A/N: Hi hi! Happy Monday and happy IWM day! I'm so happy so many of you are excited to have this fic back. I'm really excited to share it all with you :)


For several nights, a feeling of dread and anxiety filled Hailey as she slept. She couldn't shake it when she woke, but she also couldn't place it. Nothing stood out to her to place why there was such a fear. She couldn't remember any nightmares or specific images filling her mind. All she did was toss and turn.

Luckily for her, after the fourth night of restless sleep, she had an appointment with Robin and was all too ready to share what was happening. Her therapist seemed shocked that she so willingly had something to say and a specific question to begin their session. Unfortunately, it didn't give her much closure or explanation. Robin asked questions about stress at work and if there was anything that happened in her past around this time to possibly explain what her dreams were about, but Hailey couldn't think of anything.

Adam getting shot still bothered her, and yet it wasn't anything that she figured would keep her up at night. He was home and safe and as happy as he could be given the circumstances. There wasn't anything else the rest of them could do about it. There was as much closure as they could get given the case. Now they needed to pick up the pieces and move on.

And her childhood was littered with memories of abuse or sadness, but nothing stood out to her as a big event right now. She was sure there was trauma deep down, she was just also sure she had worked through a lot of it. It wasn't a common thing for the abuse from her father to creep into her dreams at night.

She also brought up the thought of changing her last name, but she personally shot that down almost as soon as it was out of her mouth. While she was still questioning whether or not she was going to officially bite the bullet and do it, she knew changing her name to Halstead was not enough to give her nightmares. The process of doing it was enough to stress her out, but not enough to wake her up in the middle of the night. Robin even reminded her that there was a lot of information online about that process, so Hailey dropped that topic.

The same went for her thoughts on her future. She and Jay had decided that having children was going to be something that happened in a couple years. They deserved to have more alone time in their marriage before taking a leap with kids. There was nothing about that that worried her right now, but she still couldn't help but wonder if that was connecting with her past to create anything scary in the back of her mind.

There were too many options as to what was going on, and it all made her head spin.

Hailey left the appointment feeling more frustrated than when she entered. She hated that there wasn't a clear explanation as to why she might be having such random anxiety when she woke up. It didn't seem fair. She was trying to be better and work through her issues. There was no reason as to why she needed more setbacks than what she'd been given.

"Isn't she supposed to be the professional?" she asked Jay that night as she sat with him behind her on their bed so he could rub her back, "Why the hell doesn't she know what could be causing my dreams?"

"Well, to start, she can't read your mind or see into your brain," Jay said.

Hailey pursed her lips and looked over her shoulder at him.

He bit his lip, his hands stilling on her lower back. "Sorry, that…sorry, I shouldn't make jokes. I just don't know what to tell you. That's honestly part of the reason, I think: she wasn't there while you grew up and she's not at work with you and she definitely doesn't know what's going on in your brain. There are some things she just can't explain as much as you'd like."

Hailey sighed and leaned back into him, closing her eyes as he wrapped his arms around her and held his back to her chest.

She knew he was right. While Robin was a professional, she wasn't a mind reader. She could ask questions and give advice, but she couldn't always provide explanations. The point of therapy wasn't to understand why every little thing in her life happened, but to learn how to deal with it when it did. Robin did give her some suggestions about falling asleep better and creating a better environment within the bedroom, hence the backrub she had received from Jay after her shower. She couldn't just write Robin off as being pointless: she had learned a lot from her throughout her sessions.

Writing her thoughts in her notebook did help clear her mind. Being open to Jay about her fears at work did break down more barriers between them. The breathing exercises did help her ground herself when she woke up alone. And the reminders that she was not to blame for every bad thing that ever happened to her kept her present and maybe brought tears to her eyes every time they came up. Therapy was good for her, and while it wasn't going to answer every single question she had about what was going on in her mind, she appreciated that it gave her a safe space to ask everything.

"It sucks," she mumbled.

"I know," Jay said softly. He kissed the top of her head and tightened his arms around her. "I'm also sorry that I can't give you much help. I wish I could take your dreams away."

"So you have them?" Hailey asked. Her eyes opened, and she shifted in Jay's hold to press her cheek to the center of his chest. "I don't want you having any more nightmares. You don't deserve that."

