What you're saying is not always what you want to say

When I woke up the next morning, the room was already enlightened by the faint twilight of dawn and I sighed quietly because I would have loved to sleep through. To get up early was something I definitely had to get used to but at least my biological clock seemed to have adjusted to it and Connor didn't need to wake me from my deep sleep when the sun rose.

I turned my head to the other side of the bed and sighed as I saw that it was empty. Obviously, the Assassin had decided to let me sleep because I had no duties in the inn today. I could dedicate my whole time to the household and I groaned quietly with the thought of it. But the earlier I got up and started my work, the sooner I could attend to more pleasant things. So I pushed back the blanket, stood up, and padded barefooted to the closet. I changed from my nightgown into my shift, slipped into skirt and bodice, and laced up the latter while I sat down onto the chair in front of the washstand.

Right on the first day after my arrival, I had replaced my noble dresses with the simple bourgeois clothing and that meant especially that I didn't have to tie a corset anymore or rather didn't need somebody to help me if wanted to get dressed or undressed. I still had the clothes the women of the homestead had given to me before my departure to London. By now I had got more made my Ellen because, in terms of my clothes, I wasn't able to change my attitude. I liked to have some choice and I had kept my noble dresses, too. They were stored safely in a chest, together with my jewelry which would be annoying in daily life. Even though the new clothes were comfortable, I certainly would get the chance to dress up in silk and brocade again. Inwardly always a lady, how Maria liked to call it and she was right.

With quick fingers, I loosened my braid, brushed my hair, and tied it to a bun while approaching the door. I already heard voices coming from the kitchen and when I had got downstairs, I was almost knocked over by Caleb, who hurried towards the front door, a slice of bread between his teeth. He mumbled something that sounded like "good morning" while he was already disappearing behind the door. Shaking my head I watched it slamming shut. This boy never calmed down except when he was asleep. I had often tried to make him have his breakfast in peace. But like he had done today, he always snatched a slice of bread and gobbled it without taking a seat or while walking. He had a good appetite but in the face of his need for movement, it wasn't a miracle that he only was a pushover.

When I entered the kitchen, Connor was standing by the hearth with his back to me and just put the water-filled zinc jug, which I always used to brew tea in it, onto the rack over the fire. Smiling I wrapped my arms around him from behind and leaned my head against his back.

"For me?", I asked and gave a vague hint towards the jug.

"Who else in this house drinks tea? I heard that you are coming downstairs."

Connor turned around, hugged me, and bent down to me, leaning his forehead against mine. A tender gesture I was already more appreciating than any kiss. It was his own, silent way to show me his affection and regarding the fact that Connor used to avoid closeness to other people, these simple approaches were a gift.

"Could you not sleep anymore?" he asked me, without breaking the embrace.

"No, but I have enough to do today." It was me who freed herself slightly to look at him. "What are you going to do today? Do you have to go somewhere?", I asked and hoped that he would say no. It always eased my mind when I knew that he was somewhere in the homestead and not taking a wander through the frontier. I was worried about him and no matter how often he told me that he had duties as an Assassin but would be careful for my sake, it wouldn't change. At least I already knew from my own experience, how dangerous these duties could be and it was enough that I had almost lost him to injuries and their consequences once. He had scars on his back which reminded me of it every time I saw them.

So I was relieved when he shook his head.

"There is work on the Aquila I have to do and I wanted to take care of some things in the homestead", he answered calmly but with his last words and only for a split of a second, a strange smile appeared on his lips, which I wasn't able to interpret. But I didn't even ask but pulled back completely to reach past him for a towel and take the jug from the fire. Connor took a step aside so that I could put some tea leaves into a cup and brew them with the water.

Not until then he stepped to me again, pulled me closer, and gave me a peck on my lips.

"If something should happen or you are needing help, call for me. All right?"

I smirked about the care, he was always showing for me but I nodded. Connor smiled before he stepped away from me and left the kitchen. I heard him going downstairs to the basement and when I just sat down at the table, a slice of bread with ham on it in my hand, the front door closed behind him.

