Reviews:
tina: Yes, and you where the only one who was right. Congrats. :D
Luthlien: Thank you. ^^ It´s my favourite, too. It was so much fun to write. And yes, Emily really is her father´s daughter. At least when it comes to her appearance. But I guess her personality is a good mixture of both of her parents. ^^
MohawkWoman: Thank you so much for your review. It made me smile and laugh. I laughed so hard about the imagination of Connor running naked to Diana and Dr. White. I was sitting in the car next to my father and he was...confused. But this thought never came to my mind and it´s so funny. Just imagine it! xD But I think Lillian would have called him back or at least she would have tried. Contractions or not, she can´t allow anyone to see the private parts of her husband. ;P
Family bonds
June 1785
Emily really was a gift. Every time I looked at her, I was seized by pure joy and I would love to hold her in my arms the whole day, cuddling her and hugging her and just never let her go. I practically had been taught to be a mother. But it had almost appeared like a duty to me and I had never learned what it really meant. How it felt and I had never been able to imagine it either. But now I knew that it was one of the most wonderful feelings on earth, even though I doubted my own abilities sometimes.
It came to light that Emily was a child who was literally screaming for attention and soon I was helpless as well as clueless, because especially during the first days after her birth, I found it difficult to find out what she wanted from me. When I noticed that her napkin wasn´t full, I wanted to give her my breast, where she often cried even louder and obviously wasn´t hungry. Then there was nothing else left than to hold her in my arms and rock her, talking quietly to her and waiting for her to calm down. Once I even had been so desperate that I had gone to Dr. White because I had thought that she was ill. But he had reassured me at least, that she wasn´t. The mothers in the homestead were giving me more or less helpful advices, how I could calm Emily, but most of the time I was on my own. Understandably Connor stayed out of everything about Emily´s care. He was generally more reluctant towards her as I would have expected it after her birth. When he was holding her in his arms, he was very loving and gentle, but sometimes I saw a thoughtful expression flitting over his face and I began to ask myself, if it was somehow nagging him that his first-born wasn´t a boy. But I never asked him about it. I just hoped that he wouldn´t behave towards her like my father. He had hugged me sometimes and had told me that he loved me, but when I had come to him and had asked for attention, he had always turned me away or had ignored me completely. It had hurt me, but in the end I had received more love from my father that I could have expected it as a girl and an only child.
But basically and in all fairness, Connor could use it as an excuse that he had other concerns beside his offspring at the moment. He was often in the frontier, sometimes for days, always searching for my brother and his gang and every time Connor came back home, he was certain that the noose was going to tighten soon. That he was close to find the men and especially Ray. But nobody knew how close he actually was.
In a late evening in mid June, about two months after Emily´s birth, I was sitting in the light of an oil lamp in the parlour, my feet comfortably propped up on a stool and Emily laying at my breast. The little one had closed her eyes and uttered a quiet, satisfied smacking from time to time while she was drinking and I gently ran my fingers through her dark shock of hair. Only when I heard how the front door opened and closed again, I raised my eyes and saw a figure in a white coat flitting past the door, whose path was leading directly to the cellar.
"Well, look who just came back", I murmured to Emily. "He´s gone for three days and we can barely save ourselves from his tumultuous greeting."
As if she had understood, Emily uttered a quiet gurgle, before she continued satisfying her hunger. I smirked. "You don´t let yourself be swayed anyway, don´t you?"
I started my gentle caresses again, until Emily turned her head away from my breast and her mouth opened to a silent yawn. I decently laced up my neckline again, lifted Emily to my shoulder and stood up carefully. "So let us go downstairs and see what your father is doing", I said quietly and went to the slightly open hidden door which I opened with my foot.
Connor stood by the wooden table and had bent over a map. I saw his finger running over the yellowed paper and his lips forming words silently.
"And how close are you this time?"
Connor raised his eyes only shortly as I asked this question and his eyes narrowed in face of my slightly sceptical tone.
"It is not easy to get closer to them, but now I know what they are planning next and I will pre-empt them." His voice was full of determination and so I held back any kind of doubting statement. I knew the last part of his sentence too well by now.
Slowly I stepped to Connor, stopped next to him and glanced onto the map in front of us. It didn´t look like a normal map. The lines, that could have been streets, were connected to each other almost arbitrarily, crossed at different spots and rarely had descriptions.