Jay remained quiet, but still shrugged. His hands returned to slowly brush along her, his fingers occasionally teasing beneath her shirt or along the seams of her sleep shorts.

Hailey frowned at his silent response. He didn't deserve to be haunted by whatever was disturbing her. He had enough on his plate as it was. Just the other day, before her own nightmares began, she'd woken up to the sound of the shower running. She'd known what had happened instantly and made her way to the bathroom to see him sitting under the frozen stream of water. Her heart had broken as she sat outside the shower and waited for him to shut it off.

"When you're ready," she'd said just loud enough that she hoped he heard her through the glass.

It'd taken him close to five more minutes before he reached up to turn off the water. She'd tried smiling at him while standing up, reaching over for a towel that she used to help him dry off before peeling his wet pajamas from him.

When she brought him back to bed, she pressed long, slow kisses to his skin all while whispering how much she loved him. It wasn't until she tucked the blankets tight around them that he finally spoke, first telling her he was sorry for waking her up and then explaining what had happened. She had hated listening to everything that scared him, the thought of reliving all the explosions he'd gone through over and over again in his mind making her tear up herself. She hated even more when he still seemed off and quiet the next day, but she tried her best to continue to remind him how much he meant to her and that he was safe at home. The thought that he was trapped in an endless loop in his mind where he was tortured and in pain haunted her.

Part of her wondered if that was why she was having so much anxiety at night. Maybe his fears were bleeding into hers. She sighed at the thought and wished that she would have brought it up to Robin.

"You want to get under the blankets?" Jay murmured in her ear.

Hailey nodded and sat up so they could both push the covers away until they could slip beneath them. She quickly closed the distance between them again and set her hand in the middle of his chest. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," he replied. His arms wrapped around her, tugging her further on top of him. He slipped his fingers to her lower back and gently kneaded, leaning down to press his lips to the top of her forehead.

She sniffled and wiped at the tears that came to her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she breathed, "Why'd this have to happen to us?"

Again, she expected Jay to say something, but he didn't. Instead, he shook his head and tightened his arms around her. He breathed in shakily as he shifted his hand up to her hair.

Hailey blinked against the tears in her eyes and tilted her head up to try and look at him. "Jay?" she whispered, "Are you-"

"I'm the one who's sorry," he interrupted, "So don't…don't apologize for any of it. I should be the one taking your nightmares away. I did something selfish, and now we're both dealing with the consequences."

"Jay," she repeated, scrambling against the blankets until she could sit up in his lap, "Jay, this isn't…I'm fine."

He shook his head and pursed his lips.

"Okay, maybe I'm not, but-"

"But it's my fault," Jay said as he sat up. He gripped her waist and added, "There is nothing I hate more than the thought of hurting you. I never, ever intended to do that and then…then my head got all screwed up and here we are."

"Jay," Hailey breathed, "We…we got past this."

"But it's still there," Jay sighed, "It's still in my nightmares, and it's still in yours. Yes, we're happier now, and I got a new job, but it still haunts me to think of how badly I hurt you. We're both in therapy, and it's helping, and yet…there's nothing I can do to erase the past. I'm sorry."

Hailey blinked quickly and shook her head. "I-I know you are. I'm not blaming you."

"Maybe you should," Jay said. He breathed in shakily and set a hand on her cheek. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head again and knocked his hand away just so she could place both hers on either side of his face. "We moved on," she whispered, tears threatening to fall over, "My nightmares aren't because of you – at least, we don't know that they are. I am so screwed up-"

"Hailey-"

"I am. There are a lot of reasons that I could be having a tough time sleeping. Maybe Robin couldn't pinpoint exactly what the reason was, but she did remind me of that."

"She reminded you that you're screwed up?" Jay asked incredulously.

"No," Hailey sighed, "She just reminded me that I have a lot of sad things in my past – not just because of my dad, but because of work like with Booth and getting kidnapped and-and…okay stuff with you too, but…"

Jay's face fell, and he closed his eyes briefly.

It's when Hailey realized her pain was never about what he personally had done, but what could have happened to him because of those actions.

He could have died, and losing him like that would have been ten times worse than the pain she felt when he left the year before. And it wasn't just dying in Bolivia. He could have died in Chicago countless times. She hated that there were two specific times where she found herself next to him with her hands pressed to his chest or searching for a bullet wound. The pain of losing him like that…she didn't think she could outlive it.

