Sometimes, what is right, doesn't feel right at all

Even days after Ezra's death, I still tried to assimilate what had happened. I just couldn't believe he was dead. That he had killed himself. No matter how bad he had felt, I couldn't understand this final step. I kept thinking about our last conversation and began asking myself if I must have seen it coming. If there was something I could have done to keep him away from this decision. No matter what I was thinking about his suicide, he hadn't deserved all of this. Ezra had been a good man who had never had the chance of real happiness. He hadn't deserved this scorn, that was even following him after death. The men in the camp loved talking about what they were thinking about him and his actions, but for them, he remained a freak. A coward who had finally ended his suffering and had freed them from his presence. They didn't see him as a person. It was cruel and made me as angry as it made me sad but not only Ezra's death was overshadowing our general situation.

There was still the fact that the plans to finally defeat Washington, had been prevented. The rebellion's leaders had decided not to take further steps for now and wait. They wanted to find out first if there was a traitor in their ranks and if yes, who he was. The men never learned about this suspicion. They were simply told that the attack had been unsuccessful and that they needed time before making more decisions and they were more than just angry about it. They wanted to make progress and were unsettled by the permanent standstill. Above all, news had reached the camp that the bluecoats had executed well-aimed arrests of supporters of the rebellion in New York and the surrounding area, the day of Ezra's death. Several supply chains had been destroyed. Even the most optimistic men realized hat the rebellion stood with its back towards a cliff and was getting closer and closer to its edge. Facing nothing else but the impenetrable wall of bluecoats. After the news, it hadn't taken long until the first men deserted or lost their temper. Brawls and fights broke out for the most trivial reasons. The men were like powder barrels with lighted fuses. Not long until they would explode. The rebellion would destroy itself from the inside, just as Ezra had foreseen it.

Being in this camp became more and more unpleasant. For me especially, since the men began to see me as the crown of it all. In their opinion, I wasn't only useless but was fed on their costs. Ate precious supplies they needed to hold on just a bit longer. The number of men who had treated me friendly or with ignorance ran out quicker than I could let water trickle through my fingers. No matter what I did or where I went, I was looked at almost hostilely and had to listen to rude insults, as if this whole situation was my fault. It didn't get better because Ratonhnhaké:ton kept protecting me and beat off every verbal attack and even risked a brawl once. In the contrary. Right from the beginning, he had held their respect, especially because the story of his actions in the village and Arnold's fort had been elaborately embellished by now and had turned him into a glorious hero who could easily fight the rebellion's fight single-handedly. He still held this respect, no matter how much he despised it, but he was more and more questioned because he had brought me here at all. The seed of disapproval was so easily sowed. It just needed to grow. For four days, I tried to ignore all of this and every insulting word. But the more often the anger about me turned against Ratonhnhaké:ton, the sooner I wished to end all of it.

This wish brought me on my way to the commando tent. I had made a decision of which I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell anyone at all. But I knew that it was right. As well as I knew that Ratonhnhaké:ton wouldn't like it. So I went alone while he was hunting with some of the men. On my way, I thought about what I wanted to say and was so deep in thoughts, that I almost walked into someone who grabbed me by my shoulders and made me stop.

"Careful", Logan laughed and as I raised my eyes, I looked straight into his grinning face.

"I am sorry." I smiled apologizingly and nodded at his right hand which was still wrapped in a bandage. He had burnt himself a few days ago while cooking a salve and because of his recently healed shoulder, I had joked that he was probably his best patient himself.

"I hope you didn't hurt yourself because of me", I said and Logan's eyes followed mine and he shrugged. "Oh, no", he said and became surprisingly serious. "To be honest, I wanted to ask you, how you are. Because of Ezra. I saw you talking to him the day he died."

The smile I had carried on my lips vanished and I pressed my lips together instead. This came unexpected. Except for Ratonhnhaké:ton, no one had asked me about Ezra and he had accepted that I didn't want to talk about him. What was I supposed to answer, anyway? The suicide had hit me hard, even more since I had talked with Ezra before. But what had happened had happened. Ezra had chosen his path. It was none of my business.

