ACT VIII: Ryan, the Riddled Part 2: A Troubled Family

Ryan let out a tired sigh as he and his wife entered the psychiatrist's office. "Jane, is this really necessary?"

"Yes, it is, you stupid, worthless bastard!" The demoness hissed, bitterly. "I can't believe you-!"

"Alright, alright, let's calm down." The royal psychiatrist, Dr. Loxapine, spoke soothingly to his patients. Two years after Simon returned, the Magical High Commission had finally had enough of their constant bickering and ordered the king and queen to seek out marriage counseling. "Now, Queen Jane, let's address the issue."

Jane scoffed as she motioned towards Ryan. "The issue? The issue is that my husband is a selfish jackass who puts pointless riddles above his responsibilities, treats his own son like something he wipes his boots on, and treats his own wife like some sort of plague!"

Ryan rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Oh, don't exaggerate! You're more like an irritating scab."

"Let's get something straight; I am not doing this for you! I am doing this for Simon!" Jane hissed at her husband before fondly glancing at a portrait of their child. "I'd do anything for my little crescent roll."

"See, that right there is why he's the way he is!" Ryan pointed, accusingly. "You've coddled the boy for too long!"

"Okay, now, both of you!" Dr. Loxapine interrupted. "Stop! If we're going to get through this, we need to be rational with each other. Now, Queen Jane, can you give us an example of why you think Ryan is a bad husband and father?"

"Certainly!" Jane huffed. "It all started when Simon was born."

In the medical ward of the castle, Jane Roachley had finally calmed down after eight hours of labor. A tired but happy smile was plastered over her face as she cradled the baby in her arms. Simon had no horns, no tail, and only two eyes, but he did have his mother's lavender irises and pink hair. The doctors explained that due to him being Ryan's first born child, Simon's Dragonfly genes would be more predominant than his Roachley genes. But Jane didn't care; all she knew was that this was her child and she loved him with all her heart.

At last, Ryan walked into the room. "Jane! Are you okay?! I'm sorry I'm late, but-"

"I don't care." She breathed, happily. "Look, Ryan… our baby boy is finally here!"

Ryan smiled as he glanced over his wife's shoulder to look at his son, only to frown. "Why's he so small?"

Jane scoffed. "Ryan, he's a baby. Of course he's small! The doctors say he's perfectly healthy. Do you wanna hold him?"

Ryan checked his pocket watch. "Ah, I can't. I have a meeting with the Magical High Commission. But I'll see you later tonight." The king headed for the door, only to fall to the floor in pain as the red thread around his wrist began constricting. The thread dragged him back to the bed where he got a full view of his wife's glowing eyes.

"Listen here, you pea-brained, pseudo-intellectual son of a bitch." She hissed. "I did not just go through eight hours of excruciating pain trying to squeeze your son out of my body for you not to hold him after meeting him."

"W-well, dear, I didn't mean to - I mean, I just-"

"Hold. Your. Son."

"And it was all downhill after that!" Jane complained. "The only time he ever spent time with Simon was when I forced him to! He's too negligent! To his children and to his wife!"

"Oh, come on, Jane! We just had sex last week!" Ryan defended himself.

"That's not the point!" Jane snapped. "What kind of husband has to be forced to pay attention to any of his three kids?!"

The king flashed a deadpan expression. "We have four kids, dear."

Jane looked down at her fingers as she contemplated her husband's claim. "We have… four kids…? Oh. Oh, right. We have four kids."

"Okay, now, let's try to build more on this." Dr. Loxapine continued. "Queen Jane, how does it make you feel when King Ryan chooses not to spend time with you and the kids?"

The demoness crossed her arms, looking away from the doctor and Ryan. "It makes me feel hurt. It makes me feel inadequate. Like I'm not good enough."

"Okay, good." The psychiatrist turned to his king. "Now, King Ryan, tell us; what do you do when you're not around your family?"