"I can't ever have you die," she whispered, "That's what scares me. You came home, yes, but…but you could have died. When I first got that phone call that you were in an explosion, it was like every fear I've ever had came true. It was no longer about you leaving me or what had happened in that warehouse. It was the thought of living without you for good. And it didn't just happen there. Don't you remember getting shot here? In Chicago? Jay, that will forever be my biggest fear. Whether we were together or not, the thought of you dying terrified me. That came up before you ever kissed me in that bar."

Her words sat between them for a moment, and a handful of tears finally fell down Hailey's cheeks. She sniffled, but didn't wipe them in fear that any sort of movement would break them out of their thoughts. She needed to Jay to truly hear her and understand what she was saying: in no world did she blame him for what she was going through right now. Her nightmares were hers and hers alone. She refused to blame her husband for what she was going through right now after they'd already been through so much. They could not throw away any of their progress just because she was currently having a setback.

"You really loved me, didn't you?" Jay said quietly as a small smile flickered across his face.

Hailey weakly laughed and nodded quickly. "I always have."

Jay brushed the back of his fist to his cheek before reaching over to wipe away her tears with his thumb. "We'll get through this."

"I know," she whispered, "It'll take some time, but we'll figure it out."

"Yeah," Jay murmured. He studied her for a moment then shook his head and leaned forward to kiss her. "I'm lucky to have you," he breathed.

She smiled and set her hand on the side of his neck, letting her fingers card through the back of his hair. "And I'm lucky to have you," she said, "Especially when I'm going through stuff like this. No matter how independent I want to be, I will always need you."

Chuckling, Jay kissed the side of her lips again before tugging her down in their bed. He squeezed her gently and whispered, "I'll always be here. Whatever you need tonight, okay? Wake me up if it happens again."

"You know it will," she sighed.

"Well, we'll stay positive and hope for the best," Jay said. Rubbing his hand over her back, he added, "I know it's frustrating, but we'll figure it out."

Hailey nodded and wiped her eyes again. Curling further up against him, she breathed in shakily and tried slowing down her heart rate. She could take several slow deep breaths and count to eight and force herself to stay as still as possible, but she knew that it could all end in nothing. There was no controlling what happened when she closed her eyes.

Right then, though, Jay started brushing his fingers through the back of her hair, and she had a flicker of hope that she could eventually have a full night's rest. Nothing was guaranteed, but at least she had Jay to help her through it.

That was something she was always going to be grateful for.


The coffee in the break room wasn't awful, but Hailey didn't exactly enjoy having to drink it. She just needed something to get through the day.

She had woken up just before four in the morning and managed to not wake Jay for about half an hour. She spent that time hiding her phone light beneath the covers as she did another deep dive into the process of changing her last name.

A decision had yet to be made regarding the matter, but Hailey felt like the more information she knew about it and the more opinions she had, then the better she would feel about whatever she decided to do. It did feel like a lot of work, and she realized that many of the blogs had a good point in saying she should probably just take a day off of work to get it done, but as she'd been feeling closer to Jay, she really was starting to truly consider becoming a Halstead.

Her tattoo did connect him to her forever, and yet the idea of having his last name be hers – something that everyone would be able to acknowledge and hear – felt even more exciting. It'd really make them a family, and that was exactly what they seemed to need right now.

When Jay inevitably did open his eyes because she'd stretched out her legs next to him and nudged his feet, he didn't shame her for waking up or try to force her to go back to sleep. He simply held her close and mumbled about their plans for the day. It was not an ideal way to spend a morning before work, but it was comforting after she'd woken to fear coursing through her.

The coffee he'd made her over breakfast was a lot better than the mug she was having now, but this would do, especially since she was about to head out to interview a victim with Kim.

"You ready?" Kim asked while stepping into the break room.

Hailey hummed and held up a finger as she took another sip of coffee. "Let me just finish this real quick."

Kim nodded and leaned against the door. "You've been having a lot lately. Everything okay or are you just super into the district coffee now?"

Hailey laughed and shook her head. "Just been having a hard time sleeping."

"That sucks," Kim said softly, "I hate when that happens. If you want to stop for Starbucks or something on the way to Med, we can. It'll probably taste a lot better than whatever expired coffee grounds are in there."

