Chapter 32
A Query in the Cold
(Part Two)
"Ah, no, see- the Ounin war is widely agreed to be the beginning of the Sengoku period, that's why it's included in the curriculum. Yet, it's not an umbrella term - it is but one war within the Sengoku period. The two are hardly synonymous."
"Oh... hmm, right."
I shrunk further back behind the bookshelf where I had instinctively stepped to hide myself. My eyes narrowed as I peeked at the two of them sitting together, heads leaned in as they spoke. As Takeda continued explaining the beginnings of the Sengoku period to Itsuki, who was nodding along to his explanation, my head slowly tilted in confusion - she looked tense, her shoulders hunched up as though shielding herself.
What the hell is this?
Whatever it was, I wouldn't find out by hiding. Shaking my head, I stepped out from behind the bookshelf and approached the duo.
"Yo."
Both jumped at my greeting, and turned to look at me. Itsuki's face flushed, while Takeda simply beamed at me.
"Ah, Uesugi-kun! Why, you surprised me! Pray tell, what brings you here?"
"This is my usual studying spot," I said, my eyes lingering on Itsuki as I spoke. I hoped she could read the psychic message I was trying to burn into her with my eyes. It was simple enough, after all, readily understandable from my face.
Why didn't you tell me?!
Maybe Itsuki understood, because she looked away from me and whistled softly. I could tell she was embarrassed. Rolling my eyes, I re-adjusted my bag on my shoulder.
"Do you mind if I join you?" I asked carefully, glancing back and forth between Takeda's eager face and the back of Itsuki's head, the red hair tumbling down over her shoulders doing an adequate job of hiding her face from me.
"If Nakano-san has no objections," Takeda nodded. Itsuki was silent for a moment, before quietly muttering her assent. As I sat across the table from them, I could feel a smirk creeping its way onto my face.
Don't make fun of her. Don't make fun of her. Don't make fun of he-
"So, Itsuki... what's this about?" I asked, trying desperately to restrain the full-on grin that was threatening to break out over my face.
I could see her start at my question.
"W-Why, Uesugi-kun, I have no idea what you're talking about," Itsuki said, turning to look at me with a pained look on her face. "Is it that weird that I'm getting help from my tutor?"
"Yes," I said honestly. "Extremely yes."
Itsuki blanched, and then lowered her head into trembling hands.
"I- ok, fine, fair enough," she eventually sighed. "I'll tell you."
I waited. Itsuki raised her head, and then looked away from me, her face strained.
"Uh... After the session on Thursday, I mentioned to Takeda-san that my individual studying wasn't going very well, and... he offered to help me outside of our tutoring sessions."
"I see, I see," I said, stroking my chin. "So is that why you were being so shifty on Saturday? Because you were going on a tryst with-"
"Don't," Itsuki said flatly, turning back to glare at me. "Of all people... you don't get to make that kind of joke, Uesugi-kun."
"Wait, what? Why not?!"
"Mr. 'Love-is-stupid-and-for-people-who-peaked-in-high-school', who's currently completely consumed in his own drama, doesn't get to make dumb jokes about a completely innocent meeting between a girl and her tutor!"
"...Duly noted. My bad." I said as I bowed my head, suitably chastized.
Itsuki seemed to relax at my words, and I made a mental note to hold off on teasing her about the subject. It seemed like a sore point.
Takeda was glancing back and forth between us, a confused look on his face. I shook my head at him, and he shrugged at me. Itsuki didn't seem to notice the exchange.
"Anyways," I said, grabbing my bag off the floor. "Don't let me interfere. Please, continue - I have my own studying to do anyways."
After a moment's pause, Takeda nodded, and continued his explication to Itsuki on the Sengoku period. At first, the explanation had been punctuated by her awkwardly glancing at me every few seconds - but eventually, she had fallen back into the flow of things, and seemingly more or less forgotten I was there.
It was my first time seeing Takeda's tutoring. Every description I'd received before had been second-hand; either from one of the quintuplets, or from Takeda himself. Quietly listening as he explained things to Itsuki, I could see a few flaws in his methodology- that said, it was definitely improved compared to what I'd heard from Itsuki in the weeks before the camping trip.
Somehow, seeing the signs of his improvement gave me heart - a sliver of faith that at least some of Yotsuba's study time wasn't being entirely wasted.
It was obvious that Itsuki wasn't yet entirely comfortable receiving individual tutoring from Takeda - though her body language seemed more relaxed than it had when I'd been peeking on them earlier. As I opened my own textbooks and began to study, I occasionally glanced up to see her actively engaging in the session; asking questions, trying to make things click for herself.
Answering practice questions.
Then, answering more questions.
Then, even more.
I guess he took the thing about getting them to answer questions to heart.
That thought brought a slight smile to my face.
Eventually, it grew late, the light through the small windows at the top of the library's walls beginning to fade, and the two of them decided to wrap up the tutoring session. As Takeda rose, I raised a hand, and he glanced over at me.
"Do you want some feedback?" I asked.
Takeda pursed his lips, and glanced over at Itsuki, who was rummaging through her bag. She looked up at him, looked at me, then shrugged her shoulders.
"Don't mind me," she said, before looking back down at her bag. "Besides, I might like to hear it too."
After a moment to process her words, a frown crossed Takeda's face. Eventually, though, he turned back at me, and nodded. "Please."
"Right," I said, furrowing my brow. "First off, I appreciate that you've taken seriously my advice about getting your students into hands-on practice as quickly as possible. I can already see just from watching that it's paying dividends. In particular, I liked that you let Itsuki guide the pace of the session, rather than dictating it yourself."
Takeda nodded, a pleased look crossing his face.
"That said, it feels as though you may have swung too far the other way."
The smile vanished.
"What I mean by that," I elaborated, "is that you may have taken your hands off the wheel a bit too much. While it's good that you're giving your students space to guide the session, you need to remember that you're still the tutor for a reason. The macroscopics are in your control - overall pacing of the sessions, the syllabus... those sorts of things. You need to strike a balance, and it felt as though things have gone a bit too far in the other direction."
