HEADMASTER DUMBLEDORE SENILE?!

By Beatrice Lola Yang, Hogwarts Gazette reporter

Albus Dumbledore has been a fixture in our school for decades as headmaster and to some, any word of complaint against him is akin to heresy. Yet the Hogwarts Gazette has never shied away from reporting controversial subjects. We have faithfully and without fear or favor reported on the facts of the issues important to Hogwarts since our establishment in the year 1818. Ministry censorship was not enough to stop us. It was we who broke the story of the Unseelie incursion of 1866, 1950-1953 Defense Professor Alucard's true identity as the dread vampire Dracula (and he wouldn't have gotten it away with it too if it hadn't been for that meddling diplomatic immunity), and the stunning revelation that 2000 Defense Professor Skinner's so-called old family recipe for steamed hams were in fact purchased from an Edinburgh McDonalds.

It gives us no pleasure at all to unfortunately have to drop another truth bomb on your heads: Headmaster Dumbledore's mental state has deteriorated rapidly and it is now widely believed among the students and faculty that he has gone senile. Anecdotes have been pouring into this paper about how he has difficulty correctly identifying people's names, routinely believes perfectly normal activities like eating a sandwich is proof people are "going dark," and has become disturbingly obsessed with Harry Potter.

"Dumbledore asked me to spy on Harry at the beginning of the year," Ron Weasley, Potter's best friend, confessed to the paper. "Of course me and Harry have been having a right laugh over it, but it's still not normal. So far, Dumbledore's been, what was the phrase Hermione used? Oh, yeah, comically inept. But what if he decides to hurt Harry?"

From what can be gleaned from reports, both anonymous and signed, Headmaster Dumbledore has become convinced Harry is paralleling a student named Tom Riddle. Once one of the most notable students at Hogwarts, a former Slytherin prefect and head boy, Riddle ended up working retail after Hogwarts and since vanished from public record. Dumbledore has alleged that Riddle became You Know Who, and while this reporter has to admit she can see how working retail would lead anyone to embrace a path of evil, Riddle's half-blood parentage makes it very unlikely he would pursue an agenda based on blood supremacy.

While Potter has proven himself to be remarkably annoying over the last few months – "a maelstrom of bewilderment and chaos" according to a faculty member who wishes to remain anonymous – no one the Gazette has questioned indicated Mr. Potter has even the slightest inclination towards evil, not even some of Potter's fiercest rivals.

"You just have to take one look at Potter to know he's not a dark lord," Dean Thomas, Gryffindor, said dismissively. "The best he'd do is Doofenshmirtz level evil, and I don't even think he'd manage to get that far. Even if he did try to make an evil plan, he'd forget what it was halfway through."

None of this, however, seems to have sunk into Headmaster Dumbledore's increasingly deranged head. Headmaster Dumbledore has been expounding on the base villainy of Potter to anyone who happens to get in earshot, including, on multiple occasions, potted plants. Headmaster Dumbledore seems to believe Potter has created an "inner circle" (he seems to have no close friends other than Weasley and Hermione Granger), that he is charismatic and well beloved by the teachers (general consensus among the faculty seems to be that Potter makes them want to tear their hair out on a regular basis), and has foolishly endangered the students by bringing danger to their doorstep (seemingly ignoring the fact that Headmaster Dumbledore recently hired a man possessed by You Know Who).

In a fiendishly coded written statement sent to us apparently in error which we were only able to decipher to the combined efforts of the entire seventh year Ravenclaw class, Headmaster Dumbledore has alleged that Potter has a "Horcrux" in his scar – no mention of this concept exists in any book in the library – and is now possessed by the shade of You Know Who. According to him, the only way for the magical world to be preserved is for Potter to die. The Gazette firmly rejects Headmaster Dumbledore's theories. We need only point to the fact that if You Know Who's legendary appetite for sadism was combined with Potter's legendary appetite for chaos, none of us would be alive to read this article right now.

Matters came to a head recently in this week's faculty meeting, the notes of which were sent to us by an anonymous source. Headmaster Dumbledore was obsessed with the threat supposedly posed by Potter and tried to steer the topic of the meeting to him at every single occasion, undermining discussion of discipline, budgetary matters, and the continuing question of why the SQUAMOUS VOID OF THE ABYSS in room 886 remains unclosed after twelve years. According to Headmaster Dumbledore, Potter's most recent venture into "the depths of stygian darkness" came from his lack of investigation into the third floor corridor.

