GATE: Red vs Blue
Finding out the entire Red vs Blue Civil War was a lie, and their bases were nothing more than facilities for simulations and training the Freelancers was not an easy pill to swallow.
"I TOLD YOU! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!" Griff yelled loudly, sounding both vindictive and vindicated.
"Calm down, Grif!" Doc urged in concern. "You're going to have an aneurism if you keep this up."
"Fuck the aneurism! I'm not calming down until Simmons admits I was right!" Griff declared, demanding even as he pointed at Simmons's visor.
"Fine! You were right! Happy!" Simmons answered with a sigh.
"No, no, no! Say it, you fraud!" Grif egged on with an audible grin.
"Jesus! Fine! A puma is a real animal!" Simmons exclaimed in exasperation.
"Is this...really the thing you should feel concerned about?" Zimmerman asked skeptically. "I thought you were looking up proof that there was no civil war?"
"Oh no, we've already come to terms with that," Grif answered casually. "Except for Sarge."
Everyone paused as something exploded inside Red Base.
"He's not taking it well," Donut said in sympathy.
"I should go make sure he doesn't blow himself up," Simmons said cautiously. "Or all of us."
Zimmerman watched as he left before turning to Grif and Donut. "Seriously, you accepted it that easily?"
"Dude, I knew there was something fucky going on for a while. We were struggling against the aliens, and then suddenly we were fighting each other? And we didn't see any aliens for years until that one that, well..." Grif trailed off.
"You've met Junior," Doc elaborated squeamishly.
"Trying not to think about that," Zimmerman grumbled.
"I'm...very confused, but I'm just glad the war is over!" Donut admitted with a smile behind his visor.
"Still, none of you ever tried to get in contact with anyone back home?" Zimmerman questioned, looking between them carefully.
"I'm pretty sure most of us don't have many family members we'd want to call," Grif remarked dryly. "Not to mention, we thought everyone we knew was dead by now."
"What? Why would you think that?" Zimmerman asked in alarm. "Did they tell you Earth was attacked or something?"
"No, but we thought for sure we had been sent to the future!" Donut answered eagerly.
"...What?"
Meanwhile
"What's a war?" Caboose asked curiously. "Is it friendly? Can I pet it?"
"Is...is he serious?" Velimir asked cautiously.
"No, I'm Caboose! I can't turn into a doggy!" Caboose explained, slow and clearly, as if Velimir was having trouble understanding him.
"Ignore him," Tucker said with a sigh, sitting on one of Shelia's treads while keeping an eye on Junior. "Well, there goes the welcome home pussy I'd get for being a soldier."
"Seriously, what did they even sell you this "Red-Blue" war was about?" Velimir asked idly as he leaned on the tank.
"Watch who you're leaning on, buddy!" Shelia warned, pointing her cannon as close to Velimir as possible.
"Holy shit! Wow! Your tank has an advanced AI? How many AIs do you have running around here?!" Velimir asked in alarm, moving away from the tank.
"Umm, Shelia was made by the lowest bidder," Tucker informed awkwardly.
"The tank itself, maybe, but tanks normally don't have AI advanced enough to have personalities," Velimir said in bewilderment. "You...you didn't think that was strange?"
"Dude, no one even told us the tank had a training program when they delivered her!" Tucker explained.
"Okay, moving back to my point: Again, what the hell was this supposed civil war about?" Velimir asked
Tucker shook his head, looking up at the sky to think back to his first days in the military. "I don't know about everyone else, but I was shipped out with a bunch of new recruits, all heading to different bases. Then, one day, they gathered us all together on the ship and said we were now in a civil war."
"And it was Red vs Blue," Velimir stated flatly. "That didn't seem sound strange to you?"
"Fuck if I know! I don't know what people called each other back when we had human wars all the time!" Tucker defended. "Besides, I was distracted at the time. The lady telling us this was kind of hot and I wanted to get her number after she was done."
"Does he think about anything besides women?" Velimir asked in exasperation to Caboose.
"No. Wait! Yes. Food. And mud baths," Caboose answered helpfully.
"Okay, yes to the mud baths, but the food was the hormones talking!" Tucker defended.
"I'm actively not trying to think about that," Velimir said, looking at the small alien that was now taking a nap on a less-bloody patch of ground. "So, an alien put a parasite baby in you, and you just... decided to keep it?"
"Junior is a him, jackass, not an it. And yeah, it's not like Junior had any say in what his xeno-dad did or didn't do," Tucker answered defensively.
"...I legitimately can't tell if alien babies have this kind of mental effect on their hosts or if you just have good parental instincts," Velimir stared in confusion, glancing to Blue Base proper. "So, umm, how long do you think they'll be in there?"
