It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all
Everything seemed too silent, although we were still in a camp full of men. But their voices had turned into background noises, as well as the cracking of the fire we were sitting at. They had given us blankets, something warm to eat, and a hot tea to get rid of the cold. It felt good to have something warm in my stomach, driving out the cold from the inside. Although the wet clothes were still unpleasantly sticking to my skin, I started to feel better. At least physically. My thoughts were with Kanen'tó:kon who was still lying in the tent, only a few feet away and was treated by Logan. The doctor had spent quite some time with him by now and the only thing he had been able to tell us was, that Kanen'tó:kon's wound wasn't a cut but a stab wound. He must have suffered it during the fight against the bluecoat that had attacked me. This, besides my concerns for his life, was everything I had to think of now. I had distracted the soldier who had wanted to shoot at him and had probably saved his life. But what was it worth, if Kanen'tó:kon died because he had wanted to save me?
I raised my eyes from the steaming cup in my hands and looked at Ratonhnhaké:ton, who was sitting beside me almost motionlessly. His legs crossed, his arms propped up on his knees, and kneading his hands, he kept looking at the tent Kanen'tó:kon was in. His face seemed like stone and until now, he had hardly touched the food or tea. I was tempted to talk to him about it. To ask him to warm up and gather his strength, but I remained silent. The last thing he needed was a broody hen mothering him.
I looked back at my cup and blew gently into the rising steam, breathing in its herbal scent and watching it curl in the cold air and vanish. My eyes followed its way up to the treetops and searched for the sun, but it was hiding behind thick clouds. How late was it? We had left the Aquila in the early morning but how long has it been? Now it must be midday or early afternoon. The past few days had rushed by, so much had happened. But how many days were going to come like this and what was expecting us? By now, I feared it more than ever, because so many unexpected things had happened.
From the corners of my eyes, I noticed someone coming from Kanen'tó:kon's tent and heading for us. Expecting it was Logan, I looked up but it was Haytham. He was wearing the coat he must have picked up from the street where the soldier had dropped it. The heavy, grey fabric hit the legs of his boots in the rhythm of his steps, until he stopped by the fire, grabbed an unused cup, and filled it with tea.
"I arranged a tent close by is prepared for you. I thought it would be to your liking", he said without looking up. Only when he raised the cup to his lips and took the first sip, he looked at Ratonhnhaké:ton and then at me. "Ask for Wilden, he will give you sleeping mats and blankets for the night."
I nodded. "Thank you."
Haytham nodded as well, grabbed his cup with both hands, and turned to leave, as Ratonhnhaké:ton sat up.
"Father."
Haytham stopped and slowly turned around, whereupon Ratonhnhaké:ton stood up and approached him. I watched him in surprise because I hadn't expected him to talk to his father at all. Until now, both of them had only exchanged the most necessary words and it was visible that there was a certain tension between them, and from Ratonhnhaké:ton's point of view, it was only understandable. But we didn't know what this Haytham knew about his son at all, o if they had met already. But right now, it didn't seem important because it was obvious, that Haytham knew who Ratonhnhaké:ton was.
He had stopped and for a moment, it seemed like they would just look each other over, until Ratonhnhaké:ton began to speak.
"I wanted to thank you. For helping and protecting Lillian and saving her life. We both owe you our gratitude."
I blinked in surprise. This wasn't what I had expected although I should have thanked him already. Now Ratonhnhaké:ton had spoken for me and I was even more surprised as he reached out his hand. A rare gesture in general. Haytham looked at his son's hand for a moment and I would have liked to know, what he was thinking. His expression wasn't telling anything but finally, he looked at Ratonhnhaké:ton and shook his head, holding his hand flat over the one offered to him. He wouldn't take it.
"You don't owe me anything. We fight together and as long as you are here, you belong to us. I protected her the same way I would protect any of these men", he said and I saw Ratonhnhaké:ton pulling his hand back. "Apart from that, it should be everybody's duty to protect someone defenseless. So you don't owe me anything. If you think so, you should fight for us, if necessary. We need every capable man."
This said, Haytham turned away from Ratonhnhaké:ton, took a few steps, and stopped again to turn around and say: "We will speak about how to continue as soon as Jefferson is back. Until then, you should care for Kanen'tó:kon. Losing him would be a great loss for our cause."
