If I was the greatest thing that happened to you, would you know it?

If my love was like a flower, would you plant it, would you grow it?

I might give you all my body, are you strong enough to hold it?

If I show you all my demons

And we dive into the deep end

Would we crash and burn like every time before?

I would tell you all my secrets

Wrap your arms around my weakness

If the only other option's letting go

I'll stay vulnerable

- Vulnerable, Selena Gomez


"You look like a stray cat," A ginger haired girl mused, sipping the coffee while watching Dawn clean the counter. "Like you have been in a million fights."

Dawn wanted to laugh but just rolled her eyes instead,"Thanks, Misty. As if I didn't already know."

Misty put down the coffee mug,"Still as crass as ever."

"Are you here to just irritate me or something?" Dawn walked to the door and flipped the sign, signalling that her shop was open. "I haven't slept properly in months."

"Why?"

Why? As if Dawn could ever answer why. Because every night his thoughts and his smile and his eyes kept her awake? Or how her love for him was blooming in her lungs and wanted to gnaw out, killing her in the process?

"Just... Things been difficult, you know," Dawn paused, measuring what to say,"With managing the shop and keeping tabs on my mother." Lies slipped so skillfully from her tongue that she herself was surprised.

"Your mother will be fine," Misty said, giving her a reassuring smile,"Its just another of her tours. She will be back soon."

Dawn didn't want her mother to be back so soon. That would lead to long conversations about what she was doing with her life and how she was and why she was coughing up petals. She had answers for none of them.

"Aren't you gonna be late for class?" Dawn asked, diverting the topic. The more Misty pressed, the more difficult it will be for her to just not say what's on her mind. She can't. She just can't.

"The boys can wait for a bit," Misty grumbled, pressing her face against the cool table top,"Professor Oak can manage if I am five minutes late."

Dawn couldn't help but laugh,"Tough luck with Ash and Paul as teachers?"

She could see Misty roll her eyes and grinned even more,"Paul is fine. He is quick and straightforward. Ash on the other hand-"

Her ears perked up at his name. "What?"

"He is just- I don't know how to put it," Misty threw her hands up in defeat,"Does things a little different from how I do and it drives me crazy sometimes."

"Like?"

Dawn wondered if her curiousity was going to give Misty ideas. But these little snippets about his life made her feel closer to him. She laughed internally at the idea.

"He doesn't work full time, right?" Dawn asked again, on seeing Misty silent. The girl just silently nodded.

"Something is up with him," Misty finally broke the ice," I think he has taken up smoking. I can smell the nicotine on him sometimes."

Dawn sighed. She knew. She knew since the day when he walked into her shop and sat at his usual place and ordered a coffee. He used to smell like wild flowers, mostly because his mother owned a small flower shop. But ever since then, she could find a hint of burnt smoke and a distinct pungent stink on him. As if he had been smoking for decades.

She wanted to laugh. Or cry. This wasn't the guy who used to joke about narcotics back in college with her. Things change. People change too. And she didn't like it one bit. But there was nothing she could do about it except comment on rare occasions.

But what obligation did he have towards her to quit smoking just because she said so? Being best friends isn't much of a leverage.

It also didn't help that she sometimes wanted to lit up one cigrette and see what the fuss was all about. Wouldn't it be just another thing which brought her closer to him? And if, what if, the smoke would choke the flower in her lungs? A girl could dream, couldn't she?

"And he is applying for some other job, last time I checked," Misty stood up, gathering her belongings.

"Where?"

"I don't know. I don't even know if that's true." She shoved her cardigan into her backpack and slung it over her shoulder, "I thought you'll know. You're one of his closest friends, aren't you?"

She is. She definitely is.

And he is the object of her affection. Her love. Her death.

"He's busy with stuff, he rarely visits now."

"He's outside though. I have to leave Dawnie. Work calls."

"Sure," Dawn's head whipped up towards the door, paying zero attention to Misty leaving. Her eyes followed the raven haired man as he entered the shop, her heart fluttering at his mere sight. He looked...so peaceful and calm and it made her heart ache and long at the same time.

"I am craving some whiskey," Ash sat on the stool near the counter she had just cleaned,"But I have kindergarteners to teach in an hour so just give me coffee Dawnie?"

