Christmas Day 2023 Part II
In Ohio, Christmas Day at Dalton had started early. For Seth, waking up in the downstairs bedroom at the Carmichaels' house, it felt quite like old times. True, those four Christmas Days he had spent at the school he had woken up in his dorm room, but it had always then ended up with a meal round the table in the Principal's house. This year, that tradition would continue for those boys unable to get home, but in the home of Principal Lefevre; she would be joined by two young men, both of whom had parents that lived in Southeast Asia, and the lengthy flight there and back was just too much for a few days. This would actually be the first time in a few years that she had hosted the meal, the task usually being taken by Jeff's cousin Dylan; he and his wife had recently been blessed with a second child, and the task of looking after them and hosting the meal had been a little too much… Thad had offered to be the host, but Principal Lefevre had refused to let him do so, knowing full well that his mind would be elsewhere.
Seth lay for a while in the comfortable bed, which was one of the adjustable variety; at the touch of a button he could raise himself up into a seated position, or raise his legs up. He had tested it naturally, but warily; he had not wished to find both parts of the bed raising at once, leaving him wedged in a V-shaped area in-between… his thoughts were suddenly disturbed by a sound, and he realised that it was Mrs Carmichael, and that she had to be in the kitchen, probably making her morning cup of tea. He suddenly realised that he was rather thirsty, and that he wanted to chat with her quietly. After all, of all the people that he knew, she was the one who understood his situation best, having watched her own brother deteriorate, just as he was doing now. He carefully pressed the button to raise the head of the bed, saving himself from having to push himself into an upright position. As he did so, part of him wished that he had a bed like this at home. Then his head replied that it was quite an investment, and who knew how long he would be around to take advantage of it…
By the time that he had put on a dressing gown and then carefully wheeled himself to the kitchen, his hostess had made her tea, and was now sitting quietly at the kitchen table with a cup, a photograph album open in front of her. Seth paused on the threshold, not wishing to interrupt what looked like a private moment, and was about to retreat when she looked up and saw him. "Good morning Seth! You are up early for Christmas morning. You used to be well after 9am when you were a pupil here, and it is barely 7am now."
"I am always up early these days, if I am honest. I just wanted to grab a drink, and then I will go and leave you in peace."
"No, you will come and join me; I insist. I can pour you a cup of tea if you would like?"
Seth nodded, and wheeled himself towards the table as his hostess got up to fetch another cup. The first thing he saw as he got there was the photo album; it was open at a picture of a young man that he recognised at once as Jamie, the Carmichaels' late son, whose face was seen in several pictures in the living room. On the page across from it though was a picture of another young man that he did not recognise, although there were a few similarities to Jamie. Then he realised that the young man in question was sitting in a chair not too dissimilar to his own…
"My brother James," said Mrs Carmichael, making Seth jump as she had returned noiselessly. "I tend to find both of them on my thoughts a lot at this time of year, but I know that they are both in a better place, either at rest, or having a good new life with a couple of kids…" She stopped suddenly, conscious that she had said a little too much. Seth had to admit that he was a little puzzled and wondered exactly what she meant by that last statement…
Edith Carmichael was not the kind of woman that usually let a secret slip, but the emotions that always built up for her around Christmas, the season when both her brother and son had passed away, were intensified this year by the presence of Seth; she was watching a part of her history repeating all over again. Having lost her son whilst he was still in his teens, the boys that passed through the doors of Dalton Academy had started to take his place in her heart. She had them for four short years, and she admitted that she developed her favourites amongst them, boys that would have a permanent place in her heart. Wes had been one of them, Thad another, and because of his family situation, Seth had taken a spot too.