"I'm sorry, he's going dark because he isn't breaking the rules?" Deputy Headmistress McGonagall said tentatively.

At this point, Headmaster Dumbledore's eyes started twinkling so brightly and rapidly they apparently caused Professor Trelawney to have a seizure, though in his defense this is not too removed from her usual behavior. "Yes, dearest Arabella! That's right. He's not following the clues I so cunningly and meticulously left behind. Surely that means he has turned to…the dark side. Perhaps following in the footsteps of the evil warlock Darth Plagueis!"

Professor Burbage started laughing so hard, no doubt at the confusing logic Headmaster Dumbledore was demonstrating, that she needed to conjure herself a glass of water. "Really? Well, headmaster, this is indeed concerning. Perhaps you launch an investigation into Plagueis's apprentice Darth Sidious. Or maybe Sidious's apprentice Darth Vader."

Headmaster Dumbledore nodded gravely. "You are quite right, Charity. I will launch a full investigation into this Darth Vader individual. He could be leading Harry down a path of darkness."

"I find your lack of faith in Harry disturbing, headmaster," Professor O'Neill said, looking as if he was having trouble restraining laughter himself. "Maybe Harry was just trying to follow the rules you yourself laid out at the feast. And weren't you accusing him of stealing the Stone before the break?"

Headmaster Dumbledore looked at him with disappointment. "Yes, but that was before you gave him an alibi, Colm, one corroborated by one of our most trustworthy and non-Slytherin prefects." This, it should be noted, was actually a good point. "Harry has some nefarious scheme in mind. Perhaps he intends to destroy the school at the performance of the Tempest."

At this point, Professor Sinistra launched into a blistering, invective filled rant in defense of Potter's theatrical ambitions, none of which was even remotely suitable for publication in a newspaper targeted towards schoolchildren. Suffice it to say she was not amused.

Headmaster Dumbledore's grasp on reality continued deteriorating over the course of the meeting to the point where he could not seem to remember anyone's names, repeated the phrase "Mr. Olivander is helping me find my wand" no less than fourteen times in a row before Deputy Headmistress McGonagall literally slapped some sense into him, and left the meeting abruptly by announcing he was late for a meeting with the long dead Muggle Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

It is the official opinion of the Hogwarts Gazette that Headmaster Dumbledore is unfit for office and needs to be removed from his position immediately. If he continues in his position, he risks causing incalculable harm to his legacy and, more importantly, potentially causing harm to innocent students.

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore! It's bad enough that I've basically had to threaten people into auditioning for the Tempest. Or that Hagrid seems to have lost his marbles and is frantically trying to convince me that Hermione's some sort of…assassin? I'm really not sure. Confession time: I have difficulty understanding what Hagrid's saying sometimes, what with his accent, and he's been drinking a lot more recently, so that hasn't helped. But all of this pales in comparison to what Dumbledore has done now. It wasn't bad enough that he had to creepily stalk me or subject me to weird…hang on, I swear I wrote this down after Hermione said it…Manichean rants about the "greater good" or whatever malarkey he's going on about. No, now he's crossed an unforgivable line.

He hurt Ishtaran.

Yes, you read that right, loyal readers. He hurt my beloved snake, a wonderful, kind, generous soul who wouldn't hurt a fly. (Actually, he's kind of a vicious bastard who thinks manners are for other people, but he's my vicious bastard who thinks manners are for other people and he still hasn't actually hurt anyone.) Poor Ishtaran has been the victim of discrimination. It's anti Slytherin prejudice and I don't buy the whole "being uncomfortable with having a snake in my classroom." If it was a tarantula, they wouldn't be saying the same thing and Hagrid would agree with me if I asked him and I caught him in a sober moment!

It was near the end of yet another long meeting with Dumbledore, where he went on rambling speeches about the need for forgiving your enemies even when they committed unspeakable atrocities, went on rambling rants about the villainy of Slytherins ("present company excepted" according to him) and, by far worst of all, kept on offering me candy which didn't exist! I swear he does that on purpose; everyone knows what a sweet tooth I have.

