To Mohawk Woman: Well, now I'm curious to know what you're thinking. ^^ I always find it interesting to know about the readers' theories about my stories. But I'm glad you still like reading this one. :) Thank you.


58.

Desperation and determination

Desperation. This was what I felt when I just stood there and looked at Connor who was holding his dead mother in his arms. It was the desperation I had seen in his face but now he had lowered his head so that I couldn't see it anymore. I hadn't known Ziio and I probably hadn't had the chance to get to know her. That she had died had been one of the first things I had learned about her from Connor. But to see now that this terrible event, that was still causing him nightmares, happened again made me feel the same pain, as if I was the one who experienced this loss. If I could, I would undo everything to spare Connor the experience of losing his mother again. I could only imagine the agony he must feel, but there was nothing I could do for him. Entirely helpless I ran my hands over my cheeks to wipe away the tears that were unstoppably cleaving a way. Slowly I stepped to Connor and kneeled down next to him. One hand on his arm, I didn't only see him trembling, now I felt it. His whole body was tensed as if it was tearing him apart and his breathing was heavy.

"I should have done something", I heard him say quietly. "I should have been here and protect her. I could have done it. This time I could have done it but I was too late again."

It broke my heart to hear him speaking and to see him like this. I believed to understand what he wanted to say. When his mother had died in our reality, he had been a child. He had tried to safe her but had been too weak. He hadn't been able to but if he had been there this time, it would have been possible. I didn't care that he had said he wouldn't regret the decision to leave the village. Now I couldn't imagine that he still didn't.

"Connor, I am so sorry", I whispered, but Connor showed no reaction. He just sat there, holding Ziio in his arms and was silent. Slowly I pulled my hand back and folded her with my other in my lap. I didn't know how long we were sitting there while the village became more and more silent. Oppressively silent. Nobody ran around, the fires were extinguished, the dead were separated from the enemies. Only occasionally I heard sobs and crying, but beside this it was as if a thick, dark shroud had covered the village. A shroud of grief and although I still hadn't anything to do with this community that had been so terribly disturbed in its peace, I shared their pain and I didn't care if they had welcomed me or not. They were Connor's family and his pain would always be mine. Furthermore, nobody deserved such a fate, such a cruelty.

When steps sounded behind us, Connor and I raised our heads. It was the clan-mother who approached us, supported by her lavishly decorated staff. I couldn't read in her face what had just happened to her people. It was expressionless when she also looked at the dead Ziio.

»It was her fault«, she started and looked at Connor now. »It was her fault, as well as yours. The bluecoats would not have attacked us if you had not intervened in their businesses. I always said it but you refused to listen and now you brought misfortune upon us«

Connor gulped about her words but he frowned deeply when reluctance appeared in his eyes. »They would have attacked us sooner or later anyway. When they had desired our land at the latest«

»You cannot know it«, Oiá:ner replied coldly. »You provoked them and that was why they attacked us. We were lucky in the hour of misfortune that your brothers stroke them back. But I will not bring us the dead back, nor our peace«

Connor, who had looked at the clan-mother the whole time, lowered his eyes back to his mother. I saw him struggling inwardly and wished to be able to understand his native tongue. The tone of both and their reactions proved that their conversation wasn't of friendly nature and in the face of Arnold's threat, I could draw my own conclusions and wanted to support Connor in this conversation. But I could only sit there, silent like a fish. Probably it was better this way. Oiá:ner had also a clear opinion about me after all.

»I am sorry that all of this happened«, Connor finally said. »You know that we would have never endangered the village willingly«

»It does not matter if you did it willingly or out of stupidity« The clan-mother made took a few steps towards Connor and the cold expression in her face disappeared and became almost understanding. »You suffered a great loss, Ratonhnhaké:ton and you can be assured that we will take care of your mother. But it would be better if you leave. Everybody is still disturbed and her presence« Her gaze shortly moved to me. »does not help«

Connor's lips pressed together as his grip around his mother tightened once again, as if he feared she could be taken away from him. He looked down at Ziio's motionless face and he raised a hand to gently stroke her hair. »I understand«, he murmured but didn't move. It was as if he just faded the clan-mother and me out. Only after a short while, he carefully loosened his arms around Ziio and gently laid her onto the ground, as if he was bedding her on a soft pillow. Carefully he moved his hands to the back of her neck and loosened the knot of her necklace to take it off her. »She wanted me to take it«, he explained without looking at the clan-mother when he stood up.