I spent my morning stripping the beds and washing the duvet covers and sheets. And I hated doing the laundry. The lugging of water, the rough feeling of the washboard even through the fabric and not least the feeling of saturated hands when I was finally done. Furthermore, the weather was quite summery today for mid-April. Perfect for doing and hanging out the laundry outside but sudorific during the process itself. So I leaned quietly groaning against the wall of the house, where I had placed the washtub and fanned myself with my headscarf, which I had loosened from my hair before. It was a marvel to me how other women were bearing this without blinking an eye. I really couldn't be so spoiled that I was the only one complaining about it.

As if!

Sighing I put on the scarf again, stood up, tucked the basked with laundry under my arm and carried it to the line, I had tied between two trees. I hung up one piece after another and while doing that, I first barely noticed Caleb, who was standing by the stables and put something into the box of Cherry, the small Shetland Pony.

"What are you doing?", I called out to him over the line and he flinched as if I had caught him.

"I...just gave Cherry some more hay", he answered and gave me a wide grin. My eyebrows arched immediately. This answer seemed a bit suspicious to me but I didn't feel like asking further questions. I had enough to do and I just hoped that he didn't get up to nonsense when Cherry was involved.

So I just gave him a warning look before I put the empty basket aside and went back to the house. I took a basket from the kitchen, hung its handle over my arm, and set off to the edge of the homestead where the farm of Prudence and Warren was located. I had met the farmer's wife shortly in the morning and she had offered to me that I could come by during the day and collect some vegetables and fresh bread. The latter was freshly baked by her every day and beside Corrine, Prudence was the best cook I knew in the homestead and a very kind, honest young woman at that. It was easy for me to talk and laugh about everything with her.

While I followed the path up to the farm, I already saw Prudence waving to me from the distance and when I finally got to her, we greeted each other warmly.

"You're just in time", the farmer's wife told me and pointed at the stone oven behind her that was already radiating the scent of freshly-baked bread.

"I thought I give you a fresh one. The vegetables are here. The first harvest this year."

We went to a table where she had laid out accurately different types of vegetables. Salad, spinach, diverse field crops I didn't know by name and some herbs, too. Prudence put them all into my basket, not without telling me thoroughly how to store them. I thanked her and we went back to the oven which she opened shortly to have a look at the bread.

It wasn't done yet and so we talked for a while. About the newest events in the homestead, about Caleb and also about Prudence's two-year-old son Hunter. With shining eyes, she told me how lively the little boy was babbling to himself and how eager he was to help his father with his work. She was certain that he was going to become a passionate farmer like Warren and we laughed about the thought.

When the bread was done, Prudence took it out of the oven and into my basket. We said goodbye to each other but when I just wanted to leave, the farmer's wife called me back again.

"You shouldn't be worried", she started and put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sure that Connor and you are going to manage it somehow and like I have said to him: We are with you and I'm already looking forward to helping you."

Confused I looked at her. I had no idea what she was talking about. With what did she want to help us? And when had she talked to Connor anyway?

"What do you mean?", I expressed my question now and Prudence shortly raised an eyebrow.

"Well...Connor asked me today..." She faltered before her eyes widened and she lifted both hands. "Never mind. Forget about it."

Prudence laughed embarrassed and confused me even more. Connor asked her what? I wanted to know, but Prudence quickly said goodbye to me and claimed she had something important to do inside. She had already disappeared when I was still standing on the path, completely confused, and trying to see a reason in her words.

Slowly and thoughtfully I went back to the homestead. I thought about what Connor might have asked Prudence. He wasn't a man who revealed much about himself and gossiped and so it didn't get into my head what he could have asked her about us. At least there wasn't anything he couldn't talk to me about right now.

Shortly I thought of the conversation we'd had last night but I, in my opinion, we had dropped the "wedding topic" for now. Why should Connor talk about it with other settlers? I just didn't understand it but when I just had decided to stop thinking about it, I was disabused.

I was close to the small church when I saw Pater Timothy leaving the building. But he wasn't alone. Connor was with him and the two had an animated conversation, at least until they detected me. It wasn't so unusual that Connor was talking to the priest. He was always concerned about everyone in the homestead and even though he didn't consult him about questions of faith, I knew that he appreciated the reverend's opinion. But in the face of Prudence's strange words and the sudden breaking off of the men's conversation, I became skeptical.

