Chapter 15
Happy Memories and Revelations
Note from the Authors: Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you so much for your reviews and likes so far. The story is coming along nicely and we'll be getting there. Not sure if there will be an update next week, but we'll do the best we can. In the meantime, please do enjoy, and do leave your comments and reviews, they mean a lot to us xx
The Christmas Holidays were fast approaching but the celebrations were not on the golden trio's mind. Lily, Ron and Hermione were finally beginning to learn about how to defend themselves against the Dementors, Sirius looking unusually solemn as he faced them.
"Dementors are one of the worst creatures to exist. Because of this, they are used to guard Azkaban, the Wizarding prison. They cause intense despair and hopelessness in anybody they are close to and, in worst case scenarios, can perform the Dementor's Kiss to suck a soul right out of someone's body. Even Muggles can feel the effects that the Dementors have, though they are invisible to the Muggle population," Sirius explained. "The spell the counter the negative emotions that the Dementors cause goes beyond the Ordinary Wizarding Level of magic, so it may not be easy to learn. But essentially, you need to think of a happy memory."
"Happiness can defeat a dementor? That sounds simple," Ron commented.
"It sounds it, yes, but it's a lot more complicated than what I just explained. The incantation is an easy one, but it's the emotion and thought required that makes it hard. The incantation is Expecto Patronum, but you need to be thinking of your happiest memory when you cast it," Sirius told the three listening students. "You need to let this happy memory completely envelop you, and this memory creates a Patronus, a type of corporeal animal that acts as a guardian between you and the Dementor. Each Patronus is unique to its conjurer. Here, let me show you."
He took out his wand and pointed it at the back of the room. "Expecto Patronum!" he cried out. A large, silvery dog shot out from his wand and ran around the room on its bear like paws before vanishing.
"Now, I refuse to even attempt to ask Dumbledore to let us use a Dementor. But the Boggart in your first lesson became one after seeing our dear Lily here, so I was able to get one for this lesson," Sirius said, pacing as he spoke. "I'll release it in front of you, Lily, and when it sees you, it will take on the shape of a Dementor. When that happens, I want you to cast the spell. I'll be here to keep it back if it gets too much. So, think of your happiest memory and bring it to the forefront of your mind. Let it become the one and only thing that you think about."
The teenagers frowned in concentration. Lily thought of the first time she had arrived at Hogwarts, and how excited she had been. The buzzing sensation in her veins, how hard her heart had been thumping, the barely contained energy at the possibilities of magic… "I… I'm ready," she said, a little anxious.
Sirius opened the rattling chest, and the boggart-dementor burst free.
A cold chill filled the room as the Dementor seemed to hiss at Lily. She could hear the whispers of being called a freak, the screams of her mother, as she tried to focus. "Ex… Expecto… Expecto Patro…" she tried to say through numb lips, but her hands were shaking too much and the boggart-dementor swooped closer. She cried out as she felt the darkness consuming her.
Sirius, Hermione and Ron were standing over her when Lily forced her eyes open. She was lying flat on the stone floor, shivering, the echoes of screams and insults swirling through her mind.
Sirius held out a hand to her and pulled the girl to her feet, before pushing some chocolate into her hands. "Eat this and you will feel better. We should take a break."
"No, I want to try again," Lily said firmly as she munched on the sweet confection. Her blood was getting warmer as her shaking eased. As Ron opened his mouth, no doubt to protest, Lily forced herself to stand. "I need to do this," Lily told them, determined. "I just need to think of a happier memory."
"If you're sure," Sirius said. "But remember, this is advanced magic. Very few can cast this spell."
"You can, Uncle Sirius," Lily pointed out. "Aunt Minnie has told me many stories of your time at Hogwarts. I can't believe you even graduated, so if you can do it, so can I."
Ron and Hermione snorted, as Sirius threw back his head and laughed. "Cheeky bugger," he complained sarcastically. "I wasn't that bad… but whatever. Are you ready?"
Lily took a deep breath, and as the Boggart Dementor was released, she thought of the when Gryffindor had won the house cup. She let the pride, love and happiness fill her and shouted the spell. The Dementor moved for her but stopped as a wisp of white light shot out from her wand, forming a flickering shield. The screams were still there, but slightly muffled.
As her hands began to tremble and the spell faded, Sirius took over, forcing the Boggart Dementor back into the chest. It slammed shut and he beamed at her with pride.
