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"Cloud?"
"What's up, darling?"
"What kind of cake do you want?"
"Are you serious?" I wondered.
"Well, what kind?" Ruby pressed.
I sat up on the leather couch I was reclining on in the living room. "I don't… I don't give a fuck. What kind of cake? I don't give a fuck."
Ruby pouted at me.
"Come on. What makes you think I'd give a fuck. Chocolate, vanilla, marble, some other weird option. I do not care. This is what you want my input on? The cake? I don't care."
"Cloud…" Weiss grumbled.
"This is what you want my opinion on? Of all things? Not, like, colors or other arrangements? The cake is what I get a cut of? I do not care about what kind of cake it is. Ruby said she wanted our weapons on top. So that. I guess. But other than that I don't care. You know I don't care. You knew that when you asked me. Before you asked me. I don't give a flying fuck."
"We need you to make a decision. We can't decide," Ruby pleaded. She was in a pair of tights and a tight 't' shirt.
"So do half and half? What's the hold up? This is it? This is what you absolutely must have my input on? Really? I don't care. It's a cake."
"Well what do you want to eat?" Weiss asked. She was wearing a blue sweater and white jeans.
"You!"
She hit me for that. But she rolled her eyes with a grin. Like she was mad at me but couldn't be mad mad at me. "Stop it. We want your input."
"Hardly. This is literally the only thing you've ever asked me besides setting places out for the deceased."
"Well we do with this."
"No you don't. You want me to take your side. That's not the same thing. And I really don't care. About the cake? Are you serious? I want it to taste good and I want to mush it into your faces when I feed it to you because I think that would be adorable. All covered in frosting. Your little tongues poking out to lick it off. I like that shit. Give me some of that."
"Do not get any on my dress," Weiss demanded.
"Sure. Fine. Whatever. And I really don't care what color the cake is either. White is fine. Black is fine. I mean… What are you two wanting from me? Let's get a nice multi-tiered, multi-flavored cake and call it good. Alright?"
"Where do you want to go for our honeymoon?" Ruby asked me.
"I don't…"
"Do not say you don't care. Where do you want to take us?" Weiss demanded.
"Listen…"
"Sure," Weiss agreed, folding her arms. "I'm listening."
"A beach…? Resort…?" I hazarded.
"Well at least you gave us some measure of input."
"What do you… what do you want from me? The whole point of marrying you, darling, was that you would do all the planning."
She huffed. "I hope that's not the whole point."
"Well it's a perk. It's for sure a perk. I mean I get some other stuff out of it too I guess."
"Like a wife and kids?" Weiss raised an eyebrow. "A family. Emotional connections."
"Yeah. Those things. I like those things. An emotional connection is all I ever really wanted with you. Ever since Beacon freshman year. The rest can sorta kinda hang."
She huffed. She was trying to be mad at me but couldn't because I was being too sweet to her. She turned a little rosy around her cheeks and ears. She rolled her eyes but there was a smile to them.
I stood up. I took both her hands in mine. I bent down and kissed the back of each of her hands. "Darling," I began slowly. She looked up into my eyes. "I couldn't give a fuck about the cake."
She ripped her hands away and smacked me in the chest. "Asshole."
"Am I?" I wondered.
"No," Ruby purred. "You're sweet. Deep down you're just a honey."
'Am I?" I wondered again.
"You are," Ruby swooned at me.
"Anyways don't ask me about the cake or color arrangements or what dinner should be for the guests. I don't care. I barely care about the honeymoon locale. Like at all. So don't come at me with that. Ruby likes planning this kind of bullshit. I've seen you. You liked planning Valentine's Day that one time with me. You liked planning your team activities. You like that kind of stuff. Don't entangle me into it unless you really need my input but we already all know you don't. You don't need my input. You want me to take your side and say 'chocolate' or 'vanilla.' I just don't give a fuck about that and you know it. So, darling, what kind of a cake do you want?" I demanded of Weiss.
"Well I want it to be chocolate and Ruby wants vanilla."
"So how do we resolve this without having to resort to 'asking Cloud?' Because 'Cloud' doesn't care," I referred to myself.
"I suppose we just get a really big cake with different flavored layers."
"Bangarang," I snapped my fingers at her. "Was that so hard? Did you really need to involve me? You don't have to answer. We already know. We just do."
"But you do care about the honeymoon location?" Weiss pressed.
"I mean… I'll do whatever you both tell me to. But I like the idea of you two wearing very little clothing. So… beaches? But I'm not picky."
"You're a pumpkin," Ruby kissed my nose.
