These past few days have been nothing but painful for her. Her mom dragging her to modiste to make her wedding dress or blabbing about wedding decorations, flowers and so on. For a wedding that she wasn't even sure was still happening. He left her. Left he in that garden. Was it the end? Those kinds of thoughts filling her mind every now and then, every second of those days, truly. She could not write, she could not even go out for a promenade. Everything was just too much to bear. How could she let this happen?
They haven't spoke or even saw each other for a few days now. And once again she found herself in her room, deep in her thoughts. As suddenly she heard the knock on her door and it opened. It was her mom. Great, probably another wedding talk. – she thought.
"Penelope, I just wanted to check on you. Is everything all right? You've been sitting in your room for days now, not even eating really." Portia said.
That kind of worry was new to her from Portia. So, Pen just shook it off, and waving said something like.
"Yes, mama, all's well."
"You know if something happened, you can always talk to me." Her mother said, entering the room and sitting on a chair close to Penelope.
"I just said. All's well."
"Marriage can be a hard work, you know." Portia started. "And sometimes it even starts before the actual marriage." She looked at Penelope and their eyes met.
"I married for security, but you have a real dream coming for you now. If something there to be happening, that's something you should be fighting for." Portia started once again.
"As I said all's well." Pen answered and looked away to the direction of her table. Was she really fighting for him, or did it really looked like she was giving up? – Penelope thought.
"The one thing I learned with your dad, is that a woman must always depend only on her own self. But maybe when it's real love, it should be different." Just as Portia said it, Pen looked right at her.
"What do you mean?" Pen asked, looking somewhat shocked.
"I just simply mean, it could be the biggest privilege to depend on a good man, that can and will be there for you." Portia answered. "Maybe if it's love, you can find your dreams and support, together with a man, Penelope." They both thought for a while, as her mother continued. "What ever it is that bothering you, tell him. Secrets are not good for a marriage. I learned it a hard way and look where it got us."
With hearing those words, Pen thought maybe… just maybe… she could tell him everything. Everything starting from begging. The truth was exactly what he was asking of her. Her openness. So why was it that hard to just let go, and share everything for her?
"Thank you." Penelope simply stated, as she held her mama's hand.
"It will be alright." Portia simply said as she left her room.
That conversation actually brought Pen back to her talk with Lord Debling. He was looking for a woman who knew who she was. What she wanted. Who had passions of her own. Wasn't she that woman? Then why all of the sudden she thought that closing that chapter would be the only way to keep Colin in her life? Even Colin said that it's who she is. She could understand his pain that she did not tell him herself. She could. But why couldn't she? He actually accepted that part of her. The other thing he didn't accept were lies. Then why was she sitting here all of that time? Did it really looked like giving up? Or was she simply afraid of the answer...
His words that she didn't need him really, sounded so wrong to her. She needed him, but in another way. Could it be that he simply misunderstood her behind all of that pain? All of that pain she brought him.
With one last though she finally gathered her courage and left her room.
On the other side of the street, Colin was in his study. He was writing in his journal, tears falling from his eyes like a heavy rain. He was also reminiscing on that last conversation. How could she love him but keep such a big secret from him?
As of now, he truly believed she didn't need him. Maybe then her want for husband was the other way to hurt him yet again. His eyes slipped to one of the Whistledown's latest issues. The one that mentioned him. Did she really had to be so cruel? Would a friend ever write anything like that about a friend?
He was writing down all of those feeling running in his body those lasts few days. And it was truly the first time he felt like he's writing something worthy.
Deep in his thoughts, he didn't notice a knock on the door. The door to his study opened as he stockily looked up only to see her standing there.
"Good day. I just wanted to…" Pen started.
"There's nothing you could want. Please leave me alone." He said, looking down at his journal. It was unnecessary harsh. – Pen thought.
"No." She said firmly, as the door closed behind her and she marched right to his desk. "Colin, I need to talk to you. I need to tell you…" She was standing right at his desk now, as she saw his tears.
