Don't give up the game until your heart stops beating


Shinji let go of Rei's hand to open the door. He was starting to get worried. Alright, it was more like layering on an additional layer onto a pile of worries as deep as Misato's stack of paperwork. Misato's continued absence was somewhere in the pile. Rei and Asuka were entire strata. The exact nature of the crime he'd just committed was actually not on the list. Someone else could work that out.

Asuka hadn't moved in the last fifteen minutes. Rei had refused to let go of his hand since she'd grabbed hold of it just after leaving the GeoFront. He didn't know if something new was wrong or if it was just another piece of the same nightmare.

The apartment was silent except for the hum of the struggling air conditioner.

"Asuka?"

Asuka was sitting at the kitchen table facing away from them and didn't seem to respond. Shinji barely even noticed Rei slipping an arm around him and leaning against his side.

"Asuka? What's wrong?"

There was a crash of the chair as she didn't so much stand as launch herself at them.

"You! You left..."

Rei was in front of Shinji and bracing for the impact that occurred a second later.

"... me alone with... with... For her! Again!"

Asuka reached over Rei and tried to slap Shinji, only to recoil screaming in pain.

"No. No. No. Not now. That's not fair!"

"Pilot Soryu, please refrain from physical violence."

"Pilot!? Pilot?! I thought we were friends! I might have known as soon as you'd stolen my baka you'd leave me too."

Rei simply holds Asuka, even through the ongoing tirade and increasingly loud volume in her ear, even when Asuka starts pummelling her when she can't touch Shinji without pain.

"Let go of me! Why won't you let go?! It's not like you care! Go hug your precious Shinji since you've made sure I can't!" Rei's grip is firm, but if Asuka were actually struggling to pull away she could have done so easily.

It doesn't seem to be helping calm Asuka, even if holding her friend is helping her. Pain is inconsequential. She is not sure what to do. The last time Asuka was this irrational on the same subject, slapping her had been necessary to get her attention long enough to calm her and actually listen.

"Why can't you both just leave me alone? Everyone else does!"

She cannot do that while holding her. There is only one other thing she can think of that does not involve causing Asuka further pain. She waits until Asuka pauses to take a breath and, in that brief moment, pushes herself up on her toes and kisses Asuka.

"Mrpph!"

Asuka stops flailing and is momentarily unable to yell at anyone. Disappointingly Asuka needs to breathe so the kiss doesn't last anywhere near as long as Rei would have liked. Even though the desire to continue is inappropriate to the situation at hand.

"What the hell was that Wondergirl?!"

"Rei," corrects Rei, "I believe my name is Rei."

Asuka may be distraught but she's not slow, maybe she wouldn't be spiralling so fast if she was, but there was no way she'd miss Rei's uncertainty even as her own emotions ran rampant. There is a momentary silence.

"What happened to you? Why didn't you tell me?" She glares at Shinji, "What did they do to her? You were supposed to get her back before they hurt her like they hurt you. Why won't either of you tell me what's going on?"

Rei does not respond immediately, then she turns her head and calmly asks, "Shinji, would you make some tea? I would like to sit. I am unsure how long my legs will support me."

Shinji moved past them to the kitchen to put the kettle on. At least there was something he could do. He didn't know what had happened to Asuka in the short time he was away. Or why the synchronisation had gone from too uncomfortably deep to so bad they couldn't even touch. He'd rather Asuka had actually managed to slap him than this.

He could still hear them clearly as he worked and they settled on the couch together.

"You're legs don't work properly either? What happened?!"

"I was under observation for possible mental contamination due to the negative synchronisation rate. They sedated me for my own safety. The sedative has not entirely worn off. I cannot hold your weight as well as my own for very long."

"Negative sync rate?! Mental contamination? That shouldn't be even possible. Is that why you were in my nightmare?"

"I do not know what you experienced. It seems possible they had the same cause if your nightmare involved your mother."

Asuka clung to Rei as if she was drowning. She may have been. She needed Shinji, she hated him right now but he was the only person who could help with this nightmare. Except she couldn't even touch him. Rei was better than nothing, but not enough. Nothing was enough. What was wrong with her? What was wrong with Rei that she'd still hold her after being hit and dragged into her nightmares? She didn't deserve this. Rei didn't deserve to be treated like that. Not by anyone. Especially not by her. Rei claimed not to dream, having someone else's nightmare would be more terrifying. Anger, concern and self recrimination waged a silent war for Asuka's attention. It took a while but eventually the concern won.

