Tuesday, 30 March 1999
Hermione was surprised by Harry appearing on her parents' doorstep in the early afternoon. She immediately jumped in his arms, hugging him so tightly that Harry began a muffled protest against her shoulder, though he hugged her right back at the same time.
After allowing her best friend and her parents a brief catch-up with each other, they said their goodbyes and Disapparated from the safety of the Unplottable backyard to the hills of Ottery St. Catchpole.
Hermione had taken Harry by side-along, Apparating them a bit further away from their usual arrival spot. She needed their walk to be a little longer than usual; she needed the time to tell Harry about Draco without anyone else around.
She needed to practise on him before telling Ron.
While she had planned for them to walk alongside each other so she wouldn't have to face him, the moment she told him about the date, Harry had stopped dead in his tracks, seemingly frozen in astonishment. To his credit, he kept his facial expressions to a minimum, and he let her finish without interrupting.
Once she had finished talking, Hermione held her breath as she observed Harry's face. His green eyes stared into her own, displaying worry. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he finally asked in a far more serious tone than she had heard from him in a long time.
Hermione blinked her eyes. "Like-like what?"
"Like you're waiting for me to yell at you."
His directness took her aback. Usually, Harry tiptoed around confrontations, but right now he stared at her as if she had seriously hurt him, and for a few seconds Hermione felt physically unable to speak.
"Well…" she began softly, forcing herself to not look away from him, "it's not as if you haven't yelled at me for less than going on a date with your school nemesis…"
Harry turned away and stared into the distance for a moment. Hermione could clearly read the disappointment in his eyes, and her stomach churned with regret. She wanted to take it back. Perhaps it had been too soon to share… The war was still so recent… Maybe she should have given him more time to recover—
An unexpected embrace startled her back to reality, and Hermione hesitantly wrapped her own arms around Harry, a little confused about the sudden change in the mood of the moment. Then her friend pulled away, and her confusion intensified when she could still see the disappointment in his eyes.
"I must be a really lousy friend if you're this afraid of telling me something I might not like," Harry said quietly.
She felt a pang of uncertainty. Had she really read Harry all wrong? Had she really been so consumed by worst-case scenarios and assumptions of his dislike for Draco Malfoy that she had unfairly judged how her best friend in the whole world would respond? It was not like her to lose her head like this…
"I'm really sorry, Harry," she told him a little awkwardly. "I guess I was so afraid that you would be angry that I fully anticipated it, going in."
"Look," he replied softly. "I'm not going to tell you I'm happy about this, because I'm not. But you're not stupid, and everything you do comes from a good place, even if you don't always go about things in the most tactical way."
She felt a blush spread on her cheeks, wondering what specific examples were playing through his head.
"And even Ginny goes on about how Malfoy isn't the same git he used to be," Harry continued, shaking his head in apparent disbelief. "I really don't like him, Hermione. I probably never will. But I know he's not evil, and if you feel this comfortable around him…" He shrugged a little awkwardly. "I guess he really must have changed."
Hermione reached for his hands. "I appreciate you saying this, Harry. I know how strange this must be for you, but I've been around him practically every day since September, and I've seen how much effort he puts in trying to do better." She squeezed his hands and gave him a hopeful smile. "I hope one day you'll see that too."
Harry returned her smile, though he seemed a little hesitant. "If this is going to last, whatever it is, I hope so, too." Then his smile faded. "I really thought it was going to be you and Ron. After last year, I was kind of rooting for you two."
"Me too," she admitted quietly. "Unfortunately, things went in a different direction than we hoped."
He embraced her again, and they just stood there like that for a while, with their arms around each other and their heads on each other's shoulders. Hermione was relieved that at least one of her two best friends would stand by her, even if he didn't fully understand.
Though his reaction to the news had been better than she could have hoped for, it only amplified her nerves when she tried to predict how Ron would take the news. She couldn't help it; she was really worried about his reaction. As much as Harry disliked Draco, Ron was far more sensitive. The bullying had always affected him worse, and his dislike came quite close to actual hatred.
They received a warm welcome once they finally stepped inside The Burrow's kitchen. Mrs Weasley couldn't seem to decide who to hug first, so she engulfed them both in one big embrace. Hermione then moved to hug Mr Weasley, then Ginny, and finally Ron.