I could see Takeda deflating by the second, and I was struck by a pang of guilt.
"That said, over-correcting is pretty normal. Don't worry about it. You've improved in leaps and bounds, and I'm sure things will only get better from here."
"...Right," Takeda said softly, glancing away. There was a look on his face that was a bit difficult to read - a mixture of frustration, pride, and a bit of bitterness. He didn't seem angry, though.
It's frustrating to not be perfect. I would know.
"You know, Uesugi-kun," Itsuki piped up, zipping her bag shut and standing up, "for someone who despises the idea of being a tutor, you seem to know a lot about it."
My eyes widened. "No, I- That's not what this is, I-"
Itsuki raised an eyebrow at me, and after a few more moments of stumbling over my words, I fell silent. A quiet seeped into the room, filling the air between the three of us. Eventually, I looked away from her, my vision trained on nothing in particular.
"I had a good example to learn from," I murmured.
Itsuki was quiet for a long moment, her eyes narrowed as she looked at me. Yet, I didn't say anything else, and eventually she shook her head and left. Takeda went with her, finally leaving me alone in the library. As the door slid shut out of view, the sound echoing through the room, I hunched up in my chair, drawing my legs up close. Staring down at my textbook, I could feel my lips purse.
There was an ugly feeling in my chest. A constriction. Acidic, and unwanted.
Something in the cage, something deep within, was laughing.
Mocking.
Shaking my head, I returned to studying, my mood soured. Unabated, I drove on until eventually getting an email from Raiha telling me to come home; packing up my bags, I left the library in a foul mood, memories forced away at the steel tip of a sword.
The next day, Wednesday, I once again didn't see Yotsuba at all - including at lunch. As I looked over at the quintuplets' table from afar, I could see that she was missing; what she was doing or where she was, though, I had no clue. Returning to my food and my flashcards, I had wordlessly stared at the empty chair across from me.
The silence amidst the miasma of chatter was deafening.
Thursday.
Thursday, there was rain.
Walking past the streak-stained windows, I had glanced out at the empty track in the distance, not yet being used - and had wondered to myself if Eba was the sort of captain who would make her athletes train no matter the conditions. Who would send them out in the rain or snow just as readily as the sun. All for the love of running.
While I could understand intellectually, emotionally I knew it was something I couldn't grasp.
Yet another reason I don't play sports.
Entering the cafeteria and getting my food, I strode past the table of quints, greeting them quietly as I went. Yotsuba was once again absent - but this time, it was because she was already at our table, her tray set out before her, and her head pressed down on the cool linoleum. Pausing for a second, I tilted my head as I assessed her.
Then, sliding into the seat across from her, I reached across and flicked her ribbons.
"Hmmmm..." Yotsuba murmured, her voice dreary. "...Uesugi-san?"
"Hey," I said, leaning my head on one hand and gazing at her. "Good morning."
"Mmm... wasn't asleep," she muttered, rising up slightly to look at me.
Her bleary eyes told a different story. There were the barest hints of shadows beginning to form underneath, and I silently wondered to myself how much sleep she'd been getting.
"Yeah?" I said, flicking her ribbon again. "Could have fooled me."
"Uesugi-saaaaaaan," she whined. "Stop it..."
I couldn't help but smile. Pulling my hand back, I straightened up and rolled my shoulders. Yotsuba was still splayed out on the table, looking up at me from the ensconcement she'd created with her arms, a tiny fortress in the middle of the cafeteria.
"So, how was the practice after I left?" I asked. Yotsuba sat up, and poked at her food.
"Rough," she said, shaking her head. "Eba-san was pretty angry the whole time."
"Sorry," I said, a pang of guilt in my chest.
"Not your fault. I was upset at her too."
I raised an eyebrow, and Yotsuba uncharacteristically glowered. For a moment, she looked almost exactly like Itsuki. I normally didn't think much about the fact they were all identical, not having really considered it since Miku had tricked me on the school trip. In moments like these, though, I was starkly reminded.
"She didn't need to kick you out like that," Yotsuba muttered, lowering her chin back down into her arms again. "It wasn't nice."
"It was fine," I sighed. "She's the captain, she can do what she wants."
"I guess so," Yotsuba said, pouting. "It doesn't mean I have to like it."
"True," I replied amicably. "That said... I'm happy you're upset on my behalf. Really."
Her face reddening slightly, Yotsuba managed to smile at me. Despite her obvious exhaustion, as evidenced by every ounce of her body language, her smiling at me made my chest feel lighter, regardless of my worry. I returned the gesture, and she seemed to brighten even more.
"Ehehehe. Of course I'd be upset if someone treated you like that, Uesugi-san!" she laughed sheepishly. "People need to be nice to my Uesugi-san!"
"Your Uesugi-san, huh?" I said, my cheeks and ears suddenly growing hot.
Yotsuba froze- and her eyes widened. Rearing back, arms flailing in front of her, she began vehemently shaking her head.
"No- No, no no no! I- I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that people should be nice to you! That's not how I- oh no!"
"It's fine, Yotsuba, I'm just teasing you," I said, reaching over and bonking her gently on the head, my face still warm. "Relax."
"Geez," she pouted, an excellent imitation of her younger sister. "You're being mean, Uesugi-san!"
"Sorry, sorry."
At that, we both laughed, embarrassed yet companionable laughs. Yet, even as we did, there was a voice from deep within the cage, whispering. A quiet, melodious murmur, one at odds with the raging beast that had oft attacked the bars. It was ever-changing, a phantasmagoric quality to its tone.
What if she did mean it like that?
Wrought iron and frigid steel clamped down, sealing the offending emotion, the wayward thought, deep within the depths. Another padlock, another deadbolt. Another means of desperately preventing escape.
Another means of repressing what was within the cage.
Of course she didn't.
"Uesugi-san?"
I snapped to attention.
"Sorry," I said, shaking my head. "I wasn't listening. What did you say?"
"I said that Eba-san wanted to add another permanent training session on Sundays."
"Excuse me- what?" I snarled. "I can't believe that girl."
