Bitter decisions
Lillian
"I do not know", Connor murmured after my question. "It seems like everything got mixed up. As if our present life has never existed."
I swallowed heavily as he said this. I had firmly believed this was just a very realistic dream, but now that Connor was standing in front of me and seemed as confused as me, I doubted it.
"Do you think the Apple has something to do with it?", I asked him and he nodded slowly.
"I guess. But I do not know how it happened. What...this is exactly." He raised his hand into a vague gesture towards the clearing, but I understood what he meant. He also asked himself if this was real or only an imagination. An imagination we shared.
"I'm just glad you're here", I whispered and put a hand on his cheek, which made him smile.
"And I am glad that you are fine. Except of this." Connor ran his thumb over the aching spot beneath my eye, where Richard had hit me. A forced smile flitted across my lips. I just wanted to tell him about my strange reunion with my uncle, as someone beside us cleared their throat. It was the native woman, who stood almost right beside us, with crossed arms and arched eyebrows.
"Ratonhnhaké:ton, I am sure you will explain to me who this is and what is going on", she said with a cold undertone in her voice. I felt Connor tense for a moment and my gaze met his, as he looked at me. Visibly struggling for words. Then he squared his shoulders, took a step away from me and pointed at the woman and back at me. "Mother, this is Lillian. Lillian, this is my mother Kaniehtí:io."
When he introduced her to me, the look he gave me had something warning about it, but I couldn't stop myself from staring at her in surprise at first. In all the joy and confusion to see Connor, I hadn't thought of her words that she was here with her son. But now the realization hit me. The familiarity I had felt when she had looked at me and I had recognized her necklace. It lay on a commode in our bedroom and was kept by Connor like a treasure. I had never dared to touch it and now I saw it around the neck of its rightful owner. Connor had hardly been able to tell me about her death. The pain of her loss had never left him and I had often heard him calling for her in the night. We had never really talked about it, but I knew that he saw her dying in his dreams. But now she was here and gave me a cold and distrustful gaze. I didn't know what to say. 'Nice to meet you' seemed absolutely absurd. But it didn't seem like she was expecting such an empty phrase anyway.
Her gaze turned back to Connor, who was still totally tensed. "Now I know her name but I still do not know who she is." She gave him a demanded look, while he looked at me, but I didn't know how to answer her question either. We both didn't know what was going on. We didn't know what had happened and what hadn't. Which life we had lived in the eyes of those we met here, but Connor was certainly right with saying, that the life we remembered didn't exist. He obviously lived with his people, I had still lived with Richard. The chance that Connor and I had ever met under these circumstances was hardly existent. We would be strangers to each other and I felt a painful helplessness about this thought. How should Connor explain who I was to him?
He seemed to be struggling with this thought on his own, but I finally saw determination in his eyes, as he stepped beside me and grabbed my hand. "Mother, it is difficult to explain. Maybe I will never be able to explain it, but I met Lillian a while ago and she is the woman I love", he said without hesitation and a disbelieving silence was the answer, while Kaniehtí:io looked back and forth between Connor and me. I, for my part, didn't know how to behave. I felt more than uncomfortable in this situation and I sensed that Connor felt the same. But he kept my hand so firmly in his grip, as if it would emphasize his words and made them easier to understand. It didn't.
Connor's mother slowly began to shake her head and her eyes narrowed, as she took as step towards us and looked at her son. "Just to get it right: You, who never showed any interest in finding a woman over the last couple of years, who rejected every girl. You stroke out and fell in love with a European woman of a good family. How did this happen?"
"Like I said: It is difficult to explain, but..."
"Of course it is difficult to explain", she interrupted Connor harshly. "You obviously lost your mind! Not only that this woman comes out of nowhere and I do not understand how you two met each other, you are even brazen enough to confront me with accomplished facts! So you know for a while? So it means, I have never learned that you were looking for a wife and fell in love. Apart from her background: When did you want to tell me about her? When she is with child and almost giving birth?"
While she had spoken and had found such plain words, I had more and more shrunk, while Connor's grip around my hand became almost painfully firm. The situation was as unpleasant as it was wrong, but I could understand Kaniehtí:io's anger. From her point of view I had appeared from nowhere and it must be painful for a mother to learn that her only child had made an important step in their life without telling her. Additionally I certainly wasn't the daughter-in-law she had imagined. Insecure I glanced at Connor, whose expression had entirely hardened by now. He was struggling and I understood him, too and it hurt that he had to hear those words from his mother he had just got back. But there certainly wasn't a reasonable explanation for my appearance because he couldn't tell her the truth. We didn't know what the truth was, after all. But there was one thing I was certain about.