Now you may be asking yourselves some pertinent questions, like, "Harry, why do you still go to these meetings when they're so dumb?" or "Can't you just leave since he's so out of it he'll probably just not notice and go on talking to thin air?" or "Do you love to go a-wandering beneath a clear blue sky?" The answer to the first two questions is pretty simple. Sometimes, amidst the lunacy, there are actually some really fascinating stories he tells. I'm not about to miss out on the chance to learn about the recent and even not so recent history of the magical world from one of its most important primary sources.

Now as I was saying, we were nearing the end of another meeting. I'm going to be very honest with you here. I was not happy at all. My frustration with the senile headmaster was nearing its tipping point. So I'm not going to pretend I didn't provoke Dumbledore. But still his behavior was unacceptable. So Dumbledore keeps on trying to make me meet his eyes. I recently found out that this was because he likes to use a spell to read people's minds that needs eye contact. I tried to convince Ron and Hermione to let me practice reading their minds this way, but both of them refused and when I offered to return the favor, they ran screaming from the room, which I felt was really rather rude of them.

I was just so fed up. I was at the end of my rope. So this time, I decided to give him exactly what he wanted. I looked him in the eyes and I vividly projected the thought of me bashing his head open with his stupid perpetually empty tray of lemon drops. I shouldn't have done that. I know. It was stupid. And I did not mean it. I don't want to hurt anyone, much less a senile man who was so close to my parents.

At the same time, though, I think a sane person would know this was just an idle fantasy. Who among us could honestly say that we've never thought of committing violence against people? Not plotted, not planned, not committed, just thought. I shouldn't be judged for my thoughts. It's not right.

Predictably, Dumbledore pulled out his wand and slammed me very hard against a wall, his face filled with joy. I don't believe he was taking joy in my suffering, even now. I just believe he was taking joy in seemingly being proven right. Despite everything, even after he hurt Ishtaran, I believe Dumbledore is not a bad man, just an unwell one.

"And so at last your thoughts betray you, Tom," Dumbledore snarled. "I knew you could not keep the façade up forever. It was clever, making me think you were an idiot."

"HEY!" I shouted. I'm a lot of things, but an idiot is not one of them. Dumbledore really touched a nerve there. The Dursleys always called me stupid and other words that would probably get me cancelled if I listed them here. Those words, unlike many of the others they used, always got to me. It's not my fault my brain is way different than anyone else's.

"But now your true nature has revealed itself," Dumbledore said. "You may have learned the tricks of Darth Plagueis and his chain of apprentices." Oh my God, had he actually believed what I told him before break? I had thought someone would have told him the truth by now! "But the light will always shine in the darkness and the darkness will always comprehend it not!"

I didn't know what to do. I still had my wand, but I had no hope of beating Dumbledore in a straight out duel. I had no hope of convincing him he was wrong, not with his thoughts hopelessly twisted by senility and paranoia. Was it possible that after facing down a three headed dog, a possessed defense professor, and a brazen imposter, I would die here and now? I had no options available to me.

Ishtaran, as so often happens, did not get that memo. Ever since Percy taught me how to magically shrink him, I'd taken to all of my classes and none of the teachers had noticed, though we'd had some close calls. Was it against the rules? Probably. But Ishtaran is my friend, and he's just as sentient as you or I. It was wrong to treat him as just an ordinary pet.

Ishtaran leapt at Dumbledore, who turned him into a teacup. The cup fell on the stone floor and a crack formed in it. I let out a high pitched scream. "Please stop," I begged him. "Please, do whatever you want with me, but leave Ishtaran alone. He didn't do anything to you!"

"I saw your thoughts," he said, but his resolve was weakening. Even in his addled state, perhaps he realized that Voldemort would never beg for the life of another. It would never have even occurred to him, even to do as a trick. "I saw the darkness within you."

"And there's no darkness in you?" I shot back, maybe unwisely. "I'm just a kid! I'm not some dark lord or…whatever. I don't know why everyone thinks I'm important, but I'm not. All I'm trying to do is my best."

Dumbledore waved his wand and released me. He turned Ishtaran back into a snake and to my horror, there was a bloody gash in him. He was squealing in pain and if he could cry, there would be tears coming out of his eyes. "You are hurtling headfirst into the darkness, Harry Potter," he warned me. "But perhaps you have not yet descended fully into its inky depths. Take your snake and go. Think about what you have done and how only death awaits you at the end of the path you walk."