»You deserve it then«, she simply replied and Connor indicated to me, that I should stand up and come with him. When he passed Oiá:ner, he stopped once again and looked at her with a serious determination in his eyes. »I will end this«, he said. »I will let them pay, I swear«

»I am sure you would find a way to make up for your mistakes. But you should not take more burdens upon you than you are able to bear, Ratonhnhaké:ton. Whatever you want to do: Be careful«

Connor nodded shortly. »Take care of you, too« With these words, he finally turned away and I followed him.

Again we crossed the village together, heading to leave it and I hardly dared to look around. It was still eerily silent and the sight of the dead bluecoats along the way was enough, as well as the scent of smoke, blood and death. I could have been relieved as we left the palisade behind and went into the forest which was entirely peaceful again. The smoke had disappeared, the animals had returned and everything was normal again. Nothing showed the horror that had happened behind the wooden wall around the village and neither it showed what Connor was leaving behind once again. His village, his mother... I glanced at him from the side and saw the hardness of his face which I hadn't expected and which I didn't know to interpret either.

"What did your clan mother say?", I asked quietly and carefully and he didn't even look at me when he answered.

"She founds my mother and me guilty for the attack because we helped the settlers. She wanted us to go to not antagonize the others."

I gulped when I remembered the old woman's cold expression, when she had started the conversation. Yes, Connor had drawn Arnold's attention to himself and his people, but in my eyes it wasn't fair to blame him for the death of so many men. What he had done had saved the life of many others, even children. He had wanted to do something good, not to harm anybody. He had been able to know what would happen. Neither had Ziio, who couldn't and shouldn't be blamed for anything. It hurt me that Connor had been exposed to such reproaches after his loss. Especially to another banishment from his village. He didn't deserve it. Nobody did. I fought against the tears which were almost overwhelming me. I didn't want to cry because I wasn't the one who had suffered this injustice. But I felt helpless, also when we finally reached the cabin and I motionlessly watched Connor packing our few belongings, except of my old dress and wrapping them into the furs. I didn't even know what he had planned to do now while he did all of this with a stoic calmness. He only faltered when he shouldered the bundle and turned around to me. His face lost its hardness and I saw him frown, before dropping the bundle and crossing the short distance to me. Only when he put his hands on my cheeks, I felt that I had lost the fight against the tears.

"Please, do not cry, Lillian", he whispered. "Please do not cry."

But it was already too late. A loud sob escaped my lips and made my shoulders twitch violently.

"I'm sorry", I uttered in a stifled voice. "I'm so sorry for everything. What happened...with your village and your mother. All of this shouldn't have happened. It's terrible and wrong. I wished...I wished you wouldn't have..."I paused and then it broke out of me. Everything that had accumulated inside of me over the last two days since all of this had begun, overwhelmed me. The fear of the unknown and the violence I had seen, in the village after my awakening and today in Connor's village. The help- and cluelessness, not to know what was happening and the resulting wish that all of this ended. That everything became like it used to be. That we returned "home". To Emily and Caleb... I wasn't able to keep on talking because everything that came over my lips was sobbing and crying. One single crying fit seized me and gave me no chance to calm down, no matter how much I wanted it. Through the veil of tears, through which I tried to look at Connor, I could see that he appeared helpless, too. Not as determined as before. He took my hands from my face and gently pulled me inside the cabin by my wrists, sat down onto the ground and pulled me beside him, because my legs had begun to shake like the rest of my body. As if I was Emily he had to comfort, he pulled me sideway onto his lap, bedded my head on his chest and just held me, while I cried everything off my soul that burdened it. I didn't even fight against it, although I had the feeling that I should be the one to comfort Connor, but it felt good that he was holding me. That he was giving me the feeling of comfort and safety, which I now needed more than ever. He was the only constant in this chaos. His presence wrapped me like a protecting cocoon and made me calm down. The unrestrained crying eventually became a quiet sobbing, which faded away, too, until my tears were running silently, expect of my shaky breath, over my cheeks.

"I am sorry", I finally repeated my words from before. "I am sorry that you had to go through all of this again. That your mother..." I had to bite my bottom lip as my voice wanted to slip away again. But what I had said until now seemed to be enough for Connor. He pulled me tighter against his chest and I heard the vibration in his chest when he said in a quiet voice: "There is nothing you have to be sorry for. Everything is fine."

Fine? Unbelieving I raised my head from his chest to look at him. "You just found your village in ashes. You saw that your people were slaughtered and that your mother was killed. Nothing is fine about that."

For a short moment, Connor pressed his lips together, so firmly that they were only a pale line and his gaze slid into the void, before he looked at me again.

