Chapter 31
A Query in the Cold
(Part One)
When I arose the next morning, it was cold.
A sudden drop of temperature had struck overnight, plunging the night air merely a handful of degrees above freezing. The insulation in our apartment was far from perfect, and I shivered as a draft allowed the frigidity of the outside world to infiltrate our home. With a murmur, Raiha turned over in her sleep and curled further into her futon, and I glanced down at her face as I got up to begin my day.
Things are simpler when you're in elementary school.
Somehow, that thought made me laugh to myself. My own problems weren't quite the end of the world either - even if they had felt like it the previous night. While I still wasn't happy about the situation, I had eventually decided to try and avoid catastrophizing. In the end, the ones who controlled how much time we spent together were Yotsuba and me.
Eventually, Raiha and my dad woke up, and we had a nice breakfast together. As we ate, Raiha rambled about the anime she'd been watching, a monologue I'd tried to follow despite having no idea what she was talking about. The most recent episode of 'Five Piece:Re', the sequel series to Five Piece which had begun coming out after the movie's theatrical run, had apparently ended on a dramatic cliff-hanger, something Raiha was explicating on in a suitably melodramatic fashion over her meal.
I made a mental note to ask Yotsuba about it when I saw her next. If I remember...
After finishing our food, my dad took Raiha to school, and I departed on my own after waving goodbye. November had come in full force, and I was shivering on my way, my uniform jacket drawn close against my skin in a desperate attempt to cling to my body's warmth. A ward against the cold.
Arriving at the school gate, I was grateful to hurry across the grounds and step through the front door. While the air inside of the school wasn't all that much warmer, at least the wind was kept off by the thick walls. Opening my footlocker, I changed my footwear, my sock-bound feet having all their warmth leached away by the cool floor.
As I closed the locker, the sound of the school door opening again rang out across the room, and I glanced over to see the Nakano quintuplets entering the school.
Yotsuba was the first to notice me, and waved as she came up to me, a gesture I returned with a smile. The rest greeted me in their own ways, save Nino, who distinctly turned her nose up with a hmph. As she walked by, I narrowed my eyes at her, a gesture she no-doubt saw - but, to my surprise, she simply turned and walked away instead of prolonging the confrontation.
Shaking my head, I turned to Yotsuba, who had a frustrated look on her face. There was a strange anxiety to the way she was standing, shifting her weight from foot to foot with her eyes locked onto me.
Is... something wrong?
"Morning. Are we still good for tomorrow?" I asked, an acidic, coiling feeling slithering in my gut - a feeling I'd come to recognize quite well as anxiety.
Oh no. It's contagious.
Yotsuba hesitated... and then nodded, a frustrated look on her face.
"I should be, I think. I tried asking Eba-san about adjusting the schedule, and she mentioned something about Saturdays in passing, but she hasn't gotten back to me about it - so I'm going to assume I'm free. I'm hopeful that we can move the Tuesday session to Sundays moving forward, so that I have Tuesdays free after school..."
She trailed off, an awkward look on her face - but a sense of warmth passed through my chest at her words, and I couldn't help but smile.
"I'm just glad you're trying. Thank you."
My reaction seemed to surprise Yotsuba, but after a moment's hesitation, she tentatively returned the smile.
"I'm still really sorry for overbooking like this, Uesugi-san. I just... I wasn't thinking, and-"
"It's fine," I said, shrugging. "As long as you don't ditch me entirely. That would suck."
"I wouldn't do that!" Yotsuba protested loudly. A few students around the room looked over at us, but I didn't particularly care.
"Then we're fine," I smiled.
Yotsuba's face lit up at my words, and my own mood lifted in response to her smile.
"Ok, sounds good! Thanks- um, I mean... yeah. Thanks. A-Anyways, I have to go - but I'll see you at lunch, Uesugi-san!"
I raised a hand in farewell, and Yotsuba bounded away, her step considerably lighter than it had been when she'd arrived. Watching her go, I could still feel a stupid smile on my face. As I shook my head, I picked up my bag and threw it over my shoulder - then, smacking my cheeks a few times, I turned to leave just as Itsuki walked over, a wry look on her face.
"How goes 'Operation-Just-Talk-To-Her?', hmm?" she asked drily.
"You're as bad at naming operations as Yotsuba is," I shot back.
"Huh?"
"Nevermind," I sighed, shrugging. "Let's head to class."
I set off walking, and after a few moments Itsuki followed behind me. We were both silent as we travelled through the halls, the only sound the pair of discordant footfalls and the chatter of other students that we passed.
As we continued, though, I began to develop the distinct feeling that there was something I was forgetting - and then, as we rounded a bend, I stopped dead in my tracks as it hit me. Itsuki rounded the corner and walked face-first into my back, making me stumble forward.
"Eh? Uesugi-kun, what's wrong?" she asked, a look of confusion crossing her face as she reached up and gingerly grabbed her nose..
"Sorry," I said, turning to face her and awkwardly rubbing my head in embarrassment. "I just remembered - the tutoring session. How was it?"
After a moment's pause, Itsuki scowled in disbelief. "Seriously? You made me crash into you just for- ugh. You know what? Nevermind. Um..."
As she paused to think, she was silent for a few seconds. Then, the scowl lessened, and she shrugged. "It was... well, I can't lie. Compared to before, it was pretty good. Not perfect by any means, or even great, but... good."
Furrowing my brow, I nodded slowly. "I see. Could you give me more details?"
"Sure- but let's keep walking," she replied, the scowl returning. "I don't want to be late because somebody decided to smack my nose with his spinal column."
Rolling my eyes, I continued walking, and after a moment Itsuki set off after me, picking up the pace to walk at my side. As we continued down the hall, I could see her face contort in concentration, as though trying to determine the optimal way to present the information churning in her head. We walked past a group of girls from our class who giggled as we passed, though they stopped when I shot a glare at them. Itsuki didn't seem to notice.