"Grr," I growled. "My soul is a dark place."
"No it's not. Your aura is the color of sunshine or the sky on a sunny day," Ruby disagreed.
"Grr," I growled again. "I'm a bad murder man."
"Oh shut up," Weiss demanded. "You've never once been more violent than the situation called for or directed your aggression at people who didn't deserve it. Not once. Not in your life. Stop it."
"I'm brutal," I warned.
"You're a puppy," Ruby told me happily. "What color arrangements do you want to set out for your team?"
"Pink and orange, pink and green, red and gold," I told her almost automatically. I didn't really have to think very hard. "Is that really okay to do? I don't know anything about weddings."
"People put out arrangements for the dead all the time," Weiss waved me off. "It's not like a unique thing we're doing that would turn heads."
"Okay, cool, I guess," I managed. I would obviously rather have my team than arrangements but I couldn't have that because I got them all killed. I sighed. Ruby hit me. She slapped me hard on the inside of my leg.
"I heard that," she threatened.
"Heard what? I sighed!" I defended myself.
"You bad mouthed yourself. In your head. I heard you," she turned her chin up and crossed her arms over her chest.
"You can't thought police me," I managed.
"I can and I will," she leveled.
"I'm not allowed to diss myself aloud, you can't stop me from doing it in my head. That's not allowed. My thoughts are mine. Off limits. No touchy."
"Oh we're gonna," Ruby carried on. "I'm gonna 'touchy.'"
"Weiss, help me out," I demanded.
"You want me to take your side? After you wouldn't take my side on the cake. I'm taking Ruby's side anyway. You're not allowed to bad mouth yourself in your head. That's called depression."
"But that's all I do in here. You can't take that from me," I went on pointing at my own skull.
"It's against the rules. I'll put it to a vote if I have to," Ruby warned.
"No voting," I protested.
"Yes. Voting what an excellent idea," Weiss bobbed her head.
"But-"
"All in favor say 'yay.' Yay!" Ruby cheered.
"Yay," Weiss agreed.
"But-"
"Tough bananas, big guy," Ruby marched forward over me. "Your reign ends here."
"It's not healthy. If you think malicious thoughts about yourself you may as well be slitting your wrists or burning your hands," Weiss agreed. "It's self harm and self harming is expressly forbidden."
"I'm in charge here," I managed. "I get to choose what I think about me."
"Not anymore," Ruby wagged a finger in my face.
"You can't be trusted to do a good enough job," Weiss nodded.
"Listen…" I trailed but I didn't have anything. I had nothing for them to listen to. "Weren't we talking about cakes?"
"Nice try," Ruby patted me on the shoulder.
"Honeymoon locations?" I pressed. Literally anything. Get me out of this.
"I've always wanted to go to Costa Del Sol," Weiss agreed. "It's a beach resort town near Vacuo."
"Costa Del'cation!" Ruby pumped a fist.
"White, sandy beaches, cocktails, swimsuits, the works," Weiss nodded.
"Lovemaking. Plenty of lovemaking," Ruby sighed. "We'll get off the pill and really try."
"Think you can keep up, Cloud?" Weiss asked.
"Um… probably not. Right? I mean… how many times per day do you think I can go?" I wondered.
"Eight?" Ruby asked. I laughed.
"Ten?" Weiss pressed ambitiously. I stopped laughing.
"Maybe six. And that's pushing it. Probably four. I need time for my gentlemen to regroup and recoup," I informed them. "Otherwise it starts to hurt and it becomes less effective. And it isn't a fun type of hurt like what you ladies sometimes describe. It's a painful hurt."
"Poor little Cloud," Ruby admonished and stroked my hair. "We'll take care of you."
"Are you talking about me or my dick?" I asked.
"Both," she hummed.
"You really think you can only do six shots per day? That's only three a piece for the two of us…" Weiss looked thoughtful.
"'Only?'" I cut in. They ignored me.
"Doesn't sound like a lot. But if it's every day," Ruby shrugged. "If it's every day we should get somewhere with it."
"Only three, though," Weiss shook her head. "That's not a whole lot of times. Maybe if it's a 'dangerous' week for our cycles."
"Yeah… should we plan it that way? Or just…"
"Just try all the time. Yeah," Weiss finished the thought for Ruby.
"Three ought to be plenty," I layed down the law. "How many shots does it take to get pregnant? Just one good one right?"
"We can probably also start trying a little before the honeymoon and wedding day. We won't be showing for sure," Ruby ignored me.
"That's true. It wouldn't hurt to at least get off the pill before. What do you think? Like a month?"
