Chapter 7: Explanations and Mitigations

Sincerest apologies, dear readers, for the unseemly delay. My husband and I found ourselves unexpectedly having to move to another city, so the past month has been extremely hectic and stressful. As such, I will also be busy for a few more weeks while we finish moving everything and settling in, so I may find myself unable to write during that time. Apologies again for the wait, and thank you for understanding.

"So let me get this straight," said Haibara as she massaged her temples. "In an attempt to get Ran-san to eat, you revealed your identity while she was having a mental breakdown." Shinichi winced.

"I… I couldn't think of anything else to do—and when I saw her like that, I just…" He waved his hand as if that explained his actions.

"…And? Where is she now?"

"In the guest room, hopefully sleeping. I came over here an hour after the screams stopped," he said shakily, looking down at the glasses he still held in his hands. Haibara sighed.

"Guaranteed: if she didn't have an appetite before, she definitely won't have one now. So? What did you come over here for? I can't dig you out of this hole."

"… I was… hoping for an antidote," he ventured. She gaped at him. "Y'know, so she can… so she can hit me without feeling bad about it," he added quickly. Haibara recovered and gave him a flat stare.

"No."

"But—"

"You really are stupid when it comes to others' feelings," she spat, cutting him off. "That girl was going through an existential crisis, which you made worse, by the way," she said as he tried to splutter an excuse, "and now you think it's a good idea to show up in front of her as your original self before she's had any time to recover? I don't think so. You made this mess—you clean it up." And with that, she turned on her heel and disappeared into the lab, slamming the door behind her. Shinichi sighed.

"No good, huh?" he muttered. He looked up at the professor, who'd been silent the entire time. "Any ideas?" He looked helplessly down at the teen.

"I'm afraid not," he said apologetically.

"Might I make a suggestion?" came a voice from the door, startling the two. Shinichi quickly put his glasses back on and turned around. Subaru was standing in the doorway, arms crossed. "Women tend to be more susceptible to forgiveness if the apology is accompanied by a home-cooked meal." Shinichi gave him a long, tired stare before answering.

"You discovered it quicker than I expected," he commented, too drained to attempt an excuse. Agasa gaped at them.

"There were a lot of tells," Subaru admitted. "Starting with that slip of the tongue when we met. She's extremely rigid and uncertain when she speaks to me—a far cry from the confident know-it-all Ran-san herself used to tell me about. That, and I've seen Ran-san clean enough times to recognize the way she moves, even if she's a little off balance. I'm not sure what happened, but if you want to pass her off as Kudo Shinichi, she needs to be a little more mindful of her actions when others are present."

"Well, we don't know what happened, either," huffed Shinichi. "I didn't tell you because it's safer if no one knows about it." The man smiled apologetically.

"For what it's worth, I wasn't actively trying to figure it out," he admitted. "But then, she wasn't actively trying to hide it either. Back to my original point, though: she'll be more likely to eat something if it's made by someone she cares for."

"You came over here to tell me that?"

"I came over here because I was concerned about how thin she's gotten, and I knew she wouldn't listen to me if I brought it up," said Subaru. Agasa finally recovered from his initial shock, and spoke up.

"… How long have you been there?" he asked. Subaru gave another apologetic smile.

"I followed him in," he said, pointing at Shinichi. "He didn't respond when I called out to him to discuss Ran-san's health, so I went after him. No one seems to have noticed me, though: you were all too preoccupied, I suppose." Shinichi groaned. It's not as if Subaru didn't already suspect who he was… It was just easier for him not to tell the man. "You don't have to give me any details if you don't want to—I won't ask. Perhaps next time, though, you'll be a little more mindful of who's in the room before holding that kind of discussion." Shinichi relaxed a bit, sending him a thankful glance.

"And?" he prompted. "Ran's in a foul mood: she's unlikely to want anything to do with me, let alone eat my food, especially since I can't cook."

"Yes, I suspect she'll still be in a bad mood when she wakes up; but if she cares for you as much as I think she does, it won't last long. As for the latter: I can help with that."

xXx

Shinichi ventured into Ran's room with a bottle of cold water under his arm. The room was dark, the only light streaming in through the window as the sun was setting. There was a lump on the bed where Ran lay. He took a moment to ready himself before approaching the bed. She was facing the window, so he strode around the bed to that side and peered at her face. As he expected, her eyes were raw and swollen, her brows knitted together in an unrestful sleep. He cleared his throat as he thought about what he might say, but she woke up at the sound. She frowned at him.

"What do you want?" she asked, voice a hoarse whisper. A pang of guilt tugged at Shinichi's chest, but he shoved it down. He offered her the water bottle.

"At the very least," he said, mouth dry," I owe you an explanation." Clearly not expecting that response, Ran blinked and slowly sat up. She suspiciously eyed the bottle but took it from him without a word. He took a shaky breath, and waited for some indication he could start. She took a drink of the cold water and nodded at him, but did not speak.