"Well, first of all, he very clearly had a game plan this time, so that was nice. Practice tests, question sheets, the lot."
Turning back to her, my eyes widened in pleasant surprise. He actually listened to me.
"He was also a lot more... hmm, I'm not sure how to put this..."
I waited while Itsuki thought, her brow contorted in concentration. I noticed that she was chewing on her lip as she did so, and wondered absently if it was a habit of hers that I'd never spotted before. Eventually, her face straightened out and she nodded to herself.
"Patient- I think that's the best way to put it. He was quiet a lot, but not in the same way as he was before."
"What do you mean?" I asked, raising an eyebrow as we rounded another corner and approached our classroom.
Itsuki shrugged in response.
"Before, when he was silent, it was because he was at a loss for words, or because he wasn't paying attention to us. Now, though, it feels more like he was silent because he wanted us to try and reach the answers ourselves - like he was waiting to see how we did before jumping in. I don't really know how to explain it. Sorry."
"No, no- that's fine," I murmured as we reached the door to the classroom, making a mental note to compliment Takeda next time I saw him. "So, I guess that just leaves the most important question."
Itsuki arched an eyebrow in confusion.
"Was it effective?"
She pursed her lips, her cheeks swelling slightly as she thought. For a moment, it vaguely gave her the appearance of a chipmunk, an observation which I found silently amusing.
"...I think so. Maybe. I guess we'll see," she eventually said.
"Hmm. Well, that's good enough for now, I guess," I shrugged, sliding the door to the classroom open. "I'll consider my anxiety about this slightly appeased."
"Oh? Were you worried about us, Uesugi-kun?" Itsuki teased. "How sweet of you."
"Yeah, I was- because you're all idiots," I scowled at her as we walked into the half-full classroom. "I'm worried you're all going to flunk out and get sent back to elementary school."
"E-Elementary school?! Uesugi-kun, you- mean! That's so mean!"
"Don't forget your little yellow hat," I grinned at her as I flopped into my chair. Itsuki pouted at me, but I could tell from her face she wasn't that upset. As she returned to her seat with a huff, I heard whispers from the other students, but I just rolled my eyes and ignored them.
What else is new?
Classes passed quickly, and I soon found myself sitting at my usual table in the cafeteria, with Yotsuba settled into the seat across from me. I was testing her with exam questions as we ate, and it was clear to me that there'd been some regression since the midterms. As my thoughts drifted to her commitments to the track team, I could feel a wiggling sense of anxiety in my chest.
I don't see how she's going to have enough time to study...
The feeling that we were leaving even a modicum of Yotsuba's fate in Takeda's hands made me uncomfortable, despite his recent change of attitude - residual discomfort from our butting heads during the midterms. I was forced to wonder what, if anything, I could do to rectify the situation, to give her a better chance of succeeding. To give her-
"Uesugi-san?"
I realized I'd been zoning out, my food halfway between my bowl and my mouth, flashcards limply held in the other hand. Lowering my chopsticks, I took in the worried look on Yotsuba's face, and shook my head.
"Sorry, my bad. Let's keep going."
It's too early to be giving up, idiot.
"Oh, wait- actually, I had a question for you. Raiha's been talking to me non-stop about this anime series..."
I was determined to do everything I could to help - and I got my chance the next day when I went over to the Nakano apartment to study. Slightly past noon, I stepped off the bus, and stared up at the towering apartment building that served as the quints' home. It had been a few weeks since I'd come by... and the intimidation factor had returned now that I wasn't as time-pressed.
Muttering and shaking my head, I walked up the street and approached the front door. Pushing the relevant buttons for the intercom system, something with which I was well-versed at this point, there was a ringing sound, and then Yotsuba's voice came out.
"Hello?"
"It's me," I said, shivering slightly.
"Uesugi-san? Come on up!"
There was a buzz, and then the line went dead. The door swung open, and I gratefully entered the heated lobby. Stepping into the marble-floored elevator, I sighed, my new coat dropping loosely over my shoulders. For some reason that I couldn't quite place, I was nervous, which was absolutely ludicrous.
How many times have I been here at this point? There's nothing to be nervous about.
Eventually, the elevator pulled to a stop, and the door slid open. Stepping out into the hallway and turning to the familiar door, I reached out for the handle- and then found that I was hesitating.
Why? You're just here to study.
Chastising myself, I turned the handle, and stepped inside.
"Uesugi-saaaaaaan! Hi, hello, come in!"
Hanging up my coat, I glanced into the main room to see Yotsuba furiously waving at me from the couch - and in front of her was an assortment of chips and dips, though I noticed that it was a smaller collection than the previous times I'd been here. Nevertheless, the spread was, indeed, still fantastic.
"Hey," I said, flopping onto the couch next to her, my bag landing in my lap. "Looks like you went all out on the snacks again. Looks good."
"Ehehe," Yotsuba laughed sheepishly, her hand rubbing the back of her head. "I wasn't able to do as much as before; Eba-san really went hard on us on Friday, and so I ended up oversleeping today."
My eyes narrowed at that. "I see. Hopefully she's also giving you sufficient recovery time - you need to still pass your exams."
"Don't worry, I'm going to give it my all!" Yotsuba said, throwing a salute. "I'll make you proud, Uesugi-san!"
"Right..." I said, suddenly feeling a bit flustered. "Well then, shall we begin?"
Clearing room on the table for our textbooks, we began studying. Beginning with Yotsuba's worst subject, mathematics, I was disheartened to see further evidence of backsliding in the weeks since the midterms. While she wasn't anywhere near regressing to the level she'd been at before we'd begun studying together, I'd hoped her results would serve as more of a springboard.
"No, you need to complete the square. We've been over this, remember? It was on the midterm. You got this right on the midterm!"
Yotsuba seemed embarrassed as I complained - but also strangely happy, something I didn't quite understand. Each time she made a simple mistake that she ought to have known, I had to struggle to control my frustration; yet, the more my emotions seemed to boil over, the more delighted she seemed, even if it was clearly tinged with shame on her end as well.
