Kel hovered in the hall just outside the King's chambers. The flickering torch threw shadows across her face.
The last time she had been in Roald's rooms was shortly after he had earned his shield. She had watched him stumble out of the Chamber of Ordeal. He had looked exhausted and fear shone in his eyes.
He couldn't say what he experienced inside the Chamber. It was forbidden. Many squires and pages said you would be cursed if you did, what it showed you would come true. But Keladry knew she played a part in it, for the first thing the newly knighted prince had done was seek her out.
They had returned to his rooms and the female squire could only wrap him in her embrace and whisper soothing lies, because even if she had known what Roald had seen that frightened him so much, she could not promise that such an event would never happen in the future.
As her knight master Raoul of Goldenlake had said, "When people say a knight's job is all glory, I laugh, and laugh, and laugh."
And it was true. Being a knight was more than a shiny shield and glorious victory on the battlefield. Knights were people of honor and duty. They protected the small, those unable to protect themselves. They raced to the aide of those that cried out for help. They buried villages after mud slides and hunted down immortals like Spidrens and Centaurs.
It was rough dirty work that Kel would never give up. Not after all the work she had put into earning her shield.
Except for Roald. She could still remember the first time he kissed her.
Kel had returned to the palace early. She had forgone visiting her parents in Mindelan in favor of traveling with the Own for one summer. Unlike the other seasons, in which they mostly dealt with natural disasters that affected towns and the occasional bandits, the Own spent the entire summer on the move, chasing one immortal after another, one kidnapper after another, and serving as labor for tilling the fields for planting in the fall.
The tall girl hadn't been happy with her early arrival.
It was the summer after the Grand Progress. Yamani Princess Shinkokami had been well received by the people of Tortall, Cleon had broken up with her, and she had realized that her passion for the red headed giant was a great as she thought and that a stronger fire yearned for the Prince's affections.
Kel had cursed to herself in Yamani when she realized that she was jealous of the girl she had used to play with. How could she have been so stupid as to fall for Roald? He was the crown Prince. He was above her station, out of her league. She would never have a chance with him even before his betrothal.
She wasn't sure what it was that finally made her acknowledge her affections. Maybe it was all of Cricket's questions, wanting to know everything about the man she would wed one day, questions Kel had all the answers to. His favorite meal, a succulent, tender rib with caramelized vegetables and hash. How many languages he spoke, one but he was learning Yamani and Scanran. What he did to relax, enjoy a fun practice bout with a friend or read history books. Did he have a Gift, yes, he could heal. There were many more, his daily routine, his closest friends, his relationship with his parents, how did he feel about women learning the ways of a knight, how would she describe him. Kel had an answer for every one of them.
Maybe it was how even after they were both squires they would still meet in his rooms for study nights whenever they were both at the palace. Maybe it was the time he had said he admired her for risking four years of training to save Lalasa, who everyone else viewed as just a servant girl. Maybe it was the one time she had danced in his arms, or how he congratulated her from knocking him off his horse in a joust. Maybe it was because he treated her as both a female and a knight in training.
It was a million of little things that seemed so small on their own, but when put together painted a larger picture.
She, Keladry of Mindelan, was in love with Prince Roald of Conté.
So, cognizant of her feelings, and knowing that it would only hurt her down the road to harbor them, Kel had resolved to stay away from her fellow squire as much as possible.
She had failed spectacularly. Not even a week into her being back at the palace she had run into the prince. Literally. They had crashed straight into each other and Kel had been sent flying towards the ground from her incoordination after a summer's growth.
He had caught her with ease, almost as if she didn't have two inches and twenty pounds on him.
For a moment she had been stunned, partly because he had managed not to drop her, but mostly because of his smile. She had not known it at the time, but Roald had been limited to the palace all summer, and away from prying eyes and the well wishes of his people, he and Shinkokami had the time to talk about their betrothal. The princess of the Yamani Islands had softly admitted there was someone she loved back on the islands, but that she could not refuse the emperor. Roald had admitted his own feelings for the only girl willing to become a knight.