"I did", I answered shortly and hoped Logan would interpret my refusing tone correctly. But he didn't.

"He was quite beside himself. Especially when I confronted him in the commando tent. He hid something, I'm sure of it. Did he say anything?"

Confronted? I frowned as I thought about the situation in the tent. Logan had blatantly accused Ezra of being the traitor because he had been gone for so long. I knew why, but it was nobody's business. Ezra had confided it to me and I wouldn't spill his secrets to everyone else.

"He gave hints, yes", I explained determined. "But he wasn't the one betraying the rebellion." I looked straight into Logan's eyes to hopefully emphasize my words but didn't want to give him the chance of continuing on this topic. "I am sorry, Logan, but I don't have time for this. Thank you for asking about how I am."

Normally I wouldn't like ending a conversation like that, but the last thing I wanted right now, was to think of Ezra. It was too much and I wanted to concentrate on the more urgent matters than the things I couldn't change. So I simply gave an apologizing smile to Logan, pushed myself past him, and continued my way. I forced my thoughts back to the upcoming conversation and to everything I wanted to say, but when I finally stood in front of the open entrance to the commando tent and had banished Logan from my thoughts, I became insecure and dismissed all the thoughts again. I had expected and somehow hoped to meet Thomas Jefferson here, but the only person inside was Haytham Kenway. He sat at the paper-loaded table and seemed to be engrossed in one of these papers. His tricorn rested on the only free spot on the table-top and I couldn't help myself but see similarities to his son in his concentrated face. It was strange. They seemed to be so different but yet they shared these small things like this deep wrinkle between Haytham's eyebrows.

"Lillian?"

I winced as Haytham suddenly rose his head and his grey eyes looked straight into my face. It made me even more nervous and I was close to dismiss my plan, apologize, and leave. But no. It had to be done.

"Excuse me, Sir. I didn't want to disturb", I said, still standing in the entrance. Haytham shook his head, pushed some of the papers together, stood up, and indicated to me that I should enter.

"You are not disturbing. What brings you here? Is there a problem?"

"No. Not really." Hesitantly I stepped to the table and forced myself not to lower my eyes under Haytham's scrutinizing gaze. When he had dragged me with him in New York, I had been afraid of him because I had feared he could hurt me or worse. I hadn't known who he was after all but even this knowledge didn't make me feel safer in his presence. I wasn't afraid he could hurt me, but his obscure personality unsettled me. Also because I didn't know if he would be willing to help me. I had to try.

"It's about my situation in the camp", I began carefully. "You certainly noticed that the men are not happy about my presence."

Haytham nodded and his gaze became serious. "If the men harass you, I will make sure that they will leave you alone." His voice left no doubt but I shook my head.

"That's not it. They may be no gentlemen but this is not why I am here." Haytham frowned and finally pointed at the second chair on the opposite side of the table.

"Please, take a seat", he asked. "Then I would like to hear what is bothering you."

I nodded and gratefully sat down whereupon he did the same. Haytham propped up his elbows and put his fingertips to his lips while looking at me expectantly, who started to knead her hands and took a deep breath.

"I have to admit that the men are not so wrong", I finally explained. "No matter their behavior, I can't deny that I am of no use for the rebellion, a burden even. The only reason for me being here is Ratonhnhaké:ton, nothing more. But this alone doesn't give me the right to live off the supplies of everyone without earning it and I don't want it anymore. You, the rebellion, face a bigger challenge and the men are already discouraged and unsettled. And I don't want to be the final nail in the coffin."

Haytham moved his hands back to the table as I had ended and looked at me, his head cocked. "I think, I understand your point, but do you say you want to leave the camp?"

I took another deep breath and nodded. Yes, that was what I had wanted to say. Haytham leaned back in his chair and looked me over thoughtfully, which made me move back and forth on my chair.

"I guess since my son isn't here, he doesn't know about your decision."

I shook my head. "I wanted to talk to you or Jefferson first. You should know that I have no one left but Ratonhnhaké:ton. He wants to protect me and he won't like the thought of giving my safety into someone else's hands."

"So you want to leave without him?"