I have no idea what goes through her head sometimes.
As we continued working on math problems, I heard soft footsteps, and glanced over my shoulder to see Ichika descending the stairs. With a loose shirt that draped off one shoulder, her outfit was giving her a very sloppy look that paired well with the mild bedhead announcing to the world that she'd only just woken up.
I glanced over at the clock. We'd already been studying for almost an hour. It's past one o'clock...
"Hey, Fuutarou-kun," she murmured as she walked over and leaned on the back of the couch between us, stifling a yawn. "Good morning."
"Good afternoon," I replied with an eye-roll, looking up at her. "You don't have work today?"
Ichika froze for a second, and then relaxed. I briefly wondered if she'd momentarily forgotten that I knew about her career choice, but since the lazy smile she gave me hid any other emotions she may have been feeling, I had no way of knowing.
"No, no," she said, shrugging. "There was no work to do today, so I have the day off."
"Well, that's nice," I said, glancing back at my textbook. "Though, I can imagine you'd prefer to have more work to do."
Ichika lightly laughed as she pushed off the couch and walked into the kitchen. "Yeah, well... maybe."
"Good luck."
Looking up, I saw Yotsuba glancing back and forth between us - but the look on her face wasn't the conflicted one I'd occasionally seen surface in recent weeks, the unreadable morass of emotion that sometimes stuck to her face like sludge. Instead, the look was easy to read.
Surprise, with a dose of suspicion.
"Uesugi-san," she asked, narrowing her eyes after a moment. "Would you happen to know what Ichika's job is?"
Ah... whoops.
"Uh... I plead the fifth," I said, looking back down at my textbook.
"You can't plead the fifth, you're Japanese!" she exclaimed.
"Tch, my own retort turned back against me months later," I muttered, shaking my head. Then, without elaborating, I turned the page of my textbook.
"Hey, Uesugi-san! Answer the question!" Yotsuba complained, leaning over and staring at me, her nose mere centimetres away from my cheek. I could feel my face beginning to heat up, my cheeks and ears almost certainly flaring up red, and I turned my head to glance over at Ichika in the kitchen - but as I did so, my nose swung past Yotsuba's, almost hitting hers, our eyes facing one another for a fraction of a moment before I looked past her.
Yotsuba recoiled a centimetre in shock before resuming her attack, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.
I could see Ichika turned away, her shoulders trembling. It was blatantly obvious she was trying not to laugh.
Is this what I get for trying to keep your secret?!
"How about you stop pressing me for answers," I said carefully, leaning back to open up some distance between us, "and you ask your sister who is losing her mind over there."
"Huh?" Yotsuba asked, pulling back - a reprieve - and furrowing her brow. "What do you mean...?"
She turned to look at Ichika - and then the suspicion on her face grew, if possible, all the more severe.
"Ichika, what's so funny?"
"S-Sorry," she said, turning back to face us and wiping an eye. "But just... Fuutarou-kun, your panicked face is hilarious."
"Panic?" Yotsuba asked, confused, looking back at me.
I scowled at Ichika, and if anything, her teary grin deepened as we made eye contact. Then, shaking her head, she turned her gaze onto Yotsuba, who glanced back at her, and a more serious look crossed her face.
"Yeah, he does - he found out by accident while we were on the camping trip. I've been keeping it a secret because... nevermind. I'm going to tell you all at some point. You know... eventually. Once I feel ready."
At her sister's words, Yotsuba fell silent. After a moment of looking at Ichika, she glanced over at me, and the look in her eye caught me by surprise. There was still suspicion, of course, but there was also something else distorting what I was getting from her, a thin layer of emotion stretched thin atop the expression on her face. I wasn't quite sure what it was- a curling of the corner of her lips, a drawing of her eyes, the way the light caught on her blue irises.
At first, I'd thought it was jealousy.
Then, a moment later, I recognized it as guilt, and a moment after that I realized the cause.
Ah, right. She has a secret of her own with Ichika.
I'd promised not to pry, back in the darkness of the woods. When Ichika had begun asking Yotsuba questions about my supposed past connections.
To Ichika.
To her.
So, I didn't pry.
I kept my mouth shut. I didn't say anything else, instead turning back to my textbook, avoiding Yotsuba's eyes.
But... the itch was there. Beneath the surface, wanting to know the truth.
I want to know what she knows.
After a moment, Yotsuba joined me, and we continued studying silently. I glanced over at her; her eyes were wide, staring down at the textbook.
Well, that's certainly an expression.
Ichika watched us for a few seconds, and then turned back around in the kitchen. There was a rumbling sound, and I glanced over to see that she was messing around with some sort of device on the counter. Eventually, she came over to join us with a steaming cup of coffee in her hands. Curling up on the couch perpendicular to ours, she watched us pore over our textbooks, a vaguely amused look still playing out across her face as she sipped her drink.
After a few minutes had passed, I heard another set of doors open from up above, and Miku and Itsuki both came down the stairs. Miku quietly walked over and greeted me, but her sister seemed to be in far more of a rush. Giving me a brief hello, Itsuki was across the room in a flash - as soon as she'd spoken, she was at the door throwing on her coat.
"Huh? Itsuki, where are you going?" Yotsuba called over, her brow furrowed as she turned to look at her sister.
"Ah-" Itsuki froze, her hand on the door handle. "I... have an... appointment? I am going to the library. To study."
My eyes immediately narrowed. That was a weird way of wording it...
"Bye!" she called, and then immediately fled through the door.
As the door closed with a click, I glanced over at Yotsuba, who was still staring at the entryway.
"Suspicious?" I asked.
"Very suspicious," she said, glancing over at me. "Very, very suspicious."
"On a scale of one to ten, how suspicious would you say it is, Corporal Yotsuba?"
Yotsuba perked up, and fully turned to look at me with a cheeky smile. "Oh, indeed, my good sir - why, 'tis impossible to measure! Her levels of suspicion do be off the charts, m'thinks!"
