'Hardly Kirk-ing Bart pranks Milhouse with glue and gets some in his hair. So he gives him a haircut to get it out but he resembles his dad Kirk. They also discover if Milhouse wears his tie too tight he sounds like his Dad. Cue them using this to cause trouble. And Homer really likes colouring in books too much...
Plot
The title gag is Lance Murdock cheering a "Yeehaw!" While riding his motorcycle in mid air in a jump.
The couch gag is The Simpsons sit on the couch and a knight slices his sword across to decapitate them. He only decapitates Homer and slices off some of Marge's tall hair do. The knight storms off. The Simpsons are horrified and Lisa goes "Eeeeeeeew!"
"What did we do to provoke him?" Bart asked.
...
Homer watches pencils on the TV draw a clown jack in a box. He's watching a baby programme with Maggie and Eric.
"Clow?" said Clownja trying to figure out what the drawing was before realising it was a jack in a box.
Classic music is playing.
The kids come in.
"Dad, what are you watching?" Bart asked, wondering why he was watching a baby programme.
"I think it's a Terrence Malick movie." said Homer as the titles drew a clown jack in a box as classical music played.
"No, you're watching Baby Poindexter, the most educational DVD available at the checkout aisle at the grocery store." said Lisa.
"Finally, a kid's show that isn't trying to sell you something. Which reminds me, we need to order more rectangles." said Homer as colourful rectangles floated about on the TV.
"I agree..." said Oscar.
A female narrator spoke. "Friends." (Boing!) A dragon like orange sock puppet appeared."Aaaaaagh!" Homer screamed. A panda puppet appeared. Homer whimpered. (bells jingling) "Friends." The puppets hug. "Oh god!" Homer whimpered horrified. A bell rings as an elephant puppet in a suit appeared. "Colleagues." The puppets dance.
Homer screamed and hid behind the couch. "Turn it off! Turn it off!"
The kids sweat drop.
(gasps) "Don't watch that DVD. I threw that away because studies show it doesn't do any good." Marge gasped explaining the DVD rotted brains and showed another media article, a newspaper that she instantly listened to...
"Look at me! Look at me! Hmmmmmm! Mr Somali Pirate Captain..." Marge yelled because Homer was staring like a zombie at the TV.
There was suddenly the Somali Pirate from Captain Phillips. "Homer! Look at me! Look at me! She is the captain now!" The Somali pirate said sharp and slow pointing at his eyes.
Bart face palmed.
"Maybe instead of watching TV with the kids, you could take them outside." Marge nagged but Homer hallucinated her as shapes ie a circle for a face and semicircle fingers. He put her in a pose and turned her frown upside down so she was smiling. "What are you doing?!" We cut back to the actual Marge standing in a pose smiling. She spoke annoyed again. "This so-called educational DVD may have even stunted the development of the kids who watched it."
"Wait a minute. Didn't Bart and I both watch this thing when we were little?" Lisa asked.
"I'm afraid so." said Marge feeling blue.
"Well, the obvious question is, why did I turn out so academically superior while Bart..." Lisa asked but Marge quickly interrupted.
"While Bart turned out so wonderful in his own way." said Marge not wanting Bart's feelings hurt.
"That's the way people talk about Ralph." Bart whined. "Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter."
"That's a color Bart... it means brown, like contents of Maggie's diapers..." Hugo said with disgust.
"Fine... his favourite color is happy..." said Bart trying to explain Ralph was dumb.
"I wish I knew what happened..." Marge sighed as 3D shapes floated about on the TV.
Several years ago when Bart and Lisa were babies. (horn honking) Lisa was driving a toy car about a paper castle she built in the living room. Someone provided a moat for it. (imitates honking horn) That someone was Bart as a toddler lying down, in a trance from the DVD and drooling. "Aooooga... Aooooooga..."
"Eeeeeeeew! Baby Bart..." Oscar groaned as the flashback ended.
"But now that I know better, no DVDs for you kids." said Marge. "Just educational television." She put the TV to cable. A parody of Ice Road Truckers was on.
"We return to Ice Road Hand-Fishing." said a narrator.
"This has been our way of life since we were pitched the idea by reality show producers." A hick was wading in a hole of water in an ice path. He caught a fish holding onto his arm in its mouth. Suddenly a polar bear took the fish.
"Welcome to Thieving Bear Chopper Hunt." said a hick with a gun riding a helicopter.
"Okay, no TV at all." said Marge turning off the TV.
"What?" Everyone gasped.
"Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets." said Homer.
Oscar was polishing a shotgun.
"Fine. No TV for 24 hours." Marge relented.
"24 hours? Where'd you pull that crazy number?" Bart whined.
"We can do without TV for a day." said Marge. "We're taking Maggie to a children's book store, where she can learn the old-fashioned way. The way children did from 1910 to 2002."
Maggie worries wanted to watch the TV and hugged the DVD box. Marge pulled her but she wouldn't let go.
Marge grunts as she pulls Maggie. "Homer, a little help?"
"I'm on it." Homer pusher eject and the DVD draw popped out forcing Maggie backwards so Marge could pick her up. But Maggie took the DVD and put the teat of her pacifier through the hole in the middle and sucked on her pacifier.
"Hmmmmmmmmmm..." Marge sighed.
"A book store? Sweet!" said Lisa high fiving Hugo.
"Eureka!" Hugo cheered.
Bart face palmed and shook his head exasperated by his geeky brother and sister.
