chaos and havoc! You should know this by now, Hermione."
"Well, your timing was impeccable… almost like you knew Lily was here." Hermione turned to the girl, who was shaking and silent. "Come on Lily, I'm taking you to the hospital wing," she said firmly. "You can't study in this state". They had potions soon, and Lily almost began to cry at the idea of Snape's glare. Hermione gave her a stern look and Lily allowed herself to be guided by her best friend to the safety of the ward.
Lily didn't remember getting to the Hospital Wing, but within moments, she and Hermione were sitting on one of the beds. Madam Pomfrey passed a potion to Lily.
"Drink this, it's a calming draught," Madam Pomfrey instructed gently. "It may make you a bit sleepy as well, but that can sometimes happen after a panic attack. Sleep if your body calls for it."
Lily accepted the small vial, her hands shaking too much to remove the stopper. She didn't resist when Hermione pulled it off for her.
"Take it slowly, Lily," Hermione told her kindly, pressing it into her hand.
Lily downed the potion in one mouthful, feeling a growing sense of calm spread from her stomach.
"Thank you," Lily directed to Hermione. "You came at just the right time... you and the twins."
"Anytime, Lily," Hermione replied, taking the empty vial and putting it on the bedside table. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"I just, I heard everyone whispering… laughing…" Lily recalled, shivering. "They were calling me a freak."
"Oh Lily, you're not a freak," Hermione cried out in protest, wrapping an arm over Lily's shoulders. "You are an amazing girl and one of my best friends."
"Miss Potter, you should never feel like you are a freak. Everyone should have the right to be themselves, especially at Hogwarts," Madam Pomfrey told her.
"But what if they are right? What if I am a freak?" Lily asked, voice trembling at vocalising one of her worst fears. "I just… I want to be myself, but am I wrong? Is this wrong?"
"No, of course not!" Hermione exclaimed, horrified at the suggestion. "Lily, I've been researching this… Unfortunately, even in the muggle world, transgender people are tormented and abused by others who think with small minds."
"What? Why?" Lily was unsuccessful in choking back a sob.
"People are jerks, and completely evil at times… But at the same time, there are always good people as well, like you. Look at yourself; you help others without even thinking about it. You need to remember that not everyone is good, but it's the good that matters, and you are one of the best people in this world," Hermione told her firmly, rubbing her back.
"I just… I want to be myself and I don't want to be a freak," Lily lost her battle against her tears, and she began to cry. "I just want to be me."
"Lily, you are not a freak," Hermione soothed her. "I won't let you feel this way because you are so sweet and amazing. Ever since that day on the train, I've wanted to prove to you that I'm worthy of your friendship. Look at how brilliant and brave you are! You risk your life for everyone else without a second thought! Do you remember what I said before you faced Quirrell in First Year? I said that there are more important things than cleverness and books… and those things are friendship and bravery. That is who you are, Lily. Your selfless friendship and admirable bravery make you an amazing, great woman."
"Am I? I look in the mirror, and I just… I still see Harry! I still look like a boy, and everything about this, about me, it's wrong!" Lily declared in desperation, looking down at her body in disgust.
"I'm working on that, Miss Potter, and I may have some ideas. I've been consulting with some of the best medi-witches in the wizarding world, and right now, there are several researching this as a favour. We have muggle hormones, but we don't really trust them exactly," Madam Pomfrey informed her. "We think we have a solution, but we need a little more time to figure it out. The last thing that any of us wants to do is to harm you, or anybody else in your situation."
"See, Lily? It won't be long until we can help you and get your body right, I promise. It won't be long at all."
"Have you been bullied by anyone else?" Madam Pomfrey asked delicately.
Lily looked down at the floor, shrinking in on herself again. "Malfoy, calling me a freak, and… pervert…" Lily whispered the last word, eyes filling with tears again.
"What? Why? How is that even remotely possible?" Hermione grabbed Lily's hand, squeezing it in hers. "How the hell could you think that's even remotely possible?"
"I don't… I don't feel comfortable in the boy's showers… and I don't want to use the girls because then…" Lily tried to explain, her free hand clenching in her lap. "And the toilets… what do I do? Where do I go?"
"Oh Lily," Hermione understood instantly what Lily was afraid of. She knew this was also a major problem in the muggle world for transgender people – her aunt had struggled while her body was still visibly presenting as masculine - but here at Hogwarts, which was supposed to be a safe place… "Lily, you aren't wrong, or broken, or a pervert. All you want to do is stay clean and use the toilet, like every other human, creature and animal. No one has the right to call you names for that. You are a woman, and even the school knows it. That's magic more powerful than any Malfoy or his cronies could ever achieve, let alone disprove."
"She's right, Miss Potter," Madam Pomfrey added. "I have some work to do, but you can stay as long as you need to. I'll have a note written for you both to give to your professors."
As Madam Pomfrey left to go to her office, Lily turned to Hermione, biting her lip. "Why can't people let me be me? I'm not hurting anyone, am I?"
"Only yourself when you're not letting yourself be Lily. You've been forced to hide for years and now you're free, but you're afraid to fully be yourself. You're so worried about being judging you when, frankly, what others think don't matter in the slightest. You are allowed to express yourself, no matter what anyone else says."
"I just… I wish I could feel that way, you know? I've wanted to be free for so long, but now, I feel so… afraid, and useless," Lily explained with a sigh. "It's like I'm not even human."
