Dear Molly,
It is I, Headmaster, Chief Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, and Scottish Bowling Champion 111 years running, Albus Dumbledore, writing to you about a matter of supreme importance. As you know, this year, our Savior Harry Potter begins Hogwarts. Mr. Potter has been under the loving care of his mother's Muggle relatives, who have wisely decided to withhold his heritage from him so that he may have a normal childhood. Truly, Vernon and Petunia Dursley are saints who deserve our respect. As such, I believe Harry has no idea how to get onto the platform.
I was wondering if I could prevail upon you to make Mr. Potter overhear you mentioning the name of the platform to your children and teach him how to get there. Such a thing would allow you to forge a connection with Mr. Potter, thus enabling him to have strong Light influences in his life. It is very important Mr. Potter associate with the right people. After all, all will be lost if he lets Dark influences such as Slytherins into his life.
Wishing you nothing but the best, I remain,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Dear Professor Dumbledore,
You must be out of your mind. I will not participate in what seems like a transparent attempt to manipulate an orphan. If you wish Harry to know how to get onto the platform, tell him yourself. Do not use our family as pawns. That poor boy deserves better than that. Do not dishonor James's memory thusly. And while I may have disagreed with Lily Potter on a host of ideological issues – her passionate hatred of the Statute of Secrecy foremost among them – but I knew her to be a good woman and will not see her memory besmirched either.
James and Lily Potter were my brothers' comrades in arms, which is why it is all the more reprehensible that you are smearing their names in such a manner. Need I remind you that Fabian and Gideon were both Slytherins? Need I remind you that they fought in the Order of the Phoenix alongside you? And need I remind you that they died as heroes, being cut down by Death Eaters in a heroic mission to rescue captured Muggle children?
It would seem that I do. And perhaps such a reminder means you are getting senile, Albus. I certainly hope so, because the alternative is too unpalatable to contemplate.
With precisely the amount of respect you deserve,
Molly Weasley
Dear Molly,
I am very disappointed in you, my girl. Of course not all Slytherins are evil, but they are inclined towards evil and Darkness and very few – your brothers being the rare exception, naturally – manage to transcend the moral handicaps baked into them at birth. Surely you do not wish Mr. Potter to be corrupted, to become another Dark Lord? Those who do not follow the Light are Dark and all those who are Dark are evil. I would hate to think you are among their number.
In case the danger to your soul by refusing to follow the orders of I, the divinely appointed Leader of the Light, is not sufficient to motivate you, allow me to present a more temporal motivation: Your dear husband Arthur has been linked to certain corrupt actions regarding the enchantment of Muggle objects. If there was an investigation initiated by the Chief Warlock, he would surely lose his job.
Yours very sincerely,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Dear Albus,
I can't believe I named one of my children after you, you blackmailing fiend. Very well, I will cooperate with your demands under protest, but I will not acquiesce to doing any illegal actions. And I suspect of the two of us, the only one of us who needs to worry about their soul is not me.
Molly
u/lemondropenthusiast
It is I, the headmaster of, shall we say Warthogs School, once more seeking out advice from the wonderful people of Reddit! As you recall from my previous post, H is going to be coming to Warthogs where I fully anticipate him getting into contact with the Dark Lord V. And I have very good news on that front! It seems that my Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, QQ, has been possessed by the spirit of the Dark Lord V. Naturally, I intend to let him among my students, because I can't imagine any harm coming from that. H will face him at the end of the year after braving the gauntlet I constructed. Everything continues apace!
Now I've surpassed myself with yet another stroke of genius. I will have a family of Light supporters, the W family, befriend H and keep him ignorant of his heritage, role in society, and a variety of things he needs to function in society. I will personally have R, the youngest W son (same age as H) spy on the boy in exchange for money…procured from H's vault. When H is old enough, I will have R's younger sister G (F10) seduce H, marry him, and then inherit the estate after H sacrifices himself to kill V.
Oh, yes, I did mention H has to die in order for V to die, didn't I? It's a tragedy, but meh, the world is full of tragedies.
Anyways, I've secured the perfect plan to get the W family to ingratiate themselves to H. I directed my loyal henchman…er, employee RH to "forget" to tell H about the platform where students to Warthogs go to in order to board the train to our school. Then I ordered MW (F…no clue how old she is) to loudly announce the platform number! Thus H will latch onto her! So am I the asshole for being a schemer par excellence…or is my plan, as I suspect, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT, I TELL YOU?! GENIUS, I SAY!
