Chapter 13
(a few hours later)
With her mind still replaying some of the conversations with Ahsoka over and over, Jaina returned to their Master-Padawan quarters, stunned to find her mentor already seated on the living room couch and scrolling through his datapad.
"Hey," she greeted, smiling softly as she slipped off her boots and neatly placed them on the shoe rack. "Did your Council meeting end early?"
Obi-Wan smiled softly as Jaina entered, nodding his head. "Just slightly," he confirmed. "We wrapped the debate up early for once. I'm just catching up on the reports." He paused, glancing at the datapad in her own hands. "Which reminds me, when do you think you'll be able to send over your review of the 41st Division's performance on Teth?"
Jaina raised an eyebrow, plopping onto the armchair across from the couch. "I could've sworn I sent it over last night? It should already be in your inbox."
Obi-Wan frowned slightly and checked his datapad once more. A few moments later, he tilted his head to one side. "Hm, you're right…I must have missed it."
Jaina grinned. "Sometimes I find myself curious, and wonder just how many hundreds of unread messages are in that inbox of yours. And then I think if I ever found out, I'd probably get an aneurysm."
"You're not wrong, my inbox is full of hundreds of unread messages. It's difficult to filter through, so sometimes a few get lost amongst them all." He smirked. "But…that's why I have you around, isn't it? To remind me."
Jaina rolled her eyes playfully. "So that's why you keep me in the loop in absolutely every single message trail?"
"Guilty as charged." The Jedi Master's smirk widened. "Besides, you summarize Cody's rather lengthy reports so succinctly. I'd never survive them without you."
"You probably wouldn't," Jaina said, laughing. "285 pages per week every single week? Nope."
Obi-Wan chuckled. "No, indeed. So…?" He asked curiously, turning back to scroll through his datapad. "How was your morning? Did you finish your drills?"
"All done," Jaina replied, leaning back against the couch and yawning softly.
Obi-Wan smiled at the news, raising an eyebrow. "…even the new Ataru ones I added?"
"Yes, Master. All done."
He chuckled once more. "My, my, such a responsible Padawan," he teased with a hint of sarcasm, smiling as he spoke. "Did you end up having breakfast out?"
"I did," Jaina said, chuckling weakly. "You'll be pleased to know that I did as you asked. I had breakfast with Ahsoka."
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow, smiling softly. "Did you now…?" He turned back to his datapad and continued to scroll with over-the-top nonchalance. "…And how was that?"
He paused, glancing at Jaina who seemed to be trying to word something just right, and he waited, patiently, for her to continue.
It was nice to know that his little one was socializing—or at least attempting to. There were times he feared that his Padawan was too focused, and spent most—or, rather, all—of her time with people twice her age. She needed a teenage friend.
"It was...good," Jaina murmured, pausing and shrugging weakly. She scratched the side of her head.
Obi-Wan chuckled quietly—the hesitation was plain to see on his little one's face, and he could almost read her thoughts. "…But?" The Jedi Master asked, lifting an eyebrow.
She paused once more. "…Master, do you…think I can be a little…uptight? A little…" she wrinkled her nose. "…nerdy?"
Obi-Wan raised a bemused eyebrow, glancing at his Padawan and smirking. "Just 'a little'?"
"Master," Jaina groaned. "I'm serious."
"...Yes," he responded slowly. "Just…ever so slightly uptight."
He shrugged innocently. "Mildly uptight, at best…"
The Jedi Master's voice dripped with sarcasm as another dry chuckle escaped his lips. "My little one," he chuckled amusedly, "is not at all the most uptight thirteen year-old in this entire galaxy."
Jaina groaned again, pulling the armchair cushion to her face.
Obi-Wan smiled softly. The image of his Padawan, hiding her face with a cushion, was rather adorable at the moment, and it made the fact that she was, indeed, very uptight, even more amusing to him.
He'd seen her hide her face behind all kinds of things over the past months, including the datapad that was currently in her hands.
It was like she was so used to people seeing her as an uptight little nerd—which she was—that it was almost instinctual.