I didn't say anything as I left. I was too busy listening to Ishtaran's screams. After taking him directly to the infirmary so Madam Pomfrey could heal him, I tracked down Ron and Hermione and told them about what had happened. Both of them thought I should tell Professor Sinistra, but I didn't want to tell a teacher just yet. Dumbledore had hurt my snake and since Ishtaran couldn't get his revenge, I would have to get it for him.

It's time to give Dumbledore what he wants. If he wants to see a new Dark Lord, that's precisely what he's going to get. But not in the way he might expect.

COMMENTS

instrahnity1: Give Ishtaran our best wishes! We all hope he feels better. And I'm sure you've got a great plan, Harry, but maybe Ron and Hermione are right and you should tell someone?

Ishtaran sends his thanks. He's right as rain now! I've given thought to telling Professor Sinistra, honestly, but if I do that, it becomes a big deal and maybe goes public and that's not a fight I want to fight. Me versus Dumbledore in the court of public opinion? No thanks!

Dear Mum and Dad,

I was sorry you couldn't make it to my Quidditch match, but I know you're having to devote a lot of time trying to make all the arrangements to get Harry away from the Dursleys. You'll be happy to know that I caught the Snitch once again, but unfortunately, we were so far behind that Ravenclaw won the game. It was a disappointment and some people thought I should have waited until we were within spitting distance of victory, but I maintain I made the right choice. The Ravenclaw seeker had spotted the Snitch and gone for it, so we would have lost either way even if I hadn't gotten the Snitch. At least I did my job even if everyone else didn't.

While it wasn't easy, we managed to cast everyone for The Tempest. I didn't manage to make the cut of the cast, but I am a stagehand. Harry wanted me to play Miranda, but Professor Sinistra overrode him. Harry didn't make the cut either, but Ron, of all people, got cast as Prospero. Professor Sinistra wants to make sure there's an equal number of students from all houses in the cast, so that's probably why Harry and I didn't make the cut. Well, probably while I didn't. As much as I adore Harry, he's really not that good at acting. He tends to overdramatize everything. But for the love of God, do not tell him I said that.

(Also, do not tell him about any feelings I may or may not have for him. I happen to know that both of you have undertaken some very sweet endeavors you don't want the other to know about.)

It's really incredible to see magical theater at work. The magic of theater becomes quite literal when all of the special effects can be created by the flick of a wand. It actually seems like there's an actual, real tempest all around us, complete with gale-force winds and actual lightning. I managed to convince Professor Sinistra to let you attend the play if you want! I just have such a good feeling about it.

Harry is in an open feud now with Headmaster Dumbledore. As you may have read on Harry's blog and in the most recent issue of the Hogwarts Gazette, Headmaster Dumbledore is suffering from paranoia as a result of dementia and he's directly targeted Harry, injuring his snake in the process. Harry being, well, Harry, he's decided to drive Dumbledore towards a public display of insanity which will hopefully get him removed by becoming a Dark Lord.

More specifically, a Dark Lord of the Sith.

Back before break, Harry told Dumbledore the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise as a joke and Dumbledore entirely fell for it. He now is convinced Star Wars was entirely real and Harry is the latest Sith Lord. Or something. I'm not entirely sure what goes on in his head. Harry has taken to calling himself Darth Hadrian the Awesome, he's pretended to Force choke Muggleborns who happily went along with the joke, and most impressively of all, he now possesses a fully functional lightsaber.

When he first got the lightsaber, I thought it was just another toy until he carved the letters HP into the wall. I was torn between screaming in horror at seeing a historic castle get vandalized and screaming in joy at seeing an actual lightsaber in front of me. Even though I'm not a super big fan of Star Wars, I do think lightsabers are really, really awesome. What right thinking person doesn't?

"Blimey, Harry, I've never seen a weapon like that," Ron said. "This Star Wars stuff is sure awesome. How'd you even get yourself one of those?"

Harry looked smug. "The goblins forged it for me. I think they appreciated the challenge." He frowned. "It cost a lot of money, though. Though I've still got plenty to spare. But it'll be worth it when we bring Dumbledore to his knees!" He let out a very impressive maniacal laugh. It was…actually kind of scary. Hearing that laugh made it suddenly sound a lot more plausible Dumbledore had fallen for this nonsense. "All shall fall before the wrath of Darth Hadrian the awesome!"

Ron whistled. "Nice. So is Hadrian, like, your real name?"