COMMENTS:
the_thinking_mallard (moderator): Once again, your post has been flagged for violation of our no shitposting rule. You will be given one more warning before your account is temporarily suspended. Also, though I concede this goes against the neutral role I am supposed to play, if this was real, YTA and you need professional mental help.
instrahnity2: I like how you're riffing off of Into the Potter Zone! My brother introduced me to that blog and I got to say, I'm loving the twists and turns. Anyway, getting into character now: YTA big time. You're openly plotting the death of a child under your care. Like…everything else you mentioned seems entirely redundant next to that.
louvrethe1yourewith: VERY technically NAH because you are clearly legitimately insane. I mean, I can only assume you've lost your mind, because absurd doesn't even begin to describe your schemes. Your big plan is to have an 11 year old as your trusted spy? Subtlety and eleven year olds are antonyms. It's going to fall apart at the first post, and that assumes the kid will even cooperate.
greatergoodenthusiast1: My boy, of course NTA. People cannot be trusted to think for themselves. They have to be manipulated into doing things, for the greater good. This reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, who I meticulously manipulated in helping me craft a reign of terror throughout the land. If I hadn't done that, he never would have become the powerful man he is today! He should be thanking me!
Thank you once more for your unflinching support, GGE1. I'm just glad I'm not this ex-boyfriend of yours. He seems like quite the gullible sap!
curryer6: YTA, duh. Also, have you considered that maybe H will just find another way to find out what the platform number was?
Of course not, my friend! There is no possible other way for him to learn that information!
Presently in the chat:
Harry Potter
Roger Malone
Harry Thanks to Daughter of Dentists for giving me the code to this chat. Does anyone know how to get to Platform 9 3/4? Hagrid forgot to tell me.
Roger There's a wall between Platform 9 and 10. You just run straight into it and presto, you're in the platform. Like magic! *jazz hands*
Harry Thanks, mate! I owe you one! See you at Hogwarts!
It's time.
I am going to be a wizard soon. I mean, I technically am a wizard, but I am going to be getting proper training and that's what I meant. Damn my need to be pedantic. Let me start again.
The last few weeks have been some of the most pleasant ones I've ever had with the Dursleys. Forget about magic, all I needed to put them in their place turned out to be the mighty and omnipotent Ishtaran (his words, not mine). Those saps have been acting like I'll order my snake to poison them. But I wouldn't do that, of course. Setting aside the fact that it would be murder, I can't; Ishtaran is a smooth snake and thus not venomous. But the bluff has worked supremely well. Maybe I'm a bad person for terrorizing my relatives a little, but I see it as an eye for an eye.
Unexpectedly, Aunt Petunia gave me a ride to the station. In actuality, she's been nicer than she ever has been these last few weeks, and not entirely out of fear either. Is she a loving aunt and a good person? Hell no. But we've managed to be civil to each other and she's even occasionally answered some questions about my mother. According to Aunt Petunia, my mother was an egocentric narcissist with delusions of grandeur. Obviously, that's suspect, but she did tell me some more believable things. Like how Mum defended Aunt Petunia against bullies sometimes. Or how she tried her best to support Aunt Petunia's dreams. She even showed me a photograph from their wedding, which I'm attaching here. If anyone knows who the men in the picture are, could you let me know?
[Image description: Mum and Dad (I presume he's Dad since we look so similar) standing next to three men, a bookish academic type, a small nervous looking man, and a man with long hair who honestly looks so cool.]
I think, and I'm just guessing, but I think Aunt Petunia was shaken up by Hagrid's threats. If this is how scary the good guys are, she's probably thinking, then the bad guys must have been horrifying. I like to think we understand each other better. Maybe that's wishful thinking, and I know how awful she's been to me, but she's my mother's sister. I think Mum would want us to be on good terms, right?
As for Vernon, I don't think the two of us have exchanged more than a dozen words in the last few weeks. Whenever he wanted to speak to me, he'd relay requests through Aunt Petunia. And Dudley was sent to stay with Aunt Marge until school started, which is a huge problem because I'm actually pitying Dudley now and that's just wrong.
Bizarrely enough, the top secret entrance to the conveyance to Hogwarts is at…drumroll please…King's Cross of all stations. And we get to go on a train. What a total letdown! Why couldn't we go on a flying carpet or something? And it's not even a flying train, just an ordinary (though very old looking) steam train. BORING!
Thanks to Roger Malone, I figured out how to get onto the platform. It was kind of strange. This redheaded woman with a ton of children kept on saying the platform number and how to get on at increasingly loud tones. Maybe there's some sort of charm preventing the Muggles from hearing her? I felt kind of sad for her children. They clearly wanted to be anywhere else.
I got to my compartment and then things got bizarre. Conspiratorially bizarre. Chemtrailsarereal level bizarre. They're probably going to be very smug right now, because for once, you're right and there is a massive, strange conspiracy happening. But, you know, chem trails are not actually real and everything you've been saying is complete madness, so don't get too cocky.