"Come now, little one, surely this isn't news to you. It's why we work together so well." The Jedi Master said, shrugging. "I have known that ever since our first day. And I know you have too."
"I know, I know," Jaina groaned. "But that doesn't mean I enjoy hearing other people say it, especially to my face…" She rolled her eyes and lowered the cushion. "…But for the love of the Force, Ahsoka said she and Anakin just sort of leave all their things strewn about in their living room…and that Anakin has crates of spare droid parts lying around…" She shuddered, chuckling. "I think I'd much rather be 'uptight', thank you very much."
Obi-Wan smirked. "The less details I know about Anakin and Ahsoka's disorderly domestic habits, the better. I would still prefer to sleep soundly at night."
"I thought the same thing." Jaina snickered, then gazed around at the cozy, tidy, and functional living room that she had called home for the past four months. The bookshelves all neatly arranged…the couch, the armchair, and the meditation ottoman all at perfect right angles…with everything in their proper places…
Obi-Wan let out an amused chuckle, his own gaze wandering around the living room. It always felt like home. And they had both worked hard to make it so.
"Anakin and Ahsoka would probably see this as suffocating." he said quietly. "Whereas we see it as peace and quiet…safety."
Their safe haven from the war, and the simple, predictable routines that Master and Padawan had built over the four months…Both enjoyed stability too much, and craved it. He took a moment to study the room, before glancing back towards his Padawan.
"So." He turned back to his little one, raising an eyebrow. "Do I dare ask how the conversation with Ahsoka went at breakfast? How is she adjusting to her new life with Anakin?"
"She's…adjusting," Jaina paused, carefully choosing her words.
Obi-Wan's eyebrow shot up. The way his Padawan was speaking suggested that there was more. "…But?"
"Why do you always know when there's a 'but'?"
"Because I know my little one well enough to trust that when she chooses her words that carefully, there is a reason," he quipped back. There was clearly more to his little one's simple response. Whatever it was, he knew his Padawan well enough to trust her judgment, her intelligence, her wisdom. "So? Do go on."
"I mean, it's nothing completely unexpected from Anakin," Jaina said, wrapping her arms around the cushion. "I guess the most alarming bit Ahsoka mentioned was that…well, she said she feels like she can't really talk to him…about her feelings and such…"
The Jedi Master frowned slightly. Anakin had…always had his faults, for as long as Obi-Wan had known him. One of them being his inability to open up to others, at times.
"I did my best to reassure her that building the Master-Padawan bond takes time," She added quickly. "After all, she and Anakin have only been together a week…I just…I guess…I don't know, a part of me feels a bit worried, I suppose. I mean, I don't know how I would've survived my own first mission, and my adjustment to the war and all, all those months ago, if I hadn't been able to talk to you that first night on Murkhana, and process my thoughts, and yet Ahsoka doesn't quite have the same—"
Obi-Wan raised his hand gently, interrupting his little Padawan's rambling. "Slow down, my little one, slow down."
"I know, I know, sorry," Jaina sighed weakly, rubbing her temples. "My brain's just been a little…I haven't really been able to sleep—" She caught herself and stopped. "Never mind, it's nothing. I'm just a bit tired."
The Jedi Master's expression softened. He was used to her nervous ticks by now—and how her mind worked far too hard and much too fast at times.
Jaina groaned softly, pulling the pale pink ribbon from her hair and absentmindedly beginning to redo her braid. "Making friends is so…" she murmured, sighing playfully and continuing to braid. "…challenging…and it takes up so much mental bandwidth…but I…I did enjoy her company…and…it is a bit of a relief to speak to someone my own age who…is going through similar things…"
Obi-Wan rose from the couch, walking over to his Padawan and chuckling quietly. He gently took a handful of her curly locks, retying the soft pink ribbon that had become a staple of who she was, and beginning to rebraid.
As he worked, he spoke again, his tone soft, and yet still gently chiding. "You are overthinking again, my little one." If there was one thing Obi-Wan knew about his Padawan, it was that she would continue thinking—and overthinking—if she wasn't given a diversion, or a distraction.
Jaina wrinkled her nose, exhaling heavily. "Sorry…"
Obi-Wan chuckled quietly. "There it is again—saying the word 'sorry' when you've done nothing to apologize for."