"What could it be you want to tell me? You clearly don't respect me to say anything to my face." He interrupted her once again, closing his journal and giving her a cold look.
"Colin…" She started again.
"No, Pen, you wrote all of those things, only for me to read them like from a stranger." He got up now, all of his body screaming with madness. "You…"
"I am truly sorry. I am." Now it was her turn to shut him up. If only he would know how wrong he is. "I never meant to hurt you, please believe me. I simply wanted you back. The Colin that I knew. Kind and caring, with the greatest sense of humor that could always light up even the darkest day of mine. Not that man that you came back as. Acting like you care about nothing and no one." She said taking a step forward to him. Her eyes were filling with unwanted tears. All of this was hurting both of them and it felt like there was no end of it. At least not anytime soon.
"But why do you even care? You clearly can do everything alone. Why would you even need a husband then?" He screamed.
"You're right. I don't NEED a husband. I WANT you." She screamed back. The hotness of their chest meeting, as their own bodies didn't touch each other once.
"That's what you say. Was it your plan all along? All of this is just a planned entrapment." The pain in his voice reached new level. His ire sounded bittersweet calm now.
"Colin, I LOVE YOU." As she screamed those words she took the last step to him, his body pressing to the side of the table, in an attempt of escaping. "You must know maybe I don't need a husband in a way our society sees it. But I do need you. I don't want you to save me…" Her own voice calming down now filled with the feeling of lost.
"Then what am I supposed to be? The blind man following you around, only when you need it?" He said harshly, running his hand though his face, taking a deep breath.
"Colin! Stop! NO!" She grabbed his hand pulling it away from his face, as she caressed his cheek with her other hand. "I simply want you to be there for me. To support me. To love me. To kiss me. And I do want to be the same for you." She took a deep breath, her hands leaving his body, as she looked down. "I realize now I should've told you so many things, so many things sooner, to your face." She looked straight into his eyes, only to be met with shock and wonders there. "I am still learning. But with the confidence you and only you gave me, I know, I just know it all will come up good. For both of us." Her smile was touching. "I am not giving up on us. I love you. Please can we get thought this together?" Her brows rose in a silent question, waiting, hoping for his answer.
Everything felt too severely deep as much as it was fragile, as his lips met hers in a heated kiss. Her hand instantly reaching for his cheek and he swept them in place, pressing her into his desk. A loud series of moans not stopping to leave her mouth. This sound was doing something insane to him, something he could not control. He pushed her harder to sit on the table, as he heard something falling and breaking on the floor.
He did not care for a second what it was, all he could think was her bend knee near his thigh and her hands were holding him in place pressed to her lips. He was holding her neck with one hand, the other quickly moved under her dress and the next thing she nearly roared into his mouth. His mouth not leaving hers, as his fingers worked quickly inside of her.
They kissed like the only air they need were them. Together. Happy.
Joined in a sinful bliss of the biggest friendship they both ever experienced. As he felt her contracting inside, a loud groan leaving her lips and her head flew back in his arms, he quickly pulled her into a strong hug. Both of his hands holding her as she came back from this divine state, only he could send her.
"I do love you too. I need some time to think still." He whispered into her ear and not breaking the hug, he looked at her, their faced once inches apart. "But I do love you." His forehead lightly pressed to hers.
"Okay." She simply said, still trying to catch her breath.
"I'll see you at our wedding in a fortnight's time." He fixed her dress and took a step back.
"We won't see each other before that?" She asked fearfully.
"I don't see a need for that." He looked down.
"What if there's a need?" She held his hand, squeezing it unflappably.
"What sort of reason there could be?" He asked, now somewhat curiously looking at her.
"You asked me to tell you if I'm going to that print place again." Her voice sounded a bit shy in a friable way.
"You could always come to me, Pen. No matter the reason. If you ever need me, I am here for you." He said as he helped her got up.
Her hand slipping from his. And with one last longing look she left his study, as he still stood there near his desk.