Jefferson. A name I had heard several times before since we had reached the camp and he seemed to be one of the commanding men. Men like Haytham. I watched him leaving and finally disappearing between the trees and tents. Obviously, he was as cold and calculated as I had thought him to be. But to be honest, I hadn't expected any sentimentalism about Ratonhnhaké:ton's gratitude. I believed Haytham that there were only rational reasons for his aid in New York and that he hadn't shot the bluecoat because he had wanted to rescue his new-found daughter-in-law. I highly doubted that such feelings were important to him and somehow I was glad about it. After everything I knew about Haytham, I wanted him to remain this person in the shadows he had always been to me. A person I had no clear opinion and could judge about. Not judging him had always helped me understand what had happened between him and Ratonhnhaké:ton. Even though "understand" was the wrong way to put it.
Ratonhnhaké:ton had returned to the fire by now and I looked him over, as he sat down beside me. Once again he hid far too well what was going on inside of him, even though showing his gratitude had certainly been more than a simple gesture. Approaching his father like that must have meant something. The sentimentalism Haytham hadn't shown?
"It was right to thank him", I said, not knowing what I was aiming for. But Ratonhnhaké:ton nodded and turned his eyes to where his father had disappeared.
"I did not expect anything else but I wanted him to know that I am grateful. Maybe it was a matter of course to him, but it is not to me. You could have been killed if it was not for him and if I had not been there."
Yes, I could have. So this was what all of this had been about? Me? The words on my mind were running in circles and I tried to form sentences out of them but they vanished in chaos. I just didn't know what to say. Maybe because there was nothing left to say. So I just reached out my hand to grab his, which was resting on his knees again. His reaction was gentle pressure, confirming my thoughts.
We sat like this in silence and waited for news from Logan. It felt like an eternity since we had left him alone with Kanen'tó:kon but finally it came the time that he left the tent and came to us. I had hardly noticed him when Ratonhnhaké:ton stood up and met him halfway.
"How is he?", he asked, hardly able to hide his tension. I had stood up, too, and slowly stepped towards the men, only looking at Logan's face, whose expression robbed me of the last bit of hope.
"Not well", he said. "I tried to stop the bleeding, but the wound is too deep. I can't tell if any organs or blood vessels are affected and if there is internal bleeding as well."
"What does it mean?"
"That there is nothing I can do for him right now. I did everything I could to treat the wound but we will have to wait until the bleeding stops."
"And if it does not?" It was a rhetorical question. I knew it as well as Ratonhnhaké:ton who had asked it. I knew nothing about medicine but Logan's answer still wasn't unexpected.
"Unfortunately there is nothing more I can do for him. Honestly, it would be a miracle if he made it through the night."
Hours later, Logan's words were still echoing through my head. They scared me. I didn't know Kanen'tó:kon for long, but he had always been like a friend to me. The friend he had been to Ratonhnhaké:ton. I feared that Ratonhnhaké:ton had to endure another loss like he had been forced to see his mother die. Again. He didn't deserve it and both of them didn't deserve to die either. But why did this happen? Why did people we love die so early in life, although there was no reason for it? I had often asked myself this question after my parents had died. Their death had never made sense and it didn't up to this day. But was there any reason for death at all, if it doesn't take us away when we were old? It could hardly be God's will, could it? The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away? Or was it fate or was it all the same?
Who can answer this anyway?, I thought and rolled onto my side, pulling the blanket up to my chin. I was alone in the tent and the lingering darkness that was only enlightened by one of the fires outside. The only sounds reaching my ears were the rustling of the trees and occasional quiet voices somewhere in the camp, or a snore coming from one of the nearby tents. Before sunset, I had retreated into the tent they had given us. I had prepared our bed for the night. Made of two sleeping mats and several blankets and furs I had got from the man called Wilden. A gruff, almost toothless old man who was responsible for the distribution of goods in the camp. He had stated that he wouldn't favor anyone and still he hadn't counted the blankets before handing them over to me. So I had been able to create a comfortable and warm place to sleep for us, although we were sleeping on the ground. The preparations, to do something and make sure that especially my husband had a comfortable place to sleep, had distracted me a bit and had brought my rushing thoughts into order. At least until I was lying there alone and drowned in the murky lake that was my mind.
