Jennie
I'm trying my best to get in some last-minute studying at the dining table, but I doubt I'll be able to get much done with the amount of noise Helen is making in the kitchen. William was unable to get more time off work and I guess he's also worried about the medical bills he'll now have to pay for, so he's gone back to Woodstock. Without him here, Helen seems to unravel even more.
She's been acting weird with me lately, and I can't blame her. She tries so hard to act like nothing is wrong, but I know she blames herself for what's happening with Rosé. She's been avoiding me and every time we speak her replies are short. She's alienating me slowly but surely, and even though it kills me, I'm not even mad about it. I understand where she's coming from, and I hope with time things will get better.
I rise to my feet and walk into the kitchen. Helen seems to be reorganizing our cupboards and I can't help but frown. Lisa and I spent ages putting things in the right place in a way that made sense to us both.
"Hey," I murmur.
She looks up, her expression guarded. "Jennie," she says, and my stomach twists painfully. She only ever used to call me by my name when I was in trouble, but nowadays it's all she'll call me. I wonder if I'll ever hear her call me Nini again.
"What are you doing?" I ask. She smiles and stares at the mess she made. "I just needed something to do. Besides, I can't find anything in these cupboards. My girl clearly has no idea how to organize her kitchen."
I bite down on my lip and nod tersely. Her messing up my organizational system is the least of my worries. "Let me help you," I offer.
Helen shakes her head and puts down a jar with googly eyes on it. "No need, Jennie," she says, sighing. She leans back against the kitchen counter and looks away. "I've actually been meaning to talk to you," she says, looking grim.
I nod and turn the kettle on to make some tea. She's been pacing around me in circles for days now, and she's been looking at me like she has something to say. I knew it was only a matter of time.
"I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think your presence is helping Rosé's recovery. I've heard the arguments the two of you have had, and I think you being here is keeping Rosé from wanting to get better."
I stare at Helen in disbelief, my heart breaking. She blames me. She didn't say it outright, but she does.
Helen inhales deeply and looks down at her feet. "Rosé is right. The way I've been treating you… it isn't right. I've often put you before my own daughter and I never should have done that. It should've been Rosé I taught how to bake and it should've been her going on every errand with me. You're a lovely child, Jennie… but you aren't mine. I was trying so hard to make you feel at home with us I didn't realize I was hurting my daughter. In part, the way I was treating you led her to do what she did."
I blink in confusion and move through the kitchen on auto-pilot, just wanting something to do. I make two cups of tea, unable to keep myself from trembling.
"When you and Lisa started dating, I should've thought of what it would do to Rosé. I shouldn't have given you two my blessing blindly. I should've checked up on her to see how she was taking the news. I should have been understanding of her feelings about you two. I won't make that mistake again."
I take a sip of my tea and scald my tongue, but it doesn't hurt anywhere near as much as my bleeding heart. "What are you trying to say, Helen?" I ask, willing myself to stay strong.
She shakes her head and sighs. "You and Lisa aren't children anymore, Jennie. I can't forbid you two dating. All I can ask for now is that you consider taking a break. Give Lisa a chance to be there for her family, instead of being caught between you and Rosé. Her attention should be on Rosé, but it's you she checks up on when she comes home. Please, Jennie, give Rosé a chance to get better. Just seeing you puts her on edge. I just want her to focus on getting better. I just want my daughter to be happy again. I want to see her smile, Jennie, and she won't do that as long as you're around."
I can barely comprehend what she's saying. She wants Lisa and me to take a break? From our relationship?
"If nothing else, please consider moving out temporarily. I don't think seeing you every day is good for Rosé. I know Lisa would never dare say this to you, but I'm certain she agrees. It's obvious you're holding Rosé's recovery back."
A lone tear drops down my cheek, and I wipe it away furiously. Helen's expression wavers for a second, but then she shakes her head.
"Where would I even go, Helen? This is my home now."
Helen nods in understanding and grabs her bag. She takes out a credit card and holds it out to me. "Just find some other apartment. I understand a lot of students do house-sharing. I'm sure it won't take you too long to find something. I'll pay for it until you can get back on your feet. I'm sorry, Jennie. I don't want to have to ask you this, but I need to put my family first. Besides, this apartment is Lisa's. It's her home, not yours."
Her words hit me right where they hurt most. I glance at the credit card she's handing me and shake my head.
"Please give me some time to think about it."
Helen takes the card back and nods tersely. "I hope you'll make the right decision, Jennie. We're all to blame here, and we all need to work to set things right."
I nod and flee to our bedroom. At least during the day, I get it to myself. I glance at Rosé, who's leaning against the wall in the hallway. She grins at me wickedly. "I told you it wouldn't take long. Mom is starting to see you for who you are, huh? Didn't even take as long as I expected. I'm glad even she doesn't want you here. Finally, she's putting me first. I doubt you'll be able to make the right choice, though. I can't wait for Mom to realize how fucking selfish you are."
I ignore her as best as I can and rush into my bedroom. I lie down on the bed and burst into tears, trying as hard as I can to remain quiet. What did I do for Rosé to hate me as much as she does? Is loving Lisa truly such a crime?
I don't know how long I've been crying when strong arms wrap around me. Lisa envelops me in her arms and I turn around to bury my face in her neck. She caresses my hair gently until my sobs die down. I barely manage to tell her about my conversation with Helen without bursting into tears again. Lisa kisses my forehead and shakes her head.
"You're not going anywhere, baby. If it comes down to it we'll move out together, okay? Don't take her words to heart. I want you here. I need you here. I'll talk to her, all right?"
I close my eyes and nod, but my resolve is wavering. I'm starting to think Helen and Rosé are right. But even if they aren't, I don't see a way forward. Things will never be what they used to be again.