"I was super, super against it," Yotsuba said, nodding. "Luckily, she seems to have backed down. I don't think she expected me to say anything about it. Maybe I wouldn't have, if I wasn't already upset from her making you leave."
"Good," I scowled. "Keep standing up for yourself. Honestly, the nerve of her..."
"What I'm really hoping for," Yotsuba said, smiling, "is to take the Tuesday session, and move it to Sunday. That way, we can study together on Tuesdays again!"
I stopped short. I was pouring too much energy into being irritated with Eba.
Acknowledge the effort in front of you, Fuutarou.
"Yeah, you mentioned that before," I said softly. "Thank you."
"I'm trying my best," she said, shaking her head. "I think I might be able to convince Eba-san now. That's all I can do, right? I committed to doing this, after all."
"Yep."
There was a moment of companionable silence between us, and my eyes searched hers. There were myriad emotions on Yotsuba's face - exhaustion was one of them, a touch of frustration as well... but there was warmth, too. I couldn't help but smile.
"Well then, let's keep doing our best," I said, shaking my head. "You're going to kick ass in this track meet and pass the exams."
"Yeah!" Yotsuba said, pumping her fist. "I've got this - have no fear, Uesugi-san! I promise, I'm still studying tons. I'm not going to give up!"
"Good. So then... do you remember the equation relating the frequency and wavelength of a wave to its speed?"
"Uhhhhh..."
As the bell rang thirty minutes later, and we began packing up, I glanced over at Yotsuba, and tilted my head. "Are you still free to study together again on Saturday? No last-minute track surprises?"
"Yes, absolutely! Let's meet at the same time as last week, ok?"
"Sure," I smiled. "Sounds good."
I loaded my bag onto my shoulder, and began walking away, but then Yotsuba stopped me.
"Uesugi-san?"
"Mmm?" I asked, glancing back at her.
"I just remembered - you mentioned on Saturday that you had something you wanted to ask me?"
I froze for a moment, caught off-guard- and then my brain kicked in, and I shook my head as I looked around at the myriad students surrounding us.
"We don't have time now. It can wait until another time."
"Oh... Ok then!"
Yotsuba bounded off. Leaving for my own classroom, I felt as though Itsuki's eyes were boring a hole through my skull, her judgement lending fire to her gaze... yet when I glanced back at the quint table, she wasn't even there. In fact, none of them were - they'd all already left.
I'm delusional now, apparently.
The next day was Friday. I didn't talk to Yotsuba at all.
Lunch was a solitary affair. My eyes kept being drawn away from my notes, and my food, and my flashcards - always to the same spot. The empty chair across from me. Takeda had eventually come to debrief with me about his session the previous evening, but he couldn't remotely fill the space that Yotsuba usually occupied.
Though, the amount of noise he made definitely could.
The day bled into early evening, and I was in the library on my own once again. Empty, the only sounds the ticking of the clock and the scratching of pencil on paper. The time when Raiha would normally call me home was fast approaching... but I was restless. As though my iron focus, so long honed and sharpened on the whetstone of study, was suddenly dulled and useless - it was all I could do to drive myself to work for short spans of a few minutes at a time.
Eventually, cursing to myself, I was forced to give up.
Well, that was a pathetic display.
Packing my textbooks away in disgruntlement, I left the library and walked through the school hallways. The sun was already on the verge of setting, its refracted rays cutting through the sky and painting the clouds crimson. As I passed a window, I looked out on the track- and saw that they were still there, their distinctive red tracksuits cutting a stark image against the aura of dusk.
They were doing timed dashes. I couldn't make out all the details, but I could see that the runner lined up at the starting line had long, midnight black hair tied in a ponytail flowing behind her. Coupled with her lightning speed as she took off, I could easily tell it was Eba.
A bubbling morass of irritation stirred in my chest, but I forced it down.
Why is this upsetting me so much?
The focus of my gaze shifted, my pupils accommodating to bring it in near. My own reflection in the window, visibility heightened by the dying light outside contrasted with the fluorescence in the ceiling above.
The look on my face was one I'd seen before - but not on my own face. It was a look that I couldn't accept. It was absolutely ludicrous, almost laughably so.
Am I... jealous?
Feeling disturbed and unsure, I turned away from the echo of Yotsuba's unreadable expression, and kept walking.
On Saturday morning, the weather had once again taken a turn for the worse, temperatures dropping overnight to only a few degrees above freezing. It was as though the wind and the air were heralding the slow approach of December, and of the finals, only a handful of weeks away. When I had risen in the morning, there had been frost on the apartment window, though it had quickly dissipated with the rising of the morning sun. As the time finally came to depart for the Nakano apartment, I made sure to wear additional layers beneath my tightly-wrapped jacket.
"Good luck, Onii-chan!"
Stepping off the bus, I pressed the buzzer for the Pentagon suites, and was soon up on the thirtieth floor removing my coat and my shoes. The apartment felt empty, somehow - Ichika had left for work long before my arrival, and Itsuki had left shortly after I settled on the couch. Miku was holed up in her room as well, and so I would have been entirely alone with Yotsuba- were it not for Nino, who was sitting at the table reading a fashion magazine and doing her nails.
I couldn't blame her: it was her own home, after all. That said, I couldn't help finding it a bit frustrating. There was no way in hell I was letting Nino find out about the things I wanted to ask Yotsuba.
"What's the function of -ly words in English?"
Yotsuba scrunched up her face - she was neither particularly skilled nor weak in English, but it was an area which couldn't be neglected.
"Are they... adjectives?"
"Wrong, on two fronts. One, I asked what their function is, not what category they fall into. Two, they're not adjectives."
Frowning again, Yotsuba scratched her chin.
"Um... hmm... oh! Adverbs!"
"That's still not their function, but I guess I'll accept it," I sighed. "They modify a verb, which does make them adverbs."
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Just because you know the word 'adverb'," I scowled, "doesn't mean you remember what an adverb actually is."
Yotsuba pondered that for a second, before pumping her fist against her outspread palm.
"I see!"
"Do you?" I asked drily.
