Adam glanced at Lute from under the mountain of papers. "Remind me how we got into this mess?"
"No one saw Emily in a while, we opened up her door, and we're buried under a tidal wave." His top girl responded.
"Right… remind us why we can't check in later?"
"Because Sera's getting worried, and a stressed out Sera is a Sera that's harder on your back."
"Right, right." He sighed. This was not what he needed today. "Em, grab your shit before we drown in it!"
"Don't move those papers!" The angel shouted as she flew out the door. "They're organized by year, month, week, day, hour, minute, and second!" Em responded with a frantic look in her eye. "I need absolutely every detail in tip top order!"
"Yeesh, you need a chill pill." Lute muttered.
"Yeah … wait do we have those?" Adam asked. "That doesn't sound too bad in all honesty. I could use one after a naggy bitch gets all uppity about not getting enough 'cuddle time' after a bang sesh." All the headaches he could block out.
"No, that counts as narcotics." Lute shook her head. "The closest we have is aspirin and boba tea."
"Lame." Adam rolled his eyes. "What the fuck even is boba?! Who want chucks of shit in your drink? Doesn't it get stuck in the straw and stop you from chillaxing on the beach?
"I think that's the least of our problems." Lute turned to Em. "So what exactly is … this?" She tried gesturing around the ocean of paper.
"Every second of Iruma Suzuki's life, detailed down to show that he was a completely sin free soul that doesn't deserve to be in hell." Emily grinned with a crazed look in her eyes. "I have every moment of his life recorded, and I'm not leaving this room until every single micro second is presented perfectly!"
Well that was creepy as fuck. "Look, Em, your … determination to this kid is … not deranged in any way, but isn't it a stretch to say you have every moment.."
"I am the sole owner of all his baby photos." Emily stated in a deep tone. "I know everything about this boy. Like on July Fifteenth of 2010, where he ate a boar and didn't yet know the bones were inedible, so I had to help him cough it back up. Or November Seventh of 2016, where he connected the blue wire of a fan and finally learned how to build things from scrap metal." The young Serphem squeaked in delight. "Oh the smile he had when he did was so bright I was nearly blinded by the cuteness! He's just my little precious boy, yes he is, yes he is.."
"Lute, I'm scared." He whispered honestly.
"So am I sir." The woman winced at the cringe. "I think this is one of those parasocial things that the earth internet is always talking about."
Okay, maybe he could try some reasoning. "So … do you know why he's in hell?" He asked. "Since he's not in here."
"Oh, that's a funny one." The woman spoke in a dark chuckle with a voice that may or may not have had genuine malice. "His parents sold his soul to a demon. When I learned of this fact, I checked up on them to see that they had a chest of gold."
"Wait what?" Lute did a double take.
"Oh yes… his parents… who I was told to bless by degree of heaven … sold their still alive child to the DEPTHS OF HELL!" Emily lit up in a pillar of holy flame that overtook the area, before dying it down. "Oops, almost got too carried away there. I almost burned October 16th, 2012, where he ate his first bite of candy… so precious."
"... Maybe you could talk to her, Adam?" Lute asked.
"Why the fuck me?" He begged quietly.
"First man, first parent?" Lute pointed out.
"But it's been fucking forever.." Lute gave him a glare. "Fiiiiiinee." Adam flew over to the young seraph. "Emily, I know that you love your job and are clearly dedicated to it… but you have to know that parenthood, real parenthood…. It fucking sucks."
"... Pardon?" She turned to him, her frenetic energy changed to a calm curiosity.
"See, that's the thing, babe. If you haven't felt the stress of tireless nights, constantly cleaning their shit and dealing with their endless crying and hormones, then you haven't really been a parent." Adam continued. "You're a guardian angel, and as that goes, you do great! But as a parent ... you haven't really experienced that shit for real reals."
"... Except I have." She chuckled. "Kind of had to when his parents are so absentee that the child stops crying one week in because they realize it's a hopeless waste of energy." The girl shook in place. "The boy has suffered so much that he chose to not cry. He chose to bottle up his sadness and anger at the world and instead worked on providing goodness for others… and I won't waste a single second of time until he and the rest of the world knows that effort hasn't been for naught."
"I see …" Welp, that was his relatability gone. Kids were the fucking worse. If Em couldn't see that, then he really couldn't help her.
"Adam." She turned to him. "You speak to hell all the time at their embassy, correct?"
"Reluctantly, yeah." He groaned. "Before seven years ago, I had to constantly meet up with that lying cheating bitch Lilith, always asking me dumb questions, like is my dick still limp, and I have it stated for the record that my dick is a firm, well lubricated machine damn it! It can go for hours and never wear down!" The whore deserved hell for that comment alone.
"Why are you asking?" Lute spoke up before he could rant more.
"I need to speak to Lucifer."
"Oh…." That.. that would be a problem. Emily was a Sereph, but Sera made it clear that the little snowflake was to never learn about the extermination. "I um … not my call to make." He chuckled nervously. "Exte-" Lute hit him in the ribs. Cunt move, but necessary. "I mean the warrior class … are the only ones allowed to access hell. I would if I could, but it's above my pay grade, my bad babe."
"…We have warrior classes?" Emily asked. "Shouldn't we NOT know how to fight? Doesn't that go against the whole peace and goodwill we're meant to spread?"
"It's necessary." Lute said. "As a precaution, demons are unpredictable. Self defense is required to keep ourselves safe." She explained. "As quoted by Miyamoto Musashi. 'It is better to be a warrior in a garden than it is to be a gardener in war'."
"Why would hell be going to war with us? If they're in hell, then they shouldn't be able to touch us." Emily questioned. "Isn't that the point of hell?"
"Weren't you going on a few months ago about imps going to the human world?" Emily shot back. "If lowly scum like those monsters can do that, then we can't rule out any possibility."
He could see the angel chick wince, looking down and droopy … ah, it was like a sad puppy you just wanted to throw a bone to so it wouldn't look so ugly. "Look babe. You look like you can use a pick me up. How about you follow one of the cherubs to earth and watch them bless somebody that deserves it. Would that make you feel better?" Adam put out there.
"… Maybe…" Emily pouted.
"Good shit! I'll get the best blessing team we have and have you ride along!" Adam grinned. "... You know, once the paper ocean's cleared up."
"Oh.. okay.." The seraph sighed. "Just gotta double check if all the baby photos are in chronological order." Fuckin creepy.