Harry laughed. "Oh, come on, Ron, that's ridiculous. Who names their kid Hadrian? No, Hadrian was one of the most powerful of the Roman emperors." Ron nodded as if this made sense to him, but I have a hunch he'd never even heard of the Roman Empire before. Hogwarts is incredibly behind when it comes to learning about Muggle history. Half of my peers never even knew there was a Muggle war happening at the same time as the Grindelwald war. (Though I do have to concede the numbers are probably much less alarming outside of Slytherin.) I shudder to think what they'd do if they learned about all the atrocities Mugglekind are capable of.

According to Harry, the most difficulty he'd had in getting the lightsaber forged was convincing the goblins that the sword was actually supposed to make sounds. Obviously, a blade that made sounds was inferior to one that was silent in a combat situation. It took three tries before he got a blade that sounded just as it did in the films.

"I just hope you don't go overboard and start to build a Death Star," I fretted and then as soon as the words had left my mouth, I instantly regretted them. If anyone would build a Death Star, it would probably be Harry. It was a very, very good thing, I realized, that Harry wasn't evil, because an evil Harry would have been such a horrifying threat I don't think anything in the entire cosmos would be safe.

"Eh, knowing Harry, he'd probably end up building, like, five thermal exhaust ports," Ron joked. Harry had shown him the films and Ron was now just as much of a fan as Harry. Though the two of them had not talked for days after Ron said The Last Jedi was his favorite film of the saga.

Harry put his hand to his heart theatrically. "Ron! How could you say such a completely accurate thing?" He lifted his hand and pretended to Force-choke Ron, who gamely pretended to be choking. Unfortunately, Ron turned out to be too good an actor, which, while good news for the potential success of The Tempest, was not a good thing right now.

Headmaster Dumbledore strode up the staircase, carrying the Sorting Hat, with a ferocious glare on his face. Before my very eyes, he somehow managed to draw a sword out of the hat even though there was no logical way it should have fit in there. "Unhand that innocent child, servant of darkness!" he thundered.

Ron immediately stopped pretending to be choking, but it wasn't enough for Headmaster Dumbledore, who finished ascending the staircase and pointed the ruby-encrusted sword at Harry with a furious expression. "EN GARDE!" he screamed at Harry.

Harry let out a squeal of excitement and drew his red lightsaber, flourishing it just like Dooku had done before he fought Yoda. "Harry, I cannot emphasize enough what a very, very stupid idea this is!" I shouted at him. "He is the most powerful wizard in the world and you barely even know how to use that thing!"

He looked at me like I was an idiot. "Hermione. When the hell else am I going to get a chance to fight a lightsaber duel with the most powerful wizard in the world? That's the most awesome thing I can even think of!"

While he had a definite point, getting his head chopped off wouldn't be nearly so awesome. "Headmaster Dumbledore, we were just playing a game." He didn't listen. I wasn't even sure he even heard me.

"You can't win, Darth," Headmaster Dumbledore said solemnly. "If you strike me down, I'll become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Harry's eyes glittered with anticipation. "The dark is generous and it is patient and it always wins."

Headmaster Dumbledore smirked. "Ah, but in the heart of its strength lies weakness. One lone candle is enough to turn it back."

"HE SAID THE THING!" Harry shouted, practically dancing on his heels. I don't even know what the thing was. I didn't recognize that quote from any of the movies. "Oh, one second before we begin. Siri, play Duel of the Fates!" I sighed. Of course he would decide his stupid sword fight needed a soundtrack.

"Ron, get Professor Sinistra! Or Professor McGonagall! Or some adult who can talk some sense into him!"

Ron tilted his head. "Uh, which one of them?"

"At this point, I'd take either!"

Ron ran off and the duel…of the fates, I supposed, was on. And…look, Mum and Dad, I try to be as responsible as possible. I try to follow your example in all things. I try to be levelheaded and adult. I try not to be seduced by the specter of childishness and foolishness. But as much as I hate to admit it, Harry was right. The duel I was witnessing was just the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Headmaster Dumbledore had the advantage of years of experience, but Harry was younger and more agile by far, so as strange as it seemed, the two of them were kind of evenly matched. Much to my disappointment (and bewilderment), the sword did not break when Harry hit it with his lightsaber. Sparks flew, yes, but the sword did not break.

