Chapter 21
Nightmares of the Mind
Note from the Authors: Sorry for the delay with this chapter. Things have been hectic for both Mystic Dodo and myself. For the time being, we'll be updating every two weeks instead of every week, to give us both a chance to destress, catch up with editing and the like, and to take a little pressure off. Sorry for those who look forward to the weekly update, but we'll get back to weekly updates as soon as we can. In the meantime, enjoy this next chapter, the start of year 4! Also, there is a spelling issue of McGonagall, it's deliberate, not a mistake :)
Ron had been beside himself with excitement when he fire-called Lily soon after the summer holidays began. Sirius and Lupin had come in from outside at hearing Lily's screams of enthusiasm, wands drawn, but soon joined the excited teenagers when they were told the fantastic news; Arthur Weasley had been given a few family tickets to the Quidditch World Cup.
"Top box tickets!" Ron said for the umpteenth time. "We'll get the best views, and maybe even a few autographs! We'll need to thank Ludo Bagman for given them to Dad."
"Bagman did?" Sirius sounded suspicious. "Thought he was riddled with debt. How did he afford the tickets?"
"Who cares, Uncle Sirius? This is going to be amazing!"
On top of the brewing impatience for the Match, Remus had also been helping Lily with her homework. He had settled into the household with great ease, though Lily and Sirius quickly acknowledged that the man had leftover trauma from his imprisonment, despite Remus's denial. Some days were worse than others, and his eyes would flash a feral yellow at the smallest inconvenience. There was a handful of instances were Remus forgot what the year was, and he wondered aloud where James was. When this happened, Sirius would take Remus to the dining room and sit him down with a cup of tea and chocolate, gently explaining the events of the last 12 years.
Remus was always sheepish afterwards, shuffling around the property with a morose look on his face. "I don't know why this keeps happening," he grumbled one evening. "I feel like I'm losing my mind."
"Remus, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, and what you went through, being locked up for so long. Your knowledge of your innocence kept you from insanity, but that doesn't mean that you escaped from the effects of chronic exposure to Dementors," Sirius told him. "Depression causes all sorts of problems, including memory and emotional regulation. It's perfectly valid and understandable to get confused, sometimes."
"But I'm smarter than that," Remus said softly, desperately. "Or rather, I was… I just feel so stupid, now. Forgetful, absent minded, and so tired, too."
"Welcome to adulthood, my dear Moony," Sirius lightly nudged his shoulder. "You've only been away from that awful place for, what, less than a year? Give yourself time. Lily and I are here to help."
"And Dobby, too, sirs!"
"Getting out and watching the World Cup should help, too."
Lily got used to having Aunt Minnie stay the night whenever there was a full moon, and the after day the Professor would take Lily and her female friends out to the shops. Lily loved seeing her surrogate aunt and very strict Transfiguration Professor stare at muggle fashion and cosmetics with something akin to shock, curiosity and bewilderment.
Lavender and Parvati, along with Parvati's Ravenclaw twin sister Padma, adapted well to muggle mannerisms and happily flirted with the local males. Hermione and Lily helped Ginny and Minerva, muttering explanations on technology and various other things that were uncommon to the pure blood witches. The night after the full moon meant a sleepover, and Lily experienced the fun of face masks, nail polish, and trying on make-up. The group of girls barely got any sleep and a grumpy Minerva eventually called Sirius to get them to behave.
"Sorry, Mr Black," Padma and Lavender gushed. "Do you like our makeup?"
"Never been one for it myself," Sirius yawned. "Doesn't suit me. Clean up and get some rest, okay? Growing girls need their sleep."
"Uncle Sirius, we aren't 8 years old!"
"Not at all, but sleep is still important." He gave the group of girls a fake glare before winking. "And if you don't sleep, just keep the noise down!"
When he left, Ginny was staring at the other two females. "Do you have a crush on him or something?"
Lily made a face of disgust when Parvati, Padma and Lavender blushed. "He's so hot!"
"He's my godfather," Lily pointed out. "He's old!"
"But have you seen the shape of his shoulders?" Parvati sighed dreamily. "It's such a shame he's not longer a Professor. I would have loved a few detentions with him."
"Parvati!"