Carefully I freed my hand from Connor's grip and shortly touched his arm. "I think I should better go", I said quietly and already wanted to turn away to go to the villagers, but Connor stopped me.
"You will not go", he said with a firm voice. "It is too dangerous. Furthermore…" His determined gaze slid to his mother who returned it coldly. "I know that I should have told you about her long ago. It was a mistake and I am sorry. But the circumstances are anything but easy."
"Why do you not just explain these circumstances to me?"
Connor pressed his lips together again and searched for the right words, until I shortly squeezed his hand and turned to Kaniehtí:io.
"Con…Ratonhnhaké:ton helped me and others in a desperate situation", I started and saw from the corner of my eye that Connor lightly shook his head. But his mother deserved an answer and shouldn't be lied to. So I stayed as close to the truth as possible. "We kept meeting each other after that. Accidentally or on purpose. This is how we got to know each other, but my uncle, whom I lived with, would have done everything to keep him away from me and I didn't want him to get in danger. Ratonhnhaké:ton had to promise me not to tell anybody that we know each other. So it wasn't his fault alone."
Kaniehtí:io's eyes narrowed again while she looked me over attentively and I involuntarily remembered how Connor had looked at me this way, after I had tried to convince him to take me to Davenport. Searching for a hint of dishonesty.
"And where is your uncle now?"
"Dead. The shot him as he wanted to flee instead of paying for my freedom."
"So you do not belong to them?", she asked and nodded at the villagers on the clearing. I shook my head.
"My uncle was my only family."
"And you do not seem to mourn his loss."
"I can't say that we were close. He was a terrible man."
She looked me over again but it didn't seem like she was really convinced. Slowly she shook her head and looked at Connor.
»What do you expect me to do? It is not on me to decide if she can come with us, nor I can tell you that I agree to this..relationship«
»You do not know her, what makes you sure about it? I think especially you should not judge her by her background«
I raised my eyes in concern about the suppressed anger in Connor's voice. His mother noticed it, too and I shortly saw anger in her dark eyes as well.
»Watch your tongue«, she growled. »I do not mind that she is European. I do not dare to but I only have to look at her to know that she will not cope with a life like ours. What do you think how long it will take until she just disappears because she is missing the familiar comfort? What will you do then?«
»She will not. Believe me, you should not judge her by her appearance. I now that she will be fine«
Kaniehtí:io huffed. »Of course you are saying this. But you will have to realize that your lives are too different to be together. But take her with us. Oiá:ner has to decide. You should not have too much hope though«
Without saying one more word, she turned around and went to a tree where she shortly disappeared as she climbed it. I looked after her, Connor as well, but I soon looked at him and noticed how he tensely grinded his jaws. He still had to suppress his anger and I didn't like the thought that this obviously still had been about me. Connor's and Kaniehtí:io's reactions had shown me that they hadn't come to an agreement.
"I don't want you to argue with your mother because of me", I said quietly and Connor gave me a serious look.
"She is angry and I understand her. But she will calm down and you will come with us. And stay." He said it with such determination that I just wanted to believe him. But I wasn't as optimistic.
Connor's mother had climbed down the tree by now, a dead rabbit and a fox on her shoulder which she had hidden up there.
"We should go", she said shortly as she reached us, but Connor's gaze turned to the villagers and he slowly shook his head. "Give me a moment", he said and already approached the group. Kaniehtí:io and I followed him. Distrustful gazes met the Mohawks but the old man stepped forward, who I recognized as the village's leader Terrence Caine.
"I guess we have to thank you. But you didn't improve our situation. They will come back and they will punish us."
"Do you not have a chance to defend yourself?"
"What for? Arnold will send more men. From now on, we are traitors of the crown and only death will await us."
"Arnold? Who is he?"
"Benedict Arnold. He's one of the king's commanders and mainly responsible for collecting the taxes, as well as for the execution of many innocents."
"He enjoys it." One of the other men had spoken now and spit at the ground. "That's why he's going to enjoy terrorizing us. Your intervention made everything worse. Furthermore Arnold will keep his word and let you pay for it."
"It was not our intention to make your situation worse."
"Intention or not, it happened." Caine gave the other man a signal, who stepped back with a huff. "And you should be more careful. Everyone who rebels will be punished sooner or later. So you should expect meeting Arnold again."
"We will." It was Kaniehtí:io who stepped forward now, grabbed Connor's arm and gave me a silent signal, before she pulled him with her and I followed. Only when we were out of the villager's range, she stopped, let Connor go and took position in front of him once again, this time noticeably concerned.