"Mental Contamination? Did they think you thought you were me?"

Rei shook her head, "The Eva." This was technically true, most of the staff involved were concerned about the feedback from the Eva. As far as she knew only three people knew differently. Four or perhaps five if you counted Kyoko. She briefly wondered if Yui had noticed what her son was doing. She hoped Asuka would forgive her later when she discovered it really was her mother who had tried to kill her again and take over someone who was hopefully still her friend.

"That makes no sense! Eva's don't have minds or personalities!"

"Unit 00 is temperamental. Unit 01 goes berserk to protect Shinji. Unit 02 had not previously shown any signs."

"And now it has and it's crazy! Wunderbar!"

Asuka didn't want to think about the implications. Rei did not want to explain them at this point in time. They were both too fragile for that conversation to go well.

Perhaps fortunately, Asuka's jealousy gave them something else to talk about.

"So, were you clinging to Shinji for physical or mental support? Or were you upset that he didn't grab your boob when he picked you up and that's why you had to press them against him?"

Rei was uncertain how to answer that. Asuka was being unreasonable. Shinji holding her had been helpful, but she could have stood on her own. His solid physical and metaphysical presence had been reassuring, but the mental contamination was manageable and the last traces were fading leaving nothing much more than a lingering uncertainty that she was entirely herself and an uncomfortable awareness of being incomplete. Certainly she had not been upset that Shinji had carefully avoided touching her breast. His support in lifting her had been sufficient. She also would not have minded if he had. Now that Asuka had brought it up, she added it to her list of things she wished to experience. Especially as Shinji would be much more gentle than the word "grab" implied. She wondered how different his fingers would feel than his face.

Asuka would have been getting annoyed at the lack of response, except that Rei's almost imperceptible frown while she thought was replaced by a not quite as imperceptible blush.

It was utterly adorable.

For a moment Asuka understood why Shinji seemed happy to see her and Rei together, then her possessiveness took back over. 'Mine! Mine! Mine!' Her instinct was to pull away and yell, but she wanted to watch Rei's expression while it lasted.

Neither of them had formed the next words to say when Shinji braved the silence, and the topic of conversation, and brought them tea before it went cold.

As he turned back around he noticed the light blinking on the answering machine. It couldn't be that important or Asuka would have picked up or told him about the message. Except she hadn't had chance and it might be something he needed to do something about. Asuka was sipping her tea and looking at Rei and wouldn't have been able to stop him from hitting play in time if she'd tried.

"If I ever get to see you again, I'll say the words I wasn't able to say eight years ago. Bye."

Kaji-san's voice seemed loud in the quiet apartment. His tone didn't sound that much different than other messages he'd left before going on another of his secret trips. Except it was directed at Misato, so he must not know she wasn't here. So where was Misato then? And if he was going to be gone for a while, Asuka would be annoyed and perhaps sulking, and complaining he wasn't answering her calls. Not as still as Rei...

He turned back around. Rei was holding two cups of tea in one outstretched hand and had her other arm wrapped around Asuka. He shouldn't have been trying to listen to the tone, Kaji-san would joke about serious things and be serious about ordinary things. He was clearer than Asuka, but that wasn't exactly saying much. Shinji tried to parse the words, "If I ever..." not "When I..." Kaji-san never expected to have to keep his promise. Had he really never told Misato what he felt? Unlike himself, Kaji-san knew what that was. That a man like Kaji could be as cowardly as he was was unsettling.

He took the cups from Rei before she ended up dropping them. He could always make more tea.

"Dummer, dummer Kaji. Warum musstest du an mir sterben? Wer wird mich jetzt kiddo nennen? Woher bekomme ich meine kopfpats?"

That Asuka had reverted to german, and that did not sound like swearing or anger. Baka Shinji. He understood why Asuka hated the context sensitivity of Japanese both the language and they way people spoke around what they meant. Maybe in german Kaji-san could have just said "Sorry, I'll be dead by the time you hear this. I love you. Goodbye." Would that have been harder to hear?

Shinji had even less idea what to do for Asuka now. At least Rei was there.