Loona, for once, was watching Iruma use her phone. "Let's see …" The boy was looking up job applications in other rings, wanting to try making some money on his own. "Envy needs a clothes model … Wrath needs someone to stare into volcanos to see when they'll erupt … Lust needs a … 'lube tester'?"
"Unless you're okay with sticks up your butt, you probably should avoid any jobs in lust." Loona threw her two cents in. This was outside her usual style, as she didn't even let Blitz so much as look at her phone without biting his hand, but ... She just had a soft spot for the kid ... maybe it's something to do with those hot-adorab-those funny dress photos she had. Yes, funny, that's what she meant! She just thought they were funny and they absolutely inspired no other feelings in her whatsoever.
"Mmm … Sloth needs someone to test medical procedures on … Greed just lists a BUNCH of high risk jobs with low pay … it's kind of admirable how shameless they are."
"Well when the head honcho of greed is a ripoff Lucifer, then you can't expect much integrity." Blitz muttered as he held a gun in hands, flipping through the TV channels. "Let's see, what mother fucking channel will I shoot today."
"Won't that just mean you'll need a new tv?" Iruma asked.
"Oh, I have like ten in stock." Blitz shook his head. "I just blow them up whenever I feel annoyed. Like having to FIX MY FUCKING WALL!" He shouted, taking out a rifle, aiming it out the window, and blasting some sinner with an rpg aimed at the office. "I will FUCK your dad if you don't get that shit away from my window this second!"
"I don't even know if they want to kill me for the V thing, the Alastor thing, or the Verosika thing." The kid slumped in his seat. "At this point, all the threats to my life just blur together."
"Meh, probably for the best. Keeping recognition just gives them affirmation." Blitz rolled his eyes as the tv flickered.
"Don't worry tot. It's just a fad." Millie waved off as she patted the kid on the back.
The tv landed on an image of three fluffy angel babies. "Howdy Ho,Im Cletus, and welcome to heaven! Guess you did something right to make it here."
"…. And any thoughts I had about liking tv have instantly died." The kid grumbled. His shadow moved at that, moving from the wall it was on to patt the kid on the head. "Why would heaven commercials play in hell?" Iruma asked.
"Probably just to mock the sinners that can never know the 'joy' of shitting rainbows and the smell of chaste priests." Blitz shrugged.
"Does it make you want to cry, when your loved one has to die? Does it hurt you through and through, when your face is turning blue?" They asked, showing off a bunch of censored images of brutal murders.
"Do they think censoring it makes it less gory?" Iruma asked.
"Well luckily for you, There's something we can do." They cheered out. "We can help keep them alive, So you can watch them thrive!"
"I'm pretty sure this is the same profession as that Emily angel." The fatty pointed out.
"So they're terrible at their jobs?" Millie asked.
"Probably .." Iruma shook in his seat uncomfortably.
"Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B, We'll save your honeybun from dying violently. Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B, No, we never even ask a fee-"
BANG
"They completely ripped off our company jingle!" Blitz accused as he blew up the tv. "Of all the god damned things they could do, that has crossed the line!"
"We have a jingle?" Iruma asked.
"You bet your balls we do!" Blitz smiled proudly. "We even added the little tidbit of kids dying for free at the end to draw in extra customers!"
"I'm just confused on what kind of company would provide such beneficial services for free." Moxxie scratched his head.
"You saw the golden mansions in the background, fatass, they're just doing it for clout." Loona rolled his eyes. "It's not a question of whether they need to do it, it's they can do it."
"Great, like I needed to know even more that heaven only helps people randomly." Iruma grunted.
"Don't get your shit in a twist kid, I'll let you shoot the next commercial! Mox, bring in another box!"
"Yes sir." The fatass did as he was told, turning it on.
"I don't know, I don't feel.."
"Welcome to Wall Wackfords Wonderful world of wacky contraptions…!"
Iruma simply handed Loona her phone, walking over to the tv, unplugging it, walking up to the window, and tossing it out onto the streets. "Not shooting, but I approve!" Blitz gave a thumbs up.
"Aww, my little tots growing his backbone." Millie hugged the kid from behind. "Soon you'll be throwing real enemies and motherfuckers out the window before you know it."
"... Yaayyy …" The kid grumbled as he slumped into a chair. "Just what I always wanted."
"If it's any consolation, you wouldn't be able to hurt anyone if you tried." Loona shrugged. "Sinners can't die and you don't really have the instincts for it. That's just the hell you've been dealt with.
"Mmm…" He turned to her, placing his hand behind her head and-oooh yeah. "You know, ironically, I think you'd get along with Husk." Iruma said as he gave one of those god given head rubs. "He's a cat demon, but he drinks just as much as you, and always talks about how everyone is crap."
"Someone really needs to teach you how to curse, squirt." Lonna smirked as she thumped her leg. Man, he really knew how to make her feel good-
The ground started to shake. "Ah shit, it's a hellquake!" Bliz shouted.
"Those exist?" The fatty said in a panicked tone.
"Stay calm Mox." Millie reassured her dickless husband.
"I am … because hellquakes aren't a thing." He said hysterically.
"Don't worry Moxxie, I survived enough earthquakes to know what to do." The kid said absolutely correctly.
"Iruma, I assure you we have nothing to be afraid of.."
"Stop being hysterical, fatty!" Loona shouted as she threw him into a wall.
Crash
That was destroyed as an escalator crashed into it, crushing the fatty. "Greetings impish little ones!"
"Moxxie!" Millie and the kid shouted.
"Damn it, we just repaired that wall!" Blitz shouted.
"Greetings!" A weird geezer guy shouted while jumping in, sounding weirdly like Blitz (same voice actor). "I am Loopty Goopty! The inventor of all things loopty and goopty!"
"Help …" The fatty cried out.
"Ugh, that stentch is terrible." Blitz covered his nose, smelling the weirdo's ass. "Did you just die?"
"Yes, moments ago in fact! And when I saw your advertisement with the nifty jingle on the Telly, I knew I had to immediately find you!"
"Wow, not even a shits length's time in hell and you are already gunning for revenge!" Blitz grinned. "See Moxxie, that's the kind of gusto I want you to put it more often."
"Oxygen … low …"
"Millie, help me pull!" The kid shouted, grabbing onto the escalator.
"The name's Blitz, the O is silent, what can I do you for today, sis?" Blitz completely ignored the other's screaming as he walked up to the insane and stupid looking sinner. "What's the sitch, the word, who are we fucking into an early grave today?"
"I assumed this was a business of murder, not sex." Definitely out of it.