"What is this?", I asked and bent forward a bit to read the few descriptions. But they were totally unreadable for me.
"A map of Boston´s underground tunnels." Connor ran his flat hand over the map, as if he could remove the creases from the paper like that. He pointed at a spot on the map and followed a line from there northwards. "This tunnel leads from the south-western end of Boston underneath the State House. They want to use the tunnel to intrude into it and to attack the government officials there."
"They want to attack the seat of government of Massachusetts? Are you sure?"
"Very sure." An expression of grim satisfaction appeared on Connor´s face. "But they will not expect us to be there and stop them. We will make them tell us Jarvis' hideout and as soon as we got him, everything will be over."
"And what makes you think that they will tell you it right then? At least you were confronted with them quite often already and never learned something really helpful."
"Maybe I did not ask correctly", Connor mumbled as an answer and began to roll up the map of Boston´s underground tunnels. I kept a reply to myself. I didn´t want to know what he thought how the correct way had to be like.
"Has everything been fine here?", Connor asked, while he put the map to other rolled up documents and finally turned around to me.
"As always", I said shortly and waited for him to ask for Emily´s wellbeing, who was moving her legs from time to time and had buried her by my hand supported head in my shoulder, entirely calm and peaceful for now. But Connor didn´t say anything like that. But at least he stepped to me and briefly stroked over Emily´s cheek, whereupon she tried to turn her head into his direction.
"She always wants to know what is happening around her", I said with a smirk and looked at Connor, who was watching our daughter with his head cocked, having this strange expression on his face again. I suppressed a sigh and tickled Emily´s head lightly, while I wordlessly went to the staircase and upstairs again. Connor followed me.
"In two days I am going to ride to Boston", he told me and when I glanced at him over my shoulder, his mind already seemed to be there and probably fighting the unavoidable fight.
"Then you should use your time until then to gather your strengths. You´re already looking tired", I replied and stopped on my way to the staircase, as Connor answered.
"I will. I wanted to go to bed now anyway. Mr. Faulkner needs my help on the Aquila tomorrow."
A smirk flitted across my face when an idea came to my mind. I turned around to him.
"If you go upstairs, could you take Emily with you and lay her into her cradle?", I asked and gained a confused gaze.
"Why? Did you not just want to bring her upstairs anyway?", Connor asked and I had to pull myself together not to roll my eyes and to keep my smile up.
"Yes, but I wanted to eat something, too and furthermore wanted to go to the stables. I still have some food for Noir in the kitchen. If you´re going upstairs anyway, you can bring Emily to bed. I have taken care of her, so you only have to lay her down. Is that too much to ask for?"
My husband´s gaze flitted to our daughter who was almost sleeping on my arms already. He didn´t seem to be sure about an answer, but he finally gave in.
"No, of course not", he mumbled and my smile widened.
"Thank you." I carefully handed him Emily, who opened her eyes shortly, as her head came to rest on Connor´s shoulder and his chin brushed her forehead. She uttered a quiet, gurgling noise, before she yawned and closed her eyes again.
"She´s feeling comfortable with you." I briefly stroked her cheek, before I laid my hands on Connor´s arms and kissed him gently. "I will come after you as soon as possible."
I barely understood Connor´s mumbled answer, but he had already turned around and went upstairs with slow, careful steps. I looked after him with satisfaction. I hoped that we would lose any kind of uncertainty, which he was probably feeling towards Emily, when he was alone with her. Although if it was only for a few minutes. Normally I was always with them and sometimes had the feeling that he was relieved when he could give Emily back to me. No matter how much he loved her. I didn´t expect him to take care of her day and night. That was my task. I just wished that Emily wasn´t going to feel like me one day and wished that she had known her father better. My father´s death had been an unexpected tragedy. I always had to fear that Connor´s life could be ended soon and what was going to be left of him for Emily then? The feeling that she hadn´t been really acknowledged because she wasn´t a boy? I didn´t want that and I doubted that Connor did.