»Arnold threatened you?«
Connor nodded shortly. »He said I should not rely on their disinterest for us. My intervention was not for nothing«
His mother took an audible breath and ran her hand through her hair while taking an uneasy step to the side. »I should have known. This is not good«
»But we had to help. They would have killed innocent people«
»Yes, but you know what Oiá:ner thinks about it. She does not want us to intervene in the settler's businesses at all. She thinks this would be safer for us, although I always knew that the day would come when the king starts to make demands on us, too. It is a miracle that he did not until now«
Her gaze slid shortly over the villagers, before she squared her shoulders and rearranged the bundle on them. »We should go. I will talk to her as soon as we are back. You will say no word about it. I do not mind if she is angry with me, but she should not be angry with you. But about her« Her gaze flitted to me. »That is on you to explain. I cannot and will not help you with it«
Connor only nodded grimly as his mother walked forward and into the forest. When he wanted to follow her, I grabbed his arm and glanced at the villagers. "Anya was with us. They locked her up in a prison cart and she couldn't flee with us", I said and didn't dare to ask him if he had seen her. It was his expression that said everything and I already knew what he was going to say, before the words had left his lips.
"I was not able to safe her", he said quietly. "Arnold shot her. I am sorry."
I couldn't believe him at first. My mind was too used to the thought that Anya had been freed years ago. I didn't know what had happened to her afterwards but I had always hoped that she was fine. To hear that she hadn't made it this time was painful. It felt like the bullet ran through my heart instead. Tears filled my eyes in an instant as I started to shake my head, as if it would make the thoughts disappear. I felt guilty for Anya's fate. I hadn't thought of her when I had fled. I had abandoned her.
"This is not right", I whispered while the first tears were running over my cheeks. "Richard is dead, she should be free."
Connor didn't say anything. Silently he stood in front of me, until he pulled me into his arms. "We will find out what is going on here and then everything will be like it used to be. She will be free."
I didn't know if he could make his words become true, but I wanted to believe it. I wanted to know what was going on. It scared me, especially the thought that our lives were not the same anymore. That certain people didn't exist here and I didn't even dare to think of Caleb and Emily. Especially of Emily.
"I hope so", I said in a quiet, husky voice. I felt how Connor briefly touched my hair with his lips, before gently pulling away from the embrace and taking my hand. We couldn't see his mother anymore and so we had to hurry up to follow her.
The hiking took almost two hours but I got the feeling that this was only because of me. I remembered the hiking through deep snow when Connor had brought me to Davenport for the first time. Also now, in autumn and on a more or less well-trodden path, it was a single balancing act for me to keep up with Connor and his mother. I constantly had to gather up my skirts, slipped on my even soles from time to time and couldn't keep my balance like I should have, thanks to the dress and the corset. It was embarrassing that I was slowing the two Mohawks down, as well as Kaniehtí:io's frowning looks she was giving me from over her shoulder. I didn't want to know what she must think about me. I was just grateful that Connor walked slowly and patiently beside me, supporting me over and over again or making me aware of obstacles on the path, which I might have missed because of my broad skirts. Because of that, I saw more of the ground beneath my feet than I did of my closer environment. The sun was already setting and the whole forest was bathed in a yellow light that made the colourful leaves of the trees and bushes shine. It was beautiful but I couldn't enjoy it. I only noticed in a corner of my mind that we were in a part of the frontier where I had never been before. When we followed the path down a steep hill, we entered a densely wooded valley. In the distance I could hear a river or even a small waterfall and soon I saw the shimmering water between the trees. But my eyes rather stopped upon a high palisade, clearly visible from the distance. I almost looked like there was a fort, but in the face of Connor's reaction, I didn't need to ask. It wasn't a fort, it was his village. The village where he had grown up among his people and which he hadn't entered for years, especially because his people had already left these lands. At least in the reality we knew.
When we approached the palisade, we could already hear the sound of many voices and as we followed the path behind the fence, we were instantly surrounded by life. I saw children, running laughing between the longhouses, accompanied by dogs and the calls of their mothers, who were calling their offsprings to order. There were several fire places where men and women were standing or sitting, talking or doing their work in silence. Some worked furs which were stretched over frames for this purpose, women were weaving baskets, others were cooking. On the edge of the village was a lake, where villagers were fishing, working on canoes...I was overwhelmed by all this liveliness, because I had never been able to imagine how a native village looked like. On the first sight, it wasn't so different from settlements like Davenport and still it was completely different.
