It's not aliens. It's not secret government experiments. Are you ready, earthlings? Hold onto your hats. If you're wearing hats. Do people wear hats that often these days? Never mind, here goes.

I!

AM!

A!

WIZARD!

Let me back up a bit. As you recall, when last you left your intrepid and maybe dashing if you squint hero, someone was knocking menacingly on the door. Vernon and Petunia freaked, which, honestly, I can't blame them for. It really came out of nowhere. The door opened and I swear hand to God, the biggest man I've ever seen in my whole life showed up. This man, and I shit you not, was like what would happen if you combined James Bond and Andre the Giant. He was huge. Maybe seven feet tall! He wore the most incredible and elegant tuxedo, perfectly pressed, and his hair and beard was wild and shaggy.

This man was goals, people.

Vernon had no appreciation for goals. His goal was to be as big a jerk as possible, so he promptly tried to shoot the man. Which, okay, given that he was breaking and entering, I got it, but still, this guy was so cool. Anyway, it didn't work. The man tied Vernon's shotgun into a knot with his bare hands. Just like that! And then he did something even more incredible.

He wished me a happy birthday!

No one's ever wished me happy birthday before in my life! Not even my teachers or peers. I know what you're saying. Harry, this is such a basic thing, Harry, you need therapy, Harry, you have undiagnosed ADHD, you know it, I know it, please get a formal diagnosis. To which I say, I FORGE MY OWN PATH, DWEEBS. Back to this guy, though, he didn't just wish me happy birthday. He had baked me a cake. True, he'd sat on the box at some point and it was all smushed, but it is the thought that counts.

The man proceeded to introduce himself as Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. Now I had several questions, such as "what the hell is Hogwarts," "what does a Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts do," "what exactly is the true meaning of the Voynich Manuscript, damn it," and, perhaps most relevantly, "how does this man know who I am?"

"What is the true meaning of the Voynich manuscript?" I asked and then slapped my forehead at letting the wrong question leave my mouth.

"Between subtle shading and the absence of light," Hagrid intoned solemnly, "lies the nuance of illusion." Hagrid lightly tapped me on the back, nearly knocking me to the ground. "But I think what you really want to know is how I know who you are, am I right?"

Hagrid sat down next to me, his face surprisingly gentle for a man so huge. The Dursleys cowered in the corner. I ignored them, though a part of me relished in them finally fearing fear for once. "Your parents were dear friends of mine. Especially your mother. Lily was a force of nature. Unwavering in her beliefs. Fanatical, some said, but there'll always be naysayers." My eyes flickered over at the ultimate naysayers.

"Why am I here?" I demanded.

"We all have a purpose in this life, Harry," Hagrid said. "We're all cogs in the great machine known as Great Britain."

I did a face palm. "No, why am I here with them? If you're such good friends with my parents, why didn't you take me?"

"Oh, well, in my case it's because I have a dangerous job," Hagrid explained. "I work with all sorts of magical creatures. It was no place for a baby."

Well, that made sense, I thought to myself. Then what he had just said to me sunk in fully. "Magical creatures?"

He gave a gentle laugh. "Now, come on, Harry, surely you aren't going to say you don't know nothing about magic." His face turned ashen as my expression must have said it all. He turned to the Dursleys with a thunderous expression. "What did you do?" he snarled.

"Only what we had to!" Petunia screamed in an honestly atypical spike of bravery. As much as I despised her, I gave credit where credit was do: that was an impressive display of courage. And foolishness. But some say those are one and the same. "I wasn't about to let the boy turn out like her! Dead at 21! Killed in some damn fool crusade! It was for his own good to keep magic from the child."

"Oh, is that why you put me in a cupboard?" I snarked. "For my own good?"

Hagrid stomped over to Vernon and Petunia. "You. Did. What?" Before they could answer the question, Hagrid grabbed Petunia by the throat and slammed her against the wall. Petunia clawed at her throat for breath and I genuinely thought she was going to die.

"Hagrid!" I snapped. I hate Petunia, I genuinely despise her, but I was not about to have her blood on my hands. Also, with my luck, the police would probably think I killed her. "Put her down now!"

Thank God, Hagrid listened to me. "You're very lucky Harry takes after his father," he said, his voice simmering with anger. "Lily wouldn't have listened at all."

"Hagrid, what happened to my parents?" I demanded to take Hagrid's mind off of Petunia. I had long accepted the Dursleys' story of them dying in a car crash (though not the embellishments of them being on meth and my mother being a crack whore and my father being his pimp driving her to her next appointment), but if part of their past was falsified, this part might be too. "Why are you here? All those strange things I've done…does that mean I'm a wizard too?"

Hagrid looked grim. "Your parents were murdered. They had fought against a very evil wizard, one so foul people don't dare say his name."

"Could you, you know, write it down?" I asked. I would be damned if I didn't know the name of my parents' murderer.

"No, I can't spell it," Hagrid muttered. "Dyslexia, you know. But fine, I'll say it just once. Voldemort."

"That sounds like it's of French origin," I pointed out. "Shouldn't the T be silent?"