I went into the kitchen, took a slice of bread and ate it standing up, before I grabbed the bowl with rests of meat and bones which I wanted to bring to Noir. When I wanted to leave through the front door, I paused. Emily´s crying sounded from upstairs and my first impulse was to go to her in an instant, but I didn´t. Connor was with her. She was nursed and I doubted that she already had a full napkin. She only needed to be calmed down, as always before she finally fell asleep and Connor had seen how I did it often enough. He actually should be able to do it on his own. Nevertheless I stayed for a moment and waited if Connor would call for me. But he didn´t and although Emily was still crying, I opened the door with a heavy heart and slipped outside. Connor wouldn´t ignore her and let her cry. At least I hoped so...
I hurried to the stable and was greeted by Noir, whose tail began to lash back and forth in excitement, as she noticed the bowl in my hand. "Enjoy, girl", I smirked and stroked over her back, as she began to eat. I just wanted to go back, as she raised her head in a jerk and looked to the house. A muffled growl escaped her throat and made me wince.
"What is it?", I asked but Noir had already stormed away. She didn´t bark but her whole posture was lurking and tensed when she stopped half way to the house and stared into the darkness. The moon was lightening the landscape but I couldn´t see anything that could have startled Noir so much, as I stopped next to the tall dog. With my hand on her nape, I let my gaze roam over the tree line next to the house. I had a bad feeling, but I couldn´t see anything and anybody.
Maybe she has just smelled a racoon or another animal, I tried to calm myself and glanced at the dog. She still uttered a growl from time to time, but she seemed to relax already.
"Well then, girl. Go and enjoy your dinner." I patted her side and pointed at the stable. Noir obeyed and slowly walked back. Whatever she had noticed, obviously it wasn´t worth the trouble. Taking a deep breath and thinking of Emily, I returned to the house. I didn´t notice the tied package in the shadows aside the staircase.
In the hallway I stopped for a moment and noticed with satisfaction, that Emily´s crying had ended. Nevertheless I was a bit hesitant as I went upstairs and opened the door to the bedroom.
"Is everything al...", I paused and a moved smile appeared on my lips as I looked at the bed. There was Connor laying relaxed on his back, Emily laying on her belly on his chest. He had spread the blanket over them and his hand was resting on Emily´s back protectively. Both of them seemed to be soundly asleep. It was such a harmonious sight that I wished I could capture it somehow and I really didn´t want to disturb them.
I got changed quietly and prepared myself for the night, before I went to the bed and kneeled down in front of it. I gently ran my fingers through Connor´s hair, bent forward and kissed his temple. Blinking he opened his eyes and his hand moved to Emily´s head, as if he wanted to check if she was still there.
"It seems like I can leave you alone", I smirked and watched Connor running his fingertips through his daughter´s black hair.
"She began to cry and I took her onto my arms and rocked her, like you use to do. But she only calmed down when I lay down with her", he explained whispering and I uttered a chuckle.
"Well, maybe she takes after me in this respect." Smirking I played with the braid on his temple. "It´s always easier to me, to fall asleep when I can cuddle up to you."
An amused sparkle appeared in Connor´s eyes, before he looked at Emily who was still asleep. I followed his gaze and we watched her sleeping for a while, while I enjoyed this warm feeling that was seizing my body. How much I loved these two people.
"I will bring her to her cradle", I said quietly and carefully pushed the blanket aside, to lift Emily likewise carefully. Our little girl moved her legs and arms shortly, but stayed asleep. Carefully I carried her to her cradle and kissed her hair, before I laid her down gently.
"Sleep well, my angel", I whispered and stroked over Emily´s cheek again, before I went back to the bed and lay down to Connor. I turned off the light and loved to let myself been pulled into Connor´s arms. This really was the best place to fall asleep and forget every thought about supposed racoons by the house.
The package, I had failed to notice, was found by Caleb in the morning. It contained my tricorn and the dagger I had borrowed from Connor. I had lost them in the fort. Connor´s anger about my brother grew immensely when we became aware that Ray had sneaked to our house again without being caught by us. I for my part felt sick with the thought that he probably had been close to me, when I had gone to Noir. Even the beautiful wooden figure of a horse, which had been in the package for Emily, couldn´t change that. Connor threw it into the fire of the hearth, where it burnt slowly and crackling quietly. My husband forgot every duty towards Mr. Faulkner and the Aquila when he set off into the frontier, hoping to find a trace to Ray. I stayed behind with mixed feelings and tried to concentrate on my housework. I swept the whole house, cleaned the kitchen and finally went outside to sweep the stairs which were leading to the front door. I was entirely engrossed in my work and only paused from time to time to attend to Emily, who I was carrying in a large scarf in front of my chest, where she was laying like in a bag, protected, totally calm and sleeping most of the time. I didn´t notice the person, who was approaching me from the forest and watched me for quite a while. Only when I was done and supported myself with the broomstick to run my hand over my sweaty forehead, I noticed it from the corner of my eye.