"I do not want you to misunderstand it. All of this is terrible. It hurts. But...it is not unknown to me." He paused and licked his lips, as if it would make it easier to talk if he moistened them. "It may sound strange, but what happened today, already happened to me years ago. It certainly hurts, but I already learned to deal with it as well as I learned to deal with my mother's death. She may have died today and I would have done everything to protect her but...she is already dead. For many years and this thought is not unknown to me and because of this reason I do not want to mourn her loss any longer and any more than I am already doing for years. I could see her again, could learn that she accepts you and wishes a future for us. All of this is incredible precious to me and I know that she would want me to look ahead and I already know what I have to do next." He put a hand on my cheek and smiled faintly. "So please do not mourn for me. There is no reason for it. We need to look ahead."

At first it was difficult to understand his words, because his loss was simply paramount in my eyes. But the longer I thought about it and the longer I saw this determination in his eyes, the more I understood him. He hadn't and never was going to be coping up with his mother's death, but he had learned to live with it. Like I had accepted the death of my parents. I had seen the pain he was talking about but I understood that he didn't want it to stop him. That he wanted to continue what he had started many years ago: To go his own way. I didn't know if I had the strength if this was about my parents, but I felt admiration and pride for him and managed it to smile back and to nod.

"Fine", I whispered and Connor took a deep breath, as if a burden was falling off his shoulders as he leaned his forehead against mine.

For a Moment, we sat there like this and I felt my sadness disappear more and more. It would never leave entirely, but I felt better. More hopeful since I had seen this Determination in Connor's face. It gave me the Courage to believe that we were going to find a way to leave the tragedy behind us and to return home.

"But what do you want to do now?", I asked. "Where shall we go?" I nodded at the bundle and Connor's gaze became more serious as he followed my hint with his eyes.

"We will search for Arnold and I will finish him. I will make him pay for my People and all the villagers who died because of him and then we will find Washington. He is the key if we want to get home." He spoke so clearly and determined that there as hardly a Chance to doubt his words. Bus especially the part about Arnold made my blood freeze in my veins.

"Arnold isn't alone", I uttered. "You are! How do you want to come Close enough to kill him? Not to mention how you want to find him."

"I do not know yet. But he is not the first Person I have to find and who has no soldiers around him." He looked deeply into my eyes and this time his Determination made me shiver. "Trust me, Lillian. I have to do this. Not for me but for everyone who was ever harmed by Arnold and he will not stop before he is stopped himself."

Slowly I shook my head although I knew that he wasn't entirely wrong. "But it's dangerous. It's suicide", I whispered and a faint smile flitted across Connor's face as he ran his hand over my cheek.

"It always is, is it not?"

We had chosen Davenport for our first determination. The only place that came into our minds, although we couldn't know what was awaiting us there since Connor obviously had never met Achilles and hadn't been able to help him making the homestead grow. But Connor hoped to get better weapons before searching for Arnold. Furthermore, it was going to take a two days journey through the frontier before we reached Davenport and maybe we would find some hints on our way there that could help Connor find him. Eventually hours had passed after we had left the Kanien'kehá:ka valley and Connor hadn't looked back once. Determined he had led me away and we always made short breaks while following the paths which led through the forest, over open meadows and occasionally through small settlements which were all lifeless, no matter if inhabited or not. The people did their works as if they were steered by invisible strings, their faces entirely expressionless. They didn't even pay attention to us when we passed them. You could feel their fear of what could happen to them. We saw this something in the uninhabited villages. Destroyed and plundered houses, rubble on the streets and dead animals on the meadows, enjoyed by scavengers. There was no sign of life, but neither there were human bodies which I wanted to take as a good sign. A sign that the villagers had made it to escape the bluecoats' cruelty. It seemed to be the only possible positive thought in this desolate and hopeless environment. When evening set, we had left such an uninhabited village behind us and had head into the forest to search for a place for the night. This time we couldn't enjoy the comfort of a cabin and above all, it looked like it was going to rain again. But we would have found it wrong to make ourselves comfortable in one of the abandoned houses whose owners had been driven away before. So we stopped by a small plateau that rose in front of us, overgrown by grass and trees and was offering at least some protection from the cold wind that was rustling through the thicket from time to time. We laid our furs onto an almost, ignited a camp fire and ate the rests of the rabbits Connor had caught during the day and which we had already cooked. We rarely talked to each other, but I didn't mind. There was nothing we could talk about anyway. Everything had been said and nobody of us wanted to further talk about what we had experienced today. I tried not to think about it either when we made ourselves comfortable on our makeshift bed. Connor pulled me against his warm body and assured me that I could sleep. But I couldn't stop my thoughts from circling around what could be ahead of us. Could Connor find Arnold and punish him? Could we get to Washington and find a way to return home? Did this way home exist anyway?