Hailey rolled her eyes. "I don't think it's expired. It's just…random."

Kim laughed with her and said, "Sure."

Taking another sip, Hailey winced and decided that Kim was right. She shook her head then dumped the coffee into the sink. "We can stop at that café around the corner from Med. I don't want hospital coffee either."

Smiling, Kim nodded and led the way out to her car. Hailey remained quiet as she looked over the file she had grabbed off her desk to refresh the case details on the way to the hospital. They'd caught a kidnapping case the day before, and their victim, a college student from Iowa on vacation, was found wandering the streets during the early morning. She didn't remember what had happened to her or where she'd even been, so they were working to not just provide answers to the girl, but also figure out who had taken her in the first place. There was too much unknown, and Hailey wanted to sort through it all in order to best question the girl.

"Any reason you can't sleep?" Kim suddenly asked, "Is it the case?"

Hailey glanced up and shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I…I don't know what's going on, actually. I tried talking to Robin about it too, but who knows. There's a lot happening right now, so maybe it's just all exploding in my head or something."

Frowning, Kim nodded and said, "Awful. I'm sorry."

"Thanks," Hailey sighed. She closed the folder and stared out the window as Kim drove. "How's Adam?"

"He's…he's getting there. It's not easy, that's for sure. Sometimes, it's like he's physically in a better space than he is emotionally, but then something will happen and suddenly he can run up and down the stairs while the thought of not going to work in the morning absolutely debilitates him," Kim explained quietly.

Hailey nodded knowingly and glanced over at her. "It's hard to watch."

Kim nodded as well and mumbled, "Yeah, it is. I hate that we've all gone through it. I'm watching him struggle, but he watched me go through it. Jay's done it, so you've had this same feeling. It sucks."

"It really does."

Hailey stared at her for a moment before attempting to give her privacy by staring back out the window. Watching a loved one go through something horrible was never going to be an easy task, and the fact that she was still watching Jay wrap his head around his new life while he was also watching her struggle didn't make any of it easier. They were stuck in a weird spot, and she wasn't sure what exactly could get them out of it.

Maybe figuring out what exactly was eating at her while she slept would help.


The victim's name was Kiara, and she had turned twenty before deciding to take a solo trip to Chicago for a week. Listening to her cry as she shared that she had absolutely no idea what had happened to her after showing up at a random bar for a drink. The goal was to have a beer then walk back to her hotel for the night.

What ended up happening, though, was she had a beer at the bar, met a group of people about her age, then woke up in a house two miles away from the hotel with no recollection as to how she got there. There wasn't anyone there with her, but her phone was waiting for her on the coffee table. No pictures or videos, just a handful of texts and calls from her family back home asking her what was going on.

"Isn't there like a medicine or something you can give me to make me remember?" she asked after having to say 'I don't know' for the fifth time.

"I'm sorry, I wish there was," Hailey said gently, "But until then, we'll work on figuring out what we can."

"And maybe it's for the best right now that you don't remember," Kim added, "If all you can focus on is getting better, than that's what you should do. Let us handle the hard stuff."

Kiara wiped her eyes and nodded. "I promise to keep trying, though, I really will."

Hailey reached over to squeeze her shoulder and said, "Thank you. Feel free to call us if anything comes up." She quickly wrote out her number on a piece of paper then left it on the table by the bed before walking out of the room with Kim.

"Remembering will make it all worse," Kim mumbled once the door was close, "She deserves to have a clean recovery."

"But she also deserves to know what happened," Hailey sighed, "It's a sticky situation."

They turned to make their way out of the hospital just for Will to step off of the elevator in front of them and nod in their direction. "Kiara remember anything?" he asked.

"Nothing," Kim said, "And we're not sure if that's a good thing for her or not."

Will shook his head and replied, "I think I'd need the closure. Rape kit came back with two different guys' DNA and the toxicology report had a range of drugs in her system." He passed them a folder and added, "I think it's good she can't remember whatever happened to her, but she's gonna want the whole story eventually. Hopefully there's something in there that can help you two out."

"Thank you," Hailey said. She thumbed through the folder for a moment then asked, "Did you send this to Voight yet?"