"Hmm, so above a six?"
"I think six is smaller than infinity, Uesugi-san," Yotsuba laughed. "Maybe. Probably."
I snorted, then glanced over at the door. "Yeah, let's press her on it later."
"Ooh, an interrogation!" Yotsuba grinned. "I love interrogations! I'll go visit the drama club again for props!"
Laughing, we turned back to our studying. Miku had wandered over to the kitchen, and was searching for something in the fridge. She eventually returned with a green soda can in her hand, some sort of matcha-based drink. Hovering by the edge of the couch, she looked down at the two of us with a hesitant look on her face.
"Fuutarou... Yotsuba... is it ok if I join you?" she murmured, her hand gripping the can. I noticed absently that her hands were shaking slightly.
"Sure, feel free to sit - it's your house, after all," I said, indicating at the free spot next to me.
"That's not what I mean," she said, shaking her head, the headphones wrapped around her neck twisting with her as she moved. "Can I... can I study with you?"
I paused, and turned to glance at Yotsuba, who was looking up at Miku. The look was back on her face again - the confusing admixture of emotions that seemed to cloud her face more and more often, especially when her sisters were involved. Then, maybe she noticed my gaze, because the look cleared up; though whether her feelings were resolved, or if she had just tried to hide them, I didn't know.
"Sure," Yotsuba said brightly. "If you're ok with it that is, Uesugi-san!"
I eyed her carefully, looking for... something. Some sort of hint as to her true feelings on the matter. Yet, there was nothing to see, no crack in the mask, and so I gave up. Turning back to look up at Miku, I nodded - but then frowned.
"Just so you know," I said, shifting slightly on the couch to make more room for her, "we're doing math at the moment."
Not social studies.
"Oh... ok," Miku said, a note of disappointment entering her voice. "I'll go get my stuff. Um... thanks."
As Miku walked back up the stairs, I glanced back over at Yotsuba - but she was pointedly looking down at her textbook again, and I decided to just drop it.
Upon Miku's return a few minutes later, we began to study in earnest. It was nice - but having four different people involved (as Ichika had begun occasionally piping up with comments and questions) made me feel a bit claustrophobic. I made a point of answering fewer questions, choosing instead to focus on my own studies, something which went unnoticed by Ichika and Miku... but I could feel the prickle of Yotsuba's gaze as I studied differential equations. She could tell I was getting uncomfortable.
Unconsciously, I shivered.
It also didn't help matters that Miku kept somehow guiding the topic to Sengoku warlords, despite the subject being math. I was almost impressed by the subtle ways that she found to derail whatever we were talking about onto the subject of social studies - but as I guided the session back onto the topic of mathematics yet another time, I could feel myself beginning to get irritated.
Calm down. I'm sure she's not even doing it on purpose.
Sighing, I closed my textbook, and leaned back to rub my temple. Looking up at the clock, I could see that it was getting to be quite late in the afternoon; Yotsuba and I'd been at it for close to five hours. As if on cue, there was a clicking sound, and the front door opened to allow Itsuki back in.
"Welcome back!" Yotsuba called from her spot on the couch. "How'd your session go?"
Itsuki scowled at her sister before shaking her head. "It was fine, but please don't word it like that. It freaks me out."
Ignoring Yotsuba's confused look, she hung up her coat, took off her shoes, and then stepped into the apartment. Surveying the room, she strode over to the table, grabbed a chair, and dragged it over to the coffee table where we were all sitting.
"Ichika, you're actually studying?" Itsuki asked, an eyebrow raised.
Laughing awkwardly, Ichika scratched her cheek. "Well... maybe a little. I'm mostly just listening. You know I like math."
Giving her a look, Itsuki turned around to look at me- but as she opened her mouth to speak, there was once again the sound of a door opening from up above, and the final sister emerged from her room. Leaning over the balcony, Nino stared down at our motley group, and her eyes narrowed as they met mine.
"Oh," she said, a hint of irritation in her voice. "You're here."
I sardonically waved up at her, and she rolled her eyes back at me. Then, descending the stairs, she entered the kitchen and began hunting for something- but then she paused, and looked over at me.
"No bento today, huh?" she asked with a sudden note of smugness.
I looked down at my bag- and then froze.
"Ah, shoot, I knew I forgot something."
Groaning, I put my head in my hands. Yotsuba reached over and patted my shoulder, and I sighed.
"Well," Nino said, a sudden note of uncertainty entering her voice, "I guess I wouldn't be entirely against cooking a bit extra for you. Since you don't have any food, after all. Maybe."
I looked up sharply in surprise and glanced over at Nino - and saw that she was looking away from me, staring away to the side. I thought I saw her biting her lip, and I wondered if it was because she was conflicted... or if it was something else.
Well, having me around for dinner must be a pain in the ass for her.
"I appreciate it," I said, bowing my head. She looked over at me, let out a hmph, and then turned away again.
I... don't know how to take that.
After a moment of staring after her, I turned back to the table and got back to work.
I could feel Yotsuba shifting on the couch next to me.
About five minutes later, there was a buzzing sound that vibrated the entire table, and Yotsuba picked up her phone. Her eyes scanned over the text quickly, and then I saw her hand suddenly tighten on the device, her knuckles whitening. Gingerly putting the phone down, she took a deep breath, and then sighed - and I got the distinct impression that she was trying to calm herself down.
Then, she turned to face me.
"Uesugi-san," she said quietly.
"Yeah...?" I asked, leaning back on the couch, putting down my notes.
"That was Eba-san."
I could feel my blood run cold. I was sure my eye involuntarily twitched, since Yotsuba's face grew more strained at my reaction.
"...What does she want?" I eventually said.
"She wants us to have a team run."
"When?"
"In two hours. At seven."
I just stared.
The moment stretched out between us, both making unblinking eye contact. I wondered, in that moment, if we were both thinking the same thing. I didn't know - not for the first time, I found myself wishing I could read minds. Wishing I could do more than just make feeble attempts to read emotion from her face.