"I have no idea. I just know Church is pissed. He's died a few times in this war," Tucker stated.
"That's a bit extreme. I mean, I get that he's a cyborg, but still," Velimir said with a head tilt.
"What? No, Simmons is the cyborg. Church is a ghost possessing a robot body," Tucker informed casually.
"...A ghost?" Velimir repeated, looking to Caboose. "What is he talking about?"
"Look, there may have been a tank involved that might or might not have been Shelia, and I might have been driving, and Churchmaybegotblownup," Caboose murmured in some shame.
Velimir looked between the two several times before nodding. "Right, so, is there a stash of anything you're smoking? Cause I feel like I need some."
"Sorry dude, not a single whiff," Tucker said with a chuckle.
"Besides! Smoking is bad for your lungs," Caboose informed helpfully.
Meanwhile
"You fucking knew!"
"Church, calm-"
Tex went silent as Church shot a sniper round into the ceiling.
"You fucking knew, this whole damn time that this war was bullshit and we were just training dummies for your shitshow of a program! And you were all so far up your own asses, you didn't know the actual war was over!" Church ranted off.
"Look, asshole, it wasn't that simple!" Tex said harshly. "This is a lot more fucked than you have any idea about!"
"Oh yes, being lied to and made a part of a FAKE WAR is just the tip of the iceberg!" Church spat out in rage.
"For the record, this is all him," Omega informed idly as he appeared on Church's shoulder. "Blazes, I think his rage is affecting me!" he said with a chuckle.
"Stay out of this, Omega!" Tex growled out.
"Oh don't start with him! He may be a murder-happy psychopath, but he's honest about it! I can trust this bastard more than I can you!" Church declared harshly.
Tex actually started at that, staring at Church in shock, silence reigning over them. "...Where was this when I needed it?"
"What?" Church said with a frown. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Yes, what are you babbling about, Allison?" Omega questioned, eyeing his former host suspiciously.
"Forget it, Leonard," Tex snapped as she turned to leave. "If you just want to yell at someone, get Caboose."
"Hey, hey, hey! Fuck that!" Church said as he ran in front of her. "You and the rest of your supersoldiers got caught in the fucking cookie jar, the least you can do is give me a goddamn explanation if you going to act like the victim here!"
"Trust me, I KNOW I'm not the victim here," Tex said dryly. "Omega, scram. I'm not doing this with you here."
"..." Omega appeared on Church's shoulder. "You know, us together? We could probably take her."
"Not the time. Go bunk with Doc or hang out with your "brother" or whatever Delta is to you," Church instructed.
"Fine, if you insist!" Omega grumbled as he left.
"There, I put the child away. Now talk," Church demanded, his anger mixing with his exhaustion.
Tex took a breath. "Church, I...there's a lot, okay? And yes, I wanted to tell you. Everything, seriously, everything."
"And what, you thought it'd be too dangerous to tell old Church?" he asked pointedly.
She paused at that. "I was afraid you weren't ready to hear everything."
"And just what do I need to be ready to hear, Agent Texas?" Church asked coldly.
There it was again. For an instant, Tex thought she was back on the Mother of Invention, and a very different man with the same name was talking to her. "...Don't do that."
Church blinked, his rage and frustrations vanishing in shock. "What the hell? Since when are you one to pull out the vulnerable card?"
"Just, don't...talk like that. You sound like...someone else," Tex answered evasively. She knew it was silly and pathetic, but she hated when he did that, even if it wasn't a conscious thing.
Church stared as one illogical, horrible thought entered his head. "Tex, did someone hurt you?"
"What?" Tex looked at him in shock.
"Look, I'm not the overly protective type. I definitely know I don't need to be. I'm kind of a badass now, but I'm sure you can still kick my ass," he said, and it wasn't clear if he was more proud of himself or her. "But Tex, if something happened..."
"Nothing...like what you're probably imagining," Tex said, a bit amused by his words. "Church, I really did go rogue. That wasn't part of the simulation."
"What? So, you're not actually in the Freelancer Program?" Church asked in confusion.
"On paper I am. They never made it official and never took me off all the lists. I'm sure he was just hoping to track me down," Tex said heatedly.
"He?" Church questioned.
"The Director," Tex said with a sigh. "He used all of us, not just me. Lied to us. Or the ones he had to lie to, at least."
"Asshole, got it," Church summarized bluntly. "Okay, but I'm getting the idea that you didn't go rogue over finding out they were lying to us about a civil war."