Headmaster Dumbledore hacked away at Harry's lightsaber, relying on raw strength to take Harry down, the strength of an adult versus a child. He did not reckon on Harry's impressive instincts and his ability to turn just about anything into some sort of acrobatic maneuver. Harry had just this wide and stupid and definitely not cute grin on his face the whole time. He had never had so much fun in his entire life and I felt bad about yelling at him nearly continuously to stand down. Not that this stopped me from doing it.

"I will not permit you to corrupt the students of this school any further!" Dumbledore screamed as he unleashed a flurry of blows which Harry barely even managed to parry in time. He should not have. Not at all. I believe that deep down, something in Dumbledore's subconscious which was appalled at the fact he was attacking a child was sabotaging him. Deep down, Dumbledore did not want to win this fight.

"I haven't done anything!" Harry shouted in frustration. "I'm just. An. Ordinary. Kid!" he shrieked and then he proceeded to poke a hole in Dumbledore's shoulder in a move that no ordinary kid truly could have done.

Everyone watching the fight gasped as they saw blood drip down onto the floor. I think they didn't realize the fight was real until that point and just assumed the two of them were putting on a show. But this was no show and I knew I had to stop it. Even if Harry won, he would lose, because he'd go to jail for killing Dumbledore.

Dumbledore laughed. "You are anything but ordinary, Riddle. Your pretentions to modesty did not fool me in the past and they fool me not now!" He gave a gentle smile. "Why don't you put down your sword and we can have peace?"

"Peace," Harry snarled, "is a lie." His strikes started becoming more wild and crazed. Something had snapped within him. Behind what must have been another reference to something Star Wars I didn't recognize was true, genuine hurt. "There is only passion! Through passion, I gain strength! Through strength, I gain power! Through power, I gain victory!" And before my very eyes, though I could hardly believe it, Harry actually managed to disarm Headmaster Dumbledore. "Through victory…" he said in almost a whisper. "My chains are broken."

Headmaster Dumbledore looked as shocked as I was. He looked down at his hands as if expecting the sword to be within them. Harry pointed the lightsaber directly at Headmaster Dumbledore's heart and in that second, I was convinced if I didn't intervene, Harry would actually kill a man right in front of me.

"You left me there," Harry snarled. "At the Dursleys! There were hundreds of people I could have been with – anyone in Britain would have been honored! But you put me there! Every single time I complained, you made the complaints vanish! You knew!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Headmaster Dumbledore said. I believed him, but I don't know if he didn't know because he'd forgotten it in his senility. "Your parents' will was most explicit. 'Assuming they do not predecease us, under no circumstances is Harry to be placed with anyone but Vernon and Petunia Dursley.'"

Harry blinked. "I don't believe you." I did. "They wouldn't have done that to me."

Headmaster Dumbledore gave a nearly broken laugh. "Family…can surprise you sometimes, my boy. For good and ill." He seemed to recall an unpleasant memory and shivered.

I stepped between the two of them. "Killing him would just prove he was right about you. Can you live with that? Can you let him die satisfied he was right?" I knew the usual spiels about honor and duty and righteousness wouldn't work on Harry, so I picked an approach that would appeal to his bloody-minded stubbornness.

Harry deactivated the lightsaber. "I'm not the enemy here. And I think you know that."

Dumbledore picked the sword off the ground. Dead silence filled the room for twenty seconds. He raised it a fraction of a centimeter, but then he spotted Ron returning with Professor McGonagall and he walked away without another word.

Ever since that fight, no one's seen hide nor hair of Dumbledore. I'm relieved about that, in a sense, but I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop. Still, I have lots to keep me distracted while I wait. I'm acing all my classes, I'm slowly getting people to like me (or at least tolerate me) in Slytherin, and Harry hasn't died yet, so all in all, I'd say life is good.

Love,

Hermione

Dear Mrs. Weasley,

As you recall from our previous correspondence, for legal purposes, you are technically my client as I pursue the various legal endeavors involving Harry Potter, though Mr. Potter, I understand, is loaning you the money to pay me. As such, it is my legal responsibility to provide you with a thorough understanding of what I am doing for Mr. Potter, regardless of Mr. Potter's wishes, within reason. Mr. Potter approached me not soon after his legendary "lightsaber battle" with Albus Dumbledore and asked me to get the Board of Governors to force him to resign. No pun intended according to him, though I confess I do not see what he means by that.

