Reviews:

Luthlien: Actually it´s a tough question. Never thought about it. But I guess I would have done the same as Lillian. I would have been too afraid of leaving the brothel on my own and only in my nightgown. But I wouldn´t have sold my body either. I would have tried to escape as soon as possible but I fear thinking of it, is easier than actually being in this situation. But thanks again for your review and your compliment. ;)

MohawkWoman: Yes, Nathan is Connor´s No. 1 target...for now. ^^ You´re right. It isn´t over yet, that´s everything I can say. ;)

tina: Actually I wanted to create a whole new character as Lillian´s savior but then I remembered Sam Adams and thought, it would be easier to "use" him instead. :D Especially because he knows Connor and so on.


I just want you to be fine

When I pulled away from Connor and looked into his face, I couldn't say what he had on his mind. Even though his expression was hard, I saw relief in his eyes. But his posture showed suppressed anger, especially when he grabbed my hands, took a step back, and looked me over. As if he wanted to make sure that everything was still in place and I asked myself what he was seeing.
During the days I had spent with the Adams', I had put on a bit of weight but at least enough, so that my bones of décolleté and shoulders didn't stick out as unpleasant as before. I was still pale but the bruises in my face had disappeared. The grazes were only faint red lines on my skin that Connor's thumb stroked, as his gaze fell on my wrists. Like Sam Adams had said before: I had recovered externally but it wasn't enough for Connor.
He was frowning while he kept looking at my wrists. "I am sorry", he said and when he raised his eyes, there was so much guilt in them that it was a stab to my heart. In an instant, I wanted to tell him that he didn't need to apologize but Connor raised a hand and took a deep breath before he continued talking.

"I should have intervened much earlier. Before Nathan could ride away with you. You were already gone when I took up the chase and I tried everything to find you, you have to believe that. I was in the frontier for days, asking everyone I met for a suspicious group of men with a woman. Even my brothers helped me. We searched you in Boston, in New York and there they said that somebody had seen you. But I never had a final trace. Nothing while you have been alone with those men."
All of this came out of him in one stream of words as if it had burdened his mind for an eternity and it seemed like that was the case. His voice faltered and he looked down at our hands again, his face twisted in pain.

"Again and again I had to think about what you must be enduring but I could not help you. Sam told me about your condition and I wish I could have prevented you from being harmed at all. I am so sorry, Lillian. I...failed you."
It hurt to see him like this because as always he blamed himself for something that wasn't his fault. I freed my hands from his grip, stepped closer to him, and put them to his cheeks. I noticed how much his internal suffering had marked him externally. Now, that he had revealed his feelings of guilt to me and with that, had abandoned every appearance of strength, you could see how tired and haggard he was. Light shadows lay under his eyes which I hadn't noticed before because of his dark skin tone and his eyes appeared tired and dull.

"You didn't fail me", I said firmly and looked into his eyes. "You should never think something like this about yourself and neither would I. You did everything you could, but you can't cause miracles. I don't expect that from you anyway." I smiled slightly and stroked gently over his temple. "The whole time I knew that you wouldn't fail me and even though you weren't with me: Every time I thought of you, I felt stronger. Sad, because I missed you, but stronger because I knew that I was going to be with you again. I never knew how or when but I never gave up the thought of it and tried to find my way back to you."

"And you did", Connor said quietly and he took my hands from his face to pull me to him again and to press a kiss on my hair. "I knew that you were a strong woman", he whispered to me and the smile on my face froze because I remembered his conversation with Adams. Connor had said that he was sure that I would overcome the events but he hadn't sounded convinced. Was he now? Or would the conversation follow, which we probably had to hold anyway?
As if Connor had shared my thoughts, he pulled away from the embrace and looked at me seriously. "I know that you probably do not want to talk about it and even though Sam already told me something, I would like to hear from you, what happened during these last weeks. Is that fine with you?"
I had to suppress the urge to bite my lower lip with discomfort and so I quickly nodded before I could change my mind. Connor took my hand, grabbed a chair, and pushed it to the foot of the bed before he indicated to me, that I should sit at the latter. I did and he sat down on the chair in front of me. Calm but also tensed, he looked at me while I hesitantly started to talk.

I told him the same I had told Adams before, but even though I barely dared it, I told him everything. He learned that Nathan had told me after my attempted escape, that I hadn't needed to be afraid of an assault. But he also learned about my previous begging as I had still believed that it was Nathan's intention and that I had wanted him to do it.
Connor learned that they had expected me to sleep with other men in the brothel and that Joanne had drugged me so that I allowed it. I even told him about the punter. That he had undressed and touched me. That he had almost slept with me, but that I had been able to defend myself in the last possible moment, had knocked him out, and had taken his money before I had fled.
Connor listened to me the whole time, but I saw that he had to pull himself together to not lose his temper. A dangerous gleam was in his eyes after I had ended. He ground his teeth while clenching his fists. He was angry. With me? Ashamed I lowered my eyes and kneaded my hands while I was struggling with words. I felt like I had to explain myself and apologize.

