And now we're back to Taija after the small diversions in the last few chapters.
Chapter LXXVII - An Unexpected Visitor
Taija was sitting on Tel's lap, leaning against him as the two of them watched the sunset together. It had been the perfect evening, spending time with the man she loved. She could forget anything bad had ever happened and now they were just talking. His arms were round her, his hands leaving red prints on the white of her blouse.
Another day gone, spent rebuilding the Hall of Servants, working together to bring back the best parts of her time. Together and happy, just the way they were meant to be. Still, it was getting dark, a bit chilly.
Taija twisted in his lap to place a kiss on his cheek and whispered in his ear, "it's getting late, let's head back."
Tel's eyes meet hers as she leant away and no words were necessary. Taija was deposited back onto her feet and they both headed back to their house. There was no need to hurry, they had all the time in the world. Tel reached down and enveloped Taija's hand in his, giving it a little squeeze. A body swung from a nearby tree.
"I love you Tel."
In no time at all they were inside and then there was no time to waste. Taija's hands were round his neck, going on tiptoes to press her lips to his, mould her body against him. The myrddraal were watching through the window.
As they kissed, Tel's hands were eagerly moving up her sides to start undoing her blouse. He'd gotten it open before Taija pulled away, biting her bottom lip, ready to shrug it off and get to work on his clothes. She trailed her eyes up his body, enjoying the way he filled out his shirt and breeches in all the right places, under the bed a child whimpered in fear.
Taija kept moving up with her gaze, ready to enjoy the hunger in his eyes, the way his loving smile brought his handsomeness together into the perfect combination.
Only, there was nothing there. No smile, no hunger, just hate and grim, downturned lips. She took a step back and the scar, that hideous scar, started to inch its way up his face, coming down across his nose until it twisted his lips into a parody of a smile.
"No!" Taija shook her head in denial.
"Oh yes!" He showed his teeth and took a step towards her. "Did you really think I could change? I fooled you once and you were stupid enough to let me come back. How blind can you be? How many more times will it be before you learn? How many more people will you let me kill?"
He stared to reach for Taija and she staggered backwards until she felt the cold wall behind you.
"No! You came back, this is wrong. This isn't you!"
"I was always like this Taija, you were just too stupid to realise and now I'm going to teach you all about me."
His hand gripped her hair, pulling it tight.
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With a shriek Taija woke up, panting for breath. Her blankets were on the floor where she must have kicked them. Thank the Light she had this building to herself for now.
Another nightmare.
With a sigh Taija reached down and tugged a blanket back over herself before pulling a pillow tight against her chest and curling up around it. She wasn't an idiot, she knew why she was having these nightmares. On some level she was still terrified that he was going to turn around and betray her if she give him any leeway at all. Of course she was! How could she not be? It wasn't wrong of her to be scared of that. It wasn't.
He was doing everything right. He was working even harder than Taija was and she wouldn't have a hope of having this place running the way it was without him supporting her. If it was anyone else she'd be throwing herself at their feet in gratitude. Instead her sub-conscious was screaming in fear while her conscious was telling her it was the least he could fucking do.
Taija was stuck in this position and it was her own stupid fault. At any time she could have said no, but it was always yes. Taija the idiot lady who said yes.
Tel seemed to be having a better time at least. He'd really thrown himself into this. Taija would be lost without him, however much it pained her to admit it. Administration, leadership, getting ready for a war, she didn't want to be doing any of it. She just wanted to be back in her office in Jalanda working on a research project.
That dream died over 3,000 years ago. Tel and his friends helped kill it.
Taija saw him laughing with some of the new initiates yesterday. She should have been there, laughing with him, for a moment she'd wished she was. But then she'd remembered, he ruined it. Yet if he hadn't ruined it he'd just be dead and she'd still be alone. Every path was the same. Empty and alone.
With a sigh Taija decided she wasn't going to be getting back to sleep and it was time to get up and stop trying to avoid her job. At least it was something she really did believe in.
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Tel looked the group of men over again. By any reasonable assessment, they were a bit of a sorry bunch, most of them had only been at the Hall for a couple of weeks, the longest was a month. Some of them looked half starved even with the regular meals provided by the Hall.
Less than half of them could even seize saidin yet. However, they were a start. A very surprising one by all accounts. Who would have thought that there would be so many men who could learn to channel, popping up straight after Rand's announcement? He really did bend the pattern to his needs.
Saidin suddenly flowed through Damer Flinn, a leathery old veteran. For a moment his eyes filled with both wonder and fear before he lost the Power again. Excellent, another!
With a smile Tel came over and clapped him on the back, "well done Damer, everyone will be drinking to your name tonight! The first time is always the hardest and now that you've done that it's just a matter of practice. Next time see if you can hold it for ten seconds." He stepped back. "Alright now, everyone, with me. Visualise the flame in your minds."
It had been a bit of a surprise really, but he was actually enjoying himself. Teaching these people, from greying old men like Damer to beardless youths barely out of their teens. It was… nice. Actually, it was fun too. He felt like he was truly enjoying himself for the first time since… well since Taija.
There was no need to be seeking promotion or glory, he could do this and serve the Light quietly just like he had promised himself. It was an odd realisation, but maybe this could be his future. He'd certainly enjoy it more than retiring to a farm. That would be a better way to spend his life. Punishing himself was all very well, he deserved it, but making a difference was more important. Better to devote his life to rebuilding the best parts of the things he had helped destroy.
Of course he was helping Taija any way he could too. She was run off her feet trying to keep everything organised and he knew she hated it, but she refused to ask him for help. Understandably. So he had to be discrete about what he did. A word here or there. Supply schedules filed and dealt with. Minor matters disappearing before they reached her. Whatever she needed he'd be there for her and since part of what she needed was for him not to force his presence on her, he'd do his best to accommodate that too.
