Chapter 33:
Dichotomous Choices
The sky was a blotted canvas of clouds, mottled shades of grey, light and dark intertwining in patchy discordance - the sort of all-encompassing coverage that tempts rain, yet never quite comes through with its promises. A bleary picture, the final day of November. The type of day that makes one want to curl up under a blanket next to a homely hearth, well furnished with a roaring fire, and sleep for a thousand years.
Unfortunately, with the finals rapidly closing in and the first exam a mere four days away, that sort of luxury was scarcely an option.
"Uesugi-san, I don't fully understand this bit..."
Lowering my chopsticks with a small sigh, I leaned over the cafeteria table to take a look at the page that a visibly frustrated Yotsuba was showing me. The question at hand was a fusion between trigonometry and geometry - slightly more advanced than the kind of problems we'd been tackling thus far. I'd been hoping Yotsuba would be able to successfully synthesize the disparate concepts on her own.
"First step," I said, frowning down at the page. "Label things with variables."
"Oh! Um... which things?"
"Everything."
Her brow furrowed, Yotsuba pulled the paper back and stared down at it. Then, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth, she began writing down variable names on the piece of paper. As she scratched away at the page, I picked my chopsticks back up and resumed eating my lunch, my eyes trained entirely on her.
I was worried.
Her shoulders were hunched, and her usual posture had deteriorated to the point of practically slouching. There was a drawn quality to her face, the corners of her lips pulled back tightly - as her eyes scanned over the page below her, there was a dullness to them that didn't suit her. A lack of the usual sheen that was a reflection of her enthusiasm, and her normally boundless energy.
I felt my own lips draw tight. There's something wrong.
It had been two weeks since our phone call, and our conversation in the cold. After that, we'd fallen into an uneasy new equilibrium - there was an underlying tension, yet also a sort of quiet comfort as well. It didn't help matters that I had essentially only seen her during the lunch break; every weekday evening had been taken up by either track, or Takeda. The weekend had been our only reprieve. Consequently, as the finals began to loom on the horizon, I'd begrudgingly decided to turn my priorities to other places. To putting all of my energy into supporting her as best I could.
There was no use dwelling on things. Ultimately, Yotsuba had set an explicit boundary. There was now finally a firm line in the sand, a marker by which I could begin to determine where we stood, even if it was only the most approximate of measures.
I wasn't about to violate it.
After the line had gone dead and I'd returned in from the cold, I'd decided that I was willing to give her what she'd asked for. Time. And, in the time until she was ready to answer my questions... I would wait.
There was still a part of me, an impatient part, that demanded immediate answers. That demanded to know exactly what her motivations were, and what exactly she thought of me. To know the truth behind her confusing emotions, and the inexplicable look of pain that had appeared on her face in the dancing firelight.
But...
She promised she would eventually tell me. So... I'm going to choose to believe her.
That decision had felt like an itch in my throat, sitting uncomfortably, something that I wanted desperately to scratch, to clear away - but, there was nothing I could do. Only time would relieve my discomfort.
"Ugh, Uesugi-san, it doesn't make any sense - there are too many parts!"
I put my chopsticks down again, and leaned forward.
"Ok, well, let's try breaking it down..."
The day after I'd confronted Yotsuba, I'd cornered Itsuki on the way to the cafeteria, and interrogated her in an empty classroom. Yet, no matter how much I hounded her, I'd been unable to get much information at all - something about "sisterly confidentiality" and it being "none of my darn business" what she had chewed Yotsuba out about.
She'd called us both idiots, though, with a look of fiery indignation in her eyes.
I still wasn't sure how I felt about that.
With her insistence on giving me absolutely nothing of value, all I'd been able to determine was something that was, frankly, obvious - it had been about me. Anything beyond that, she'd clamped down entirely.
That said, after all the help she'd given me, it was hard to be too angry at her.
"No, this isn't going anywhere- argh, come ooooon. Why can't this be easy?! I hate math!"
I snapped out of it, and glanced down at the page which was currently receiving the entirety of Yotsuba's wrath, her face scrunched up between her hands as she glared at the offending piece of paper.
"You forgot that the internal angle of a semi-circle is pi radians - and so, you know what the sum of the angles is."
Yotsuba blinked, and glanced up at me. After a moment, frowning, she looked back down at the page.
Then, she let out a groan, and lowered her head to the table.
"You're right - I totally forgot..."
After a brief moment of mourning she looked up, her chin rested on the table, and little of her usual Yotsuba energy returned as she flashed me a cheeky smile - though the look was slightly marred by the underlying strained expression on her face.
"As expected of the genius Uesugi-san - you spot my mistakes in just a moment!"
"Careful," I said, picking up my bowl of rice and lifting it towards my mouth. "Flattery will get you nowhere."
"It's not flattery if it's a real compliment," Yotsuba said, smiling tiredly. Lifting herself back up, she began writing again with her pencil, adding the additional information I'd given her into her calculations.
I could feel my face heating up slightly. "Is that so?"
"Mhmm."
Yotsuba seemed distracted, staring back down at the page - or perhaps it was better to just say that she was focused. I could tell that she wasn't fully paying attention to what she was saying, and I suddenly felt a bit silly for having gotten flustered. Eventually, with a sigh, I returned to my food.
