"Don't be ridiculous, Cassidy. Andrea is in this house. Her coat and boots are still here, and all her things." That was Miranda's voice and I don't think I've ever heard her sound like that. Panicked, hollow, and with a catch, as if her voice would break at any point.
"All right. We'll look again." Cassidy or Caroline stomped off, and I hugged the pillow and wanted to melt into the thick carpet. I felt bad for worrying Miranda, but I had tried to talk to her numerous times during the day. I had whispered my, "Please, Miranda. What's wrong?" several times, and she had acted as if I hadn't said anything at all. Yes, I knew we were at work and it wasn't an optimal location to tend to personal matters, but she hadn't refused to talk to me before. In fact, she had initiated caresses and said things that certainly had nothing to do with Runway, many times.
It wasn't because I was being vengeful that I hid and curled up around the pillow. I honestly didn't know what to do. The girls were home. There was no way we could discuss anything before they'd gone to bed. If Miranda had gotten a grip of herself and was prepared to level with me. I feared what she might end up telling me, but I'd rather have it out in the open than this torment.
New steps in the corridor and this time it wasn't any of the twins stomping. It was the softer, rapid steps belonging to their mother. The woman I loved, who had retreated behind a thick, impenetrable wall throughout the day. Like I didn't matter after all. I tried to tell myself I was blowing things out of proportions, that she still loved me, but I also trusted my gut. My intuition told me that something had shifted, and this could only mean that things between Miranda and me were not the same, right? How else was I supposed to interpret this silent-treatment-on-speed?
The door went up and I heard soft, gasping breaths.
"Andrea?" Miranda said quietly. Was that dread in her voice? Was she truly afraid? Why? I really didn't want to respond. I wanted to roll in under the bed and just stay there until they all left the house for work and school in the morning. I knew, of course, that I'd never do something like that. I heard that Miranda was upset, and I had never been deliberately cruel.
"I'm here," I managed to croak, my vocal cords raw from crying.
Quick footfalls whispered against the carpet as Miranda hurried into the room and rounded the queen-sized bed. I didn't look up or say anything. At least she knew where I was.
"Andrea!" Miranda fell to her knees next to me. "What are you doing here? What…" She tugged me up and into her arms. "Are you all right? Why are you here—?"
"Mom? Did you find her? But I looked in here…" One of the twins was at the door.
"Bobbsey. Andrea's not feeling well. I need to talk to her. Why don't you go down and put away the food, all right? Use the Tupperware."
"But Mom…" The little girl sounded stunned. "Is Andy upset?" A brief pause. "Did you do this?" The tone wasn't accusing, merely exasperated.
"I'll talk to you later. We both will," Miranda said and perhaps the tears in her voice were enough to make the stubborn girl, probably Cassidy, understand her mother meant what she said.
"Okay, Mom. We'll put away the food. We'll be in Caro's room later. Come find us." Cassidy sounded so much like a mini-Miranda right then. She left the room and I heard the door close behind her
Unable to move, I tried to muster enough strength to at least move up into a sitting position—and preferably put a little bit of distance between us. Miranda clearly would have none of that. She stroked my messy hair from my face and looked down at my no doubt swollen eyes and red nose. My mascara had no doubt migrated to my neck.
"Dear God." Miranda moaned and wiped at my cheeks as if eradicating any trace of my tears would erase the hurt that caused them. "I…I did this. I know I did this."
I turned my head, feeling too exposed when she looked at me and buried my face into her chest.
"Andrea. I…I didn't realize. I swear I had no idea that you didn't understand—"
This ignited a little fire in my belly. "What was I supposed to understand?" I pushed away from her, but she held me firmly enough to keep me in her arms. "Just tell me, Miranda, because I can't fucking understand a single thing. I knew I must've screwed up something important, but since you couldn't be bothered to tell me, I have had to guess. All fucking day, Miranda!" I pushed my index finger into the mattress behind her. "All. Fucking. Day! Didn't you notice all the times I tried to talk to you? How freaked out I was?"
"Yes. I did. I…wasn't ready. I needed to think." Miranda was nearly as white as the sheet behind her.
"Think about what?" I raised my voice, but also dared to meet her gaze for the first time since she entered the room. She looked devastated. Where her eyes had been opaque and distant all day, looking at me as if I was furniture, they were now red-rimmed, and tear-filled. Miranda's mascara had smudged too, and I understood that not finding me in the house truly did a number on her. I couldn't take any satisfaction in that she too suffered, no matter how I ached. No matter what, I would never want to hurt her back on purpose.
"During our meeting with Cindy Caulder, I realized that loving you is selfish. Tying you to me, is cruel and will deprive you of your life. The life you are meant to have as a young woman starting out. Carving a future for herself." Miranda was shaking, and I could see her torment was on par with my own.
"But we love each other." I tried to grasp what she was saying. "This is love, Miranda. We both said it and we can't take it back. You said so, we said so."