"Yes. It's the right thing to do and the only contribution I can make. Ratonhnhaké:ton is needed here. I hoped you could help me find a safe place to stay until everything is over and Ratonhnhaké:ton doesn't need to worry about. I want him to concentrate on supporting you but he won't allow me to leave as long as he doesn't know that I am safe."

Haytham nodded slowly and he looked me over again. Whatever he was looking for, I didn't know if he found it.

"A remarkable decision", he finally said. "I have to admit that I didn't expect a woman like you to cope with a situation like this at all. I am sure you are used to more comfort than this." He spoke objectively but still, his words made me feel reluctant and for the first time, I dared to look straight into his eyes and frown.

"It's not about me or my comfort. Your men out there only need a slight impulse to turn their backs on you. They are angry and discontent and I think you would be glad for every relief in this situation."

Haytham's lips curled into a crooked smile as he raised his hands. "Please, forgive me. I didn't mean it. I understand your intention and if it is your wish, I will see what I can do."

"Thank you."

When I left the tent, I felt relieved. I was finally sure that I had made the right decision and I was glad that Haytham wanted to help me. It was certainly to his advantage. Now I had to tell Ratonhnhaké:ton about it and convince him, that letting me go was the right thing to do. As much as this thought hurt and scared me. I didn't have the chance to prepare myself for this conversation anyway. When I just wanted to crawl into our tent, I almost bumped into Ratonhnhaké:ton who looked at me as surprised as I looked at him.

"There you are", he said and sank back on his heels, as I carefully pushed myself past him, to sink onto our bedding. "I just wanted to go and find you." His voice showed clearly, that he didn't intend to control my every step. He didn't like the thought that I could be facing the men's anger alone and it confirmed that I'd had to make a decision.

"It's alright", I said reassuringly and smiled at him, as he sat down beside me. "I was in the commando tent and talked to your father."

Ratonhnhaké:ton frowned in confusion but before he could ask his obvious question for the reason, I answered. I told him about the conversation and especially my decision. I tried to explain it the same way I had explained it to Haytham, although it was much harder. Ratonhnhaké:ton's seemingly intuitive reaction was to frown even deeper and clench his teeth. His eyes where turned somewhere to the ground while listening to me in silence. There was no more obvious way he could have shown me his reluctance. I had hardly ended, as he vigorously shook his head. "No, it will not happen", he said and looked at me with firm eyes. "It is not safe out there. If something happens to you, I cannot be there for you. I do not like this thought. Not after everything that happened and everything we heard about. Let the men talk, they will not dare coming close to you. Trust me."

He had said these last two words with such urgency that my certainty for my plan wavered. Did I just communicate that I wasn't trusting him?

"That's not it", I said quietly and laid my hand on his. "I do trust you. There is no place where I feel safer than with you and believe me: I don't want to go but in this case, I think it's not about what we want."

Ratonhnhaké:ton had lowered his eyes again and visibly struggled with my words. A sign that he wasn't refusing them entirely. He would have stopped listening to me already.

"The rebellion needs you", I continued and gently squeezed his hand. "And you need them if you don't want to face Washington and his army alone. But the more often you step between me and them, the sooner you will lose their support. Just until it's over and you defeated Washington."

Ratonhnhaké:ton huffed quietly. "It will take ages", he murmured.

"Not if there will be peace and quiet again and everyone can concentrate on what is important."

And if this traitor is found.

I smiled and raised my hand to grab the little braid on his temple and let it run through my fingers. As Ratonhnhaké:ton raised his eyes and looked into mine, most of his refusal had vanished from his face. "I understand what you intend", he said quietly and with resignation. "But only the thought of letting you go alone feels like I would abandon you."

"You won't. I will be fine. Please, you have to trust me, too."

Ratonhnhaké:ton silently returned my gaze and this time, I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Every emotion was hidden behind a thick wall while I could feel my heart beating in my chest. There was nothing more important to me than his consent because it would be even harder to leave if I knew, that he didn't approve my decision. I didn't want him to think I would simply leave him behind and settle in a more comfortable place, as I had understood Haytham's words at first. I would sleep in a shithole as long as I had Ratonhnhaké:ton with me. But as I had said before: Sometimes you had to defer your own wishes for a higher good and we were in such a situation. After his silence had felt like an eternity, Ratonhnhaké:ton finally sighed quietly and grabbed my hand again. "When?", he simply asked.