A few minutes later, Yotsuba put down her pencil and stretched, her arm rising into the air as she attempted to provide some relief to her clearly-aching shoulders.
"It's done," she sighed, shaking her head. "Could you please look over the worksheet, Uesugi-san?"
Pulling the collection of practice problems over, I quickly graded it- and to my pleasant surprise, found that around half of the questions were correct. I'd intentionally made the worksheet harder than I thought the test would be, so that when the exam came, she would be in a more advantageous position.
It had, apparently, succeeded.
"Good work," I murmured as I slid it back. "That said, you did need to ask for help on that last question - so make sure to review it again before the final to make sure you fully understand all the moving parts involved."
Yotsuba nodded... and then stifled a yawn. I frowned at the visible sign of her exhaustion, but kept my concerns to myself.
"Oh, that reminds me," she said, suddenly shaking herself and looking me in the eye. "Do you want to study over the weekend?"
"Of course. It's a no-brainer - obviously we need to study the weekend before the finals."
"Great! I'll prepare snacks," Yotsuba grinned, a spark of excitement entering her voice. I noted wryly that, despite everything, it seemed as though the prospect of chips and dips was still a bigger lure than learning.
"Were you thinking kind of like a study camp?" I asked, tilting my head. "A final intensive session, and all that?"
"Hmm... that's probably a good idea," she said, nodding. "How does Saturday morning sound? Then, we can go all day on Saturday and Sunday."
I gave a thumbs up, and Yotsuba's smile got even bigger - and for a moment, my worries about her were relieved. Then, the bell rang, and she jumped almost half a foot into the air in her seat, and they instantly returned with a vengeance.
Her nerves are shot.
"Uh- I've gotta go! See you tomorrow, Uesugi-san!"
"Sure," I said, raising my hand in farewell as she hurriedly threw her books into her bag. "Good luck with Takeda tonight."
"Roger!" she replied, pausing for a moment to throw a salute. Then, zipping her bag shut, she bounded away from the table. As she went, I couldn't help but notice that her step was a bit unsteady, a slight sway marking her stride.
Pursing my lips, I turned back to the remnants of my meal, and scarfed them down. Then, shoving my textbooks into my own bag, I threw it onto my shoulder and rose to my feet. Staring in the direction that Yotsuba had gone, I paused a moment, eyes narrowing slightly.
Then, with a slight shake of the head, I left.
Afternoon classes passed by quickly - having already covered the material thrice-fold, I found my mind wandering to other subjects. The by-now well-trod grounds of emotional reflection was a given, but there was a new nagging feeling in my chest, a sense that there was something amiss.
Silently, I wondered if it was connected to Yotsuba's apparent exhaustion.
As the bell rang to mark the end of the day, I rose to go to the library to study - but stepping out into the hallway, I suddenly felt the call of nature, and I changed course to make my way towards the washroom. As I was approaching the door, however, I heard a pounding of footsteps behind me, and turned to see Takeda charging down the hall.
"Uesugi-kun! Ah, thank goodness I caught you!"
Glancing anxiously towards the washroom door, and then back at Takeda, I winced slightly. "Um... yes? Can I help you?"
"I was hoping to petition your advice one more time - 'tis the last study session I have with the students before the finals begin, and I'm simply tittering with nerves."
"Aren't you supposed to be on your way there already?" I asked, frowning.
"I... I have a bit of time," Takeda said, shaking his head anxiously. "Please, just- look, I'm..."
I realized with a start that there was a note of panic in his voice. Taking a moment to look him over, I could see that there was a slight shaking to his shoulders, a hint of fear in his eyes. Silently, I wondered to myself how much stress he'd been putting himself under. How much the future of those five girls had begun to weigh on him, despite the airs he put on.
Tutoring someone is a serious thing.
Not for the first time, a mote of pity flared in the depths of my stomach.
Glancing back at the washroom door again, I gritted my teeth, and nodded. "I can give you... five minutes, Takeda, but then I desperately need to be... otherwise occupied."
"Huh?" Takeda blinked obliviously at me. "What do you mea-"
He trailed off, and then his eyes widened. "Oh. Oh! Nay, Uesugi-kun, I shan't be so churlish as to- my word, please! I'll... I'm just making a bother of myself, aren't I? Oh dear. But I need... ah, hell, I'll ask you in the washroom. Off you go, my good sir!"
I just stared at him in disbelief.
"What? I need your help, and we have a time crunch, do we not? 'Tis an elegant solution."
"I can't believe you," I muttered to myself. "Well- whatever. Do as you like, I guess."
Walking into the washroom, Takeda began blathering my ear off about his study plan and his attempted improvements to his teaching methods. I tried to pay attention to what he was saying, but I was slightly distracted by the herculean task of trying to not think about the situation I had suddenly been put in. As I picked my spot at a urinal, and he stood slightly behind me chatting, I increasingly failed to maintain focus, my responses becoming more and more monosyllabic.
This is quite possibly the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.
Eventually, with his supply of tutoring-related questions and ramblings run dry, Takeda left, and I could feel my shoulders slowly decompress. Closing my eyes, I groaned, and pinched the bridge of my nose.
Never again.
I was washing my hands at the sink a few minutes later, trying desperately to cleanse my memory of the awkward interaction I'd just had, when I heard voices drifting in from the hallway. I wasn't particularly paying attention - until my ears perked up at the sound of Yotsuba's voice.