I approached them slowly and when I stopped in front of them, Father Timothy gave me a friendly smile. "It's nice to see you, Lillian", he said whereupon I just nodded to him. My gaze went back and forth between him and Connor, who on his part was looking at me with an enigmatic expression. Something was wrong here and it seemed as if I was right. The Father made a short gesture towards Connor before he said: "Connor and I have just talked about your plans and I do understand what your problem is. But be assured that you can talk to me about it at any time. I already told Connor that I'm going to think about it and we certainly will find a way."

Obviously, everybody was talking about things I was supposed to know something about but it slowly dawned on me that this was about our yesterday's conversation. But there was a snag to it.

"I don't know anything about plans", I said slowly while I shifted the fully loaded basket from my right to my left arm. Father Timothy blinked in confusion and glanced at Connor who was frowning.

"Well, I thought..." The priest began to knead his hands uneasily. "I thought that the engagement is close to being in existence and that you're only thinking about the marriage ceremony."

My eyebrows leaped up. Engagement? You spoke about marriage once and were engaged immediately? Either I had missed something important or I had got the meaning of engagements wrong. My gaze slid to Connor who returned it completely calm. That was seeking clarification.

Father Timothy seemed to think that, too because he looked at each of us before he nodded to us and said: "I think, I will leave you alone. But Lillian, don't forget: You can always talk to me about your concerns."

"Thank you, Father", I murmured but he had already climbed the stairs to the church's door and disappeared inside the Lord's house. Connor and I stood silently in front of each other for a moment before the Assassin reached out his hand and took the basket from me.

"Come, I will carry it home for you", he said unnecessarily and we walked on to the manor. First I waited if he was going to explain what the conversation with the Father had meant but he remained silent. I had to suppress an annoyed sound.

"Don't you want to explain to me why everyone is assuming that we're having wedding plans?"

I looked at him, my eyebrows arched but Connor shrugged his shoulders.

"Because we do have them. We just talked about it yesterday."

"We spoke about it in general but it doesn't mean that you can start to make plans. You didn't even ask me yet if I want to marry you."

The Assassin frowned and gave me a glance from the side. "First of all, I have not made any plans. I just asked Timothy if he has a solution for your concerns about your religion. And second, I did not think that it is necessary to ask you. At least you started talking about it yesterday and you would not have done it if you would not want to marry me. Or am I wrong?"

I wanted to answer him but I didn't know what to say. He was right, after all. I shook my head anyway.

"But you have to ask me anyway. You can't walk around and tell other people until then and we also haven't made any decisions until then."

Connor stopped now and held me back with grabbing my arm as I wanted to walk on. He appeared to be confused and didn't seem to understand my point of view. I for my part didn't understand what he had been thinking. He couldn't take all my words so seriously. He neither would move the whole house if I would tell him that its closeness to the cliff made me feel dizzy sometimes. But in this case, he did.

"I want to marry you, you want to marry me. Why should I ask you, if I know the answer already? You are making it more complicated than it has to be."

Pragmatic but not wrong. But why was I making it more complicated? I didn't want him to get me a star from the sky. I just wanted a goddamn proposal. I folded my arms in front of my chest.

"Why is it complicated if I want you to ask for my hand properly? Like other men would do. At least we are not talking about some horse-trading."

Connor's eyebrows rose before he closed his eyes shortly and sighed. Was the poor man overstrained now?

His eyes opened again and he took a step towards me. The basket in one hand, he grabbed mine with the other and looked at me when he asked casually: "Lillian, do you want to marry me?"

Was he kidding me? I uttered a huff as I pulled my hand back.

"Lillian, do you like spinach?", I imitated his voice what made his expression finally slip away. I felt sorry for him, but he couldn't make it too easy for himself. "You have to be serious about it."

Connor groaned quietly and put two fingers to the root of his nose to knead it.

"I am serious about it. I would not stand here and talk to you about it if I was not. You said I should ask you if you want to marry me and ask for your hand. I did, so what are you expecting from me?"

"Well, that you make a proper proposal and don't ask so succinctly as if you're asking about the weather."

He just stared at me silently for a moment and I could still see incomprehension in his eyes. But when he wanted to grab my hand again, I pulled it back and went on towards the manor.

"Properly!", I repeated and heard him huff behind me before he followed me.

