Chapter 23

Dealing with Emotions

Molly Weasley was beside herself with worry, her eyes blotchy as she tried to hug as many of the children as possible.

"Molly, dear, give them chance to get inside and put down their bags," Arthur said gently as he kissed her cheek. "We're all okay."

"I'm more worried about them," Molly sniffed. "To see such horrible behaviours… The Daily Prophet said the Muggles –"

"Ah, was it written by Rita Skeeter by any chance?" Sirius rolled his eyes as he gently tried to pull Lavender from Molly's suffocating embrace. "You know she sensationalises everything."

"That may be the case, but it doesn't change the fact that… that the Dark Mark was cast." Molly's eyes welled up with tears again as she renewed her grip. "I'm just glad none of you were harmed."

"Lily had her wand stolen," Ginny mumbled from somewhere inside the mass of limbs. "Can't breathe!"

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah. A house elf stole the wand and used it to cast You-Know-Who's mark," Padma informed as she slipped free.

"Let's sit down and we can tell you what really happened," Sirius instructed.

The already cramped kitchen was near bursting point with the extra chairs and people, but Molly expertly brewed drinks and set down a platter of sandwiches in record time. Lily didn't quite realise how ravished she was until she took a bite, and quickly devoured three of them before the conversation returned to the Quidditch World Cup.

She swallowed her sandwich. "Well, it's obvious that the Ministry didn't listen to our anonymous warning. The question I have is, why?"

"There was some extra security," Bill piped up. "I saw some undercover Aurors, but it seemed they were more interested in getting drunk than actually doing their jobs."

"Can you blame them, though?" Arthur sighed. "So many people believe You-Know-Who is dead, even within the Ministry."

"But how could they think that?" Hermione asked, shivering. "The Philosopher's Stone, what happened in the Chamber, Peter Pettigrew…"

"It's not just the Ministry or the general public that think You-Know-Who is dead," Percy commented, frowning. "His old followers were the first to vanish as soon as the mark was cast."

"They're likely afraid," Remus said. "In Azkaban, a lot of Death Eaters were screaming about the traitors who remained free. Loads claimed to be under a spell and escaped imprisonment by denouncing Voldemort. If it was those followers who decided to have their sick, twisted version of fun, it would make sense that they would flee when they saw the mark."

"Because if Voldemort was there, and he caught them, they'd have to explain themselves to him," Lily surmised. "Do you… do you think he was there?"

"No," Sirius immediately said. "I have no doubt that he's getting stronger, and has been over the last 13 years, but he wouldn't have risked going to such an advertised event. No, I believe the person who cast the Mark is an individual, no doubt trying to send a message."

"But why use my wand?" Lily asked. "And then why plant it on a house elf?"

"It is worrying, that someone was able to get your wand," Remus said. "Are you sure you didn't leave it somewhere unattended?"

"No, not at all," Lily promised. "I know we aren't supposed to use magic during the holidays, but I like having it on me, anyway. It gives me a sense of security. It was tucked safely in my pocket and that's where I thought it was throughout the entire match."

"And the mystery gets stronger," Charlie said, getting up from his spot around the table and beginning to collect the empty cups. "You should all invest in some wand holsters. I dread to think of the amount of wands I would have needed to buy, if I didn't have mine for work." He rolled up one of his sleeves and, strapped to his arm, was his wand. "Easy release mechanism for when you need to use your wand, and with anti-theft spells too."

"Charlie, is that another burn?" Molly interrupted. "Honestly, your job is far too dangerous! Why you want to work with such volatile creatures…"

"They're heavily misunderstood," Charlie laughed. "We have this conversation every time we meet, Mum. Give it up, would you? Oh! That does remind me, though; Hagrid's dragon? The Norwegian ridgeback? Turns out he is a she."

"What?" Lily blinked in surprise. "Norbert is a girl?"

"Yep. It's quite hard to tell when dragons are babies, but Norbert is most definitely a female. The biggest clue was when she gave birth!"

"Dragons would have been much cooler to have guarding Hogwarts than Dementors," Ginny said. "Nobody would have dared try to break into the school with them around."

"True," Remus chuckled. "I don't fancy my chances against a dragon, that's for sure."

"Would you rather a dragon, or Mad-Eye?" Sirius asked, grinning.

"A dragon," Remus, Arthur, Bill and Charlie answered simultaneously. As they laughed, Sirius turned to Lily.

"Mad-Eye is going to be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor."