Tex paused and glanced away. "The Director did something horrible. I was trying to put a stop to it. But it was already too late. So I left."
"...Tex, are you sure I'm not ready to hear this, or are you just not ready to talk about it?" Church asked evenly.
"Church, the only one I had to talk to between leaving the Freelancers and coming here was Omega. And despite his good boy routine he's put on for you, he's not a good conversationalist," Tex stated flatly.
Church considered that before accepting that. "Okay, point. Just...can you tell me what this whole fake war thing is about?"
Tex sighed and collected her thoughts. "These bases weren't just for training the Freelancers and testing equipment. It was testing responses to different scenarios and events. Or some psycho-mumbo-jumbo like that."
"I understand that, and it's fucking disgusting," Church remarked. "Also, what about the Alien? How did that, or Omega, or anything else not trigger a reaction?"
Tex was audibly puzzled by that as well. "I'm not...a hundred percent on that, but I have a pretty good idea. You remember Vic?
"Yeah, the annoying guy for Blue Command," Church recalled.
"And Red Command," Tex reminded pointedly.
"...Right. They couldn't even be bothered to pay two damn different people for Red Command and Blue Command?" Church asked with a groan.
"No, it's worse. He's an AI," Text remarked with a smirk.
"Oh god, not another," Church said with a facepalm.
"Not like the others. He's a normal, relatively basic computer AI, just meant to be the autopilot for your "war" here," Tex explained reassuringly. "And for whatever reasons, he's malfunctioning."
"Is that why he talks like that? I just thought he was a punk-ass prick, emphasis on the punk. And the prick. And the ass," Church remarked.
"Maybe? All I know is he definitely not doing his job properly," Tex answered.
Church sighed heavily. "Well, this is a shitastrophe of the ages. So, what happens now?"
"I don't know," Tex admitted freely. "I...Church, about the AIs-"
A signal came over Church's coms. "One moment, got someone radioing in," he said reluctantly. "Hello?"
"Captain Church?" Emersyn's voice came in from on her ship. "I just got done talking with my superiors. Blood Gulch is officially in lockdown, no one enters or leaves."
"Fantastic," Church said in resignation. "Any good news?"
"Well, it took some convincing, but they believe the story about the magic gate and the fantasy army. They're sending an old, empty prison ship to keep your prisoners contained," Emersyn explained.
"That's something," Church accepted. "Any idea what's going on?"
"They want to talk to the Freelancers on sight. Interrogate, really," she explained. "Though, they did call back about something strange."
"My teammate is a guy that gave birth to an alien baby. You need to be a hell of a lot more specific than just strange," Church reminded pointedly.
Emersyn snorted. "Point. It's just...According to the official record, Project Freelancer was only given one AI for its projects."
"What?" Church said in surprise. "You're sure? Not One Dozen, or One Hundred, or One Ass Load?"
"I'm positive, they said there was only one given to the program," Emersyn answered. "But I've seen at least two."
"There are a lot more than that. Could they have just made more?" Church asked curiously.
"Hardly. These kinds of AI are special, Captain. They're hard, expensive to make, and are considered "almost-human" which is less fucked up than it sounds," Emersyn explained.
"How can that be less fucked up?" Church asked skeptically.
"These AI can be very dangerous, Church. They're not like the dumb ones you put in to pilot a ship or teach you to use a tank. They can be insanely powerful. There are rules about how to use and treat them, to prevent them from going Skynet on our asses," Emersyn continued, some alarm in her voice.
Church wisely decided to NOT mention the robot uprising they had a while back with Lopez and Shelia. "Sounds like someone fucked up bad."
"Yeah. I'll keep you informed, as much as I can," Emersyn informed.
"Appreciate that," Church said as he closed off the radio. "Tex, I-"
He stopped, realizing she was already gone.
"I guess we'll finish this later," he remarked with a sigh of defeat.
Meanwhile
"Consarnit! Sassafras! Tomatillo!"
"Oh no, he's run out of profanities," Simmons said in alarm as he came into the Red Base. It was never good when Sarge ran out of swear words.
It was a mess. That wasn't unusual, living with Grif, but this wasn't food wrappers and cigarette buds and anything else. No, this was machinery thrown about, the table tipped over, and it looked like the Grif-target poster had been punched through. And something had definitely blown up in the corner. What, only Sarge would know.
Speaking of whom. "Sarge, are you alright?!" Simmons called out, finding the man standing in the middle of the room.
"Alright?! Alright? Of course, I'm not alright, Simmons! I just found out that Blue Team isn't evil! That's the worst news ever!" Sarge declared, angry and bitter.