...
At a book store called Forevermore. There was a banner saying it was closing in three weeks...
Inside Kids were running about like maniacs and whacking each other with the hard toys and making a mess. In fact even the Spuckler children were there.
Bart saw Mary. However she was still upset with him over him mistreating her in Love is a many Splintered Thing.
Homer finds a kiosk selling a parody of the Kindle called the Kuddle... You can reference things... Matt...
"No I can't!" Matt cried,
He picks one up and hums interested.
"If I buy you, why do I need all these books?" Homer asked the Kuddle.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" The Magic mirror from Snow White yelled. Um okay...
Oscar winced as he walked past.
"Instead of watching TV, we can read children's books written by TV stars." said Marge carrying Maggie as she went past bookshelves. On one shelf was a volume of babies bedtime stories called "You're Tired." By Donald Trump as he tells a little baby boy wearing blue feet pyjamas standing in a crib to go to sleep.
Oscar laughed hysterically when he saw it.
Then there was a parody of Roald Dahl's James and the Giant Peach called Kevin James and the Giant Peach. The peach had been eaten down to its stone and some flesh on top and the bottom.
Oscar laughed.
"Okay... maybe not..." Marge sighed.
Krusty was signing books.
"Who's Milli Vanilli?" A boy asked getting his book signed.
"I don't know, kid. I didn't write this." said Krusty. "No refunds."
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Krustyyyyyyy!" Bart cheered running off to bother Krusty.
"Oh... It's you..." Krusty couldn't recall his name.
"Okay, maybe this was a good idea Marge." said Marge to herself.
"I'll make Bedtime great again." said Oscar reading You're Tired by Donald Trump while doing Donald Trump voices.
Marge sighed.
"Look, Maggie, they have a story lady." Marge said to Maggie as the camera panned over to a lesbian wearing rainbow suspenders reading a story book to children. "One day, Silly Sally said, "Let's have a sloppy, gloppy supper." First, they slurped their soup. Slurp, slurp, slurp. Then they chewed their bread. Chew, chew, chew. More soup? Oh, I could slurp this soup forever. Slurp, slurp..." said the lesbian reading the story book and doing silly voices for the characters.
"Sorry, folks, she doesn't even work here." said Kevin Michael Richardson as a security guard arresting her as if she wasn't supposed to be there.
"Hey! Leave that poor lesbian alone!" Oscar snapped.
Gantu/Dreadlocks Joker etc sighed. "Kid these are my only lines..."
Homer grunted thinking. ""Spot the hidden objects." Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met." He sighed. "Gotcha." He coloured a ring round something in the book. (laughing) "Candy cane in the umbrella stand: oldest trick in the book." He laughed. Hours passed... "Okay, let's see. Ah, ah." He found more things.
Marge muttered finding the kids had ran off. "Homer, have you seen Lisa and Maggie?"
"If they're not a trumpet or a rolling pin, then no." said Homer drawing circles as he ruined a find the objects book for everyone by solving it... "Yip!" he said while ringing a circle round an object. He was trying to find.
"Yip!" Toon Link chirped and he threw a book.
"Kid don't throw books..." said the till staff.
Toon Link garbled in gibberish and frowned.
"Homie," Marge snapped. "help me find them! And that's a baby book! Look! Eric wants to read and draw in it!"
Eric tearfully waved his arms wanting the book. "(Eric babbling and whimpering)"
"No, it's mine. Get your own kid..." said Homer drawing in the book.
Eric cried.
"You're just like those jerks who draw circles around Waldo in the Where's Waldo books..." Hugo snapped.
"Homer!" Marge grabbed Homer's arm.
"Okay, now to see if I can apply my book knowledge to the real world." said Homer he squinted. He saw Barney sleeping on a cushion. Some sticks of dynamite as a bomb in a bookcase! An Arabic terrorist laughed evilly. "Mwuhahahaha!" And rubbed his hands together. Then Homer saw Lisa and Maggie reading books with an optical illusion wallpaper of smiling sunflowers with faces in the background. "Got them." said Homer.
"Good, now find our other kids..." said Marge.
Homer whined.
"Uh I'm here..." said Hugo.
Oscar was reading more books with silly titles. "Food poisoning: Two Exits of Fun!"
He cracked up laughing when he read the book's cover.
Hugo sighed irked with him.
...
Milhouse's bedroom.
"Wow, no TV for 24 hours?" said Milhouse as Bart was suddenly round his house looking very bored. "I couldn't get through a day without Doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta." said Milhouse being a fan of talk shows where couples argue or bratty children get scolded by Dr Phil.
"One I'm not a licensed physician. Unfortunately. Second yes that's a real Talk show host. And the last one is an evil henchman from Tomorrow Never Dies." said Oscar.
Bart face palmed. He regained his calm demeanour to annoy Milhouse. "You're right. I'm bored. Epoxy fight!" He squirted glue at Milhouse.
(groans) "What the hell is an epoxy fight?" Milhouse whined. He got another glob on his head. He put his hand in it and tugged at the gooey glue.
"It's glue..." Hugo sighed.
"Oh. Don't worry, I'll clean it up. Get me some whip cream and a safety scissors." said Bart. In the kitchen Bart put whipped cream on Milhouse's head and gave him a haircut. "Don't worry, all I need is a cigarette lighter and some sandpaper."
(sanding) He was sanding Milhouse's head. "All right, let's just use a razor."