"Who is Mad-Eye?" Ron asked. "Bit of a weird name…"

"Alastor Moody," Bill explained as he calmed down from his laughing fit. "He's one of the best Aurors ever known, specialising in catching Dark Wizards. He's bat shit but you'll all be safe with him around."

"Language, Bill!" Molly chastised. "Honestly. As for Alastor, as much as he gives me the heebie-jeebies, I'm glad Albus has hired him."

"Maybe but I do have a proposition," Sirius admitted. "I've been thinking that maybe it's time to move. Along with Remus's furry little problem, and his anxieties about being around muggles, not to mention the whole deal about Voldemort, and Pettigrew, and the happenings later on this year –"

"What's happening later on this year?" Lily interjected. "Aunt Minnie alluded to something as well."

"Don't interrupt, missy," Sirius scolded. Lily felt herself blush as she apologised. "As I was saying… Remus and I have been thinking that we should move to Hogsmeade for the next year. That way, if any of you need us for whatever reason, we can be there in seconds. Moody is a very capable Wizard, but I know we'd feel better being in closer proximity to Hogwarts."

"Just for the next year?"

"Well, we'll see how it goes. I'm hoping that Molly and Arthur would be able to take you to Diagon Alley to pick up your school supplies whilst Remus and I look at a place," Sirius said as he turned to the Weasley's. "The letters detailing what the students will need should have arrived by now?"

"They came soon after you all left for the World Cup, yesterday," Molly waved her wand, and a hefty collection of Hogwarts letters flew in front of their respective people. "And of course it will be no problem at all."

Hermione was frowning at her letter. "Why do we need formal dresses? We picked up dress robes not too long ago, as well. Is there going to be some sort of prom?"

"Prom?" Ginny repeated, looking confused. "What's that?"

"A muggle term for a school dance," Charlie explained. He shrugged as everyone glanced at him. "What? I don't just talk with dragons, you know."

"Aunt Minnie said she wants to join me for when I pick up mine," Lily read from her letter.

"The more, the merrier," Molly said happily. "We can go tomorrow. You all need to rest after such an eventful time."

"Mum! It was absolutely brilliant. Krum did this move called a Wronski Feint and-" Ron began, excitement all over his face. He ignored most of his siblings as they teased him for being a fanboy, bombarding his mother with details of the match and the players.

"I'll let Minerva know when you'll be in Diagon Alley," Sirius told Lily as the group began to disperse from the table. "Take my galleon pouch when you go. If you find a dress you want, have it. Don't worry about the price."


The girls clapped as Hermione did a twirl.

"You look absolutely stunning!" Parvati gasped happily. "That lavender blue suits you much better than the salmon pink."

"Don't forget to pick up some sensible shoes to match your dresses," Minerva pointed out. She seemed more tired than usual, but insisted she was okay when Lily tried to ask her. "Lily, your turn."

In one of the dressing cubicles, Lily slipped out of her clothes, trying to ignore the full-length mirror. It was easy enough to shimmy into the dress, but the bust area sagged. She stared in dismay at the area for a few moments but made herself walk out of the privacy of the cubicle and into the waiting gazes of her friends and chosen family.

Molly clapped in delight as the other girls – Padma, Parvati, Lavender and Hermione – gushed over how beautiful Lily's dress was. Lily blushed, one arm across her chest as she listened to the compliments. She didn't see Minerva make a comment to the shop keeper.

"You look wonderful," the shop keeper, Amelia, said as she came up behind Lily and untangled one of the straps. "I have something that would help you, as well." She summoned two pinkish blobs and passed them to Lily. "These attach to your bust and helps make them more shapely. Your aunt contacted me a few days prior to have these ready for you."

"Go and try them on!" Lavender insisted eagerly.

Lily blushed as she went back into the changing room, holding the gelatinous feeling blobs. It took her a few moments to figure out how to put them in, but they magically attached themselves to her, the colour changing to match her skin tone. It filled out the bust area beautifully, and Lily held a hand to her mouth as tears threatened to overwhelm her. Was this what it was like to have breasts? She lightly pressed a hand over them. They were soft but compared to her skin they felt fake. Regardless, she loved them, and how it made her look, and feel.

"Are you alright in there, Miss?" Amelia called to her. "Have you worked out how to put them in alright?"

Lily wiped at her eyes and stepped out of the cubicle again.

Everyone cheered happily and Amelia nodded in approval before passing Lily a pair of elbow length gloves that was the same colour of the dress. "There, perfect," she commented with a smile.

