Jay notices that Cole always leaves before Zane arrives, normally he gets half an hour or so by himself before Zane walks in at precisely 7pm. At first he thought they were being considerate, deliberately scheduling in alone time, but now he wasn't so sure. They were keeping a little shared diary which was kept by his bed, recording meds, symptoms, appointments, and general events of each day. The Jay Diaries. He understood why they were doing it, remembering everything was hard, and the doctors always had a lot of info... After finishing his entry for the day, Cole had slammed it shut. "Make sure Zane reads this would you?" The tone wasn't right. The way he said Zane. Jay's mind had been stuck pondering that until Zane came through the door.
"Good evening Jay." says Zane. He goes over to change the water in the flowers his parents had left, and checks Jay's cup is full before settling into the chair. Jay stares at him blankly, still stuck in thought.
"Is there something on my face?" asks Zane.
Jay blinks, realising he had been staring. "Are you fighting with Cole?" he asks.
"I don't think so?" says Zane, as he quickly reviews his recent interactions with Cole. "He did yell at me when you were intubated, and has been a bit distant since then." he adds.
"He yelled at you?" It was hard to imagine Cole yelling at Zane. Kai sure, but Zane? "What happened?"
"I think he was just frightened." Says Zane. "You stopped breathing, it scared him."
Jay frowns, "I thought they ventilated me when I got too tired?"
"I was not there for that part, but I think they realised you were too tired because you stopped breathing. Do you remember what happened?" Zane asks gently.
Jay pauses, he had been trying not to remember that part, although it sometimes popped up in his dreams. Lying there, in pain with crushing fatigue. But not knowing felt worse somehow, so he decided to try and remember. He rolls over onto his good side. "I think I was lying like this.." He frowns, what came next? "I was coughing a lot." Just the thought of coughing, triggers a small coughing fit. This one wasn't so bad, but it pulled at a memory of intense pain shooting through his side, and gasping for air. Maybe remembering wasn't a good idea.. Zane's hand is suddenly in his own, offering comfort, so he keeps going. "I asked for Cole."
"Yes, I went and got him." adds Zane. "Then what happened?"
Jay frowns, seeing flashes. He remembers saying 'I can't.. Cole, I can't!' Cole was speaking, the tone sounded urgent, why can't I hear what Cole is saying? 'I want to stop..' he had gasped between sobs.
"I, I think I gave up.." says Jay with horrid realisation. So this too was my fault. I wasn't strong enough. I just needed to keep breathing and I failed at that too.. But what was Cole saying? Why did he yell at Zane? Jay closes his eyes, trying again to hear Cole.
'Jay stop!' says Cole forcefully, staring at him with scared, angry eyes, clutching his hands so tightly it hurt.
Jay gasps, opening his eyes once more. That one didn't feel right, why would Cole yell at me to stop? Was that part a dream?
"Maybe you should stop." says Zane gently, still clutching his hand.
Jay nods, turning off his side, and adjusting the bed so he can sit up a little. But the bubble was free. The memory of Cole yelling at him now floating through his mind. It drifts through once more, in more detail this time. I felt panicked, I was scared.. Jay lifts a hand to his throat, oh, it was later, I had the tube in.. sparks tingle in his hands, mixed with blue flashes, as Cole grabs them tightly, nails digging in. 'Jay stop!' he says fiercely. Jay looks down at his current hands, opening them, seeing them tremble slightly. It was Cole, I hurt Cole.. I used my powers on Cole.. He starts to sniffle, tears welling up as his hands get blurry. He hadn't cried yet, not properly, everything had felt too foggy, like he would eventually wake up from this strange nightmare, but the gates were open, and he had a lot to cry about.
He vaguely notices Zane climbing into the bed with him. His cool hand drawing calming circles on Jay's back. "I'm sorry." says Zane. "I didn't realise remembering would be so painful."
Jay curls up leaning into Zane. He was the least comfortable one to hug, but he would have to do. Jay cries big ugly gasps, coughing occasionally, but never feeling like he's struggling to breathe. He didn't want to be in the hospital, he didn't want to feel so weak, he didn't want a tube in his throat, he didn't want to be sick anymore, he didn't want Nya to be gone, he didn't want to have asthma, and he really didn't want to hurt anyone. He continues sobbing for a while, letting his thoughts spiral. Jay was sick of being brave, sick of being strong, he let the tears flow. Nothing about this was right.
"Jay?" says a familiar voice from the doorway.
"Thank you for coming back." says Zane, "I think he needs you."
When had Zane called Cole?
Cole comes over to the bed and swaps with Zane, his body feels so warm and soft compared to Zane's rigid form. Jay continues to cry as Cole puts a warm arm around him. "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"
Jay takes Cole's free hand, gently opening it up, looking at the palm, tracing his shaking fingers through it. Cole remembers Lloyd inspecting his hands the same way earlier. Shit, he remembered.. I'm too late, again.. Cole sighs, taking his other hand from around Jay's shoulder, offering it up for inspection too. Jay's body continues to jolt with each sob, liquids dripping down his puffy face. "See, I'm fine. You didn't hurt me ok?"