"I shouldn't have given in to Nathan. I don't know if I would have defended myself in the end, but the fact alone, that I practically permitted him, was wrong", I said with a shaky voice. "But I never wanted what happened in the brothel. I always said that I didn't want to prostitute myself. I just stayed. I thought that I could run away as soon as I had a dress because I never would have come far in a nightgown. Right then I was already regretting that I had given in to Nathan and that was why I didn't want to become a whore and cheat on you. I couldn't know that they would drug me. I defended myself nevertheless and..."
Connor lifted his hands and indicated to me, with a shake of his head, that I should stop talking. The words quickly poured out of me but I just wanted to explain myself. He had to know that I had never wanted to be with another man but him.

"Do you know that this was my greatest fear?", he asked in a husky voice. "That he or somebody else would rape you. I feared for your life but somehow I thought that Nathan would not kill you because he wanted something else from you."
Connor ran his hand over his face and shortly appeared like he had to put his thoughts in order. I let him, staying silent and still kneading my hands. But I stopped when Connor grabbed and squeezed them gently. Hesitantly I raised my head and looked straight into his eyes. He looked serious but not angry anymore.

"To be honest, I do not know what to think about you offering yourself to Nathan. It confuses me, but I believe you when you say, that you never really wanted it. You were afraid, I understand. Often we do something wrong when we are afraid. I cannot blame you for that and I do not want to because I can see that you are already suffering from it. What happened in the brothel was not your fault." He faltered for a moment and took a deep breath as if he were struggling for self-control again. "The thought that this man, as well as Nathan, have touched you, makes me sick and I wished I could have saved you earlier. Before you had to endure all of that. I cannot take care of this punter anymore but I promise: I will find Nathan and this time, I will not let him escape. Not after what he did to you."
With these words, he caressed the healing grazes again.

"Not only to me." I shook my head. "He and his men haven't been in the homestead just to kidnap me. That has been Nathan's plan alone. They were there to attack us."
Connor frowned. "Are you sure?"

"I am. They talked about it several times. Also on the night of the attack. Nathan said that they roughed us up like they had been told. I think they got the order from somebody else but I don't know from whom. I just know that they wanted to meet someone when we arrived here in Philadelphia. You said that they also attacked the other villages. I think, if they get specific instructions, there must be more organization behind it than you thought."
Connor had listened carefully and appeared very serious and thoughtful now. For the last couple of days, I had barely thought about the gang's intentions because I had been more occupied with myself, to be honest. These days were over now and it became painfully clear to me, that I had never thought about our homestead. About my friends and especially about Caleb.

"How are the others?", I asked and Connor raised his eyes to look at me. "What happened during the attack? Are they alright? How's Caleb?"
Questions after questions, pouring out of me in one stream of words. Connor squeezed my hand reassuringly and a faint smile appeared on his lips.

"Everybody is alright. We had a few injured but they are all on their way to recovery. The only bad thing was that they burned down Terry's and Godfrey's mill. But as soon as they have enough wood, they will rebuild it. Caleb is well, too even though he is reproaching himself because of you. He thinks that he should not have let you send him away."
I closed my eyes sighing when I remembered how I had told Caleb to get help. At this point, I had already known that the men had been after me. I had wanted to protect him but he had learned something from Connor again: Thinking that he had to protect me. I had to talk to him about that. But I was relieved to hear that nobody had been seriously hurt. The destruction of the mill was a bitter blow to the lumberjacks, but with the help of the other settlers, there was going to be a new mill doing its work soon. I had no doubts about it. How much I wanted to be home right now...

"Do you think we can set off as soon as you have rested?" I reached out my hand and caressed his cheek. "You look like you scarcely slept."

"On my way here, I only had a break when the horse needed it. I wanted to be here as soon as possible." Connor gave a forced smile. "But to be honest, I will not rest yet. I will go into the city immediately and ask around for Nathan's gang. If they met somebody, I have to find out whom." He looked at me apologetically. "I know, you want to go home and I would also like to set off immediately. But maybe I can find a trace."
I sighed and nodded, even if I was reluctant. I understood that he wanted to investigate all of that, but he was still looking exhausted. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop him anyway.

"Please be careful", I said quietly and Connor rose from his chair, bent down, and kissed my forehead. "I will and I will be with you as soon as possible."


