Chapter 26
Reality Check Pro Max Pt.2
A/N: Once again, written to the melodious songs of Ms. Swift, her songs really match the vibe of the story right now.
Hope you enjoy!
14th June, 1808
The Chapel,
Stanway House,
Gloucestershire
The wedding was beautiful. Niklaus had hosted the nuptials in his family chapel, to great consternation of his noble neighbours who were incensed that servant weddings were now taking place in family chapels of nobility, but Niklaus had never been one for convention.
Hosting the wedding at his estate allowed Alina to attend their wedding, which otherwise she doubted she would have been able to do. The Church looked beautiful in the morning sunlight that filtered through stained glass windows. Alina was keeping Sarah company in the foyer outside the main hall before the ceremony started. Sarah wore a dress gifted to her by Lady Fitzwilliam, a brilliant confection of pink fabric that went fabulously with her complexion.
'I'm so glad that you're here for my wedding', Sarah whispered, grasping Alina's hands in her own.
'I wouldn't have missed it for the world', Alina whispered back. 'And I believe I promised to attend the moment you told me about your nuptials.'
They both smiled at each other, recognising that this was goodbye.'I'll miss you a lot', Alina said. 'I wish you could have been there with me for my first season in London. You always know how to make me feel and look my best.'
'You better learn how to wipe your milk moustache', Sarah smiled teasingly. 'I don't think your new lady's maid will want to do it.'
'I'll just find a handsome husband to do it for me', Alina said conspiratally. 'I doubt he'll complain.'
'Oh hush', Sarah swatted her shoulder. 'You do say the most scandalous things.'
'Only because it's you, Sarah', Alina squeezed Sarah's hands. 'You were the best lady's maid and friend I could have wished for.'
'Don't make me cry', Sarah scolded. 'I don't want to meet my husband at the altar with red eyes.'
They were teasing each other, smiling and giggling as Sarah's father walked up to them. He bowed to Alina and she nodded in return. He handed Sarah a wooden frame, which she turned and showed to Alina.
Alina looked at it closely and she was shocked to discover that Sarah's family had framed the sketch of Sarah's brother that she had given to her for Christmas many moons ago. The sketch for which Lady Catherine had lambasted her to hell and back.
'I wanted to have James here with me on my wedding day', Sarah explained, her eyes wet. 'This was the perfect way.'
'Oh Sarah', Alina cried. 'It's a lovely gesture. I'm sure he's here with you in spirit as you begin your new life. I'm so happy that I could do this for you.'
'My Lady, the ceremony is about to start, you should take your seats', Sarah's father interrupted them.
'Of course', Alina agreed, sniffling. 'I'll see you inside, Sarah.'
She waved to Sarah and made her way inside the Church. Lady Fitzwilliam and Mrs. Harrington were sitting in one of the front pews on either side of Robert. Michelle sat next to her mother and Niklaus was standing at the end of the pew, discussing something with the priest who was to officiate the ceremony. He did a double take as Alina passed him and grabbed her wrist to stop her. 'Allie, are you well? Have you been crying?'
'I'm fine' Alina choked out. 'Please, don't talk to me.'
The priest chose this moment to make his exit. He patted Niklaus' shoulder before he left and Alina stared after him incredulously. She was crying, and Niklaus' shoulder was the one he chose to pat. Men! She turned to Niklaus as he began scolding her.
'Alina, you've been behaving like this ever since our, our, discussion in the library and I just cannot understand your behaviour', Niklaus snapped, raising his hand to run it through his hair and instead it banged against the hat he had clearly forgotten that he was wearing. 'You're my guest. Do you expect me to ignore you completely?'
'Yes', Alina whispered. 'That's what I need. I need some distance from you.'
'You'll have all the distance you want when you leave', Niklaus replied bitterly. 'I'll make sure to avoid you as much as possible without getting clobbered over the head by your mother for being rude when we're in London but here I cannot. Do you realise how it would look like for you if I ignored you here? The gossip that would follow?'
'I hate this', Alina said vehemently. 'And it's only going to get worse in London, isn't it? I'll have to speak to you, you're a close friend of the family after all. An earl and the heir to a dukedom on top of that! Ignoring you would only spell my social ruin, isn't that what you mean?'
'Alina', Niklaus gasped, shocked by the hate that filled her tone. 'Is this how it is going to be between us from now on? We can at least be civil to each other.'