Given that Mr. Dumbledore attacked my client because he mistook what was quite obviously a child's game for an actual assault, I had to concur with Mr. Potter here. Mr. Dumbledore, despite being a man of vision and wisdom in his younger days, has become unable to execute his duties and has become an active danger to the students and staff. So I therefore accompanied Mr. Potter to the most recent meeting of the Board of Governors.

As soon as the two of us entered the room, Mr. Dumbledore drew his wand, much to the alarm of the other governors. Mr. Potter, as we had previously discussed, also drew his wand, but only to give it to me for safekeeping. Then he sat down on a chair and looked at Mr. Dumbledore rather smugly, almost as if he was daring the headmaster to cast a spell. Mr. Dumbledore instead holstered his wand rather sulkily.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the board," Mr. Potter began in a thoroughly rehearsed show of politeness, "I come here before you with tragic news: the cheese has slid off of Professor Dumbledore's cracker." The board stared at him with incredulity.

I sighed wearily, a sound I very frequently do among Mr. Potter and I know I am not alone in that. He's really a very good boy, but incredibly infuriating at times. "What Mr. Potter means by that rather esoteric Muggle idiom is that Headmaster Dumbledore has proven himself to be mentally incapable of executing the job of headmaster and is now a danger to himself and others."

"Nonsense!" Dumbledore said jauntily. "This boy is the next Dark Lord!" He looked around conspiratorially. "He apprenticed under Darth Vader, you know." All of the Muggleborns on the board…the very few that were there, looked sick to their stomach at the realization Dumbledore believed every word he was saying. "He was plotting to murder me! I saw it in his head! He was going to smash my head open with my tray of lemon drops."

Mr. Potter looked genuinely repentant. "It's true I had a moment of…frustration and thought, only thought, about doing it. But really, who among us here hasn't?"

"The child makes a superb point," Governor Malfoy said smugly, though honestly I feel he is incapable of talking in any other tone. "I myself often fantasize of subjecting our glorious Supreme Mugwump to an entrails expelling curse." Everyone looked at him, even the more blood supremacy sympathetic members, with faint disgust. "Though of course I would never act on it."

Governor Shafiq leaned forward, trying his best to look sympathetic. "Albus, if you were so concerned Mr. Potter was a threat to you, why did you not notify the DMLE?"

Mr. Dumbledore coughed. "I was convinced I could handle matters in house."

At that point, I placed the notarized affidavit I had Harry complete regarding the fight upon the table. Everyone looked through it with near identical expressions of bewilderment and alarm. (Though I really tried my best, the essential…Harry-ness of anything Harry writes isn't something I could filter out entirely. Not without making it look like he didn't write it, anyway.)

"You attacked Mr. Potter unprovoked," Governor Greengrass noted.

"Not so!" Headmaster Dumbledore said triumphantly. "Mr. Potter was strangling Mr. Weasley!"

Governor Greengrass sighed, looking very weary. At this point, I really believed it was starting to sink in that I was right and Dumbledore did have to be removed as headmaster. "And do you have any proof of these alleged injuries?"

"Well…no," Mr. Dumbledore admitted.

"Did you get Mr. Weasley to the infirmary? Was he treated for any injuries?"

Dumbledore looked troubled. "I'm afraid I do not recall…"

"Yes," Governor Greengrass said kindly. "I do believe that." He shook his head in dismay. "The situation before us is complex. Mr. Potter has been intentionally provoking Headmaster Dumbledore into believing he has crowned himself the next dark lord. At the same time, Headmaster Dumbledore has overreacted to what appears to be a grandiose affectation of a child."

Governor Ted Tonks, one of the few Muggleborns on the board, cleared his throat. "If I may provide some context, William. Mr. Potter has been making references to a popular Muggle film." Many of the governors stared at him uncomprehendingly. He gave a long suffering sigh. "A piece of entertainment, fictional."

Governor Bulstrode scoffed. "As if the headmaster was supposed to be familiar with every piece of media the Muggles put out."

"Headmaster Dumbledore is a self-proclaimed expert in Muggle culture, however," I reminded her. "By his own words, he should have been aware of such a thing. And even if he did not, the fact remains, it was obvious Harry was just playing a game of make-believe. We cannot have a man who cannot tell fiction from reality watching over our children."

Mr. Dumbledore looked up actually looking…happy for some reason. "Then it was just a prank? A well-put together ruse?"

"You shouldn't have hurt my snake," Mr. Potter said coldly.