"Don't say that!" Hermione snapped, her eyes flashing. "Lily, you will never be useless. Think of all you have done already! You defeated You-Know-Who as a baby. You saved us all again in First Year. You're the youngest Seeker in a century. And you've made such a difference to my life. You will never, ever be useless."
"Hermione, I appreciate you saying all of that, but… Urgh, how do I explain this?" Lily got up from the bed, beginning to pace. "It's like, I have so many emotions inside of me, and I don't know how to handle them! I still have to use the voice spell every four hours just to keep my voice feminine! I just want to feel a little normal, and just be the girl I know I am. When I danced at the age of six, my voice became feminine without needing a spell. Why can't that happen again?"
"I don't know Lily," Hermione sighed. "I've been looking into this for you. Even muggle hormones can't fix the voice, they use some sort of surgery and training to alter their voice. I wish I could just wave my wand and make all of this easier for you."
"I know," Lily hated the dejected tone in her voice as she sat back down. "I wish I wasn't so afraid of being myself."
"Lily, the best way to be yourself is to let yourself live, and not let Malfoy or his idiot friends win." Hermione nudged Lily with her shoulder. "If anyone can make advancements in magical society for other transgender people, it's definitely you. You're powerful and influential and, truthfully? You're stubborn to boot. You will make it happen." Lily looked doubtful. "How are you feeling now? Do you want go to and sit by the lake until class is done for the day?"
At the lake, Hermione pulled Lily down by a soft patch of grass. The two sat in silence, watching the sun's rays ripple of the water. Occasionally, a tentacle from the Giant Squid lazed its way to the surface.
"It's always so peaceful here, isn't it?" Lily commented, her eyes tracking some of the birds.
"That's why I like doing some studying here," Hermione said.
Lily turned her gaze to her best friend, curiosity beginning to burn.
"How have you been doing so many classes, Hermione? I know you're in Muggle Studies with Ron and I, but according to your timetable you're also in another class at the same time. How are you in two places at once?"
"I can't tell you, but it's not because I don't trust you. I made a promise that I wouldn't tell anyone. It's complicated," Hermione said apologetically
Lily nodded in understanding and put a hand on Hermione's shoulder.
"As long as you are careful and don't wear yourself out. You can't do everything."
"I think I'm going to drop Divination. It's so ridiculous, and Professor Trelawny is a fraud!" Hermione groaned. "Disaster this, death that! She doesn't have the first clue what she's talking about."
Lily giggled. "I've never heard you insult a teacher before, and I share History of Magic with you. I like this side of you."
"You're a bad influence," Hermione teased back. She looked out at the lake again. "I hope Hagrid gets back to his usual lessons, I'm sick of Malfoy still lording it up about his vicious attack." Hermione air quoted. "But I may have found some things to help out with Hagrid's case."
Lily felt a pit in her stomach. She and Ron had agreed to help, but so far, they hadn't done anything. "I'm sorry I haven't helped you with this. It's not fair on you, or Hagrid for that matter."
"Hey, it's okay." Hermione bit her lip, hesitating for a few moments. "I have a question, though. I'm just curious as to why you seem so afraid? Before you revealed about being Lily, you had this sort of… sadness, to you. But now you are so jumpy and anxious. I want to help but I'm not sure I understand why?"
Lily swallowed around the lump in her throat, hugging her knees to her chest. "Because I'm petrified of losing everything."
"You won't lose everyth-"
"Transgender people are discriminated against, attacked, denied treatment, sometimes killed. They lose their jobs, their friends and family, their homes!" Lily felt her eyes fill with tears. "Some people have lost everything when they came out as transgender. We're hated!"
"I'm glad we're not in the muggle world."
"But people still want to kill me, now more than ever. Voldemort wants me dead, Lupin wants me dead, Merlin knows what other followers entertain the same desire. And I've seen the way some of the students look at me since I came out. The hatred in their eyes… I'm scared of being alone in case they corner me and attack! I tried to challenge that and, well, you saw what happened…"
"Lily, I will never let anyone hurt you," Hermione promised. "I know I can't fully understand but I'm here for you, and so is Ron. Right now, you're scared because there's so many unknowns, but the unknown is only scary when you're alone. You'll never lose me, or Ron or Sirius, or the rest of us. We're your friends, and your family."
"I know that deep down. I really do. And I appreciate and love you all so much for your support," Lily inhaled deeply, trying to calm her growing hysteria. "I guess I just… I feel alone. If I could only talk to another transgender witch or wizard who has been through this…"
"My Aunt has offered her ear. We'd need to keep out anything to do with magic, but she's there," Hermione reminded her. "And who knows; maybe your journey will inspire others and soon, people will be reaching out to you for some support and advice?"
Lily's lips twitched. "Lily Potter, the Girl Who Lived To Be A… A…"
"An Inspiration? An Influencer? A Pain In the Ass?"
"Hey!" Lily laughed genuinely that time, lightly shoving Hermione. "I object to that!" The two girls made up more ridiculous titles for Lily and, when their sides began to hurt from laughing so much, they gazed out at the lake again.
"Things will get better," Hermione eventually said, conviction in her voice. "Lupin will be caught, Hagrid and Buckbeak will be okay, and you'll soon begin your treatment. I know it."
"Now look who's channelling her inner Divination skills. Are you sure you should be quitting the class?"
Hermione shoved Lily again. "Quiet, The Girl Who Swallows Snitches!"
"That was one time!"