"Yeah, made sure to let Kevin and Platt know too – not my first rodeo," Will answered. Crossing his arms, he asked, "Do you have any idea when you can get this wrapped or even be done for the night? We haven't all gotten dinner in a while."

"No idea," Hailey sighed, passing Kim the folder, "Jay was talking about getting Thai this morning. I can text you when I get out if that ends up happening."

Kim glanced up and laughed slightly. "Platt still makes her leave by seven if necessary. It'll happen."

"On lockdown or something?" Will chuckled.

Hailey shook her head, crossing her arms as she leaned into her hip. "Just a thing we started when Jay came home."

Will hummed knowingly. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, though, a nurse came out of a nearby room and said, "Dr. Halstead, can I have a moment?"

"Sure," Will replied. He lightly hit Hailey's arm and added, "Call me," before stepping away.

Breathing in slowly, Hailey watched after him and chewed her lip. It was as if she'd forgotten there were other Halsteads in the world. Changing her last name wasn't just tying her to Jay, but tying her to his brother and their parents and their dad's legacy amongst them.

It wasn't a big deal, but something else she was going to have to consider moving forward.

"Ready to head out?" Kim asked.

Hailey hummed her reply and began following her toward the elevator. As they stepped inside, she glanced over and figured it couldn't hurt to share what she was thinking about out loud. She'd been trying to get better at communicating anyways.

"When you and Adam were going to get married, were you going to change your last name?"

Kim looked over, surprised, and asked, "Where's this coming from?"

"Just answer the question," Hailey countered.

Kim scoffed softly, but still managed a laugh before saying, "Before Makayla, yes. I…we've been…we're a thing now, and a family, and I've been thinking about it more, and I'm a little torn. Would I love to be Kim Ruzek? Yeah, I think so. But Makayla's last name is Burgess, and that feels like it makes everything a hell of a lot more complicated. She calls him 'Dad,' but can I really change her last name again?"

Hailey nodded and muttered, "I get that."

"But that's also in the future," Kim continued, "I-I don't know if we'll ever get to that point again – I mean, I'd love if we did – but I can't push it right now. We've got something good going, and I don't want to put pressure on it. Not while he's still recovering."

Hailey nodded again. "That makes sense."

The elevator pinged as it opened, and Kim stepped out as she asked, "Are you thinking about changing your last name?"

"I think so," Hailey admitted quietly, "We're in a really good place, and it feels like the right next step, but…"

"It's a lot?" Kim guessed. When Hailey nodded, she said, "It's a big decision, and people act like it's not. I mean, our last name is a part of who we are. It feels weird to just drop it, even if we love our guys an infinite amount."

"Exactly," Hailey sighed, "Plus, with our jobs, is it weird?"

Kim shrugged. "I don't know. I'm sure people do it in every field. Personally, I don't think that's something that you should think a lot about. He doesn't work with us anymore. To me, it's the choice of moving forward in your life without Upton tied to it. Are you okay with being Hailey Halstead?"

A smile crossed Hailey's face at the sound of what her name could potentially be. She did like the warmth it brought to her gut and the thought of being even more connected to Jay. They have been a pair for years now, but this would be that final step that really tells everyone who she is.

Kim caught her eye and smiled herself. "I like it," she said softly, "So I'm a hundred percent on board, but if you want to stay Hailey Upton, then I'm all for that too. I'm on your side, promise."

"Thank you," Hailey said, "I appreciate it."

Together, they walked out to the car in silence. Hailey kept mulling over being called Hailey Halstead, and she had a feeling Kim was starting to imagine what her future with Adam was going to look like.

Months before, Trudy had sat them down and told them they were in relationships with determined, confident men. It was only made more complicated by the fact that the two of them were also incredibly independent and strong-minded. Thinking back to that day in the locker room, though, Hailey knew all of that was tied together with the fact that independent people still needed to depend on others, and that was okay.

If she needed to lean on anyone in her life, having Jay be the one who holds her up at the end of a long day was always going to be the right option.


~ Leaving now. I saw Will at the hospital and he's into Thai. Want me to pick it up on the way home? I can text him too ~

~ Can we raincheck? ~ Jay Halstead

~ Please ~ Jay Halstead

Hailey closed her car door as she stared at her phone screen. It wasn't even as late as she'd been anticipating it would be when she walked out, so it all made it that much more perfect for dinner. She knew Jay hated eating late, but went with it because it meant spending time with her. Tack Will onto that, and she figured it would all work out and lead to a nice night. Maybe she'd even get to sleep tonight if she was going to bed with a smile on her face and a full stomach.