"Yes, but—"
"Is this because I turned down a cool offer from Cindy? Did that make you think I would lose all my professional opportunities because of you?" I rubbed my temple and had to lean my aching head against Miranda's chest for a moment.
"It's not just her. Even if our feature editor doesn't know how deep our relationship is, your close connection with me hasn't gone unnoticed, and that made Irv try to screw you over through her. And ultimately it was aimed at me, which is secondary. The thing is, I have enemies and when people find out about us, they will be your enemies as well, by default."
"Those are two occasions. Two! Out of a lifetime. How could you spin such a tale and not talk to me? All this talk about us being equal in all things that matter. Then you go and give me the silent treatment and decide to not only withdraw your love...but also the life you promised me."
"Excuse me?" Miranda grew rigid, just like I knew she would. "What did I promise?"
"That we would talk. That it was us against the world—you, me, and the girls. We would tackle all the points on my fucking list, and we would do it together." I sobbed out of fury and sadness. "You just erased all that? Did you really? Were you truly able to? I know you. It must have torn you up…shredded your heart. So, you hurt us both."
Miranda pressed her lips together, but new tears welled up and ran down her cheeks. "You matter the most to me. I can't be responsible for you missing—"
"—on your love? Of us being together as a family? Of being allowed to love you, touch, and make love to you—and call you mine? All of that truly matters to me and it'll break my heart if you made this insane decision permanent. That would be my life then, missing all that." I tilted my head and managed to sit up more so I wouldn't crush her. She made a gesture as if to pull me back, but I held up my hand and she flinched but relented.
"I do love you, Andrea. I will always love you." Miranda quickly wiped at her cheeks. "You know that, right?"
"I do." It was true. I did. I had no idea what she would do with that love, though.
"You said no so readily to a chance of a lifetime, this morning." Miranda tugged at her sleeves and then folded her arms and hugged herself. "All I could think was, if that offer had come before there was an us, you would have jumped at the opportunity."
"Not likely," I said. Cindy only has a plan, nothing tangible, unless you can persuade the board of directors to fall in line. I wouldn't have accepted a 'maybe' job like that, even if I hadn't been in a relationship with you. I would want something more solid. I have rent to pay."
"Really?" Without her usual scathing tone, the word came out tinged with a dreadful kind of hope.
"Yes."
"Have I destroyed everything, Andrea?" Miranda looked ill. As far as I knew, she hadn't eaten since lunch. My stomach had been in knots all day, and now I was trembling.
"I thought I had somehow." I rose onto my knees and pulled Miranda with me. She looked to small, too lost on the floor and my heart couldn't take it. "I wasn't sure in what way I screwed up so badly, but I had a few things to choose from, so I was convinced it was all my fault."
"It was mine. Mine," Miranda said and wept quietly.
That was it. I couldn't allow this woman who normally held her emotions in such a tight, unyielding grip, to fall to emotional rock bottom like this. I knew in my heart that only the girls and I knew the real Miranda. She guarded herself as if she needed to be a fortress with a drawbridge over a moat, to survive. This Miranda, dissolved into a river of tears, easily matched where I was when I hid in this room.
I pulled her into my arms and rocked her. Whatever had been spoken or unspoken, this was the woman I love, and she had managed to disqualify herself from my life without a second thought. If I wanted to change it back to where we were, or at least to a degree, I had to hold on to her. I had to make her understand that I wasn't going to break easily, even if I came close today.
Miranda didn't move at first, but then her arms came up around my neck and she murmured my name over and over. She, who never apologized for anything to a degree where her reputation depended on it, now murmured the same words over and over.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, darling. I'm sorry." Miranda pressed her face into my shoulder. "Please, I'm sorry."
"Shh." I tipped her head back and kissed her lips. She tasted of her tears, but she returned the kiss.
Stroking my hair, she examined my face in detail, as if she needed to make sure it was really me, or something.
"I'm an idiot too," I offered when her tremors started to subside.
"What?" Miranda looked startled.
"I should've just pulled you into your fancy private bathroom and locked the door. I should have forced you to communicate and put a stop to this right away. You can't underestimate me like this again—and I can't allow you to get away with silent treatment. It's honestly the worst." I kissed her again. "And…and I have to start working on my list. This meltdown was because I thought I lost you, but it was also because of everything else. My parents. Lily. The birthmark. Your ex. It all piled up, I suppose."
Miranda looked like she began to understand. "For me too, don't you think?" She hesitated. "As I was the one ruining our day, and jeopardizing our future, I shouldn't really have the gall to make demands, or have requests…but please, darling, don't run and hide ever again. You scared me, but mostly, you scared the girls." She didn't take her eyes off mine.
"I promise." It was easy to promise, as I felt childish and stupid in retrospect. "It's scary what rampaging emotions and panic can do to a person. All I could think was that my meltdown couldn't happen in front of your girls. They were so happy to be home. I had to find somewhere to get it out of the way, but it was a lot more than I realized. I didn't know I fell asleep."