Bart shaves Milhouse bald. Milhouse gasped.
"Oh, my God. You look just like your dad." Bart gasped. "Let's see how far we can take this." He had a mischievous idea.
"And finally the tie." Bart and Milhouse were in Kirk and Luanne's room. Bart put a tie on Milhouse.
"I always wanted to wear a necktie. Mom says they make you more..." (in Kirk's voice): ...of a man." He sounded exactly like Kirk...
"Now sing the alphabet song." said Bart playing with his tie by pulling the knot up and down.
(alternating with each letter) " A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O..." However Bart rubbing the knot up and down too fast caused a small flame from friction. He blew it out.
"What if we Van Houten to the max?" said Bart pulling the tie tight.
(in Duffman's voice) "Whoa, that's a little too tight. Oh, yeah!"
"Nah, back to the sweet spot." said Bart deciding that him sounding like Duffman was weird and put the tie back to Kirk.
"Milhouse, if people believe you're a grown-up, we can do anything!" said Bart looking to cause trouble.
(in Kirk's voice): Like we go to a movie theater and pay full price? That would be awesome!" said Milhouse.
"Okay, first, tone it down. Second, no..." said Bart. "Time to teach you to be a man."
"What, now I'm not pulling it off?" asked Milhouse holding and stroking Puppy Goo Goo.
Bart face palmed.
("Here Comes Your Man" by Pixies playing)
In a montage as this song plays, Bart and Milhouse buy cartons of apple juice to drink as pretend booze and they blow bubbles with soap bubble pipes pretending to be gentlemen or Hugh Hefner by a log fire.
Oscar is lying semi conscious with a can of Duff lying nearby.
Bart face palmed.
Then they go driving.
"Go through the red lights..." Oscar whined.
Bart frowned at him.
Then Bart gave Milhouse urine enhancer drugs.
Milhouse suddenly needed to pee and ran to the bathroom. He was thrown about by the force of his urine stream. Eeeeew!
"And put the gas bill on auto-pay." said Milhouse as Kirk doing finances on a computer.
"Nice. Time for your final test." said Bart.
Plot 2
At the Simpsons Homer was solving a colouring book by pressing his beer can over where the hidden objects were. To leave beer rings.
Lisa got a Skype from Milhouse.
"Oh, great. Another invasive Skype from Mil... Huh?" Lisa groaned but was perplexed that it was Kirk Skyping her.
"Hello, Lisa. This is my daddy. I mean, um, Kirk Van Houten." said Milhouse as Kirk. Bart face palmed when he forgot to address himself properly. "May I speak to your father, please?"
"He's right here." said Lisa confused giving the laptop over to her dad.
"Homer, Bart would like to spend the night at our house, and he has my permission." said Kirk.
"Sure. What do I care?" said Homer handing the laptop back to Lisa.
"Not so fast!" Kirk snapped.
"Huh?" Homer asked.
"I also want to say that Bart is a remarkable boy, and I disapprove of your fathering and of your fat stomach." said Milhouse as Kirk as Bart was holding cue cards and giving him the thumbs up when he read them.
"Oh, well, uh... sorry." said Homer stuttering.
"Give him anything he wants- bigger allowance, a new bike- just do it." Kirk demanded.
"Whatever you say, sir." Homer replied. Totally complying. XD!
"Dad, why are you kowtowing to Mr. Van Houten?" Lisa asked, smelling a rat.
"Sometimes it's just so nice to have a man take charge." said Homer sighing.
"And in ten years, make Lisa go to the prom with Milhouse. In fact, make Lisa go out with M-my dear little Milhouse!" Kirk stumbled on his lines
Homer gave Lisa a hard look as if to say, "You heard him." "Dad!" Lisa whined.
"Grown-ups have their reasons." said Homer.
(aggravated groan) Lisa stormed off making an aggravated groan.
"Now, I want you to eat a gallon of ice cream in under two minutes." said Milhouse as Kirk.
"But I just did that." Homer whined.
"You now have one minute, 55 seconds." said Milhouse as Kirk.
"To comply..." said ED-209.
"Yes sir..." Homer whimpered. He ate a tub of ice cream until it gave him brain freeze.
(Bart and Milhouse laugh) "I'm going to like being an adult." said Milhouse.
They laugh as ice cream pours out of Homer's nose.
Bart took Milhouse to Kirk's garage and stuck paint cans to his feet.
"Now you're the same height as your dad." said Bart.
Milhouse speaking in his normal voice, "I can reach the poisons now, each with an inviting skull and crossbones."
"Milhouse no! Put that antifreeze back, now!" Bart was horrified he was planning to drink poison.
"Yes sir..." Milhouse sighed.
They came across Luanne. Milhouse's Mom, in the hall. Would she fall for the disguise?
"Kirk, you' wearing that shirt I bought you. I thought you didn't like it." said Luanne. She fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Milhouse said in Kirk's voice, "I love it when you buy me clothes. You know what's itchy and what's not."
"Oh, Kirk Evelyn Van Houten." Luanne kissed him on the cheek. (humming happily) Luanne left to do housework or something.
Milhouse as himself, "I wish my dad could have been here to see my parents kiss."
"Now, did you get Kirk's license?" Bart asked.
"Uh-huh." said Milhouse holding Kirk's driving licence. It had been voided or had points on it for bad driving.
"Ay, caramba!" said Bart disappointed.