"Ah, no, I have a tutoring session tonight- sorry, Eba-san."
"Hmm, that's too bad - active recovery is the best form of recovery, after all."
"Is... is that so?"
It sounded as though Eba had caught Yotsuba in the hallway - though as I stood wordlessly over the sink running water over my hands, I couldn't quite tell if they were walking by, or standing outside the door.
"Well," Yotsuba said, "I have heard that there are benefits both to active recovery and fully resting, so-"
"By the way, Nakano-san," Eba said, her voice authoritative as she cut Yotsuba off. "We're having a special training session this weekend. It'll be an intensive boot camp to prepare for the track meet. We're only two weeks out, so we need to be giving it our all. I trust you'll be attending?"
There was only silence from Yotsuba.
In the washroom, my hands had frozen, water uselessly splashing over them as my head turned to look towards the door, as though drawn by a magnetic force entirely outside my control. A myriad of emotions were streaking through my chest, each moving and passing through so quickly as to be scarcely identifiable.
Shock. Incredulity. Rage. Bafflement.
Fear.
After a long pause, Yotsuba coughed, and then let out an awkward laugh. "W-Well, Eba-san, that's... that's super last minute, isn't it? I already have plans made to study this weekend, since finals start on Monday. So-"
"I trust your plans for a weekend... rendezvous aren't more important than the track meet, are they?" Eba said, her voice ice cold.
"Um... um..."
I couldn't see her, but just from the tone in her voice, I could visualize Yotsuba physically shrinking in the face of Eba's look of steel. A rush of anger burst through me, but I wrestled it down - unfortunately, it probably wouldn't do Yotsuba any good if I came storming out of the washroom to give Eba a piece of my mind, despite how much I wanted to.
Probably.
"I... I guess... not..." Yotsuba said, her voice barely more than a whimper.
Slowly, I closed my eyes. A soft groan came out of my mouth, a quiet hurt. Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself.
"Good," Eba said pointedly. "You're our star, Nakano-san. The team needs you in the shape of your life - you're indispensable."
"Oh... ok." Yotsuba said, her voice somehow sounding even more constrained.
"Well then- I'll see you outside the school tomorrow afternoon at the time we would usually have our practice. Bring clothes for two nights; we'll be returning Sunday evening."
Yotsuba didn't say anything, and so I could only presume that she nodded. Then, there was the sound of footsteps; from the heavy, purpose-laden footfalls, I could only presume it was Eba marching away. There was a pregnant pause, a moment of silence... and then a deep, quavering exhalation of breath from Yotsuba.
The water had long-since stopped running over my hands. Looking down, I found to my quiet surprise that they were shaking. Whether it was from anger, or from one of the half-dozen other emotions that had flown through my chest, I had no idea. Regardless, they were trembling, completely beyond my control.
As I looked back up, I heard softer footsteps walking away- and when I eventually exited back out into the hallway, Yotsuba was nowhere to be found.
Staring down the hallway in the direction she'd likely gone, I could feel the slithering feeling of acidic anxiety flowing freely in my stomach - the sort of half-burning, half-gnawing sensation which I'd hoped I'd managed to put behind me after my talk with Yotsuba. Curling around my spine as a snake climbing a branch. Ascending upwards towards my heart, forked tongue flicking out as though mocking me.
I don't want her to go.
The thought caught me by surprise... but as I began walking towards the library, there was no doubt in my mind as to its veracity.
I don't want her to go.
The night was filled with anxious tossing and turning. The finals were upon us, looming large as life. There was no time left - and Yotsuba was about to be snatched out of my hands, dragged away from me directly into the grasping claws of failure. My dreams were torrid, an indecipherable morass of emotion and visions, nothing lasting nor consistent. When I awoke in the morning, it was in a cold sweat.
Raiha had woken up before me, and as I violently jerked awake, she had jumped about a foot in the air. She'd been concerned - but luckily, I'd eventually managed to convince her that it was just exam-related stress.
It was even, possibly, the truth. Just not for my own sake.
When I entered the school gates later that morning, I could see the black car of foreign make in the distance drawing closer. For a moment, I paused, watching its approach, hypnotized by its sleek exterior... and then I shook myself out of my reverie, and walked towards the school doors. As much as I wanted to talk to Yotsuba, I didn't particularly want to hear the comments Nino would make if I stood there gaping at their car like an idiot.
When the quintuplets walked in amongst the footlockers after a few minutes, I raised a hand in greeting - and while a few of them returned the gesture, Yotsuba walked right by me, a dazed look on her face. Surprised, as I watched her go, I could feel the acidic feeling in the depths of my stomach once again, coiling at its base. I wasn't sure if she was just so tired that she hadn't noticed me... or if there was something more to it.
I desperately hoped it was the former.
As I walked to the classroom with Itsuki, the image of Yotsuba's face kept turning over in my mind. There were definitely shadows forming under her eyes now. It was as though she were walking through the fog of a dream, her reactions delayed, her mind elsewhere. Seeing her like that... I could feel the concern writhing in my chest.
"Uesugi-kun? Are you alright?"
Snapping out of it, I glanced over at Itsuki, whose brow was furrowed in concern.
"Yeah, I'm... I'm fine," I murmured, shaking my head. "Just a lot on my mind."