"I'm home" Misato called into the silent apartment. It was late. Perhaps the kids were already in bed. After nearly two weeks in solitary she no doubt had a lot to catch up on, but no one had forced her into her office or home at gunpoint so it could certainly wait until morning. Maybe there were leftovers in the fridge that she could scavenge until she could get Shinji to make her real food. At least there would be a beer or two, PenPen couldn't have drunk them all and Asuka's face when she'd tried a sip meant they were safe from any underage drinking.

The lights were on though, and the children knew better than to leave them on all night. So someone was up.

Whatever she had been expecting, it was not what she saw when she turned the corner.

Shinji was sitting at the table nursing a cup of tea that had long since gone cold, looking at the couch with a lost, haunted look on his face. The couch which contained someone with bright blue hair. What was Rei doing here so late? Apparently what Rei was doing was holding a tear-stained Asuka who was curled up in her lap. Asuka didn't cry, except in her sleep when she was younger, certainly not where anyone could see her. Rei looked up at her, her hair pinned back exposing her red eyes, making her stare even more penetrating than usual.

What the hell had happened while she was away?

"Welcome home Misato." Shinji said into the silence. "Sit down and I'll make you something to eat. Then I'll explain. I'm sorry, it will be leftovers."

Misato wanted to demand to know what was going on immediately, but Shinji had sounded firm. Shinji had sounded firm.

She watched Shinji as he dug something out of the fridge and put it into the microwave to warm. Then Shinji, who pushed her away whenever she tried to hug him, came over and hugged her fiercely but silently until the microwave pinged. Putting the food and a cold beer in front of her he went to make a fresh cup of tea while she ate.

He watched her eat and sipped his tea.

"Are you going to explain now?" Misato tried to keep the annoyance out of her voice but wasn't entirely successful.

Rather than answering, Shinji looked over at Rei and Asuka, "Rei, you are not going home. You can sleep in my room. The sheets are clean and it will be more comfortable than the couch."

He pauses for a moment, "Asuka, can you find something for Rei to sleep in? I'll be in once I've talked to Misato, if you'd rather stay there with Rei rather than hear this again. I'll fill you in when I come to bed if you're still awake."

Rei nodded and stood up, lifting Asuka in her arms and carrying her out of the room. Asuka put up a feeble protest at being carried before resting her head on Rei's shoulder. Misato watched them go. Just a few words from Shinji had opened a large number of questions all by themself.

Misato blinked, "I assume there is a good explanation as to why you have apparently moved in with Asuka and are giving Rei your bed."

Shinji blushed brightly, "I'm sorry Misato. There is. You know some of it. There's something more important you have to hear first."

"I am so very sorry this is what you have returned home to," and he got up and hit play on the answering machine. Then he returned to her side while she listened to Kaji's voice.

"Oh, you goddammed idiot Kaji". Shinji sat with her while she ranted and raved about Kaji, passed her the beers PenPen brought over, held her while she cried and eventually helped her to bed.


Asuka wasn't awake when he finally got to bed. He'd felt her tugging him down into sleep, but a drunk grieving Misato had been enough to keep him awake. He'd had to deal with a drunk Misato before, but not like this. It was easier to cope with than an also grieving Asuka, who he couldn't even touch if she'd let him and who'd also lost the man she wanted. At least she'd had the courage to tell him that, however inappropriate their age difference was.

He sat on the edge of the bed away from Asuka to take his socks off. He didn't want to risk waking her, or hurting her by accidentally touching her before he was asleep himself. At least he could feel Asuka's slow breathing gradually pulling him down into sleep, unlike last night.

So he was totally unprepared when a familiar pair of arms wrapped around his waist and a sleep slurred voice murmured "mine" in his ear. He was even less prepared for the hands attached to those arms to tug his t-shirt up and over his head and then pull him over to the middle of the bed. He wasn't sure if she was actually still asleep or not, he was fairly sure she'd sleepwalked into his bed before, but she was strong and insistent either way. As soon as he was curled around her back, she pulled on his hand until she held it over her own heart.

"mine," she whispered as she pulled them back down into a deep sleep.


She was lying on top of him with his hands on her back under her top when they woke in the middle of the night. At this rate if they were going to be needing to touch each other's skin like this they might as well sleep naked. Whatever her subconscious thought, she wasn't ready for that. When had it become 'not ready' rather than 'never letting the pervert touch me'? Maybe just with both of them topless, she didn't want him to get ideas or to feel that actually touching her. 'Yes you do' whispered the part of her brain that needed to know, that wanted him to want her even if she didn't want him. She didn't know if he felt the same need to touch her as she did to have him do so. She'd have to ask. Which would mean talking to him and not just lying there being held and watching his face. He didn't look as peaceful as he had the night before, but neither of them seemed to have woken from a nightmare.