"Pleasure and murder are in and out. Now, tell us who to murder and why you want them dead." Her boss continued.
"I… I… I need you to kill Lyle Lypton … my BEST FRIEND!" The sinner cried hysterically.
"You want to kill your best friend?" Iruma asked, now looking at them while failing to lift the machine off the fatty. "Geesh, friendships are more complicated than I thought."
"We were the best of the best! Super intelligent and super muscular, good looking scientists with our own business!" The idiot continued on, moaning and clearly exaggerating. "We started our empire together with nothing but our brains, determination, and the endless supply of homeless people that we were able to experiment on and exploit for decades!"
"... I'm honestly more surprised I wasn't included in that list." The kid admitted.
"We were multi billionaires, and we sought the coveted title of trillionaires! So we crafted a machine that could reverse the aging process and save the three remaining trillionaires left on earth to extend their lives and make them give us all their money for giving them eternal youth!" The sinner continued to cry. "But we failed to test the machine on the homeless like we always do, and we got stuck inside, locked out and aging fifty years in ten seconds!"
"Once again, super surprised I wasn't the victim."
"I died of old age … but that bastard lived!" He shouted. "And now he'll make all the god damn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire!" The man growled. "And now I want you to go up there and KILL that evil traitor!"
"...Okay, not saying either of you are good…" The kid went on. "But that last part feels more like karma than malicious intent."
"Well it was evil towards me!" Loopty shouted. "So will you kill that no good soon of a bitch or what!?"
"Sure thing Loopa-"
"Loopty!"
"But just to be clear, if we kill him, he'll be in hell with you forever, right?" Blitz clarified.
"Oh trust me …" Multiple weapons came out. "I'm counting on it."
"That's … kinda hot …" They all turned to the downed imp. "Lights.. fading… darkness.. Everywhere … axolotl … waving at me…"
"Don't worry Moxxie, we'll get you out… eventually!" Iruma shouted, still struggling to lift it up.
"I got the chainsaw!" Millie cried out. Yeah … now would be a good time to sleep through this bullshit.
Lyle Lipton gazed at a photo of his most valuable possession … his one true love … the joy of his life … "Money … how I'll miss you." He was a trillionaire … but what was the point? He was too old to enjoy the things he wanted to do, and without Goopty's help, the machine couldn't be operated. "Curse you, ragged and decaying body." He could barely lift his fingers to buy luxury martinas and sign the waivers for his seventh yacht.
He supposed the joy of experimenting on the poor and homeless could provide some value to his life… but without his best friend by his side, who else would he share his laughter with? Certainly not anybody younger, that's for sure. He hated young people, always have, even when he was a baby, which was why he dedicated his life to growing up as fast as possible, to buy all the things so nobody else could have them."
"I suppose that I lost my life in that accident already … I just didn't get it over with …" He grabbed onto his IV tube, slowly wrapping it into a nose. "Goodbye money … and Loopty … if there's a hell, I'll see you there." The man slowly wrapped it around his head, no guards in sight … before it began to glow.
Fwosh
A force blew it away … into a new sight. "Hello Lyle Lipton!"
"AAHH! I'm being haunted by ugly orphan children!" His worst nightmare!
"Wait, I thought one of the rules was that we couldn't be seen?"
"And their elderly nanny!" Three ugly people and a mildly LESS ugly younger person, this couldn't possibly get worse.
"..Oh you got to be shitting me!"
"...Weird echo." Lyle said to himself. "Huh, my old age must've broken it."
"Clause three seven four. If someone loses the desire to live, or wishes they were never born, we can manifest themselves as long as it's for the express purpose of returning that spark of life." The babish orphan explained. "You did read the pamphlet when you became a guardian angel, right Ms Emily?"
"We have pamphlets?!" The old nanny shouted. "Sera just gave me the job."
"Did she tell you to go to us after being given the mission, or did you go down instantly out of excitement?" The girly lamb orphan asked.
"... So how are we helping this poor soul today?" The elderly nanny immediately shifted the topic.
"Please leave me alone, I just want to die."
"We're here to bless you Lyle Lympton." The blue lamb orphan said. "By the multiple people in heaven who have had their families on earth benefit from your technology."
"Just let me be." He cried out.
"HEY FUCKERS!" A voice shouted from the window, as a tall red ugly man launched through. "I-" He fell on the ground, leaving them in silence.
"Sir, it's with-" Another red orphan boy walked in, pausing to look at the man, before looking back. "It's with our humble opinion that you should continue the process of … commit die."
"IMPS!" The first group of ugly orphans pulled out their crossbows. "We've been warned about you. Leave now or pay the price!" The baby orphan growled.
"Hold your fire, hold your fire!" The elderly nanny waved as she spread her gross back hair to act as a shield. "If they're around, then…" Two more figures came in. A red orphan girl, and what looked like one of their illegal chinese immigrant sweatshop workers. "Iruma…"
"Oh… hey…. You…" The sweatshop child waved cautiously at the elderly nanny. "...You.. you still doing the guardian thing…"
"Yes … I am …" She responded awkwardly. "... I um … never gave you my name, did I?" The nanny chuckled, again awkwardly. "It's … Emily."
"Oh… oh that's a nice name…." The boy slowly responded.
"Um … Ms Emily?" The girly lamb orphan spoke up. "Those are demons? On earth? Why are we holding our fire?"
"Because…" The nanny paused, looking like she was struggling to come up with a lie. What a naive moron. She should've been able to master lying by the time she was twenty like all old people did, especially with all that white hair she had.
"Because… we're holding an innocent boy hostage that we'll send to hell if you don't hold back!" The red orphan girl shouted as they pointed one of their guns at the sweatshop child.
"You s-s-savages!" The blue sheep orphan cried out.
"Ah, hostage. How nostalgic." The sweatshop child deadpanned in acceptance.
"Ah don't get your holy panties in a twist. We're just here to help this poor bastard off himself." The tall red ugly man nodded. "You wanna kill yourself, right Mr Lypton?"
"Yes, very desperately so." The sweet relief of death was so pleasant sounding right now.
"Then take from me, a fellow genius, we're expects in helping you gross flashbags die early deaths!" The tall red orphan grinned. "Mox, what do we have in the shop?"
"Assault weapons, a crossbow, hunting bow, tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three different colors, chainsaws, katanas." The ugly red orphan pulled out weapon after weapon.
"Okay, I need some genuine storage tips from you." The immigrant said with wide eyes.
"Yo-yo- you vile creatures, he had much more integrity than that!" The sheep orphan called out.