"Why don't we use yours Bart?" said Milhouse.
"Oh yeah. I forgot I have a phoney drivers license then the mayor gave me a real one for doing a heroic deed." said Bart.
"I think Matt forgot too." said Milhouse.
They leave a truck store with Milhouse carrying keys.
"I rented a truck." said Milhouse as they left.
"I'm driving a truck." said Milhouse driving a truck.
"I crashed a truck." He had crashed it into a tree.
"I rented another truck." said Milhouse leaving another truck depot with keys.
"I'm driving another truck!" said Milhouse driving.
"I crashed another truck!" He crashed that one too...
"Okay we can't keep renting trucks... let's pretend you didn't crash that Milhouse..." Bart groaned as he reminded time so they were still on the road driving.
They then crashed into the Kwik e mart. There were bullies outside.
"Hey, Simpson, don't you have a lame dad of your own?" asked Jimbo Jones.
(in Kirk's voice): "Uh, I-I'd give you all my money, but my wallet is Velcroed too tight." said Milhouse as Kirk in a wimpy manner.
The bullies laugh.
"You're the wussiest adult I've ever seen." said Jimbo.
"An adult- he's buying it." said Bart to Milhouse.
"Kirk, remember, you have the superpowers of a middle-aged man."
"Hello, Mr. Kirk." said Apu as Milhouse came to the till with beer and other adult items.
"I want to buy this beer, uh, cigarettes, magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses. Polarized." said Milhouse as Kirk.
"I suspect you are buying for underage bullies, but as that is 98% of my business, I say, "Thank you, sir. Come again."" said Apu letting him buy the goods.
"Yo, Bart. Your grown-man friend is all right. We should start threatening more adults." said Dolph. The bullies were sat outside Apu's shop reading pornographic magazines, wearing sunglasses and smoking.
"(Perverted moaning)" Oscar moaned aroused as he looked at a pull out inside a copy of Playdude.
Bart rolled his eyes.
"Wouldn't that make us criminals instead of bullies?" Kearney asked.
"Let's beat up a philosopher until he gives us the answer." said Jimbo.
"Oh, good idea." said Kearney.
We cut to them beating up Nostradamus or possibly Plato...
"Ow! What do you want from me?!" Plato cried.
"What do you think is the causality of good and evil?" Jimbo demanded while punching Plato.
...
At the Simpsons house, Homer was sat in the kitchen colouring in a colouring in book with sappy cartoon characters inside it.
Eric bawled and tried to take the colouring book from him.
"No! No Eric! This is Daddy's colouring book!" Homer was being stubborn.
Eric, the blue haired baby boy of the Simpson family cried.
"Homer J Simpson!" Marge snapped. "This colouring book obsession has gone too far! Give that child's colouring book back to Eric! Now!"
"Yes Ma'am..." Homer said glumly.
"Homer what is wrong with you that you're obsessed with colouring books?!" Marge asked annoyed.
"Well I..." said Homer.
"Mom, Dad... They do do grownups colouring in books as a form of therapy for people with depression or other mental illnesses." said Lisa.
"Oh no! No! No! We're trying to get rid of your father's obsession with colouring in books!" said Marge.
Lisa sighed.
"Oh come on Eric... the grass is not purple..." Homer groaned. Eric was colouring in things in the colouring in book.
Eric frowned at Daddy.
Marge frowned at Homer.
"Marge Lisa has a point. I'm probably depressed about something..."
"Like what?! This entire season Oscar scribbled out any unhappy scenes in your episodes! We got Bongo back!" Marge ranted.
Bongo whimpered softly and yawned.
"How is that dog still alive..." Hank sighed.
Ray the pigeon puffed up and flapped frantically to shake out his loose feathers.
Flaps, the pigeon half of Hugo's Pigeon-rat cooed in indignation.
Lisa cringed, She hates pigeons.
Marge seethed. "Stop playing with the baby toys and do something useful as Eric's father! Like changing his diaper!" Marge yelled.
Homer grimaced in disgust.
...
"Yeah, I'm in. I made my mom happy and got through the bullies without a punch. Being an adult is super easy." said Milhouse driving with Bart in their truck.
"Hmm, hmm... hmm." (pops, chuckles) Bart inflated a condom like a balloon and popped it.
"You dope. It says those are for her pleasure..." Milhouse snapped. "Now it's time for me to live my fantasy with mature themes."
He was at some curtains. "I'll go behind that curtain a boy but come out a man." It was a voting booth... damn."
"What did you want it to be..." Bart groaned.
"The pornographic area of the library..." said Oscar.
"Eeeeeew..." Bart groaned.
"Hmm, more money for schools. That could translate into more homework." Milhouse pondered as he read the voting papers.
"I know this is highly illegal, but you're not leaving this booth till you punch yes." said Skinner as he entered with Chalmers.
"Don't bother screaming for help. This is a municipal off-cycle election. There's no one for miles." said Chalmers. (wolf howling)
"SKINNNNNNEEEERRR! CHALMEEEERRRRS!" Oscar yelled.
"Super Super Intendant Tamaki! We were just!" Chalmers stammered.
"I know what you were doing! You were violating a citizen's right to a secret ballot! Leave Mr Van Houten alone..." said Oscar.
"Yes sir." Skinner and Chalmers left Milhouse alone.
Milhouse voted no.
"Don't forget your sticker. (evil chuckling)" said Bart giving Milhouse a sticker and laughing evilly. "Mwuhahahaha."