Without saying a word, he carried the basket into the kitchen and grumbled "I will be right back" before disappearing again. Slightly irritated I frowned. Did I demand so much from him? I just wanted him to propose to me properly. Not somewhere on the street with a basket full of vegetables in his hand. As if we were on a market, closing a deal. Other men also courted the women they wanted to marry and just because I had mentioned once, that I would marry him, he couldn't take it as a matter of course. It couldn't be so absurd, even though I knew that Connor wasn't an emotional person. He wasn't romantic, he was pragmatic. But it was only a proposal. He didn't have to sing me a love song and I neither expected a ring. I just didn't want to feel like something naturally.

Morose I began to put away the contents of the basket into the storage room. I felt like I'd had a serious fight with Connor even though that wasn't even the case. But it seemed like we had different ways of looking at things again. If we even weren't in agreement on our engagement, how were we supposed to line up a wedding?

Sighing I leaned against the table, took off my headscarf, and pressed the heels of my hands against my forehead.

Maybe you just should have restrained yourself this time. He isn't like the fine gentlemen you know. Get used to it.

Why wasn't I able to be content with what I had? At least I knew that he loved me and wanted to marry me and I felt the same. But I wouldn't be surprised if Connor would change his opinion about marriage again. I had to apologize when he returned.

I believed to get this chance when I heard the front door open. Hastily I leaped from the table and went into the hallway just to see something white disappearing at the landing upstairs. "Caleb?"

The rumbling steps died away, I heard something hitting the wooden stairs before Caleb jumped downstairs and appeared at the landing. "Yes?"

"What are you doing here?" Skeptically I approached him, which made him nervously approaching me, too. He seemed to try to keep me away from the staircase when he assured me, that he only wanted to go into his room. But I knew that something was up and so I pushed myself past him and went to the staircase. There lay a bow, a quiver, and a sheet.

"Would you like to explain this to me, please?" I climbed up the few stairs and grabbed the weapons at first. It was Connor's second bow and quiver and I doubted that he had given them to the boy. The Assassin was very particular about his weapons and I didn't like that an eleven-year-old boy simply took and seemingly used them.

"I just wanted to practice. I was bored", grumbled Caleb when I picked up the sheet. At first, I didn't notice anything about it except that it was annoyingly larded with grass stains. But then my gaze fell onto a hole. Big enough to be possibly caused by an arrow.

"And as a target, you're using my washed laundry?" Irritated I held the damaged piece of fabric under his nose. "Did you think you could hide it?"

Caleb clenched his teeth. "It wasn't on purpose. I wanted to clean and repair it. You wouldn't have noticed."

"Go into your room and you will stay until I tell you something else" I ordered him to do and hang the weapons over my shoulder and the sheet over my arm. Caleb looked at me disbelievingly. I had never punished him but until now it hadn't been necessary. Now it was different.

"But why? It's only a sheet." Caleb sulked defiantly but I came down to him and pushed him towards the staircase.

"And the bow is a weapon and not a toy. You could have hurt you or someone else and I doubt that Connor allowed you to take it. So go upstairs and when he comes back, I will send him to you. You can discuss it thoroughly with him then if you want to."

Caleb took a deep breath to protest but I pointed remorselessly at the staircase whereupon he obeyed grumbling. I heard him murmur something about my alleged unfairness before his stumping steps disappeared towards his room.

Shaking my head I went through the hallway to the hidden door which lay at the backside of the staircase. I pulled the sconce which opened the door through a mechanism and climbed down the wooden stairs into the basement. There was only Connor's realm and until now I only had been here once. The Assassin used to train here which was especially shown by the battered straw doll in the middle of the room. But above all, he was storing his weapons on the other end of the basement. A small room, piled up with shelves in which tomahawks, pistols, swords, and other weapons were tidily stored. I had already had an unpleasant feeling the last time I had seen this deadly collection and also now, I tried to not look at them as I put bow and quiver back to their usual place.

I hurried up with leaving the room and going upstairs. At least I had to wash and dry the sheet a second time before I could patch it up.

In the evening I sat, in the light of a lamp, in the bed and attended to patching the sheet. Sewing and knitting was the only useful thing I had learned about housekeeping. But I could barely concentrate. Connor had returned just after sunset and was talking to Caleb for quite a while now. He hadn't been angry when I had told him about the boy's mischief but his expression had become very serious when he had promised me to resolve this problem. I doubted that he would scold the boy but I hoped that he would appeal to his conscience at least. The thought, that Caleb didn't consider that weapons were no toys and especially that he made use of Connor's arsenal, scared me. He also could have used a pistol. That only a sheet had come to harm was a miracle and I had repaired it more quickly than a person could have recovered from a wound.