"Is she insane?" I asked quietly.
Yotsuba just shrugged helplessly.
Another moment of silence, our eyes locked.
"Are you going to go?"
"No!" Yotsuba said quickly, looking down at the phone. "N-No, I'm not going to- it wouldn't be right. I can't do that. Not when you came over and... no."
Yet, her words rang hollow. I could see the conflict on her face.
"...Ok," I said quietly, turning back to my textbook. There was a pang in my chest... but I tried my best to suppress it.
I could feel eyes on the both of us - the others staring, each with their own private thoughts. Four onlookers, each with their own perspective, each inaccessible to me. Fundamentally unknowable. Somehow, that thought made me uncomfortable. Like I was being peered at through a magnifying glass, a specimen for observation. I shivered, my pencil scratching across paper in an attempt to distract.
Twenty minutes went by - and the entire time, I could see Yotsuba growing more and more distracted. Her eyes, flickering away from the page to her phone. Her efficiency, dropping like a stone. Her hand, occasionally moving involuntarily towards the device of its own accord before returning to her studies.
I could tell she wasn't making progress at all.
Eventually, sighing, I leaned back on the couch, and rubbed my eyes. I could feel the beginning of a headache coming.
"Ok, break time," I muttered. Yotsuba dropped her pencil, and Miku let out a huge yawn.
I looked up to see that Itsuki was staring at me from across the table. Silently, she raised an eyebrow at me, and I just shrugged.
I don't know what you want from me.
There was a sudden urge in my chest to go home. To stop getting in Yotsuba's way - so that she could drop everything and just go to her track practice.
To not be a burden.
It took everything to wrestle it down; to recognize it as my own insecurities rearing their head. It was, ultimately, her choice.
Her choice, huh?
Yotsuba was looking down at her phone again.
Her hand was trembling.
Her choice...
"Your time is important," I murmured, leaning over to near her ear. "She doesn't have a monopoly on it."
A shiver seemed to go up Yotsuba's spine as I spoke, and a pink tinge danced across her face- but silently, she nodded. Typing something quickly on the phone, she heavily put it down on the table, the case clattering on the lacquered wood.
"You're right," she breathed, staring down at the device. "You're completely right."
Leaning back on the couch, she laid her head back horizontally, and put her hands over her eyes. She let out a deep sigh, her shoulders visibly slumping.
There was a moment of silence, where I simply watched her. The twitch of her lips, uncertainty and indecision written across them despite her protestations.
It's her choice... and I shouldn't stop her. She needs to make this decision herself.
"That said," I said, biting my lip, "if you want to go... I can't stop you."
Yotsuba sat bolt upright, and looked at me in surprise. I couldn't see my own face, but I had a sense that it was a mirror of hers - of indecision, and discomfort, and a tinge of vulnerability. I was watching her, as she was watching me. Waiting to see what she would decide.
"I... I can't do that," Yotsuba muttered, looking away from me.
I bit my cheek looking at the back of her head - at her hair, falling in curtains about her head. At the ribbon drooped above her, a visualization of her inner conflict. The slight tremor running through her body, betraying the conflict raging inside.
She said she can't go. Not that she doesn't want to.
"If you want to go, go," I said, a bit more forcefully. "You're not getting much done while you agonize over this."
Yotsuba turned to look back at me, her brow furrowed.
"Are you sure? I would feel like... like I wasted your time, and-"
"Yotsuba," I said, gritting my teeth. "Look at the clock."
She looked over at the clock hanging on the wall above the television.
"Yes...?"
"We've been studying for over five and a half hours. I'm not going to be mad if you decide to go. Just... make sure it's a decision you're comfortable with. Don't do this for Eba."
She was silent.
"You will be losing studying time by going, but that's a decision you need to actually make. Stop taking me into account - it's up to you."
Yotsuba turned back to look at me, and I could see her resolve wavering. It was apparent in her eyes, in the way she looked at me. The way that the sea-blue changed in the lighting, a subtle shift in emotion. Clear skies becoming stormy seas.
"...Ok."
Yotsuba picked up her phone and fired off a quick text, and then stood up.
"Sorry, Uesugi-san," she murmured, shaking her head. "I think I'm going to go after all."
"That's fine," I said, looking away from her. "Have fun."
Despite saying that, I could feel a stone in the pit of my stomach, a weight churning in its depths.
What am I doing?
Glancing over at Itsuki, there was a hard-to-read look on her face... but I thought she might have been angry. Frowning at her, I raised an eyebrow- and she rolled her eyes at me before looking away. My frown deepening, I looked down at my textbooks.
Did I make the wrong decision?
Yotsuba quickly cleaned up her textbooks and notes, and carried them up to her room. She returned a few minutes later with a duffel bag slung over her shoulder.
"I'm sorry again, Uesugi-san," she said, a pained look on her face. "I'll think of a way to make it up to you!"
"Don't worry about it," I said, shaking my head. The weight in my stomach grew heavier. "Just have a good time."
"Right. Well... bye!"
Then, she was gone.
There was a silence in the apartment. None of the other girls present were looking at me.
Sighing, I leaned back on the couch and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I... guess I should probably go, huh?"
"You can still stay for dinner if you want. It's fine."
I looked over and, to my surprise, identified the speaker as Nino. She wasn't quite looking at me - but the look on her face was somewhere between embarrassment and pity.
I didn't like that look on her face.
"Besides," Miku said quietly from my right. "We haven't finished covering the Ounin war yet."
Pursing my lips, I looked over at Itsuki, who shrugged. Sighing, I glanced back over at Nino, who was watching me from the kitchen, and nodded.
"Um... thanks for having me."
Nino shrugged wordlessly, and looked away. I turned back to my textbooks, and tried to throw myself into studying. A few minutes later, Ichika got up and returned to her room, leaving me behind with just Itsuki and Miku - but without Yotsuba there, I found that my heart wasn't in it, and eventually we gave up and just switched to playing cards.