Ratonhnhaké:ton had wanted to stay with Kanen'tó:kon and watch over him. Maybe there was nothing he could do to save his life, but I could understand that he didn't want to stay idle either. Especially the hopeless actions were often healing in such a situation and so I had accepted his wish, although I wanted him to get some rest. I was worried about him as I was worried about Kanen'tó:kon.
It was this concern that eventually made me stand up and leave the tent. The night was cold and although my clothes had dried under the blankets, I was still freezing terribly. Since I had no coat, I wrapped myself into one of the blankets while walking to Kanen'tó:kon's tent. It was silent in there and the only light source was an oil lamp. When I pulled away the tarp covering the entrance, I expected to find Ratonhnhaké:ton sitting upright, the way I had left him a few hours ago. But he was lying on the thin sleeping mat, soundly asleep, his knees pulled close to his body as if he had fallen asleep sitting and had fallen over.
I carefully crawled into the tent and closed the tarp behind me. There was just a small gap between the two men, where I kneeled to wake none of them up. Ratonhnhaké:ton was so fast asleep that he hadn't even noticed my entrance. He neither woke up as I took the blanket off my shoulders and put it over him. He just moved slightly and stayed asleep.
He must be terribly exhausted, I thought and gently ran my fingertips over his forehead to brush away one of his dark strands of hair. Kanen'tó:kon was asleep, too, but his face was a grimace of pain and his breathing was heavy and irregular as if a weight was resting on his chest. I aw sweat glistening on his forehead and as I carefully laid my hand on his cheek, it was blazing with heat. I pulled the blanket over his body back, so that he couldn't overheat and grabbed for a cloth that was lying in a bowl of water before me. I soaked it with the cold liquid, wrung it out, and put it over Kanen'tó:kon's forehead. A quiet groan left his lips, but I was sure his expression relaxed a bit.
"Rest", I whispered. "Gather your strength and get healthy." My eyes filled up with tears and I wiped them away. It was remarkable how painful it could be to see someone, you didn't know well, suffer. But we were connected by Ratonhnhaké:ton and as his friend, I considered Kanen'tó:kon as mine. Seeing friends suffer was almost painful. Especially when you felt guilty for their suffering. It could have been me who was lying here, fighting against death.
"I thank you", I whispered. "You wanted to protect me and now you're lying here."
"And I do not regret it."
I winced as I heard these murmured words. They sound hoarse and strained and at first, I wasn't even sure if I had heard them at all. But Kanen'tó:kon slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. I hadn't expected him to be awake and didn't know if I should feel ashamed because he had heard me. But why should I? I had said what I was thinking.
"I gave Ratonhnhaké:ton my word and I could have not forgiven myself if something had happened to you." Although he was so weak, his words sounded determined and serious. There was no doubt he had been willing to give his life for a promise. A fact that made me feel even more in debt. Unfortunately, there weren't many people with this sense of honor, no matter how reckless.
"Above all, I know how much you mean to Ratonhnhaké:ton", Kanen'tó:kon continued and he turned his head to look at his sleeping friend. "I know him my whole life and I have never seen him as relaxed as he is when you are nearby. He is happy and I am happy for him. He deserves it." He looked at me now and I saw a smile flitting over his lips. "Take good care of him and he will be a good man to you."
I couldn't do anything but to smile about his words, although I felt more like crying. They honored me and made me sad at the same time because I could hear how important Ratonhnhaké:ton was to him and I didn't want Ratonhnhaké:ton to lose a person like him. Again. But no matter what was going to happen: I wouldn't leave him alone with it.
"You have my word, I will take good care of him."
"I have no doubts." Kanen'tó:kon smiled again and closed his eyes to take a deep, shaking breath. Sweat was running over his face and his breathing became more and more strained. I should have stopped him talking. He was too weak.
"Rest", I said quietly and carefully took the cloth off his forehead to dip it into the water again. I looked at Ratonhnhaké:ton who had woken up and sat up in a haste.
"Kanen'tó:kon?", he asked concerned and looked past me at his friend, who opened his eyes once again. In an instant, Ratonhnhaké:ton kneeled beside me and took the cloth out of my hand to lay it on Kanen'tó:kon's forehead himself. He quietly talked to him in their mother tongue and although I could read his concern and fear for his friend in his face, his voice had a soothing undertone. But whatever he had said, Kanen'tó:kon shook his head and started talking in their mother tongue as well, switching back to English after glancing at me.