"Yes! Ok, I think I understand this passage now. 'He swiftly cut his way through the forest', I think it means... hmm..."
I returned to my own studies as Yotsuba, shoulder centimetres from mine, pondered over her own. There was something easy about the way we just existed together, a common sense of companionship. When we were studying together, my worries about where we stood, about her thoughts, about everything just faded away. There was only myself, her, and the mutual barrier in our way - the exam.
I've missed this.
Cricking my neck, I stared down at the page in front of me... and felt a smile creeping across my face.
"Ugh, Uesugi, your smile is creepy. Stop it."
I looked over to see Nino was standing next to the television, an open drawer next to her, and was glowering at me.
"I don't remember asking for your opinion, Nino," I scowled, turning back to my textbook. "Also, stop staring at my lips."
"Wha- I- no! That's not-"
Snorting, I shook my head and turned to look at Yotsuba; to my surprise, she had her hand over her mouth, and seemed to be trying not to laugh. Eventually, she broke, and started cackling.
"It wasn't that funny," I said, bemused.
"Sorry, sorry," she wheezed, wiping a tear away. "But- you, of all people, making that kind of joke? It just hit my funny bone, y'know?"
I looked over at Nino, who looked just as confused as I felt... though I noticed with mild surprise that her cheeks were bright red. For a moment, I wondered in passing if she actually had been staring at my lips - then I realized she had just been embarrassed.
"I'll... try to refrain in the future?" I said hesitantly, slowly raising an eyebrow.
"No, no no no," Yotsuba said, shaking her head. "It was hilarious, please keep doing it. I want it on film next time."
"Well, now I'm definitely not going to."
Rolling my eyes, I returned to my studying as Yotsuba pouted at me. Nino muttered something highly uncomplimentary under her breath and returned to whatever she'd been doing by the TV. I could somewhat empathize; she'd unwittingly been turned into the butt of a joke.
Not that I fully grasped what, exactly, Yotsuba found so funny about the situation.
I'm missing something.
I was encouraged by what I was seeing from Yotsuba. I wasn't totally sure how, but the backsliding I'd seen the week before had been stymied, and she was making progress, albeit slower than I might have liked. I considered that it may have been due to her sessions with Takeda and his improved pedagogy... but something struck me as being off about that. It wasn't enough. As I watched her work, her pencil flicking across the page in front of her, I started to pick up on small details. The slump of her shoulders. The way her ribbon gently swayed as she worked. The tension in her face, in the corner of her lips.
There was an answer there, lurking just out of grasp.
Irritated, I shook my head.
I'll figure it out soon enough.
As the sun set outside the great glass window, the front door opened, and an exhausted-looking Itsuki entered the room. Seeing me, she perked up slightly, and came to crash on the couch next to me.
"Hey," I said, nodding at her. "You look beat."
"I just... studied very hard," she groaned, her hands covering her eyes to block the light. I wondered if she had some kind of migraine. "He's also still hard to be around sometimes."
"He?" Yotsuba asked, looking over at us.
I glanced over at Itsuki, who seemed too tired to care that her secret had been exposed - perhaps if she'd been more awake, she'd have been embarrassed. As it was, she just groaned and put her hand over her face.
"Takeda-san offered to help me with my individual studying outside his tutoring hours," she muttered, sitting up and shaking her head. "I don't know why I didn't just say something; I guess I was embarrassed that I needed the extra help. Uesugi-kun already caught me though, so..."
"A-ha! I see, I see," Yotsuba said, stroking her chin. "So is that why you were being so shifty on Saturday? Because you were going on a tryst with-"
"Not you too!" Itsuki cried, whipping to look at Yotsuba. "Uesugi-kun made the exact same joke!"
"Oh," Yotsuba said, looking over at me. There was a second's pause, and then she raised her fist and extended it to me. "Nice."
Chuckling, I returned the gesture, bumping fists with her. Our eyes met for a brief moment, holding one another through the contact. There was a light of amusement there, a flame of emotion that always brought a smile to my face. Then, the connection was broken, and I looked away.
Somewhere in the distance, I thought I heard the sound of Nino retching dramatically.
I ignored it.
Eventually, the sun long-since set, Yotsuba and I were working on Japanese language arts when Nino came over and leaned over the couch that was perpendicular to us, one elbow pressed down so she could support her head with her hand, long hair falling in rivulets about her arm and onto the couch, the ribbons tied in her hair scarcely visible.
"So," she said, looking directly at me with her piercing gaze. "Are you staying for dinner?"
I suddenly felt exposed - as though I was under assault from her direct stare, the aggression hidden therein. Yet, mustering my courage, I squared my shoulders and returned her gaze.
"If you'll have me, then yes," I replied, bowing my head. "Thanks."
"Like I said before," Nino said, rolling her eyes as she stood back up. "It's no trouble to cook an extra portion."
This time, I definitely saw a smile cross her face as she returned to the kitchen - and an absolutely insane thought crossed my mind.
Was she mad at me on the camping trip... because I started bringing a bento to not eat her food?
Watching her for a moment as she began to work, I shook my head.
No, not a chance. She's just always been the queen of mixed signals. I'm sure it wasn't that - no point overthinking her.
As I turned to look back at my textbook, I caught a glance of Yotsuba's face, itself in the midst of turning away from me. A brief image of her eyes, piercing blue against the red of her hair, a window into her thoughts.
Yet, once again, the inscrutable look was there, the morass of emotion that sometimes clung to her face like oil.
Unprompted, I remembered the view of the track from the previous day - and the reflection of my own face that had been there.
Troubled, I looked away.
Dinner was a straightforward affair. Nino had baked a lemon salmon with chives and capers. As I ate, my mouth rejoiced - even if my poor man's palette wasn't enough to appreciate all of the subtleties contained within, it was enough to know that what I was eating was superb. Once again, I couldn't help but silently sing her cooking praises, and wonder if Raiha would one day be able to cook at such an advanced level.
"Uesugi-san? You... you look like you're tearing up! Is everything ok?!"
"I'm not, Yotsuba. This food is just that good," I groaned, putting another bite in my mouth. "I'm impressed as always, Nino."