They go to Moe's.
"Uh, hey, bartender. We'd like two milks, and then you can tell us where babies come from." Kirk (Milhouse) asked.
"Oh, well, in my case, my mom was hit with a voodoo curse. I gestated for five years, then I popped out backwards and on fire." said Moe telling a tall story.
"Really?" Bart asked.
"Oh, yeah, keep my tail right here in this jar." said Moe. In the egg jar there was a tail preserved in the vinegar along with the eggs.
(both gasp)
"Good times." said Moe.
...
Marge was doing the laundry. The washing machine and dryer were moved up from the basement to the hall to the garage, basement and rumpus room/nursery.
"Mom, I think Maggie misses TV." said Lisa as Maggie was staring at the spinning dryer. Marge found her eyes were revolving. She tweaked her pacifier like it was an on and off switch and a Maggie's eyes stopped spinning. "You know, Mom, I was thinking we could take Maggie downtown. The Jazz Hole is featuring a Dizzy Gillespie tribute band. (gasps) Their trumpeter has the puffiest cheeks." Lisa went on about jazz. Bart was in the background in the kitchen staring for some reason. Grampa was reading a newspaper.
"I don't think so. The U.S. Embassy has warned people not to go to downtown Springfield." said Marge. The Embassy of all things told people not to go to Downtown Springfield.
"I get it. Middle child, never do what I want." Lisa sighed.
Hugo coughed and nudged her.
"Waaaaaaaaa! I wanna go to the Jazzhole! I wanna go! Waaaaaaaa!" Lisa threw a tantrum.
"Elizabeth Marie Simpson! I said no!" Marge said sharply. "The US Embassy warned everyone not to go downtown!"
Lisa sighed sadly and growled in frustration madly and angrily and fell to her knees and screamed in frustration madly and angrily and fell to her head down and put her face down into her arm over the floor and pounded the floor repeatedly and muffled screams in frustration madly and angrily.
"Elizabeth!" Marge screamed. She was mad enough to use the long version of Lisa's first name.
"I don't care! Petula Clark sang you must go downtown!" Oscar snapped with a crazy look in his eyes. Ie bloodshot etc.
Petula Clark sang.
Marge sighed.
"Fine..."
Marge took Lisa and Maggie to the jazzhole. An unfortunate double entendre named jazz club with Dizzy Gillispie and a guy with the puffiest cheeks while blowing into a saxophone.
Also there was Godzilla or terrorists or something dangerous that the Embassy had to warn people to stay away from there.
"Hey there little lady, I see you play the saxophone too." said a beatnik because beatniks like jazz just as much as black people.
"Yes. I love jazz and my favourite jazz artist is Bleeding Gums Murphy. Well the late Bleeding Gums Murphy." said Lisa.
"Wanna jam with us little lady?" A jazz artist beatnik asked.
"Would I?" Lisa gasped with joy as she she immediately went on stage with them and they played jazz.
Marge was nervous the whole day as she was worried something awful was about to happen given the Embassy itself warned people away.
Lisa jammed on stage, ie she played her saxophone.
Oh and Donald Duck had no pants on again...
Plot 3
At the Aztec theatre.
"One adult and three children, please." said Milhouse as Kirk. "To see The Naked Lunch."
"Ugh.. not again Kirk..." Bart sighed.
"I loved that film..." Oscar laughed.
Nelson winced at him.
"Can't we see an Andy Williams show..." Nelson sighed.
"No because he's dead..." said Oscar.
The board saying what movies were on, said The Naked Lunch (R rated).
"One adult and three kid tickets to see The Naked Lunch." Milhouse as Kirk insisted.
"Okay pally." said Raphael selling them tickets.
Sometime later.
"I can think of at least two things wrong with that title." said Nelson.
Oscar was vomiting in a bin.
They went to Moe's again.
"Twenty-five? Whoa! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. "S," but I gotta check everybody." said Moe.
"What, are you kidding? I take it as a compliment." said Bart blushing as he showed his fake ID.
"Four beers, please." said Milhouse as Kirk.
"Hey! Join the party! Uuuuuuurp!" said Barney drunk.
Bart, Milhouse and Nelson mortified by Barney decided beer was not cool.
"Um we'll pa-" said Bart.
"Too late!" said Oscar gulping down his beer.
"Oz no! Don't drink that!" Bart whined.
Later they had to drag Oscar to the hospital.
"Now we have to go to the hospital to get your stomach pumped!" Bart snapped.
"Oh show me the way to go hoooooome..." Oscar sang drunk.
Nelson gawked at Oscar.
"Hey pretty lady..." Oscar slurred.
"Oz you're talking to a street light..." Bart groaned.
...
At home Maggie was hugging the TV. Lisa got souvenirs from going to the Jazzhole.
"Hmm. Okay, I also know of a puppet show." said Hugo. "An educational puppet show."
They go to the theatre.
"Long before the Teutonic slaughters visited upon our people, there was the massacre by Mstislov of Kiev in 1132." said a puppet. There were screams as the puppets killed the fuck out of each other! Cooooool!
"Coooooooool!" said Oscar as the puppets killed each other.
"Maybe we should go." Marge winced getting up.
"Nobody leave till every puppet dead." said a knight.
Oscar shot him in the eye with a crossbow.
"Gaaaaah!"
"Bart, you wanted to show me something?" Lisa asked.
