A/N: Ahahahaha. Ahahahahahahaha!

.

General

Yahiko did not ask Nagato for the keys; he secretly swiped them. He and Obito took off in silence. They went to the ice cream place. They ordered ice cream sundaes: neapolitan for Yahiko, mint chocolate chip for Obito. They both waited a few minutes to let their ice creams get soft.

"Who was Rin?" Yahiko asked.

"My first girlfriend. She…isn't around anymore."

"I'm so sorry."

"And it's my fault."

"How could it possibly be your fault?"

Obito gave his ice cream a stir. "She wanted to be closer to me, so she slept over at my house, and my father…he…" Obito let his spoon fall against the side of the bowl. He looked up. "She was there because of me. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm surrounded by people who do. Anyone who gets too close to me is in danger. You're the only person I've really…since Rin, and I'm scared. I don't want…"

Yahiko was flabbergasted. Wait, those articles I read about Dissociative Identity Disorder said that alters probably form in order to protect the original person. Why would Obito develop an alter that imitates someone who hurt him? Something is wrong. He reached forward and held Obito's hand. "I'm not a young kid, and I know what I'm walking into. It'll be different." Obito shook his head slowly. Yahiko let go and turned away, urging Obito to eat his ice cream. Both of their bowls were soft.

Some time later: "I'm done."

Yahiko turned back around and tipped the bowl up to drain the last of his ice cream. Then he stacked both of their bowls for easy cleanup. "Do you have any money? I brought enough to pay for everything, but if you want to split -"

"I'll cover it." Obito's voice was hardly more than a whisper.

After paying, they left the shop and stood outside. Neither of them felt like getting into the car and driving away. Yahiko gestured forward and started walking. Obito followed.

The town at night seemed to seethe with invisible energies. Although the very last traces of sunset could still be seen, the dark and quiet already felt tangible, as if darkness and silence were forces in their own right. It was difficult to oppose them. Conversation was nonexistent until the two humans passed a place Yahiko recognized. It was closed, but the sheer fact that he recognized it gave him strength. He said, "My father never hurt anyone physically, but he was hurtful in his own way. He said things, things that have kept playing in my head ever since. For a long time, I've acted like he was still around, because I just couldn't get those things out of my head."

"What sorts of things?" Obito asked.

"Faces he made, disapproving silences, telling me to man up. That I shouldn't try on my sister's clothes or play with her toys. That it was wrong, and nobody would ever accept me."

"Yahiko… Zetsu told me some things they learned about, um… About, uh, gender? Are…"

"I don't know. I like transforming into different forms. That's all I know."

"Oh."

They were both extremely embarrassed. Talking about past trauma was much more comfortable than talking about present feelings. "I just wanted to say that I've been there, with not being able to escape someone's influence even after they're gone," Yahiko muttered.

Obito sat on a nearby curb and wrapped his arms around his knees. "I'm sorry."

It wasn't a sympathetic apology. Something in Obito's voice told Yahiko he was apologizing for a sin he believed he'd committed. Yahiko sat next to him. "Hey. It's alright."

"No, it's not."

"I meant you're alright. Your situation might not be, but you've got this."

"I'm a split personality," Obito said scornfully. "What me do you think is alright? Who are you even talking to?"

"Who are you even talking to?"

Obito glanced at Yahiko. Yahiko had such a brave look on his face. He seemed ready to get on a horse and play the part of a heroic knight, riding off to rescue the damsel. But then, in the blink of an eye, the brave look disappeared. Yahiko made some hand signs. There was a puff of displaced air, and then he was in his female form. She pushed her hair aside shyly. Now she was the damsel. First the rescuer, then the one needing rescue. Who sat at Obito's side and what were they capable of?

Maybe it's the opposite of what I always thought. I thought I was unreliable, constantly changing, unpredictable. But maybe I'm the only person who isn't. Everybody has to play different roles in their life, and people who aren't me have to play all of the roles by themselves. They're the ones who change. But me, I have other personalities to play other roles for me. I don't change. Every time I come out, I always act the same exact way. I'm the least changing, most predictable person around.