"As soon as your father found me a place to stay."


Almost a week passed until Haytham told us he had found a safe place for me. With an elderly couple who owned a small farm south of New York and who hadn't been targeted by the bluecoats until now. Contrary to most of the rebellion's supporters who were now watched by the King's guards. A nice description of arrests, executions, and the destruction of livelihoods over the last couple of days. I had prepared myself more or less by now. At least I had tried. My reason, telling me it was the right thing to do, still fought my heart which didn't want to be separated from Ratonhnhaké:ton. Even for a few days. This was, what I kept telling me. A few days. Until they had defeated Washington, Ratonhnhaké:ton had taken the Apple and came to me so that we could return home. That was the plan. The way too easy sounding plan we both dared to doubt. Basically, it was like it had always been. We couldn't say for sure that we were going to see each other again if we separated and so each spoken word, the smallest of touches over the last days had felt like a goodbye. A final goodbye and it came sooner than I liked it.

In the morning, Haytham had come to the fire where we were just eating and told us about his successful search. The farmer was going to wait for us on the street to New York tomorrow morning and take me with him. Tomorrow. Now it had become evening, the sun was already setting and a familiar, lively alcoholic mood spread in the camp, which Ratonhnhaké:ton and I always used to retreat. But this time, we didn't decide to go to our tent and to sleep. We wanted to use this last night before our separation to be alone and undisturbed, away from the camp. We left it far enough to be surrounded by the sounds of the forest but not to alarm whoever was keeping watch over who left and entered the camp. It was a relieving feeling which I greeted with a deep inhale. As if I could breathe in the peace and quiet with the smell of wet leaves and moss. We had walked to the clearing where Kanen'tó:kon was buried, had paid a short visit to his grave, and now walked alongside the little stream. It was a pleasant reminder of the strolls I had made at home with Ratonhnhaké:ton. At first, it had been hard to interest him in this venture which had been too uneventful and boring to him. He preferred wandering hither and thither through the woods and finding his path in the trees and making him stroll was a difficult matter. Still, he had decided to accompany me from time to time and since Emily had been born and was showing interest in her environment, he had found pleasure in it. No matter if we strolled through the homestead, the woods, or the bay.

Even now he didn't seem to mind our slow pace and radiated an incredible peace, even though his eyes kept roaming through our surroundings which was bathed in the red colors of the setting sun. The colorful leaves of the trees shone even brighter and I could hardly turn my eyes away from the beauty of nature. It was remarkable how it could make you forget the ugliness of civilization and its cruel actions.

"Are you prepared?"

I turned my attention from the pine cone I had picked up and was tugging apart with my fingertips and looked at Ratonhnhaké:ton who had asked this question without looking at me. Although he had interrupted our silence so suddenly, I knew what he meant. There was certainly nothing else bothering us right now and for which I had to prepare myself.

"Well, I guess I have everything I will need. It's not much, anyway." I gave a crooked smile as I thought of the small bundle of belongings, I had packed for my journey tomorrow. To call it a bundle was even an exaggeration. It was just a piece of soap and the small knife, wrapped in a blanket. Right from the beginning, we hadn't carried much with us anyway and most of it was of more use for Ratonhnhaké:ton than it was for me. He had just nodded about my answer and was now looking down at his feet, which were making no sound, even on the leaf-covered ground of the forest, while each of my steps caused a loud rustling.

"I rather meant, if you are ready", he said slowly, almost hesitantly. "If you change your mind…"

"No! It has to be", I interrupted him hastily, fearing his words could make tomorrow's farewell even harder. But was that even possible? I sighed.