"Well, they're still pretty annoying, Sir," Simmons said in an attempt to reassure.
"That's not good enough! Or evil enough," Sarge countered, raising his arms in frustration. "What is even the point of these weapons?! If I didn't love this shotgun so much, I'd throw it!"
"Please don't, Sir. I'd rather not need replacement parts," Simmons requested uneasily.
Sarge shook his head and grumbled on. "I just can't believe it! I took great pride in this war!"
"Oh, I know sir! And I was never prouder to serve under you!" Simmons said helpfully.
"And you were a good man to keep Grif from being completely worthless, Simmons! But now none of it was true?! Everything we've been doing these years didn't mean anything at all!?" Sarge ranted on.
"Well, it is a bit crazy to think about, Sir," Simmons agreed, still trying to wrap his head around some of the implications of this. Sure, it explained a lot of things. Why they were fighting over a boxed canyon or were tasked with capturing the enemy flag, why Red Command seemed so unprofessional sometimes, and...a lot of other things he didn't want to think about.
"...Simmons! You're a genius!" Sarge suddenly declared, happy and relieved.
"I am? I mean, thank you, Sir! I'm glad you know you can believe in me!" Simmons said, eager to accept praise and respect. "But why am I a genius, exactly?"
"Don't you see, Simmons? It is crazy to think this was all just a fake war, that we were all lied to!" Sarge answered enthusiastically. "Do you know what that means!?"
"Ummm, that no one will believe us back home?" Simmons tried carefully.
"No! It means it wasn't fake!" Sarge answered with certainty.
"I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm not sure I'm following?" Simmons asked in unease.
"This is all just some fancy hoax cooked up by the Blues, make us lower our guard! Hehe, and it almost worked too! But old Sarge saw through it in the end!" Sarge explained proudly.
"I'm not so sure, Sir? I mean, how do you explain the new Troopers, the ones who told us there is no Red-Blue civil war?" Simmons asked uncertainly.
"Easy! Connections! The Blues have Tex. She's a mercenary, so I'm sure she could call in a favor or two just to make us all buy into this thornbush of a story!" Sarge explained.
"Wouldn't it have been easier for them to just help fight us?" Simmons asked in confusion. "I mean, they did have a lot of soldiers with them."
"Oh, Simmons," Sarge said with a sympathetic shake of the head. "Don't you know anything about mercenaries? One favor isn't worth another, son. Joining in a real fight is going to cost much more than just showing up and playing along with some crazy story."
"I mean, I guess that kind of makes sense," Simmons accepted in confusion. "But what about the Gate? And the Roman-ish soldiers we killed a lot of?"
"Oh no, the magic gate thing is definitely real! Church, that weasely snake, just seized the opportunity by the horn and knew he could take us out without a fight if he played it right!" Sarge explained away easily.
"Huh. I guess that might make sense. Wait, what about the war? Not the civil war, Sir, but the alien one?" Simmons asked curiously.
"Simmons, why in the blue hell would the Great War be fake? That's just a silly conspiracy theory! I thought you were smarter than that!" Sarge said, laughing at the idea.
"No, Sir! I mean, if they were lying about this war being fake, were they lying about that war being over too? Are we still fighting the aliens?" Simmons asked, his head starting to spin from all this.
"That..." Sarge paused in thought. "Hard to say. The Green one? Bucker? He seemed really happy to get home for some action. Blues are crafty but I'm not sure that one can fake that reaction."
"Tucker, Sir. And yeah, that makes sense. So, maybe there's at least that? It would be weird to add that to a fake story. It would just make it all even harder to believe," Simmons reasons.
"You might be onto something. But what's important now is that we know that the Blues are tricking us," Sarge said, his tone suggesting qualities of cunning and scheming that he believed himself to have. "And now that we know, we can plan to trick them while they think they're tricking us!"
"Yeah! I mean, what?" Simmons asked in confusion.
"Listen Simmons, we have to pretend they've pulled the wool over our eyes. Go along with it. If we do, we can figure out their dastardly plot and turn it around on them! Then we can make them pay in blood and tears forever trying such a cruel trick, making us question everything we knew and loved, everything we fought for!"
"Ummm," Simmons leaned away as Sarge grew louder and angrier.
"We'll take their tank and crush them under the treads! We'll blow up the base and make a statue in honor of the Red Army in its place, and we'll paint it red with their blood! We'll make Grif create a horrible mixtape of his favorite songs and make them listen to it over and over again until they go insane from his horrible taste in music!"
"S-sarge? Are you sure that Omega isn't in your head right now?" Simmons asked in alarm.