Dinner was awkward, but we made the most of it. At the very least, I was grateful to not be expelled to the frigid balcony again. I couldn't help but notice that Nino had, once again, given me a slightly larger portion than anyone else - I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I wasn't sure I liked her doing things for me out of pity.
Once we'd finished eating, I prepared to head down and catch the bus. Pausing in the entranceway, I turned to look at Nino, who was leaning on the kitchen counter scrolling on her phone.
"Hey, Nino?" I called. She looked over at me silently, a neutral look on her face as she raised a single eyebrow.
"Uh... thanks for the meal. I seriously appreciate it."
Both her eyebrows raised, evidence of her surprise. Then, she shrugged.
"Whatever. It's no big deal to cook an extra portion anyways."
Having said her bit, she turned away from me - but I could have sworn that, as she turned, a smile slipped over her lips.
"Don't bother bringing a bento next time," she said, moving over to the dishwasher. "I don't want such low-quality food in the house."
Frowning, I bit back a retort, and turned back to putting my shoes on. I wasn't sure if she was insulting my (and by extension, Raiha's) cooking, or trying to tell me in a roundabout way that she would feed me any time I came.
...Maybe both? Bloody queen of mixed signals...
As I rose, sighing, I sensed movement to my right. Glancing over, I saw Itsuki walking over, a shawl wrapped around her shoulders.
"I'll come down to the lobby with you," she said quietly. I just nodded warily in response, and threw on my jacket. Then, we both exited the apartment.
As we stepped into the elevator and the door closed, she turned to look at me.
"So," she said quietly. "You know what I'm going to say, right?"
"Probably something about me wasting my opportunity here," I muttered, not looking at her.
"Bingo. What were you thinking? You had an obvious opportunity to talk to her about the dance, and everything you're worried about. Why? Why did you tell her to go?!"
I stared silently at the elevator wall as we slowly descended. I wasn't entirely sure of the answer to that myself. It had just felt like the unselfish thing to do... but now I was wondering what my own motivations had actually been.
Am I running away?
"Maybe part of me doesn't want to talk to her about it," I sighed, not looking at her. "Like... if I press the subject when she doesn't want to talk about it, things will change. They'll break. I can't shake the feeling that she won't tell me, even if I ask... and so, why even ask? Besides... I don't want to be the one holding her back from her track aspirations."
Itsuki snorted. "That's nonsense. You won't actually know that she won't tell you if you don't ask. Also, that captain of hers is being completely unreasonable, only letting her know this late."
I was silent.
Finally, Itsuki sighed. "Look, I get it. It's a lot easier to say 'just talk about it' from the outside. But... you can't keep dancing around the subject. I've seen the way you've been looking at her since that night. You think you're being subtle, but you're not. It's like you're on edge all the time, trying to figure her out from a distance. You need to get this settled. So, when you get another opportunity... take it."
The elevator door slid open, and we stepped out into the lobby.
"You're right," I muttered. "It is easier to say it from the outside. But... ok, look. Next time I'm alone with her, I will. I don't know if you've noticed, though, but the opportunities for that have gotten pretty slim."
Itsuki frowned. "What do you mean?"
"We're not alone at lunch, there are people everywhere. Mondays and Thursdays she has Takeda, and every other day of the school week, she has track. This was my chance. I can't do anything about it until next weekend."
"You still have tomorrow," Itsuki said quietly.
I stopped, my hand on the bar for the door. Turning back towards Itsuki, I frowned.
"That's... hmm. Actually, that's true. I do still have tomorrow. I'll ask her."
Fishing my phone out of my pocket, I typed out an e-mail to Yotsuba as Itsuki stood there watching me.
{Hey, I have something I wanted to talk to you about. Are you free tomorrow?}
Firing the email off, I stared down at it.
"I probably won't get a response for a while, though, I'm sure they're probably about to start their run," I said, shaking my head. "I'll keep you updated on if-"
My phone buzzed.
{Sorry, Uesugi-san, I have another track practice tomorrow. Eba-san announced it once we got here. I'm pretty annoyed about it.}
Flipping the phone around, I showed Itsuki, who lowered her head into her hands.
"What the hell is she thinking?" Itsuki groaned. "I know she wants- ugh, never mind. Maybe you're right about having to wait. I'm going to give that girl a piece of my mind when she gets home."
"Don't," I muttered. "This is what she chose. She needs to live her own life, and she isn't responsible for my anxieties. I doubt she even realizes."
Itsuki frowned at me. "Well... maybe. You're being remarkably understanding about this. Apart from anything else, I would have thought you'd be more worried about the amount of study time she's missing."
"I am worried," I said, shaking my head and resting my hand on the bar to open the door. "I can't make these decisions for her, though. She needs to decide on her own priorities, and if I'm not- I mean, if studying for the exam isn't a priority for her... I can't force it. I can't force her to do anything."
"Uesugi-kun..." Itsuki said softly, a note of worry entering her voice.
"Anyways, I've got to go," I said, pushing the bar and stepping out onto the street. "I'll see you on Monday, Itsuki. Thanks for walking me down."
Silently, she nodded - and then I was striding down the street to the bus stop.
Alone.
Standing in the dark of a November night, the wind picking up, I looked up at the inky black sky. The stars were, for the most part, blotted out by the clouds that draped the heavens, visible only by the cast light of thousands upon thousands of street lamps. Shivering, I pulled my jacket in closer, waiting for the arrival of the bus to carry me home.
Anything to keep out the cold.
"You're not being understanding," I whispered to myself, my breath visible in the air in front of me, illuminated in its turbulent currents by the light from above. "You're just scared of her answer."
Coward.
Sunday came, and I didn't ask Yotsuba any questions. I didn't ask her about the night we had danced, and the way her eyes had looked as they reflected the twirling and swaying flame. The feel of her head on my chest, her soft fingers sliding through mine, interlocking and holding tight, promising in silent whispers to never let go. The sadness and guilt on her face, the finality of her voice.