"I'm not cooking for your approval," Nino scowled - though I couldn't help but notice that she seemed pleased with herself as I finished the rest of my food. I got up to put my plate in the dishwasher, but she rose first and grabbed it out of my hands.
"You're still a guest," she grumbled in response to my querying look. "Sit back down."
"Oh... ok," I said, lowering myself back down into my chair. Glancing over at Yotsuba, I could see that same mixture of emotions on her face for half a moment - and then she picked up her own plate and walked over to the dishwasher. As she went, I thought I saw her shaking her head, but I had no clue what that meant.
After dinner, we got some more studying done - but eventually, it grew late, and I needed to go home. As I threw on my coat, Yotsuba was on the couch on her phone, and Nino was back to reading her fashion magazine, legs crossed on the other couch. Itsuki was still at the table, but as I looked at Yotsuba with her head down, my emotions and uncertainties finally returning at full force, I could feel her eyes on me.
Chastizing me.
I need to take this opportunity. I promised myself I would.
I promised I would ask her about... everything.
"Yotsuba."
Yotsuba looked up from her phone... and turned to look over her shoulder to where Itsuki had called her from the table.
"Hmm?"
"Shouldn't you walk Uesugi-kun down to the bus?"
There was a moment's pause... and then Yotsuba's eyes widened and she scrambled to her feet.
"O-Oh shoot, sorry! My bad, Uesugi-san! I've just been a bit out of it, and I- oops!"
"It's fine," I said with an amused look on my face. "I mean, I can find my own way there at this point - but I appreciate the company."
"Give me a moment to get my coat on!"
As Yotsuba hurried over and began putting on her shoes, I glanced over at Itsuki, who had a smug smirk plastered on her face. As she noticed my gaze, she glanced at Nino, who wasn't paying attention, and then gave me a thumbs up.
Tentatively, I returned the gesture, something which she apparently found silently hilarious.
Turning back around, I saw Yotsuba rise to her feet and grab her coat off the rack. Grinning sheepishly, she opened the door, and stepped out into the hall.
"Bye, Itsuki, Nino," I said, waving as I stepped out. "Say goodbye to Ichika and Miku for me please!"
Itsuki waved, while Nino just hmphed and turned away. Rolling my eyes, I closed the door, and followed Yotsuba to the elevator.
And then, finally, finally, we were entirely alone.
"Hey, Uesugi-san," she said as the doors slid shut and we began to descend. "Do you think I stand a chance on the final?"
I paused to think, turning the question over in my mind. Then, biting my lip, I shrugged.
"It's hard to say, to be honest. I'm not there during your sessions with Takeda, and we haven't been studying together through the week, so I can't judge that well. It seems like you're doing alright - there was some backsliding before, but you've mostly dealt with that now from what I've gathered."
"Hmm," Yotsuba murmured, glancing down at the ground. "Looks like I've got some more work to do then, since you aren't confident about it..."
Glancing back over at her, it almost looked like she was pouting. Yet, as my eyes traced the contours of her face, I wondered if that was actually the case - or if there was more depth to the simple expression on her face. It was impossible to tell, in the absence of the ability to probe her mind.
"Tell me about your track practices," I said softly.
Yotsuba looked up sharply, and glanced over at me. Her lips seemed to harden for a moment... and then they softened as a gentle smile slipped over her face.
"Well... hmm, where should I start?"
"Wherever you'd like," I murmured, my eyes on hers.
"Well, Eba-san is a real hard-ass!" Yotsuba complained, her hands on her hips. "At the start of every session, she gives us a lecture about dedication and perseverance and... oh, what was the word? I don't remember now. Anyways, she gives us a lecture, and then she makes us run around the track ten times as a warm-up. I actually really like that part, but..."
As Yotsuba described her track practice, going into more and more intricate detail as she grew deeper and deeper into explaining her routine, I found myself enraptured by her face.
I was listening, drinking in her words, and yet I was also drawn in by her eyes, and the fiery passion that had appeared in them. She talked with her hands, sound effects sometimes replacing descriptions, words insufficiently explaining the sensations her body felt when she ran.
This is what she was meant to do.
The thought struck me out of the blue, but it didn't come with the usual cocktail of tempestuous emotions that had accompanied the idea in recent weeks. Instead, it was a simple thing: an observation, nothing more.
I had often wondered where I stood in this new paradigm, where there was room for me in Yotsuba's life. With track and tutoring, my corner of her world had seemed to shrink and shrink.
Those questions, seeing the light in her eyes, were far from my mind now.
As the elevator door slid open, and we stepped out into the marble-clad lobby, Yotsuba was describing the exact technique she'd been taught for the relay, handing off the baton. As I leaned against the bar for the front door, she grinned sheepishly at me.
"Sorry, this is a lot of information all at once, isn't it Uesugi-san? I'm kind of babbling here..."
I shrugged, pushing the door open. "No, I'm enjoying listening to you. I like hearing you talk."
Yotsuba's cheeks were suddenly dusted in pink, and she scratched her cheek.
"I... I see..."
Stepping out into the cold, I took a deep breath. The air was frigid, a reminder of December's rapid approach, and of the time we didn't have. Of how, soon, the finals would be upon us, as well as Yotsuba's track meet. Glancing back, I saw Yotsuba pull her coat tightly around her shoulders as she followed me - but she smiled cheekily at me.
"Shi shi shi- you're looking a little chilly there, Uesugi-san! Do you need me to warm you up?"
I could feel my face heating up, and I looked away from her, my hand unconsciously rising to my bangs and fiddling with them.
"Um... no, I'm fine. Thanks, though."
"Hmm, ok... make sure you warm up properly when you get home, though! The nights are getting pretty cold."
Glancing back over at her, I felt my left hand twitch - a phantom feeling of warmth, the echo of her fingers in mine, intertwined and locked. Unwillingly, a shiver went down my spine which had nothing to do with the cold.
Silently, I wondered what she would have done if I'd accepted her offer.
Shaking my head, I began walking towards the bus stop, Yotsuba trotting along behind me.
