Hello!
We are still in the land of angst here, but I'm writing some wonderfully happy chapters right now (~chapters 60 to 70) if that can give you some optimism about their relationship? Soon I may or may not be back onto angst, but they're together again so it's going to be much more bareable.
I hope you're 'enjoying' the drama! I know it's not everyone's favourite but considering what I've put them through already, I don't imagine many angst-haters are here due to the nature of my previous writing.
So...enjoy?
"Take a cookie."
Meredith looked up. It was a regular loud, chaotic morning, but she wasn't paying any attention to anything going on around her. "What?"
"A cookie. Don't look at the cookie like I don't offer you ten every morning."
"I'm okay, Iz." She dismissed before looking back to her book. Derek's book? Her book? He'd told her she could keep them and she supposed that she was going to, but...they still felt like his.
"You need cookies." Izzie pushed again.
"I don't need cookies."
"You're sad. You're lonely. You're single. Therefore, you need cookies."
"I've eaten cookies for breakfast every day for the last month, Iz, I don't-"
"Take. A. Cookie!" She demanded, holding the tin out to her further.
She sighed, and took one. "Fine. But you're gonna be paying for my insulin when I develop type II diabetes."
"That's fine when your alternative is...I don't know, depression?"
"I'm fine, Iz. Please stop worrying about me. I'm not going to implode because I'm single."
"You literally have not smiled since it happened."
Meredith smiled purposefully. "How about now?"
Izzie sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine. But there's only three cookies left so just- just don't let my cookies go bad without finishing the tin, okay?"
"Okay, Iz."
She sighed as she closed the cover.
The last book.
Schdat's guide to neurosurgery. Finished.
Derek adored reading, so they often read together, but she could have never got through them all in this sort of time two months ago. That's what she was thinking about. It was okay to break up with him; it meant she had more time for herself.
Except it wasn't.
It really wasn't.
She could say the kind of things that she said to her friends...that she missed the sex, or the kisses, or the advantages of dating a superior in a hospital (although, obviously, she hadn't said about that one, but she would have if their relationship had been known to the world).
Except that wasn't the truth.
It really wasn't.
She missed the kissing because she missed the way he would hold her, nuzzle against her and kiss her softly over and over while he spoke about how beautiful she was. She missed the sex because of the moment afterwards, when the complexities of the world fell away. And she missed him at the hospital because every time she'd get overwhelmed or stressed over a difficult patient or a silly mistake, he'd follow her to an on-call room and talk and talk and talk until all of her anxieties were gone and, some-freaking-how, she thought she was a good, intelligent woman once again. She didn't understand how he did it. How he did any of it.
That's what she missed.
Nothing that people were supposed to miss. Nothing people in simple, sex-driven relationships missed.
Her and Derek were just pure love.
That was all.
So much, yet so little.
She sighed as she placed the book back on the shelf, and just about caught her tear before it rolled down her cheek.
"How's she doing?"
Meredith sighed. "Surviving. Labs are okay, considering everything. I'm not convinced she'll wake up for at least another few days though."
Derek nodded as he paused by her bed, and collected her chart.
"I've been doing some more talking. About...lots of stuff, actually."
He smiled, just a little. "Great to hear."
"How about you? What does your shrink say to you?"
He licked his lips. "Standard stuff I guess."
"You are talking to your therapist still, right?" She asked with a creased brow. She wasn't bothered that he didn't want to share specifics, she was just worried about the total lack of a convincing tone.
"Of course." He agreed.
"And it's going okay?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?" She replied, not convinced.
He nodded, just a little.
"You don't seem sure, and you don't-"
"I kissed someone." He interrupted.
She paused. "What?"
"It's not a thing-thing. Not...I mean- I just-" He paused in the hope that when he started speaking again, his words would come out in sentences. "I just need you to know that I kissed someone else."
"So what you said about you not being able to be in a relationship-"
"It's different. It...it's not the same with her."
"Derek." She sighed. She didn't sound offended or surprised, just disappointed in his attempt.
"I'm telling the truth." He replied, which was of course the most suspicious thing he could say to that. He might as well as admitted to the lie in that very second.
She grabbed the bar by his feet, and turned him so she was facing him a little better. She sighed when he didn't even protest to that. "Look at me."
"Meredith-"
"Look. At. Me." She repeated, her voice more powerful this time. "Look at me in the eye and tell me you kissed someone."
He swallowed, and looked up, although his eyes couldn't quite reach hers.