On Sunday, I didn't ask her about any of those things.
Instead, the memories ran like wildfire through my mind, rough-shod, and I found that all my efforts to study were meaningless. I was consumed with thoughts of her.
So, I ate ice cream with Raiha instead.
It was chocolate mint.
Raiha won some sort of prize which meant she got another free ice cream. She promised to share with me when she got it.
On Monday, I once again didn't get a chance to talk with Yotsuba - she was having lunch with her sisters, and I was left watching from afar.
Snap out of it. You're catastrophizing again.
I was so pre-occupied with my own thoughts, watching her from my usual spot, that I didn't notice there was someone standing over my table until there was a sudden clearing of the throat. Jerking back, I looked up to see Takeda standing with his tray, a single eyebrow raised.
"Might I join you, Uesugi-kun?" he asked, a smile resting lazily on his face.
"Ah... sure," I said, shaking my head and turning back to my tray of food. "Go ahead."
Takeda slipped into the seat opposite me, an assortment of goods on his tray. As I watched him, he picked up a bowl, and handed it to me.
"...What's this?" I asked, furrowing my brow.
"Tribute, my dear Uesugi-kun," he said, winking at me. "After all, I cannot ask your aid without providing recompense, no?"
I frowned. "If you word it like that, it makes me feel like I'm bullying you out of lunch."
"Hah! Hardly! 'Tis simply an exchange of goods. You give me knowledge. I give you karaage. Seems fair, does it not?"
"I... can't really argue against that logic," I murmured, pulling the bowl closer to me. "Thanks."
The karaage was delicious, and far more filling than the watery rice I had been eating. Glancing over, I saw that Takeda had begun digging into his own meal. Part of me wondered, quietly, if he'd picked up on my financial situation - he had been the one to suggest lunch as compensation for my guidance in the first place.
I wasn't sure how I felt about that.
"So," I said, munching on a piece of karaage. "Tell me about the session."
"It went rather well, if I do say so myself," Takeda beamed. "I did as you instructed - I let them work on the problems, helping when I felt they'd given it an honest attempt, and exhausted their options. It seemed that Nakano Itsuki-san in particular was quite receptive to that method. Nakano Nino-san and Nakano Ichika-san were more resistive, but I think that probably would have been the case no matter what I tried."
"Probably," I frowned. "You didn't win any friends with your previous approach. Especially with Nino."
"Quite," Takeda said simply. "Ah well, I must simply work harder. I think I'll follow the advice you gave me at the bonfire - to simply try to speak plainly with them. Perhaps then they will show their hearts to me."
"Uh... right."
I tensed up at the mention of the bonfire, and glanced back over at Yotsuba.
To my surprise, our eyes met- and after a moment's hesitation, she gave me a wave. Tentatively, I waved back, and she gave me her signature wide, cheeky grin. As she went back to the discussion she was having with Ichika, I could feel warmth filling my chest, like embers suddenly given fresh life by the bellows of a forge.
I suddenly felt a lot better.
Have I always been this easy?
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," I said, turning back to Takeda. "Ultimately, your job is to get them to pass the exam. In order for that to happen, you need to face them honestly. So... good job on that. Sounds like you've got Itsuki on board at least."
"Yes, and Nakano Miku-san has also been moderately receptive as well. So, I'm hopeful we can make sufficient progress. That said, finals approach quickly. We'll have to work quite hard to make it there in time."
"Yeah," I said drily, my eyes wandering back over to Yotsuba, who was now gesturing wildly about something. "I'm very aware of that fact."
I need to work harder.
On my way back to the classroom after lunch, I shot Yotsuba an email.
{Lunch tomorrow?}
Her response was almost immediate.
{Of course! Also, do you want to study again this Saturday? I'm really sorry I bailed on you last time!}
I could feel a grin splitting my face.
{Of course.}
Putting my phone back into my pocket, I was humming as I walked into the classroom, still smiling like an idiot.
A day later, the source of my smile was sitting across the table from me, her head in her hands.
"What's the fundamental trigonometric identity?"
"Um... Sine squared plus cosine squared equals one?"
We were studying, once again, for the finals
"Correct. What's the Sine law?"
"Um... um... shoot, I don't remember!"
As always, mathematics was kicking her butt. Sighing, I gave her the answer and then jumped to the next flashcard. I could see that her food was going completely uneaten in her concentration, and eventually I shook my head and stowed the flashcards.
"Hey, wait- I can keep going!" Yotsuba protested weakly.
"No," I replied firmly. "Knowing when to stop and take a break is an important skill. Driving yourself onward relentlessly is counterproductive - burning out does nobody any favours. Nor does skipping meals."
A pout crossed Yotsuba's face, but eventually she acquiesced. As we dug into our respective lunches, I eyed her up. There was a weariness to the way she was carrying herself, to the way her shoulders sloped as she ate her food. I wondered if I was imagining it.
"Hey, Yotsuba," I said, putting down my bowl.
"Mmm?" she replied, looking up from her soup.
"Is it alright if I come watch your track practice again?"
Yotsuba finished sipping, and swallowed. Then, she tilted her head in thought.
"I mean, I don't see why not... assuming Eba-san is ok with it, of course. Won't you be bored, though?"
"No," I shrugged. "It's interesting, and makes for a nice change of pace."
Part of me wanted to add that I just wanted to spend more time with her - that with her track meets and her sessions with Takeda, I'd been feeling like I wasn't spending nearly enough time in her company. That I missed her. Yet, that felt like a ludicrous thing to say when she was sitting right in front of me, and the words caught in my throat.
And so, they went unspoken.
"Well, in that case, I don't see why not!" she said, smiling at me.
And so, it came to pass that I found myself walking towards the track with Yotsuba at my side at the end of the day. On the way, Yotsuba had popped into a washroom to change quickly into her tracksuit, leaving me waiting patiently outside. As we approached the bleachers that ringed the long oval, I could see Eba standing with a hand on her thrust-out hip, an aura of irritation surrounding her.