'If I had my way, we wouldn't speak at all', Alina cried.
'Children', they were interrupted by Lady Fitzwilliam, who looked like she was seconds away from smacking both of them. 'Why are the both of you fighting in public, in a Church of all places? Have you lost your minds?'
Niklaus and Alina looked at each other in horror as they realised where they were standing and turned away from each other abruptly. Alina moved to take her seat between her mother and Robert. Alina said nothing while Niklaus murmured an apology to her mother.
'I must say', Robert said, adjusting his cravat as they waited for Sarah to arrive. 'This is a change of pace indeed, to see you both fighting thus. You're usually as thick as thieves. Who is responsible for this anomaly?'
'Shut up, Robert', Alina said tiredly, ignoring Niklaus' searching look in her direction. It was almost as if he was waiting to see what she would say. 'It's none of your business.' Niklaus shook his head at her response and turned to face the front.
'Be quiet, both of you', Alexandra muttered, annoyed beyond belief. 'It's starting.'
The guests turned back to see Sarah entering on the arm of her father. She smiled widely at their pew as she passed them, her brother's likeness cradled gently in her arms and mouthed a 'Thank You.'
'She is glowing', Alexandra said reverently. 'Is that how you're going to be on your wedding day, Linochka?' She looked at Alina fondly.
'I hope so, Mother', Alina replied and looked at Niklaus surreptitiously to see if he had any reaction to Alexandra's mention of her wedding. It was exceedingly stupid of her, but she hoped for a reaction nonetheless. He pointedly ignored them, gazing stoically at the front of the church, where Sarah now stood next to Frank as the priest began the ceremony.
The ceremony, though nothing different from the other wedding ceremonies they had attended, was deeply touching. Alina could feel her eyes fill with tears again when Sarah and Frank made their vows to each other. Before she could even open her reticule for a handkerchief, Niklaus held out one to her from Alexandra's other side.
'Thank you', Alina said grudgingly. She wiped her eyes and delicately blew her nose. She had wanted to refuse his handkerchief, but she knew that if she did that, her mother would have had her head. But she didn't want to accept his kindness either so she rummaged in her reticule for her clean handkerchief. 'Here, you can have mine until I return yours, after getting it cleaned, of course.' She held out her pretty floral hanky with her embroidered initials on it to Niklaus.
Niklaus looked rather taken aback at her unexpected gesture but accepted her handkerchief anyways, tucking it carefully in his pocket. 'Don't go giving your handkerchief to every man who offers you his', Robert whispered in her ear. 'You'll be besieged with inappropriate offers and marriage proposals. Ladies are not supposed to offer their hankies to gentlemen.'
'He's right', Alexandra added wryly.
'Do you want me to return it, Aunt Alexandra?' Niklaus grinned at her mother mischievously and Alina's heart clenched in her chest. She had been right, if she was to have any chance at forgetting her unrequited love for Niklaus, distance and minimal interaction were absolutely essential. 'One word from you and I'll give it back right this instant.'
'All of you are so dramatic', Alexandra sighed, fluttering her fan. 'Come children, let us go outside to greet the bride and groom.'
Later that evening,
The Gardens,
Stanway House
Alina wandered aimlessly through the gardens of Stanway House, her demeanour reeking of melancholy and heartbreak. The wedding had done nothing to help matters, instead only driven home the point that such a future, a one in which they were bound in holy matrimony, was not for her and Niklaus.
If she had possessed an ounce of the witchy powers that Lady Catherine had once accused her of having on account of her violet eyes, she would have snapped her fingers and teleported to MIlton Hall in an instant. Well, she sighed as she thought, at least she had the conversation with Sarah to look forward to. Though Robert had explained the act meticulously, his account of it had left her disgusted and terrified. She had wondered why women would choose to engage in such an unpleasant act in the first place. Perhaps Sarah could shed some light on the situation by offering them a different perspective, a female point of view if you will.
She was pulled from her reverie rather brutally when she crashed into a large and ornate chair, set in the middle of the orchard which she entered without realising. She grabbed back of the chair to stabilise herself with a loud grunt and then took a moment to catch a breath.
'Are you alright?' the occupant of the chair called out, his voice thin and shaky. Alina walked to face the person sitting in the chair and gasped as she saw the frail form of Sinclair Wentworth, the Duke of Albany and Niklaus' father slumped in the chair.