As we went, I glanced up at the sky above. It was clearing, pockets of night sky visible amidst the cloud cover. The cast light of thousands of street lamps blotted out many of the stars - but enough remained to make out the brightest. Still, silent, countless millennia old. They had seen many pass before them.
Somehow, the thought of their constancy gave me a feeling of courage. Closing my eyes, I could hear a voice in my head, echoing as clearly as if it was being spoken aloud.
Don't drag this out, Uesugi-kun.
Every instinct I had was screaming at me to stay silent. To let things stay as they were - to prevent this uneasy equilibrium in which we found ourselves from fracturing. To allow what had happened to just slip into the past, and move on. To silently support from the side, and to not worry about such troubling things as what she'd been feeling, or why she'd grabbed my hand, or what she thought of-
I swallowed.
A breath, visible in the cold night's air.
Then, a turn, spinning on the spot a mere pace from the bus stop, to face her. Taking in her entirety, I could feel my voice catch in my throat. Her hair, flowing in streams about her hair, dancing and twirling in gorgeous red trails. Her ribbon, hastily tied, standing above her head. The coat that hung over her shoulders, partially opened now at the front to reveal the casual clothes she'd worn as we studied. The curve of her hips, hidden in part by the thick winter's fabric that was all that separated her from the cold.
Deep in my chest, the beast roared in its cage, awoken from its short slumber.
Yet, for now at least, the bars held.
"Yotsuba."
A susurration, whispers in the depths of my mind. Conflicting voices calling to me - both of them I recognized. One calling me forward, to action. Calling me to speak. The other demanding my resignation, my retreat. My silence.
One was Itsuki's. The other...
Yotsuba tilted her head at me, a questioning look on her face.
Moment of truth.
"I have something I need to ask you," I said.
She frowned at me. "Oh yeah, you mentioned that last week. What's up?"
"It's about the bonfire. On the camping trip."
It was night and day.
The change that passed through Yotsuba in the blink of an eye was as light and shadow, a harsh dividing line between the casual ease with which she'd been carrying herself, and the sudden tension that shot through her body. Before, she had been as a house cat lazing in a sunbeam; unbothered, relaxed. Now, she was a deer caught in headlights, her eyes wide and a slight tremor coursing through her.
She looked as though she were about to bolt.
For a moment, I wondered if I should pull back. To divert things. To return to the peaceful calm we'd just had. To the stillness of the night, under the ever-watching stars.
But, it was too late for that. It was too late to turn back.
"During the dance," I whispered, my voice quieting without my realizing it, "there were... some things that happened. Things that confused me."
Yotsuba was silent, her eyes wordlessly locked onto mine, unmoving.
"When we first started to dance, when I asked you if you wanted to... you seemed really happy. I think I can understand that. But then... things changed. The look on your face changed."
"Uesugi-san," she murmured. "Stop..."
"You seemed like you felt guilty," I said, pressing on, the volume of my voice rising slightly. "Like you were doing something wrong, or that you were upset. I didn't understand what changed."
Yotsuba started shaking her head.
"Then..." I said, my hands plunged into my coat pockets almost a ritual to calm myself - to give my hands something to hold, to give myself something solid to grasp. "Then you suddenly grabbed my hand during the fireworks after that. Out of nowhere. I... I didn't understand why. I don't..."
"Uesugi-san," Yotsuba said more sharply. "Stop."
I looked at her, and I could see that she was shaking.
"I want to know why."
Yotsuba was looking at me, and it was clear she was fighting back tears - but I didn't know why. Her hands were trembling, a reflection of her lower lip. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen the look on her face before; not from something I'd said or done, at any rate. I could feel my chest constricting, the slimy twin feelings of fear and anxiety slithering their way around my gut, ascending my spine towards my heart.
"I can't know things unless you tell me," I murmured finally. "So... please."
Yotsuba stood there silently, the redness in her cheeks a product of the cold as much as the emotion welling up within her eyes. The look on her face was one that had been seared into my mind weeks before - the same desperate, guilty look that had donned her face in the dying moments of the dance, the sterile light of the streetlamp filling the absent role of the roaring, living fire.
I hated that look.
The silence stretched between us, thick and impregnable. As though no words could possibly fill the distance that had erupted between us in a matter of seconds.
Yet, eventually, it was broken.
First, by the sounds of rustling as Yotsuba began to shake her head.
Then, the almost sub-audible sound of her breathing.
Finally, her mouth moving, breaking the silence as gently as a feather falling on a still pond - a ripple nevertheless disturbing the serene surface.
"I can't," she whispered, her voice small. "I can't answer you."
"Why?"
Yotsuba shook her head. "It would... I just... I can't. I promised that... no. I'm sorry, Uesugi-san."
I took a deep breath, a calming breath. An attempt to steady myself, to right the ship that was my emotions. To try and combat the swirling winds blowing me far, far off-course.
"Ok, you won't tell me. That's fine. If... if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine," I said, looking away. "You don't have to tell me - I won't try and force it."
There was a constricting feeling in my chest, wrapping around my heart and binding it.
I knew it. I knew it. I told Itsuki that she wouldn't tell me.
She won't let me in.
"But..." I said slowly, turning back to her, my eyes locking with hers. "I do want to know why you won't tell me. Is it... do you just not trust me enough to know? Or... is there some other reason?"
Yotsuba violently shook her head again, biting her lip. "No! No, it's not that. I- I-"
She looked on the verge of tears - and that fact was made all the more apparent by the sudden flare of light that illuminated her as the bus rounded the corner. The lighting reflecting off her hair, the red in her cheeks, the watery layer at the bottom of her eyes. The bunching of her fists, the slight shiver of her shoulders. Then, the reaction as she covered her face from the light.
The constricting feeling in my chest grew stronger.
"I need to go," I said softly. "I'm..."
The words caught in my throat.
Yotsuba just looked away from me, and then nodded sharply once.
The bus pulled up, and I stepped on. Glancing back, I saw Yotsuba looking after me.
"I'll see you on Monday," I said.
Another nod.