"No I don't." Lyle confirmed as he took a shotgun and aimed it into his mouth for a quick death.
"He-he-hey, hey, let's not be so hasty.." The nanny pulled it away before he could pull the trigger. "I know things may seem bleak, but there's still so much you could do with your life?"
"Sorry, hun, but I think that's line's been cross already." The red orphan girl rolled her eyes. "I mean, what's he gonna do with all this money, now that he's all poor and gross?"
"He can share his wealth with the poor!" The baby orphan shouted.
"No." So disgusting. "Poor people are only good if they're poor. That's what makes them useful to experiment on."
"...Come again?" The nanny questioned with a glare.
"He could create a method to cure cancer." The girly sheep orphan pointed out.
"No, cancer's too valuable as a way to kill your enemies. Me and Loopty came up with such wonderful ways to create new, even more untreatable forms of cancer just as a hobby." Lyle cried. "Such fond memories.
"... Did we get the right Lyle Lypton?" The old nanny looked at a piece of paper.
"Look, little holier than thous, this old man's life aint worth shit, and he knows it. And it doesn't look like there's anybody up top that'll miss his ugly ass. Come on, kid, back me up." The tall red ugly man patted the sweatshop child.
"I … feel he should live."
"... Come again?" The tall man looked confused.
"What he said… huh?" The nanny tilted her head.
"I mean, if he's in hell he'll suffer, and if he's in heaven he's stuck around jerks who never do anything. Life is the only real option right?" The immigrant stated. "I'm still stuck with you guys, but I'm on the angels side here. Even if they're really bad at their jobs."
"HEY!" The three orphans shouted.
"You should really give living a chance Mr." The sweatshop child told him. "As someone who's seen the afterlife … this is as good as it's gonna get for anyone."
"Huh… I suppose that makes sense…" Lyle thought about it. "And if I died now, some ugly teenager might get cocky and try to steal all my fortune and give it to the destitute. I can't have a world where that might be possible."
"Are you fucking serious!?" The tall red man shook the immigrant. "Even Mox knows you don't try to encourage the target to live! Do you want me to dock your pay!?"
"I barely get paid as it is, and the only thing I have to look forward to is more suffering, excuse me for actually practicing the freedom going to earth actually GIVES ME!" The sweatshop child shouted.
"And, we can show you the joys of living!" The baby orphan shouted. Somehow, Lyle felt today was going to be annoying.
Millie sat in a fur costume next to Mox as they all showed up in the forest. "SOOO CUUUUTE!" The Emily angel girl smiled as she hugged the tot, who was in a little precious doggie suit. "You are so adorable I want to cuddle and kiss and snuggle every piece of your face!"
"Why am I in a costume? I already look human enough." The boy asked.
"Punishment for sticking it with the angel-fucker team. It was either that or Mils here stabs me for lowering your pay further."
"I still want to stab you for gambling my tot to a succubus." Mille growled.
"He did what!?" Emily shouted, lighting up in white flames and staring at her boss.
"Oh relax. We won the parking space, and he would have only been with them for a week tops." Blitz clarified. "The only damage sustained was the bitch stealing his first kiss, the V-card's still unswiped."
"I missed his first kiss!?" Emily cried, holding the tot even closer. Millie would've argued more and stole her baby back, but given the heartache the two have been through, she figured the angel needed this more than ever.
"Quick, Emily, if you pull the child away, we can fend off these imps!" The bitchy cherub said to the big angel.
"I … am not familiar with hell magic, Keenie." Emily spoke, still hugging Iruma close. "I don't know if they might have connected some spell that lets them pull him back at any second. I feel like… we should… hold off doing anything… drastic. This feels more like a matter of pride than anything."
"Exactly!" Blitz shouted. "This old fuck offing himself is a guereented ticket to hell! If he dies like that, we both complete our job AND get one up you holy fuckers!"
"He will NOT die!" The baby looking cherub shouted. "And we will start by showing him the beauty of nature." They showed off a forest.
"...Nature's a HORRIFYING place, why would you start here!?" Iruma shouted as Emily rubbed his head.
"Nonsense, it's God's landscape for all the natural beauty of the universe." The male sheep fucker waved off. "All the animals are kind and peaceful in their frolicking state. If you died now, you'd miss out at experiencing all this wonder."
"It does seem peaceful… and there's so much land to exploit." The old fucker grinned. "I could chop down all these trees and build a nuclear waste factory! All the homeless people I could employ with this land and explicit for cheap labor!"
"... Pardon?" Emily asked, a twitch in her eyes showing off.
"He's… he's… creating jobs for those that need it!" The female sheep cherub said with a shaky tone..
"Oh don't mind that little hopeful ramble." Blitz waved off, putting a pair of binoculars in front of the man. "Look at what nature's like up close."
"What so do you-ahh! That poor wolf has a tree fall on her-no! That bear's going to rip her apart-ahhh! WHERE DID THOSE BEES COME FROM, WHY IS THAT LUMBERJACK SO CRUEL!?"
"Don't look at this, don't look at this!" The baby tried to pry the binoculars away.
"I can't, it's too-A MOOSE KILLED HIM! AREN'T THEY SUPPOSED TO EAT PLANTS!?" The old man shouted. "I'VE NEVER WANTED TO DIE MORE THAN RIGHT NOW
"Hu … isn't that the same type of moose that charged at you during that winter when you were five?" Emily asked, remarkably unphased.
"Huh… actually yeah, it is. Even has the same mark I bit into his back."
"Next stop!" The blue sheep shouted, pushing the man way.
A few minutes later, Millie was at the entrance to a mall, watchin a bunch of little tots running around a mall santa. "Is it that close to christmas already?" Iruma asked. "I could have sworn spring break was a week ago." He asked, as the imp gang wore elf costumes, with the little tot now in a adorable reindeer suit.
"It's a cheap mall." Millie explained, rubbing his pretty little head. "They have stuff like this everywhere in greed, no reason why earth wouldn't do the same thing up top."
"Aaah, that checks out more." He nodded, turning to the angels. "So if you're going for a beauty of mall thing …"
"No." The blue sheep shook his head. "We're showing him the joys of children. Just look at their happy, innocent faces."
"...I hate children!" Lyle shouted. "Snot nosed, diseased little vermin. If I could, I would've recruited more into the workforce so they'd have a higher chance of dying faster."
"Again, I feel like I should've worked for this guy at one point." The tot titled his head.