"That was damned impressive. You were thinking of something really happy?" Sirius asked.
Lily nodded. Despite his wide smile, she felt disappointed. "It wasn't good enough, was it?" she sighed, drained.
Sirius put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, you managed to stop it from overwhelming you. If I need to reiterate it again then I will. This is incredibly advanced magic that even fully trained Witches and Wizards struggle to do. The fact you have managed a non-corporeal Patronus on your second try? And at 13 years old? That's a massive start," Sirius complimented. "You've done really well."
"I want to try again," Lily insisted, trying to ignore the remnants of the shrill screams still ringing in her ears. She gripped her wand tight to disguise the tremors.
"Lily, you should rest," Ron said, not fooled by her bravado.
"Just once more," Lily insisted. She took the piece of chocolate Sirius offered to her and straightened her spine, determination across her face. As the Boggart Dementor came out of the chest and towards her moments later, she looked at it with grim determination, realising the memory she should have used to begin with.
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" Lily cried out. A bright light shot out from her wand, and the horrible screams from her mother were drowned out by cheering. Sirius laughed happily as the silvery shield forced the Boggart Dementor back into the chest. Sirius sealed it shut with an excited "whoop!" as Ron and Hermione rushed around their best friend.
"Lily, that was incredible!" Hermione exclaimed, eyes flashing with delight.
"I think your Patronus might be a horse or something. It looked horse like. Or maybe a cow?" Ron theorised excitedly. "Wouldn't it be so cool if it was a lion? Or lioness? Yeah, it looked kinda like a lioness! That was amazing!"
"Lily, no student has ever managed that at your age or so soon into the lessons. That must have been an exceptionally powerful memory," Sirius said, almost breathless with glee.
Lily smiled, mildly self-conscious. "I remembered when I was six, and when I looked in the mirror for the first time, seeing myself as, well, myself," she explained.
"That makes sense," Sirius pushed the remaining bar of chocolate into Lily's hands. "I'm so proud of you, kid. Now, sit down and rest. That was very impressive," Sirius instructed. He turned his attention to the other two teenagers. "Without a real Dementor, it will be difficult for you two to practise. The Boggart will turn into your own personal greatest fears so we wouldn't be able to practise the spell. But theory can still be important-"
"What if I think my greatest fear is a dementor?" Ron interrupted.
"You'll really need to find fear inside yourself for that," Sirius said after a few moments of contemplation.
"That won't be hard after what I just saw," Ron admitted. "Dementors are freaky… and being in prison with them?" He shivered. "That sounds like a fate worse than death."
Hermione nodded her head in agreement, eyeing the shaking chest with unease. By the time they had finished, both Gryffindors had managed to make the Boggart become a Dementor and summoned a flimsy silver shield. Sirius was thrilled with all three of them.
"You three are the most promising students Hogwarts has ever produced, and Dumbledore went here. I'm raising my expectations in class for all of you," Sirius told them. He handed out more chocolate and nibbled on his own piece as the students munched on the treat, his handsome face twisting with mirth at Ron's horrified look.
"Does this mean more homework?"
"I think you can handle it, Ron," Sirius complimented. "Honestly, I'm extremely impressed, and I think your parents will be as well. I mean, look at what you did. Don't ever knock your skills, because honestly, you're even better than I was at your age."
"Thanks, Uncle Sirius," Lily said, beaming at the praise. She was exhausted, and ached, but felt accomplished. "Hey Hermione, how many books did you read about the Patronus Charm before this evening?"
"Six," Hermione confessed with a sheepish look. "I just wanted to be prepared!"
Sirius laughed. "You can read as many books as you like, but that doesn't make you an amazing witch or wizard. That comes from the strength inside. You three have a powerful bond, just like I had with my friends back at Hogwarts."
"You mean like my parents?" Lily confirmed. At Sirius's nod, she bit her lip for a moment. "What were my parents like, back at school?"
Sirius's prideful smile faded into a fond grin. "Your father was one of the bravest kids I'd ever known. I was the first Black to be sorted into Gryffindor and I was terrified of being bullied, alone, ostracised… my Family were well known to be supporters of Voldemort, and loved the idea of a pure blood society. Me being a Gryffindor went against all of my upbringing and Family values. Truthfully, I thought I would be miserable at Hogwarts and not make any friends due to my Family's associations and extreme views, but your father became my best friend by the end of the first week. We were… a little rash, and sometimes we could be…" Sirius paused, his smile fading. He sighed.