He smiled as he saw her, giving her a light nod as she immediately dropped into a deep curtsy.
'Your Grace', she greeted him, not meeting his eyes, suddenly nervous at meeting a Duke of all people!
'Rise child', the duke requested. 'Let me look at you.'
Alina rose, still not making eye contact as she ran her hands down her skirts as if to smooth away imaginary creases in the cloth.
'You're the Fitzwilliam girl, aren't you?' At Alina's puzzled expression, his smile widened into a grin, revealing a mouth full of white, shining teeth, a rarity for a man his age. 'I can tell from your eyes, your mother's eyes, if I recall correctly.'
'You know my mother?' Alina whispered.
'Yes, I do', the duke replied, seemingly lost in thought, perhaps in memories of years past. 'I was one of the suitors vying for her hand when she made her debut in London society but she didn't have eyes for anyone except your father.'
Alina blushed as the meaning of his words sank in. Surely, her mother's past courtships were not an appropriate topic of conversation between them!
'Well, maybe Niklaus will succeed where I failed', the duke said, his eyes shining with amusement. 'You've certainly kept him on his toes girl, you didn't reply to a single one of his letters! Might I ask why?'
'I beg your pardon, your grace but my parents forbade me to write to him', Alina said, her cheeks turning crimson in embarrassment. 'I didn't even know he had written to me until he visited us at MIlton.'
'Regardless', the Duke waved away her words dismissively. 'You do realise that you hurt him with your actions. He wandered around the house like a lost puppy when he wasn't outside labouring in the fields like a common farmer, instead of a marquess but then I suspect you already know of my son's proclivity for not acting as a man of his station should.'
'Niklaus is a credit to his title', Alina shot back hotly, her reticence forgotten. 'You do him a disservice if you imply otherwise.'
The Duke laughed at his impassioned defence of his son. 'I don't think I am in any position to criticise the boy, he has always been a better son to me, than I have been a father to him. He looks after everyone in his life, including me, when I have done very little to deserve his concern and care, and rarely puts himself first. But I think you know that as well.'
Alina nodded once but did not speak.
'He is a great man, and he will be a great duke once I die, but somehow he doesn't think so. His low opinion of himself, especially with a parent like me who thinks the world of himself, is beyond my comprehension.' At Alina's puzzled expression, he chuckled. 'I'm coming to the point, my dear. You see, I worry that he will never think himself worthy of the love of a good woman like yourself and instead settle for an odious woman like I did. He might even think he deserved everything such a woman would put him through. I merely don't want him to make the same mistakes as I did.'
'Have you spoken to him about this?' Alina asked, entraptured by the insight into Niklaus' mind that the Duke was offering her.
'He doesn't respect me enough to take my advice seriously', the Duke explained. 'It is not his fault, I have never acted responsibly as a father.' His eyes twinkled as he looked at Alina. 'Maybe you could get through to him, succeed where I failed.'
'Why do you think he would listen to me?' Alina rubbed her forehead in agitation. Niklaus was years older than she was, with considerably more experience in the ways of the world. Why would he listen to a sixteen year old girl? The point was moot because they weren't even speaking.
'I have a feeling', the Duke replied, his eyes twinkling with mischief. 'Besides, I do think that you would make a splendid addition to the family.'
'Please, Your Grace', Alina frowned, annoyed beyond belief. 'I fail to understand why everyone is intent on getting me married to the men of their choice, when the men in question have never expressed any intentions towards me. I want a man who tells me he wants me, and besides, your son has already rejected me quite soundly!'
Alina made a low curtsy before saying, 'I must bid you farewell, Your Grace, my mother awaits.'
The Duke nodded, his lips trembling and struggling to contain his mirth as the expression on this girl's face. Alina glared at him, understanding that he was silently laughing at her, before turning on her heel and leaving in a huff.
'Really Dora', he wheezed, tears of laughter running down his old and wrinkled cheeks. 'She is so like you.'
15th June, 1808
Posy Cottage,
Gloucestershire
Alina waited in the drawing room of Michelle's cottage, a pound safely cradled in the palm of her hand, the payment for Sarah's explanation for the intimacies of the marriage bed. She felt slightly ashamed of herself for going to hound Sarah for answers the day after her wedding but well, she had no choice. She was leaving Gloucestershire for home the next day and if she wanted to get any advice and details, then it was the best time.