"Washington must be stopped", he said and gave Ratonhnhaké:ton a forceful look. "We probably have just one try to start a larger attack. I wanted you to come here because I know you are a good warrior. But the others hope to use your reputation among Washington's men to our advantage."
"You know I will not rely on any reputations. Whatever they are saying about me, either it will turn out to be true or they will realize they have been wrong."
"I know, but listen to me. Both of you." Kanen'tó:kon's look brushed mine. "Haytham and Jefferson will not shrink from spreading new rumors about you to fuel the fear from you. Hoping the bluecoats will become careless. You cannot allow it, be watchful. It may sound like a plan that could work but I fear you could never get rid of this reputation, after Washington's downfall." Kanen'tó:kon closed his eyes and took a shaking breath. It was clearly visible that talking was exerting him and still, neither Ratonhnhaké:ton nor I dared to interrupt him. What he had to say sounded too important.
"You know I am here because I wanted to help our people", Kanen'tó:kon continued. "When Washington is overthrown, they will build up a new government, and maybe it can finally bring us a peaceful life. On our own land, beside the white men as our friends."
I glanced at Ratonhnhaké:ton who had pressed his lips together. Kanen'tó:kon's hope hadn't escaped his notice either. An understandable hope which had never been realized in the world we knew. But we didn't say anything. To rob Kanen'tó:kon of this hope now would be heartless and he wasn't done yet.
"If they fuel the fear of you, people will believe that whatever they say about you, applies to all of us. They will never be peace but only fear. Do not let them make you a monster. Promise me, you will be watchful."
Ratonhnhaké:ton nodded. "You gave my word. If I help them ending this, I will do it on my terms."
"Good." Kanen'tó:kon's lips curled into a smile. "I will be right behind you and have your back, if necessary." He uttered a chuckle, quickly turning into a dry cough. But Ratonhnhaké:ton smiled, too, and put a hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Yes, you will. As you always did."
Kanen'tó:kon's eyes closed again and a pained groan left his lips, as a visible tremble ran through his body. Carefully Ratonhnhaké:ton pulled the blanket back and we looked at the bandage Logan had tightly wrapped around Kanen'tó:kon's waist. It was drenched with blood. The bleeding hadn't stopped. Ratonhnhaké:ton and I shared a short, hopeless look before he put the blanket back into place and took the cloth again, to wet it and carefully run it over Kanen'tó:kon's sweaty face.
»You have fought enough, for now, brother«, he spoke quietly in the language of their people. »Rest and soon we will stand side by side again. Here or in another life«
I wasn't sure if Kanen'tó:kon had heard his words. Sleep had taken him back into its arms. To the edge of this word where he hopefully wouldn't feel any pain. Ratonhnhaké:ton sat back onto the mat he had slept on before and while I asked myself, whether or not he would ask me to leave as he had done hours ago, he reached out for me, without saying a word. In his eyes, I could read the silent request not to leave and so I grabbed his hand, crawled to him, and sat down beside him. We sat shoulder to shoulder. Our hands intertwined beside us. Silent and listening to Kanen'tó:kon's irregular breathing. When morning dawned and the first daylight enlightened the tent, we were still sitting there and the only thing we heard were the sounds of the camp and the forest around us. Coming back to life while another had come to an end.
In the morning, while the news of Kanen'tó:kon's death spread, Ratonhnhaké:ton left into the woods to find a burial plot for his friend. When he returned, several men declared they wanted to be present at the burial and three of them lifted the body, which was wrapped in a blanket, onto their shoulders and carried it to the clearing Ratonhnhaké:ton had chosen. It was quite small and almost a perfect circle. Bushes were surrounding it, full of red berries and a stream was rushing between the trees. It was very idyllic and seemed to be the perfect place for a final resting-place, since Kanen'tó:kon couldn't be buried close to his people. Maybe this was one of the reasons why it had been so important to Ratonhnhaké:ton to make sure that his friend received a proper burial and wasn't just buried in some shallow grave. He had already dug the one Kanen'tó:kon was laid into now. His feet directed to the west, the direction the souls of the dead chose for their last journey, as Ratonhnhaké:ton explained. For this journey, he gave Kanen'tó:kon his tomahawk and a hunting knife, fitting for a warrior. The following silence made me wish I knew more about Mohawk burial rites. Did they speak words of farewell? Blessings? Did the other persons present put something into the grave as well? Flowers, for example? To know nothing felt unpleasant and my gaze kept returning to Ratonhnhaké:ton, who was standing by the grave.
