Maybe if my heart stops beating

It won't hurt this much

Never Let This Go - Paramore

Ch 3:A Hell You Can't Escape

Bella's POV

"Don't worry Bella, everything is going to be fine," he said, touching my shoulder gently.

Turning back to him, I nodded and forced a small smile. My gut told me things would never again be fine, but I also knew this was not the time to dwell on my sorrows.

I stared out into the lush green forest in front of me, taking in another huge breath. The light barely reached through the thick canopy of trees, yet I could see just fine. A myriad of scents enveloped my senses as I watched each individual leaf in the trees sway as though they were beckoning me. I could do this.

"Are you ready?" Carlisle asks.

I was startled in surprise, my mind had wandered and I didn't realize he had come so close again. I nod hesitantly. I understand the concept of what he explained but didn't know how it would unfold, I don't know how to hunt.

"Don't be scared, we'll walk you through everything." He promises. "Follow me."

I watch as he steps back and then jumps from the balcony onto the soft grass leading into the forest below.

My hands rest on the railing as I try to build up the courage to do the same. I was afraid I'd make a mistake like I didn't completely trust my instincts at the moment. Am I really confident enough in this new life to jump from a second-story balcony?

Esme appears beside me, offering her hand when I still have yet to jump. If I were to trust anyone in this new life, Esme would be the first. When she jumps I do the same, and we land safely on the ground. I was breathing heavily from the excitement.

I smiled wildly, letting out a laugh. "Did you see that?" I was amazed. Honestly, the fact that I have yet to trip or fall was just as unexpected and worthy of celebration.

Carlisle and Esme smiled, looking at me with what I could only guess was affection. . . or maybe amusement.

Carlisle took off and this time I didn't hesitate to follow him. I zigzagged through the trees, catching up with him easily. I think I could run faster but I have no need to at the moment. It was so strange to move so fast yet still be able to see every blade of grass and leaf I passed.

Bella Swan has never been known for her grace and equilibrium and I don't know what happened. Even though I now feel more balanced and steady, I wasn't used to the feeling of my body and stumbled briefly.

I inhaled new scents, saw everything with new eyes, and touched everything close enough for my hands to reach as I ran. This new world was so clear, so bright, and so loud.

In the back of my mind I realized I was behaving like a child let outside to play for the first time after being cooped up all of winter. . . but in a way, it felt accurate, this freedom was new and exhilarating. I feel so alive. How strange to think as I've never been farther from alive than I am right now.

We ran but never grew tired, and to my surprise, I didn't run into anything. When we reached a river we jumped without hesitation, landing safely on the other side with the grace of a dancer.

We stopped abruptly, and I was about to question why when the burn in my throat flared up at the smell of if I had to guess, a herd of caribou. How I came to that conclusion, I'm not sure.

"Bella, stop here," Carlisle instructed.

I didn't want to listen, my urge to take down the nearest living thing suddenly overpowering, but I did. Even in my semi-hunger-crazed state, I knew I didn't want to give these two people any reason to reprimand me or make me leave.

"Good. Close your eyes, listen, and tell me what you hear."

It felt wrong to make myself so vulnerable with him behind me. They didn't comment when I turned to the side, protecting my back while I closed my eyes.

The sounds of the forest surrounded me, wind rushing through leaves, a river flowing towards the ocean, their breathing, a bird flapping its wings from miles away, and a steady beating, pumping blood through the body of whatever animals are closest. "Um, I hear a heartbeat," I counted them before correcting myself. "Five heartbeats."

"Now what do you smell?"

"I don't know."

"Think about it and try again."

My nose crinkles as I breathe in deeply. It smells game-y, like the deer Phil would bring home after a hunting trip with his friends. "Animals?" I ask, not sure what he is specifically looking for.

"That's right. I know it doesn't smell all that appealing. Caribou are herbivores, but it will quench the burning in your throat." He tells me.

"It's fine." I try to assure him, who am I to be picky and rude?

I can see a hint of a smile on both their lips. "You won't hurt our feelings any, Dear," Esme assures me.

If I could I would be blushing, my mind almost forgetting the five heartbeats a few hundred yards upwind.