"Sometimes we could be mean to the Slytherin's, especially to Snape. He was in our year, and… well, he was friends with your mother, at first. They hung out after class and studied together in the early years, but he changed as he fell in with the Slytherin crowd. He went from being a silent loner to a cruel, bitter person and eventually your mother couldn't stand to be around him. They had a huge argument in our 5th year and after that, never spoke again. I felt sorry for her, losing such a close friend. But we – that is, James, me, Peter and Remus – adopted Lily under our wing. She was a popular girl, really good at Charms, and James had been crushing on her since second year. She always turned down his attempts at asking her for a date. But after she and Snape fell out, she eventually said yes to James. The rest is history."
"Wild theory, but would you say that's why Snape hates me? Because I remind him of a lost friendship?" Lily hypothesised. "But it doesn't really describe his hatred towards Neville...".
Sirius shrugged. "I know he loved your mum in his way, but eventually, the more he fell in with the wanna be Death Eaters, the more twisted he became. The same happened to my younger brother Regulus."
"I guess the Slytherin House really is evil," Ron commented dryly.
"Not all of them, Ron. Remember, I grew up in a house that had been in Slytherin since the founders time, and I turned out okay," Sirius pointed out. He shrugged once more. "I can't help but to think that, maybe if we'd been nicer to Snape… well, who knows. He didn't have an easy home life from the vague hints Lily gave, but if he had some genuine connections at school…"
"You think Snape could be a nice guy if you had been nicer to him?" Ron asked, incredulous. "He's a git!"
"Ron, what you need to remember is that a lot of our experiences in life are shaped by how we are treated as children, and the people around us," Sirius explained. "What we think of as small actions at the time can have a lasting effect well into adulthood. That helplessness can turn into anger, and so the individual lashes out on people who they perceive as weaker than them. If Snape did indeed have a poor home life, not having that safety at school either could have made him feel like becoming scarier, nastier and more powerful could help him regain a sense of control."
"So… would you say the same could be said for Malfoy senior?" Lily asked, tilting her head slightly as she pondered Sirius's words. "He treated Dobby terribly and is a total jerk. And Draco Malfoy doesn't fall too far from the tree. I'd say they were bad guys, and they don't seem to have any indications of having a bad life. They're loaded and Draco gets all that he wants from his parents…"
"Very few people are born inherently bad. And I'd say that is true even for the Slytherins, including the young Malfoy," Sirius allowed his gaze to glance over the teenagers. "The thing that we all should be mindful of is how we don't know how anybody's home life is behind closed doors. That goes for all the students in every House. Some have had adverse childhood experiences and may also have… less than ideal role models, shall we say. Voldemort's supporters were known as Death Eaters and while it is true that most of those supporters originated in Slytherin, it doesn't mean that every Slytherin is bad. Quite a few Slytherins in your year, and above, had parents who were known Death Eaters and may even still hold the same beliefs that Voldemort held to this day; they're just quieter about it. It isn't too absurd to think that the parents could be pushing their archaic belief system onto their children, which could cause stress, confusion…"
"Professor –"
"We're outside of lessons, Hermione, call me Sirius."
"Okay… well, Sirius, you once mentioned… well, that Lupin was a Gryffindor," she said hesitantly. "And also… a werewolf. Do you reckon maybe that's why he joined You-Know-Who? Because he felt out of control of being a werewolf?"
Sirius sighed. "It's hard to say. It's certainly a possibility, and I've spent many nights awake wondering about it. But, and this is very important, even someone with the worst upbringing imaginable don't always turn out bad. Humans aren't black and white, and you can't claim someone will turn into Dark Wizard because their teddy bear was stolen or whatever."
"How about if that teddy was turned into a spider?" Ron piped up. "Would that turn someone Dark?"
"Oh, horrendously so," Sirius nodded solemnly. "There's no hope for that poor child."
Lily nudged Ron with her elbow, snickering.
"Prof – I mean, Sirius… you mentioned that these adverse childhood experiences could make someone grow up angry and bitter, and therefore lash out on others because of it," Hermione summarised. "Why didn't that happen to you?"
