Chapter 8

The morning sun cast a warm, inviting glow through my bedroom window. I stretched out lazily, my mind gradually emerging from the haze of sleep. But even in the tranquility of that moment, my thoughts were immediately drawn back to the events of the previous night – events that had left me feeling both exhilarated and disoriented.

Callie's touch lingered in my mind, her hands on my skin, her fingers tracing paths of heat along my body, on my neck, on my breast. I looked down at my night shirt and I could almost feel her fingers flicking my nipples. I closed my eyes, but that wasn't helpful. I could feel her hands in my hair, tugging my closer, kissing me hard as if her life depended on it. I could almost feel her warm skin… almost. It was a memory that seemed to play on repeat, an unrelenting loop of sensations that I couldn't escape. As I lay there, tangled in the bedsheets, I couldn't help but wonder why Callie's touch felt so different – so much more intimate – than any touch I had experienced before.

My mind was a whirlwind of confusion and conflicting emotions. I had always prided myself on my discipline, my ability to compartmentalize and focus on my goals. But now, in the aftermath of that stolen moment with Callie, I found myself questioning everything I thought I knew about myself.

Was it possible that I had been suppressing something deeper, something that had been simmering beneath the surface all along? And why did Callie's touch feel so... right? Was it because she knew what she was doing, because she had experience that I lacked? That had to be it right. I mean I asked her of she had slept with girl before and she said yes. She knew what she was doing.

Shaking my head as if to clear away the fog of confusion, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and sat up. I needed to get out of this room, to clear my mind and gain some perspective. With a determined sigh, I got up and began to get dressed, the fabric of my clothes a welcome distraction from the thoughts that threatened to consume me. I had practice everyday at 6am and usually I was on time. If not on time I was early. But today I needed to do something first and if it meant I might have to be a couple of minutes late, so be it. I grabbed my sweatshirt, put it on before leaving out the window.

I texted Lia hoping she was awake. It was 5:30 am, who am I kidding. Any sane person would be asleep at 5:30 am on a Monday morning. But I had to talk to her. The last I saw her was at Callie's party, I was too drunk to remember what was going on, but I needed to clear somethings between her and me.

Usually, Tim would drive the two of us to practice, but today I think I might as well run to school after I finished. I heard my phone ding. Perfect! It was Lia, she was awake. There was no turning back now, we are having that conversation.

Before long, I found myself standing outside Lia's house. Lia, my girlfriend, the person who had been a constant in my life. As I rang the doorbell, I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for the thoughts that had been swirling in my head. I was here to see her, to be with her – but my mind was still on Callie.

The door opened, and there she stood – Lia, with her familiar smile and warm eyes. She greeted me with a soft hug, and I forced a smile, trying to push aside the turmoil that had been churning within me.

"Hey, you," Lia said, her voice soft and soothing. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?"

"I don't know," I replied, trying to keep my voice in control. "Maybe?"

Lia's smile faltered slightly, and I could tell that she was trying to gauge my mood. She had always been perceptive, able to sense my emotions even before I voiced them. It was a quality I had once admired, but now, it felt like an intrusion into the chaotic mess of my thoughts.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," Lia began, her words tentative.

"I know I've been a bit distant lately, but practice has been so demanding, and I just needed some time to myself." I know it was a dumb excuse but with Callie joining the swim team, my captaincy at risk and the state championships being almost three weeks away, I'm allowed to be a bit unhinged.

"It's okay," she replied, my voice carefully neutral. "I understand."

Lia's expression softened, and she reached out to cup my cheek. "You know I care about you, right? I didn't mean to make you feel like I'm pushing you into something you don't want to do."

A wave of guilt washed over me as I looked into her eyes. Lia's concern was genuine, her affection evident in the way she touched me. And yet, in that moment, all I could think about was Callie's touch – the way it had ignited a fire within me that I had never experienced before.

To quiet the tumult of emotions threatening to spill over, I leaned in and pressed my lips to Lia's. The kiss was hard, almost desperate, a reflection of the chaos within me. Lia responded eagerly, her arms wrapping around me as our bodies pressed together. It was a moment of intimacy – a moment that was meant to reassure both of us.