I winced appalled, whirled around and stared at the person, who was standing only a few metres away in the shadows of the trees, entirely motionless. Because of the wide cape I couldn´t see anything of this person, but I knew who was standing in front of me anyway.
"Ray?", I uttered and the person moved, straightening up but not making an attempt to come to me. My gaze flitted into the direction of the homestead, to the stable, to the house and to the bay. I didn´t see anyone who could have helped me, if it should become necessary, but nevertheless I approached the person hesitantly.
"Ray, is it you?", I asked with a shaky voice and stopped when I was three steps away from him, my hand laying protectively on Emily´s head.
"It´s nice to see you again, little sister."
An ice cold shiver ran down my spine as I heard this rasping voice, which I had already heard months ago in the fort. Nothing about it reminded me of my brother´s voice or a human voice at all, but it belonged to him.
"Please, don´t be afraid of me. I won´t harm you. I couldn´t", Ray said and although it was difficult for me, not to be afraid, I tried to calm myself. I tried to remember that he was still my brother. No matter what he had done. I tried to remember our childhood. His untroubled laughing, the stories he had told me and the countless times when we had sneaked into the kitchen to feast secretly on freshly baked biscuits. It really helped me to suppress my fear of him somehow.
"What do you want here?", I asked and tried to glance underneath the hood at the same time, but I failed. Ray´s whole body seemed to be covered by this cape and I asked myself, why this was the case.
"I want to talk to you", he answered. "I wanted to try it earlier, but it was always...inopportune. Especially because I had your husband on my back."
My gaze roamed over our environment again. Connor could be close right now, too, but what would happen, if he would meet Ray now? But the better question to ask was: What should I do? Did I want to talk to Ray? What could he have to tell me anyway? Would he try to clear himself of his crimes? Did I want to hear anything from him? I was only sure that I didn´t want to make him think that he was in control of this conversation. It only depended on my good will and so I knitted my eyebrows and looked at him as cold as possible.
"What do you want to talk about? About your crimes?", I asked sharply, but it seemed like Ray wanted to ignore this question. He made a step towards me and didn´t care that I flinched back. He reached out his arm and I winced, as the wide sleeve of his cape revealed a terribly scarred hand. There was not a single piece of healthy skin and I asked myself again, what had happened to Ray.
He pushed the scarf aside, in which I was carrying Emily, so that he could look into her peaceful face.
"A pretty child", he said quietly. "A girl, isn´t it?"
I nodded and Ray pulled his hand back. "I´m glad to see that you obviously found your luck. I was always sorry for you, that you were pushed and commanded around. I had never thought that you could ever free yourself from it, but you did. You married far below your class and above all, somebody who will never fit into the usual society. I´m proud of you."
His tone was neutral, even though I was inclined to expect mockery in it. Something that told me that he didn´t mean what he said. But he seemed to be serious about it. I just didn´t know what to reply. Silently I was standing in front of him and wasn´t able to keep up my cold facade anymore. Now I was insecure, but Ray wasn´t impressed by it again.
"I´m sorry by the way that I broke your wrist during our last meeting. I didn´t know that it was you and I was shocked when I recognized you. Did you find the package with your things?"
I nodded silently again and thought of the little wooden horse Connor had burnt. It had been a well-intentioned gesture from Ray, as well as the food in the winter.
"Thank you for your...gifts", I uttered but Ray shook his head.
"You don´t have to thank me. You are my sister. Especially in winter I couldn´t allow that you were wanting for anything."
His words made me hope again. Hope that he hadn´t changed that much. But then I remembered what I had learned about him and his men and I suppressed every hopeful thought.
He´s a criminal. A murderer and a thief.
"Why are you doing all of this?", I asked, entirely incoherent. "Why are you commanding your men to attack and kill people? The food you brought us was stolen, wasn´t it?"
Ray was silent at first and it annoyed me that I couldn´t see his face. I wanted to guess what he was thinking, so that I was able to react to it. I had to be careful with what I said, but at the same time I hadn´t the feeling that I had to be afraid of him. But I needed my question to be answered.