"... There aren't more than one Lyle Lymptons on earth, correct Cletus?" Emily asked, her eyes twitching … all seven of them. "Or more deserving people to bless at least…"
"Don't worry, we'll inspire him with this one for sure!" The baby cherub smiled.
"Hey everyone!" They turned to Blitz, who was standing next to the mall santa. "Get a load of this!" And ripped off the costume, showin off some pedo freak.
"Oh my-I'm going to be sick!" Emily covered her mouth as she spewed rainbows from the side. "Why, why is this planet so horrible!?"
"AHHHH!" The children cried out. Even the old fuck started crying.
"... Why are they running?" The tot asked. "It's just a guy in a suit."
"We'll tell you when you're older." Millie patted him on the back as she covered his eyes. "Mox, be a dear and kill THAT mother fucker before we leave."
"On it." He raised his gun.
"Ha-hng on now!" The holy sheep boy flew in front of them. "We're not j-j-just going to let you kill people!"
"Look, Jesus Christ JUST came back!" Millie pointed behind them.
"Really, where-!?"
BANG
They stared at the dead man, multiple children crying in horror or passing out. "Nice job Mils, classic misdirection!" Blitz cackled.
"...Still sick, still going to be sick!" Emily threw up again.
She watched as Emily stared at Iruma in a dress. Luckily everyone agreed to crossdress for this next one. "… Is this what having a daughter's like?" She asked with a quiet sparkly expression on her face.
"...I am going to choose to not respond to that." The tot slowly nodded as they looked at the next location. "Lover's peak? Isn't this the place where teenagers go to make babies?"
"Yes, but not the point." The lady cherub said. "We're showing him one of the biggest joys in the world."
"Money?"
"No, love."
"… You guys are terrible at showing people how to live." Iruma said bluntly.
"Love...I've never been in love… I've always been too busy forcing migraine workers to work for the bare minimum while feeding them poison on days I felt blue." The old man smiled. "It must've feel nice."
"Why … why are we protecting him …" The Angel lady asked. "The only virtues we've seen out of him are greed and selfishness, and he clearly doesn't have the desire to serve or care for others."
"The winners of Heaven that have their families helped with his technological revolutions asked us to bless him." The baby cherub said matter of factly. "From things such as advanced pacemakers to cars that have emergency brakes before impact."
"But he's also openly and PROUDLY proclaimed how much his factories and jobs hurt and exploit people!" Emily shouted.
"Oh quit your bitchin bitch." Blitz scoffed. "Angels are pricks, we learned that since day one. Now excuse me while I help prove he has no reason to live." He held up a megaphone. "How many of you fuckers wanna piece of this old man!?" And every car left faster than a horse on caffeine.
"You horrible cretins! We're trying to bring joy into the world!" The sissy lamb cherub glared. "Why must you insist on stomping on it!"
"Right, because you're mad that we want a greedy, selfish, authoritarian capitalist to keel over dead." Her husband scoffed.
"Getting too real Mox." Blitz sprayed him with a bottle that looked and smelled like cat piss.
"You'll see, once we get him to appreciate fine art, then.."
"Stop, stop, stop, just… stop!" Iruma glared at the angels. "Do you people even know what being human is like? I'm legitimately asking here, because I just started learning about how Hell works, and I don't know a thing about anything in heaven."
They looked at each other. "Well, we spend every day looking after humans, so for the most part yes."
"But have you ever done anything they do?" The tot continued. "Have you ever had to worry about rent? Or wondering about being late on an assignment? Have you been in a car crash and had to avoid getting sued for everything your worth, have you ever spent a whole day with so little money that you had to starve yourself because you know food is so rare that you could only afford to by meals once every two weeks?"
"Well … no …" The sheep boy admited.
"Look." Iruma sighed. "Nature, children, love? None of that stuff is the reason to live. It's that warm feeling you get from a full stomach. It's that tingly giddiness you get when someone does something nice. It's that calm bliss you have after making it through the day. You describing the wonders of life isn't working because what your show ISN'T living, it's byproducts OF living. What he needs is the comfort one gets after struggling." He grabbed onto the man's bed, wheeling him away. "I'm taking charge."
"But-"
"I'm showing this man what makes life worth living!" He growled. "And so help me I will DO IT with or without any help, because that's MY struggle for living, always doing everything by myself."
"Ah, Iruma." Millie sighed as he walked away. For once he was really takin charge, and it was tryin to help their client live. She felt such a conflicting feeling of pride and disappointment all at once.
"...This man doesn't deserve blessings." Emily growled.
"...Emily?" The baby cherub looked to the angel lady cautiously. "Are you.."
"This man has done NOTHING to benefit the world, he's is selfish, self serving, and his continued existence is only going to bring misery to the people around him!" The angel shouted. "This man doesn't deserve heaven's blessings, he doesn't deserve any help or pity, and he especially doesn't deserve the kindness of the ONE decent boy I've seen in this world!"
"Emily, wait-!"
"What he deserves is a bullet to the head because the only use he has to the world is being manure after pigs chew up his old, shriveled, and disgusting body!" She shouted as multiple eyes opened up around her body.
"Lookie here, we got an angel on team murder!" Blitz shouted, handing her a pistol. "Body's right there, let him have it baby!"
The woman looked like she was about to do it too. "Wait!" Millie shouted.
"Come on, this melodrama shit was actually starting to sound good!" Blitz complained. "What now!?"
"Emily, if ya kill the old fart right now while he's on this path, you'll have no chance of forming a real bond with the tot!" Millie called out.
The woman stopped, looking conflicted and scared … before vanishing outright. "Welp, there goes our easy kill." Blitz grumbled. "How about we-" He was nearly shot with an arrow. "The fuck!?"
"I have had it up to here with you filthy hellspawn! You managed to corrupt Emily, the purest of Seraphim!" The baby shouted as they all aimed crossbows. "We are going to bless that shitty old man, and we'll do it by ANY means necessary!"
"Hah, you admit it!" Moxxie called out with a smug look. "You don't care that he's a good person, you're just looking out for yourselves! You're no different from any demon that lives in hell!"
"Shut up!" The lamb bitch shouted. "You filthy hellspawn do nothing but corrupt anything around you! You don't even have the right to exist in the world of the living!"
"Oh just shut your yaps and crawl into god's asshole, you self righteous, hypocritical, cotton candy coated tit having BITCH!" Mille called out.
"… FILTHY DEMON!" And the cat fight began.
Iruma smiled as he looked over the location. "Kid?" The old man asked. "Why are we in a dump?"