"I see," she replied, frowning. "Well... if you want to talk about it..."
"Thanks," I said, as we approached the classroom door. "I might take you up on that at some point."
Itsuki silently nodded as I slid the door open and we walked in. Moving to our respective desks, I could hear giggles from some of the other girls in the class... but I quickly tuned them out, turning instead to stare out the window at the reddened trees that stood in a resplendent row beyond the building.
Soon, in a mere matter of weeks, their leaves would fall, leaving the branches which they had once adorned bereft.
But for now, their colour remained. For now, they were beautiful.
Ephemeral.
Eventually, it was lunch, and I was buying my usual meal. Yet, my eyes were set to one task alone: locating Yotsuba amidst the crowd. With the sudden conundrum that had been set forth by Eba, I wanted to talk to her. To find out what she was going to do.
To find out if she was going to go.
The acidic feeling was still writhing in my belly.
I couldn't find her, and so, defeated, I walked over to our normal spot. If I couldn't go to her, maybe she would come to me.
After a few minutes, I heard footsteps, and I looked up from my food to see Yotsuba approaching. She put her tray down, and then collapsed into the chair. Leaning forward, she put her head in her arms, and let out a long, low groan.
"Hey," I said, frowning slightly. "Long day?"
"Hi," Yotsuba said from somewhere inside of her fortress made of arm. "Yes."
I reached over and gently patted her shoulder. Her head shifted, almost giving her ribbon the appearance of twitching like a cat ear. As she looked up and glanced over at my hand, there was a faint pink glow to her cheeks. Then, she looked over at me, and gave me a tired grin.
The acidic feeling in my stomach retreated at her smile, forced back by the radiance of her lips.
She must have just been that tired.
Yet, where the acidic snake had once been, indecision welled up in its place, a hesitancy that stayed my tongue - I wanted to ask. I wanted to ask her about the conversation with Eba, and about her plans, and about how the hell she was planning to balance all of the competing demands that were pulling her life in every direction.
But, I didn't want to admit to eavesdropping, and so I waited for her to say the first word.
Luckily, I didn't have to wait long.
"Yeah, I... just got some news yesterday. So..."
I froze, then slowly withdrew my hand. Yotsuba glanced up at the spot where it had been for a moment, then looked back at me.
"I was talking with Eba yesterday, and um... she told me that there's a training camp for the track team over the weekend. Some kind of overnight thing."
Fresh irritation spilled into my veins, running hot - and even as I had known it was coming, I could feel my eye involuntarily twitch. Slowly, deeply, I drew in breath, seeking to calm myself, to push back the frustration that was mounting within me.
"I... see."
"Yeah... it's apparently mandatory."
"Is it now?" I said, looking down at my food in hopes that Yotsuba wouldn't see the look I knew was plastered across my face.
"Mmm. But... I don't know what to do, Uesugi-san. I just... I don't know."
I glanced up again, silent. Our eyes met. There was a look on Yotsuba's face, drawn eyebrows and downturned corners of her lips. Glistening eyes, their deep blue clouded by exhaustion. There was something plaintive to her expression as I looked at her.
Wordlessly, I wondered what she saw as she gazed back at me.
Regardless of what she may or may not have gleaned from my eyes, eventually she broke contact and looked down at the table. Drawing her shoulders in tight, she shook her head.
"On the one hand," she murmured, "I want to do my absolute best on these exams - we worked so hard, and I was so frustrated when I only passed four out of five midterms. You've also put so much work into helping me; before the midterms, and now. Takeda-san too, at least since the school trip. I know that if I spend this weekend studying a ton, it'll make a big difference..."
I waited, my eyes locked on her downturned head.
"On the other hand... I committed to the track team. I don't want to skip their events, and leave them out to dry. I made a promise to do my best, and Eba-san said... she said they need me. That I'm their... um, that I'm important to the team. So..."
Yotsuba lifted her head to look at me again - and the plaintive look was back in her eyes.
"I don't know what to do, Uesugi-san. I..."
Slowly, I closed my eyes, Yotsuba disappearing from my vision. Taking another deep breath, I attempted to slow my pounding heart, driven out of sync by my irritation and frustration. The object of my anger wasn't present at the table. There was no use in letting it out... despite the quiet hurt that was whispering in my chest at her indecision.
"Do you want my opinion?" I asked softly, opening my eyes.
Yotsuba paused a moment, and then nodded her head.
"I don't think you should go."
There was a long moment of silence, as Yotsuba digested my words. Chewing on her lip, she turned to look away from me, staring out into the distance. Then, slowly, she shook her head.
"Isn't there some way I can do both?" she whispered. "Some way that I can make everyone happy?"
"Unless you can find a way to clone yourself, no," I said drily.
"I mean... I can go on the trip, but still study, right...?"
Looking over her face, the fatigue was obvious - and it was somehow only then that I finally made the connection. The inexplicable improvement, beyond anything I would have expected from her sessions with Takeda. The way she'd grown more and more exhausted as the month had gone on. The blatant signs, staring me right in the eye.
It was in front of me the whole time. How the hell didn't I notice?
In being faced with a choice between studying for finals and training for the track meet, when forced to choose between those two competing desires, Yotsuba had chosen not to choose.
Yet, not sacrificing something was an impossibility.