What Taija really needed though was something that was her own. She'd been pushed into this, but if she could find something that was truly hers, it would help her with everything else. Something she was passionate about…
He hadn't lied when he said his greatest desire was to see her happy again. He'd been talking to Rand about that and, if everything worked out, hopefully he'd have something for her soon.
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Taija resisted the urge to kick Taim. To kick him again and again until he stopped smirking at her.
"You will not strike an initiate with or without the Power again. We don't practice corporal punishment here and even if we did you don't have the authority to impose it."
That smirk just deepened slightly and his eyes roved up and down her body. "As you say Taija. You've made your wishes clear on this, although why Tel sedai allows you to coddle the men with your weakness I do not know."
"Firstly, Tel sedai isn't in charge here. I am. Secondly, he is in full agreement with me on this."
"Of course he is." Taim's tone said the exact opposite.
Fortunately, before she could say anything too intemperate, Taija was distracted by the sound of raised voices. She shot him a hostile look. "We'll discuss this later."
Taim gave her a mocking bow before Taija spun on her heel and headed towards the voices, as did most of the initiates, Taim ambling behind them.
The source quickly became clear. Two women on horses followed by a couple of wagonloads of younger women and girls, coming into the Hall's grounds. Various workmen and initiates had stopped to stare and Taija spotted Tel heading over too.
As she headed towards them she recognised one of the women on horseback as Cadsuane. The green dress and iron grey bun were easily recognisable even from a distance. The other was… Bennae!
Taija didn't run over to see her. She was too conscious of Taim smirking his way along behind her, but she did quicken her step.
"Bennae! Cadsuane. Welcome! What brings you here?" Cadsuane did turn out not to be that bad, but most of Taija's welcome was still for her friend. After what Cadsuane had said about the White Tower Taija hadn't been able to help but worry about her.
As Bennae dismounted Taija gave her a tight hug. No aes sedai dignity for her. Cadsuane she gave a polite bow to before turning back to her friend and looking her over more carefully.
"I thought you were in the White Tower? What happened? Are you alright?" She'd better be.
Bennae smiled, thankfully not minding her hug. "Taija dear. I see you have moved up in the world from being Lady Alfreda. I am fine, after Cadsuane's rather brash exit from the Tower I got into a little bit of a pickle with the Black Ajah and so I thought it might be time to move on, even if I am rather too old for adventures now. Still, I decided that I should bring some of the girls with me. Young women can always do with having their horizons broadened and sometimes the Tower's can be a little narrow. When I heard about your little project here I thought I would come and see it before I moved on."
There must have been more of a story behind that. Presumably she'd head on to Siuan's village after seeing Taia, but Taija was so happy that she had dropped by. Just the antidote that she needed to her bad mood.
"Well I'm delighted you've come Bennae. We don't have much in the way of luxuries, but you're welcome to stay as long as you want. You and your companions."
"Oh yes, you are in charge here. How silly of me to forget, should I be calling you mother now?"
"Don't be ridiculous." Taim's voice drew Taija's attention from Bennae before she could counter her teasing.
"So you're the famous Cadsuane Melaidhrin. I heard you helped them capture me. You don't look like much."
For fuck's sake. Taija raised her voice. "Will you pl…"
She was cut off by Cadsuane, "Perhaps I did, but I can assure you, if I had been there afterwards then you certainly would not have escaped boy." Half the bloody initiates in the Hall seemed to be watching by that point.
"Heh," Taim turned away from her contemptuously. "Words in the wind. What about you," he focused on Bennae, "are you here to sneer at us taking our rightful place in the world again too?"
"Taim!" Taija's voice was as sharp as she could make it. She noticed Tel watching from among the initiates.
"What? I should be polite to the aes sedai? They're not your aes sedai and neither am I. I will serve the Lord Dragon loyally, but I have no interest in dancing to the tune of those weaker than me. Those who tried to gentle me!" The mocking tone of Taim's voice now carried an undercurrent of hate.
"You should watch your words boy." Cadusane embraced the Power and a moment later so did Bennae. No doubt Taim would now be feeling the goosebumps. "If you do not, then perhaps you will be reminded why the wise show respect to aes sedai."
Taija glanced back at the initiates who were watching wide eyed, men and women. "Taim, stop it!"
"No, I don't think I will. You can teach your women. Your pathetic little ideas to go with their meagre strength. I, on the other hand, am going to build something great for the Dragon. Something that will keep him and men like us safe from the meddling hands of aes sedai. You have your women, leave the men to me and Tel sedai, the people who can actually handle them!" He was practically spitting with rage by then.
Tel stepped forward, looking like he was about to say something. Probably something angry judging by the look in his eyes, but Taija needed to deal with this. Taim had been undermining her authority since he got to the Hall. She needed to get this under control.
If Taim kept going the way he had been, she was going to end up being nothing more than a figurehead while he ran the show with Tel. Ok, that was unfair to Tel. She might not want to give him any credit, but he was on the same page as her philosophically. Now anyway. And he'd supported her without hesitation. Still if she let this go her authority would be fatally undermined.
Taija met Tel's eyes and he stepped back again understanding immediately. Much as it pained her to admit it, he really was supporting her however he could. Then she turned her gaze on Taim with rising anger.
She was going to explain to everyone why Taim's behaviour was wrong for anyone who aspired to be aes sedai. Power wasn't the goal, service was and Taim was spitting on that. Real aes sedai used words and logic to win arguments.
But first Taija was going to beat the shit out of him in as humiliating a way as she could. She'd been very stressed recently and he'd just volunteered to be her stressball. He'd be more receptive to her words and logic after she'd left him in a battered heap on the ground.