He had been such an energetic young man, talented with his hands, always building or designing something; to see him now, confined to a chair, those hands now struggling with the most basic of tasks, like holding a cup so he could drink… well, it just wasn't right. Thinking back, her brother had been just as vital and talented in his own field. He had no equal in her eyes, from his skill at the piano, to his love for the outdoors. He had been an inspiration to her, a bookish girl. It had fallen to her to nurse him in his final months; it was a task from which she did not shirk, even though watching him had been too painful for words at times…
When the end finally came, she had felt guilty at the relief that she felt as she was able to resume her own life, but comforted herself that her brother was no longer suffering and in pain. Then just over a year after her brother passed, Jamie had come along, named after the uncle he would never know. He too had been such a strong child, so intelligent and kind… Losing him too to an illness in his senior year of school would have sent a lesser woman mad, but she had managed to find her way through it. Then Wes had died, and her heart was broken a little more, but she recovered. Now she was faced with watching the long, drawn out demise of Seth, and she wasn't entirely sure that his demise would not shatter her…
As she stood in silence, Seth had been studying the photos in the album again. That look was long enough that he suddenly saw it. Jamie Carmichael's face was set in a broad smile, a moment of joy captured for posterity. That smile was almost the same as… and he had two children. Thinking back, Dylan had been welcomed to the staff at Dalton Academy with a great deal of warmth, especially from Mrs Carmichael. Could she think, or even know…? Seth put those thoughts to one side almost at once, as it was not the kind of topic that could easily be broached in run of the mill conversation. Maybe one day someone would tell him if what he was thinking now was true; that in some twist of fate, the soul of Jamie Carmichael had ended up in the body of Jeff's cousin Dylan…
"I think that today might be one of my better days," he said, breaking the awkward silence. "My hands aren't aching, nor is their any pain in my good leg. Of course, the day that I ended up collapsing at work started like this too; better even, to the extent that I was able to build a model for the class. Maybe I ought to see the very good days as a portent that doom might be coming…"
"Not all of the time," replied Mrs Carmichael, finally sitting down. "True, when James, my brother, had his worst episodes, his day had usually started well, but for every day like that, there were a dozen when nothing untoward happened. You have to have hope, faith that the future will bring good things, not just bad. I know that sometimes that will be difficult, but you have to try."
"Oh, but I do, and that is helped by the fact that I know where I am going to end up when all of this is over. I never really believed in any of that stuff until we all saw Blaine and Kurt at Nick and Jeff's wedding, and then when Wes joined them… This frail human body is just a shell when you really think about it, and eventually I will leave it behind and become whole once more. All that I am facing is a test of my strength, and I think I am passing at the moment. In any case, it is not myself that I worry for; it is those that I will leave behind that concern me…"
At that point they both heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs, meaning that Aaron Carmichael was on his way down. Edith picked up the photo album, and with one last loving glance at the two photos, closed it and stowed it back in its place in the dresser drawer. Seth meanwhile plastered a smile on his face, and entered into the spirit of the day, wishing his former Principal a Merry Christmas the moment that he walked into the room. His wished were returned, and the celebrations began. There was a hearty breakfast, and then an exchange of gifts, which saw Seth being scolded for spending far too much. It would not be the last time that such sentiments were expressed to him that day, with Skylar being the most emotional, as he grasped the reasoning behind the spending…
When Thad arrived, he did not chastise Seth for the gift he had been given, knowing that to do so would be pointless. They sat down for lunch at 1pm, and the meal was eaten slowly, savoured properly rather than rushed. To the delight of both Thad and Seth, the dessert was the legendary caramel apple pudding, that most loved and sacred of Dalton dishes. It was as Seth started on his second mouthful that he felt it. His mouth had seemed a little strange earlier as he had been eating the main course, but now the feeling had intensified. It was as if suddenly his saliva had turned from liquid into syrup. He felt as if he was about to choke, his throat constricting. He managed to swallow the mouthful of pudding with difficulty, then reached for his water glass. As he drank, he began to cough, something that only one of the others at the table noticed. What struck Seth was the sudden, haunted look that came across Edith Carmichael's face…
He himself thought nothing of it, and started on his dessert once more. However, after another two spoonfuls, the sensation returned, and he once again had to reach for his glass and drink. When it happened the third time, that was when he started to worry about it himself. Was this the prelude to another attack, a warning that he was about to be left in pain once more? He hoped not, and he tried to recall if he had experienced the same sensation before any of his previous attacks. He had not, but it suddenly hit him that he had felt the same thing, albeit much milder, when he had been eating on a couple of occasions since the month began. He realised that it would look odd if he did not finish his meal, and so he returned to his food, and with a great deal of effort he managed to clear his plate. He did so as Thad was well through his second helping, having used the old "It's Christmas!" excuse to justify it; one that would be used to justify overindulgence by countless others on that particular day…
He declined the offer of another helping himself, using the excuse that he was not sure that his chair could bear the extra weight. With the meal now over, Seth offered to help take the used plates through to the kitchen; Mrs Carmichael declined at first, but then he won the argument by pointing out that he could take more in his lap than she could carry, and then the dishwasher was at his level, so it would save her bending down. She came with him, and he was glad of that, as he wanted to speak to her on her own once more…
"You seemed to be struggling to eat your dessert, which is not like you," she began as soon as they reached the kitchen.
"It was a big meal, and I was feeling a little full," Seth answered.