"Again, people aren't black and white. We humans are smart, but that doesn't mean we understand everything. That's especially true about our own minds and what makes them tick." Sirius tapped the side of his skull as he spoke. "For example… I tried so hard to help my younger brother when we were in Hogwarts, to steer him away from the group of Slytherins that were rumoured to already be recruited in being Death Eaters. I failed miserably and he was killed. Then there is my cousin Bellatrix… I admit I was never too kind to her. She ended up being one of Voldemort's most savage, devout followers and sometimes I think, maybe if I had been nicer to her, more willing to listen, then she might not have done some of the unforgivable things that she did. Same with Snape. He may have switched sides during the last War but if his only friend wasn't just Lily, then maybe he wouldn't have joined the Dark at all." Sirius chuckled self-consciously. "Listen to me, rambling away…"
"Uncle Sirius?"
"Yes, Lily?"
"You can't blame yourself for what others do. You aren't in control of their choices or actions," Lily said. "What did you say to me when I was a kid after I thought climbing a tree was a good idea even when you told me not to because the weather was too bad?"
"Merlin, that was a long time ago –"
"You said that hindsight is a bitch," Lily quoted with a grin. "Like, I wish I had said something about who I truly am a lot sooner. I had no reason to be so afraid of telling you as you've shown me nothing but love and support. But I made that choice to hide it. That has nothing to do with you, just like how Snape turned into a bully also has nothing to do with you. Your brother, your cousin, even Remus Lupin… they were their own people with their own choices to make."
"But if I had just –"
"No buts, Uncle. From what you explained, it sounds like humans are the most unpredictable species out there, and we certainly don't understand everything about ourselves. But do you know what I do know as a fact?"
"What's that?"
"You're one of the kindest, most wonderful people that I know. If I can be half the person that you are, I'll be one happy girl," Lily leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"You're sweet, Lily, and honestly, it's kind of you to say. Just… be careful, that's all I'm saying," Sirius said with the hints of a blush on his cheeks. "Draco Malfoy may not like you, but maybe a chance will come when you can put things aside. If Voldemort does return, we need all the help we can get.".
Lily nodded slowly. "I'll try. I mean, he makes me feel… well, I just don't want to feel like that. He's so rude and arrogant but I trust you."
"That's all I ask," Sirius said, smiling. "School is an amazing time to make lifelong connections. And without a doubt, you three will be causing chaos when you're grey and old, thinking back to the good old days. People tend to put more importance on romantic love but love between friends is probably even more crucial. You three have already been through so much together and the bond between you all gives me hope."
"Since we are all being mushy…" Ron cleared his throat awkwardly. "Hermione? I never thought I'd be friends with someone who reminded me so much of my brother Percy. But you're funny, brave, stubborn, and you make me want to be a better person." He turned to Lily before he could get too flustered by Hermione's tear-filled eyes. "Lily, before I came to Hogwarts, I was so scared of not fitting in, of not making friends or having to always be in my brother's shadow. Now, they're the ones in my shadow, especially since they weren't awarded the Order of Merlin, First Class. You helped me become a better person as well," Ron said, smiling at her. "You're not only my best friend, you're like a sister to me, and I'm proud of that."
Lily gave her two best friends a watery smile, too choked up to speak. She recalled how scared she had been to lose everyone if they found out the truth about her. The fears were still there, but with moments like this, surrounded by love and love, freedom and curiosity with people that she cared about? She wished that it would never end.
Sirius walked the three back to the Gryffindor common room far after curfew, the teenagers' sides aching with laughter at some of the tales Sirius told from his youth. The worry that had been shadowing Sirius since the start of the school year began to fade away during his recollections, and it wasn't until the trio began to yawn that they noticed the time.
As Hermione and Ron bid Sirius goodnight at the Fat Lady, he held Lily back for a moment.
"Live for these moments, Lily. Live for the moments where you feel complete, and happy, and safe. Enjoy your freedom, and your friends, and create some wonderful memories to look back on."
"There is one memory I would give anything to forget, Black, and that's the time you flashed me to get into the common room after forgetting the password," the Fat Lady grumbled sleepily from her portrait. "Now stop yapping and let me get back to sleep."
Lily stuffed her mouth with her sleeve, unable to stop the snorts of shock and mirth as she hurried to the girls' dormitory.
