Wednesday, 31 March 1999

Pansy's hair had gotten longer since he last saw her. She wore it down in loose curls, and her new look suited her well. Somehow she seemed more grown-up, sitting behind her desk in her very own office at the Swiss Ministry of Magic. She seemed very focused on her reading, and Draco took full advantage of that as he observed her for a little while from the doorway.

"It's considered impolite to stare."

Her voice cut through the silence, startling him a bit, and he wondered when she had noticed him standing there. Straightening up from his leaned position against the door frame, he stepped inside her office just as she rolled up her parchment scroll. Pansy raised her head to meet his eyes, and seeing her smile at him removed all the doubts he had felt before this moment. Seeing her again wasn't uncomfortable at all.

Not at all.

"I apologise," he offered with a smirk, stepping forward until he reached her desk. "I have once been told I greatly lack social skills. You see, my parents withhold me from Charms school."

Her blue eyes had an amused twinkle, but she kept her face composed as she leaned back in her chair. "How tragic," she answered coolly. "Did you come all this way to garner sympathy for your shortcomings?"

Merlin, how he had missed her. Though these past months had been the longest they had ever gone without seeing each other, right now it was difficult to imagine they had been apart at all. They easily fell back into their old comfortable ways, and for that Draco was grateful.

"Not at all." He shook his head. "I'm in search of my dear friend. Perhaps you know her? Pretty witch, the temper of a harpy… I was hoping to be able to take her out for lunch."

Pansy raised her eyebrows in amusement. "I see what you mean. No social skills whatsoever. Your mother should have taught you the art of flattery. It can be incredibly helpful in attaining your goals.

"Well, I said you're pretty, didn't I?"

She finally laughed. "You're a prick, Draco."

As soon as she had risen from her chair and moved around her desk, they tightly embraced for quite some time, as if to try to make up for all those months apart. Draco rested his cheek against the side of her head and wrinkled his nose. The subtle fragrance of her shampoo brought on a rush of nostalgia, making him realise for the first time the significance of missing someone's scent. He couldn't deny that he had truly missed her a lot, even despite the circumstances of their parting.

Pansy leaned back from their embrace to be able to look at him and affectionately smoothed out the front of his robes. "I've missed you."

Hearing her confirm that his feelings were not one-sided made him smile, and he briefly pulled her close again. "Missed you too," he murmured into her hair. When he released her again, he took a second to take in her office. "Looks like you're doing well for yourself here."

"I could never have imagined myself in this situation," she said softly, gazing around herself. "Although I am fortunate enough to have a sizable trust fund that makes working a job rather unnecessary, Vufflens Academy made it mandatory for me to complete an internship for additional academic credit due to my absence for a whole term."

She let out a quiet sigh and met his eyes again, confidently lifting her chin. "It seems that I have quite a proficiency in the field of International Relations."

As Draco watched her beam, he couldn't help but feel a little pride. Pansy had always been accomplished once she set her mind to something. School had never quite been it for her, but she had never shied away from politics, and she was excellent at navigating different cultures to form international relationships.

He hesitated briefly, but then he allowed himself a smile. "I'm proud of you."

Pansy's blue eyes displayed a quiet wonderment, and she stared at him for a little while as if trying to figure out his intentions. Then she brushed her hair over her shoulder and gave him a lazy smirk.

"I believe there was the mention of lunch?"

Draco breathed out a chuckle and held out his arm for her to take, escorting her out of her office for some well-needed time together.

~ X ~

"There is something I need to tell you," Draco finally forced himself to say once they finished their meal in a corner of a luxurious luncheon room. "And since I know how you get when you're impatient, I need you to understand that this is difficult for me, and that I will only say it once."

Pansy leaned forward ever so slightly, her blue eyes curiously fixated on his. They also clearly expressed confusion, which he understood. After all, it was highly unusual that he willingly shared his feelings with her. He had only done that twice before. He knew she understood the weight of his words.

He studied her face for a moment, and was grateful to realise that he could still read her as effortlessly as always. The impatience was building in her stare; in the way she forced a polite smile on her face. He noticed the infinitesimal twitch of the corners of her mouth, and the slight crease between her brows. Pansy was raised too well to ever give in to it, but Draco knew she was fighting the urge to pull the information out of him.