The moment she stepped into his arms, an unexpected sadness washed over her, and it took a surprising amount of willpower to not burst out in tears. She didn't understand the emotional turmoil inside her until she realised how familiar Ron was, and how afraid she was to lose him.
During the rest of the afternoon, Hermione remained a little distracted as she tried to analyse her feelings without being too obvious. Even though she hadn't always felt supported, by Mrs Weasley in particular, there was no denying that she felt very much at home among the Weasleys.
The way Mrs Weasley brushed a hand over her hair as she moved past her; the way Mr Weasley sent her a wink when Harry, Ron and Ginny got lost in another passionate Quidditch debate; the way Ron and Ginny still tried to get her to participate even as she laughed and shook her head… It was so obvious that this family loved her.
Eventually, Mrs Weasley disappeared to the kitchen to begin dinner preparations, and shortly after Mr Weasley excused himself to tinker with some new Muggle gadgets in his shed. Hermione glanced around the sitting room before locking eyes with Harry, who subtly nudged his head in Ron's direction.
Ginny—ever observant—seemed to immediately understand what Harry was trying to say. She grabbed his hand and gave them a smirk. "Excuse us while we go and snog for a bit."
"Gross!" Ron sent her a mock glare. "I don't want to hear what you're planning on doing with my best friend!"
"Well, in that case," Ginny said loudly, turning back to her brother. "After the snogging, I'm—"
Harry quickly put his hand over her mouth and pulled her toward the stairs. "Stop sabotaging my friendship with your brother!" he exclaimed, laughing, while Ginny attempted a muffled protest against his hand. Then she gave up and slapped his hand away as she ran up the stairs, with Harry following close behind her.
After they had left, Hermione was acutely aware of the fact that she was now alone with Ron. It was silly that she felt this way. They had been alone, just the two of them, countless times over the past seven years. She had always felt completely at ease around him, even back when she first realised she had a crush on him.
"Are you alright, Hermione?" he soon broke the silence. "You've been awfully quiet today."
She glanced sideways at Ron, sitting beside her on the sofa. He had turned toward her, his eyebrows slightly raised and his eyes clearly expressing worry. Her stomach flipped uncomfortably and she let out a small sigh, knowing that this was the dreaded moment she was going to have to tell him everything.
"I've actually been wanting to talk to you," she began quietly, nervously. "I just don't really know how to begin, and I'm afraid of how you'll take it, because you're my best friend and I really don't want to hurt you, and—"
"Hermione."
Ron hadn't raised his voice, but there was still a sharp tone to it that immediately made her stop rambling. She looked up to find him smiling at her in a sad sort of way. He reached up to tuck a loose curl behind her ear; an affectionate gesture. His hand lingered for a moment before he lowered his arm again and leaned back against the cushions, slowly folding his arms in front of his chest. She had expected him to be tense, but he seemed relaxed enough.
"I know all that," Ron said softly after a moment of silence. "You don't need to tiptoe around the point. Just say what you need to say."
"I'm afraid you'll hate me…" she admitted after a moment of silence.
He seemed stunned for a moment. Then he leaned forward again and took her hands in his own, and she didn't object. "I could never hate you," he muttered, sounding a little confused. "You're one of my two best friends and I don't know what I'd do without you. You know that I love you, Hermione. I have since I was thirteen years old. Maybe even longer than that."
"I know," she murmured. "And I love you too…"
Ron smiled. Hermione thought she could see his eyes light up, which only made her stomach clench up more. She glanced down again. She didn't want to say it. She didn't want to hurt him. She really did love him. But…
"…but I'm not in love with you…" she finished in a barely audible whisper.
It was perhaps the most difficult thing she had ever said aloud. Her stomach churned; her chest felt tight. The silence was heavy and unbearable, even though Ron was still holding her hands. She didn't dare look up at him again. She couldn't bear to meet his eyes. She had earned this one moment of cowardice, hadn't she?
"I know," Ron finally answered quietly.
Hermione's eyes involuntarily snapped up to meet his. He was still smiling, though it was that same sad smile from before. Still, there was no anger in his gaze, and with a hammering heart, she waited for him to continue.
"I think I've known for a while," he continued, and his face showed a hint of regret. "I've been knee-deep in denial about it ever since our date in Hogsmeade, but hearing you say it now I just… I feel like I already knew."