The constricting feeling in my chest grew more intense. I wandered my way to my seat, and looked out the window to see that Yotsuba was already walking back to the Pentagon, her hands shoved in her pockets. I turned to look forward, and bit my lip hard. There was a new uncomfortable feeling in my chest, and my face. An unsteady feeling. I didn't like it.
Did I make a mistake? Did I...
I shook my head. This needed to happen. I couldn't keep running away from this...
As the bus began to pull forward, I sighed and put my head in my hands.
"Great... now what do I do?"
The sensations I was feeling were on the verge of overwhelming me - anxiety, fear, guilt. Yet, there was a piece of me that refused to settle. As streetlights swung by, as I stared out into the dark void of the night, there was a voice growing stronger and stronger in my mind that outweighed all of the other things, chastizing me. Demanding that I take another step. That I hadn't done enough.
That I couldn't let things stay like this.
You're not a coward.
When I arrived home, I had my bath, and got ready for bed, followed shortly thereafter by Raiha and my dad. Yet, as I lay in my futon, I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning, the nagging at the edge of my consciousness refusing to let me rest. Eventually, I sat up and growled in frustration.
"God damn it," I muttered, and picked up my phone.
Then, I sent an e-mail to Yotsuba.
{Are you awake?}
I put the phone down, and lowered my head into my hands, breathing softly. A minute later, there was a buzz, and I looked down to see Yotsuba's monosyllabic response.
{Yes.}
Swallowing, I bit my lip. Then I typed another email.
{Can I call?}
Closing the old flip phone and putting it heavily down on the tatami mats, I stared up at the ceiling clad in darkness. It was, as ever, occasionally illuminated by cars driving by outside, light cast by their wandering headlamps throwing the shadows of swaying tree branches in sharp relief. It was often a comforting sight, long familiar to me.
Yet, tonight, it brought me nothing. There was no comfort to be found in familiarity.
Anxiety sent my fingers drumming, waiting desperately for a response from Yotsuba.
Fifteen minutes.
Nothing.
Just as I was about to give up and go back to trying to sleep, my phone finally vibrated.
{Ok.}
For a fraction of a moment, I stared at my phone screen. Then, I moved.
Scrambling to my feet, I threw on my shoes and jacket, and rushed in my pyjamas outside onto the stairs. Hurrying down to the street, I dialled Yotsuba's number. The phone rang for a long time... and then eventually, Yotsuba picked up.
Breathing hard, I stared up at the night sky above me. At the stars, still watching me.
Then, letting out a breath, my shoulders lowered, relaxing, the tension flowing out into the darkness.
"Hey," I said softly.
"Hey," came the voice from the receiver, a quiet whisper - yet in that moment, it felt like the most intimate word she'd ever said to me.
A breaching of the barrier that I'd feared had come up between us. A flood of relief poured through me.
I took a deep breath, trying to sort out my words, to bring them into some semblance of order.
"I... I just wanted to-"
"Uesugi-san..."
We both spoke at the same moment, and then both cut off. There was a moment, and then I let out a soft laugh.
"Sorry," I whispered. "You go first."
"No," she said, and I thought I heard the sound of her hair swishing as though she were shaking her head. "You go first."
I snorted quietly, and then leaned my head back, looking up at the sky. The words formulated in my mouth, turning over and over, trying to solidify. Trying to find meaning.
"I just wanted to say... I'm sorry for pushing too hard. You told me to stop, twice, and I didn't. I didn't mean to make you cry, so... I'm sorry."
There was a soft laugh from the other end, but it struck me as a sad laugh. "I was going to apologize for almost the same thing. You didn't do anything wrong, I just... I shut down. I'm sorry."
I frowned. "I made you cry, though. Why are you-"
"No. I made me cry."
Scratching my cheek, I turned around to glance back up at the stairs leading to our apartment. "I... don't think I really understand."
"I just wasn't expecting the question, and I guess... I panicked. Maybe I should have expected it, but... I don't know. I don't think I fully understand it myself."
"I... see," I said carefully.
"I guess I'm not making a lot of sense," Yotsuba laughed, though the sadness was still there. "Sorry, Uesugi-san."
"I still want to apologize, though," I said, shaking my head. "I feel like I did something wrong. So, please accept it, even if you don't think it's needed."
There was a snort from Yotsuba's end, and I got the feeling this one was more genuine. "Sure, fine, I'll begrudgingly accept your apology."
"Well, thank you very much," I chuckled, my free hand sliding into my pocket. "I'm most appreciative."
We both laughed... and then Yotsuba fell silent again. We were both quiet on the line, my thoughts as much a mess as my emotions. Then, finally, Yotsuba broke the silence.
"I'm not ready to answer your questions yet... but I will answer them eventually. I promise, Uesugi-san. It's not that I don't trust you."
There was another moment of silence as I digested her words, a moment of breath and stillness.
Eventually... I wonder when that is.
"Ok," I said softly, cradling the phone against my head. "I believe you."
"But... I probably owe you at least something."
I was quiet, suddenly finding myself holding my breath. Yotsuba breathed in... and I heard a splashing sound. Frowning, I pulled my phone away from my head and looked at it.
Is she...
"Yotsuba," I said slowly. "Sorry to distract but... did I just hear water?"
"Oh, um- um..."
My eyes narrowed. She is, isn't she?
"You didn't take my call in the bath, did you?"
"W-What? No- no, of course not, I-"
I suddenly heard a voice in the distance in the call - from tone alone, I could tell it was Nino.
"Yotsuba - hurry up and get out of the bath! I want to go next!"
There was a long moment of silence... and then I began to laugh. Yotsuba groaned, and while I couldn't see her face, I could perfectly visualize the expression it would surely be wearing. Embarrassment, shame, but also a hint of amusement. I wandered back over to the stairs, and sat down.
When did I start being able to see her face so clearly?
"Busted," I snickered.
"Damn it, Nino... fine, yes! I was about to get in when you emailed me. I was going to respond when I got out saying to call but... I got nervous. I didn't want to make you wait any longer."
"I see."