She laughed,"What's gotten you so riled up in the morning?" Dawn began preparing his coffee, her heart blooming in his presence.

He always looked so good in black. And his eyes.

Oh god his eyes. She forgot how much calm those were. One look and she knew she could spend her life staring at him. His long eyelashes, his little smile, the way his eyebrow rises when he is contemplating something. Learning him was her favourite hobby.

"Well, I love those kids but I dread it too," He sighed,"I forget how loud they can get sometimes."

Dawn passed him his coffee and slid a freshly baked cookie towards him, smiling,"Is that why you're looking for a new job?"

"Nah," he bit into the cookie and Dawn wanted nothing more than to press a kiss on his forehead. "Just looking for something permanent."

"Even if it takes you out of town?"

She hated how her heart ached at those words. Him, leaving? Ouch.

He just threw her a lopsided grin,"I will visit you every week. If I leave, I'm ain't going far away."

Dawn could feel a cough rising and her grip on the counter increased. This fucking couldn't happen to her now..not when he was there, right infront of her.

"Oh?" She said through the burning sensation in her lungs,"What will you do when you get a girlfriend? She will be mad."

"You are my best friend," Ash shoved the whole cookie in his mouth,"Nothing can change that."

Dawn laughed. Best friends. Yeah. Nothing could change that. It was written in stone, wasn't it? Her and him. Best friends. Forever and always. Nothing could rewrite it, not even her love for him. Not even if she dies for him.

"And here I thought you will be forever single, Baka-Ash," Dawn teased. "Wanna grab dinner tonight? Around 7?"

He looked apologetic. "I have plans with someone else. Sorry Dawnie. Tomorrow or this Sunday?"

Dawn wanted to ask who he had made plans with. She didn't though. She just said okay to tomorrow and waved him goodbye.

She wasn't entitled to his time. She knew that. He was like a hurricane, coming in whenever he pleased and left her mourning and weeping and craving him in his wake. But he didn't owe her anything. Not when he didn't even know she wanted him.

Not when he didn't even know this love was killing her.

Ironic? Wasn't it? Dawn wondered about this a lot. Wasn't love supposed to be her warmth, her solace, her peace? Her reason to hold on? Wasn't love supposed to give her the strength to be brave even in the darkest situations?

Sometimes she wondered if she should tell him. How her heart ached for him. How much she savoured their morning coffee routines. How she made sure she always baked some cookies just for him. How much love and admiration and longing she had for him. Since the first time she saw him at the anime convention three years ago, she knew he would be someone important in her life. Her love for him wasn't sudden. It slowly grew when they learned about each other's favourite hobbies and shared their favourite songs. It grew when he was there while her mother had to leave frequently because of her work. It grew when she found him working his best towards his finals. It grew when she found him silently play his games and destroy the opponents.

But ever since their first meeting, she knew he would be a big part of her life. She didn't know when she fell for him or why this hanahaki had started spreading its roots 9 months back. All she knew was she was madly on love with him and he didn't know.

She couldn't tell him. What if she lost him as a friend too?

She tried her best to let the feeling burn. Forget about him and just focus on being friends. Heck she even tried to cut contacts to allow the love to die but the more she tried to strangle it, the more the thorns pricked her palm and made her bleed. And she thought that maybe she could just love him from a distance, because having him as a friend was better than not having him at all. It ached, crushed and shattered her soul to even try to forget him.

How can she love someone so much to the point of her own destruction but not love herself enough to stop? She had to stop loving him.

Her knuckles turned white with how tight she was gripping the counter top and felt the same acid reflex making its way up to her mouth. She had to stop loving him before this stupid disease took her life.

But could she really give him up? How could she forget the way he makes her laugh and just knows what to say. He knew her so well, her preferences, her disdain for capsicums, her melancholia. He knew her in a way no one did. Losing him was like losing a part of her.

Could she really let go a part of her?

She laughed at the irony. Oh. It was either that or lose herself completely.

She didn't know which option scared her more.


Hello there.

I had such a shitty day at work but tomorrow is gonna be an eventful day. forgot how cruel I can be at times. Does he deserve it though? Absolutely. Work place hierarchy when your senior is shit is another kind of pain.

So, time to do what I do best. Shoot to kill.

~darkestlightofhope