"I cannot say that I am ready", I said and looked at the small pile of pine-seed on the palm of my hand, which was almost blown away by a faint breath of wind. I closed my fingers around it. "I don't want to go. Since we are here, I was glad that none of us has to endure this alone. I was glad to have you by my side. Without you, I would have lost hope and probably my mind long ago. But I am afraid of the uncertainty awaiting me. I will sit there and wait until you finally defeated Washington or…" I raised my eyes and gulped. "…died in the process."

This was probably my worst nightmare. It always was, whenever Ratonhnhaké:ton was gone and I could only hope for his return or good news. With the difference, that this time, I would not lose only him but simply everything. The life we had. Our home. Our friends. Our daughter.

"Do not think of it. It will only make it harder." Ratonhnhaké:ton grabbed my hand and made us stop. The evening light intensified the golden shimmer in his eyes which were now looking at me seriously. "But I understand what you mean. I do not want to let you go either, although it is selfish. But I like having you with me. You are the only thing that is right here."

He pulled me into a gentle embrace and I smiled as I thought that I could say the same about him. Everything was so different here. Changed and it felt wrong. Not always in a bad way, but nothing was as it was supposed to be. Except for us. Our trust in each other, the natural way we were seeking each other's closeness and comfort and above all: The love that was running through me now like a warm prickle and made me enjoy the embrace. If all of this would have been gone all of a sudden, I would have lost my mind.

"It will be strange without you", Ratonhnhaké:ton murmured and I felt him propping his chin upon my head. As he always did.

"Not only for you." I put my arms over his shoulders and put my head back to press a kiss on his chin. Ratonhnhaké:ton looked down at me without breaking the embrace. "Just let us think of seeing each other again and return home together", I said and decided to take my words to heart. If I didn't, I would become desperate during our separation and it would make things harder than they already were.

Ratonhnhaké:ton nodded at least and his arms tensed as he lifted me onto the tips of my toes, to seal this plan with a kiss. I wanted to put my hand into the back of his neck to support myself, but I forgot that my right hand wasn't empty and Ratonhnhaké:ton pulled away with a gasp and wriggled, as a handful of pine-cone-seed trickled into his shirt.

"Oh, sorry", I said but couldn't stop myself from giggling. I hadn't done it on purpose, but the way Ratonhnhaké:ton tugged hectically at his shirt to get rid of the seed, before giving me a reproachful look, was incredibly fun to watch.

"You find this funny, do you not?", he asked, but it didn't sound seriously offended. "We are having a serious conversation and you play tricks on me."

"It was not on purpose." I was still giggling even though I tried to hide it behind my hand. "But it was funny. I didn't know you could howl like this."

Ratonhnhaké:ton huffed. "I certainly did not howl."

"You did. You sounded like a dog who got his tail stepped on."

My giggle became an open, hearty laugh that pushed away all my fears and worries. It felt good, even more since Ratonhnhaké:ton's lips curled into a light smile, then into a visible grin, which he tried to hide with shaking his head and turning away from me. Still laughing, I didn't notice how he bent down to pick something up until this something suddenly hit my belly with a muffled thud. I squeaked, jumped backward, and stared at just the same cone which I had tugged apart and then into Ratonhnhaké:ton's pleased grin.

"Did you just throw something at me?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "It was not on purpose. But you can squeak so perfectly. Like a mouse that has detected a cat."

"You…" I laughed, quickly bent down to pick up the cone, and threw it back at Ratonhnhaké:ton, who caught it masterfully and indicated that he wanted to return my attack. But I whirled around, gathered up my skirt and stormed to the next tree, to take cover.

"And so the mouse flees from the cat", I heard Ratonhnhaké:ton's amused and approaching voice. His steps were hardly audible and still, I ran to the next tree, before his arm shot around the first and grabbed me.

"It seems like the cat is an old and slow one", I laughed and peeked around the tree just to run off again. Ratonhnhaké:ton didn't stand for my provocation. He ran and started chasing me between the trees. He let me escape on purpose, every time he could have caught me and pretended that he had lost interest in this game, to make me feel safe, before storming at me again. I tried to use the trees to my advantage but it didn't work out for long. Here in the woods, I had no chance against a hunter like Ratonhnhaké:ton. He just had to quicken his pace once before he could grab me and throw me over his shoulder. He skilfully ignored my hitting against his back and loud protest, which was robbed of its seriousness by my continuous laughter.