The two royal children had become closing after disclosing their deepest secrets, both relieved that the other was not entering the marriage with hopes of it turning into true love. Shinko had told Roald he could chase Kel's skirts so long as he was discreet. She was not callous enough to deny him the chance to be with the girl he loved because she couldn't have her happy ending.
So Roald had been overjoyed to bump into his crush and it showed on his face.
And seeing his true emotions, not just those he revealed through his princely mask, Kel had been dazzled, had forgotten she was trying to avoid him, and accepted his invitation for a mock spar.
Afterwards, he had tucked her short bob behind her ear, drew her left hand up to his mouth, and ghosted his lips over her bruised knuckles. "You look beautiful, Kel."
Kel had felt herself redden. She was dressed like a man, in tunic and leggings, which were crumpled and torn, covered from head to toe with black and blue blemishes from jousting practice with Raoul. She didn't even deserve a 'you look good.'
And then he had completely stunned her by stealing a quick kiss.
Kel didn't know how long she had stood there, watching his retreating back until long after he had disappeared from her sight.
After that day she had known it was futile. She had lost, surrendered herself to emotions she wasn't allowed to feel.
Roald had started a tradition that day, taking her by surprise with a quick kiss when he caught her alone. She had questioned once, sometime after the eighth kiss, what he was doing kissing her when he was to marry Shinkokami.
Kel foolishly took that to hope that the betrothal would be called off, only to have her heart broken almost a year later when he said he would be going through with it.
She had stormed away from him, itching to slap him for leading her along, for letting her believe she could ever be with him outside the shadowy alcoves of the palace. She had vented her frustration on several tilts at the quintains.
After that day she made sure to never be alone with the prince again.
But, despite the terrible heartache that day had caused her, she could not get rid of her feelings so easily. They weren't like her hair, able to be cut on a whim. Scars of the heart were never dealt with so nicely.
And now all her former feelings for the dark haired man were building up, threatening to burst. And they only compounded her nervousness.
Kel had slept beside a man before, but she had never actually lain with Cleon or Dom. She had no experience in these matters and only knew what was expected of her because of her sisters', Adalia, Oranie, Patricine and Demadria, and her sisters-in-laws' Vorinna and Tilaine detailing their exploits and gossiping over what they did in bed and whose husband was the best at pleasing them.
But she had no experience herself. What was she supposed to do when Roald opened his door? Should she just lay on his bed and let him take her? Should she try to enjoy it? Should she take this as her chance to be with him, with his wife's approval nonetheless?
Kel quietly knocked on his door, which swung open before she could step back into the shadows, almost as if he had been standing by the door waiting for her.
Roald stepped aside and she slipped under his arm and into his rooms.
She bit her lip anxiously as he led her over to his luxurious bed. The same bed he had lain with the Queen in. All of a sudden the enormity of what she was doing hit her. She was going to have the King and Queen's child. What would she tell her family when they heard rumor that she was with child? What would Shinko do, for it would be rather obvious if she suddenly gave birth with no warning?
How did she ever think she could get away with this deception?
Roald had misinterpreted her hesitancy. "There's no need to be shy, Kel. I'll show you what to do. Just trust me."
Kel couldn't bring herself to tell him about her worries, that her family would be shamed, that she might be disowned, that she didn't think they could hide this secret on their own. His voice was so gentle, so loving, that she let go of her blank mask for one night and allowed herself a chance she thought lost.
Afterwards she snuck out of his chambers, ignoring his pleas for her to stay the night there and not responding to his mumbled "I love you."
She would not let herself be fooled again. She might be able to be with him as a husband and wife are, and she would give him a child that was half her, but she would not allow herself to love him.
This was a favor for her King and Queen. The man she loved and the friend she cherished. And it would be no more than that. It did not matter that she loved him and he loved her, or that Shinko had given her approval. She would not make the mistake of hoping for more.
Kel knew her place. She was a convenient womb to bear children. She would give Tortal and heir, and after the child was born she would take up her shield again.