"Plus the honeymoon and afterwards. That gives us two months of three hits per day. That should probably do it. And if it doesn't we should see a doctor."
"Cloud and I tried for at least two months. If you don't get pregnant, Cloud should see a doctor. If I don't get pregnant, I should see a doctor," Weiss continued.
"Um… two months? Every day?" I asked.
"Is that a problem?" Ruby intoned.
"Buck up, Cloud," Weiss demanded.
"I'll just drink plenty of water…" I said. But there was only so much drinking water could do. It took time for me to grow more of my shooters.
"Does that help?" Ruby wondered.
"It doesn't hurt?" I answered vaguely. "I'll be honest. Six every day for two months is a lot. It's like… well, it's a lot. And there are two of you. I mean… I always dreamed of disappointing two girls at once but never thought it would go down quite like this. But I'mma need some rest days in there. I just am. If I'm a revolver-"
"Rifle. Little Cloud is a rifle. We've gone over this," Ruby interrupted me.
"-I'm going to need some time to reload," I finished looking at her. "I literally don't have it in me to do what you're asking."
"What about with Limit Breaker?" Weiss asked.
"I still get tired. When I'm out of juice, I'm out of juice. I just am. It's like in those commercials where they squeeze a ketchup bottle only a puff of dust comes out instead of ketchup. Only for my dick. And when you try and squeeze my dick and its a dry well, it fucking hurts, bro. And not in a fun-pleasant kind of hurting. It fucking hurts. That's the gods' way of telling you to stop. Stop it. You've had enough. Seriously quit trying."
"Well I don't care what the gods think," Weiss tossed her hair over her shoulder. "I want my three hits."
"I'm saying 'no.' It's not happenin'. I need rest days. More than one," I cut in.
"More than one a month or more than one a week?" Ruby asked. Ambitious! Was she fucking serious? I'm not a god. I can't ejaculate and evacuate like that. I'm not a sperm dispenser with legs.
"More than one a week probably. Six is a lot. After, like, three in the same day the gods start frowning down upon you. You can feel the negative energy. They start making their disappointment known."
"What's the most times you've ever jerked off in a day?" Ruby wondered.
"Two. It starts becoming uncomfortable after three. It starts to hurt after that. The gods start shaking their heads at you. If we're going to do six we'll have to space them out over the day. Start early, drink plenty of milk, finish late."
"Finish often, more like," Weiss murmured.
"Okay. I'm telling you guys it starts hurting and I can't get it up after three in succession and I need something like a twelve hour break to even fit one more in there," I said. "Four every day would be a lot. You ought to be grateful if I can pull off four."
"That's only two for each of us!" Weiss smacked me on the arm.
"I'm doin' the best I can!" I shouted back.
"I want my three hits!" Weiss demanded.
"You can't… you can't have three! I'm sorry! The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! You just… you're probably not gonna get three! You're just not. And hitting me and yelling at me won't suddenly make me ejaculate more. I only make the stuff so fast. And it fucking hurts! Quit hitting me!"
"Fine," Weiss huffed. "Two will have to do."
"You'll be lucky to get two. I'm probably done at three a day. The most powerful one is the first one. It really fucking hurts. Stop hitting me, Weiss. I mean it."
I caught her hand when she whipped it at my shoulder. I think she just liked hitting me.
"You good, you done?" I asked.
"We want more," Ruby demanded. "More."
"I'm only one guy. You want more sperm, go to a bank. You want my kids, you're gonna have to be patient with me. I'm not a talking pair of gonads. I need time and rest and recuperation periods. That means we'll seriously be pushing it at six a day, we'll be fortunate to have four a day, and I will still need days off. I just will. If you can't handle that you can't have my kids. I'm sorry! You just can't! You'll need someone else. Someone, who from the sound of it, is literally just testicles and nothing else. There's a person attached to this dick. I will not be objectified!"
Weiss smacked me with her other hand.
"Weiss hit me again and I won't have sex with you for a month," I threatened.
"You wouldn't dare! Our wedding day is only a month off. We can probably start trying now! I want to start trying now!"
"Hit me again," I challenged. "I'll give it all to Ruby. Ruby, you want to start trying now?"
Ruby hummed at me softly in a contented fashion and wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Behave or all three shots are going to Ruby," I leveled at Weiss.
Weiss's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared but she didn't hit me again even though I could tell she wanted to. And I was mostly playing anyway. It wasn't like she really hurt me.
"I thought you said four," Weiss growled.
"I said four if you're lucky. Are you feeling lucky?" I asked.
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-WG