Shinichi took a deep breath and, starting with the day of the roller coaster, laid out the story for her. He told her about the men in black, about how close he'd come to a proper antidote, about keeping her in the dark. Ran's eyes grew wider and wider as he went on—or as wide as the swollen things could be—until her expression was shocked and dismayed as opposed to angry, bitter, and betrayed. There was silence for a few minutes as she processed his words. Finally, she spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, voice not so much angry as disappointed. "Couldn't you trust me?"

"I just… I just wanted you to be safe," he said helplessly.

"Does this look safe to you?" Ran snapped, angrily glaring at him, gesturing at herself. Shinichi winced. "Even if it wasn't the same organization, don't you think I would have been more careful about taking shortcuts if I'd known that kind of danger was in Beika?" Shinichi looked down at his slippers. She continued.

"It sounds like these guys would have killed me regardless of what I knew, simply because you decided to stay with us" she said, voice stern. She gave him a sharp look, and after a moment let out a big, exasperated sigh.

"I want to hate you so much," she said quietly, "but I can't." Shinichi looked up at her. She was eyeing him warily, disappointment still clearly there, but the anger was gone. She slipped off the bed and onto her knees in front of him. Her chin wavered, threatening more tears, just before she threw her arms around him, hugging him so tightly he thought he might suffocate.

The crushing weight that had a hold of Shinichi's heart since telling her the truth finally lifted. One by one, muscles that he didn't realize were tense relaxed. Then, with elation, he realized that Ran was hugging him. She was hugging Shinichi, and not Conan. With this thought, he melted into the hug, resting his head in the crook of her neck and closing his eyes. She was trembling.

"I'm so sorry," he mumbled into her shoulder. "I almost told you so many times, but… I just couldn't." He lifted his arms in a pitiful attempt at reciprocating the hug, trapped by Ran's embrace. She loosened up long enough for him to slip his small arms around her neck, and then she tightened her arms again.

"I'm so scared," she finally choked out, still trembling. "I don't know what to do." Shinichi rubbed her back rhythmically for a moment before answering.

"Right now," he whispered gently, "try to relax. It won't do either of us any good if you suffocate me." At that, Ran quickly let go of him, blushing furiously. He bit back his disappointment, reminding himself of the situation at hand.

Shinichi studied Ran's gaunt face as the euphoria of the moment ebbed away. He felt as if he was staring at his own ghost: the pale, thin thing she had become, a haunting addition to the room. It was rather fitting in a dark, humorless way, considering he was meant to be dead. He shook off these thoughts as the scent of food wafted in through the open door, signaling it was finished cooking. Ran's empty stomach loudly complained, making her flush an even deeper red. He held out his hand.

"Let's fix that," he said as she took his hand and attempted to lever herself up off the floor. He lamented the fact that he was too small to help her up properly. Ran followed him out of the room, squinting as the hallway light irritated her raw eyes.

When they got to the dining room, Shinichi firmly instructed her to sit, and then moved to the kitchen to check the stove. Just in time. He ladled the stew into two bowls and brought them back to the dining room, setting them down on the table. He went back a second time to fetch two glasses of ice water. Once back in the dining room, hands free of glasses, he climbed into the chair next to Ran, who was warily eyeing the food in front of her.

"Eat," he instructed.

"But—"

"No buts! We can't help you if you starve first! Please just ignore those… sensations… and just eat something! You don't have to eat all of it." Obviously conflicted, Ran stared down at the bowl in front of her, back at Shinichi, and again at the bowl.

"… You made this?" she asked quietly. He nodded. She picked up the spoon with a shaky hand. Her stomach growled again, deciding for her. She took a slow mouthful, closing her eyes almost painfully as the stew heightened the taste of her mouth. Shinichi watched in melancholic fascination. It had never occurred to him that the inside of the mouth had flavor and sensations, much less that it was different for every person. He guessed that before this it hadn't occurred to Ran, either. Regardless, it was something she desperately needed to get used to.

When he was sure she was going to continue eating, he started on his own stew. He couldn't hold a candle to Ran's cooking, but he felt a sense of pride that it was more than just edible. He would have to thank Subaru for the tips and pointers later.

After a few minutes, he glanced back at Ran's bowl and was delighted to see that she had eaten most of it. She seemed to be making a point not to look at him while she ate, face still red. He could only imagine what she was feeling right now, and he briefly wondered if he'd feel the same if he was trapped in her body. Try as he might, he couldn't put himself in her shoes; his mind was just too logical to panic the same way she did.

As Ran slowly nursed her water, she stared intently at the grain of the table. Her eyes wandered to Shinichi once or twice before quickly flicking back to the table, cheeks flushing deeper each time. So it was finally sinking in. Shinichi took a sip of his own water to wet his lips before speaking up.

"I'd imagine that you have a plethora of questions," he said slowly, carefully choosing his words. "I'm prepared to answer them. No more secrets. No more lies," he vowed gravely. Ran blinked a few times, staring at him in surprise.

"… Any questions?" she asked slowly. He nodded. She almost looked relieved. She pondered for a bit before turning back to him.