"I see." Miranda kissed me harder this time. "Our girls can handle our tears if we explain to them, don't you think?"
I swear my heart stopped. My breathing caught in my throat, and I still managed to gasp. The new onslaught of emotions hovered at the gate to my heart, and if this was Miranda misspeaking, I didn't want to let the joy through before I knew.
"What is it?" Miranda looked worried.
"You said…" I cleared my throat as I tried to sound casual and failed gloriously. "You said 'our girls'." I studied her with fear and hope fighting for space in my chest. Something told me it was reflected on my face.
Miranda considered my words for a moment and then, finally, she smiled that smile. My very own, private, Miranda-smile. "Of course, I did. We're going to be a family, right?"
Her words made me so happy, but even more so, the way she said it with such confidence, like she trusted that my feelings were true and not subject to change.
"Right. Absolutely." I hugged her again.
"Then why don't you take pity on my old knees so we can get off the floor and go down and talk to the girls?" Miranda pushed off the bed and stood on wobbly legs, grimacing.
I rose to my feet as well. "Wait, you mean talk, talk to them? Like coming out? About us?"
"Yes. Talk-talk. About us. They know a lot already. They're clever girls." Miranda took my hand. "What do you say?"
"Just give me a chance to fix my face. I don't want to scare them."
"Good idea. Let's go down to our room." Miranda pulled me along and I followed her gladly.
The twins sat on Caroline's bed and held each other's hands. I had seen them do that a few times over the years, when they'd been truly upset. I saw that Miranda had noticed it as well.
"I'm sorry I hid when I was upset." I knew it was up to me to start. I could see Cassidy look at her mother with, not anger, but some resentment. She was always the tougher of the twins. She defended her sister at Daltons if she deemed it necessary. If the twins needed something, she was the one who called me. "Your mother and I haven't communicated very well today, so that is a good example that we adults screw up too."
"How much is screwed up?" Cassidy asked.
"It was a bit of a puzzle to solve it," I said since Miranda was still quiet. I tugged at her hand and indicated we should sit on the bed too and not hover over the girls. She nodded and sat down next to Caroline and wrapped her arm around her daughter. I sat down next to Cassidy and put my arm around her. At first, her narrow shoulders were rigid under my arm, but I rubbed her gently and pulled her close. Not sure how I dared, but I kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry, girls. We have talked it through, and even if I'm sure we're going to have to talk about it again, we know where we stand now."
"And where is that?" Caroline whispered, and I tried to picture the giggly girl who was in a bet with her sister about Miranda and me. The difference was staggering.
"I love Andrea," Miranda said succinctly. "You know we all have had a lot to deal with after the two divorces. I haven't always done so well. Today, I wasn't thinking clearly, and I made several mistakes that hurt Andrea's feelings. I have apologized, and since Andrea is who she is, she read me the riot act and then she hugged me."
"Have you forgiven Mom?" Cassidy asked and looked up at me.
"Yes. And I believe she has forgiven me for hiding. The question is, can you and your sister do the same? Forgive your mother and forgive me, for scaring you."
I could tell that Cassidy was about to hide behind her usual bravado and claim she hadn't been affected at all, but she surprised me. "Yeah," she said and sniffled. "We really like it when you're here."
"And you make Mom act more like…Mom." Caroline smiled now and I saw it reflected on Miranda's and Cassidy's faces. "You're really funny when you are with Andy, Mom."
"Well, then." Miranda wiped discreetly at a random tear. "Thank you. I'm proud of both of you for acting so mature, but I also know how intimidating it can be when grownups are not on the same page."
"We are where we're supposed to be now. Page-wise," I said. "When we add you to that same page, we'll have to go for a full spread. Like in Runway."
The girls giggled, and Miranda's eye roll healed all kinds of bruises on my soul.
"Good thing we're all in this together," Cassidy said. "We have to be smart. Dad was upset about something again and talked a lot to his lawyer in his office."
Miranda raised a hand to her forehead. "How do you know this, Cassidy?"
"I knew something was up, and I wanted to find out. I hid behind the settee. Dad said that he finally found the ammo he needed. I'm not sure what that means, but he's always horrible to you, Mom. It's not fun to be at his house, to be honest. Dad's always annoyed, and sometimes we feel sorry for Paula. We're not her kids, but she does her best. Do you think he only has us over to get back at you?"
Her face a mask of controlled Miranda tugged Caroline closer, and Cassidy threw her thin arms around her sister and mother. I sat there, furious at James, when Cassidy reached out and tugged at my wrist. I slid closer and added myself to the Priestly group hug. No matter what, I would help protect this unit, even if I suspected that I was the 'ammo' Miranda's ex was talking about.
I found Miranda's gaze over the two little redheads. "One good thing about ammo," I murmured. "It follows your am."
Miranda's lethal glare and firm nod proved that she indeed was on my page—and now we had to work together to put a stop to her ex-moron.
Continued in part 24.