She felt him start to move his hands before his eyes started to open.

"Don't you dare let go of me," she whispered and he stopped.

"What are you thinking about?" Maybe half asleep he'd tell her he wanted to touch her, even if it came with an apology for doing so and she wouldn't have to work out how to ask.

"You're not allowed to marry anyone else," he asserted firmly but sleepily.

Asuka pokes him in the ribs, "What did you just say?"

"Huh? What? What's wrong? Why are you waking me up?" Shinji goes from mostly asleep to wide awake and starting to panic.

"Calm down baka. Nothing new is wrong, except you apparently insisting on marrying me before we've even gone on a date."

Shinji blinks and wishes he could rub his eyes, but he's not risking moving his hands with Asuka glaring at him.

"Sorry. Really weird dream."

Asuka lay back down on him, she'd rather roll over, but that would mean having him let go and she didn't want that right now.

"Want to tell me about this dream where you wanting to marry the Great Asuka is really weird?"

Shinji really didn't, but it was Asuka asking so he probably wasn't going to get any more sleep until he did.

"It was one of those big fancy western weddings you see in TV shows. You were smiling and beautiful of course, but you weren't happy. I'd know. I didn't know the person you were marrying but they were perfect for you, why would anything be wrong? But no one would believe me there was something wrong. I didn't know how to explain it. No one would listen. So I did the only thing I could think of. The thing I always do. I went and got Rei.

When I found her, she was standing there half naked sewing herself into a wedding dress so that it fit perfectly. You know that dress she wore for your date? As if she'd looked at that and decided the only way to make something fit better was to make it around herself. Then we went back to the wedding and arrived just as they got to that 'does anyone have any objections?' bit they always have. I don't know if that's real or if it's just there for the drama.

Anyway, I pushed Rei forward and said, "Here's my objection. You can't marry anyone else."

Then you prodded me in the ribs and I didn't get to find out if you actually married Rei or not"

Asuka snorted in amusement, "Alright, I'll give you weird. What kind of boy dreams about the girl he's sleeping with getting married, but not to him, goes to the girl he's about to go on a date with, finds her half naked and responds by taking her to the first girl so they can get married?" She doesn't mention the 'beautiful, of course' or the 'I'd know' or even the 'always get Rei', she doesn't even object to him calling her training session with Rei a date.

"One who wants the people he cares about to be happy?" responds Shinji because he's not entirely in control of what he says even after embarrassing himself trying to explain the dream.

"And you don't think anyone cares enough about you to want you to be happy?"

She knew the answer to that question, she didn't need to hear it. She just couldn't quite manage to say what she meant. What she needed to say. Hikari was right, she may as well have been in Germany for all the good it did. Later she would come up with all sorts of reasons why she did what she did next. Many of them might even have been true.

He'd just started to open his mouth to respond when she kissed him.

It wasn't like their previous kiss. It was soft and gentle and as much give as it was take. Last time he had provoked her. This time she had no one to blame but herself. And perhaps Rei, who was supposed to be the person her baka kissed next.

She rested her head back on his shoulder, "go back to sleep now, I want to know what happens next."


Rei had done all the thinking necessary for the situation and was simply experiencing.

The soft clean sheets that Shinji had washed for his own bed and not used because Asuka needed him were wrapped around her against her skin. The scent of Shinji and the much fainter scent of Asuka embedded in the pillow under her head. The awareness of her friends kissing softly a few feet away.

When they stopped she followed them down into sleep, a new shape to the faint smile on her face.


Asuka was half awake when Shinji sat down on the bed next to her. Except that was wrong, she could feel him moving around the kitchen making breakfast.

He lay down next to her and rested his head right on her boob, 'what the hell Shinji', then her brain partially engaged and she realised that it was a distinctly un-Shinji shaped form lying against her. She hoped so anyway, Shinji sprouting breasts overnight would be weird even for their lives. She opened her eyes.

"Rei?"

"Correct."

"What are you doing?"

"Cuddling."

"Why?"

"I wanted to."

There was a pause, "Do you wish me to stop?"