"Let your instincts take over, Bella. You'll know what to do." Carlisle said.

I wanted to believe him but the caribou were over twice my size. I can run and jump (apparently) but am I any stronger than I was before?

Then in a snap, a fraction of a second everything changed: I was no longer Bella. I was no longer even a person. I was an instinct. I see that I had instinctively crouched on the ground, my body angled towards the direction of the caribou.

As I advanced, their heartbeats strong and tempting, I was suddenly feeling much thirstier than I had been moments before. I had to have it. I could already imagine the sweet nectar flowing down my throat.

I fed hungrily, taking down two caribou with an ease I didn't think was possible. The warm blood soothed the ever-present burn in my throat, if only slightly. I could feel the

I don't think it will ever truly go away, but for the moment it was sated.

"How are you feeling? Is the thirst as bad now that you have fed?" Carlisle asked as I came back to myself.

"Fine. It's not as bad, but it is still there." I replied honestly. I've had worse and I could manage this.

"It will never go away completely but it will get easier."

I nodded, there was nothing else to say. I could barely wrap my mind around all that had happened. It was simply too much in too short a time.

I watched as Carlisle picked up the carcasses to discard them. This animal that was three or four times my size had been no match for my new instincts, my new strength, and my speed. He explained how we always tried to be careful and clean up the area, not wanting to draw attention to ourselves.

"So Bella, how was your first hunting experience?"

"It, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and th-they didn't taste as horrible as I thought they would either," I tell him quietly but honestly.

He seemed satisfied with my response, so I was happy for him in the same detached way I felt everything except for this overwhelming grief. "You did great, Sweetheart."

My hands are covered in a mixture of blood and dirt. I wipe them on my jeans but it doesn't really help. I'm sure I look like a mess, definitely not as put together as Carlisle and Esme.

And you couldn't tell but the inside of my head was a living hell.

You'd Never Know - Blü Eyes

It felt like I was able to think rationally again now that I finished hunting. . . Now that I've fed. . . Though the gut-wrenching pain and fear are back as well. I sink down to sit on a rock, my eyes trailing a line of ants marching away.

The air around me shifted as Esme sat down next to me. "How do you feel, Sweetheart?" Esme asked, running her fingers through my hair to untangle the mess I'm sure it became after my first attempt at hunting.

"Physically or emotionally?" I mumble back, my eyes still on the ground where I'm scuffing my shoe into the dirt.

"Either. Both."

I shrug noncommittally. "M'fine." It was clearly a lie, but I was used to lying about how I was truly feeling. No one actually cared how I was feeling, so there was no point in telling people. I was always fine, even if I was dying on the inside. I would never admit to someone that I was not okay, that I was anything, but fine. Why? The question repeats in my mind like a broken record. Why me? Why bother? "W-why didn't you let me die?" My fingers trace the embroidered pattern on the leg of my jeans as the words slip out in a broken whisper. I hope my curiosity won't get me into trouble like it would have before.

Esme surprised me as she pulled me close into her side. "Because you deserve a second chance to be happy." I could hear the pain in her voice in response to my question and I cursed myself for hurting her, even though it wasn't intentional. It breaks my heart to see her sad. She shouldn't be upset over me, I'm certainly not worth it.

I was shaking my head before she finished.

"The scars on your heart will always be there, Sweetheart. I wish I could tell you something different but just because the scar will always be there, it doesn't mean that it can't heal."

"He's going to come find me. M-my Charlie- we- I didn't get to file a restraining order from him. He'll find me." The fear was evident in my voice, I couldn't conceal it as the words tumbled out. "If I died I could have been done with," I searched for the right word. "Done with all of this, the fear, the pain."

Carlisle knelt down in front of me, I hadn't been paying attention to where he was. I berate myself for not being more aware. His voice breaks through, "no one will find you or hurt you, I swear." He said firmly, taking both my hands in his and squeezes them gently. "You are safe with us. You belong with us, I promise you."

"Why would I trust you? I know him, I know what he can do." I've only known these people for a few hours, Phil has been a constant in my life since as long as I can remember.