"So… Ai-chan is like you?" A nod. "So… you and… you and her…" She floundered for words. Shinichi snorted, almost choking on his drink.

"It's not like that, honest," he said after he recovered. "She's a scientist. She's actually the one who created the drug that did this to me."

"What?!" He held up his hands.

"I don't know what they were researching, but she swears it wasn't meant to be used as a poison. That was Gin's idea when it was discovered that it only killed, with a few incredibly rare side effects." He looked at his hands. "If Gin had known about the side effects, I'm sure he would have stayed to make sure I died." He laughed bitterly at the thought before clearing his throat and meeting Ran's pity-filled gaze.

"But she's on our side now?" He nodded again.

"She betrayed them when she found out they killed her sister. Apparently, she was researching the same thing her parents were researching before they died, with the understanding that her sister was to be protected." He sighed. "But… her sister thought that they'd let Haibara go if she did some of their dirty work, and was killed for her troubles." Ran was silent for a long time before changing the subject.

"What's it like?" she asked.

"What?"

"When you… change. What's it like?" He regarded her for a long, painful moment. He'd just promised no more lies, but he didn't really want her to worry. His promise won out.

"It's… painful. Like my bones are melting, and my heart feels like it's going to burst. A lot like being poisoned, actually," he said with a morbid chuckle. At Ran's mortified expression, he added, "which is why I don't take the antidote very often. It's only temporary, anyway, and it loses effectiveness every time I take it."

"That's why you only called," she realized. He nodded apologetically.

"I hated lying to you. I really did," he offered.

"To keep me safe," she said in a flat tone. "… I wish you'd told me." A surge of anger rose up from the pit of Shinichi's stomach.

"I said I was sorry," he snapped. "And what about you? Weren't you the one who made Conan promise not to tell Shinichi you were like this?" Ran shrank back at the sharpness of his words.

"T-That's different!" she exclaimed. "I… I was going to tell you, but… I just… wasn't ready." Her voice grew quiet as she finished, and Shinichi instantly regretted his words when he saw tears pricking her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I didn't mean to snap at you. What's important is that the truth is out." She nodded, wiping her eyes. He rested his chin on the palm of his hand, elbow on the table. "Did you have any more questions for me?" he asked, keeping his voice steady.

"… Who else knows about you?" she asked cautiously. He sighed. This was the question he'd been waiting for.

"Well, I told Agasa," he said, stating the obvious first. She nodded. "And even though he told me not to tell anyone, he's the one who told my parents." She quirked an eyebrow, but nodded slowly. "Hattori found out on his own." She frowned, probably remembering all of the slips out of the Osakan's mouth. "Kaito Kid probably knows, but he hasn't said anything. Vermouth—she's one of the men in black—" He elected not to tell her that it was Chris/Sharon Vinyard. Ran's eyebrows raised so high they disappeared behind her bangs. "For some reason, she's kept that fact a secret from them. Subaru-san found out today, due to an accident on my part. Or… I guess he confirmed it, because I'm pretty sure he suspected for a while. And…" He hesitated. "And… Hondou Eiskuke knows…"

"What?!" she exclaimed. He rubbed the back of his neck.

"I… kinda told him when he wanted Kudo Shinichi's permission to ask you out…" Heat flooded his cheeks, and he knew his face must be red. Ran blinked in surprise.

"Eisuke-kun did?" She gave him a dry stare. "And you revealed yourself over that?"

"In my defense, it turned out that he already knew, and riled me up specifically to verify it." Even now, his blood boiled just thinking about it.

"Heeeeh… Eisuke-kun's that sharp, huh? You really can't tell…" She seemed impressed. Shinichi frowned.

"Are you gonna start pining after him?" he asked a bit too sharply. Ran frowned, side-eyeing him.

"Is that really any of your business?" she snapped. "You already took it upon yourself to make that decision for me, didn't you?" Shinichi clamped his mouth shut and stared down into his water glass. "Can you not trust me to make my own decisions?" she asked a bit more softly, but still clearly irritated.

"I… I'm sorry," he muttered, eyes still glued to the glass. The grain of the table warped through the glass and the water, reflecting his currently twisting stomach. "I just…" He looked helplessly up at her. "W-when it comes to you, I just get so…" Pink blossomed across Ran's cheeks.

"… Jealous?" she prompted. He looked back down and nodded.

"I… I meant what I said in London." He looked back up at her, determined. "I still do." Ran's eyes widened and she regarded him for a few moments before her expression twisted into something painful.

"What… what if we can't fix this?" she whispered shakily. "What then?" Shinichi reached out and gently grabbed her hand. He squeezed it.

"I'll still be here," he replied. "I promise." She gaped at him, a few tears escaping down her face. She wiped them away with her free hand, face turning a darker red as she looked down, studying Shinichi's too small hand on top of her too big one.

"Really?"

"Really." He smiled up at her and squeezed her hand again. Ran shakily reciprocated the smile, eyes watery, and his heart swelled. "Really," he repeated gently. He meant it.