She sighed as she looked out of the window at the plants Michelle had painstakingly grown in her front garden. Michelle had planted a huge variety of plants around her house and they made for a really pleasing, if chaotic view. Michelle and her had made up since their quasi argument three days earlier, but Alina was still a teeny tiny bit miffed at her for not sharing her mother's involvement in Michelle's debut.
'Ahem', Michelle cleared her throat as she entered the room. 'Michelle', Alina smiled but her smile abruptly disappeared when she saw the person who entered the room behind her.
'What is Lord Wentworth doing here?' Alina's tone was the farthest thing from polite. 'I thought I was here to get the information-'
'Actually, we have to tell you something', Michelle cringed as she said this.
'There's no we about this', 'Please don't tell me that Niklaus is your suitor' Niklaus and Alina shrieked at the same time.
'Niklaus is not my suitor', Michelle exclaimed, touching her forehead with her hand, palm facing out. 'I cannot believe you think that I would marry him!'
'Thank you, Michelle', Niklaus sniped. 'I feel absolutely splendid.'
'Thank God', Alina giggled, a mildly horrified expression on her face.'It wouldn't do to be hankering after my own brother in law.'
Michelle gasped. Niklaus paled. Alina shrugged.
'Michelle you know how I feel', she nodded at Michelle. 'And now he knows too.' She pointed at Niklaus. 'So there is no harm in admitting it when it's just the three of us.'
'Alina', Michelle said her name as a reprimand. 'You always manage to distract me from the matter at hand.'
'Which is?' Alina asked, a strange lightness in her heart. Admitting her feelings in front of her friends had left her feeling relieved.
'The man who has been courting me', Michelle took a deep breath before continuing. 'It's your brother, Alina, it's Richard.'
Alina's eyes widened to comical proportions. Her mouth dropped open. She looked like a caricature version of herself.
There was silence for a good two minutes in which Alina stared at Michelle and Niklaus incredulously.
'I cannot believe you didn't tell me, you liar.' This was addressed to Niklaus. 'You said you could never keep anything from me, and you kept the biggest secret of them all.'
'It wasn't my secret to tell'. It was Niklaus' turn to make an entreating face. 'You would have done the same if you were in my place. I told them to tell you multiple times, I swear!'
Alina waved her hands in his direction, dismissing his words. Before he could defend himself further, she turned to Michelle.
'How long has this been going on?' Alina glared at her mutinously.
'It's been two years', Michelle grimaced at the admission and held her hands up in submission.
'Two years?' Alina yelled. 'You hid this from me for two years?! Michelle, I have half a mind to never speak to you again, just like I have decided with Niklaus.'
'Really, that is excessive', Niklaus protested. 'I didn't even do anything!'
'Keep quiet, you boor', Alina made a nasty face at him, her eyes crinkling so much she couldn't see anything for a second. 'Why must you insert yourself where you are clearly not needed?'
'Allie, really', Michelle said reproachfully. 'He's only here at my invitation and that too for a noble cause - moral support. Please don't speak to him thus.'
Niklaus nodded in agreement, crossing his impressive arms across his impressive chest.
'Ugh', Alina moaned. 'I can never win with the both of you. You always team up against me. And Michelle, you haven't answered my question. Why didn't you tell me this before?'
'Well', Michelle sat down on a chair. She wrung her hands together. She rubbed her face with said hands.
'Michelle', Alina clucked impatiently.
'At first, we were just acquaintances writing to each other, it wasn't anything of consequence.' She held up a hand to stop Alina from interrupting her. 'And then, when I started developing feelings, really unfamiliar and scary feelings, I wanted to figure them out for myself first before I told anyone.'
Alina got in a bad tempered - 'So now I'm just anyone, am I?' before Michelle rolled her eyes.
'Allie', Michelle sighed. 'I didn't want to say this, but I don't know how to make you understand without this.'
Michelle raked her hands through her hair, thoroughly spoiling her updo. 'Allie', she finally said, reluctance clear in her tone and expression. 'Your parents read your correspondence. And I wasn't ready for them to find out about Richard and I from a letter I wrote to you. Especially since it is clear that he hasn't told them, told you about us. I know I'm not a good match for him.'
'Oh please Michelle', Alina said, cheeks flushed with embarrassment at Michelle's mention of her parents reading her letters. 'My brother is the lucky one here. He could not hope to make a better match in a million years. And you better believe me, I'll have a stern talk with Father the moment I set foot in Milton Hall.'