He averted his eyes for a moment, seemingly gathering his own courage. "The thought of not being with you… I guess it doesn't hurt as much as the thought of you not being here at all," he mumbled a little uncomfortably. "I can love you as a friend. I've done that for years. You have always been my friend first. I guess that's just how it's supposed to be…"
Hermione felt a tear trail down her cheek and Ron reached up to wipe it away. She leaned into his touch for a moment, wishing she could leave it at this. This had been hard enough, but the hardest part was yet to come.
"You mean the world to me, Ron," she told him softly. "A part of me really wishes I was still in love with you. You and me, Harry and Ginny… It would have been a perfect happy ending."
She sniffed and briefly closed her eyes. "If I could make this decision with my head I'd do it right now and I'd choose you," she whispered. "But my heart won't agree to that, and I couldn't do that to you, no matter how much I fear the alternative."
"What… what's the alternative?" Ron asked tentatively, as though he wasn't sure he wanted to hear her answer. "Do you… have feelings for someone else?"
"Don't make me tell you," Hermione sniffled quietly. "You'll hate me so much…"
"Hermione, I already told you, I could never hate you." He briefly squeezed her hands. "No matter what, I will always be here as your friend—your best friend. As long as he treats you right, I reckon I'll be okay. Please tell me what's upset you so much."
She reluctantly glanced back up at him. She knew he was expecting the worst, but she didn't think that what she was about to tell him even fell within his realm of possibilities. Ron stared back with worried eyes, and Hermione squeezed his hands tighter, knowing it had to be now, before they lost this moment.
Before she lost her nerve.
"Ron, I…" Hermione took a deep breath. "I've been on a date with Draco Malfoy… and I… I think I may have feelings for him…"
His hands went limp in hers and he inhaled sharply, suddenly staring at her as though he had never seen her before; like she was a stranger to him and he would rather be anywhere else but here. Even though she had expected this response, she hadn't fully prepared for the fear of ruining their friendship and losing him to immediately overwhelm her. Hermione swallowed with difficulty. Her lower lip quivered and she bit down on it to keep it still, but when Ron began to pull his hands away from hers she couldn't keep the tears in any longer.
Her sadness seemed to snap Ron out of his trance, and while Hermione had her eyes squeezed shut, she knew by the way he took her in his arms that he regretted the way he had responded, even though he had barely responded at all. She buried herself in his chest and cried her heart out while Ron softly stroked her hair.
Saying that she had feelings for Draco out loud was one of the scariest things she had ever done, because it was such a stark contrast to her life with the Weasleys and the guy whose arms were currently wrapped around her. She had fought in a war against prejudice, only to have developed feelings for the epitome of it, finding herself thrown right back into it all.
Truthfully, Draco Malfoy had changed his tune, although that was still a work in progress. She liked Draco, and she knew he liked her back, but they hadn't discussed what all this meant and where they were going with it. What had mattered most so far was that he was actively trying to be better.
His parents, however, steadily clung to the same old song, and Hermione didn't think they would ever accept her as a partner for the son they so doted on, let alone as a part of their family. She could never be as comfortable in their company as she was among the Weasleys. No matter how coolly Mrs Weasley had treated her at times, she imagined that was nothing compared to what she could expect from the Malfoys.
A part of her seriously wished she could love Ron the way she had loved him between the end of their fifth year and the end of the War. He was the good kind of guy, and being part of his family would be easy, because his family already felt like family to her.
She and Ron knew each other as well as they knew themselves; they had experienced every step of growing up together. She, Ron and Harry had been practically attached at the hip for the better part of the last seven years; they had truly been through the good, the bad and the ugly together. She would give her life for Ron without hesitation, and she knew he'd do the same for her. He had freely demonstrated that, more than once.
There had never been any doubt about her love for Ron, but the War had changed them. The traumatic experiences had shaped them into different people; their grief and all those months apart had distorted the already fragile timing of their relationship. He hadn't allowed her to be there for him, even though Hermione had tried to make him see reason, and he hadn't been there for her at all. She could love him all she wanted, but she could never fully forgive him for that.
Still, despite all the tumultuous events in their relationship, loving Ron was easy. It was safe and comfortable. It was all the things that falling for Draco Malfoy was not.
Hermione slowly untangled herself from Ron's arms. As she wiped the tears from her face, she studied him to see if she could tell how he was feeling. He was extraordinarily pale and seemed to purposefully refuse to meet her eyes. Everything about him screamed restlessness and discomfort.