And so, she'd chosen to sacrifice sleep instead.
She's been staying up late studying. Possibly every night.
The realization hit me like a train, a complete derailment of my previously held conceptions. Looking her over with new eyes, more signs of her exhaustion made themselves obvious. Her hunched shoulders, the pallor of her face, the shadows under her eyes, the way her hands were slightly shaking. Her shot nerves.
In the face of her dedication, I wasn't immediately sure what to do.
"...I'll do both," Yotsuba said quietly, oblivious to my sudden revelation. "I'll uphold my responsibilities to the track team... and get all my studying done..."
I closed my eyes again... and then sighed.
"I don't think this will end the way you want it to," I murmured. "What you're doing... it isn't sustainable."
Yotsuba was silent for a moment, her eyes narrowed as she stared down at the linoleum table between us. Then, shaking her head, she pulled her textbook out of her bag, and looked back up at me.
"I'm going to do my best. Let's study."
I took that as an indication the conversation was over... and so I pulled out my own flashcards, an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. It wasn't quite the acidity of before, so much as a deep-seated sense of worry. Despite my own history of sacrificing things to study, seeing someone I cared about make the same tradeoff was... upsetting.
Yet, it felt as though criticizing that choice was hypocritical.
So, I kept my mouth shut.
Is this... how she felt?
Eventually, the bell rang, and Yotsuba left for class. I was left behind at the table, staring blankly ahead... and wondering what the hell to do. It was only when I felt a tap on my shoulder that I was roused from my trance of indecision, and I looked up over my shoulder to see Itsuki standing behind me, a concerned look on her face.
"Uesugi-kun... we need to go to class."
"Oh... right..."
Shaking my head, I packed my bag, and then got to my feet. I could feel my face heating up in embarrassment.
"Sorry," I added, rubbing the back of my head. "I just... yeah. Sorry."
Itsuki shrugged her shoulders, and started walking. "I have no idea why you're apologizing, but alright. If you're really sorry, you can always buy me a drink from the vending machine on the way back to class."
I scowled at her. "I'm not that sorry."
Itsuki laughed, and after a moment I smiled too.
The walk back to class was companionable, mostly consisting of small talk about the upcoming exam. Yet, there was a part of my mind that was distracted, focusing on the conundrum within which Yotsuba found herself. The acidic feeling in my stomach had refused to go away; and whenever I thought of how tired she looked, my chest clenched.
Pull yourself together.
When the bell marking the end of the day rang, I was still caught up in a flurry of unresolved emotion - I wasn't even sure what I was feeling anymore.
Anger, hurt, frustration, fear.
They were all forming a bubbling morass in my chest, a mixture of indecipherable constituents. Yet, throughout all the oily sludge, there was a single core that underpinned everything, an emotional thread which I was sure of.
It became all the more clear as I passed a window in the hallway, and saw the track team gathered outside, assorted bags littered around them. Pressing my face against the glass, its cool touch a welcome grace, I stared out at them.
"I don't want her to go."
The words, whispered aloud in the emptiness of the hallway, hung in the air, suspended like water droplets forming a fine mist.
They whispered back to me.
The truth.
I don't want her to go.
My feet were moving.
Forward, through the hall. Scrambling. Down the stairs. Out the door, as fast as my legs could carry me- and across the field, buildings blurring by, my focus entirely drawn in.
Drawn in by the girl with the green ribbon who was walking away from me.
I don't want her to-
"Yotsuba!"
She turned - and four other faces turned along with her. Suddenly, panting, it was as though I were standing before a court, looming large over me. Judging me.
Some eyes were filled with curiosity.
Some eyes were filled with ice.
"Uesugi-san?" Yotsuba asked, her eyebrows drawn together. "W-what are you doing here?"
Wheezing, hands on my knees, I tried desperately to catch my breath. I took a moment, inhaling greedily to draw in one more raspy pull of air. Then, standing up, heart pounding just as much from adrenaline as from exertion, I locked eyes with Yotsuba.
"Don't go."
Yotsuba's face immediately began to redden, and I could hear some inane tittering from some of the other members of the track team.
"Uesugi-san, I-"
Yet, before she could properly respond, a voice of ice and steel and quiet, quiet rage spoke from seemingly far away.
A voice that demanded order, and silence, and compliance.
"What," Eba said softly, "do you think you're doing?"
The other girls fell silent as the black-haired captain stepped forward, putting a protective hand on Yotsuba's shoulder as she faced me. At her touch, I could feel an incandescent fury beginning to build in my chest - but I swallowed it down. Pushing it into the depths, so deep that the emotion I still refused to acknowledge as jealousy couldn't slip its way free, and control me.
Yotsuba's eyes flitted to Eba's hand for a moment, before returning to me. She subtly shifted under her touch.
"This has nothing to do with you," I said, shaking my head, my gaze refusing to be pulled away. "I was talking to Yotsuba."
"I think it's maybe my business if you try to steal our star athlete two weeks before the track meet."
I slowly turned to look at Eba, my eyes finally locking onto hers. There was an unspoken message she was throwing my way, one that was beyond Yotsuba, who was looking back and forth between us. It was apparent in the clutch of her hand, the way she had positioned, her body intersecting the path between us, acting as a protective shield.
It was as though she were silently screaming a message at me.