His hand stilled in the middle of tying her braid. "We've been over this, more than once. You can express yourself without feeling the need to apologize for everything." He resumed tying her braid, the movement so automatic from doing it so many times in the past months, and yet, just as thoughtful still.
Jaina wrinkled her nose again, playfully this time. "…Fine."
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow as he finished tying her braid, and looked back down at the little wrinkles on her little freckled nose. "Fine? No 'sorry' this time around?" The Jedi Master smirked, his voice teasing.
Jaina blinked. "But—but you just said not to say—"
He scoffed, rolling his eyes. "I know, my little one. I was teasing." The Jedi Master lifted a hand and lightly ruffled her hair. "And you fell for it."
"Very funny," Jaina huffed.
Obi-Wan smirked. The playfulness was a welcome sight, as was her annoyance at the teasing.
He finished tying up her braid, and stepped back, raising an eyebrow. "Now. Are you going to spend the rest of the day tying and retying your hair, and overthinking your budding little friendship?" He asked playfully. "Or would you prefer that I find you something to do?"
Jaina folded her arms across her chest. "I already finished the rest of the pending reports for the entire week," she said. "And I've done my daily drills—both the Soresu and the Ataru ones you've been adding—with a couple of extra ones, and my meditation session. I don't think there's anything left for me to do. At least until our spar this afternoon."
"...What? You finished all the pending reports for the entire week? And you did all your drills already?" Obi-Wan stared at his Padawan. "How did you manage that? When Cody's numbers only just came in last night? It's only 2 in the afternoon."
Jaina blinked. "Oh…I, uh…" she chuckled, scratching the back of her ear. "I…just discovered more efficient ways of processing them, that's all."
He tilted his head, his eyes narrowing. "Oh? Like what?"
"…Just…" Jaina paused. "Automating a couple things…"
The Jedi Master's brows furrowed. He lowered his datapad completely, setting it on his lap. "Like what?" He asked again, his tone mild—mild enough to let her know that he saw right through her. She wasn't telling the full story. And he knew it.
"Like…" Jaina paused, absentmindedly tugging at the curls at the end of her braid. "…Like…just adding some formulas here and there…to…auto-populate data and…other things…"
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. His little one was such a bad liar. Her blotchy, flushing cheeks always gave her away. "...And where exactly did you find these 'formulas', as you say?"
"Uh…" Jaina paused, blinking rapidly. "I—I just—came across them…at—at the Archives…"
"Oh, really?" The Jedi Master asked, now clearly amused at her attempt to fib her way out of answering him. "The Archives?"
"Mhmm," she squeaked.
Obi-Wan's expression softened. He knew instantly. "Jaina…You worked through the night again, didn't you?" He asked quietly.
The little Padawan sighed softly, lowering her hands to her lap.
"Little one, was it another nightmare? Ventress?"
Jaina paused, frantically considering her words once more.
The Jedi Master gave a soft sigh, the silence enough of an answer. "And you still didn't think to wake me?"
"You had an early meeting this morning," Jaina protested. "Besides, it's fine—it was fine, I was able to be productive, and—"
"Just because you were productive, my little Padawan, it does not mean that you are alright," Obi-Wan said, his brow furrowing, his voice becoming more stern. "And you know better than that—you know I'm not afraid of losing a night of sleep. If you need my help, even just to talk, you wake me up."
"Okay, okay," Jaina sighed. "I'm sorry."
"No, no, don't…" Obi-Wan frowned. He crouched down in front of her, sighing softly. "Don't apologize for that," he said quietly. "Just tell me the truth. Especially when it comes to these kinds of things. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Master," Jaina murmured.
He sighed once more, his eyes taking in every inch of her freckled face—from the slight flush in her cheeks, to the dark shadows beneath her eyes. "...Now, I believe we urgently need to distract you from those many, many thoughts in your head."
The Jedi Master knew exactly what would get his little one's not-so-little brain on a different topic.
Jaina's eyes lit up, her gaze slowly drifting to the dejarik board atop the small table by the window. "…One game?"