"If you don't fall asleep within the next five minutes, I'm returning your dress robes!" Minerva snapped when she thrust her head through the bedroom door again. "Go. To. Sleep!"
Despite the initial protests, and some more speculation on why Minerva had insisted that they brought some for the upcoming year, the girls did fall asleep quickly.
Lily awoke not long after, sweating and gasping. She clamped a hand over her mouth so as not to wake the others, struggling to stifle the noises of shock trying to escape. Her entire body was shaking, and her eyes felt tacky with mascara. Slowly, she tip-toed her way to the bathroom and washed her face, allowing the motion to calm her heart rate. From the bathroom window Lily saw the night sky was beginning to lighten and she wondered if she should wake her uncle to let him know what had just happened.
Making up her mind, Lily left the bathroom only to bump into Hermione.
"Sorry, Hermione. Everything okay?"
"For me, yes. But how about for you? I woke up because you were whimpering, and all of a sudden you rushed to the bathroom," Hermione whispered back.
"Ah, damn, I didn't mean to wake you. I just… I had a weird dream. If you can even call it that…". At Hermione's inquisitive expression, Lily explained about the not – quite – a – dream; about an old man, muggle, being murdered in a flash of green light, and the unmistakable laugh of Voldemort echoing just out of view. Pettigrew was standing nearby, looking thinner but somehow more dangerous, far from the blubbering coward of a man who had escaped a few months prior.
As she finished, Hermione was playing with the hem of her nightie and biting her lower lip. "And you think it wasn't just some really vivid nightmare?"
"No. I can't explain it, but it was like… I was there, in that house. I could hear the floorboards and smell the dust. I just don't understand why I was, well, there, with Voldemort and Pettigrew. They didn't pay me any attention, so maybe I was invisible or something, but then why have me there in the first place? It doesn't make any sense," Lily ran a hand through her hair. "I wish it was a dream, but something tells me it wasn't."
"I think I may know what it is," Hermione told her softly. "I've been doing extra reading about certain things, like cursed scars and why they hurt, what does it mean, what have you. Long story short, it led me onto something called Legilimency, which is a spell used to basically mind read. I think You-Know-Who can use this magic and he somehow sent what he was doing to you."
"Well, that's just great," Lily groaned. "I don't suppose there is any way to stop him?"
"Occlumency can. But it's hard to learn."
"Worth it to stop Voldemort from reading my mind," Lily shivered. "Explains how he knew about me wanting to be being Lily in first year…"
"I was thinking it would be a good idea if you, me and Ron all learned together," Hermione suggested. "And if anybody else wants to join, they can as well."
"Ron is going to hate the idea of studying more," Lily giggled softly as she thought of what Ron was going to say to them. "Why the bloody hell do we need to study more?" she imitated Ron. Both girls laughed at the thought.
"He'll come round, though," Hermione said.
Lily nodded. "We could ask my uncles for help as well."
"Help with what?" Ginny asked, stepping out from the bedroom rubbing her eyes. "How to not talk so loud?"
"Oh shoot. Sorry, Ginny, we didn't mean to wake you."
"It's okay. What are you talking about?" Ginny leaned against the wall with a yawn.
Lily and Hermione filled her in.
Ginny was hugging herself by the end of the explanation. "If You-Know-Who can read minds, then I want to learn as well. I won't be his victim ever again."
"Victi- oh Ginny," Lily reached out and put a hand on Ginny's shoulder, not knowing how to respond.
"I guess I'm lucky because I don't really remember any of it. But I remember being… almost addicted to writing in that damned diary, and to his suggestions and demands and being unable to fight him off," Ginny shuddered. "If I had been able to, then so many people wouldn't have been hurt, and Hagrid never would have ended up in Azkaban…"
"You are not to blame, Ginny. You-Know-Who is a powerful Wizard, and he used your own fear and insecurity against you. Many older wizards have been misled and corrupted by him and his lies," Hermione said. "I know I don't blame you for being Petrified, and nobody else does either."
"Let me learn Occlumency with you," Ginny insisted, staring at the two with fiery determination in her eyes. "And I think Professor Black should be told as well."
"I'm just wondering if I should let him know before or after the Boys Day' Out tomorrow," Lily sighed.