The front door of the store pinged, and Ginny walked in. "Mum, the twins are being annoying," she called out, before pausing at the sight of Lily in her dress. "Wow! Looking good!" She stared in envy before huffing. "It isn't fair that third years can't go… I wish I could be there in my own dress."

"Well, pick one out and try it on," Lily pointed out. "Nobody is stopping you from doing that."

"Can I, Mum?" Ginny begged. At Molly's nod, she ran over to the rail of dresses and began to ruffle through. Hermione, Padma and Parvati, all having already picked and tried on their dresses, joined her.

"How do you feel, Lily?" Minerva asked. "Do you feel good in that dress?"

"I feel so feminine," she admitted, still unable to take her eyes off the fake breasts. "I loved the dress before but now, I don't know if you'll be able to get me out of it. Did you really call up to see about these…. these things?" Lily indicated to the fake breasts.

"Of course. Amelia told me that, while it was rare to get a request, it also isn't unheard of. Some Witches feel self-conscious about the size of their breasts and so use them to increase a few cup sizes," Minerva explained. "Is the size okay for you?"

"They're perfect. They feel really secure as well." Lily smiled at her surrogate aunt. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. This is an important moment, so I had to be here to see it."

"You look very beautiful, dear," Molly said. "You'll be fighting off all the boys!"

Lily made a face before turning to her impatiently waiting friend. "Right, Lavender; you next!"

Although the group of girls had spent longer than planned in the dress store, choosing and picking their clothes with complimentary shoes and some jewellery, everyone managed to return to the Burrow by early evening. The rest of the school supplies were easily purchased by Arthur, Ron and the twins and Molly passed Lily Sirius's galleon pouch with a guilty expression.

"Don't look like that, Mrs Weasley," Lily chastised lightly. "Uncle Sirius said he would pay for everything."

"But along with Ginny's dress too –"

"From my own money," Lily pointed out. "She looked so beautiful in it."

The arrival of Remus and Sirius redirected any attempts at compromise to them and as dinner was being cooked, the Patil twins and Lavender bid their goodbyes with promises to see everyone again soon.

"Lily?" Ginny said softly while everyone was distracted. "I wanted to ask you something. Could you come with me?"

In Ginny's bedroom, she turned to Lily with an uncharacteristically stressed expression. "I wanted to ask how you deal with the nightmares. Ever since the Chamber… I don't know, I thought I was dealing with them but then the Dementors made them reappear and that disgusting Dark Mark at the World Cup… it doesn't feel like Occlumency is helping."

Lily placed a hand on Ginny's shoulder. "Uncle Sirius said that it's a hard branch of magic to learn, and that things may get worse before they get better. I'm sorry for not being more attentive, Ginny; what you went through… I can completely understand you wanting to learn Occlumency, to deal with the thoughts and dreams."

"I didn't want to say anything because you've been through so much," Ginny admitted, running a hand through her hair. "I just… I feel like I'm about to break down at any moment now, and I feel so weak. What I went through is nothing compared to you, and you're so strong that I –"

"Ginny, stop," Lily interrupted. "You aren't weak. What you went through is so traumatising, and it may even feel like you haven't been able to properly learn how to manage and deal with it all, what with those Dementors making you relive them every time they got too close. I understand that so well, and I've been a terrible friend for not even considering how you must be feeling. I'm sorry. Thank you for saying something now."

"How do you do it?" Ginny asked softly. "How do you manage to stay so strong?"

"Believe me, I'm not," Lily sighed. "The amount of times I've broken down with Uncle Sirius and Hermione is embarrassing. But Uncle Sirius always says that if we were at our best all the time, then it wouldn't be our best."

"That makes sense…"

"One of his favourite muggle shows is Star Trek, and he always says that not even the Enterprise can go at maximum warp, or it'll blow up," Lily told Ginny. "You may feel like you're doing crap but, you're holding yourself together really well. Give yourself some slack, okay? It's horrible but totally understandable for you to feel the way that you do. It doesn't make you crazy or weak or anything like it. I wish I could give you some advice for the nightmares but all I can say is that they're harmless. They're annoying, and frightening, but totally harmless; a natural response to what happened. When we get better with Occlumency, we'll be able to redirect our subconscious from them."

Ginny sighed. "That makes sense too. Thank you, Lily."

"Ginny, you're never alone. We all care about you, and you can talk to any of us about your feelings and experiences," Lily insisted gently. "None of us think you're weak. You're one of the strongest people that I know!"

"Says the girl who lived."