Obi-Wan chuckled softly. He had been waiting to hear those words. "Just one game this time?"
"The Jedi Order must be getting desperate if they're sending little girls out into the war."
Ventress's voice…dripping with malice…the red lightsabers…chipping away at her defense…each deadly strike inching tauntingly closer, and closer…
"I have to hand it to you, little girl, you do know how to fight."
…Her dark eyes…
"I recognize your style. You move like your Master. His grace, his elegance. His calculating efficiency."
…Her cold smile…
"Well, almost. You are still just a child."
…Her red blade…
Her grip…tightening…tightening…
"Play time is over…"
Jaina jolted upright, her eyes flying open, her heart pounding against her chest. She clutched at her neck with trembling hands.
A dream. Another dream. A nightmare.
She gazed dazedly around her bedroom for several moments, taking the time to remember where she was, then pushed her fingertips into her eyelids.
She was safe. They were home. She was in her own room—in her own bed. This was the reality, what was real.
Not the nightmare.
It was only a nightmare. Only a memory. A haunting memory.
Jaina blew out a trembling breath, then stood up from her bed, glancing at the clock that repeatedly blinked 3AM on her nightstand.
She grabbed her lightsaber from her desk, then slowly, carefully opened her bedroom door and tiptoed across the living room, careful to avoid making any noise.
After a quick glance towards the closed door that led to the Master's bedroom where she knew her mentor was likely fast asleep, Jaina slipped out of their quarters and hurried down the corridor of the Residential Wing, scurrying towards the nearest sparring chamber.
The Temple was quiet and dim, with the wall sconces only emitting faint, warm glows during this time of the night.
She heard her own footsteps, each soft thud as the rubber soles of her boots clapped gently against the cold, polished marble of the corridor.
Eventually, she reached the nearest sparring chamber and slipped inside. The air in the room was cool, fresh. And quiet.
Jaina took in a deep breath, her muscles relaxing, her throat finally feeling a bit less tight as she swallowed.
Never again.
Never again would she allow herself to be caught off guard.
She walked over to a trio of training remotes and began to switch them on.
Never again would she be used as leverage.
She walked to the center of the room.
Never again would she allow herself to be the cause of somebody else being put in danger—especially not him.
The remotes powered up in answer, their lights glowing softly, the machines hovering a foot above the ground.
Jaina ignited her lightsaber, and waited for the first attack. She needed to be faster, stronger. Better.
The training remotes whizzed past from every direction—swift and unpredictable—but her instincts kicked in, her lightsaber blocking, and deflecting until she weaved through them like a dance, her mind no longer struggling to keep the fears and insecurities at bay…
…turning them instead into resolve.
Never again would she make the same mistake.
As Jaina's cheeks flushed with sweat and effort, she extended a hand and activated a fourth and a fifth remote. She felt her anger, her shame, her disappointment at herself for failing—and for taking so much time to move on from it—bubbling just beneath the surface.
Her heart and lungs labored against the activity, her body covered in a film of sweat.
Still—she had to keep going. She couldn't stop.
Each remote's attack felt like a blow, a reminder of the weakness she had shown.
A reminder of how she had been used. A tool with which another could have threatened her Master.
But she would no longer allow for that to happen again.
Jaina continued to block and parry for several minutes, twisting, flipping, attacking, and taking the training remotes down one by one with such total, complete—almost angry—focus, that she didn't notice the soft click of the sparring chamber door opening and closing.
She had been so focused on the remotes—focused on becoming better, on growing stronger—that she could no longer see anything else.
Jaina sliced through the last of the training droids and stopped in the middle of the room, closing her eyes, and catching her breath.
Obi-Wan stepped further into the sparring chamber, watching as his little Padawan caught her breath, the emotions all visible on her face in spite of her desperate attempts to hide them by day.
The emotions that propelled her forward, turned her pain into drive, into motivation, into skill.
He sighed, torn between his admiration for her dedication and her improvement, and his concern for the storm he knew was going on in her mind.
"Jaina," Obi-Wan finally said quietly, breaking the silence. "It is 3:30 in the morning."