"The mouse should not overestimate itself", he said, smirking audibly. He took a few steps and when I believed he would finally put me down, he did me this favor. But not in the way I had expected. I could only scream again, as he dropped me to the side and I found myself in a pile of leaves in front of a tree. Snorting, I wiped the wet leaves from my face and looked up to Ratonhnhaké:ton who gave me a triumphant grin.

"This is not fair", I mumbled. "Throwing me on my back like this even though you are stronger anyway."

"Forgive me", he replied amused. "You challenged me. But to make it fairer…" A thud, a rustling, and then he lay beside me in the leaves and gave me a look that said something like: "Better?"

I laughed, wiped a leaf from his forehead that was stuck there.

"Sometimes you are more childish than I thought you were capable of, do you know that?"

He propped himself up on his arm and cocked his head. "Do you think so?" He smirked and put the other arm around me. "I guess, you have this effect on me. It is hard to stay serious while you enjoy even the smallest things. Do you think it is a bad thing?"

"No." I smirked. "Actually, it's very refreshing."

"Yes, it is."

Ratonhnhaké:ton finally bent over me and my grin turned into a soft smile, as I looked up to him. The sun had further set and the shadows between the trees grew larger. Only his face was illuminated by the last light of day and it made his features look even softer and his eyes even warmer. But even though I would certainly miss him, I couldn't think of saying goodbye right now. I raised my hand, put it on his cheek, and watched with a rushing heart how he closed his eyes, as my fingertips ran gently along his cheekbone, followed his jawline, his chin, and finally reached his lips. He grabbed my hand and kissed my fingertips before pushing them aside and repeating this loving gesture on my lips. Two short kisses, before we remained in a long, deep kiss. I forgot the time. The unpleasantly wet and sticky leaves around us. The cold air. Everything that could have bothered me. Physically or mentally. There were only this kiss, this embrace, and the gentle caresses on my hair, my cheeks, and my waist. My own hands rested in the back of Ratonhnhaké:ton's neck and slid into his soft hair, as his lips pulled away from mine and ran over my chin, down to my neck. Sighing softly, I arched my back and made it easier for him, to caress the skin he found there. He kissed it, gently tugged it between his lips, and from time to time, I felt his teeth, never biting hard enough to break my skin. He was gentle and loving, just the way I was used to it, and just the way he knew I loved and enjoyed it. Just as always.

I didn't want our togetherness to end so soon, but it was a close, loud cracking that made Ratonhnhaké:ton tear his head up and me open my eyes. Ratonhnhaké:ton frowned deeply, as he looked over his shoulder to the spot the cracking had come from. It had sounded like something big was moving through the thicket.

"An animal?", I asked and hardly dared to raise my voice. Ratonhnhaké:ton didn't answer but stood up and helped me onto my feet, without turning his eyes away from the bushes. Every joy was forgotten in an instant. Many different thoughts about what could have caused the noise rushed through my head. A dear was the most pleasant one.

"Stay close behind me", Ratonhnhaké:ton whispered and pulled out his tomahawk. Not a good omen. Trembling I followed him slowly towards the thicket and feared that we could be attacked from there at any moment, but everything remained silent. With the blade of his tomahawk, Ratonhnhaké:ton pushed some broken twigs aside and looked down on the ground, pressed flat by something. Everything was so soft and wet that even I could see the traces leading away. Footprints.

"Was somebody watching us?" Now my voice didn't sound scared anymore, but almost cracked in anger. The thought that one of the men had followed us and had hidden here, while I had been bathing in Ratonhnhaké:ton's closeness only a few feet away, was making me sick. Ratonhnhaké:ton didn't answer but picked something up from the ground. A purple flower, including its bristly stem and hairy leaves, which I hadn't noticed before. We were in the middle of the forest, after all.

"Comfrey. Almost dried. Someone must have lost it here", he murmured and followed the footprints with his eyes.

"And what does it mean?"

"I do not know. But whoever was here, he did not return to the camp. He walked away from it. I even doubt that he watched us. He avoided us."