As soon as her phone was connected to her car, she pressed Jay's name on her screen and waited for him to pick up.

"Hailey, I-"

"Are you sick? It's too late for you to be at work, so if you're still there, I'll call Jack and straighten that out."

Jay let out a quiet laugh before saying, "I'm at home. I…I actually left work early today. I needed…"

Hailey let go of the gearshift and sat back in her seat. "What happened?"

"Can you just tell Will we'll get dinner with him another night?"

He sounded tired, and Hailey could picture him at the island in the kitchen, sitting there staring at the fridge. He probably wanted a beer, but he'd been waiting for her to come home to ever have one to keep the trust strong between the two of them. She appreciated it more than she could ever tell him, and yet she still almost felt guilty in this moment because she knew he was holding off for her.

"Jay, what-"

"Hailey, please."

She closed her eyes. Maybe he didn't need a beer, but he clearly needed her to step up right now. If they had wanted to lean on each other, she was going to have to be the one to prop him up right now. She couldn't ask the questions she wanted to right now. Not when he needed her to just support him.

"I'll let him know, and then I'll be on my way, I promise," she whispered.

"I believe you."

A smile flickered across her face as she watched the time tick on beneath his name on her car screen. "Want me to stay on?" she asked softly.

"No, uh, no," Jay said before clearing his throat, "I think I'm gonna take a shower. I've been…I've just kind of been zoning out. Sorry, I-"

"Don't apologize," she gently interrupted, "Take your time. I'll be there soon. I love you."

"And I love you. So much. Hailey, I love you."

"I know you do, I know. We'll be okay. I'll be home soon."

She hesitated with her hand out toward the screen. Her finger shook in front of the big red button. She didn't want to be the one to let go. If Jay needed her, then she was going to be here for him every step of the way. There wasn't anywhere else she'd rather be.

"I'm gonna hang up so you can text Will," Jay murmured, "And then I'll get in the shower, and you can come home."

"Sounds like a plan," she said softly, "See you in a few."

Jay hung up before he could reply, and Hailey closed her eyes. It wasn't the most communicative he'd been in the past few months, but it also wasn't the least. They could have setbacks in their communication because she knew they would not end their marriage.

Having bad days was allowed and necessary for survival. If they were positive and doing great all the time, there wouldn't be any growth. They needed to hit speed bumps every once in a while in order to prove to themselves that they were able to overcome them.

They were going to be fine.


Hailey was able to remain calm as she drove home, but once she was parked and walking up to the apartment building, a fear began coursing through her, and she sped up until she was practically running to the elevator.

They were going to be fine, but she didn't know if Jay was fine right now. He needed her, and she was in an elevator that just would not speed up. It was nearly as frustrating as being in Chicago when he was stateside in Maryland.

Maybe not as life threatening, though.

She tried keeping things in perspective as she hurried down the hallway toward their front door and nearly dropped her keys upon trying to unlock in.

"I'm home," she said as she stepped inside, "Jay, I'm here."

Hailey kicked her shoes off and practically tripped over them as she hurried into the bedroom.

"Jay," she called toward the closed bathroom door, "I'm home."

There was a beat where Hailey swore she couldn't breathe before the door was pushed open and Jay stepped out with a towel tied around his waist.

"I'm so sorry," he said, "I-I-"

"No, no, hey," Hailey breathed as she rushed forward, "Whatever it is, we can handle it. I promise."

"I know, I know that," Jay said when he shakily grabbed her waist, "But…I figured out why you've been having those nightmares. At least, I think I figured it out."

Hailey tilted her head up and raised an eyebrow. "Jay, we're not talking about me. We're-"

"Today's my return date," Jay breathed, "I think we both knew, deep down, and it's been playing with our heads."

"Oh."

Instead of pulling back, though, Hailey found herself taking a step closer to Jay. He would have been coming home today had he not gotten hurt. She would have been driving to the airport today to pick him up had he not gotten hurt. They would have been having some sort of celebration or at least a conversation today had he not gotten hurt. None of what had happened over the past few months would have happened had he not gotten hurt.

