ACT VI: Dirhenno, the Heaped Part 1: Meh

"Don't feel bad, your majesty." Indexia tried her best to comfort Festivio. "There's one in every family. Two in mine, actually. And not all of them are destined for greatness."

Festivio let out a disappointed sigh as he flipped through Dirhenno's chapter in the great book of magic. Every page was filled with nothing but drawings of black balls. Dirhenno had completely ignored his father's requests to create new spells, even though he had put his faith in him to carry on the family tradition. But his firstborn seemed totally uninterested in - and at worst, resentful of - the scepter, the family spellbook, and becoming king. "What am I gonna do with him?" Festivio sighed.

"No disrespect, your majesty, but I say you ought to just give Prince Crescento the scepter." Hekapoe cut in. "That kid has a good head on his shoulders."

"(While I don't agree with his tone, Hekapoe has a point.)"Lekmat bleated in reply.

"We all know how much you love your sons, Festivio, but Dirhenno just isn't up for the job." Rhombulie added. "Crescento actually has some really good ideas! You shouldn't let something like the order of birth determine Mewni's next king."

"Alright, enough!" Festivio snapped. "It might not be too late to set my boy straight. Maybe I can set something up with that Master Atrocious at St. Olaf's-"

"NO!" The Magical High Commission shouted at once, making Festivio jump. They couldn't allow him to meet the headmaster of St. Olaf's Home for Wayward Princes.

"Uh… you see, the thing is…" Rhombulie stammered. "I mean, you see, your highness, the thing is…"

"Headmaster Atrocious specializes in rowdy princes." Hekapoe reasoned. "And Dirhenno isn't necessarily rowdy, he just lacks motivation."

"Exactly." Omnitraxus nodded inside her crystal ball. "Atrocious would see it as a waste of time."

"Oh… okay, I guess that makes sense." Festivio shrugged, much to the relief of the MHC. "Alright, I guess I'll go talk to Dirhenno and Crescento."

Once the king was gone, Lekmat allowed herself to sigh. "(That was too close.)"

Half an hour later, Dirhenno lay upside-down on his bed, drawing balls on his bedroom walls with a poem inside about how he was a lone wolf when his father dragged his little brother in. The younger prince pinched his nose in disgust as he cautiously stepped over piles of dirty laundry. "Ugh, what do you guys want?" He groaned.

"Yeah, I was in the middle of trumpet lessons, dad!" Crescento whined.

Festivio sighed at his sons' attitudes. "Okay, I have consulted with Indexia and the Magical High Commission…" He explained. "And, Dirhenno, I'm sorry, but we agree that the whole king thing just isn't for you."

Crescento's eyes suddenly lit up as an excited smile spread over his lips. "Oh, my Stump! Oh, my Stump! Oh, my Stump!"

Dirhenno, on the other hand, rolled his eyes, rolled off the bed, and handed the scepter back to his father, watching it turn back into the golden goblet. "Sure, whatever."

Festivio patted Dirhenno on the shoulder before turning towards his youngest. "Now, Crescento-"

"GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!" Crescento eagerly reached out towards the scepter, only to be held back by his father.

"Wait! Wait! Wait! I'll let you supersede Dirhenno, son." Festivio moved the scepter away from his second-born with a serious expression. "But first, you have to say one nice thing about your brother."

"Seriously?" Crescento sniffed, arrogantly.

"Yes!" Festivio barked, sternly. "Your mother and I didn't raise you to be a rude monarch, Crescento! And a king can only be as nice to his people as he is to his family! Now, go on! Say something nice to him or you're not getting this scepter!"

"Uuuuuuugh…" Crescento rubbed a hand over his face as he turned to look his brother in the eyes. How was he supposed to compliment Dirhenno of all people? The elder of the two hardly ever bathed, refused to engage in any exercise, and his gloomy outlook on life was a stark contrast to his own father. "Well, when it comes to things like political prowess, magical competence, and basic hygiene, I have the lion's share. But when it comes to things like drawing balls… I must admit I am at the shallow end of the gene pool."

"... eh. Good enough for me." Dirhenno shrugged and left the room.