I stroked over the seam with my fingertips, checking if I had worked properly enough and folded up the sheet to clear it away, together with my utensils. I had barely gone to bed again when the door opened and Connor came in.

"And?", I asked and sat up while he sat down at the edge on his side of the bed and loosened the laces of his leggings.

"He apologized and understood that he has to respect weapons and should not use them thoughtlessly. But we agreed that I will teach him archery if he wants to learn it."

My eyebrows rose in astonishment. "You even want to teach him?"

Connor took off his shoes and began to unbutton his shirt, likewise calmly. "Why not? I was much younger than he is today when I learned it."

"That was different. You had to learn it, he doesn't. Why should he learn to use a weapon?"

"It is not just about learning how to use a weapon. He has to understand it. Only when he learns the proper handling, he will be able to have the necessary respect."

He slipped the shirt off his shoulders and laid it over the bedpost before he slipped under the blanket and adjusted the pillow under his head.

I watched him skeptically which didn't escape his notice.

"It almost sounds as if you're talking about a human being", I murmured and sank back into my pillow, too. Connor smirked slightly.

"Men and weapons are not that unlike sometimes. If you are not careful, somebody gets hurt."

I turned onto my side and looked at him, lying on his back, his gaze directed to the ceiling but his eyes closed. I still had a bad feeling about my affectations today and I asked myself, what he was thinking about it. Was he angry or had he already forgotten it?

"Connor, I'm sorry about today", I began quietly whereupon he opened his eyes and turned his head towards me. "I'm really making things more complicated than they have to be sometimes."

Connor looked at me silently for a moment, before he turned onto his side, too, and moved a bit closer to me.

"I do not mind. I understand you." He smirked. "I have not thought that you would expect a proposal because I thought that it would not be important. But I spoke with Prudence again since I had no idea of what you are expecting me to do."

I raised an eyebrow. "You talked to Prudence about it?"

Connor shrugged his shoulders. "She is a woman and someone who knows a lot about emotional things. And besides that, I know that she would not laugh or even gossip."

He reached out an arm for me and gently pulled me closer to him, a faint grin on his lips.

"But why am I supposed to go down on my knees in front of you? I understand why you want flowers but why should I kneel? Do I have to surrender to you?"

Speechless I just stared at him for a moment but then I broke out laughing. Even though he was grinning, he was totally serious about his question, and honestly, I didn't know an answer. But to compare a genuflection with surrender was something I had never really thought about.

"I don't know", I said giggling. "It's somehow romantic. Basically, the man is asking the woman to marry him and maybe it's easier to ask when you are on your knees."

Connor shook his head grinning. "That is somehow humiliating. I want to be at eye level with someone when I am asking for something."

"I'm almost two heads shorter than you. We're hardly ever at eye level."

I was still giggling quietly but stopped abruptly when Connor finally pulled me to him so that we were lying chest to chest. The tips of our noses nearly touched each other and I felt his breath brushing my face as he smirked and said: "Now we are."

Yes, it seemed so but I was tempted to break the eye contact and to snuggle into his arms. Like always he was radiating a warmth that made me seek his closeness even though I was always a bit afraid of lying so close to him in bed, especially when he wasn't wearing a shirt like now. I had the sudden desire to touch him, to feel the contours of his muscles with my hands but I was afraid of what I could evoke in him. That he could expect more from me than I was willing to give him at the moment. But actually, I knew that Connor would never do that.

Even now he just lay next to me, one arm around me, and stroked gently over my back without turning his gaze away. He made me nervous and so I closed the last distance between us, laid an arm over him and buried my head against his chest. I closed my eyes and could immediately fall asleep in his arms but was completely confused when Connor moved away from me and put a hand under my chin so that I looked at him. He took a deep breath before a faint smile curled his lips.

"Do you want to marry me, Lillian?"

I blinked several times because I hadn't expected him to ask again. But even though this wasn't a usual proposal, the honesty in his voice and the feeling it caused, was enough for me.

A bright smile appeared on my face when I moved closer to him again and whispered against his lips: "Of course I do. Although I would have liked to see you kneel in front of me."

Connor chuckled. "You can wait long for that."

And our lips found each other in a long, deep kiss.