But as our lips moved together, I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt. Guilt for using Lia as a distraction, guilt for allowing my thoughts to drift to someone else even as I held her in my arms. And then, just as suddenly as the guilt had surfaced, it was replaced by a surge of desire, fueled by memories of Callie's touch.

As the kiss deepened, Lia's hands began to roam, exploring my body with a familiarity that should have been comforting. And yet, my mind remained stubbornly fixated on Callie – on the way her fingers had traced patterns on my skin, on the heat that had pooled in the pit of my stomach, in my nether regions.

It was Lia who finally broke the kiss, her eyes drawn to the side of my neck. Her brows furrowed, and she reached out to gently brush her fingers over the discolored mark that marred my skin.

"Hey, what's this?" Lia asked, her voice laced with concern. "Did you scratch yourself last night?"

I hesitated for a moment, my mind racing to come up with an explanation. "Yeah, I think so," I replied, my voice unsteady. "I must have done it in my sleep or something."

Lia's gaze lingered on the bruise for a moment longer, her expression thoughtful. "You should be careful," she said softly, her fingers still tracing patterns over the mark. "I don't want you hurting yourself."

I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest. The weight of my deception hung heavy in the air, a reminder of the secrets I was harboring. And yet, even as I wrestled with guilt, a part of me couldn't help but feel a strange sense of relief. Lia had bought my explanation, allowing me to preserve the fragile illusion of normalcy that I had carefully constructed.

As Lia leaned in for another kiss, my mind remained divided – torn between the person I was with in that moment and the memories of another's touch that continued to linger. It was a conflict that I knew I couldn't ignore forever, a battle between my heart and my head that would ultimately force me to confront the truth about my own desires.

But for now, as our lips met once again, I allowed myself to be swept away by the sensation – a temporary respite from the storm of emotions that raged within me. And as Lia's arms enveloped me, I pushed aside the questions and doubts that threatened to consume me, focusing instead on the present moment and the illusion of normalcy that it provided.

"Listen, I should get going, I'm already running late for practice."

Lia nodded before hasty kissing on my lips one final time before taking off for school. I wasn't terribly late just ten minutes, that wasn't so bad. I could sneak in unnoticed and just say that my swimsuit got snagged or something.

But I wasn't so lucky.

Coach Webber's stern gaze settled on me as I approached him after practice. "Robbins," he said in a tone that brooked no nonsense.

I swallowed nervously, my heart racing as I stood before him. "Yes, Coach?"

His arms were crossed, and his expression was a mixture of disappointment and frustration. "Late again, Robbins."

"I know, Coach, and I'm really sorry," I replied earnestly.

He let out a sigh, his disappointment palpable. "You're the captain of this team, Robbins. Your actions set an example for the others."

I nodded, fully aware of the weight of my responsibilities. "I understand, Coach. It won't happen again."

His gaze remained fixed on me, his voice firm. "We're on the brink of the state championships, Robbins. We need every member of this team to be fully committed."

"I am committed, Coach," I assured him. "I've just been dealing with some personal stuff, but I won't let it affect my performance or my responsibilities as captain."

Coach Webber's expression softened slightly, his gaze searching mine. "I know you're dedicated, Robbins. I've seen your determination. But we can't afford any distractions right now."

"I get it, Coach," I replied, my voice resolute. "I'll make sure my focus is solely on the team and the championships."

He studied me for a moment longer before finally nodding. "Alright, Robbins. I'll hold you to that."

"I won't let you down, Coach," I promised.

He gave me a curt nod before turning away, his words a reminder of the expectations that rested on my shoulders. As I watched him walk away, a surge of determination coursed through me. I was committed to leading my team to victory, and I would do whatever it took to ensure we were ready for the state championships.

As the practice drew to a close, the tension in my muscles began to ebb away, replaced by a sense of accomplishment. And yet, even in that moment of triumph, my thoughts remained fixed on Callie. She was finishing her last lap, her body slicing through the water with a precision that bordered on artistry.

With a sense of determination, I approached Callie as she climbed out of the pool, water droplets cascading from her skin. "Hey, Callie," I called out, my voice carrying a hint of uncertainty.