"How do you do that?" he asked. "How do you change who and what you are without alters?"

Yahiko shrugged. "It feels like I have different parts of me. They disagree on specific details, but they usually agree on the important things. Like now - a few minutes ago, I was trying to help you and be there for you, and right now I'm still trying to do that. I might act differently, but I have the same goal." She looked at Obito. "I believe everyone's like that. I have to believe everyone's like that. I have to believe that somehow, Madara's trying to help you. You and him share a life. You have to have the same goals. It doesn't make any sense otherwise."

Obito shook his head. "I don't want to hurt people. I didn't want to get Rin killed, and I don't want to get you killed. My goal is to stop that from happening. It can't be the same."

"Madara seems to genuinely believe that I am a threat to you."

"I don't care!" Obito shot to his feet. He was surprised to find himself acting angry. Since when was he capable of being angry? "I… I've always been the same. I still sound like I did when I was twelve years old. Maybe you are dangerous, to the me that I've always been, but I don't want to… To always… To never…"

Yahiko hugged him from behind. "I know. I understand."

"Promise you won't let me lose my whole entire mind."

"I will not let you lose your whole entire mind." She tightened her embrace. Obito believed her.

Konan

Reading to the dolls kept everyone preoccupied, distracted. Konan realized it when she went to bed the night before the planned battles. Now that she did not have to think about relations with the vampires (which turned out to be stable, thank goodness), nor disciplining Original Hidan, nor creating new reading clones, nor helping Yahiko and Obito to train, her mind was finally freed to think about matters that weren't crying out for attention. She got a feeling that something important had slipped by her. But what?

I'll track it down after the battles tomorrow.

Sasori

Sasori spent his morning polishing and checking on his mechanical creations, devoted every spare bit of brain power to thinking up strategies while at work, and left work early. Laurie and Ruta grudgingly promised to stay until the end of normal working hours just in case, but Laurie swore to toss Ruta in her car and drive them both up to the base the second she plausibly could. Sasori nodded, his mind consumed with battle strategies. I should plant it beforehand. Where? I'd need to deploy it towards the end of battle, and quickly…

He selected the hospital roof. The demon boy appeared and giggled maniacally. Sasori straightened up and told him, "Tell no one and allow no interference." The demon boy saluted. Sasori carefully crawled backwards over the edge of the roof, planted his feet on the wall and walked down.

The time arrived. Sasori repeated the crucial steps of his plan in his head, worried that he might forget them in the excitement of battle. Konan invited him to take his beetle-bot up the road before battle so that the fight could begin in a flash. Sasori did so. He attached two hands' worth of strings to it and operated the legs through them. In battle, his strings would be nothing more than a ruse, but right now he needed to conserve chakra. He fought the urge to scratch at his upper arms and chest, where Nagato's rods were taped to his skin. The cloak hid them very well.

Unlike the previous set of training battles, these two were expected to be convoluted and tricky. Because of that, they started before sunset. The demon boy placed his whole territory under a sunshade and sheltered the vampires as they traveled. He and the vampires seemed to have become familiar with each other. Sasori didn't know how the vampires could trust such a being, but he was glad to have full visibility as he guided his creation across the hospital grounds. Almost everyone was there already. Original Hidan grinned from under a tree, his scythe gleaming. Sasori's heart pounded. If he channels chakra into that thing…

The demon boy walked between them. "Everyone here? Everyone good? Okay. Shields up!" Black old-fashioned iron fences sprung up in front of all observers. Sasori and Hidan had a great big long strip of fake grass to fight on, running from the road all the way up to the hospital building. It included two fake trees and nothing else. The demon boy leaped onto a platform that appeared in midair and proclaimed, "Introduce the fighters!"

Has he been watching wrestling shows? Sasori raised a hand. "I'm Sasori. This is Bugbear."

"I don't need to introduce jack shit," Original Hidan spat. "Let's get to the fun part already."