"Just one sec. Nelson gave me some notes on a prank I'm doing." said Bart sat at his desk with a piece of paper. On it read, "Kick me, in the butt." Bart rang around "in the butt" and wrote in red pen "Necessary?"
"Now, I asked you here because I know a cool grown-up who will take you to that club in the city." said Bart.
"Really? Who?" Lisa gasped. "Well thanks to Oscar and Hugo making Mom taking me I already went once but-"
(in Kirk's voice): "Hello, Lisa." said Milhouse as Kirk.
"Milhouse?" Lisa asked.
"Milhouse? Who's Milhouse?" Kirk asked. "I mean, he-he's my son."
"Well, Milhouse, you might get past the bouncer at the jazz club, because they're in no position to turn anyone away, but it doesn't matter, 'cause we can't pay for the gas and the cover fee anyway." said Lisa. "Plus they're blind..."
"Au contraire, starfish hair. The Baby Poindexter Company is being forced to pay a settlement to any parent who had enough misguided love to buy their videos." said Bart.
"They're not gonna write a check to a couple of kids." Lisa explained sighing.
"Then I will be your guys' dad." said Milhouse as Kirk.
A crow attacked him and squawked. (screams) Milhouse fell out the window and was lying in the branches of a tree.
"Quoth, the raven!" said Oscar. "Nevermore."
"Oz, that was a crow..." Bart groaned.
"Thanks, but lowering your voice and standing on paint cans doesn't make you man enough to be my dad." said Lisa.
"Marge, can I get a subscription to Highlights magazine?" Homer asked from somewhere.
"Homer, that's for children." Marge sighed.
"Where does it say that?" Homer asked.
"Read the rest of the title." Marge sighed.
"Highlights for... D'oh!" Homer groaned.
"Anyway it's a good thing I made Marge take you because in canon you don't end up going because you got stuck in a condo selling market speak just so you could get free breakfast..." Oscar sighed.
"Oh thanks Matt! You never let me do something I like!" Lisa snapped.
"Fine! You go to the Jazzhole! I am trying to focus on Bart's story here!" Matt Groening ranted.
...
In bed that night.
(Homer humming) Homer got himself another children's colouring book...
"Homer! Did you get another child's find the object colouring book! Oh, dang it. I lost my other earring..." Marge nagged but she lost another earring.
"Leave it to me." said Homer he found an earring. "Earring."
"Oh." said Marge impressed.
"Thimble from Monopoly game." said Homer finding the Monopoly Thimble.
"Wondered where that was." said Marge taking it.
"Pay the rent!" yelled the thimble.
"$25 casino chip." said Homer finding a poker chip.
"Oh." Marge sighed impressed and aroused.
"That had been in my throat." said Oscar, He paused, "I eat poker chips..."
"The smallest nesting doll." said Homer finding a tiny Russian nesting doll in the bathroom. Why it was in there I don't know.
"Oh. Can you find anything you like in this bed?" Marge pulled him into bed aroused.
"Just my honey pie." said Homer. Marge gave him a sultry look.
"Oh Homie!"
"Want to split it while we snuggle?" said Homer pulling a honey pie. Some sort of sweet pastry treat from behind a pillow. Marge was a little disappointed he was talking about food and not calling her lovely names. "Mm-hmm." shevagreed still aroused. The lights were switched off for sex... Eeeeeew...
(Homer chewing loudly and licking something)
"Now what are you doing?" Marge asked.
"Licking the wrapper." said Homer.
"Okay! Okay! Tomorrow I'll take you to the homeopathic store to get a an adult's colouring in and puzzle book..." Marge sighed.
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered.
"Since you're so good at finding things, can you find Waldo..." said Marge impatient fir sex. Homer was wasting time licking a wrapper.
"Ugh... Honey no one can find Waldo... that's the point of the books..." said Homer.
Marge sighed.
...
The next day.
"Okay kids. It's been 24 hours. You can watch TV again." said Marge.
"Yaaaaaaay!" The kids and Homer cheered as they sat down to watch TV. And bickered over what to watch.
"Gimme!" Homer whined like a brat.
"No we're watching Krusty the clown!" said Bart.
"Gimme that! We're watching The Happy Little Elves!" Oscar yelled.
Bart frowned at him. "Oz grow up... that show is for babies..."
"As if! I'm watching the sports fixtures for tonight's games!" said Homer.
Lisa sighed reading a book.
"No I want to watch a space documentary by that guy with the monocle!" said Hugo.
"No! That guy is a fruit!" Homer yelled.
"Krusty time!" said Bart squabbling over the remote.
"Happy Little Elves!" Oscar rasped.
"Ahem! Homie, we're going out to get you some grown up colouring in books." said Marge.
"Cooool! Do they have naked ladies in them?!" Oscar asked.
"No! Certainly not! They're sometimes used as therapy for depressed people or people who can't get out of bed in the morning from subconscious pain." said Marge.
"It's not subconscious! It's real!" Bigmouth Tamaki groaned wrapped in her duvet.
"Bigmouth I brought you back from the dead... don't waste your second chance of life in bed..." said Oscar.
Bigmouth scoffed and went back to bed.
"Well Lisa and I are going round to play at Milhouse's... Um... She's started to get sweet on him." said Bart lying.
"As if! I just have to return his asthma pump he left here yesterday." said Lisa holding an asthma pump.