Mine.
Staring at her face, I could feel the corner of my lips curl downward.
Who the hell do you think you are?
"It's not stealing," I said, the words soft and smooth, not betraying the frothing caldera within. "After all, you don't own Yotsuba. She's an independent person who's fully capable of making these decisions herself."
"That's not what I meant," Eba scoffed, condescension slipping into her voice, "and you know it. Don't play dumb."
"I'm not," I scowled. "She's not your plaything. You can't just impose your will on her, and keep pressuring her to do whatever you want at the expense of her grades and of her health. You're doing too much."
"I'm not going to take lessons on leadership from some stuck-up teacher's pet who-"
I felt my eye twitch. "Are you serious? Can't you see she's at her limit? You've gone too far, and you're going too hard on her. Do your damn job, captain."
Eba's stony cold look devolved into a picture of fury. Lifting her hand off Yotsuba's shoulder, she stepped forward and jabbed her finger at me, the tip mere centimetres away from my face.
"I don't know who you think you are," she hissed, her voice subtly trembling. "But you don't get to waltz in here and criticize all of our hard work. This track meet is really important for everyone on this team - our admittance to university programs could hinge on the results. We're all working our asses off; you don't get to write all of that effort and dedication off."
For a moment, my eyes tried to focus on the finger in my face - but it was too close, and eventually I gave up and locked onto her eyes, the accusatory finger turning into a mere blur in the foreground. My own rage, bottled and suppressed and pushed down with an iron grip, pressed back against me, and it was all I could do to keep it contained.
"I'm not writing off your efforts," I said, shaking my head. "I'm saying that you're sabotaging Yotsuba's. She has to pass these finals. Her own future depends on it - or is that something that didn't even occur to you?"
"Nakano-san will be fine," Eba said, rolling her eyes. "Academically, university sports programs only care about whether you have a high enough score to not fail the grade. The main thing they care about is your athletic results - and she's already at a disadvantage, because she hasn't been involved in track and field for all three of her years of high school. I refuse to let a potential star like her be buried in obscurity!"
I glanced over at Yotsuba. She looked pale- I wasn't sure how much of that was because of the ongoing argument, and how much was due to her present constitution. Silently, I arched an eyebrow at her... and a look crossed her face that was hard to read. A slight tightening of her lips, maybe.
"If she goes on this trip," I said softly, shaking my head, "there's a non-zero chance she fails the finals."
"That's fine," Eba said dismissively. "She just has to pass the grade."
"Do you just not care about her academics at all?" I asked, my voice beginning to rise.
"No, I don't!" Eba replied, her volume rising to match mine. "I care about her performance on the track!"
"Well that explains it then!" I snarled. "Just because you don't care about academics doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way!"
"Shut up, nerd," she sneered, anger and condescension combining to contort her face. "We don't need to be having this conversation - you're not a part of this decision. Nakano-san is coming with us on the trip, and that's final."
In the depths of my chest, it was like a cord snapped. The shackles attempting to hold down my rage, bottling it and repressing it, were ripped apart in the blink of an eye - and in a second, I felt like I was looking at Eba with new eyes. Rising slightly from the slouched posture I'd unconsciously taken in the face of her verbal onslaught, I reached up, and roughly pushed her hand out of my face.
"That decision isn't up to you - it's up to her!" I hissed. "You don't get to make it for her. Just because she agreed to join the track team doesn't mean you have the right to control her life; and frankly, you don't deserve to have any say in her life. You only care about Yotsuba the athlete - you don't give a shit about Yotsuba the person. "
Trembling slightly, I stepped forward into the space left open by her swatted-aside arm, and jabbed my own finger into her face.
"You're lucky, you know," I growled. "You're so damned lucky that she's as patient as she is. If I was the one being put through the shit you're putting her through, I'd have quit ages ago. Your last minute planning, your spontaneous extra practices, your everything-else-be-damned attitude... if it was just for yourself, it would be fine, but you're forcing it onto everyone else around you."
Eba was shaking in front of me, her face a painting in fury. As she opened her mouth to respond, though, I jabbed my finger at her again.
"You didn't actually give her a choice about coming on this trip - you just pressured her into it. Yotsuba should be allowed to freely decide these things for herself. Not because you decided that the rest of her life wasn't a priority!"
"Of course I gave her a choice, asshole," Eba scowled. "Don't just make stuff up! You're spouting bull-"
"I was there," I said flatly. "You didn't."
"Excuse me?" she said, a look of incredulity growing on her face. "You absolutely were not. Why are you lying?"
"You were talking outside the men's washroom on the second floor near the library. I was inside washing my hands at the time."
After a moment of confusion, Eba froze- and then the scowl grew even deeper on her face. "So what? I didn't force her to come. She could have said no; she agreed to come on the training camp. I'm getting really sick of this shi-"
"You absolutely pressured her. She told you she had plans on the weekend, and you guilted her into coming by asking if those plans were more important than the track meet."
"I-"
"Let's ask her," I said sharply, looking past her at Yotsuba. "She's here - she deserves to be part of this conversation, instead of just having us talk about her."
Yotsuba looked distinctly like she would rather be in any other place. As I brought the focus of the group's attention onto her, she looked like a deer in headlights - and I was struck by a sudden pang of guilt, so intense that it snuffed out my anger. Guilt for having dragged the conflict which had long been brewing out into the open, and guilt for having forced this situation onto her.