Immediately after claiming to be impatient, he glanced at Bugbear. Sasori knew what he saw: a six-legged beetle-shaped metal monstrosity the size of a small car, with clawed feet and a raisable shield where the head of a real beetle would be. He had considered giving Bugbear cameras after learning that Original Nagato had been able to see through his puppets' eyes, but there was no inconspicuous way to do that. For this one battle, his own eyes would have to suffice.

He also had some idea of what Hidan expected to see as battle went on. According to Konan, his original's puppets often had hidden panels from which to shoot out poisoned needles and mouths that opened extra-wide to shoot out swords, knives and other bladed things. Original Hidan expected Bugbear to have a secret ranged attack, most likely originating from Bugbear's front or possibly rear. He would avoid being caught in either location.

Sasori took this opportunity to size up Original Hidan in return. He noticed immediately that Original Hidan had a rope attached to his scythe, but it appeared to be regular rope. Broken fibers. He can't transmit chakra through that. If I can just get the scythe out of his hand…

The demon boy raised his hands. "Now let's go over the rules so everyone knows them. This guy is immortal. Because of that, this match has special scoring - if he beats the puppet guy but the puppet guy gives him a fatal wound first, puppet guy still gets partial points. If puppet guy beats him even with immortality, extra points. And of course, there's my usual rule: Be interesting."

"Go Sasori!" Laurie called. She and Ruta stood with the rest of the Akatsuki. The two of them plus Kisame had dolls sitting on their heads and shoulders; the dolls were not participating in this set of battles. The dolls silently cheered by waving their arms. Obito and Zetsu also stood in that general zone, with the Hatakes beside them. Sasori faintly recognized many of the faces. On the other side of the battlefield, the vampires watched with laserlike intensity and absolute silence. It was intimidating.

"Ready!" the demon boy called. Sasori attached strings to Bugbear's legs and channeled chakra through the rods. Original Hidan swung his scythe. "Begin!"

Original Hidan immediately darted to Bugbear's left and threw his scythe. His scythe flew beyond Sasori, forcing Sasori closer to Bugbear. Why would he want me closer to my puppet? Hidan followed his scythe, retrieving it with a quick tug as he ran past. He almost immediately turned and prepared to throw at Sasori. Sasori leaped onto Bugbear's back, raised the shield and made Bugbear turn. Hidan darted away before Bugbear fully finished the turn. He threw the scythe, forcing Bugbear into yet another tight turn. The scythe clanged off the shield. Is he testing Bugbear's maneuverability?

If so, Hidan knew by now that Bugbear was an ace at rotating in place. Sasori leaped off Bugbear's back and made the puppet race forward. Hidan leaped aside. Bugbear came to a complete stop, then turned. Sasori clung to Bugbear's legs. Good. He'll think that Bugbear is most useful as a protector puppet. In order to defeat me, he'll try to separate me from my mobile shield. He can only do that from a distance, and he wouldn't risk his scythe. Sasori prepared for a dragon attack.

That was exactly what he got. However, the dragon Hidan transformed into looked unusual. It was purple and black. Thanks to all of the fantasy stories Yahiko had exposed him to, Sasori immediately recognized that as An energy dragon! His trained ninja mind recalled a detail from Ruta's document that Sasori would have claimed not to remember. Sasori ran out in front. Hidan shot a lightning bolt. The bolt split the air, flashed brightly enough to temporarily blind observers, and crackled as noisily as a dozen firecrackers when it ran into Sasori's wind-chakra strings. Sasori was knocked backward and electricity crackled over Bugbear's outer shielding, but the strings had absorbed most of it. He leaped to his feet, reattached his unnecessary strings and had Bugbear flex a foot. The beetle-bot was unharmed. Dammit! Between the remote-control jutsu and that, my chakra will be used up in no time. I need to end this quickly. He made Bugbear charge. Hidan leaped aside, rotating as he did so. Hidan was now facing away from the hospital building. He could not see the small shape that rose from the roof.

Hidan returned to human form. "We're supposed to be interesting, remember? Stop hiding and attack me already!"

That would be a lot easier if you would attack me! I need to pretend that I've been successfully separated from Bugbear! "I could say the same to you," Sasori called back.