It also meant that all of their progress and all of the good moments they had – like renewing their vows and going ax throwing and starting new jobs and spending so much time together and even going to therapy – would not have happened had he not gotten hurt.

In no world would she ever want to erase any of that. There was pain and a lot of tears over the past few months, but she also felt closer to Jay than she ever had before. Perhaps it was because he had gotten hurt, their marriage survived his absence.

Through his pain and suffering and all the burn cream they could ever imagine, they learned that what made them great as partners was what made them even better as husband and wife: their trust in each other. Jay had trusted her to take care of him when he was at his worst, and she trusted him to love her through all the mental turmoil she was going through as well.

She didn't know what their lives would have looked like had Jay not gotten hurt, but she knew that they came out stronger because he had.

"So I'm sorry that I'm the reason behind all of this," Jay continued quietly, "The second I saw what was written on my calendar, I called my therapist. I figured I could talk with her through it all and then I could face you and-and it did work, but I've just…that guilt I had before is coming back hard, and I'm so sorry."

Hailey took a deep breath and slid her hands up his chest. "Breathe," she whispered, "You're okay, we're okay."

"I-I am breathing," Jay said, "I'm just trying to apologize."

"You don't know that you're the reason behind my nightmares," Hailey said, "Maybe the dates are lining up, but that could all just be a coincidence. I'm not going to yell at you for something we've discussed months ago, Jay, I just want you to breathe."

She rubbed her left hand over the middle of his chest, right where she could feel his heart beating erratically, and watched her thin ring glint in the lamplight.

"We should sit," she continued softly, "Come here. Let's sit, and you can tell me what you talked about at therapy."

"No, I need to apologize," Jay repeated, "You're not sleeping because of what I did. You just got over it, and now you're not sleeping again. I want to apologize."

"All right, all right," Hailey breathed, "You…"

She didn't want him to keep apologizing for what had happened. She was over it. They had done the apologies and reconnected in all the necessary ways. Apologizing again would be like beating a dead horse. There was no reason to it.

But now, with Jay's heart pounding against her palm and his eyes searching hers for some sign of anger, she knew that the reason behind a repeated apology might not be for her, but for him. Jay needed to get the words out one more time, and he was the one who needed to hear them. If clearing his conscious was what he needed tonight to calm down, then she was going to go along with it.

"You can apologize," she finished, "I'll hear you out. I promise. Go ahead and tell me what you're thinking."

Jay breathed in slowly then nodded and squeezed her waist. "Even if your nightmares leading up to today were all a coincidence, how we feel today is because of me and a choice I made without you. I'm sorry for that. I know I've said it before, but I need to say it again because that choice is still affecting you – us, it's still affecting us."

"Yeah," she hummed, "It is."

Jay nodded with her and brushed his thumb along the edge of her shirt. "So I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. If I can do anything to help you get through all of this, please let me know."

She had been keeping him in the loop. She hadn't hidden anything from him about not being able to sleep and the steps she was going to take to get back into some sort of schedule. But still, she nodded and whispered, "I will. I promise."

It was simple enough, and yet Jay's shoulders still relaxed, and he let out a breath he'd been holding.

"There you go," she said softly, "Do you feel better?"

He weakly laughed and shrugged. "I don't know. The second I realized what day it was, I sort of freaked out thinking I'm the reason you've been like this."

"But like I've told you so many times, we don't know that's true," Hailey said, grabbing his hand and beginning to walk him backwards toward their bed, "Even Robin wasn't convinced. She said it really could be anything, maybe even a vitamin or hormones or anything. You cannot take the blame for something just because you're worried."

He sat with her on the bed and put his head in his hands. "I just hate not knowing."

"Trust me," Hailey said with a soft laugh, "I feel the exact same way." She began slowly tracing random patterns on his back in a small attempt to get him to calm down. "We've been through a lot and still have a lot going on in our lives. Nothing is easy."

Jay made a quiet noise to acknowledge her and nodded.

Hailey frowned, but remained quiet as he slowly caught his breath. The dates did line up, and perhaps she did realize what day it was subconsciously, but it really didn't seem important right now. What was important was all of the good that had come to them recently and was going to happen as they moved forward.