"Because I'm showing you what makes life precious." He grinned, walking up to a small community of homeless men and women, aka, one of the many 'homes' Iruma used to have during his time on earth. He'd rather stay out of the way while the IMP's did their thing, but if he was going to have freedom on earth, then he was going to take advantage of what he could do here. And that meant doing what he thought… no…. What he KNEW the right thing to do was. "You see those people?"
"These deceased ridden poverty stricken vermin?" The old man asked with a tilt.
"Yep. They're no different from you. The only difference really is that you have money." Iruma nodded.
"But … that's all the difference." The man said with confusion. "Not to mention a bunch of the vermin are much younger than me."
"That they are. But there is one very, very important connection that you share with them." He continued.
"Our love to for money and anything we're willing to do to gain more of it?"
"Nope. They're probably going to die." He clarified. "Any second of any day. Just like you, just like me. Just like everyone … but look at the smile that woman has when she's eating soup. Or that child has as he's sung goodnight."
"They … look so happy." He said. "But they're so poor and sickly."
"But they ate warm food, and are getting comfort." Iruma smiled. "And that's the point. Life is a random, confusing, dangerous mess that can kill you at any moment … but it offers up so many joys you can indulge in."
"But… those are so small and insignificant…"
"And that's what makes it more valuable to them." Iruma nodded. "The most valuable resource any of us have is time. That's more precious than money, or gold. Life is always unfair… but's it's also very fair in the fact we all only have one of it. Thinking about the consequences or unfairness, or age, or any of that, justs wastes the one truely valuable thing you have." Even if he was in hell,... He was still living… Alastor and any other demon would never be able to take that away from him. "So, think about what makes you happy, and let yourself be happy while you struggle for the rest of your days. Cause that … is the only real way to live."
"...Of course… I was so blind!" The old man shouted. "If there's such a big conflict over my life, then there must be something worth living!"
"Exactly!"
"And I'm still rich! I can just buy whatever makes me happy!"
"Yes you can!"
"I no longer crave death!"
Iruma smiled to himself as the man wheeled away. "There we go …" He turned around … seeing the angel lady… Emily… there … alone. Iruma felt his mood drop a bit. "I did your job for you, you're welcome." Just like with everything else in his life.
"...Why…." The lady had tears in her eyes. "Why…"
"Because you guys had no idea how to live like a human, and he wasn't going to regain the will to live just from surface level…"
"Why did you help him….. Why…. he doesn't deserve it….. He doesn't….. He doesn't deserve your mercy…"
"… Because life is better than death." He answered. "I have to watch IMP kill people all the time. I wanted to see someone live." Even if the guys were probably going to shoot him when no one was looking.
"He doesn't deserve it…"
"Who cares about who deserves what?" Iruma glared. "Life doesn't care if you deserve it or not. It does care if I suffer. But I'm not going to let that turn into an excuse to be bitter back at the world. If I'm going to keep living, I'm going to do everything I can to put more good than bad in the world, even if it's pointless in the end."
"But …"
"I mean seriously, at least I'm trying to do something." He said. "Those angels you were with just kept walking him around the city and pointing. They weren't explaining the meaning of life at all. Just pointless stuff."
"But.."
"And you.. You said you're suppose to be some kind of guardian, yet you want him dead? I.. I legtimatelly don't understand you. Why is it okay for HIM to die when supposedly you want to help me-"
"Because it's not fair he got blessings when you didn't!" Emily cried out. "I was sent to protect your parents, but all they did was use and abuse you over and over, and I couldn't take you away …" Tears fell. "I couldn't do anything, and I still can't …"
He … stared at her. "I …"
"I spent days upon days trying to break you out of hell. Gathering evidence, talking with Sera. Nothing's working … you're stuck down there suffering." She cried. "I called you my son when I haven't done anything to prove to you I'm your mother…. That was selfish of me…. You deserve better than that… better than a worthless angel who doesn't even know what's right and wrong anymore."
She looked so remorseful… she… Iruma could feel a strangeness in his heart…. Almost like… he could feel … no… it… it couldn't be love… could it? "I…" And she wrapped her feathers around him…. And once again, he felt the warm nostalgia of the few peaceful nights of sleep he managed to get from time to time. With… feathers …. Feathers that… that got tangled in his head…
"The closet… the only time I could be there for you was when you were asleep… when you were in a ally and only had newspapers.. when you had to build an igloo during those cold attic nights … those nights giving you warmth ... they were the best parts of living for eternity."
"That…. That was you…" He gasped. "You…. you were…." He … he did feel her there….she.. She was there…. "You…"
"There's a world out up above…" Twinkling in the air rang, like the chimes of a bell as Emily sang. "One that did not show you love. Thought I could stop the neglect and shun…" She pulled her head back … tears in her eyes. "Be here with you, my son."
"You… you…." She was crying… crying for him. Crying for someone like him, someone who's life… didn't matter.
"Somewhere deep down I believed…I'd bring you back with me." She held his hands in her grasp… her soft… loving, and tender grasp. "I thought we could have some fun … Can my damage be undone?" She stared down at his shadow … which seemed to almost smirk back at her.
This… this was still… this was new to Iruma… this feeling… of empathy… not him giving empathy…. But … receivingit. It… it was an alien feeling to him. "I'd forgotten how to feel…Barely knew if I was real…" He spoke…. His voice and tone somehow following along with the medley that Emily was providing. He wasn't sure if that was the result of hell or heaven… but right now he hardly cared to think about it. "If I am no longer me….Then what can I still be?" Who could he be other than anyone's slave… what worth did he have if he wasn't being used by anyone?
"By your side even when I fall….I want to stay with you one and all." Emily cried more, her multiple eyes planting butterfly kisses all over his face. "I still hold onto that hope… No matter what I am called."
Why… why did she care so much….why was she giving him so much love!?' "Why can't you leave me behind…I can never win anytime…" He cried out.
"I don't want to let you go." She held onto his hand tenderly and carring.
"I'll be okay alone.." He tried to fight it… he wanted to pull away…. But… he couldn't…he didn't want her to go away…
"You deserve far better friends …" She glanced over at IMP fighting off the cherubs.
"I'm with them until the end…" Until he died and spent forever with Alastor go. "You have to let me go…. I'll be okay alone.."
"Iruma…. I never doing that again…." He… He believed her… she…. She was giving him hope.
"Leave me be!" He tried to fight it. "Say goodbye!" It was better for her sake… he couldn't be helped. "You can't help, why must you try?!" It was pointless to help him…. It was hopeless. "Why do you want….to stay with me…..Your stake in this is done… find a new family…" One that wasn't doomed for hell … one that didn't already give up … struggling. She already switched to Lyle Lympton after all, right?