"I'm darn sure that those Blue Devils will rue the day they ever tried to say that the Glorious Red Army wasn't real!" Sarge yelled out. "Are you with me, Simmons!?"
"Absolutely, Sir!" Simmons said, saluting him.
Ten Minutes Later
"Sarge is going through the five stages of grief," Simmons said bluntly.
"Of course he is," Church said with a suffering tone as he stood outside the base.
"What? Who died?" Velimir asked in surprise.
"Please don't say it was Admiral Butterscotch!" Caboose cried out in dismay.
"Oh, no one died," Simmons said reassuringly, and Velimir wasn't sure if that was more for him or Caboose. "It's just that he's coming to terms with the idea that the Red-Blue war isn't real."
"And he's... grieving over that?" Velimir asked in disbelief.
"Look, out of every loon in this canyon, Sarge was the one that gave most fucks about the war," Church explained before turning to Simmons. "Still don't get why the hell you're telling me."
"Well, technically speaking, you are the highest-ranking trooper in Blood Gulch," Simmons pointed out hopefully.
"Simmons, you know kissing my ass doesn't work like it does with Sarge," Church drawled in annoyance.
"Look, I was just...hoping you could be patient and help him work through it? He's still bouncing between denial and anger," Simmons requested imploringly.
"Bouncing! Church, you told me we couldn't have a bounce house for my birthday!" Caboose whined out. "You even let Tucker have one!"
"Church, for the last time, that wasn't a bounce house! It was an inflatable...person," Church said awkwardly.
"...That is the most normal thing I've heard about since I got to this canyon," Velimir muttered in disbelief.
"But Tucker was bouncing on it! I could hear him!" Caboose argued.
"Caboose, we got rid of that a long time ago, okay! Tucker isn't allowed to order shit from that website anymore!" Church argued. "Now stop your whining, and I'll let you get some water balloons to throw at Tucker."
Caboose was silent for a moment. "Yay!"
Velimir looked to Simmons curiously. "How is that one not dead yet?"
"I'm pretty sure he can lift a jeep," Simmons answered factually.
"I retract the question," Velimir said wisely.
"Okay, so, Sarge is getting pissy," Church redirected. "You sure he doesn't just got Omega in him?"
"Pretty sure, but isn't he with you?" Simmons asked. "Aren't you his favorite host or something now?"
"Yeah, I sent him back to Doc for now, needed some private time. But given it's Omega, I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked over to Red Base out of boredom," Church remarked.
"No such luck," Omega said, appearing on Church's shoulder. "Also, what the hell did I miss? I've heard the red fool screaming from across the canyon.
"He's apparently not taking it too well, the war being fake," Church remarked, looking at the AI curiously.
"...Huh, what is this feeling? Like I understand and almost pity him?" Omega questioned before flinching in disgust. "Oh, goddammit all, is this wretched sensation sympathy!? What are you fools doing to me?!"
"I hate to ask, but you got any idea how to help him get over this?" Church reluctantly asked.
"Hmm, well if I was in that worm's shoes, I'd probably need another war to replace the one I thought was mine. Something to funnel all that murderous, bloodthirsty energy towards," Omega reasoned.
"Well, isn't he just a charming ball of murderous sunshine," Velimir muttered.
"But...Worms don't have shoes...? "Caboose said in confusion. "Also, O'Malley? If you need someone to stay with, you could always move back in my head!"
"Oh, Alpha, no. The strength of a hundred men is not worth the headache it is navigating through your logic and reason!" Omega exclaimed.
"You should see him when he tries to imitate you," Church jabbed. "It's terrifying but absolutely hilarious."
"What?!" Omega said in alarm. "What do you mean imitate me?! This fool!?"
"Oh, I just try to get really, really angry by thinking and saying mean things," Caboose explained simply. "Sometimes I forget what happens. Sometimes I don't. But there aren't many bad people left by the end, so I think it works out."
"...I'm reconsidering that offer," Omega said cautiously.
End of Chapter
In the words of the Blood Gulchers, I'M BACK ASSHOLES! That's right, after everything, I'm back here. Now I'm sure some of you are thinking that this has something to do with the announcement of Season 19. AND YOU WOULD BE WRONG! By sheer cosmic coincidence, I had startered workingo n this chapter well before I learned about that. That said, I fear I'm a bit rusty and am rewatching the series. So I hope you all enjoy this.
We're getting into the stage of the story where I'm pushing things along while balancing between the charming insanity of Blood Gulchers and the heavier BS that we're going to be putting Alpha Church through.
Anyway, will be back to this much sooner this time, so hope you enjoyed it!