A tear falls into Cole's second hand as Jay tenderly runs his fingers through it. "But I.. you were.. yelling.." sobs Jay, barely coherent.
Cole feels tears forming in his own eyes. "And I am so very sorry." he says, a slight crack in his voice. He takes Jay's hands, their turn for an inspection, looking for scratches, bruising, any sign that he grabbed them too hard, gently caressing each finger. "You startled me, I reacted, but it was just a little tingle, it didn't hurt. You didn't hurt me."
"You didn't.. tell me.."
"I thought knowing would hurt you, I didn't want to hurt you." says Cole gently, voice still cracking. "I should have told you, I'll tell you now, anything you want to know."
Jay curls in on himself, leaning over onto Cole. Head now resting on his muscular chest. His crying if anything is more intense. Cole repositions slightly, leaning back, wrapping his arm around Jay, trying to make sure he is comfortable. He feels so fragile and small, he'd definitely lost weight. "Cry as much as you want, you've earned it."
They lie like that for a while, Jay for once allowing himself to be vulnerable, to be held, to not try and pull himself together, but rather show his friends how he was really feeling.
"I miss Nya."
"Yeah, me too."
"I hate this.. I want to go home."
"Soon, it could be any day now."
"But I'll still be sick.."
"Yeah, for a while."
"I was really sick, huh? Like I could have died?"
Cole pauses, lump stuck in his throat. "Yeah." he says, voice wavering. "But you didn't."
"Did I give up?" Jay asks quietly, voice barely a whisper. His sobbing had started to ease up.
Cole thinks carefully about how to answer, he had just promised to tell Jay everything. "You wanted to. But you kept breathing until the doctor said you could stop."
Jay looks up at Cole, "You're not lying?"
Cole shakes his head. "When it got too hard you asked for help, you called me, you told me, you wanted to give up but you kept breathing until the doctor came. She asked if you wanted to be intubated, if you wanted a rest, and then, well, you stopped breathing. You didn't give up."
"I'm sorry." says Zane. Cole turns, he had forgotten Zane was still there. "I should have noticed how much you were struggling, I put too much faith in the numbers on the screen."
Jay sniffles. "It's ok. Not your fault." he then turns up to Cole. "You should forgive him too."
Cole frowns, how was he so damn perceptive? He looks over to Zane with a sigh. "You did your best. We're all just doing our best, right?" He gives Jay a comforting squeeze.
Jay nods.
"Indeed." Agrees Zane.
After a while Jay falls asleep, Cole gently extracts himself from the bed and goes home in order to rest. He smiles at Zane on the way out, giving his shoulder a friendly pat. "Thanks, for calling me." Zane nods, not wanting to wake Jay from his fragile slumber.
Zane is left to his night duty, watching the even rise and fall of Jay's chest.
He reflects on the evening's events, on the week's events. Goes over each moment in detail, every decision he made. Was he doing the right thing?
He had turned his emotion circuit down to the lowest setting shortly after Nya had left. It was too much, the constant sadness weighing down on his every waking moment. He couldn't focus, he didn't feel like doing anything, it wasn't efficient. His friends needed him, and he couldn't effectively support them if he was drowning in grief, so he turned it off. He was a nindroid, he had options, certain advantages, so he may as well use them.
His efficiency had climbed steeply after he made the change. Everything was numb, just ok, his feelings frozen in ice. He could maintain their vehicles without being sad that this was one of Nya's favourite jobs. He could make dinner without being sad that he was setting one less place at the table. He could be on alert for new threats, monitoring police reports and other sources of data. He could go on. Someone needed to, while his friends took time to grieve, because they couldn't turn it off.
He thought he had been doing a good job at supporting Jay, but that night Jay had needed emotional comfort, and he couldn't do it. Emotions were feeling increasingly foreign, he didn't know how to support Jay as he lay there crying in his arms. So he had called Cole. Cole knew what to do. Cole still had his emotions. Cole had yelled at him, because he missed something, missed how Jay was feeling. Was he right?
'He did not tell me.'
Zane remembered saying those words to Cole. Jay had been laying there for hours. The doctor said it was likely to get worse before it got better, how was he supposed to know that something was wrong? If he had his emotions would he have noticed sooner? Would he have done something? Was there anything he could have done?
Was he doing the right thing?
Zane retreats to the ensuite bathroom, quietly closing the door. He pops open the panel on his chest, reaching for the controls. He turns up his emotions, almost half way, and immediately feels like he is being crushed. He bends over, gasping for air, despite not needing to breathe.
Jay is in the hospital, he almost died and it is your fault. You were offline when it happened, working on updates that could have been postponed. Nya is gone, you have not seen Pixal in months, what if she gets hurt too? What if she does not come back? Lloyd ran away and you did not even notice, Kai left too, everyone is leaving, everyone is leaving you. Just like your father left you when he died in this very hospital..
He turns it back down again, and things return to the familiar numbness. He couldn't do it, not yet, maybe not ever. That was ok, he just needed to be aware of his limitations. Plan for it. He couldn't provide Jay with emotional support, so he had called Cole. Cole had supported Jay, everything is fine. Yes, everything is fine.