Ryan sighed and leaned back in his seat. "I do work. Real work. Contrary to popular belief, I don't spend all my time making up riddles. And I do spend time with Simon! Although I haven't given him the scepter, I did allow Indexia to teach him how to make potions. He was even able to concoct an elixir that unlocked his mewberty form. But it's my responsibility to make sure he's ready to become king. But I can't do that until he grows a spine!"

"Don't talk about my son like that!" Jane snarled.

"He's my son, too! And I'll refer to him however I see fit!"

"Alright! Alright!" Dr. Loxapine got up from his seat and went over to the closet. The psychiatrist came back with a ruler in hand and held it up to the couple. "Okay… this is the 'talking stick.' Only the person holding the talking stick is allowed to talk!" Loxapine wiped the sweat from his brow and took a deep breath before handing the ruler over to the king. "Now, King Ryan, why don't you give us an example of why you think Simon is unfit to be king?"

Ryan snorted and crossed his arms. "Gladly. When he was fourteen, I asked him to practice his acceptance speech for when I was supposed to give him the magic scepter. The Magical High Commission was gathered to hear the speech and give him constructive criticism. But-"

Prince Simon quivered and trembled as Omnitraxus, Lehkmat, Hekapoe, Rhombulie, his siblings, and his parents stared into his soul. Hundreds of other empty seats behind them did nothing to ease his anxiety at the thought of standing in front of countless others. Feeling the heat of his father's gaze, Simon nervously tugged at the constricting collar of his shirt and looked down at the papers he had written his speech down on. But as much as he wanted to, the prince couldn't raise his voice as he read the speech out loud.

Frustrated, Ryan stood up from his seat and walked up to the podium. "Simon, how many times do I have to tell you, boy?" He grumbled. "You have. To speak. Up! Next week, this entire room is going to be full of delegates and nobility! If you can't speak in front of them, then I'm not going to give you the scepter!"

"No, dad. Please, don't make me talk in front of all those people." Simon whimpered. "I can't do it. I'm scared."

"You don't have that luxury, Simon." Ryan scolded, sternly. "You're royalty."

"Of course, he couldn't do it-"

"Because you were pressuring him!" Jane snapped.

"I have the talking stick!" Ryan taunted.

In a fit of rage, Jane snatched the ruler out of her husband's hand and smacked his head with it. Outraged, Ryan slapped her hand in retaliation. This, in turn, caused a childish slap-fight to break out between the couple, much to the ire of their psychiatrist. Just then, Reginald walked in, carrying a tray with three glasses and a bottle of bourbon. "I came to see if you needed refreshments."

"Thank you." Loxapine snatched the bottle from the tray, uncorked it, and took a swig.

After a fifteen minute break, the royal couple managed to reenter the office quietly. Reginald was still cleaning up the mess but Loxapine was determined to end this session before sun down. "Alright, so what happened between you and your son last year, King Ryan?"

Ryan sighed, tiredly. "I kept trying to get Simon to speak in front of a crowd, but I realized it would take more than me to get him to change."

"So, this bastard decided to send my precious crescent roll to St. Olaf's Academy for Wayward Princes!" Jane huffed. "Or as I like to call it; 'St. Olaf's Prison for Neglected Youths in Royalty!"

"Will you stop being so melodramatic?!" Ryan snapped. "St. Olaf's isn't that bad! It's like a boarding school! I went to boarding school and I turned out alright."

"That's debatable." Jane rolled all five of her eyes, much to the ire of Ryan. "Okay, but did you really have to throw him out into the street when he had to leave?!"

"Oh, I did not throw him into the street!"

"Quite right, sir." Reginald nodded. "You threw him onto the drawbridge. He rolled into the street."

Ryan shot a glare towards his squire. "Oh, who asked you? Go get dinner ready!"

Jane shook her head. "You know, it's honestly a miracle that you didn't screw him up enough that he couldn't have fallen in love."