Inhaling deeply, Draco squared his shoulders. "I have been thinking a lot about New Year's in the past few months," he told her softly, and he registered the flash of surprise that shot over her features. Not only had they not talked about their breakup before now, they hadn't even really talked at all since. Even with her, arguably his closest friend, he found it hard to speak openly. Even now.

"Hogwarts is not the same without you," he forced himself to continue. "I have really missed having you around this past term, even though I was angry with you before."

Pansy's face softened, and her polite smile transformed into one of genuine appreciation. "I miss you too, Draco." He held up his hand and raised his eyebrows in mock disapproval. She rolled her eyes at him with a small smirk, but she obliged by demonstratively pressing her lips together to indicate that she would keep quiet.

He reached a hand over the table, which she took, and he took another deep breath, averting his eyes as he tried to force down the uneasiness he felt building up. "I want you to know that you were right," he continued quietly, keeping his eyes on their joined hands. "You've always been there for me, and it's unfair of me that I've taken that for granted."

She squeezed his hand, wordlessly acknowledging his statement, and Draco swallowed with difficulty. Pansy deserved this, even if he loathed saying it; even if it made his stomach clench up with the dread of opening up and being vulnerable in her presence. Even though he had a little experience with it now, it was still incredibly difficult and made him feel immensely uncomfortable. He briefly tightened his grip on her hand. "I should have told you this years ago," he murmured, vaguely aware that the volume of his voice had dropped considerably, "but… I have always loved you, and… I'm sorry I never told you that while we were still together…"

When he heard Pansy let out a small gasp, Draco closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself again. However short it had been, his somewhat sheepish monologue had drained him. He hated opening himself up, allowing his feelings to surface after all those years of carefully keeping them inside. He had never said anything like this to anyone before, and he still wasn't sure why he had felt so strongly about making sure Pansy knew how much he appreciated her.

He opened his eyes again and lifted his chin, finding her eyes again. They were slightly misty, and as Pansy stared back at him, Draco felt a little lighter when he could clearly read the deep affection in her gaze.

She took a deep breath and smiled a little. "What brought this on?" she asked quietly, her voice more composed and serious than he had expected.

"It just… felt overdue."

"Don't misunderstand me, Draco," she clarified immediately, "because I appreciate this more than I can express right now. But this… It's incredibly unlike you."

They sat in silence for a while. Draco tried translating the thoughts and feelings that whirled through him into words, but he had no idea where to begin, and he feared Pansy might not understand.

He forced out a sharp exhale, beginning to feel frustrated. "Everything I do lately is unlike me," he bit out more forcefully than he had wanted, and he retreated his hand from hers, bringing them both up to comb through his hair before sinking back in his chair, his arms dropping at his sides.

"I've always done what was expected of me," he finally muttered, not quite able to look at Pansy as he spoke. "All my life, everything I did was to uphold the Malfoy family legacy. I did everything I could. I even followed in my father's footsteps…" His heart had started beating faster, and for some reason it was becoming more difficult to breathe. There was a heaviness in his stomach and every fibre in his being urged him to stop speaking, but he knew he needed to continue. He needed Pansy to understand. She had to understand.

Draco inhaled deeply in a feeble attempt to compose himself. "I did everything I was supposed to do," he continued softly, the words coming out with great effort. "And yet we have somehow become outcasts. How is it possible that the supposed right path ended up here?"

It was the first time he had ever voiced these thoughts out loud. He had been struggling to come to terms with them for nearly a year, carefully concealing them deep inside, along with all his other feelings of doubt. Along with all the emotion he was always taught he couldn't show. It felt traitorous to speak them now, but he hoped with all his might that Pansy understood. She had to. He had no idea what to do if she, of all people, didn't understand.

Pansy remained incredibly quiet for a while. Draco wanted nothing more than to look up into her eyes, but he found himself unable to raise his gaze.

"These are dangerous thoughts to have, Draco," she finally murmured. "But I'm unable to pretend that I haven't been experiencing similar doubts."

The confession washed over him and slightly lifted the heavy feeling of utter dread that had built up inside him. He finally managed to look up and found Pansy staring at him with a hard look in her eyes. Hearing her acknowledge that he wasn't alone in feeling like this immediately made him feel a little better, until he realised there was more he had to tell her. He hoped—against his better judgment, honestly—that she might continue to be understanding.