I had stopped at first to capture all these impressions, but when I looked at Connor, I noticed that I wasn't the only one. He was standing beside me as stiff as a poker, slowly looking over his environment. Different kinds of emotions were visible in his face. Joy, grief and the effort to hide these emotions. I saw them anyway and shortly grabbed his hand to squeeze it gently. I couldn't even imagine what was going on in his mind. All of this must be so familiar and still, after all these years, unfamiliar at the same time. He didn't look at me, but returned the squeezing of my hand and slowly relaxed again. Right in this moment, his mother turned around to us and impatiently indicated to us that we should follow her.
Connor and I let each other go, but in the end it didn't matter if we walked through the village hand in hand or not: We got all attention on us anyway, or rather: I did. I hardly dared to raise my eyes to meet the many curious, but also distrustful gazes. I felt like a crow among sparrows. Puffed up, conspicuous and different. I was seized by the childish desire to hide behind Connor, but at the same time I knew that he must have felt the same way when he had been among "my people" for the first time. Now it was the other way around. He was the familiar face, I was the weird stranger who stuck out like a sore thumb.
I followed Connor and his mother to one of the longhouses where Kaniehtí:io disappeared in, after she had told us to wait outside. I kept my eyes down, felt like the intruder I was when I met one distrustful gaze anyway. That Connor was by my side only gave me a little confidence because he was also tensed. His eyes uneasily slid over the environment and I got the feeling that he didn't feel comfortable in his own skin. But it didn't surprise me after the conversation with his mother. I only wished he could enjoy being here again.
It took a whole while until Connor's mother left the longhouse again, but only to ask her son to come inside and only him. He gave me an apologetic, but also concerned gaze whereupon I forced myself to smile reassuringly. I disliked the thought of staying behind, but he shouldn't worry about me. I guessed that the upcoming conversation wasn't going to be an easy one and I wasn't wrong. When Connor stepped out of the longhouse after only a few minutes, I saw his suppressed anger again, but he tried to hide it after he had taken a deep breath and beckoned me over.
"I want to introduce you to her", he just said and didn't give me the opportunity to ask further questions. He pushed me into the longhouse which was filled with a dark twilight because of the vanishing daylight and the two fireplaces inside the house. But still I quickly saw that it was empty, except of Kaniehtí:io and an old woman. They sat next to each other by the fireplace close to the entrance we used and looked at us with serious faces. Connor pointed at the old woman, who radiated a remarkable authority despite her fragile appearance.
"This is Oiá:ner, our clan mother. It is on her to decide who is allowed to stay and who is not."
And with that he meant me. I swallowed the lump in my throat and bowed my head in respect, hoping that this gesture served the purpose and wasn't misinterpreted. But there was no reaction at first. She only looked me over and I felt more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. If this was about my stay, what could I do to affect the decision?
I gave Connor an helpless gaze, but he had turned all his attention to Oiá:ner.
»Please believe me. She is no danger and she will be no burden to us. I will be fully responsible for her«
»This does not change who she is«, the clan mother replied in a totally objective tone. »We have decided to let no outsider into our village. Not as long as Washington is in power. Maybe she is not a threat, but her people are. Now that your mother and you disobeyed my orders and endangered us all with interfering in the villagers businesses, we have to protect ourselves more than ever. If I allow her to stay, I will allow doubt about our safety and community to grow among our people«
»But she has no one left out there. There is no one who would guess that she is here. Does my word mean nothing?«
»Not as long as your mind is clouded by feelings. Your mother already made this mistake which you seem to repeat. She does not belong here and she will only cause distrust«
Connor huffed and earned a warning gaze from his mother. But he ignored it. »You cannot compare her with my father«
»Maybe not« The clan mother's voice was still calm, unimpressed by Connor's reaction. »But I make no differences in time like these. She belongs to those who are threatening us and as such I do not tolerate her in our village. She is not allowed to stay and this is my last word, Ratonhnhaké:ton«
An oppressive silence spread inside the longhouse, only interrupted by the cracking wood in the fire. I didn't know what had been said, but the other's behaviour alone and especially Connor's posture showed me that this conversation hadn't ended in my favour. He frowned deeply and I saw anger sparkling in his eyes as he looked at his mother, who only shook her head. Then he took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and looked at Oiá:ner again, who returned his gaze entirely calmly.
»If this is the case«, he began. »I will not stay either«
It was silent again, but now there was disbelief in Kaniehtí:io's face and I saw that she wanted to leap up, but the clan mother laid a hand on her arm.
»I will not forbid you to go, Ratonhnhaké:ton«, she said. »But you need to be aware that you will not longer have the protection of the village and that I will not allow you to return. Unless you change your mind. If you come to your senses, we will welcome you. But not her«
»I accept that. As long as Lillian is not allowed to stay, I will not stay either and I am not going to change this decision«