Connor had held a short chat with Samuel Adams, who had made his own inquiries about Nathan and his men without my knowledge. But he only found out that they were regular guests in a specific tavern, but that wasn't enough for Connor. He left the house and after my initial pleasure of seeing him again, I hoped that he was going to return soon. We had only talked about all the serious things that had happened and I wished, I could have spent more time with him. But I also wanted the gang to be stopped soon and Connor was the only person I found capable of doing so.
So I let him go and spent the day with walking through the garden and enjoying the warm sunshine. It was mid-June. Summer. Besides spring the most beautiful season which I hadn't enjoyed during the last weeks. Thinking about it, I had barely noticed that it had become summer anyway, but I decided to leave the dark thoughts of the last weeks behind me. I wanted to forget. Forget what had happened during the journey and in the brothel. Nathan would get his punishment soon enough, as well as his men. The worst was over, I was reunited with Connor, who didn't reproach me for anything and I was going to be home soon. I wanted to stick to these thoughts and it was easy while the sun was shining warmly on my face. Everything was easier in light. But after daylight followed always the darkness of night.
When I was lying in bed after dinner, Connor still hadn't returned and I began to worry about him. How long would it take to find a trace of the gang? Where was Connor? Did something happen to him? Troubled I turned onto my back and stared into the darkness. That night the moon hid behind the clouds and it was pitch-dark because I had closed the curtains. I saw nothing else but endless blackness and while I was worrying about Connor, I felt the fear again that I had felt during all these nights before Samuel Adams had taken me in. The fear that was created by uncertainty.
"Nothing will happen to him. It's Connor. He can take care of himself and he said that he will be back soon", I said to myself and winced when I heard my voice. Now I was already talking to myself and tried to calm myself. Sighing I rolled onto my side and pulled the blanket up to my chin. No, nothing would happen to him. I should try to sleep and as soon as I would wake up again, he certainly would be back. With this thought, I closed my eyes and fell asleep. But it was a troubled sleep, fed by the fear that I had felt before. But when I dreamt, I wasn't dreaming about Connor.

I was back in the small room in the brothel, only wearing my thin shift and feeling the overwhelming heaviness that seized my whole body. I felt my heartbeat speeding up and panic lacing up my throat when the door opened and this man came inside again. But it wasn't like it had been on this particular night. He was naked and had a bleeding wound on his head which he touched with his hand.

"So you knock me down and take my money? Did you think you can get away with it, just because Connor put up with it?"
I stared at him shocked while he was slowly approaching me and the door opened again. But against my hope, the person who stepped in wasn't here to help me. It was Nathan who leaned against the door frame, grinning widely and looking at me scornfully.

"Not only a whore but also a thief. How deep you've fallen, beautiful."
He laughed while the other man had reached me, pulled the shift over my head, and pushed me onto the bed. I still wasn't able to move but hot tears ran over my cheeks.

"Please, don't", I whimpered while I felt his hands sliding over my body. Nathan stepped closer to the bed and I could see him grin over the other man's shoulder.

"What is it? Not so defensive all of a sudden? Are we becoming weak? What shall Connor think about that?"
I tried to shake my head but still I couldn't. I wanted to contradict Nathan but no word left my lips. I just couldn't. I couldn't move while the stranger bent down to my ear and whispered: "Now I want what I've paid for."
As he said this and I felt his hands moving to my thighs, life came back to my body all of a sudden. I screamed, kicked out, hit out, and closed my eyes, crying desperately when he grabbed my wrists and seized them.

"Let me go", I whimpered and kept trying to free myself from his grip. "Please, I don't want that. Let me go. Please, let me go."

"Lillian! Calm yourself!"

I opened my eyes because it wasn't the stranger, who was talking to me. It was Connor and I wasn't in the small room anymore. I was lying in the bed in the guest room in Samuel Adams' house. It was dark, but the moon shined through the curtains and I could recognize Connor's silhouette. He was kneeling next to me on the bed, leaned over me, and kept my wrists in a firm grip.

"It is just me", he said in a calm voice, now that I had calmed myself, or better to say: Now that I wasn't kicking around like mad anymore. I was still crying and trembling while slowly becoming aware, that it just had been a dream and that I was safe. No man wanted to rape me. Nathan wasn't calling me a whore. There was only Connor who let my wrists go, bent to the bedside table on my side, and enlightened the oil lamp on it. When its light hit my tear-stained eyes, I blinked shortly and when I looked into Connor's worried face, I covered my face with my hands. Why now? I had always slept well in the last nights and had never dreamt of Nathan and this man. Why now of all days? Because I had told Connor about it? Because I still had a guilty conscience?

"Lillian? Lillian, look at me."
I sobbed and didn't want to obey Connor's request. I didn't want to see the concern in his eyes.