"It's been lonely," he managed quietly.

Pansy seemed to soften a little. "Surely there was someone to confide in. After all, Theo is your oldest friend. And he went through something very similar in the past few years…"

Draco let out a dejected sigh. "You know that Nott has been a shell of his former self since his father was killed. And it's not like Greengrass and I have ever been close enough to talk…"

"I suppose that's true," Pansy conceded gently. She reached back over the table, and Draco took her hand again. "I'm sorry you haven't been able to talk to anyone."

Unconsciously, Draco tightened his grip on her hand again. Couldn't he just… not tell her? He barely understood himself right now. What could he possibly say to her to make her understand? He closed his eyes for a moment, knowing if he didn't tell her now, she would undoubtedly hear it from Greengrass at some point, and that would only make things worse. He didn't want to drive Pansy away. Not now, when they finally seemed to be in a good place again.

"I have been able to talk to someone, actually."

She raised her eyebrows in what seemed like confusion, and Draco already regretted saying anything. Was it really worth jeopardising his closest friendship for something he didn't understand for himself yet?

No, he couldn't lie to himself now. Whatever was happening between Granger and him, he knew it didn't mean nothing. She was a good influence on him. He liked who he was when he was around her. But even though that was clear to him, it didn't make it any easier to share.

He cleared his throat. "Sometimes, when you're around someone long enough, things change."

Pansy narrowed her eyes at him. "What does that mean?" she asked, her tone a little more snobbish than it was before. "Are you telling me that Astoria Greengrass finally mustered up the courage to tell you she has had a crush on you since the beginning of the year? And that you feel the same?"

Draco straightened up against the backrest of his chair, staring at her in confusion. "What? Astoria Greengrass?"

"Well, if it's not her, then wh—" Pansy cut off abruptly, inhaling sharply as she pulled back her hand. Her eyes ran over his face as she seemed to search for something.

"No…" she finally breathed out disbelievingly. "You're not serious."

As much as it had comforted him earlier, right now he hated how easily they could always read each other. Even more than that, he was incredibly disappointed in himself for realising that apparently, his ability to keep a poker face had greatly diminished since the last time they had seen each other.

When he kept quiet, Pansy leaned over the table, glaring at him.

"I have stood by you for years." Though she somewhat managed to keep her composure, the tone of her voice had become ice-cold. "I stood by you through all of sixth year, tried to talk to you; tried to help you. I spent countless nights comforting you without asking questions, hoping you would choose to confide in me. I was worried sick for the whole year. And now you're telling me that none other than Mudblood Granger is the one who got you to open up? Because she was there for you for a few meagre months?"

Draco exhaled slowly through his nose, ordering himself not to give in to the building anger in his chest. He couldn't snap at her. Her fury was completely founded, and it was only fair that he allowed her to let it out on him. No matter how much he wanted to argue, he knew he had to sit here and let this happen. He couldn't deny that there wasn't any truth to her words.

When she kept quietly glaring at him, he sighed dejectedly. "I never confided in you because I wanted to keep you safe," he told her softly. "I didn't want you to get hurt."

"Well, Draco," she clipped, a sharp emphasis on his name, "consider me hurt right now."

He couldn't help but flinch a little under her glare and averted his eyes. Throughout their sixth year, he had truly believed to be in the right. His mission was to be kept secret. Once he had fully realised he was burdened with something impossible, he started to crack under the pressure. He had been consumed by fear for his life, but most importantly, his parents' lives. By telling Pansy even a sliver of the truth, he would have endangered her for simply knowing.

But keeping it from her had also been selfish. Though he had always known Pansy loved him, Draco also realised that he was bound by expectations with her. Expectations he was no longer able to uphold, though he hadn't fully realised what that meant back then. He had just known he didn't want her to see that side of him. He had wanted her close; to be his unwavering support, even if he had no intention of sharing with her what she was supporting him with.

His eyes slowly trailed over the table until they finally returned to her face. "I'm so sorry," he choked out.

"Yes, I imagine you are." Pansy arched an eyebrow. "So what exactly does this mean?"

They had arrived at the most difficult part. Draco had no idea how to adequately explain what all this meant, because he hadn't yet figured it out for himself. His Hogsmeade date with Granger had been much nicer than he had expected, and having her there with him as he attempted to apologise to Madam Rosmerta for what he had done during sixth year had made the whole ordeal much easier to deal with.