She inhaled a shaky breath. "Do you… want me to explain?"
Ron immediately began shaking his head. He lifted his hands and combed them through his hair in a desperate-looking gesture. "I can't—I don't…" His hands came to rest on the back of his neck and he took a deep breath before straightening back up and finally looking at her again. "I don't know what to do with this," he whispered hoarsely, and his voice cracked. "I want nothing more than to understand, but… but this…"
Hermione hesitantly reached out and took his hand, hoping he would allow that, which he did. Ron remained quiet for a little longer, but then he exhaled slowly. "I feel like my worst nightmare just came true," he managed with clear difficulty. "I really don't understand…"
"All I will tell you," Hermione supplied carefully, "is that this has caught me off guard as well. One day everything just seemed different, and—"
"Hermione," Ron interrupted her softly. "Please don't. I can't… I can't listen to this now…"
Tears welled up in her eyes again, but she tried to swallow the sadness away and simply nodded her head. "Of course," she whispered. "I'm… I'm sorry…"
"Don't be," he whispered back, and he briefly squeezed her hand. "I don't—I don't think I blame you…"
She had no idea how long they sat there, holding hands in silence and staring into nothingness, but both of them jumped in their seats when Harry cautiously entered the sitting room. Their best friend slowly made his way over to the coffee table and sat down on top of it, carefully studying Ron with a worried frown on his brows.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.
Hermione glanced over at Ron, who had closed his eyes.
Ron took a deep breath. "Did you know?" he then asked quietly, his voice sounding a little accusatory, before finally opening his eyes again as he looked at Harry, who sighed and gave a non-committal shrug.
"No," he answered. "Hermione told me on the way here. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, too."
"But you're not upset…" Ron narrowed his eyes a little, sounding confused.
Harry was quiet for a little while, and Hermione held her breath, afraid that he would change his mind and retract what he had said earlier. Harry showing some understanding was what she had pulled strength from today…
"Upset is not the right word, no," Harry eventually answered softly, and Hermione finally released the air she had been holding when he glanced over at her. While his eyes expressed confusion, she could still see that he was trying to be supportive. She sneaked a peek at Ron, fully expecting him to be glaring impatiently at Harry, but with a pang of sadness she noticed that his stare was just… utterly empty.
Harry sighed again. "I honestly don't know how I feel about all this," he muttered. "I don't like it, no. I mean, it's Malfoy, for Merlin's sake… But I've been hearing about how he's changing for the better from pretty much everyone at Hogwarts for months now…"
Ron abruptly rose from the couch, and Hermione couldn't suppress a gasp as she stared up at him, startled.
"I'm sorry," Ron managed emotionally, "but I… I can't listen to this right now."
There was an unmistakably angry edge to his voice, but Hermione knew him well enough to know that most of it was hurt. She felt so guilty, even though, rationally, she knew that was uncalled for. She also knew that there was nothing rational about what Ron was feeling right now. The devastation of the war was still fresh, and Draco's bullying had always affected Ron the most. It devastated her, but she understood that he felt betrayed. She had felt betrayed by him and Lavender, and she was nowhere near as unpleasant as Draco Malfoy had been…
Harry straightened up as well, grabbing his best friends' shoulder in a supportive gesture. "All right, mate." He hesitated briefly. "Want to go outside for a bit?"
Ron took a deep breath before he nodded his head. His eyes met Hermione's for a brief moment, and her stomach turned again when she saw the tears that he was clearly fighting against. He blinked a few times before averting his eyes again, and then he moved past Harry, quickly and quietly exiting the sitting room.
It only took a few seconds before her own tears escaped her eyes again, and she wrapped her arms around herself as if to force herself to hold it together. Harry sank down on the couch next to her and pulled her against him until her head rested on his shoulder, her tears dripping down on his jumper.
She allowed herself a brief moment of solace in her best friend's embrace. Then she sniffed and wiped her sleeve over her face to dry her tears. "You should find Ron," she murmured.
Harry squeezed her closer for a moment. "It'll be okay," he said softly. "I'm sure it'll be okay, eventually." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and slowly pulled his arm back as he rose from the couch. With one last reassuring smile he turned and moved out of the sitting room, and Hermione closed her eyes, trying with all her might to believe his well-meant words.