Hidan transformed into another dragon. It was red. Sasori fought not to smile as Hidan blasted him with a stream of fire. At first he hid behind Bugbear, but as the stream continued, no amount of hiding could keep him from getting burned. Sasori had Bugbear turn sideways, shielding him as he ran for his life. He rolled across the lawn to put out any fires on his cloak, then got back on his feet. Hidan now stood directly between Sasori and Bugbear. He returned to human form and grinned.

Sasori put a panicked look on his face. I've got him centered inside a triangle, exactly where I want him. Now I just need to hold him still long enough for the triangle to close. Hidan ran forward, throwing his scythe at Sasori as he did so. Now!

Sasori attached strings to the scythe and pulled sideways, barely managing to keep the blades from penetrating his face. He swung it around to divert its momentum and retracted his strings, pulling the scythe into his hand. Hidan was already in range. He altered his course to circle around Sasori and pulled on the rope. Sasori struggled to keep a grip. He used his struggle as an opportunity to look up. Oh thank the gods! Please let this work!

Hidan pulled out a kunai and leaped forward. Sasori leaped back. Just in the nick of time, a set of whirling plastic blades fell into Hidan's face. He stumbled to a stop, clawing and shrieking. "What the fucking fuckity shit?!" Sasori let the toy helicopter fall to the ground. Channeling his chakra into Hidan's scythe, he charged.

Blood sprayed across the demon boy's grounds. Hidan's spine was nearly severed. Sasori laughed as he circled behind Hidan. Hidan whirled around, screaming in rage. From behind him, Bugbear charged. Sasori used the scythe like a lance, shoving Hidan backward into Bugbear's grip. Electric crackling sounds filled the air. Sasori saw Hidan continue to struggle, so he dropped the scythe and touched the fingers of both his hands together. Smooth, uninterrupted strings filled the air. Sasori channeled wind-style chakra in bursts, as he had practiced, splitting those strings and transforming them into a net. While he was distracted, Hidan broke free. Sasori caught him in the net. Swirling his arms in circles, he wrapped the chakra netting around Hidan, fully immobilizing him. Then Bugbear moved in for the kill.

"What the shit?!" Hidan's outraged cries filled the air. Sasori burst out laughing. He sounded maniacal, even to himself. Bugbear's attacks grew more and more vicious, until the beetle-bot actually ripped one of Hidan's forearms off. Okay, okay, I've had my fun, time to cool it. Sasori had Bugbear hold Hidan still while he dropped his strings and picked up the scythe. Hidan was reduced to severed body parts in no time. The fight was over.

"And the extra points are awarded!" the demon boy called from the tree. "Woohoo!"

"How the fuck did you do that?!" Hidan yelled, staring up at Bugbear. "You didn't have any way of controlling him!"

Sasori would have loved to reveal his secret method. It would have been the perfect finish to this surprising fight. But his vision dimmed, blood roared in his ears, and chakra vessels all over his body slammed shut. He fell unconscious.

Yahiko

Yahiko grabbed the nearest doll and vaulted over the black fence, running to Sasori's side. "He's out of, um, magic energy. Donate some to him right now!" The doll, and the other dolls who followed, obediently did as asked. Sasori groaned. His eyelids fluttered. "Don't move. The dolls are donating magic energy to you right now. Lie still."

"Hey, what about me?" Hidan asked, sounding offended.

"I'll be okay in just a few seconds," Sasori muttered. Ten seconds passed. "I'm okay now. Put him back together."

Sasori used strings to guide Bugbear and the toy helicopter off the field. The Hatakes and Akatsuki stepped aside, making space between them. Sasori made Bugbear sit. He sat leaning against his creation's side, looking totally exhausted. Yahiko turned away to find that the dolls had pieced Hidan back together well enough for Hidan to walk away. They continued to use healing magic on him as he staggered to the sidelines. That left Yahiko alone, in the middle of a battlefield, surrounded by blood. Yahiko got an awful premonition that this was the way his battle would end, too. Only by the end, it'll be my blood.