"It´s necessary", Ray started. "If we don´t do it, they will never understand and they will keep sinking into the marsh of their betrayal. Nobody of them is innocent. Neither are your friends, although I wouldn´t have ordered the attack, if I had known that you´re living here."
"What are you talking about?", I hissed. "What do they have to understand? What are they guilty of? You don´t know my friends! None of them has ever done something bad!"
"You weren´t here", Ray growled and now I was feeling fear. "They are all rotten to the core. All of them. Even your husband, of whom I wished I could have protected you. If I had known what Nathan wanted to do to you, I would have told him that he should bring you to me. But this bastard had his own plans. I could have protected you. From everything. Even from your child."
I froze. What was he talking about? Why did he want to protect me from Emily?
He´s insane, I thought and moved back from Ray, my arms wrapped around Emily, who was asleep luckily.
"You are afraid of me", Ray said flatly. "You don´t have to be afraid of me, Lilly. Not you. You are innocent. You don´t belong to them. I want to protect you. I even punished Nathan for what he did to you."
"What do you mean?"
If I let him talk, maybe I would be able to keep walking towards the house and away from him. Maybe I could play for time until somebody came down the path.
"He pranced around like a rooster and boasted that he had paid some whore back for refusing him and letting herself be mounted by a savage instead. I thought nothing of it at first, until I learned that he was talking about you." He made a step towards me. "I couldn´t allow anybody to talk about my sister like that. So I let him pay for it." A guttural and hoarse laugh sounded and went right through me. "He will never come too close to a woman again, Lilly. You can be sure of that."
"What have you done?", I whispered. "Did you kill him?"
Ray shook his head. "No. Much better. I let him be tied up like a pig with spread legs and cut off his prick and his balls with a sharp knife. Snip, snap." He moved his index and middle finger like a scissor and I felt sickness rising up. "I gave him both to eat and then I let him rot in the sun. You should have seen him! How he wailed and whimpered. Begging me, but it only took half a day until the crows feasted on him." Ray laughed again and I finally had enough.
"You are sick!", I uttered and ignored that Emily started moving uneasily. "I don´t want to hear anything more from you! No matter what you have to say, you are not my brother! The Ray I know would have never harmed anyone and he certainly wouldn´t have talked about it as if he had enjoyed it."
I kept stepping backwards and Ray followed me immediately. "But Lilly...", he said quietly and reached out his hand for me.
"Go", I hissed. "Clear off and never come back again, you bloody bastard."
As I kept retreating from him, Ray stopped this time and despite his hood, I knew that he was staring at me. I had called him by the insult, which was already accompanying him his whole life, on purpose. But I didn´t care. I just wanted him to leave. I hadn´t learned much, but his behaviour and especially his words about Nathan were finally showing me, that this wasn´t my brother anymore. This man was an ice-cold killer and probably not in his right mind either.
"Clear off!", I repeated and almost screamed this time. Emily finally began to wriggle and cried shortly afterwards. I gently pressed her against my chest while I walked sideward to the house, not turning my eyes off Ray, who was standing still in the shadows of the trees.
"You will talk to me. You will understand", I heard him saying, but I didn´t reply anything. I just watched him turning away and walking into the forest.
Almost relieved I turned away and hurried to the house. "Where is this goddamn dog?", I murmured as my gaze fell on the stable. Caleb probably had taken Noir with him on some expedition, although she was supposed to watch over the house.
After I had gone through the front door, I kicked it shut with my foot and went into the kitchen. There I lifted Emily out of the wrap, bedded her in my arms and began to rock her calmly.
"Hush, my angel", I whispered and kissed her soft cheeks, while she was still crying loudly. I regret having scared her. But I had the feeling that I wouldn´t have been able to get rid of Ray otherwise. Now I tried to calm her, but inwardly I was entirely troubled myself. Ray´s words remained a mystery to me and a shock at the same time. I had hoped for so long that he wasn´t a bad man. I had always heard about his doings from others. Now he had allowed me to gain an insight into his unscrupulousness on his own. No matter how much I had detested Nathan and no matter how much I had wished that Connor would let him pay for what he had done to me: What Ray had done to him was barbarous and got me to only one thought:
My brother is a monster.