"Or it was your mouth that felt full; suddenly your saliva just felt too thick. Am I right?" Seth looked at her, and felt cold, knowing what was coming. He nodded in reply, and she sighed. "James had the same problem. He said that it suddenly felt as if his mouth was full of glue; that there was something caught in the back of his throat, and no matter what he tried, nothing could clear it. It is one of the more unusual side effects of MND they tell me. In the end…"
She stopped, her voice breaking, but Seth finished her sentence off inside his head. In the end, his throat would constrict all the time, making it harder and harder to swallow. Eventually they would have to insert a tube through which he would be fed, and even the very act of breathing, vital to keeping alive, would become hard. He looked away from her, and started to stack the plates in the dishwasher, keeping his head down as he felt tears welling up. He knew that as soon as he got back to New York, he would have to call Ollie; he was not doing it today. It was his doctor's first Christmas with his son after all…
Thad had already called his brother from his own apartment earlier in the day. He had made a video call, so that he could see his namesake and how he was doing. He had managed to stay cool and collected, not wanting the feelings that he was having dampen the joy of the new parents. He was just an uncle after all, not blessed with the right to say too much. His 'nephew' was growing fast, and was already trying to crawl about and explore. He had sent gifts naturally; clothes that he would quickly grow out of, a box full of old fashioned wooden building blocks that he could grow into…
In the back of his mind as he chatted, there was still that alternative picture. The other life in which he was sharing an apartment with his husband, probably somewhere like Hell's Kitchen, enjoying the holiday and their son's first Christmas together. He would not have changed a single thing about his decision a year ago for the world, but that didn't mean that he could not be jealous. He put it all out of his mind, and after his talk with his brother and sister-in-law, he made calls to other friends he missed. He spent the longest talking to David naturally, the proud father of two, and suddenly felt no envy for the parents of the world. His friend's mention of another sleepless night and the bags under his eyes made him re-examine the whole parenting thing altogether….
With dinner over, those at the Carmichael residence sat down to watch a film, but not before they tuned in to the Queen's Speech on the Royal Channel at a prompt from Nick. They all smiled at the sight of Jeff, and Seth quipped that she and Jeff needed to co-ordinate their diaries for 2024 to make it a hat-trick for the blond… Then they settled down and watched It's a Wonderful Life, followed by Meet Me in St Louis, one of Edith Carmichael's favourite films. Thad and Seth sang along to The Trolley Song, much to the amusement of the two Carmichaels, particularly as Thad had leapt up to grab hold of Seth's chair as if it was the streetcar in question…
After that, and a light snack, Thad had headed for home, as he had a guest of his own due. He was barely in the door when he felt the draught indicating that Wes had arrived, but he still had time to grab the sprig of mistletoe he had placed on the dresser and hold it above his head, so that his husband was obligated to kiss him, not that he wouldn't have done anyway…
Later, as they sat on the sofa, Thad said, "It has been a strange day, Wessie… I will admit to being jealous as I watched Ollie and Michelle with little Thad, and then of course, there was Seth… I am 99% certain that he and Mrs Carmichael know something that they are not telling me…"
"Maybe there is something, my little one, but maybe our boy has only just realised the significance of it himself. He will tell you when he is ready, and all you can do is wait. And yes, I admit that I felt jealous of Michelle and Ollie too. However, there is one twist to the tale there you do not know. I went to see Michelle, and when I arrived, Ollie felt the draught; he felt it again as I shifted my wings, and he remarked on it to my cousin. I'm not reading too much into it yet, but if we can get him to properly believe in the existence of angels, there is just a chance that your brother might start to see and hear me…"
Thad smiled, but then cautioned, "That might be a hard sell, Wessie. I was always the rebel of the family, the black sheep, but even I have to admit that when Kurt and Blaine showed up that night, I thought it was a strange hallucination. Had I not been surrounded by people that believed in what they were seeing, I would have struggled with accepting it all. Dad, as well as being an obsessive control freak who wants his children to be nothing but clones of him, is a confirmed atheist, with scorn for all religions and their adherents. Mom was the same, everything was centred on science. He even had a note put into my file when I came to Dalton that I was strictly forbidden to be exposed to any sort of religious instruction; I have seen it, thanks to my access to the office…"
Thad laughed then, and carried on, "Surprisingly, for a man with such an abhorrence of religion, he was able to provide a pretty comprehensive list of what I was not to be exposed to, some of which I had never even heard of, like Druze, Mandaeism, and the Prince Philip Movement. I think that about the only one he missed out was the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence…"
Thad stopped as Wes snorted, and then the two of them laughed out loud and long. "Now that is something we are never likely to experience, even at Dalton," said Wes when he managed to stop laughing.