I met Ron Weasley, one of the redheaded children I mentioned. And it turned out the woman, his mother, had been directed to tell me how to get onto the platform by the headmaster, the aforementioned Dumbledore. Is anyone else finding Dumbledore suspicious? Because I totally am.
"Look, I'd really like to be your friend," Ron went on, "but not if it's some scheme of the headmaster's. You seem nice. I know there's the whole Boy Who Lived thing, but, well…maybe you're just like me? Trying to make your way in the world. Not really seen."
I smiled at him. "Ron, it's okay. You've earned my trust, telling me all this. I mean, we've just met, but I can see the two of us being friends. Any idea why Dumbledore is doing all this?"
Ron shrugged. "No clue, but Mum's not happy so it can't be good. People say all sorts of weird things about him. I think he might have a bit of a cheese obsession."
"A cheese obsession?" I repeated incredulously.
"Yeah, cause he keeps talking about the grater gouda."
I guffawed. A sweet guy with a sense of humor centering around puns? Yes, please! "He sounds dairy off his rocker!" I said, and the two of us were practically in stitches from laughter.
I felt light and free and happy like I've never been before. I've never had friends before. Dudley scared them all off. But there's no Dudley here. And even if that Draco guy shows up, Ishtaran would scare him away. For the first time, I could be myself and not be punished for it. I would learn magic, thwart whatever silly schemes Dumbledore had, and find a way to use magic to automate the cooking process at the fish and chips shop I'm still determined to open.
When Ron showed me his rat Scabbers, Ishtaran poked his head out of the bag where I'd been keeping him and gave a snarl. That creature doesn't smell right, he informed me.
What does that mean? I asked, ignoring the fact that Ron's face had frozen in a comical rictus of horror. I couldn't blame him, I suppose. If I couldn't understand Ishtaran and a snake had just popped out of nowhere, I'd be freaked out too.
I don't know, Ishtaran said, sounding frustrated. He's a rat and yet not.
Probably just some weird magical mutation, I decided and then ignored it. Surely such a thing wouldn't be at all significant. A far more important issue was at hand, namely that Ron was looking at me like I was about to go all Exorcist on him. "Ron, mate?" I asked, waving a hand in front of his face. "Anyone at home?"
"You're a Parselmouth," Ron said in a rough, raspy tone. And yet, I could not help but note, he was not running.
"I am," I said gently. "But I'm not evil. I was just born this way."
"But…but it's a dark talent! You Know Who had it!"
I stopped myself from trying to get Ron to say Voldemort's name. I was asking for quite a lot in trying to get him to accept me as a Parselmouth. I didn't want to overload the poor boy. "Ron, look at me. Really look at me."
Ron looked me up and down, taking in my less than impressive wardrobe and my probably slightly malnourished appearance. "Oh," he said softly.
"If I was some sort of evil mastermind, I wouldn't look this pathetic," I told him. "I'm not anyone special, no matter what anyone says. I want to learn magic and when I get older, I'm going to run a fish and chips shop. Potter's Platters, I'm going to call it."
"Will friends get a discount?" Ron asked eagerly. I had a hunch the path to this guy's heart led directly to his stomach.
"If they don't do dumb things like think I'm evil because of something I'm born with," I said sharply.
Ron gave a shaky grin. "Yeah, I think I can manage that. I'm sorry, Ishtaran." He tried his best to speak Parseltongue but only came up with discordant gibberish.
Is the orange one having a seizure?
"He's just being Ron," I said with a grin, which Ron shared.
I bought a whole bunch of candy when the trolley lady showed up. The train may not have been sufficiently magical, but the candy made up for it. Here, let me show you.
[Image description: Various packages of Chocolate Frogs, Cauldron Cakes, Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor beans, et al.]
The coolest part were the Chocolate Frogs, which actually hopped around. I felt a little bad eating them, but Ron says they're not actually alive, they're just animated by a spell, which made me feel better. Eating the stuff made me feel better too! It turns out Chocolate Frogs also come with trading cards of famous mages. I got one with Dumbledore on it. And get this! The pictures move around! Isn't that just awesome?
Dumbledore is definitely, probably deliberately, going for the Gandalf look. Seriously, this dude could be Sir Ian McKellen's understudy. The card says he's done things like defeat the dark lord Grindelwald and worked on alchemy with his partner Nicolas Flamel. I'm sure none of that will be important for later!
I was just about to ask Ron about who these people even were when a girl barged into our compartment. She had bushy hair and her face was alight with fervor. I detected true mad scientist vibes from this girl.
"Hi, you must be Harry!" she said, practically bouncing on her feet with excitement.
"Aw, and here I thought my hair was cut pretty short this time around," I said with a theatrical pout. Ron snorted. The girl didn't get it. I am unappreciated on an epic scale.