"You're right, you don't know you can trust us but we'll be here until you can. You have us now, and in a few days you'll have your older siblings here to protect you, too." Esme promises. It's a low blow, though, because I don't think I could deny Esme anything. "Give it a chance, see for yourself."

I guess I can try to do that, I think as I look between the both of them, hoping that they are genuine. Part of me knew deep down that I could trust them, as they hadn't yet done anything to break that trust. I prided myself on being able to read people. In my experience it is clear early on whether someone could be trusted or if they were out to hurt you.

"If you don't mind me asking, what made you finally run?" Esme's voice broke through my mind again.

My eyes were trained on my now wringing hands in my lap. "I-" I take a shaky breath and try again. "M-my Mom was going away for a few days. . . I overheard, uh, P-Phil. He was t-talking to his friends. . . H-he, um, s-said he'd s-sh-share me."

"You know we won't ever let him hurt you again, right?" Carlisle's voice was strong and steady. I wanted to believe it.

I shrug.

"H-he put me in the hospital. My mom worried if he killed me then that they could be suspected or blamed so she brought me to the hospital. She plays a good worried act for the doctors."

It hadn't made sense that he changed like that, that his seemingly relentless anger had developed into an obsession as well.

It hadn't made sense that he would look at me like that. He looked at Renee like that sometimes, tender and something else. But when the look was directed at me, it made me sick. The next thing I knew, his hand was on my chest and I did cry, and he told me not to be a baby, that this was what girls my age were supposed to do. When I cried out, when I denied him his hands had moved to my neck squeezing until the black spots in my vision took over.

I leaned into Esme, craving affection in a way I never had before.

"Oh Sweetheart. Never again. Ever." Esme insisted, both her arms wrapping around me like a vice, one I didn't want to escape.

Carlisle sighs softly, his arms wrapping around both of us. But they didn't shush me, they didn't seem uncomfortable or upset, they just sat and held me, waiting for me to go on if I needed to.

I closed my eyes tightly against the unwanted memories in my mind.

"Let's go home." Carlisle eventually broke the silence arond us, the only sound being my ragged breathing that finally slowed down.

Home. He was right about that, it was home. When I lived with Renee and Phil, it was just a house. Shelter. But with the Cullens, after a day, it was home. A place I wanted to be. A place I never wanted to leave.

I feel exhausted, mentally exhausted by the time we make it back. "Do. . . Can I go to my room and get ready for bed?"

They share a brief look before Esme steps closer to me. I try to fight my instincts but I can't help but to flinch back at her approach. She slows, giving me time to watch her movements as she reaches for my hand. "You're more than welcome to go anywhere in the house without asking, I know it's been a long day for you." I can sense she's holding something back. "Come, I'll show you where everything is."

I let her lead me up the first staircase, following her as she turned into a room I haven't seen before.

"This is Alice and Jasper's room. We can pick you out a few things from Alice's clothes. She's the closest to your size, Sweetheart."

I felt uncomfortable. "T-th-that's okay. I can j-just wear this." My words fall on deaf ears when I look down and my dirty and bloody clothes.

She turns to me and smiles softly. "I promise you she doesn't mind." We both hear Esme's phone light up in her pocket. She laughs, showing me the screen.

It was a text from Alice saying "what's mine is yours. We'll go shopping for things of your own soon enough but this will do for now."

I reluctantly followed Esme into her closet choosing a pair of leggings, a shirt, and a sweatshirt that said 'Forks High School.'

Once Esme sees I won't take anything else we go back up to my room. I let her open the door so I won't break it.

"You can lie down if you want to but you won't be able to sleep."

"Why not?"

"We can't sleep." She says slowly, watching me for my reaction.

My face stays blank as I contemplate her words. ". . . Ever?" It wasn't all bad, I guess. No sleep meant no nightmares. I wouldn't be disturbing anyone's sleep here.

"It's a lot to get used to, I know."

"Thank you." I hope she could feel the weight of my words. I had so much to thank them for.

She turns back around, kissing my forehead then brushes a strand of hair behind my ear. "We'll be downstairs if you need anything, anything at all."

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