Jaina's eyes flew open, her entire body jolting at the sudden voice that echoed around the chamber. "Master," she murmured, turning around, her eyes wide. "I…I couldn't sleep."
Obi-Wan crossed his arms, his brows furrowing. "Yes, I suspected as much." He could feel her pain, her anger, her shame, her guilt. Her fears. Her insecurities. He could see it all in her eyes.
His Padawan's resilience spoke of a warrior, who needed to push herself, to hold herself accountable, and would one day make a phenomenal Jedi Knight.
…But her shame and her guilt spoke of a child, one still struggling to live up to her own expectations and perceptions.
"And you decided that the best way to fall asleep would be in the middle of the training room?" He gestured towards the collection of remotes lying on the floor. "Were you hoping to spar with the remotes in your dreams?"
"No, I just…" Jaina muttered, her cheeks flushing, her gaze lowering to the ground. "I needed to…"
Her voice was barely audible, but Obi-Wan knew her as well as he knew himself. He knew how her mind worked…
The Jedi Master narrowed his eyes, his voice still quiet, but now calmly firm. "Padawan."
Jaina grimaced. That tone. She tightly pressed her lips together into a thin line, desperately stomping down on the emotions that threatened to spill over as she deactivated her lightsaber. "Yes, Master?"
Obi-Wan frowned, then walked over to where she was standing. Her face was filled with so many emotions, and he couldn't help but feel an ache in his chest for her.
She was trying so hard...
His little Padawan's eyes were bloodshot, her lips tightly pursed, her cheeks flushed, and her small hands trembled as they clutched her hilt.
But her voice didn't carry any hint of fear.
Good. That at least meant that she was trying to pull herself out of this dark place, little by little. One breath, one action at a time.
"I just…I couldn't—I couldn't sleep, Master…" Jaina repeated, her voice barely above a whisper as she lowered her gaze to the floor once more. "It's nothing, I promise. I'll head back to bed right now."
She was trying to control her emotions, but her shame was obvious, as was her fear, and the way she was struggling to hold it all in. His eyes saw every subtle movement.
Her hands. Fiddling with her lightsaber. If she only knew how much her hands told him.
As they always did.
Obi-Wan sighed softly and made his way towards his little Padawan, crouching down in front of her until they were face to face.
He gently brushed his fingers along her neck and pushed her curls back, gazing at the healing bruises beneath her jaw, before meeting her eyes. "I thought I told you to wake me if you had another nightmare?"
In this moment, she was not just a warrior, she was a child, in pain.
Jaina lowered her eyes to the floor once more, desperately, anxiously gripping her lightsaber hilt for dear life.
A silent battle of wills raged inside Obi-Wan, as the part of him that was Master struggled against his fatherly emotions.
The Master lost.
Obi-Wan grasped her lightsaber, set it down on the floor, then wrapped his own large hands around her small ones, gently but firmly holding them still.
She kept her gaze at the ground, but he could see just how much she was struggling, and the sheer weight her emotions carried.
"Let me help you carry this burden, my little one."
Jaina closed her eyes wearily for a moment, her fingers just barely resisting the urge to keep fidgeting.
The Jedi Master's thumbs pressed softly against her knuckles, soothing her in a gesture of concern and tenderness.
"You don't have to face these nightmares alone. I told you to wake me, remember?" Obi-Wan whispered, his gaze never leaving hers as his eyes studied her, listening to every subtle movement.
"...The past is in the past, dear one…" he said quietly. "It cannot harm you now. Not unless you let it."
She gave a weary, single nod.
Obi-Wan gently brushed his fingers along her neck once more. "It has only been a few days," he whispered. "I've been telling you all week—you need to be kinder to yourself."
He gently cupped his young Padawan's face in his hands, his blue-grey eyes locked onto hers. "Listen to me," he repeated quietly, gently, his voice low and steady, as if trying to keep her grounded, trying to keep her safe. "I will tell you again: what happened was not your fault. And you should not feel guilty for needing me."
"Your safety," he continued. "Is my responsibility. My duty. It was my vow. Do you understand that?"