But... in the end, she needed to decide for herself. Not based on what I wanted, and not because Eba was pressuring her.
She needed to make her own decision.
"I- um, I..."
Yotsuba stuttered, at a loss for words. She shrank back further as Eba's gaze rounded on her, still fiery from our exchange. Then, looking past her, Yotsuba's eyes made contact with mine... and my heart ached at the look of sheer panic on her exhausted face. There was that plaintive look on her face again... but also one which seemed to be searching for something. Reassurance, maybe. Support.
"I can... I can do both," she eventually whispered, squaring her shoulders. "I can study at night, and..."
"See?" Eba said smugly, turning back to me. "She wants to come on the trip. So you can pack up and go now. Bye-bye."
Ignoring her, I kept my eyes trained on Yotsuba. She seemed to be talking to herself more than either of us, her eyes now cast downward. The words she was saying, the tone... it sounded as though she were trying to convince us.
To convince herself.
I stepped forward and walked past Eba, who let out a squawk of protest. Reaching out my hands, I gently grasped Yotsuba's shoulders - and she looked up at me with those large blue eyes that were full of questions, and uncertainty, and fear. All of those things... and trust. She trusted me. I could feel my heart clenching in my chest, and it was all I could do to stop myself from drawing her in close.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly let it out in a sigh - and with it was carried what was left of my rage, suddenly extinguished. Ultimately, Eba didn't matter. Getting the last word didn't matter. My feelings in this didn't matter.
Only one thing mattered.
Yotsuba.
"If this really is what you want, I won't try and stop you," I said softly to her. "I don't think it's what's right for you - but that's only because I care about you, and I can see what this is doing to you. I want you to be happy... and so, if this is what brings you joy, I'll back off. I'll... I'll even apologize to your captain."
She looked up at me wordlessly, her breath seemingly held. The small crowd was silent - or maybe their words had simply melted out of my consciousness in the face of the wordless emotion running between myself and Yotsuba.
"But."
Her eyes were held in mine, and I could feel the beast in the cage screaming. Screaming for release. Screaming for me to take that extra step forward. Crying. Begging. Roaring in desperation. The steel bars bent, forced outward by the immense pressure within- but did not break. The prisoner would not be freed. Not that day.
I had higher priorities.
"I'll repeat what I asked you when you first decided to join the track team."
Yotsuba's eyes widened slightly, and I leaned forward, my face now merely a dozen centimetres away from hers.
"Is this something you want to do?"
"I need-"
"No," I said, cutting her off. "Sorry, but- I'm not asking if it's something you feel like you need to do. I'm asking if this trip is what you want to do."
Yotsuba grew silent. Her eyes lowered, seemingly staring into my chest, her brow slowly furrowing in thought. I could see a whole flurry of emotions crossing her face, a storm of guilt and regret and anxiety and also, perhaps, a flash of hope. Regardless of what it was, when she looked back up at me, there was a glimmer in her eye that hadn't been there before, forcing its way out through the dull matte of her exhaustion.
She whispered something under her breath, a single word, too quiet for me to hear even at my close range.
So, I just waited silently.
Then, she closed her eyes, sighed, and then opened them again to look over at Eba.
"Um... Eba-san..."
"Yes?" she replied, a strained note of repressed incredulity in her voice.
I pulled my arms back off of Yotsuba's shoulders, leaving her free to face her captain. She spared me a glance with a soft smile, and turned to Eba.
Then, she bowed her head.
"I'm really sorry... but I don't think I'm going to be coming on the trip after all. I've thought about what Uesugi-san said, and while I don't agree with everything he said earlier... it's true that this trip was too last-minute for me, and I felt really pressured to come for the good of the team. I... I really want to pass these exams. I've put a load of time and work into them... and I want to do my best to succeed."
Eba seemed genuinely shocked by Yotsuba's words - her mouth had dropped open, her eyes wide. For a moment, her jaw trembled, as though she were about to say something. Then, finally, she drew it shut... and pinched the bridge of her nose, eyes closing.
"Nakano-san," she said softly, a note of aggravation in her voice. "The track meet is in two weeks' time. Are you... leaving the team? This late?"
"No!" Yotsuba said hurriedly, shaking her head. "I'm not quitting the team - and I'll still be there for the track meet. I promise! I said I would do my best when I joined, and I meant it. I just need to take a few days for the finals. I'll be back to practicing my heart out as soon as they're done."
"I'm still not ok with it," Eba said, shaking her head. "Missing two days of intensive practice will do a world of harm to your chances in the meet - I can't say I support this."
"But I-"
"You heard her decision," I finally cut in, putting a protective hand on Yotsuba's shoulder and stepping forward to subtly move between the two of them. "You were pressuring her into coming on this hare-brained boot camp you dreamed up at the last minute. It's to be expected that it wouldn't fly."
"You can shut up," Eba scowled at me. "Nakano-san, I-"
"I'm sorry, Eba-san," Yotsuba said, bowing deeply. "I'm not going. I need to study."