"Before," Hermione told her. "When he and the other males are out doing their own shopping for the next year of Hogwarts, maybe Sirius could pick up a few books or something."
"Hence Ron being annoyed about extra studying," Ginny concluded with a grin.
"Yep. Alright, I'll let him know before breakfast," Lily said, holding back a sudden yawn. "Let's try and get some more sleep for the time being."
Lily told her godfathers about the dream-not-dream, as well as Hermione's research into learning Occlumency, just before the adult males were due to pick up the Weasley boys for the day trip.
"Will you be able to pick up some books for us to study from?" Lily asked, taking note of the twin looks of anxiety on their faces.
"Anything you need," Sirius said. "Back during the first Wizarding War, there were rumours about Moldy Shorts being able to read minds and that's why so many were afraid of him. Many old Families began to learn Occlumency to try and combat any mental attacks, including mine."
"Does that mean you know how to do it?"
Sirius nodded. "I was… unfortunate enough to have to learn Occlumency and my Family weren't gentle. Learning to defend your mind is a great skill to have but it is very hard magic. But I think, giving it sounds like you and the old wart have some sort of connection, it's something that should be done."
"From what Lily has described, I don't believe You-Know-Who is aware of the connection," Remus pondered aloud, absently picking as a healing scratch on his chin. "Think about it; the night Lily got her scar is the night that his own attack backfired on him. He's spent a decade trying to crawl back from the brink of death and, over the last three years, seems to be becoming increasingly more powerful again. And now with Peter by his side, it isn't too farfetched to believe that his power has increased again. Why else hasn't this happened sooner? It's because Voldemort isn't aware. You being there while he and Peter murdered a man wasn't intentional." Remus looked carefully at Lily. "I only say this as a possibility and not suggesting we do it, but if Lily does have such a connection, there is every possibility of using it against him. It will help us prevent whatever plan he has, before he has the chance to do it."
"Absolutely not!" Sirius snapped, his canines gleaming. "I won't allow Lily to risk herself, not in that kind of way."
"But Uncle Sirius, Voldemort was alluding to a plan for the Quidditch World Cup. If I hadn't had somehow read his mind, we wouldn't know about it until it was too late," Lily pointed out. "Now we can take more precautions and warn Minister Fudge."
"Fuck that –"
"Padfoot, I hate to even entertain the idea of putting Lily in potential danger. She's the daughter I never had and I regret not spending these years with you both. All I am thinking is, if we can use Voldemort's ignorance to our advantage then many other families won't have to be separated," Remus said. "All with Lily's consent of course, and if it begins to get too dangerous, we stop it immediately."
"I want to do it," the girl abruptly stated. "Anything to stop Voldemort gaining more power again."
Sirius stared between the two, unhappy. "I can see I'm outnumbered here," he complained gruffly. "Fine. But we won't tell Fudge that the warning came from unintentional Legilimency, it can be an anonymous tip. I don't trust the Ministry."
"Dumbledore is famed for his skills in Occlumency and Legilimency," Remus pointed out. "We should let him know about Lily's… experiences, last night."
"Maybe he can find a trustworthy teacher," Sirius sighed. "I'm decent at Occlumency but against Voldemort I'd be overpowered in moments. If we're to do this, and that's only an if, then it's only going to be when you have a firm grasp on all of it. So yes, I'll find a few books today."
"Thank you both," Lily said. "And don't worry, Dobby will make sure we don't destroy the house in your absence."
"Miss Lily summoned Dobby?" the house elf asked, cracking into view. "Is she and her friends hungry?"
"No, thank you Dobby," Lily told him with a smile. "Just reminding my uncles that you'll keep a good eye on us girls when they're out all day."
"Oh, of course! And look after Professor Minoganall too," Dobby promised earnestly. "Masters will be late if they don't leave soon, though…"
"You're right," Sirius looked at his watch before turning to Remus. "We should get going if we're going to be at the store in time to pick up the tent."
"Tent?" Lily tilted her head to the side.
"For the World Cup. Don't worry, it isn't like the muggles ones we used when we went camping on your 9th birthday." Sirius assured her. He opened his arms for a hug and Lily quickly gave him one, kissing his stubbled cheek. "Be good. We'll be back this evening."