"Stop trying to give me Mercy/It's not fair for you to be alone.." The two of them sang over each other. I don't want to fight, please just leave/After what you've been through!"
" No one came, or heard my calls/So let me just ease your pain!"
He tried to pull away as she pulled closer. "For my sake, you shouldn't have to fall/Please let me stay with you!"
Why did she want to stay with him…. Why did she want to be in his life!? "Leave me be/I'll continue to reach out!
Say goodbye/I won't abandon you!
You can't help! /Determination fuels me!
Why must you try?/To keep trying to save you!" Why put in all that effort for him… why was he worth so much effort?!
"Why must you..!/I will give you my Mercy…
Stay with me!/Because it's clear to me!
Your battle's done!Ignoring you won't solve anything!
Fine a new family!/Solutions are never easy..!"
People always wanted to take advantage of you eventually. She knew him for years. She should … he couldn't … But… she loved him…she loved him….she loved him and heyelled at her… he made her feel terrible… the first person to ever show him kindness… and he spurned her….he… he was a terrible person….maybe… maybe he deserved to be in hell.
"I don't deserve your love/I will stay here by your side.
I'm as useless as a ratty glove/I know it's frightening.
No one should hear my my call/To think that you might now leave…
I don't want you to take your fall/But that my son is why.." Emily cared … and Iruma messed it up … he pushed her away … he was afraid and angry at her. The first time he felt true anger… and it was at the wrong person… at the only person that wanted to help him.
"Leave me be…/I will choose your life always…
Say goodbye/And hold you tight and close…" He couldn't handle this. He couldn't put in the energy to move.
"You can't help/We will be together someday..
"Why must you try?/When we break this curse.."
She wanted to fight for him…. And Iruma… wanted her to… she… he wanted her help…. He wanted her in his life. "Why must you/I will stay here by your side…
Stay with me?/ I know it's frightening..
Your battle's done/To think that I will suddenly leave.
Go find a new family!/But that my son is why..!"
Why did she care about him? Whywhywhywhywhy?
"Forgive me/ i will love you always." He didn't deserve someone as caring as her. "Stay with me/And hold you tight and close." Iruma didn't deserve the love of an angel. You're the last/We will be together here…" But maybe Iruma was just selfish…. "Light I'll I see/When we break your curse…" Because… Because he didn't want Emily to leave him….she wanted her…in his life.
"I can't get you to forgive me… I can't get you to see the good in me… but… but I'm sorry… I'll never stop being sorry.." She apologized to him. "I'll figure it out, I don't know how … how to …"
Iruma hugged the woman, letting her cry on his shoulder. "… Even if I never saw you., you were there… that.. that is more than my parents ever did for me." He clung to her wamr feathers… a warmth that he remembered fondly… a warmth he always wanted to feel. "I.. I still can't believe you love me… what… what did I do to deserve..?"
"Nothing…." Emily kissed his forehead. "You never had to do anything for my love Iruma, and you never will… true love… romantic, platonic, familial… it's always unconditional… don't ever doubt anything less."
"… Alright …" He nodded slowly. He wasn't sure if he truly believed that… but… he believe Emily loved him unconditionally… that was the only explanation. No one as sweet… and warm… and forgiving as her could ever do anything less. "Thank you…" He cried as he clung to her body. "Thank you for… thank you for loving me…."
"And trust me, I will get you out of hell. Mark my words. I will free your soul."
"It's alright …" She didn't need to put herself out there anymore than she already had. "Besides … even if Alastor is the worst, and the IMP are really…. Really bad care takers… like oh god, why are they so bad…" He felt himself chuckle. "...They… they support me in their own weird way…. And… I've… I've actually managed to make real friends in hell.." He felt himself tear up. "Real friends… my first true friends.."
"Really?" She asked. "Are they girlfriends?"
"Two are." He nodded… before blinking. "I mean, they're friend's that happen to be girls, not… you know… I don't think that's really feasible at the moment."
"Ah." Emily nodded… though there was a weird smile behind it.
"I mean, not sure if Husk counts as a third friend since he's a coworker … but he understands me, and he gave me a drink when I needed it. Then there's Nifty, who's just … crazy." That was the tamest way to put it.
"If she hurts you, just tell me, and I will march down to hell myself and take care of it." Emily stated firmly.
"Everyone hurts me… except you, it's just life." He shrugged. "And … I get to do what I want sometimes." Iruma smiled. "Like help Lipton choose life."
Splat
Emily slowly turned with Iruma to the crushed body of Lyle Lipton. "… Of course no good deed goes unpunished." Iruma grumbled. After what felt like forever… Emily finally had a connection with Iruma… a real connection with him… He knew her name…. They cried together, and sang together. It was a slow start… but it was a start. She and Iruma would make it through this someday. And whatever demon had his soul… would pay dearly with the wrath of a million suns.
"Guess that's on us for not paying attention to Cletus's team or the Imps." She noted, turning to the angels that looked downright horrified.
"Ha, you fuckers killed him!" Blitz shouted. "We win, you lose!"
"Wait what?" Both she and Iruma tilted their heads.
"It… It wasn't our fault!" Cletus shouted. "These monsters started it!"
"Yes. You see-" Mox started. "Bliz ram out of ammo, and in a desperate-"
"Brilliant!"
"-Desperate attempt to not get shot with a very lethal holy weapon, threw his gun into the cherub's face, causing him to hit that magnetized crane cable."
"… Where did your shirt go?" Iruma questioned the shirtless and lipstick covered imp.
"Unimportant." Millie waved off, and going by her messy hair and clear lack of bra, indicated some… less than PG-13 action went on, making her all the more glad that she got to clear the air with Iruma in peace. "And now our job is done, and the man is going to hell."
"…. Wait, is he going to heaven or hell?" Iruma asked as the smushed body of the old man leaked everywhere. "I got confused where the argument was going."
"Straight down under." If there was any justice.
"This isn't over, you monsters!" Keene shouted as she opened a portal back to heaven. "You'll be hearing from our superiors!"
"Yeah, I'm so scared of your manager, I'm going to be pissing in my little hellboots." Blitz rolled his eyes. "Come on fam, we've spent enough time smelling this dead old when he was actually alive."
She saw the portal open, as the group slowly entered. Iruma took one last look at her. "… Goodbye … Emily." He slowly waved, before it closed.