She turned to me, her gaze curious. "Yeah?"

I hesitated for a moment, my mind grappling with the words. "I just wanted to apologize for being late today. It won't happen again."

A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips. "No worries. We all have our moments."

I nodded, grateful for her understanding. "Thanks."

As she turned to leave, I found myself blurting out, "Hey, wait."

Callie paused, her brow raised inquisitively. "Yeah?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat, the words tumbling out before I could fully comprehend them.

"I want to talk to you about-"

"About what?" She cut me off. "There is nothing to talk about!" She said as she started walking away.

I quickened my pace to catch up with her, the urgency of my words driving me forward. "Callie, please, just hear me out," I pleaded, my voice tinged with desperation.

She stopped abruptly, turning to face me. Her expression was a mix of annoyance and confusion. "Talk fast, then."

I took a deep breath, my heart racing as I struggled to find the right words. "Look, I know things have been... tense between us. And I wanted to address what happened at the party and with... you know" I didn't want to say 'hey can we talk about the fact that you took my virginity and I let you.' Out loud.

Callie's eyes narrowed, her guard clearly up. "What, you mean when you practically ran out of my house like I had the plague? Or that you came over later and-"

I winced at her words, feeling a pang of guilt for my hasty exit. "I'm sorry about that, Callie. It wasn't fair to you, and I should have handled it differently."

Her skepticism was evident in her gaze. "Handled what differently? You kissed me, and then you bolted. They begged me to show you my ways, you used me. That is what happened. Seems pretty straightforward to me."

I took a step closer, my voice earnest. "It's not that simple, Callie. There's a lot going on in my head right now."

She crossed her arms, her frustration palpable. "Enlighten me, then."

I hesitated, unsure of how much to reveal. But I knew I couldn't continue to avoid the truth. "I've been having conflicting feelings, Callie. About..., about everything."

A flicker of surprise crossed her features, and for a moment, her guard seemed to waver. "Conflicting how?"

I took a deep breath, my gaze steady as I met hers. "I've been with Lia for a while, and I care about her. But there's something about you – something that I can't ignore."

Callie's eyes searched mine, her expression a mix of curiosity and caution. "And what exactly am I supposed to do with that information?"

I took a step closer, the intensity of my emotions driving me forward. "I don't know, Callie. I just needed you to know that I am struggling with this. With my feelings for you."

She scoffed, a bitter laugh escaping her. "So, what? You're looking for my permission to explore your feelings while keeping me on the side? That is not how this works."

"No, it's not like that," I protested, my voice urgent. "I just needed to be honest with you – with both of us. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't pretend that what I'm feeling isn't real."

Callie's gaze softened slightly, the anger in her eyes giving way to a hint of understanding. "You know, Arizona, I'm not here to be some sort of distraction for you. If you're not sure about your feelings, maybe you should figure that out before you involve anyone else."

"I know, Callie, and I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "I didn't mean to drag you into this mess."

She let out a sigh, her shoulders relaxing slightly. "Look, I get it. Emotions are messy and complicated. But you need to figure this out on your own. I won't be a pawn in your confusion."

I nodded, acknowledging her words. "You're right, Callie. I need to sort this out."

"Until then, we are teammates. You made it clear we are not friends and until you are done thinking things threw, lets just pretend that yesterday didn't happen."

"I can't do that Callie! You took my..." I looked around nervously to see if anyone who hearing us. "My virginity, I know that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me."

Callie pulled off her swimming cap as she freed her hair. "What do you want from me then?"

"I want us to be normal?"

"And what is normal?"

"That's what I don't know, that's what I'm trying to figure out!"

Her gaze held mine for a moment longer before she turned to leave. "Good luck with that."

As I watched her walk away, more confusion settled over me. The conversation hadn't gone exactly as I had hoped, but at least I had been honest – with Callie and with myself. It was time to confront my feelings, to untangle the web of emotions that had been spinning around me. And as I stood there, the weight of the truth settling over me, I knew that the journey ahead wouldn't be easy, but it was one that I needed to undertake.