Just as I asked myself again, what was going to happen, Ratonhnhaké:ton finally started talking in the language of his people. His voice sounded calm, totally aware of the words they spoke, and whatever he was saying, it didn't seem like he was talking to us. But whatever he was saying, no matter if it was a traditional, ritual speech or not, I wouldn't ask him to translate it. The fact that he was talking in his mother tongue gave this burial a personal and especially reverent character, like Kanen'tó:kon deserved it. There was no need for further explanations. When Ratonhnhaké:ton ended, it became silent again and the clearing remained silent as Ratonhnhaké:ton gave a hardly visible signal and the two men helped him filling the grave. While they worked, the others left the clearing, one by one, until I was the only one watching them shoveling the remaining soil onto the grave. After that, the two helpers left as well and we were alone. I was unsure whether I should say or do something. Like after Ziio's death, it was hard for me to understand everything. But this time, I didn't feel so desperate about the thought of Ratonhnhaké:ton's recent loss. Maybe because he was so calm himself. Marked by grief but calm, he slowly walked to the edge of the clearing and sat down on a tree-trunk. Still, I couldn't stop myself from scrutinizing his face while stepping to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.
"I am sorry", I said quietly and meant his loss, as well the reason for Kanen'tó:kon's death. But like the moment in the cabin, after Ziio's death and when I had cried the tears he hadn't shed, it seemed as if Ratonhnhaké:ton wanted to comfort me and not the other way around. He raised his head, looking up to me since I was taller than him for once and shook it.
"You do not have to be", he said calmly and grabbed my hand that had slipped off his shoulder. "It is how it is. I may have lost him again but during the time I was allowed to spend with him, I could make peace with myself. He was and is my best friend and I know that he has found his peace long since. He has always fought honorably for what he believed in and this time he has kept his word while protecting you. I am grateful. For having him as a friend and for your life." He gently pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around my waist to hold me. He leaned his head against my chest, looking at the bushes around us. He snuggled up to me as if he wanted to find comfort with me after all. No matter if he did or not, I enjoyed his closeness. I wrapped my arms around him and lowered my head until my lips touched his dark hair and I heard him sighing quietly, as my fingertips ran through the strands in his ponytail. Except for the rustling of the wind in the trees and bushes, the sound of the stream and occasional shouts of some animals, it was silent on the clearing and despite the sad reason we had come here, I found this silence very pleasant. A short moment of peace before we had to throw ourselves back into the uncertainties of this reality and a chance to ensure each other that we would do it together.
"Did you know that your heartbeat is one of the most beautiful sounds to me?", Ratonhnhaké:ton quiet voice suddenly cut the silence and made me open my eyes, which had fallen shut by now. The grip of his arms tightened as he pulled me even closer and kept talking. "I keep having this nightmare, where I am holding you in my arms and watch you die. Each time I wake up and have to make sure that it was just a dream. It is my biggest fear I could lay my head on your chest and hear nothing but silence." He pulled away far enough to look at me again and the love in his eyes and the unexpected words which had been as gentle as they had been sad, made my heart beat faster. I wanted to tell him that this nightmare was only a dream. But the longer I looked into his eyes, the more it became aware to me that it was more than that to Ratonhnhaké:ton. It was the memory of something that had already happened: I had died. If it wasn't for the Shroud of Eden, I wouldn't be alive and while I had somehow forgotten…no, suppressed this fact, it was very present to Ratonhnhaké:ton. It was troubling him, like every other loss in his life was troubling him. The Apple had brought everything back to light.
"I know I cannot fight death and that loss is part of life, but am I crazy, if I will never stop trying? If I do everything to ensure that your heart keeps beating as well as the hearts of everyone else close to me?"
What should I answer? Was it crazy? Was it crazy to fear loss and to try avoiding it? Basically, he just wanted to protect those he loved and there was nothing reprehensible and wrong about it, as long as he didn't destroy himself in the process and this thought scared me.
"No, you are not", I answered quietly and ran my finger through his hair again. "I would do the same. Everyone who loves would. But you shouldn't forget the worth of your own life. You should enjoy it, no matter what happens."
"I know and I do enjoy it." One corner of his mouth twitched and made way for a brief smile, making his eyes grow even softer. "There are people in my life who give me every reason to do so."