"Goodbye… my son.." She let out a small wave and a tear watching him leave. He … he smiled … waved … he-
The three cherubs were slammed to the ground. "What!?" Cletus screamed in confusion.
"Yeah … no." She turned to see a group of cherubs led by … Deerie, right? Yeah, that was her name. "See, your actions resulted in the death of a human. I'm afraid you're banned from Heaven." They were what!? "Barring Emily of course."
"WHAT!?"
"Yeah, see, given that she's just an observer, she wasn't involved, but the records here show that you three actively contributed to said death, so we just can't have ya going back to the pearly gates don't ya know." Dearie looked like she was actually enjoying this way too much.
"Yo…you… you mean we're fallen!?" Keene shouted.
"Yeah … sorry … yeah."
Crack
Their halos … were cracked as they were taken away, wings becoming blackened. "No.. No… NOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Collin screeched into the air with an unholy cry.
"It's… it's that easy…." Emily winched as she saw the sight. One mistake… one mistake even completely by accident.. And these three were stricken from their title and rank… forever blocked out of paradise… just like Lucifer.
"Of course, Ms. emily. Killing a human soul is a big no no up above." Deerie said. "No chance of redemption, no second chances."
That….. That was so cruel…. And… callous… Was that why no one helped her with Iruma's case…. Because…they didn't care? "But it wasn't our fault!" Keene shouted. "It was those awful-" She pointed to where the imps were, only for nothing to be there.
"Emily, you can tell them!" Cletus shouted, desperation in his eyes. Emily didn't like how they constantly supplied support for a man that clearly didn't deserve it. Maybe.. Maybe if she spoke up for them they could….."We didn't kill him, it was the imps and that brat's fault!"
They … they were lumping Iruma with the blame!? After HE did their job for them!? She…she couldn't let this slide… she couldn't let this uncaring nature towards her boy go unpunished …. For the first time in her life … in her existence … Emily lied. "I saw no demons today. It was a holy arrow that made the car fly off into Lyle Lipton."
"WHAT!?"
"Wow, accusing a Seraphim of lying. And here I thought you guys had some class." Deerie scoffed. "If yall could be double fallen, then you'd be the first examples of such. Such a waste." They turned back to the portal. "Come along, Miss Emilly, we mustn't stay in the presence of such unholy creatures for too long."
Emily flew inside, ignoring the cries of those who saught wrong … and ignoring the weird feeling within her own wings.
Blitz grinned as he sat down, sipping his coffee. "Another job well done boys and girls. Another job well done." Complications, sure. But nothing the Immediate Murder Professionals couldn't rise up against. "Kid, I hope you learned a valuable lesson from all of this."
"You mean like if I try to do some good, you'll always be there to smash it into paste?" The kid stared back blankly.
"Knew you had a brain in ya." Blitz ruffled Iruma's head.
"… At least you have cake." The kid nodded as he took a bite.
"Aw, don't let the big boss man get to you too much kiddo." Mille patted him on the shoulder. "I know today was stressful, but I'm proud that ya stuck to ya guns the way you did. You're livin in hell and you're not changing for anybody. That alone proves above all elese, ya got the guts and the integrity to stand your ground."
"Thank you." The kid responded while eating his food with a slightly larger smile than usual, almost like he was beaming.. "So, we done for the day?"
"Pretty much." Mox noted. "We killed the client … well, the angels did, but the point stands he's dead as asked."
"Yeah, and he's gonna be tortured by his former best friend/business partner for all of eternity." Blitz grinned. "Brings me back to very fond times. And now I don't have to explain to Goopa that I've already spent the money he paid in advance on this thing." He held up a little horse figurine of majanone.
"Why would spending the money matter? He's dead either way." Mils questioned. "… Also that better not be comin out of our paychecks, cause I still need ta crack your skull for a few grievances."
"Uh…" On one hand, that would be super hot. On the other, he had no explanation… wait, the world was shakin. "Duck and cover everyone, there's another hellquake forming!"
"Not this time!" Moxie moved out of the way where his seat was. "Good, I'll be safe here."
"Hold on." Iruma pulled Moxxie by the horn and pulled him three feet more to the left. "Now you're safe."
CRASH
Two escalator's came down, both in the places Moxxie was before.
"Bliiitz!" Shouted Loopty. "I've come to thank you for reuniting me with my old chum!"
"Huh?" Millie raised an eyebrow in confusion as the second escalator moved down, revealing a familiar looking roundish sinner with a wheel that took up most of his body. "Lyle Lypton? I thought you two hated each other?"
"Hated?! Of course not!" Loopty waved off. "We made a pact that if one of us ended up in hell, we'd bring the other down with them by any means necessary!"
"Oh you old chum, I knew it was only a matter of time!" The old fucker laughed. "I thought I'd have to end myself before you got to me!"
"As if I'd let you go down THAT easily, you son of a bitch!"
"So you did get sent to hell?" Iruma asked.
"Of course, sweatshop child! You don't make billions in robotics and engineering by NOT experimenting on the poor!" Lyle cackled.
"Wow… no wonder Emily got so mad." Iruma grumbled. "Seriously, how was I not working under these guys when I was alive?"
"… So are you gonna pay for the walls?" Blitz asked.
"Hah, that's a riot, you're hilatious, Blitz!" Loopty cackled.
"I wasn't joking." Now these people were getting on his nerves.
"I suppose the only thing left is to figure out where two old genius inventors can get work in hell." Lyle pondered
"You could start by fixing up the wall, inventors."
"Did I hear, did I hear someone say inventors?" A hick voice called, breaking down another wall.
"Come on, fuckers!" He screamed.
"Wally Wackford here-" The imp paused, glaring at the blue haired boy. "Yooouuu."
"Buzz off, jerk!" Iruma grabbed the tv, and threw it at the imp's head.
"Oh no you don't!" He ducked. "I came prepared with a secret weapon!" He shouted, slamming down a … kennel.
"…" Iruma stared in confusion as it was opened. "Was that supposed to-"
"Rabbid Weasel go!" The rabbid creatures walked out…
CHOMP
And bit Wackford in the face. "AGGG! I say I say, you're suppose to be attacking the little fucker-OW!"
"This is for hurting my tot!" Millie growled as she shoved the hick imp out the hole the lead outside.
"I say I say I swear vengeance on all of yoooooooo—-!"
"… I honestly can't tell what's worse between heaven and hell." Iruma deadpanned.
"Life sucks." Loona shrugged. "Why would the afterlife be any different?"
"Valid argument."