18th June, 1808
Milton Hall,
Cambridgeshire
Alina was a girl, well, soon to be woman, of her word so obviously, the moment she stepped foot in Milton Hall, she enquired about her esteemed Father's whereabouts. Upon learning that Lord Fitzwilliam was ensconced in his study, she hurriedly made her way up the stairs to the aforementioned room, her mother and brother hot on her heels.
They were all in a bad shape after more than a day's unrelenting travel and while Lady Fitzwilliam and Lord Milton would have wholeheartedly preferred to have taken a bath first and then maybe a little nap before facing the Earl, they didn't want to miss the showdown that was surely about to happen between Damien and Alina, for she had a most fierce expression on her face. Her eyes shone with anger, her nose was scrunched in displeasure, her mouth was drawn in a grim line. Mrs. Thomas who was the one who had given Alina the Earl's current location, was heard telling her hard of hearing husband, Mr. Thomas, whom you may know as one of the first champions of a Darcy and Alina pairing, that she would not like to be in the Earl's shoes at this particular moment, despite his substantial wealth and status.
While we prevaricated, our heroine had reached the door of her Father's chamber, a little breathless from her run up two flights of stairs, and knocked, or to be fair, banged on the door. Lord FItzwilliam was rather startled at the intensity of the request for invitation and squeaked out a shrill 'Come in' in surprise. He cleared his throat as his daughter strode into the room, his wife and son following her into the room, Robert gently closing the door behind him.
'Father' Alina greeted, her mien reflecting seriousness. 'How pleasant to see you after so long.'
Since it had not even been a week since they had last met, Lord Fitzwilliam didn't feel like he deserved such a greeting, but if one's progeny was pleased to see him, who was he to deny them the pleasure?
'Children', he intoned, pleasantly, smiling gracefully at them. 'Wife', he said as he nodded at Alexandra. 'What brings you here so soon after your arrival? You have just arrived, haven't you?'
'Is it the wonderful smell emanating from us, Father?' Robert joked. 'Surely, you must be able to smell the exhaustion on us-'
He closed his mouth abruptly as his sister turned to glare at him.
'Father', Alina said as she turned back to Damien. 'I'm to be presented at Court this year, am I not?'
'Yes, you are', Damien confirmed, a little puzzled at the obvious question.
'And if I get a marriage proposal from a suitable bachelor during the season, you would have no qualms about me marrying him, would you?' Alina continued.
'If he met the criteria that your mother and I have devised for a suitable husband, I would have no qualms about you marrying him', Lord Fitzwilliam agreed.
Though immensely curious about this so called criteria developed by her parents, with a herculean effort, Miss Alina Fitzwilliam focused on the matter at hand.
'Well, Father, I confess I am rather confused', Alina said. 'You clearly consider me intelligent enough to be presented in front of our esteemed Queen and mature enough to be married off, don't you?'
Damien nodded slowly, wary of the direction in which this was going.
'Then why must you insist on still reading my correspondence and forbidding me from writing to Fitzwilliam and Niklaus, even though I have known both of them since I was in the cradle?'
Alina crossed her arms across her chest in challenge. She had little hope that she and Niklaus would continue to correspond in the light of what had happened between them in Gloucestershire, and she was determined to maintain her distance from him, but really, it was the principle of the matter.
'I understood that you checked my correspondence when I was twelve to ensure that I did not blab about anything inappropriate that could be used against the family, but reading my letters makes no sense now. If you trust me to conduct myself appropriately before the Queen and the ton, then you surely must have no problem trusting me to conduct my own correspondence!'
'Young unmarried ladies who are out in society do not write to unmarried gentlemen not of their family', the earl replied cautiously. 'I confess, I had not given much thought to reading your letters. I have gotten rather used to your correspondence going through me, so I did not realize that you are now old enough to not need our supervision anymore.'
'So, now I shall be able to send letters without you or mother reading them first?' Alina asked, a frown marring her forehead.
Her father nodded in agreement.
'And what of writing to Niklaus and Cousin Darcy?' Alina persisted. 'Surely, you must also realize that both of them have not taken kindly to this superfluous letter embargo you have so suddenly imposed after Miss Price's departure? I thought we all agreed on the fact that that woman was completely dicked in the nob, so why are you heeding her words about my letters to Darcy and Nicklaus being inappropriate? Darcy is my cousin and Niklaus is an old friend of the family. What is so scandalous about writing to them?'