"Oh, how marvelous!" Dumbledore said, clapping his hands in delight. "I must say, you had me completely taken in! Oh, ladies and gentlemen of the board, please, I beg of you, forgive an old man's folly. Mr. Potter is merely a purveyor of mischief, like his dear father before him. I take full responsibility for our little fight, but no one was hurt but I."

I took no pleasure in doing what had to be done, Mrs. Weasley. I really didn't. I don't think Mr. Dumbledore is a bad man, but I believe he needed to be removed as headmaster. "I disagree, headmaster. Today it is a snake and nearly Harry, but who knows what it is tomorrow? Need I remind you all that this man hired a professor possessed by the shade of You Know Who?"

"I call for a vote on whether or not to remove Headmaster Dumbledore effective immediately," Governor Shafiq decided.

The vote failed by one, but another vote to remove him at the end of the current school year passed. Another vote empowering any of the four head teachers to place any order he gives under review and countermand the order with a majority of head teachers also passed. Bit by bit, the board stripped his power until he was really nothing more than a figurehead. With Professor McGonagall given so much of Dumbledore's power and thus responsibilities, it was decided she would temporarily hand over her position as head of Gryffindor to Governor Shafiq until the end of the year.

I expected Dumbledore to try to protest, fight back either verbally or magically, but he just stood there and took it, looking as if he could not believe this was happening to him. In the end, when they were done, he walked away without a comment. I question whether he'll even remember anything that happened in the meeting tomorrow.

"There's one other matter I have to bring to your attention," Mr. Potter said much to my alarm, as he'd never mentioned another matter before. "Colm O'Neill, potions professor, is a Squib." I couldn't understand why he blatantly lied to the board for a moment, but then I got it. If he was a Muggle, he would have his memory wiped, but if he was a Squib, he would just get sacked for misrepresenting himself. Harry just couldn't deny anyone the magical world.

"I presume you have proof of this," Governor Malfoy sneered.

I sighed. I did have a hunch this matter would come to light sooner or later, so I was actually carrying the documents confirming that O'Neill, at least, was lying about his documentation and past. The board seemed convinced. "Mr. O'Neill confessed to Mr. Potter regarding his lack of magic," I said, not technically lying. "I'm afraid you'll have to take his word for that, but you can at least see he is definitively not who he says he is."

Governor Malfoy shook his head in dismay. "First he hires the madman who mind controlled me, and now a Squib. What's next, a half-giant? I move that this Squib be fired posthaste!"

The vote passed unanimously. The board proceeded to move to try to cajole former Professor Slughorn into coming out of retirement. Governor Malfoy moved to rehire Professor Snape and the vote failed. In the meantime, it was decided that Governor Greengrass substitute as the potions teacher until such a time as Professor Slughorn made a decision about whether or not to take on the job.

"There's just one more little favor I have to ask of you," Mr. Potter said with a sly grin. I had a very bad feeling about this. "Mr. Percy Weasley of Gryffindor wants to be resorted. It would be terrible if the Daily Prophet found out you'd let a Squib sneak into the school."

"Are you seriously attempting to blackmail the Board of Governors?!" Governor Malfoy said incredulously.

Mr. Potter shrugged. "You'd do the same if it was your friend, sir."

I put up a hand. "These minutes are a matter of public record. Mr. Potter would break no laws by bringing them to the attention of the Daily Prophet. However, if he was distracted by Mr. Weasley's successful resorting – well, Mr. Potter's lack of attention span is quite legendary. I'm sure you understand."

The board narrowly voted to have Mr. Weasley resorted and then unanimously voted to kick us both out. I can't say I blamed them – my own hand was up during the vote even though it wouldn't count.

"Well, that went well!" Mr. Potter said jauntily.

"Please don't ever pull something like that again," I begged. "Why did you sell out O'Neill? I thought you'd come to an understanding."

Mr. Potter sighed. "Look, I sympathize with him. I really do. I'd have done exactly the same thing in his shoes. But potions is dangerous and we need someone who can cast the necessary healing spells! If he'd come in as the History or Muggle Studies professor or something that wasn't dangerous, I wouldn't have said a word. But he put my housemates in danger, and I protect my own. And now Percy gets to fulfill his dream and O'Neill can find some other job in the magical world. Everyone wins!"

Anyway, I'm just going to leave it at that. Some things need no further elaboration. I hope this letter finds you well.

Sincerely,

Isabel Cheatham