"Places!" the demon boy called. Yahiko's opponent strode onto the field. His smooth, unhurried manner betrayed his identity. Madara turned to face Yahiko. Yahiko rose to his feet. The rest of the world disappeared. Suddenly nothing else existed besides them, the space between them, and the battle that must be fought. Yahiko felt a strange sense of tranquility. This is what everything was leading up to. We're finally here. This is the right place to be and the right thing to be doing. This is…destiny. Fate.

"Begin!"

As one, Yahiko and Madara made identical hand signs. There were two puffs of displaced air. Where Yahiko had stood, there now stood a slender dragon with two sets of dragonfly wings, a flexible tail as long as its body, and a head that rose approximately twelve feet high on a long swanlike neck. Maneuverability and speed: these were its strengths.

Where Madara had stood, there now stood a dragon with limbs as thick as tree trunks, a single set of batlike wings where each finger ended in a deadly claw, a stiff and reinforced tail, and a head that rose to twenty feet on a powerful armored neck. Come to think of it, there didn't seem to be a single spot that wasn't armored - not even the belly. This dragon's claws, teeth, tail, hands, feet, wings, and every other body part were all capable of destroying Yahiko in a single blow. Armor and deadly force: these were its strengths.

Yahiko set his wings going. He rose into the air. Madara lunged. Yahiko shot directly upward. Madara's teeth barely missed his tail. Yahiko pivoted downward, flying past Madara's left wing. From then on, his own wings received a brutal workout as he fought to stay close enough to Madara's body for safety without getting smashed against said body. Madara twisted, bucked, abruptly froze, flew, and crashed into a tree. Yahiko was forced to fly clear of the tree's broken branches. Madara's right wing came inches from disemboweling him.

Minutes of panicked flight and fifteen near-brushes with death later, Yahiko managed to get close to Madara again. This time, Madara's first move was to rip up the second tree and bat it over his shoulders. Yahiko's left front wing caught on a branch. He tumbled to the ground. The pain in his wing was agonizing, but he shot through the air anyway, and without a second to spare; one clawed hand landed on the grass behind him. I can't take much more of this!

It soon became clear that he had only one option. One very desperate and foolish option. Exactly as planned.

He's angry. Angrier. Enraged! Now!

Madara lunged, jaws agape. Yahiko stilled his wings. Another puff of displaced air filled Madara's jaws. Those deadly teeth clamped shut.

Madara's entire body, from nose to tail-tip, jerked as though electrocuted. He opened his mouth and bellowed. A brown, fuzzy clump fell to the ground. It unrolled into a giant hairy caterpillar. Specifically, a puss caterpillar: the leading search result when Yahiko googled "poisonous animals that cause extreme pain." Madara continued to bellow, slamming hands, feet and wings against the earth in a frenzy of pain. His insides were not armored. The caterpillar burst into fog. Madara's thrashes swept the fog away to reveal Yahiko's crushed body. Yahiko did not move.

Pure luck kept Madara from reducing him to paste. Madara's dragon form turned to fog shortly after developing a life-threatening case of asthma. He fell to the ground twitching, jerking, unable to breathe.

Yahiko opened his eyes. I…never wanted to have to hurt him… Slowly, he raised his right arm in the air. He was still alive. The ever-quieter sounds beyond his feet indicated that his opponent would soon not be.

"Fight's over get the dolls call the medics go go go!" yelled a frightened voice. There was a lot of movement. Yahiko coughed weakly. His broken ribs protested by stabbing him internally. Blood trickled into his throat. Madara's mouth may not have been armored, but it was just as heavy and crushing as the rest of him. Yahiko had chosen a boneless form for that exact reason, but even so, his innards had been squeezed beyond their limits. He closed his eyes, felt a body-wide bruise swell up underneath his skin, and spent his last moments of consciousness thinking, Worth it.

.

A/N: The puss caterpillar is technically venomous because you don't need to eat it to suffer ill effects. But if you eat it, by gods you will suffer ill effects, so I consider the disinction to be moot in this case.

Heeheeheehee. Haha! Rrrrrrr.