'I'm afraid that your future husband would not look upon your correspondence with them as such', Alexandra interjected. 'He may withdraw his suit altogether if he realised that his potential wife was writing letters to bachelors!'
'Oh please', Robert broke in. 'This is too much! Her future husband is probably patronising houses of ill repute or consorting with actresses and opera singers as we speak, and she is to be castigated for writing letters to her cousin and friend? And can you really afford antagonising a would-be Duke and one of the largest landowners in the country in the year of your daughter's debut?'
'Robert!' Lord and Lady Fitzwilliam exclaimed in unison. 'Do not speak of such things in your sister's presence', Alexandra reprimanded him, her expression and tone stern. She turned to her husband and said - 'He is right, Damien. I had a word with Niklaus when we were discussing Michelle's debut, and he is supremely displeased that we didn't tell Alina he had been writing to her for almost a year and that we hid his letters to her. He insisted that he would behave with the appropriate formality in public but he would not desist from writing to her, or discontinue their friendship temporarily.'
Alina's heart felt like it would leap out of her chest. She couldn't believe that Niklaus would have the courage to go toe to toe with her rather formidable mother for their friendship. How was she to find another man an attractive prospect for marriage when Niklaus refused to relinquish her heart?
'He outranks us already, Damien', Alexandra continued. 'And with the way Sinclair's health is faring, he may soon come into the Dukedom as well. As long as he promises to abide by the rules of propriety, his attentions towards Alina would only increase her popularity and bolster her chances on the marriage mart. No peer would scorn at a connection with a potential duke and current marquess. We can tell everyone that he is akin to a brother, and always has been.'
Robert snorted loudly and then tried to cover the sound with an obviously fake laugh. Alexandra rolled her eyes at his theatrics as she said, 'We'll need both him and Darcy when Alina debuts. The ton has never recovered from my Russian heritage and they may hold it against her too. We will need their support, they are widely respected and revered in London society. Their approval of her would pave the way for other titled and wealthy peers of the realm to approach her and consider her an appropriate prospect for marriage.'
Alexandra made her way to a chair in front of her husband's desk and collapsed into her after her thought provoking speech. Alina was lost in said thoughts, because now, with her parents speaking so openly before her and Robert about her upcoming season in London, had really driven the point home. The point being that she was no longer a child and would soon take her place in society as an unmarried, eligible daughter of a peer. Why, she could even be married by this time next year. Alina couldn't help but shudder at the prospect. She gathered her courage and asked her Father -'So, shall I be allowed to write to Niklaus and Darcy now?'
The earl nodded in resignation. Both Alina and Alexandra had convinced him of the same. 'Just be careful of what you write to both of them', he warned. 'I would advise you to write each letter as if its contents might be leaked in the papers, or read by your Aunt Catherine to make sure you mention nothing inappropriate.'
Alina nodded and took a deep breath before asking the most important question of them all - 'Father, will you force me to accept a proposal from a man I do not like and do not wish to marry?'
Her question, however, was answered by her brother. 'We will not. But you must take extreme care to not be left in a compromisable position with a gentleman otherwise, the matter will be out of our hands and you'll have to marry the man.'
The Earl and Countess looked at him in surprise, they had not expected Robert to take significant interest in his sister's coming out but he had surprised them. In a good way, of course.
'I shall need you by my side, Brother', Alina said anxiously. 'I'm quite nervous about descending into the nest of vipers that is the ton and I will need you to guide and help me through so that I might emerge unscathed.'
Robert grinned at her, putting a hand around her shoulder as he pulled her to him and ruffled her hair. 'Don't worry, sister. Now, it's my turn to protect you from the Miss Pembrooke's of the world.'
19th June, 1808
Milton Hall,
Cambridgeshire
Cousin Darcy,
I'm just about ready to give up and go to bed for I have written about ten drafts of this letter, none of them to my satisfaction. Now, why have I agonised over penning you, my dearest friend and confidante, a letter you might ask?
While I have taken on my parents and won, and am now allowed to write to you again, they have insisted that I must hitherto refrain from being overly familiar with you in my letters and in general. (You must congratulate me for this hard fought win!)