A few weeks later, Festivio organized a party to celebrate Crescento's inheritance of the scepter. Everyone in the kingdom rejoiced; Crescento was well-known for being far more organized and respectable than Dirhenno. The older brother sipped his tap water through a straw as he watched the Future Rulers of Mewni club lift Crescento in the air while his airhead father continued numbing his brain with alcohol. Everywhere he looked, people were just lapping it all up in a vain attempt to distract themselves from their inevitable deaths.

"This party is pointless." Dirhenno sighed, tiredly.

"Everything's pointless." A girl in black remarked, having overheard his comment. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Uh… sure." While his face maintained its usual neutral tone, Dirhenno's heart skipped a beat at the sight of this girl and the sound of her voice. As he followed her out of the castle, he spoke up. "So, uh… what's your name?"

"Chloe." She replied, bluntly. "I used to live in Dragontown but I decided it just wasn't for me. Too many people. So now I live in a tent in the woods. I'm more of a… a, uh…"

"A lone wolf?" He asked.

"Yeah. Exactly." She nodded.

"... where have you been all my life?"

Little did Dirhenno realize that his mother and father were watching him from afar. Festivio happily reached into his pocket, pulled out a bag of gold coins, and graciously handed it to his wife. "Am I a good matchmaker, or what?" Chastity boasted, pocketing the gold and sharing a fist-bump with her husband.

Outside the castle walls, Dirhenno and Chole continued to walk and enjoy each other's company as the moon began to rise. "Now, don't get me wrong, I do love my father." Dirhenno explained. "And I can appreciate the lengths he goes to try and make me happy, but he doesn't seem to understand that I am a lone wolf who can never be satisfied with the archaic ways of a prince's lifestyle."

"I know how you feel." Chole nodded in agreement. "My own parents couldn't accept who I was, so I ran away from home."

Suddenly, the duo were knocked to the ground as someone rudely bumped into them and fell over. The stranger's backpack fell into Dirhenno's lap as he tried to sit up. "Hey! Watch where you're-!" The prince was cut off by a soft cry coming from the backpack. "What the… is there a baby in this bag?"

"Mind your own business, punk!" The man angrily snatched the bag away, only to be tackled to the ground by two Solarian warriors with General Milo Loveberry following close behind.

"Holy Corn!" Milo gasped. "Prince Dirhenno, do you realize what you've done?! This is Bobipsine Magipsa! We've been tracking this man for years for crimes against Mewni! He's guilty of corn theft, crop sabotage, and eating babies!"

"You can't do this to me!" Bobipsine fumed, only to be backhanded by Milo.

"Quiet, criminal! You're lucky I don't put you down here and now! You are, by far, the biggest monster I've ever heard of!" Milo snapped before realizing what he just said. "Huh. And that's saying something. I've literally killed hundreds of actual monsters."

"What's going on here?" Festivio called out as he, Crescento, and the Future Rulers of Mewni club arrived on the scene.

"Your majesty!" Milo saluted. "It is with great pride that I inform you that your son, Dirhenno, has aided us in capturing a dangerous criminal!"

"Whoa, for real?!" Samantha Abigail Tan gasped in surprise. "That's - that is huge!"

Festivio proudly gave his boy a pat on the back. "Good work, son!"

"Credit where it's due." Crescento shrugged. "How does it feel to have captured a dangerous criminal?"

Dirhenno shared a look with Chloe before looking back at his family. "... meh." He shrugged.

For some the troubles come in doubles,

In sadness greatly steeped,

And drawing balls upon the walls,

Is Dirhenno, the Heaped

To Be Continued!

Author's notes: And so, we've come to our second one-part act. Next up is Crescento and his political exploits. Sorry this chapter is so short, but I didn't really have a whole lot planned for Dirhenno and Jeshica in the first place.

Also, in the reviews for the last chapter, someone asked if Festivio cheated on Chastity which resulted in Crescento's birth. NO. If I wanted a twist like that, I would have explicitly said so. Festivio genuinely loved his wife and kids and never did anything to damage his relationship with them. He may not have been a perfect monarch, but he was a good family man.

Anyways, as always, please read and review.