'Yes! No!' Rei was on her bed. Where Shinji was supposed to be. Because she wanted to be. This was too confusing. And comfortable.

Her 'what would Rei do?' guide was utterly useless here. Firstly it hadn't contained anything about this situation. Second, what Rei was doing was rather obvious. At least she was still wearing the long t-shirt she'd worn to bed. 'What would Shinji do?' wasn't much help either. He'd do whatever Rei asked of him. But for once Rei hadn't actually asked.

She carefully put an arm around Rei. She was just getting her morning hug early. That was it.


Shinji puts fresh coffee in front of Misato as she sits down. Asuka is in the bathroom as soon as Misato vacated it. Rei had retreated back to Shinji's room once Misato had gotten up.

"Coffee? Ah, that smells good. Was there no beer left? I can't have drunk it all last night, my hangover would be much worse and my bladder would have burst."

Shinji has had plenty of time to think of what to say to Misato when she returns, and far more than he wanted last night after she had. It had taken a long time for Asuka to manage to go back to sleep. That she'd slept through all of her nightmares had been an indication of how exhausted she was. That she hadn't even noticed the new scratches she'd added to his shoulder was an indication of how bad they had been. The remaining pain made him wonder if he'd dreamed her kissing him in the middle of the night. That wouldn't even be the weirdest thing he'd dreamed. He wasn't going to ask to check.

Shinji picks up his cup of tea, "Sorry. Half of what you had last night was non-alcoholic."

He glances towards the bathroom door, not that he needs to of course, Asuka has just started brushing her teeth, he's got a few minutes for the things he's not ready for her to overhear.

"You remember what I told you the first time you found her in my bed?"

Misato is glad she has coffee, but is already wondering if she's too sober for this. She nods.

"Eight times, that I know of, the night before she asked me to sleep next to her. The night before you came home was worse. "

Misato's eyes widen, Asuka doesn't ask for things like that, she barely asks for anything. Did that explain this strange boy before her who looked like Shinji? At least he didn't currently sound as disturbingly like his father as he had that night, just unusually calm and serious.

"So to answer your question, no I haven't moved, it's still her room, but it's been every night this week and most nights since she first asked. I'm not sure either of us can sleep alone anymore, she hasn't had a sleep over with Hikari since I returned and Rei always goes home unless ordered not to, so right now I'm the only way she gets a full night's sleep. And you know what she's like when she doesn't."

"And do you get any sleep, lying next to a pretty girl all night?" teases Misato.

Shinji blushes but ignores Misato's insinuations, he's still no idea what's going on between them, but it's not that.

"More than I do when her nightmares wake me in the other room." He leaves out how it wakes him and that he never has to even hear her to wake, but he's heard more than he'd ever tell Misato. He changes the subject before Misato can pry further, Asuka will be finished shortly.

"Rei is here because I'm the Ikari who signed her release from hospital."

This was technically true, and the part that made him responsible for Rei, which was what was immediately relevant. How he'd gotten her to the point where he could do so was no doubt in a report somewhere on Misato's desk. He would be apologising about that later. Why he'd gotten her was going to be a much longer and even more uncomfortable conversation he'd rather not have. Why he didn't want her to leave was probably a pointless conversation to even try having.

"Eventually someone is going to notice that it was me not the Commander. The only people who'll probably care are him and Dr Akagi. I don't care what my father thinks about it, and Akagi is too occupied by Unit 02 trying to eat Rei's mind to pay attention."

Misato is starting to wonder if Shinji spiked her coffee with something stronger than alcohol.

"Oh, and one of the air conditioners died. We need you to sign the maintenance request as apparently we don't live here."

Asuka emerges from the bathroom and makes a left turn into Rei's arms.

Shinji rubs the back of his head, suddenly looking far more like the boy Misato remembers, "I think you probably know about that already."

"Anyway, that's the immediate things. We can talk more after breakfast."

With that he gets up and returns with four plates, arranging them so that Rei is between himself and Asuka. The last thing he needed was to unexpectedly fall out of sync again and have to explain the results of an accidental touch to Misato as well. They'd managed to avoid that so far, today wasn't the day to start.

By the time they are finished eating, Misato has so many more questions than she had when she woke up.

Which she's about to insist on having answers to when four devices go off simultaneously.

Misato is going to have to wait a while for her answers, a very long while for some of them.