"True, but I am tempted to send my father a letter one of these days to tell him I am moving to San Francisco to join them, as Sister Thadulosa Hardwood…"
Ten minutes later, when Wes could finally keep a straight face and stop laughing at the idea, the two of them composed themselves enough to sit and watch a film. Fortunately, Wes knew his husband and his sense of humour well enough to be able to stay composed when his choice was Sister Act…
Later, as they snuggled on the sofa, their conversation turned to Seth. "I had a horrible feeling today that this could be his last Christmas. It is so unfair; he is no age at all, and to lose him now…"
Wes sighed, then said, "You know that even if I had been informed of anything, which I haven't been, I could not tell you what his future holds. He is getting worse, that much I can say without fear of being inaccurate. Mrs Carmichael spotted something new today, yet another symptom of his condition, one which comes in the latter stages…" Wes suddenly fell silent, cursing himself inwardly for using the 'l' word.
"It's okay Wes," said Thad quietly. "I am not reading anything into that. Do you think that he will tell me, or will I have to wait and quiz Ollie?"
"I suspect the latter, because he will not want to upset you with the news before you drive him back to New York… Okay, so I will tell you. He is developing what is called Xerostomia, or Dry Mouth Syndrome. His saliva is becoming thick and hard to clear, and drinking more can only help so much. Eventually, the combination of thick saliva and stringy mucus… well, it could affect his breathing, and make it harder for him to avoid choking…"
Thad sat silently for a moment, then said, "So feeding tubes and possibly a ventilator… We cannot let Skylar find any of this out yet, because I think he would literally freak out. I guess that when I was reading up on everything I stopped at the most common side effects; I should have read on through the articles to anticipate the worst. I mean, the chair I expected, but this… I do not want to imagine him hooked up to a machine half the time. Even knowing it is coming does not make it easy to swallow."
"I know, my little one, but if there is anyone that can hold it all together with this knowledge, it is you. Now, time is moving on, and I can still see that mistletoe. Angels are allowed to kiss their spouses as often as they like at Christmas, so shall we make the most of the last half hour of Christmas Day…."
By the time that he woke up the next morning, Thad had returned to his normal self. He had watched as Seth was collected by Skylar, and driven off for the day; that let him go and check on Mrs Carmichael. He found her sat in silence in her armchair, her husband off elsewhere. All he had to do was utter the words, "Wes told me what you saw yesterday…" and she burst into tears. Thad stayed with her for most of the day, and she told him much more about her brother than he had known up until that point. He could see that the fact that it was all happening again in front of her was bringing back all the bad memories from the past, the things that she had kept hidden away. He knew that he had to step up and be there for her, because she had been there for all of them for so long. In some ways, she was more of a mother to him than his own had ever been….
She had tried to decline his offer, knowing that he was already Seth's confident, and Skylar's shoulder to cry on, and the Head Warbler to boot, but he refused to back down. "Most of the boys are now settled and comfortable with the Dalton ethos and the ways of the school, so you need not worry about them. If it all does get too much, then I will ask David to take some of the strain, or Trent for that matter."
"Just promise me that you will take proper care of yourself too. You have your own life to lead, and a nephew to get to know and spoil as well."
Thad nodded, then replied, "Actually, I am going to try and not spoil him. The last thing that Ollie needs is me showing up periodically, bearing gifts and potentially undermining him. No, I will be around, but I am not going to go out of my way to visit all the time. That would not be fair on anyone…"
When he eventually headed home again, it was to find Wes waiting for him. He could tell from the look on his face that he was wanting to talk to him, so he settled down on the sofa and waited. "I heard what you said to Mrs Carmichael earlier about not spoiling your namesake. I understand your reasoning, but there is a problem with it. If you don't go to visit often enough, and make excuses as to why you can't come more often, then I am quite certain that your brother will put two and two together and, as he is pretty smart, come up with four in no time. You can't just show up for birthday and Christmas, not when he knows that you are visiting New York on a fairly regular basis for all of your many reasons. You have to go more often, even if it hurts, because if you don't, and Ollie works out why, then you risk losing the one member of your family you have left. I am also guessing that you will not be buying him much when you see him in a few days?"
"Well, no, but that is because Ollie and I both agreed that at less than 3 months old, Christmas is not really a concept that my nephew will understand; the same goes for gifts. I have put a bit of money away in a bank account instead for when he gets to the right age to appreciate things, and there might be a few soft toys and the like," replied Thad.
Wes nodded, then said, "I know that this is going to be tough for you, my little one, and I am sorry that I will not be able to stand at your side the entire time you are there. I still say that what you did was the greatest thing any man could do for his brother, and you should be so proud of yourself for it."
"Well, the one thing that I can say for certain is that little Thad is going to be an only child, although I guess that strictly isn't true," mused Thad. "I mean, he does technically have a half-brother, not that either of them will find that out for a very long time, if indeed, ever. Neither Ollie or Nick need to deal with that revelation at this stage…"