"I'm Hermione Granger," she said after a few moments of awkward silence and held out her hand for me to shake. "But you probably know me as Daughter of Dentists."
I suddenly felt very silly for not remembering that Daughter of Dentists intended to speak to me when I got to the train. But come on, I've been busy having literally everything I thought I knew be wrong. Cut me some slack. "Oh, sure, nice to meet you! This is my friend Ron and my pet Ishtaran."
Ishtaran moved his head from side to side and I realized this was his equivalent of a wave.
Hermione let out a high pitched squeak and it took me a minute to realize it was not one of fear, but rather of excitement. "You can speak to snakes?! Oh, that is so amazing! How does that even work? Is there a genetic component?" Hermione proceeded to absolutely besiege me with questions.
"Blimey, Hermione, give the lad some room to breathe!" Ron said.
Hermione flushed scarlet. "I'm so terribly sorry. I'm absolutely pants when it comes to interacting with other people. I was homeschooled for a while and I'm afraid I wasn't able to integrate with my peers very well when that stopped. What house do you think you're going to be in?"
"House?" I said blankly.
Hold onto your hats, people, because things have just gotten even more messed up. There are four houses in Hogwarts: Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin. Gryffindors are apparently brave and heroic, the knight types. Ravenclaws are intellectuals. Hufflepuffs appear to be…I don't know. A house for people who don't fall into any of the above categories? A place for hard workers and loyal people? It's not clear.
But it's Slytherin that's the most messed up of them all, because most people think they're all evil. And by that, I mean most people, not most kids. Because of the dormitory you stay in, a choice made when you are eleven, people will vilify you for the rest of your life. Slytherins embody cunning and ambition, two traits I value highly. Ambition – well, I don't need to tell you what my ambition is now. And cunning is the only way to succeed when you lack power like me. How many Slytherins are like me, I wonder?
Now it's true that this reputation didn't come up randomly. Many Death Eaters – Voldemort's followers – were from Slytherin and so, apparently, was Voldemort himself. But I refuse to believe a quarter of the magical population is entirely peopled with evil bigots, to say nothing of a quarter of magical children.
It's wrong for children to be defined just by their houses. It's wrong for magical society to put so much weight on these houses. It's wrong that a child whose only crime is wanting to better themself is going to be regarded as evil! It's wrong, wrong, wrong! And I have to fix it.
When I told Ron and Hermione all this, I expected them to look at me like I had grown a second head. Instead, it looked to me like the same ideas were churning in their own heads. "I think you might be right," Ron said softly. "But still, there are a lot of kids of Death Eaters there…maybe you won't be safe there."
"I'm not afraid," I announced. "Not with my friends beside me." Ishtaran hissed irritably. "And a snek to protecc me." Now Ron looked at me as if I'd grown a second head, but I ignored him. I would teach these kids meme culture if it killed me.
Hermione looked startled. "I…that's what we are? Friends?"
"Sure, why not?" I said easily, but I knew what Hermione was feeling. Utter shock, almost as if it was too good to be sure. I knew it because I felt the same way myself.
"So you're going to Slytherin, then," Ron said slowly. "Well…maybe I should go there too…just to look after my friend."
Hermione set her chin up in a haughty, determined expression which honestly just looked adorable on her. "So be it. Slytherin for us all. Let them just try to get to us! I'll hit them with everything I've got." An unholy fire appeared in her eyes.
I opened a window because the compartment suddenly seemed to be getting warmer. Draco tried to bother us, but he heard me chattering away with Ishtaran, screamed like a little girl (no offense, Hermione!) and ran for his life. The rest of the journey seemed to pass completely uneventfully.
Hagrid led us over to a bunch of boats and…we saw Hogwarts. Words can't describe it so I'll just show you a picture and then promptly contradict myself by describing it for my visually impaired readers.
[Image description: A magnificent castle towering over us, glittering with magic sparking all over the place, filled with turrets and towers. And it's welcoming me. I can feel it in my bones.]
I have to go now. We're going to be sorted soon and I am going to show the world just what a Slytherin can do.
From: Agent Woodpecker
To: Sir Andrew Felix Eddington
Director
We have a huge problem. We've definitely identified the commenter daughter_of_dentists as Hermione Granger, daughter of known FSB assets Katarina Lesic and Eduard Renat Hamm. Should I instruct Echidna to eliminate her?
Woodpecker
Negative, Woodpecker. Such a provocation would only let the Russians know we're onto them. It's very cunning of them, placing an agent in close proximity to the Boy Who Lived, but in the end, we'll triumph. Hermione Granger may be a crafty, devious foe, but she is nothing compared to the glory that is Britannia. It will be Britain – and the power of magic we harness – that will shape the next century and all those to come.