Though he had resisted her help for most of the year, there was no denying that accepting it had a positive effect on his life. Coming to terms with the events of the past two years was much easier when someone pushed you in the right direction and stayed by your side throughout. He still had no idea what motivated Granger to help him, or if he even deserved it, but he was tired of figuring it out. Perhaps it was fine to simply accept it.

"I don't yet know for sure myself," Draco confessed quietly.

"Yet?!" Pansy hissed. "So now you're telling me you're going to put in an effort to find out?"

"Damn it, Pansy, I'm telling you I don't know!" he snapped at her, finally unleashing all the frustration and uncertainty that had built up inside him. "I have been through hell and back in the past two years. I watched my parents suffer for their allegiance and beliefs, and there was nothing I could do. Most of the people I see every day hate my guts, and everything I used to draw comfort from has disappeared. I'm struggling, Pansy!"

Draco shook his head, sniffing haughtily. "I'm so tired of it," he continued much softer, looking down at his hands. "Granger's been kind to me. I've resisted for months, but I'm just tired of pretending like I don't appreciate it. It makes me feel like…" he faltered.

"Like perhaps there's hope for something better," Pansy supplied softly.

They stared at each other in silence for a moment; Draco surprised, and Pansy dejectedly. The fire had disappeared from her eyes, and she looked about as tired as he had felt for the last few months.

"Yes," he murmured at last. "Something like that."

Pansy didn't respond to that for a while and just continued to stare at him, her eyes roaming over his face again. "I think you're making a mistake," she said finally. "And I think you're putting your energy into the wrong relationships. What you're doing now… I fear it's going to alienate you from everyone."

Draco felt a pang of anxiety at her words and swallowed, attempting to ease away the lump in his throat. "Will it alienate me from you?"

There was a sort of sadness in her eyes now, and he subconsciously held his breath as he waited for her response.

"I don't want it to," she answered, her voice barely above a whisper. "But I don't know how I can stand by you through this without risking alienating myself from everyone as well. I have to go home to England at some point. There has to be something to go home to…"

Abruptly, Pansy rose from her seat and signalled the waiting staff. A waiter rushed over, and Draco listened absently as she settled their bill as a business expense in the somewhat different-sounding French that was spoken in this part of Switzerland.

The waiter gave them a small bow, and Draco followed Pansy out of the restaurant and back into the street. After the short walk back to the Swiss Ministry building, she halted and turned to him, a deep frown on her brows as she studied him again. Finally, the lines in her face eased, and she let out a long sigh.

"I don't think I consider you a blood-traitor," Pansy announced softly. The knot in Draco's stomach eased a little, though he waited with bated breath for her to continue.

"I know how much you've had to endure in the past few years," she went on. "None of us can fully relate to your experiences. We have always tiptoed the sidelines, and that was terrifying enough. I suppose a part of me can understand how you ended up bonding with Potter's Mudbl—"

"Pansy, please," he interjected sharply, unable to stop himself.

Annoyance flashed over her face, and she angrily clenched her jaw for a moment. "Damn it, Draco," she then snapped at him. "I am really trying here! If you hope for me to be at all supportive, you will grant me the time I need to come to terms with how much you have changed, and you will be graciously patient about it!"

Draco flinched at her outburst. He had to take a deep breath to suppress the reflex to curl his lip in a sneer. She was right. He had to admit to himself how much he was asking of her. By supporting him in distancing himself from their societal expectations, she would unwillingly be forced to do the same. It was unfair to expect that she could understand his current stance, especially when it had taken him months of reluctance to get to this point himself.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

Pansy continued to glare for a moment longer. "I will try, Draco," she then bit out. "But it will be on my terms, not yours."

He gave her a singular nod, wordlessly acknowledging her declaration.

She stepped forward onto her tiptoes and pressed a kiss on his cheek. When she moved back, Draco was once again confronted with the sad sort of look from earlier.

"Safe travels," Pansy said softly. "And thank you for coming to visit me. It was lovely seeing you again, even despite…" She grimaced. "It was lovely," she then decided, sounding a little more determined.

Then she whirled around and entered the Ministry building, and Draco stared after her, feeling entirely unsure if this was the best outcome he could have hoped for.