"And I'm buying more ridiculous celebrity endorsed books!" said Oscar. "Like The Princess Diarist by Carrie Fisher, and Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher... I don't know about you guys but I think Princess Leia might have a drinking problem..."
The Simpsons sweat drop.
...
At a subway station.
"There you go, one adult and two children one-way downtown." said the ticket lady at the subway ticket booth.
"Um, as adults, what do we do now? Shake hands?" Milhouse as Kirk asked.
"If you like." said the ticket lady. They shake hands.
"And that's how you do it. (chuckles)" said Milhouse.
"Man! You have such tiny hands! Even smaller than Donald Trump's!" said The ticket lady.
"Hey!" Donald Trump, bright orange with tiny hands yelled.
"And I got us our sub way train tickets." said Milhouse.
"Good. Now remember I cannot sit backwards on a train or bus as I get sick." said Lisa.
"We'll I get sick looking at your face!" Bart said being rude.
"Apologise to your sister and my son's girlfriend at once!" Milhouse as Kirk yelled.
"Make me! Baldy!" Bart snapped.
"Why you little!" Milhouse strangled Bart.
"And now I'm gonna ruin your career, your marriage and whatever trust Marge and Homer have in you, Kirk..." said Oscar recording them on his mobile.
"No Oz!" Bart yelled. "Milhouse let go! Ungh!" He pushed him over breaking his paint can legs. "There! Now where's your adulthood!"
"Noooooooo! My adulthood..." Milhouse cried.
They fight childishly as Oscar sent the short clip of Kirk Milhouse strangling Bart across Instagram and to Luanne and Marge's emails. Lisa sighed and looked up at a hobo.
"Don't ask..." Lisa sighed.
"Eh... I see crazy things all the time." said the hobo.
"I never thought I'd say this, but that is conduct unbecoming of a bus station." said a lady hobo. Probably the fat one that calls people Devil Dog!
"Where'd your babies go?" the Old man Hobo asked her. Apparently she aborted them or something.
Milhouse, Lisa and Bart go to sue Baby Poidexter Co.
"Your intellect-deadening DVDs turned my brother's brain to jelly." Lisa ranted.
"Pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody." said Bart in a trance. Oscar winced looking worried.
"Looks like you're entitled to the full rebate of $19.95." said the guy wearing glasses.
"That's all you pay for screwing up a child for life?" Bart yelled.
"I'll handle this Bart." said Oscar pulling out a big shotgun! "You'll pay us no less than five thousand dollars!"
"Okay! Here's your compensation of five thousand dollars! Please don't kill me!" The man screamed giving them five grand.
"Oz what is wrong with you?!" Bart snapped.
"Hey! I'm not the one who believes imaginary shapes are telling him to kill people..." Oscar retorted.
"Kill... Kill... Killllllll!" A floating green triangle demanded.
"Go away flying imaginary triangle!" Oscar yelled.
At the coffee place Milhouse as Kirk bought a coffee.
"Yes I'd like my change in singles and nickels." He said to the Squeaky Voiced Teen.
"Sure." said Squeaky Voiced Teen. He gave Milhouse as Kirk his coffee.
...
Elsewhere at Moe's. Moe is praying to a statue of Glycon, a snake god.
He gasps seeing Alan Moore the comic book artist has joined him in his pagan prayer.
"You worship snakes too?" Moe asked.
"Yeah, I also think people should be allowed to read indecent comics and Mangas..." said Alan Moore.
He wants creeps to be allowed to illustrate cartoon porn...
Plot 4
Marge took Homer to the homeopathic medicine store.
"Oh it's you again Mr S. long time no see." said the hippy shop keeper possibly a Wiccan.
"Homer have you been here before?" Marge asked.
"Yeah Lisa was stressed after I ripped up the bill of Rights and had to pay for it to be reprinted by having a satellite installed in her room so she had to share with Bart."
"That episode didn't make any sense! Why didn't you have the satellite built in the attic?" Marge asked.
"Because then the Thing would be annoyed at me..." Homer explained.
"Anyhow, Miss. we were wondering if you have any therapy colouring books?" Marge asked the lady.
"I'm not crazy... I'm just an overgrown man child..." Homer whispered loudly. Which is an oxymoron. He was trying to sound like he was whispering but doing it loud enough so everyone could here anyway for deliberate effect.
Marge sighed annoyed he was ignorant to mental illnesses and depression.
"Right this way, Mr S." said the shopkeeper.
...
"I'm hungry now." Bart whined.
"Hey, I'm walking on paint cans all day. Give me a break." said Milhouse as Kirk.
"Guys, look, free breakfast if we sit through a sales pitch." said Lisa, pointing to a condo sales pitch giving free breakfast. Yum!
"Just remember, Milhouse, do not buy the condo." Lisa explained to Milhouse.
"But what if we can't afford not to buy it?" said Milhouse stumbling about on his paint cans.
At Home, in the kitchen.
"Waldo, Waldo, Waldo." Homer was reading a Where's Waldo book.
"Homer, Bart said the kids were going to the Van Houtens', but Luann just told me they're supposed to be here. They've disappeared!" Marge gasped.
"We'll get those kids back. Because we just bought them new shoes." said Homer. We cut to outside the condo pitch seminar as Bart takes some shoes out of hammer space and tosses them in a bin.
"Waldo, Waldo." Homer reads his Where's Waldo book again.
"Do you think Lisa went to that jazz club I wouldn't take her to? But then Oscar and Petula Clark made me?" Marge asked.