I couldn't help but wonder how much of that was because she'd spotted me.
"Nakano-san," she said by way of greeting. "You're late again."
"Eh? I am?!" Yotsuba asked, jumping slightly at the aggressive opening, before bowing her head. "I'm deeply sorry, Eba-san!"
Eba's eyes of iron flitted away from Yotsuba onto me, and a distinct look of distaste crossed her face. Yet, I refused to look away, unblinkingly maintaining contact. I could feel her stony visage reflected in my own, as unyielding as forged steel.
I don't like her. At all.
Yet, even forged steel is not invulnerable, and eventually I blinked.
A slight smirk snuck across Eba's face, and my disregard for her deepened.
"So. You're here again," she said quietly, eyes narrowed.
"Yes," I replied. "Is that a problem?"
Eba paused for a moment, seeming to taste the words in her mouth before saying them. It was obvious what she was doing by dragging things out, by enforcing unyielding eye contact on me. I could see Yotsuba looking back and forth between us out of the corner of my eye, a worried expression on her face.
I wondered if she'd realized how blatantly Eba was trying to assert her dominance.
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes," Eba eventually purred. "It is."
The atmosphere of the track grew icy, as cold as the frozen steel in her eyes as she sized me up. I bit my lip, trying to silently gauge how far I could push things.
I shouldn't pick a fight with Yotsuba's captain.
My eye twitched.
I really shouldn't pick a fight with Yotsuba's captain.
"And what would that be?" I said as smoothly as I could, doing my best to not break eye contact. If anything, the smirk on her face widened.
"I've decided you're a distraction," Eba said, shaking her head. "You're going to cause problems for Nakano-san if you stay - and so I'm exerting my authority as captain."
I heard a sharp intake of breath from Yotsuba to my right, and desperately wanted to look. Instead, however, I tilted my head slightly at Eba.
"Elaborate," I said, my voice unwavering.
The captain suddenly seemed a bit off-kilter, perhaps not expecting the response. She took a moment to recompose herself, and then her eyes narrowed.
"When you were here for the practice last week," Eba said softly, a hint of venom entering her voice, "I caught her glancing over at you instead of focusing multiple times. I can't have our star athlete distracted so regularly. So, I'm sorry, but- you have to leave."
"Eba-san!" Yotsuba exclaimed indignantly, but Eba ignored her.
"I see," I said, finally breaking eye contact to glance over at Yotsuba. Her face was beet-red, clearly in equal parts from embarrassment and from indignation. Yet, as I looked at her, I could feel the expression on my face soften.
I can't hold her back.
"Well," I said softly, looking back at Eba. "If that's the case... I suppose I have to go."
"Uesugi-san, you don't have to-!"
"Yes, he does," Eba said, some of the bite gone from her words as she glanced over at Yotsuba. "I need you in peak form for this track meet - and that means having you in peak form during practice."
"But-"
"Yotsuba," I said, shaking my head. "It's fine. I'll just see you later, ok?"
At my words, Yotsuba seemed to wilt slightly, her ribbon drooping... but then, after a moment, she rallied, and nodded sombrely. Turning back to Eba, I could feel my irritation rising again; but, I made an effort to suppress it. There was no point in fighting with her.
"Just don't make her over-do it," I spat, more venom in my voice than I'd intended. "I'm not having her fail the exams just because you decided that running was more important than school. You don't get to decide that - only she does."
Ah- I said too much. ...So much for suppressing it, I guess.
Before Eba could reply, I turned on my heels and started walking back to the school. Glancing back, I could see Yotsuba looking after me with a sad look on her face - and I felt a pang of guilt. I raised my hand in farewell, and she returned the gesture before trotting after a furious-looking Eba.
Wandering back into the school, I felt... listless. As the adrenaline of my interaction with Eba wore off, there was a feeling of loss that flowed over me. I almost certainly wouldn't be able to attend any practices in the future now, which meant that her practices were time that was definitively closed off to me. I hadn't necessarily been welcomed the first time, but...
Did I make a misstep somewhere?
As the image of Eba's face reared in my mind, I shook my head.
No.
No, I hadn't.
What had happened was a product of Eba's possessiveness over her new star runner. Nothing more, and nothing less.
At least, that was what I told myself.
Wandering the halls, I thought back on what had happened since returning from the camping trip, and cursed my own inability to act. My own words, whispered to myself in the depths of the night came back to me... and I squared my shoulders. I could feel my wrought-iron willpower beginning to reassert itself. Refusing to let me run away any more.
I'm a lot of things... but I'm not a coward.
"On Saturday," I murmured. "I'll get my answers then."
Eventually, my wandering feet found their way to the library. Stopping in front, I adjusted my bag on my shoulder, and hesitated. I wasn't really in the mood to study - yet my will, honed over years of forcing myself, refused to let me slack off due to something as pedestrian as loneliness.
One didn't reach the top of the year by giving up whenever there was adversity.
Gently sliding the door open, I walked over to my usual spot, determined to throw myself into my studies... only to find that it was already taken.
In shock, I slipped back behind the bookshelves, and peeked out.
Sitting shoulder-to-shoulder at the table, speaking quietly in the empty library, were Itsuki and Takeda.
A/N: Happy New Years! Thank you to everyone who has read my fic in 2023, and I hope you'll stick with me in 2024! It's kind of crazy to think that, at this time last year, I was only just playing around with the basic premise of How We Met Again, with the first chapter not even having been written yet. Yet, here we are together, over 200k words later. It's amazing how time flies.
This chapter and the next were originally one, very long chapter - but it was reaching the point of just being too much, despite how much I felt like it was thematically connected. When all was said and done, the chapter would have been well over 14k words. While that would have been fine for my other fic, that's not what I want for this story. As such, I decided to split them up. The next chapter will be posted in a week, give or take - the second half requires a little more editing than the first.