"What? Simon's in love?" Ryan blinked. "How do you know?"

"He told me all about it last week."Jane replied, haughtily. "Remember last year when those monster's attacked and we sent him away to the Earth dimension for six months?"

Jane had caught her son writing a poem to Evangeline in his room as she was bringing him a jar of his favorite strawberry jam. After finally getting through the excuses and awkward silence, Jane sat next to Simon on his bed as he told her everything.

"And so, while we were away on Earth last year, we finally confessed our true feelings for each other…" Simon blushed so brightly that it eclipsed his cheek marks. "Evangeline is the only person I've ever met who makes me feel… safe. Like, all the time. I think… I think she's the one, y'know?"

Jane cupped her hands over her heart as a proud smile spread over her lips. "My little crescent roll… in love." She whispered, happily.

"Mom, are… are you crying?"

The queen stroked her child's cheek in a loving manner. "Yeah, I just… you grew up so fast, I… I guess I missed it."

Ryan shook his head as he interrupted. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Evangeline? Evangeline McSire? As in his squire? That filthy commoner from Dragontown?! Uh-uh! No way! My son is not bringing her into this family!"

"Oh, my Valek!" Jane fumed. "How can you be so cruel?! Our son is in love!"

"He thinks he's in love!" Ryan snapped back.

"Okay, maybe this was all a bad idea." Loxapine sighed. "I can recommend-"

"SHUT UP!" Ryan and Jane shouted at the psychiatrist in unison.

"Can you just think about his happiness for a minute?!" Jane pleaded. "He has a chance to experience true love like we did when we first met!"

"Oh, for - we were never really in love!" Ryan groaned.

"And how do you know that?!"

"BECAUSE, YOU STUPID WHORE, WHEN MY FATHER TOLD ME HE WAS MARRYING ME OFF TO YOU, I CAST A LOVE SPELL ON MYSELF!"

A deathly silence fell over the group.

"You're lying." Jane replied, accusingly.

"No, I'm not." Ryan growled. "It happened when I was fourteen."

Crescento and Ryan sat in the prince's room while the king discussed his plan to the boy. "And so, in exchange for granting us the power we'll need to influence the monsters, you have been betrothed to Jane Roachley. She's the second cousin to King Hortense Lucitor and seventh in line for the throne of the Underworld."

"Wait, 'betrothed?'" Ryan scratched his head. "That means I have to… marry… this girl?"

"Yes, my boy." Crescento explained. "It's already been arranged. That's why the red thread appeared on your wrist. I need you to do this for me, son. All I'm asking for you is a favor."

"Dad, you're… you're asking me to be someone's husband." Ryan sounded hurt. "I can't do that, dad. I don't like girls or boys. Not like that, anyway."

"Son, the fate of the kingdom is resting on this. I need you to do this." Crescento tried to reason with his boy, but to no avail. Then, the king got a rather wicked idea. "And, well, you don't want to end up like the last king in this family who backed out of an arranged marriage, do you?"

"Huh?" Ryan blinked in confusion. "Wha-what happened to him?"

"Well, let's put it this way…" Crescento slyly made his way to the bedroom door, prepared to retire for the night. "It was Eclipsine." Ryan's heart jumped into his throat as his father left a photograph of the Roachley girl on his nightstand. "Why don't you sleep on it, my boy? We'll talk more about it in the morning when the Roachley's visit for breakfast. Goodnight, son!"

Ryan fell backwards on his bed, still processing what his father had told him. Everyone in Mewni knew that Eclipsine Dragonfly was the most notorious criminal in history, but did it really start because he backed out of his arranged marriage? Unwilling to take such a chance, Ryan placed the picture of the demoness at the foot of his bed, picked up the scepter, twisted the diamond puzzle-cube at the top for the right spell. At last, the scepter charged itself for the spell as he gazed at the picture.