"I know, Master, I know it is, but—"
Obi-Wan shook his head. "No. No 'buts'."
"No 'buts'. No 'ifs', no 'should haves', no 'you could haves'." The Jedi Master tightened his grip on her cheeks to emphasize his point. "Do not apologize. You will never apologize for needing me." His voice was firm and unwavering. "Do not feel responsible for the fate of the Republic. Do not feel responsible for me, Jaina. I am responsible for you."
"If I'd figured out a way to—"
"—No," Obi-Wan interrupted, his voice growing stern. "I said no 'ifs'," he repeated. "There is no point in thinking about how things could have been. Your focus should be on the future, not the past."
"But that's what I'm doing!" Jaina protested. "Making sure what happened doesn't happen again—"
The Jedi Master shook his head. "By reliving the same situation over and over in your head? By punishing yourself, your body? By training at 3 in the morning, and not getting adequate sleep?"
His grip softened a bit as he looked at her, but his face was still stern.
"My little Padawan…that is not the path to improvement. That is not the path to growth." He paused, and his voice softened even more. "That is a path to misery."
Jaina sighed softly, her eyes lowering once more to the floor.
Obi-Wan gently tilted her face up. "Do not do this, Jaina," he whispered. "You are spiralling. You are spiralling again. We have already discussed this. You did the right thing. You did everything you were supposed to do, everything I've trained you to do."
He gently lowered his hands to her forearms. "I know for a fact that I have not been teaching you to always make the safe choice," he said firmly. "Or to stand down in the face of adversity…I've taught you to listen to your instincts. To do what you know needs to be done for the bigger picture." The Jedi Master gazed at her. "And you did. You were brave, and you retrieved extra intel. I am grateful for that. It was not your fault Ventress found you."
"Now you know. In the future, you need to be a little more careful when attempting to break through Separatist firewalls in order to steal intel—it was a lesson. You must treat it as such."
"What has happened, has happened." His voice was quiet, gentle, but stern. "Now let it go, dear one. This war is far from finished with us. We still have a ways to go."
Jaina nodded wearily, blowing out a long exhale. "Yes, Master."
"And, no matter what," Obi-Wan said quietly. "I would have come to your rescue either way. Do you understand?" He stared intently at his little Padawan. "You are not responsible for my fate. I am responsible for yours."
Jaina stared at him silently for several moments, her mind continuing to process. Her expression eventually softened, the deep frown leaving her soft features. "I can't…promise that I won't…overwork my mind again…when something…comes up…"
"Oh, I'm very well aware, little one," Obi-Wan said dryly. "Just remember…that I am always there to catch you, no matter what happens. That even if you stumble…you shall never fall."
"I will always catch you…my brave, resilient, fierce little overthinking one." He teased, squeezing her forearms.
Jaina giggled, a warm, earnest smile crossing her features.
His heart warmed at her laugh, as it always did. "Now…" He said quietly. "You will not let me wake to find you training at 3 in the morning again. Is that understood?"
"Yes, Master."
"Good." Obi-Wan smiled gently, then picked up her lightsaber from the floor.
His little one needed him, he knew. But, she needed to remember that he needed her, too.
"You are never alone, my little one," he whispered, holding her lightsaber hilt out to her. "Remember—'I am yours, and you are mine'."
"…'As it was. As it is." Jaina smiled softly, taking the hilt back into her hands. "'As it shall be'."
"…'As it was'…"
Obi-Wan smiled softly, gently cupping her cheek with a hand.
"…'As it is'…"
He planted a small, paternal kiss on the top of her head as he stood up, his heart aching for his Padawan—his little girl—for all that she deserved, but had never gotten.
"…'As it shall be'."
For one brief, beautiful moment, it was as if…
...their lives weren't surrounded by war and pain, and death and destruction.
...they were allowed to just be…together, safe, comfortable, loved.
A silent, solemn vow between a Master and his Padawan—between a father and his little one—who cared about one another more than either were willing to admit.
"My brave little warrior."
A/N:
Stg. Oddball: Definitely going to be seeing more of these two together as time goes by hehe! ;)
Princesselsaamidala22: Soon, maybe! :D