"How many kids will jazz corrupt?" Homer cried.
(tires squealing) They speed off to find the kids.
"Lap pool and fully-quipped gym with eucalyptus towels. Now, let me give you the 14 different apartment configurations. The hacienda, the urban oasis, castle in the sky, Connecticut sunset... Coral, White, Peter Capaldi..." said the condo lady.
.Lady, my stomach's full, and I want to go. That's how it works in this country." Bart groaned.
(beeps) The lady sealed them in. If you try to leave, you'll find the doors are locked.
Oscar vaporised the doors with a Sonic blaster. LeVing a gaping hole in the restaurant wall. "I just vaporised your doors. Try to stop us and I'll kill you!" Oz snapped.
"Oz!" Bart growled annoyed at his violent responses. "Well, before our dad signs any contracts, he has a surprise for you."
"Oh, I hope it's that he's single." said the lady.
(laughs) "I'm single. Though, some days, I have a girl buddy on field trips." said Milhouse as Kirk.
"You're a bit of a freak. I like that. (giggling)" said the lady pulling his tie.
"Hey I can be freaky!" said Hugo giving her bedroom eyes.
"Hugh, you're a kid... She's not interested..." said Bart.
"You're the adult." said Milhouse as the condo lady dragged him off somewhere. (grunts) (lock clicks) and locked themselves in...
"Kirk, don't you have something to tell her?" Lisa asked from the restaurant room.
"Just looking for a casual hookup?" said the lady pulling on Milhouse's tie.
"Yeah, for my Thomas the Tank Engines." said Milhouse.
Oscar laughed hysterically.
"Oz help!" Bart groaned.
"Nope, because you don't appreciate my help..." said Oscar.
"Fine... Kill the annoying Condo pitch lady if you think it will help..." Bart groaned.
Oscar ran off broke into the cupboard the lady and Milhouse were in and shot the annoying condo pitch lady and they all left to go to the Jazzhole.
...
Marge and Homer drove about.
"See anything Homer." Marge asked as they drove about.
Homer saw Mayor Quimby in his underwear climb out of a window.
A marriage councillor office. Frink and a robot lady walked out.
"Look I told you when you needed that software update it wasn't a criticism!" said Frink as the robot wife smoked a cigarette. "And robots can't smoke!"
Uh you're married to Mrs Frink in my canon...
"Nope I don't see em... (gasps) Free breakfast at a condo sales pitch!" Homer gasped.
"Homer no! We have to find the kids!" Marge said sharply.
...
"We found what we're looking for." said Oscar.
"The Jazzhole?" Lisa asked.
"No! A store that sells Honey Pies." said Oscar. "Because Homer ate the last one and made Teddy cry!"
"We get it! Your pet teddy bear creature likes honey like all cartoon bears do!" Bart groaned.
At the condo pitch.
"Well some sort of maniac was here." said Homer finding the dead condo selling lady.
"We're too late! Oscar must have shot his way out and headed on to the Jazzhole!" Marge lamented.
"Marge look!" Homer said as they left the breakfast condo pitch place.
"I'm feeling a strange, refreshing brew of emotions. Oh, yeah. (grunts)" said Kirk as Oscar Yankee his tie.
"Oz stop playing with Kirk's tie..." Bart sighed.
"Marge... I didn't know Kirk could make his stupid wiener voice sound like Duffman!" said Homer.
"Milhouse?" Marge sensed something wasn't right about Kirk.
"How'd you know it was me?" Milhouse asked.
"The top of your head has a 5:00 shadow." said Marge as Milhouse's hair was growing back
"(gasp) Your hair is growing back. Tell me your secret!" Homer gasped.
"He's ten years old. and he hasn't been exposed to lethal amounts of radiation..." said Marge.
"Oh, there's always a catch." Homer sighed.
"Is anyone here going to buy a condo?" a man from the condo pitch breakfast building asked. "And someone murdered my colleague!"
"It's going to be yes, but don't rush me!" Homer sighed.
"Come on Kirk! Before-" Bart lulled Milhouse along.
"Milhouse Van Houten!" said Luanne.
"Bartholomew J Simpson!" Marge said vexed with Bart.
...
And so they explained their prank...
"And worst of all, you cast my vote. Who did you vote for in the nonpartisan judicial election?" Kirk asked Milhouse annoyed he committed voting fraud.
"Williamson." said Milhouse.
"No, no, no." Kirk whined.
"Kirk I don't get why you're whining. Our son voted for someone and still voted for a better candidate than you would have!" Luanne nagged.
"Oh really Luanne?! You think Williamson is a better Senator than Payne?!"Kirk ranted.
"I'm really sorry, Dad, but I have to say, it was pretty cool having your life." said Milhouse.
"You mean that?" Kirk cheered up.
"I'd be happy to wind up just like you." said Milhouse.
"Now hold on Millie..." said Luanne a bit embarrassed Milhouse wanted to end up a loser like Kirk.
"I hope you remember that when I can't pay for your college." said Kirk. "Now, how would you like to go to your own parent-teacher interview while I see a movie?"
"I'd like that." said Milhouse.
"Son, promise you will never look like me." said Homer.
"Baldness is hereditary!" Homer from Simpson and Delilah snapped.
"I sure hope not." said Bart.
"Why, you little..." Homer strangled him. "That's not a heart-warming thing to end on!"
Bart gasped as he was throttled.
The End.