"Listen, you can spend the evenings-"
I reached down and grabbed Yotsuba's hand - a palm-on-palm grasp, a fundamentally different beast from the way she'd held my hand at the bonfire. It was a fundamentally utilitarian thing - and yet, nevertheless, it sent lightning up my arm, every sense screaming at the skin-on-skin contact. Yotsuba turned to look at me in sudden surprise- and then astonishment as I began dragging her away. Luckily, she'd still had her duffel bag over her shoulder.
"You've said your piece, Yotsuba," I said, shaking my head. "You don't want to go- you don't have to go. We're leaving."
"Damn it, I'm not done talking! Nakano-san-"
"I'm sorry, Eba-san!" Yotsuba called as I pulled her away from the group. "I promise to still do some light training during the finals so I don't get rusty!"
"That won't be enough for-"
We were gone.
She was free.
What have I done?
I pulled Yotsuba through the front door of the school and into the footlocker area. Reaching a bench for changing footwear, I finally paused - and sighed, sitting down. My hand failed to make the descent with me, and I looked up to realize that it was still in Yotsuba's. My face immediately heating up, I hurriedly let go.
She looked at it for a moment, and then down at me.
"Well... um..." I said, floundering about for words for a moment... before realizing I had no idea what to say to her.
We stayed there in silence for a moment, the weight of all the things I'd said to Eba in the heat of my rage filling the air between us... and then Yotsuba sat on the bench next to me, and silently rested her head on my shoulder.
"Yotsuba?! What are you-"
"Sorry," she whispered. "I'm just... really tired suddenly."
"O-oh."
"Do you mind if I just... rest for a moment?"
I swallowed. "Um... sure. That's fine."
With those words, we both fell silent again. I could feel the thumping of my heart in my chest... and I wondered if she could hear it too. Yet, as I listened to her breathing, there was a peaceful quality to it. The last time she'd rested on my shoulder, I'd been overwhelmed by emotion - but this time, while I felt a complete awareness of the pressure of her touch, I felt calm.
We stayed that way for a long time.
Eventually, Yotsuba shifted, and let out a soft sigh. I tried to turn my head to look at her - but found that I couldn't. She was almost up against my neck.
That's fine.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Yeah?"
"...Thank you."
I smiled softly. "I thought I was embarrassing the hell out of you. I got really worried I'd gone too far."
"You were. But... still. Thank you. I... I think I needed it. I really didn't want to go, but... I didn't feel like I could say no. The team needs me. Eba-san needs me. I just kept telling myself that over, and over, and over... until eventually, it felt like turning them down would have been selfish of me. Like it would have been a betrayal. And I..."
I reached up and stroked Yotsuba's hair, eliciting a small squeak from her.
"Wanting to have boundaries isn't being selfish," I said quietly. "And even if it were... you could stand to be a bit more selfish."
"I don't deserve to be more selfish," Yotsuba murmured- and I got the distinct sense that she wasn't just talking about the track team anymore. "I've already been selfish enough for a lifetime."
Silently, I stared ahead... and tried desperately not to read too much into what she was saying.
There was a sniffle from Yotsuba, and I wondered for a moment if she were crying. Yet, I couldn't turn my head to look, and so I merely contented myself with stroking her hair. Eventually, she sat up, and turned to look at me, my hand falling away.
As I'd suspected, her eyes looked puffy, though there were no tear stains on her cheeks. There was a look in her eyes, one that I wasn't sure I recognized - and suddenly, I was extremely conscious of how close she was. I was drawn in, bewitched by her eyes, the nearness of her lips, so close that I could lean in and...
Yotsuba smiled at me, and I could feel a shiver run down my spine - but the spell was broken.
...What was that?
"Well, that's enough feeling sorry for myself," she said, grinning sheepishly, her face red. "Thanks for saving me, Uesugi-san!"
"When you put it like that, it sounds way more dramatic than me just running up and being an ass to Eba," I frowned, rubbing the back of my head.
"Ah... hmm... I don't know what we're going to do about Eba-san," she frowned. "She was really mad. I'm... a bit scared, to be honest."
I shrugged. "We'll think of something. She's future Yotsuba's problem now."
"Wow- thank you for the gift, past Yotsuba! I'll make sure to cherish it!"
Despite myself, I laughed, and Yotsuba smiled at me again. The exhaustion was still present in her eyes, and in her face - but the grin that lit up the room was back on her lips, and for a moment, all felt right in the world again.
"So... what should present Yotsuba do, since we've shoved all of her problems onto future Yotsuba?" she teased, gently punching my shoulder.
Getting up from the bench, I stretched my shoulders. Then, turning back around, I offered my hand to her, and helped her to her feet - her touch light, if brief.
"That's easy," I said, a sombre look crossing my face. "We're out of time. Let's study."
A/N: Hello everybody, hope you're doing well! I'm sorry this chapter was so late - I had a number of things in my personal life (mostly work-related, unfortunately) come up that kept me away from writing. That combined with the time it took to get the second chapter of "A Sonata of Solitude" fully in order, and I just have been devoid of time. So, I'll do my best to get the next chapter out sooner rather than later - but be forewarned! It may take a while. Hopefully not a month this time.
Speaking of which, it's been about a month since the last chapter, and a month is a longer amount of time than a day, and so that means we're officially past the one-year anniversary of "How We Met Again"! It's been a crazy year, but here's to more to come! I don't know yet if we'll finish before the second anniversary: but I hope you'll all be along for the ride!