Jennie
Lisa is quiet as she drives me to the airport. She looks as heartbroken as I feel, but we both know what we're doing is for the best. We never should've gotten together. We both knew we'd cause heartache if we did, but we underestimated just how much. If we hadn't crossed that line, then she and I would still be in each other's lives, and I wouldn't be losing her. Maybe Rosé wouldn't have done what she did, and maybe she and I would've been okay. I know our friendship wasn't in a good state, but maybe some distance and some boundaries would've helped.
"Jennie, are you sure about this?" she asks. I nod, unable to voice the words.
"If you get on that plane today, you and I are over. We'll be done. I won't chase after you, and I won't wait for you to come back. I'll move on with my life. Is that what you want?"
Lisa looks desperate as she says it, and she knows full well that she's hitting me right where it hurts the most. I know she's desperate for me to change my mind. The mere idea of her moving on with someone else kills me. The future I envisioned with her will belong to some other girl someday. Eventually she'll become someone else's girlfriend, and someday she'll probably become someone else's wife. She'll probably have a wife that'll have everything I've ever wanted. She'll have Helen as a doting mother-in-law and Rosé as her sister. She'll become part of a household that'll always make her feel included and loved. But most of all, she'll have Lisa… body, heart and soul.
"I'm trying to do the right thing, Lisa. This isn't what I want," I whisper. "What I want is you. But more importantly, I want you to be happy. I know you think you and I could be happy together despite everything that's happened, but we couldn't be. You might not admit it to yourself, but part of the reason you loved me was because of how well I fit into your family. Some of our best memories include your parents and your sister."
I don't know how to explain to her how I'm feeling. I hate that she's now blaming me, too. For leaving her. For not fighting for us.
"Do you really think we'd be okay if Rosé never got better, because I was always there to take the blame every time she relapsed? Do you think you could still love me if, day by day, you lose a little bit more of your sister? Do you think I could live with myself? What about your parents? Would they ever accept us being together knowing how much suffering we've caused?"
Lisa is quiet as she parks the car. She won't even look at me as she takes my luggage out of the trunk.
"Say something," I whisper. Lisa looks at me, her eyes filled with the same sorrow I'm feeling.
She puts my suitcase down and threads her hands through my hair. "Part of me is hoping you'll change your mind, and another part of me knows that we're doomed even if you do. I hate feeling this helpless… this heartbroken. Jennie, despite everything, you're still the girl I want to marry someday. I think you'll always be that to me. I can't help but blame my sister, and even my mother, for taking you away from me. For ruining the best thing I've ever had. And I don't want to do that. I want to be there for them and I want to help Rosé get better, but how do I do that knowing she's the reason you left me?"
I hug her and inhale deeply, trying my best to keep my emotions in check. "It's not just her, Lisa. They're not the only reason I'm leaving. The whole thing with Rosé made me realize I haven't been living the life I envisioned for myself. I always wanted to study abroad and travel across Europe. I want to see the Eiffel Tower and the canals in Amsterdam. There's so much I've always wanted to do, yet I sidelined my dreams to follow Rosé's dreams instead. She was right when she said I was trying to live her life, and I'm done doing that. I want to know what it's like to stand on my own two feet. I need to learn to be my own person, and not just the dependent girl I've become. This distance… it'll give me a chance to pursue my own dreams, and it'll give Rosé what she needs the most right now. It'll be a clean break for the two of us, too. We won't be able to stay away if I'm nearby, and we both know we should."
Lisa sighs and kisses me with the same desperation I'm feeling. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave her. But I know it's what's best for both of us. If I stay, we'll only end up resenting each other. Rosé is right… if I stay, eventually she'll start to blame both me and herself for the ruin of her family. We'd never recover from that. I'd rather leave while we still have so many good memories together. I'd rather leave while Helen still treats me civilly. The Manoban's have done so much for me over the years, this is the least I can do to repay them. They were the family I never had, and thanks to them I had a childhood I can look back on fondly. But they aren't my family, and the right thing to do now is to take a step back.
"Someday," Lisa says. "Someday we'll find our way back to each other, and when we do, I won't let anyone stand in our way again. I know this is the right choice now, but I can't imagine a future without you. I never believed in fate, but if it exists, I know it'll lead me straight back to you."
I smile up at her and nod. "Maybe someday, if the time is right."
I pull away from Lisa when my dad pulls up at the airport. He looks devastated as he approaches me and wraps her arms around me. "Are you sure you want to go?" he asks me, and I nod.
"I am, Daddy."
He hugs me tightly and then lets me go, placing his hands on my shoulder. "I love you, Jennie. I'll support you with whatever choice you want to make. I'll be here, okay? If you don't like it there, and you want to come home, just call me, okay?"
I smile at and rise to my tiptoes to kiss her cheek. "Yes, Dad, I will."
I glance at Lisa one more time, trying my best to memorize her just as she is right now, and then I turn and walk away, leaving the two people I love most staring after me.
I hope I'm making the right choice for everyone, because it sure doesn't feel right. I guess rather than making the right choice, I'm making the only choice that's available to me. To us.
I hope time might mend my broken heart and set right the wrongs Lisa and I unknowingly caused. I hope Rosé gets better and I hope Helen will one day retrieve the smile I've always loved. I hope Lisa will eventually be happy, and I hope a little part of her will always love me.
Hope. It's all I've got left.
END OF BOOK II