With God as my witness, I have tried my best to pen formal letters as if I were writing to Aunt Catherine but I just can't do it. You are one of my oldest friends (there were only three and I'm not currently speaking to two of them) and I have never censored myself around you. Besides, you are too kind to tell anyone about my supposed non conforming letter writing etiquette and I trust that you as a gentleman will forgive and help hide any mistake I might make. I love corresponding with you because I feel like I can bare my heart without any fear of judgement, and that to me, Cousin is something infinitely precious that I cannot give up.
I hope my humble missive finds you and Georgiana in the best of health and spirits. It's been ages since I have seen you both and I miss you both dreadfully. If this were some other time, I would be telling you that I'm coming to Pemberley for an impromptu visit but Alas! Lady Fitzwilliam, your aunt and my formerly absent but now dreadfully interfering Mother has made a whole list of improper behaviour I'm to refrain from and visiting Pemberley without a proper chaperone (only Father, Mother and Aunt Catherine qualify for this exalted position, even my brothers do not count, and we all know how much fun a trip supervised by one of these three would be) is on top of this infernal list.
The tyranny doesn't end there. More items on the aforementioned list are as follows:- I cannot converse with you in a public setting without a chaperone. I must address you as Cousin Darcy at all times (even in my letters, hence the formal address for which I sincerely apologise). I can no longer visit Darcy House to see Georgiana as I so often did, my mother has to accompany me and I must not be 'overly familiar' as I mentioned. I feel as if my freedom is being chipped away at, slowly but surely by my parents' strictures but I cannot even blame them for this is what society demands.
Just because we are not borne of the same parents and can legally wed, I shall be forced to treat you like any other male acquaintance. You already know that I cannot visit Jason, but now I'm barred from playing with the tenant children as well for some of them have older brothers who may hoodwink me for my dowry (my mother's enlightened words).
I've always seen my position as an Earl's daughter as a privilege. I had access to the best education and could spend my time as I saw fit to a large extent. But everything has a price, and I'm only just finding out the price of my freedom in childhood. Now when I look at the tenant children, the wives and sisters of the bakers and farmers, I do find myself wondering if they are more free than us aristocratic women.
I hate all of this, Darce, these restrictions, the lessons on how to converse with males (the secret is not to come across as a featherbrained, vapid woman but I cannot sound too intelligent either for the fear of being labelled a bluestocking), the endless pounding at the piano until my ears bleed so that I can impress the ton with my musical ability when I'm presented at Almack's, the thousand and one things I must hide about myself - my mother makes it seem as if I'm the most unmarriageable girl in all of England and I would be a liar if I said that it didn't smart a bit. Not that I'm in any rush to be married, I'd happily tolerate Mother for half a decade more if it meant putting off marriage.
I'm very grateful to the kind Lord for granting me a reprieve last December. Mother said I was too young to be presented at Court (though the real reason was that she thought I was woefully underprepared for London Society) and I strongly agreed. In fact, I think I am still too young to accept my place on the marriage mart and look for a husband. Too young to become an object. And I will be an object, for who will care about what I think, like or want? All that will matter will be how I look, how I conduct myself in public and whose daughter I am and how much money I bring with me.
All of the things I love about London -the dresses, the plays, the rides in Hyde Park, strolls in the markets, boating in the Serpentine, all of this will become a part of an intricate social dance to find the perfect match, the best chance to snare an eligible bachelor. Add to that, the dances and the assemblies and I now positively dread going to London.
I apologize for the explosion of self pity that you bear the brunt of. I hope you will keep my faults secret as a gentleman, dear Fitz. Again, I miss you very much.
All my love to Georgiana,
Your Friend & Cousin,
Allie
P.S. We, at Milton Hall, are inordinately pleased that you escaped Caroline Bingley's rather hamfisted attempt to trap you into marriage, yet again. It happened months ago, but I have only just found out about this, so you must allow me to express my opinions. It was very ingenious of you to exchange rooms with Richard. I hope you appreciate the danger he put himself in, Miss Bingley could have insisted that Richard marry her. The chances were slim, I agree, because Richard for all his dashing good looks and decorated position in the army, is only a second son and too poor for a girl of Miss Bingley's tastes. She is determined to be Mistress of Pemberley, Robert told me. He also said, and I quote that, 'You'd rather die than marry that mercenary carrot top.'
P.S. Sorry for the three week wait, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave a review with your thoughts, I would love to know what you think.
We are officially at the end of Lady Alina's exciting, fun filled childhood with this chapter. Turbulent adulthood, here we come!