"The whole word should be silent because you should never say it!" Hagrid shouted. Touché. "Your parents learned magic at Hogwarts and so will you." I beamed. Magic school. So cool. "Some mages – that's the gender neutral term for magic user – are the children of other mages, but some are the children of Muggles." I figured Muggle must have been the term for non-magic user. "You Know Who and his minions didn't like the idea of Muggleborn learning magic."

This all seemed very Nazi-esque to me. I wonder if this Voldemort character was inspired by Hitler, or if it was just a coincidence. "So my parents fought him and they died."

"He came to your house to kill you all," Hagrid said grimly. "He killed your parents – they died as heroes. And then he tried to kill you, and he failed. You're the only survivor of the Avada Kedavra curse, the Killing Curse, in all of history." He pointed at my scar and I realized it was the mark of where I'd been cursed. "You Know Who disappeared after that, and everyone assumed you killed him."

"You don't believe it?"

"I don't believe anything's dead until I've seen a body," Hagrid said. I nodded in approval. Very sensible. "But something happened to him, cause no one's seen hide nor hair of him in ten years."

There was something bothering me about this story, some detail that didn't seem to fit, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. So I decided to move on and hope it came to me later. "Did you bring the letter?"

"Sure did," Hagrid said with a grim and handed it over.

[Image description: {It's Harry's Hogwarts letter. We all know what it says, right?}]

While I read the letter, an owl perched on Hagrid's shoulder. Hagrid wrote two notes, and handed them both over to the owl like he was some sort of carrier pigeon.

"This is awesome!" I announced. "Hagrid, I am so in. Does Hogwarts have economics classes? Is it a boarding school? What's the answer to life, the universe, and everything? Am I going to learn to fly?"

"Er, no, yes, 42, and yes, but just with broomsticks," Hagrid said after a minute. "Now if you'd just care to come with me, I'll take you to Diagon Alley to get your school supplies."

Vernon drew himself upwards. "You will do no such thing!" he screamed. "That child will not be going to magic school! You're a raving lunatic, sir! You have manhandled my wife, broken into my house, threatened my family!"

Hagrid smirked. "There's nothing you can do to stop me. Magic is above all law. Should I demonstrate?" He summoned an umbrella from nowhere, aimed it at Dudley, incanted a spell, and turned Dudley into a pig.

I put my hands on my hips, trying my best to hold back the powerful laugh that was threatening to escape me at every single moment. It was aided by the fact that, honestly, this was disturbing the more I thought about it. Hagrid could do just about anything – any mage could – and no one could stop him. If he wanted to kill the Dursleys, kill Harry, what could I do? "Please put him back," I said. "Please? For me?"

"Oh, aye, for you, Harry," Hagrid said and turned Dudley back into a human. "Let that be a lesson to you. You're out of your depth, Dursleys. Way out of your depth. Shall we go, Harry? There's a lot to do. The first step in your journey begins now."

"What's at the end of the journey?" I couldn't help but wonder.

"Oh, I think you may be surprised," Hagrid said with a smirk.

And then it suddenly occurred to me, that detail that had been eluding me earlier. If I was the only survivor of the attack, how did anyone know he used the Killing Curse on me? I didn't know the answer. For all I know, it would be something completely benign like some sort of magical diagnostic. But I have the feeling it'll be important for later.

For now, I'm going to put it out of my mind. I'm a freaking wizard, I can do magic, and now I don't ever have to be afraid of the Dursleys again. Life is amazing.

COMMENTS

daughter_of_dentists: Congratulations on getting your Hogwarts letter, Harry! Now that you've gotten it, I can tell you I got one too! I'm a witch and I'll be starting Hogwarts in the same year as you. I'll meet up with you on the train – I know you don't know what I look like, but I know what you look like. Everyone does. See you soon!

Oh, wow, that's awesome! Sorry I accused you of being an axe murderer, but in my defense, you were acting sort of creepily. Can't wait to meet you!

deeds_of_stone: I have to admit, I did not expect this blog to turn out to be an inventive urban fantasy type story, but I am here for it. Something about this Hagrid fellow seems suspicious, though. I don't like how he just uses magic cavalierly on your cousin. Though the jerk has it coming. You're a great writer, Harry, and I hope to see more from you soon!

Thanks! It's all real, though.

[Message from Operative Echidna (real name Rubeus Hagrid) to his handler, Operative Woodpecker (real name Rachel Ekaterina Dacted)]

The pot is in the kiln, repeat, the pot is in the kiln. All my instructions have been followed to the letter, and I will attack the Dursley child as ordered, which I once again renew my objections to. Throwing around my power is exactly what we're trying to stop.

[Reply from Woodpecker]

I'm as unhappy as you are, Echidna, but we have to show Potter the truth behind magical society: that it is foul, corrupt, and lawless and a stain upon mankind. We haven't spent years manipulating his life just to throw it away at a sign of weakness. Do you have any idea how much we've spent on bribes to get child protection to ignore Potter's abuse and make it look like magical interference? Too much. And if you say another word of complaint, it'll all come out of your salary from now on.

We're doing this for Britain, Echidna. Remember that. Rule Britannia. Always rule Britannia.