All these questions troubled and scared me, but when I put my lips into the crook of Connor's neck for a short kiss and he reacted with a gentle caressing of my side, I tried to talk myself into thinking that we would solve everything somehow and leave it behind us. Together, like we had overcome everything until now. I was successful for the moment and fell asleep, but this sleep was troubled and only short-lived. I woke up as soon as Connor's warm and protecting body beside me had disappeared and I shivered as a cold breeze got through the fur that covered me. I sat up, only to notice that Connor had carelessly thrown the fur aside when he had stood up. He must have been in a hurry and with rising fear, I tried to see something in the darkness around me. The only source of light was the camp fire, whose ashes were only glowing faintly, but my eyes got more and more used to these conditions so that I could see a kneeling shadow, only a few steps away from me.

"Connor?", I asked hesitantly and the shadow reached a hand out into my direction and hissed with Connor's voice: "Be quiet. Stay where you are."

I followed this order without asking questions, but my heart beat painfully fast in my chest. I tried to see what had alarmed Connor. Maybe a wild animal or a troop of bluecoats? I couldn't see anything and only heard the rustling of leaves beside the occasional screams of an owl and the constant dripping of the rain which could hardly get through the thick tree tops above us and still everything was already soaked by a damp wetness. It felt like an eternity while I didn't dare to move or to turn my eyes away from Connor, who remained in his own posture himself. The uncertainty and fear tortured me and my heart almost stopped as Connor finally moved to grab his bow in a single fluid motion, put an arrow on the string and trained its tip at a spot in the thicket opposite to our camp. Now I could hear the rustling coming from there. Something was approaching us. Something big. Something…with a rifle. At first it was only the shadow of a single man, training his long weapon at Connor, while he approached us with slow, careful steps.

"What's faster? Your arrow or my bullet?", I heard his deep, hoarse voice as he finally stopped. Now it was at least visible that he was wearing an ankle-length, wide coat and a wide-brimmed hat. I couldn't see more from his appearance but my whole attention was lying on his rifle anyway and it was still trained at Connor, who kept his bow up as well.

"If I were you, I would not test it", he growled and I heard the stranger chuckle. Full of uneasiness, I crawled to Connor whereupon the rifle's barrel switched to me and I regretted immediately that I had moved.

"Who is this?", the man growled alarmed and I froze like a deer that had smelled a hunter.

"My wife", was Connor's cold answer while he didn't turn his eyes away from the man. "She is unarmed so there is no reason to threaten her."

The rifle was still trained at me. "Are you alone?"

"Yes." I saw how Connor pulled the string further back. "You can stop aiming at her. Now."

The stranger didn't react at first, but then he lowered the rifle and I couldn't help but took a breath of relief. Connor stopped aiming at the man, too, but kept his bow and arrow ready in his hands while watching the man, who made a step backwards to the thicket.

"As I can see, you don't have much with you. You're also on the run, right?"

Also? My gaze slid to Connor, who stood up and came to me to take a protecting position in front of me which made me stand up and glancing over his shoulder to the stranger.

"What do you mean with 'also'?", Connor asked my silent question and after short hesitation, the man pointed behind himself into the forest.

"I've set a camp not far from here. With my wife and our four children. We had to leave our house a week ago after the bluecoats destroyed the village close to us. I'm a hunter, you know and so we lived distant enough to leave without getting caught."

Connor finally loosened the strain of the string when we heard this. The man's voice sounded honest and also concerned , but it seemed like we were both unsure if we could trust him anyway.

"Almost the same thing happened to us", Connor said. "And you said your camp is in the forest?"

The man nodded. "On a small clearing. We built a tent with a large tarp. I…", he hesitated and raised a hand to scratch the back of his head. "I guess there is still enough space. You can come with me…if you want. It isn't warmer but certainly dryer than your current place to sleep."

Connor and I shared a silent look about this unexpected offer. The hunter seemed trustworthy, but how should we know if we weren't wrong about it? He could be one of the bluecoats who wanted to lead us into a trap. But is invitation, as long as it was honest, was a chance to learn more about Arnold and the situation under Washington's rule.

"Maybe we should go with him at least", I whispered to Connor. "If we're getting a bad feeling on the way…"

Connor nodded slowly and pointed at our camp. "Pack the things together, I will keep an eye on him."

I did like I was told and in the meantime, it became entirely silent. The man seemed to watch each other until I shouldered the bundle of tied furs and returned to Connor. The stranger simply nodded shortly and indicated to us, that we should follow him and we did. Into the darkness of the thicket which was only interrupted a few minutes later by a camp fire in front of us. Soon I saw the large tarp of a tent that was stretched between the trees and I heard the quiet crying of a baby. There was no ambush of the bluecoats here. He hadn't lied to us.