"Riddle me this; I pump my hardest to keep you alive, but if you fall in or out of love, I might not survive. What am I?" Ryan aimed the glowing scepter in front of his chest as he whispered the rest of the spell. "Answer; a heart."

The next morning, Ryan climbed down the stairs and saw his father speaking to two demons from the Underworld. As his eyes landed on the girl, Ryan felt his heart skip a beat. He immediately made his way towards her, took her hand in his, and kissed her knuckle. "Good morning, m'dear. You must be my beautiful fiance…"

The demon girl was highly flattered.

"And that is the only reason I ever seemed to love you." Ryan finished.

"I swear if I hadn't promised my father on his deathbed that I wouldn't kill you… I WOULD KILL YOU!" Jane roared in anger, causing a wall of hellfire to burst up behind her. "What kind of man just strings his wife along like that?!"

"Well, what kind of demon doesn't believe in divorce even though they're obviously miserable with the marriage?!" Ryan retorted. "You're fucking demons! You should hope for that sort of thing!"

The duo fell silent, glaring daggers at each other in blind rage. At last, the psychiatrist spoke up. "Okay, let's pick this up tomorrow."

Ryan and Jane watched as Loxapine left the room. That night, the king and queen went their separate ways for the night. Ryan twiddled the magic scepter in his hands, anxiously wondering what to do. His secret was out and now things between him and his wife were even worse. From what he understood, the only way to break free from his arranged marriage was if Jane decided to break it off on her own. Luckily, he was able to come up with a spell to convince her.

That night, Ryan discreetly climbed up the stairs to Jane's private chambers with the scepter in his hand. With every step, he twisted the diamond puzzle-cube at the top to charge it up for its task. Soon, he found himself quietly opening the door to her boudoir and tip-toed towards her bed. Jane mumbled something in her sleep, but he didn't pay it much mind.

"Riddle me this…" Ryan whispered as he aimed the scepter at his slumbering wife. "I make up dumb lymricks, I speak twenty dead languages, I pluck the monster gut strings of seven instruments, I am tall, I am a demon… what am I?" The scepter charged with the complex spell, emitting a brilliant light that nearly woke Jane up. With the scepter fully charged, Ryan finished his spell. "The answer; a cruel wife."

"Ryan?" Jane yawned out just as the light shot forth from the scepter and into her heart.

The demon queen clutched her chest in agony until something appeared to burst inside of her. Liquid crimson spewed out of her mouth, staining her husband's outfit and scepter as she fell to her knees and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Ryan stood petrified from shock as he realized what was happening. When he said he wanted to break Jane's heart, he had only meant it figuratively. He tried to reverse the spell, but it was too late; Jane's body crumbled to ashes with the exception of her horns.

Ryan dropped the scepter to the floor. "Oh, Stump… what have I done?"

"Dad…?"

Ryan turned to see his oldest son standing in the doorway. Simon had seen everything. Ryan was about to explain himself when the red thread on his wrist constricted again, bringing him to his knees. Five zombified arms broke through the floor and gripped Ryan's coat, dragging him into the ground. "Simon! Help!" Ryan dropped the scepter to reach out for his son's arms. "Please, son! Help me!"

Against his better judgement, Simon grabbed his father's arm and struggled to pull him up. The shy prince activated his mewberty form in an attempt to break his father free from the undead's grip. But no matter how hard he pulled, Ryan eventually slipped out of his grip, sending Simon stumbling backwards. Once the ground closed up, Simon was left alone in the dark with a pile of ashes and a blood-stained scepter.

To Be Continued!

Author's notes: Uh-oh, Ryan done goofed! Hey, did anyone catch that little hint that Ryan is asexual? Please read and review!

Also, some of you may have noticed that I changed the Index on page one. That's because when I first came up with this story, I didn't really know where I was going with it. Which is probably why there was a year-long hiatus. But now, I have a much better plan in mind. I hope you all like it.