"I'm fine", I said, muffled by my hands and I heard Connor sighing.

"You struck and kicked around and when I wanted to calm you, you screamed at me that I shall not touch you. So excuse me, if I do not believe you. Look at me."I bit my lower lip but slowly took my hands from my face and sat up trembling. I leaned my back against the headboard, pulled my knees to my body, and wrapped my arms around them. Connor watched me closely and I kept my gaze down on a spot on the blanket.

"It was just a nightmare", I said quietly.

"Did you dream of this punter and Nathan? That one of them is touching you?"

I nodded and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "But I'm fine. Sorry for scaring you."

"You do not have to apologize. Understandably, you have nightmares. You had much to endure."

A short silence spread during which I felt that he was still looking at me. I didn't know if he was expecting me to say something, but what should I say? I felt bad about what just had happened. One look to the other rumpled side of the bed and to Connor, who was only wearing his trousers, told me that he must have been asleep already. He had been on the road for several days to come here, had spent the whole day in the city to find Nathan and his men and now that he finally could have some rest, I was keeping him awake with some nightmares and hysteria. Damn it.

"I'm fine. Really", I said and gave a forced smile. I rubbed my eyes again, moved out of my huddled posture, and sank back into the pillow. Connor was watching me and I got the impression that he wasn't quite impressed by my performance. Even when I pulled the blanket up to my chin and adopted a relaxed posture on my side, as if I wanted to fall asleep again, he was still sitting next to me and looked down at me. I just wanted to ask him to lie down, too, as he turned towards his side of the bed and stood up. Confused I watched him taking his pillow, throwing it to the floor, and disappearing from my vision when he lay down on the floor. What was that supposed to mean? I swallowed heavily. Great. Now I had chased him out of our bed. Now he had decided that he didn't want to share it with me anymore.
Carefully I crawled to the other side and the edge of the bed. I looked down and saw Connor, curled up on the bare floor. Nothing more with him but his pillow, which he had wedged between his arms and head.

"Don't you want to sleep in a bed with me anymore?", I asked with a shaky voice but Connor's gaze was surprised when he turned onto his back and looked at me.

"Why should I not want that? I just thought that you did not want my closeness for now. All of that upsets you. I do understand if you do not want to be touched by a man and with that, not by me."
Dumbfounded I blinked at him. That was what he was thinking. He thought that I couldn't bear his closeness? He was right: The memory of Nathan and the punter disgusted me and the thought alone, that they had touched me, made me sick. But I wasn't afraid of Connor's closeness. This thought had never come to my mind. But it seemed like Connor misunderstood my silence. A faint smile appeared on his face.

"Do not worry, Lillian. You have to assimilate what you have experienced and I will give you the time you need. I just want you to be fine."
He turned onto his side again and closed his eyes as if he wanted to emphasize his words and prove that sleeping on the floor didn't bother him.
I just kept staring at him, before I uttered a quiet snort and pulled away from the edge. I crawled to the bedside table and turned off the light. But instead of lying down, I stood up, grabbed the pillow and blanket, and walked barefoot to Connor. Even in the faint twilight, I could see him wince as I dropped the pillow directly next to his face. I lay down next to him, without saying a word, and spread the blanket over us.

"What are you doing?", Connor asked surprised and I turned onto my side, towards him.

"If you don't come to bed with me, I will come to you to the floor and show you, that you're talking nonsense."
Like him, I wedged the pillow under my head, before I continued. "You're right. I don't want to be touched by any men. That I had to endure that still scares me and I would like to forget it. But I could never be afraid of your closeness. During all this time, your closeness was everything I was longing for. Like I said once: I felt stronger when I thought of you and how could I be afraid of you? You're not like those men. You would never hurt me and I trust you. I love you and that's why I could never be afraid of you. So never think that you have to stay away from me because I won't allow it anyway."
I couldn't see Connor's face but I was almost sure that I heard him smirking and as if I wanted to emphasize my words, I reached out a hand and ran my fingertips through his medium-length hair before I moved closer to him and kissed him. We both laughed when I missed his mouth and pressed the kiss onto his nose instead, but he gently laid a hand into my nape and his lips found mine precisely. I sighed quietly. Oh yes, I had missed that.

"I love you", I whispered and cuddled up to him when he pulled me into his arms. His warmth embraced me and made me sleepy in an instant. I wouldn't mind if we would stay on the floor tonight.

"I love you, too", Connor replied and I closed my eyes, smiling happily. I was almost asleep when Connor started to speak again.

"Lillian?" – "Hm? – "Please do not think that you have to assimilate everything on your own. I do not want you to hold back anything. Do you promise it?" – "I do."
And I meant what I said. I knew that Connor would never let me down and I wouldn´t do it to him either.