"I bet you're thinking lewd thoughts, aren't you?" Yotsuba complained.
I frowned. "Do you know me at all?"
"Beh. Fine, fair enough. Anyways... going back on topic..."
Of course, now that she'd said that, all sorts of thoughts were filling my head...
I smacked myself on the cheek. Stop it.
"Eh? Uesugi-san, what was that sound?"
"Nothing," I replied, shaking my head. "Anyways, you were saying?"
"Oh... right..."
Yotsuba swallowed, the sound transmitted through the phone. Then, she sighed.
"I... ugh, this is hard to talk about. A long time ago...I made a promise to somebody. When I was a child, I promised them that I would become somebody important. Somebody who was needed. That I would strive every day to become those things."
I frowned. Those words sounded strangely familiar.
"But... I didn't keep my promise."
Yotsuba took a deep breath.
"It was a promise that was really important to me... and I failed. I failed to become somebody important, or somebody who people need. I'm a complete failure, Uesugi-san. And... until I..."
She swallowed.
"Until I can say I've kept that promise, I don't feel like I can answer those questions. Because..."
Her words caught in her throat, and then she went silent. I was left holding the phone, staring out into the dark, pondering her words.
Pondering my own reflection contained within them.
She... also has a promise she made someone, huh?
Then, cradling the phone, I held it as close to my face as I could. I suddenly, desperately wished I could see her.
"I understand," I said softly. "Or at least, I understand that you feel that way."
"I'm glad," Yotsuba replied, her relief evident in her voice. "I-"
"I need you to know something, though," I said, unwittingly interrupting her. "It's important."
"...Yeah?" she said, a tentative note in her voice. I could hear the fear in her voice - but it felt unknowable, somehow. Like there was something deeper to it. Some buried fear, something beneath the surface which I didn't understand.
I chewed over my words for a moment... and then I let them out in a single breath, my face reddening as I said it.
"You're already somebody who's important, and somebody who's needed. To me, anyways."
There was silence on the other end of the line, a silence stretching out so long that I would have thought that the call had ended were it not for the gentle sound of swaying water. Then, eventually, I heard a noise from Yotsuba, one I wasn't sure I recognized. It was somewhere between a squeak and something else entirely.
"Th... Thank you," she said, her voice quivering.
"Of course. It's the truth."
The silence stretched out between us again, but there was a different flavour to it now. One of uncertainty, maybe, but it didn't feel as... fearful. The acidic feeling of anxiety had long-since slithered its way out of my gut, back to whichever hole in which it hid itself.
"Uesugi-san..."
"Yeah?"
"Why did you want to call? I know you wanted to apologize, but... it could have waited until Monday, right? Or you could have just e-mailed me..."
I paused, staring out at the street and the occasional car whizzing by, briefly illuminating the world in its light.
Why did I...?
The answer was unexpected, but it was crystal clear once I actually thought about it.
Well... this is going to be embarrassing.
"Since we're being honest, I'll give you an answer, but it's going to be cheesy as hell. May I?"
Yotsuba paused, and then snorted. "Sure, cheese away! I love cheese, it goes great in all sorts of things."
She was still laughing when I spoke.
"I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice."
Yotsuba immediately went silent, the only sound once again the swishing of the water. I somehow imagined that her face was beet-red - but I couldn't see her at all. It was just my imagination, running away from me. Showing me only that which I wanted to see.
"I... um... I wanted to hear the sound of your voice too, Uesugi-san... that's why I said yes..."
Yotsuba's voice was reduced to just a whisper.
Yet, it was enough to force a grin to split across my face.
"I'm glad," I said. Glancing up at the night sky, I shook my head. "Anyways, as much as I would love to keep talking, it's getting pretty late. I should probably go - and you probably don't want Nino catching you on the phone with me in the bath."
"Good point," Yotsuba nodded. "I've already had one sister chew me out today, I don't need it to be two."
I frowned. "Who chewed you out?"
"Itsuki, when I got back upstairs after... but... um, nevermind. That's kind of between me and her."
I made a mental note to get an answer out of Itsuki the next time I saw her.
"Well, for the sake of avoiding a Nino tongue-lashing... goodnight, Yotsuba."
"Goodnight, Uesugi-san," she whispered into the phone. "Thank you for... well..."
I smiled. "Thank you for telling me what you're thinking, even if just a little. I can't know things unless you tell me. I'm not actually psychic."
Yotsuba laughed lightly, and then the line went dead. Looking at my phone for a long moment, I stowed it in my pocket, and ascended the stairs. Slipping in the front door, I locked it, and took off my coat and shoes as quietly as I could. Sliding into my futon, I noticed that Raiha was staring at me from inside of hers, eyes wide.
"How much of that could you hear?" I frowned at her.
Her face split into a giant toothy grin. "All of it."
Sighing, I pulled the futon cover over my head, blocking out Raiha's giggling. Even as I silently cursed the paper-thin materials from which our apartment had been constructed, I could feel a new sensation creeping into my chest, spreading from my chest radially outward until it reached the very tips of my toes.
I asked her. And... I may not have gotten all of my answers... but I got enough for now.
The feeling in my chest was an antithesis to the cold, to the fear and anxiety that had crept through me before like a beast in the night. It was the antidote to my insecurities.
It was warmth.
A/N: Yay, it's 2024! Remember when I said in the last chapter that the two chapters combined would have been over 14k words? Try over 19k, haha. That's basically a "Four Drowned Leaves" chapter. There was a lot to fit in here - but Fuutarou finally asked Yotsuba about what happened. While she may not have been willing to fully open up about her feelings, there's progress... and Fuutarou learned about her promise, even if he doesn't know the details (including the most crucial one - who it was with!).
The chapter ended up being posted a few days later than I'd originally planned - that's because I was busy editing and then posting the first chapter of my Itsuki/Fuutarou fic, A Sonata of Solitude, my entry for NaNoWriMo 2023! It has a very different tone than "How We Met Again", but I hope that you'll check it out nonetheless.
See you all next chapter (which will also be the first chapter posted after the first anniversary of "How We Met Again")!