"Jay," she began gently, "There's going to be a July 2nd every year, do you realize that? The day's not going to disappear."

"Yeah," he sighed as he sat up, "Nicole told me that too."

Hailey tried to smile and moved her hand to his thigh. Squeezing gently, she said, "And the other days are going to come up too. The day you left, the day you got hurt, the day you came home. There's going to be a lot of anniversaries of sad events, but as we go forward, I think we have to fill the spaces between them with happier things. We deserve to be happy, and we shouldn't constantly be focusing on the past, don't you think?"

Jay met her eyes and smiled slightly. "You're right. As always. Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Hailey replied, "But I'll take more of you telling me I'm right."

Jay chuckled and looked down at his hands no longer shaking in front of him. "Keep saying smart stuff like that, and I'll happily tell you you're right."

Hailey laughed and kissed his shoulder. "Deal," she said softly.

Letting out a long breath, Jay leaned his head on top of hers and muttered, "I love you."

"I love you too," she breathed, rubbing her hand over his leg, "Through it all."

"And forever," Jay added before turning enough to kiss her forehead.

She smiled as she closed her eyes and breathed him in. Slowly, she could tell that he was calming down next to her. While she'd been thrown off by him being suddenly hit with the past, she completely understood where he came from and knew, deep down, that it was going to happen again.

In a few months, she could be the one who goes through a PTSD episode because of the memory of Jay leaving her. She would bet that Jay would probably have some sort of emotions on the anniversary of the day he woke up in the hospital, and she knew she was going to have a hard time remembering what it was like to get the phone call from Walter Reed telling her he was there. But it was a part of their life now, and how they moved forward, like everything else in their lives, was going to define who they were as people.

Going forward, they could try to create happier memories on these days, and she knew exactly how she could do just that right now.

"Jay," she whispered.

He hummed and turned enough to get a better view of her face.

Hailey took a deep breath and felt her heart rate speed up at the words she was finally going to speak aloud: "I'm going to change my last name."

Jay blinked and tilted his head to the side. "You…you're changing your last name."

"To Halstead," she explained softly, "I want to officially be Hailey Upton-Halstead."

She could be his wife, be tied to him forever by her last name, and still keep that part of her that she was proud of. She could compromise and prove not only that she'd stood by her husband through the darkest period of his life, but that she'd also survived her childhood when all the odds were stacked against her.

There was a beat where she wondered if Jay was going to fight her on it, but then a smile spread across his face, and he asked, "Are you serious?"

It reminded her of when she asked him to marry her and there was a hint of hope in his eyes despite the sadness they were experiencing at the time.

"I am," she assured, "I've been thinking about it a lot since it came up the other day, and I want it. I want to be tied to you forever."

"Because a tattoo isn't enough," Jay said, a laugh starting to tease his voice.

She laughed softly and shook her head. Grabbing his hand in hers, she said, "The tattoo is because you changed me for the better. My name is because I'm yours, and I've never been so sure of anything in my life. I've done a lot with Upton at work, but I've done even more as Hailey with you, and I want to be me."

"So Hailey Anne Upton-Halstead," Jay said. He smiled at her and nodded. "I like it."

"It'll tie us together and make it clear when we have kids that I'm their mom," she explained, "But it'll also give me that ability to still be my own person at work. Not that I don't want to be you, but-"

"But Hailey Upton belongs in Intelligence," Jay gently interrupted. He placed his free hand on the side of her face and brushed her thumb under her eye. "Detective Upton can change the world, and Hailey Halstead has changed mine."

She weakly laughed and blinked against the few tears that sprung to her eyes. "Careful," she breathed, "We just calmed down, we don't want to get emotional again."

Laughing, Jay shook his head and closed the distance between the two of them to kiss her slowly. "I love you," he murmured, "Mrs. Hailey Halstead."

She laughed against his lips and whispered, "And I love you, Mr. Jay Halstead."

He laughed harder and slipped his hand in her hair before pressing her back into their mattress.

As she closed her eyes and helped him tug her jeans from her legs, she knew in the back of her head that she was going to be able to sleep tonight. Whether it was the thought of her name or Jay coming home or even her past that was at the root of her insomnia, she really didn't care in this moment.

They were happy and together, and nothing was going to change that no matter how loud their fears of the past were.


A/N: Let me know what you think? :)