"Have fun," Lily said as she hugged Remus goodbye as well.
A few minutes later, and after telling Dobby that Aunt Minnie should probably be allowed to sleep in given they had kept her up most of the night, Lily returned to her friends.
"So? What did they say?" Ginny asked when Lily appeared.
"Sirius is going to talk to Dumbledore about it all, but Remus seems keen on us learning," she summarised. "By the end of the day we'll have some new reading material, at the very least."
"Who knew being friends with Lily Potter would mean extra studying?" Parvati joked as she finished plaiting her hair. "Being the saviour of the wizarding world should give some benefits, at the very least."
"I know my own personal benefits are having great friends like you," Lily complimented with a smile. "I don't think many would be willing to learn how to stay safe in order to continue being friends with me…"
"You underestimate yourself, Lily," Hermione said. "You've brought us together. I never would have thought I'd have been as remotely close to any of you like I am, and it's because of you."
"What's a little extra studying and danger if it means keeping you as a friend?" Padma piped up. "I'm glad my sister began talking with you, Lily. It's a shame most of the Houses tend to keep to themselves."
"I'm glad you have all stuck by me. I was so scared of losing everyone and tried to keep everyone at arm's length because of it." Lily sighed, staring out her living room window to the garden. "I wish I had made better connections with you all, before I came out."
"I'm really glad you were able to tell us about who you really are, Lily," Lavender said. "And Hermione is right when she said you've brought us together."
"Thank you all so much for accepting the real me," Lily told her group of friends with a self-conscious smile. "And for teaching me how to do makeup, and look after my hair, and for all of your suggestions on clothes yesterday. You're all helping me feel, well, authentic, and it's so… liberating."
"Freedom will do that for you," Ginny commented. "Let's face it; you were a prisoner in your own body, and from what we've all researched, you've done something a lot of transgender people struggle with. You've had the courage to come out and be you."
"I just wonder how many other Witches and Wizards out there are hiding their true selves," Lily admitted. "The fact that muggle society is slightly more enlightened in terms of transgender folk is a bit shocking."
"Well, there was that massive fight between the muggles many years ago, wasn't there?" Parvati recalled. "That was all due to being different from each other."
"You mean Muggle World War 2," Hermione said. "It was a dark time in history, for sure. So many people were killed for things that aren't their fault, and all because of some megalomaniac's twisted views."
"Kinda sounds similar to what Voldemort did…"
"If you want to draw parallels, then in about 60 years Wizarding society will finally be where the Muggle society is now," Ginny stated. "Well, hopefully even further along with Lily raising awareness."
"The one thing I don't get is why Wizards and Muggles can't co-exist," Lily confessed. "Why do we keep ourselves hidden? Can you imagine the enrichments to both sides if we could just put aside whatever differences we have?"
"It's all due to the Salam Witch Trials," Hermione explained. "Muggles were terrified of Wizards and killed because of said fear. Wizarding population more than halved during those times and so, it was deemed safer to hide in plain sight. That's when the Statue of Secrecy was made. Another Dark Wizard by the name of Grindelwald wanted to abolish it during the time of the Muggle World War 2 due to believing that Wizards are far superior to muggles, and Dumbledore himself is the one who defeated him."
"How do you learn all of this?" Lavender groaned. "They don't teach this in school!"
"They do, but Binns has a way of waffling. Maybe one day Wizards and Muggles can cohabit peacefully but until then…"
"So many things need to change about both societies," Lily said. "If we could all just love each other and be open minded about differences, then so much heart ache and suffering wouldn't be a thing." She glanced down at her body. Her potions were beginning to take effect, only in subtle ways that she doubted anybody else would notice. "I can't wait for the day that I can finally be in the correct body, and not be stuck in this frustrating in between stage. Maybe then I will be more accepted."
"The right people will accept you no matter what stage of your transition," Ginny pointed out. "We accept you, don't we?"
"Yes, you do, and I'm so grateful to you all… and for also wanting to help against Voldemort."
"What are friends for?" Hermione said. She stood up from the sofa and stretched. "And what are we doing to do for the day while the adults are away?"
"Can we practise more makeup?" Lily asked eagerly.