"Tell me again." She instructed again.
He sighed, and looked away. He couldn't even try to complete her request. "I'm sorry. I...you know I can't lie to you."
"So you're trying to hurt me now?" She asked. "You're lying to make me feel pain, and it almost worked- except I know you. I know when you're lying."
"I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to get you to go away, so that you don't get hurt again. I'm trying to-"
"-protect me. I know." She repeated. "But Derek, don't do that. I'm not going to stop caring about you and you telling me you've moved on isn't going to change that. And it certainly isn't going to work when I can tell you're lying, because now I'm just even more worried about you. I know you're trying to protect me from you and your pain- it's a thing that you do. You were my knight in shining whatever. But you're not anymore. If I can't worry about you and have my over-protective girlfriend disease going on, then you...you can't be my knight in shining whatever."
"You just said it yourself- you can't be here either."
"Just, tell me what's wrong, Derek. I know you were just trying to get rid of me a minute ago but there...there's another layer of...badness as well here. You're not okay in more than one way."
He stared at her for a long moment before sighing and admitting, "Lots of pain today."
She swallowed. The cause of their breakup. Pain. No one ever liked pain, but she truly did despise it. "Can I do anything?"
He shook his head. "It's not your job."
"I sat with you in that on-call room when you had a cramp before we were together- before we were friends, even. That day, I was just a concerned intern. Now, tell me what you need. Are you okay to be working at all? Do you need me to find someone to get you some meds? What's going on?"
"It's not-" He paused as another wave went down his spine. "It's not the pain. I- I changed pills. The side effects are horrible. It's not half this bad when I'm not on anything...it's the new meds."
"That doesn't mean you're not in pain. It just means there's a different cause- please, Derek, tell me what to do to help you. This doesn't mean anything, you're not admitting to anything or making me think anything, I just...you can't be working when you're in so much pain that I can tell you're upset by looking at you."
He stared at her for a long minute before letting out a long sigh. "Fine. Um- Page Webber, hopefully he'll let me go home."
"You left in the middle of a surgery."
He didn't look up. He knew it was her. He knew it would be her before she even entered.
"Derek."
Nothing.
She sat down on the bed next to him. "Derek, this isn't...it- this is serious. You can't avoid me because you don't like me anymore. Talk. To. Me. Talk to freaking someone. You went home early yesterday, you left a surgery today- this is- just- you can't do this, okay?"
"The patient was covered."
"Derek, that is not the point. That is not the point at freaking all." She sighed. "We're the same. We don't look after ourselves when we're not doing well. Neither of us eat dinner when we're upset. I spend so long in the shower that my skin hurts because I don't have the energy to get out which isn't good, and you're not the same because it's getting in that takes you all the energy, and your hair is suffering, Derek. You're pale, your undereyes are dark, I know what you do when you're in pain- the way you scrub your thigh with the back of your hand or tense your back or readjust your legs or dig your knuckles into your back. I can see when you're suffering and every time I look at you, Derek...you are so not okay."
"It will get better."
"How long have you been off the meds that weren't working?" She asked, worried.
He swallowed. Long enough that he couldn't blame them anymore.
"God-" She sighed when her pager buzzed. 9-1-1, of course. It had to be.
"You have a patient." He muttered.
"I have you to-" She paused as it buzzed again, and again. She sighed. "You stay here. Please. We're not done. Please, Derek."
She wasn't surprised when she opened the door to find an empty on-call room, but that didn't mean her heart didn't drop.
"Hey- long time no speak! Well, I suppose it's actually only been abo-"
"Are you busy?" Derek asked instantly, cutting off her perky, bubbly voice.
"Am I busy?" She repeated, taking no care of his desperate interruption. "Uh- no, not particularly. Just doing some boring old washing."
"Can you come over?" He begged.
"It's kind of late, and I-"
"Please." He breathed. "Please."
She faltered at that. "Derek, are you okay?"
"My mom is five thousand kilometres away, Mark worries about me too much, Bailey scolds me too much, my only other friend is also a paraplegic so can't help, I broke up with Meredith and she scolds and worries about me too much at the same time, and I- I've spent the last month pushing everyone I love away from me when they just want to know I'm doing okay and now- now I need them but I can't deal with that- I'm stubborn and I hate it and I hate myself for it every second of the day and especially- right now, I just- I really-" He paused. He licked his lips. "Please. Just...I need your help. Please."
She swallowed. "I'm out the door, be there in ten."