"Says an expert," Lily corrected with an overzealous pat on her chest. "And as an expert, I say you're incredibly strong. No arguments allowed!"

"Girls, dinner!" Remus called up the stairs. "Show us the dresses after food, and we can show you the place we found in Hogsmeade!"


Sat in the Burrow's Garden, staring up at the stars, Lily tried to ignore her underlying anxieties about returning to Hogwarts. She was hoping and praying that Madam Pomfrey had managed to find something equivalent to hormone treatment, or that some of her contacts had. It had been more than half a year since the conversation in the Hospital Wing but aside from the potions, there had been no more updates.

The worst part of the whole process, for Lily, was the waiting. She knew she was Lily, and yet some of the world would always see her as Harry, or as the Boy that lived and not the Girl that lived. She hoped that would change once she was finally in a body that represented her true self, and people would stop thinking she was a freak or that she was ill. The looks that Amos Diggory and Ludo Bagman gave her at the World Cup...

Shivering in the cold, Lily pulled a blanket tighter around her shoulders. Well, Hogwarts knew that she was female, and the important people in her life accepted her without question or doubt. She also knew that she was Lily, not Harry, and that counted for everything. The fact that she wasn't developing masculine features thanks to the daily potion that Madam Pomfrey found for her helped a lot with any dysphoria, and the enchanted necklace that Professor Flitwick done always worked its magic to keep her sounding feminine. She just wished she could have something permanent… and have something done about her genitals.

"What's on your mind, kiddo?" Sirius asked from behind Lily. She jumped and gave him a light glare.

"You nearly killed me! Don't do Voldemort's job for him, Uncle Sirius."

"Sorry, sorry. You must have been deep in thought," he said as he sat down next to her. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

Lily sighed as she cuddled up against him. "I just have lots on my mind, like hormone potions and surgery… and I'm mindful about not having any more of those visions from Voldemort. I'm also worried about a friend and wondering if we'll be able to pick up Occlumency. Then just general worry about school; I just want it to be a quiet, uneventful year for once."

"I get it. Since you started Hogwarts, I've had to be worried for you all the time. Voldemort, Quirrell, Dobby, Voldemort again, Dementors, Basilisks…" Sirius listed each drama off with a finger. "It's why Remus and I are going to be living in Hogsmeade this year."

"I'm going to miss you being the DADA teacher. You're a natural."

"We've spoken about this," Sirius reminded her gently. "With Remus still needing some help, and with what's happening this year, I didn't think I'd be the best choice. Don't worry, though. Mad-Eye is an amazing teacher, and he'll show you a lot."

Lily looked up at her uncle with a cheeky grin. "Are you sure you can't give me some sort of hint about what's happening this year?"

"You're not to tell anyone but your closest friends this, and they need to keep it to themselves; Albus wants it to be a surprise," Sirius said. Lily nodded, so Sirius continued.

"Years ago, there was an inter school champions tournament, called the Tri-Wizard cup. Three schools competed: Hogwarts, Beauxbatons from France and Durmstrang from a Scandinavian country. The tournament involved dangerous tasks, and I think about two hundred years ago, give or take, it was stopped after competitors died. But this year, they're bringing it back, although they've made a lot of changes to make it safer. No one under Seventeen is going to be able to enter, so none of you can try, thank Merlin. There's going to be some aurors and wizards there to protect the school champions, and the challenges aren't as dangerous as they once were, either." Sirius grinned down at Lily. "It's also a tradition to attend the Yule Ball, which is why you needed a dress for it."

"That sounds like a lot of fun!" Lily exclaimed, stifling a yawn. "But if it's been made safer, and won't affect me, why move closer to Hogwarts?"

"Worry, mostly." Sirius sat forward and looked Lily in the eyes. "I want you to do me two favours; one, watch out for the Durmstrang lot. Igor Karkaroff is the headmaster, and he used to be a Death Eater. I think that's why Albus got Mad-Eye out of retirement. Karkaroff teaches his students the Dark Arts, so watch out for all of them."

"And the second thing?" Lily asked, seeing the concern in his eyes.

"As much as you can, try not to be alone. Given what happened at the World Cup, I'd feel safer if you had others with you. We know that Voldemort is gaining power, but even with all the extra security due to the Tri-Wizard tournament, don't go off by yourself."

"I doubt Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender or Parvati will let me be alone, given what happened," Lily replied, with a chuckle. "Don't worry Uncle Sirius. This year's going to be a nice, simple year for me, I promise."