Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

VietNyoCan: Stand Up

Canada sighed as she felt her headache building. America, England and France were engaged in a yelling match, and Turkey and Greece got involved in a different yelling match. And Germany was too busy tending to Italy, who had apparently been bitten by a spider during the meeting and was afraid that he would need to go to the hospital because what if it was a venomous spider and what if it made a terrible scar and it hurt and it…

She shook her head, trying to clear it. She sighed, before she made some notes. She smiled as she realised that she could use some of this.

Finally, Germany called the meeting to an end for the day, recognising that there was no way to continue with all of this chaos. Everyone grumbled as they packed up, some of them glaring at each other. Canada packed up her things, not in a hurry. She didn't want to get trampled again. But she also didn't want to take too long to pack up all of her things, because that would mean being locked in the conference room. Again.

"What's that?" a voice asked in her ear.

Canada jumped, slamming her notebook shut. She turned around to see Vietnam there, looking between the book and her.

"I-it's nothing," Canada squeaked.

After a moment, Vietnam shrugged.

"I suppose it's not my business," Vietnam said. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you…"

A crash made the two women jump. At the door, some of the nations were trying to pull Hungary and Romania away from each other. They were screaming all sorts of obscenities at each other, and each one's hair looked as though they had walked through a field of balloons. Canada wouldn't be surprised if the two of them had large chunks missing.

"It's always like this," Vietnam sighed. "Now, as I was saying…"

There was another harsh sound, this one sounding like an angry roar. Singapore was pounding his fists against Malaysia, who was trying to protect himself against the blows.

"And I'm going to have to play big sister again," Vietnam sighed. "I'm sorry, Canada. I'll see you tomorrow."

Canada watched her leaving, knowing that Vietnam wasn't likely to remember anything she wanted to ask Canada. She sighed, before she finished her packing. Perhaps she could go to her hotel room and get a shower. There was a bar that she wanted to check out, and she smiled. She needed to relax, and she had the best way to do so.

…

Canada was only a little nervous. She always was when she went up on stage. One never knew if the crowd would appreciate the material.

She took a deep breath, before she went up on stage. She smiled at the polite applause as the crowd watched her, hoping that she could entertain them almost as much as she hoped she could.

"How's everyone doing tonight?" she greeted, to which she received a few cheers. It was always good to open like that. "I'm sorry, I'm Canadian. We are required to be polite at all times. For example: if you don't apologise when a stranger steps on your foot, you can be fined. 'I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have to pay twenty dollars. Please pay at your earliest convenience, and have a nice day. We hope this doesn't inconvenience you in any way.'"

The crowd laughed.

"But seriously, being Canadian can be tough sometimes," she said. "Since we're not loud enough or rude enough, the rest of the world tends to forget we're there. Unless it's hockey season. Then they like to call us hellspawn." Another loud laugh. "You know, working with people from different countries can be a pain in the butt. It's all the culture shock, you know? Like, I don't care if you call it 'love' in France. Groping other people against their will, making lewd remarks, and taking photos of them while they're sleeping is harassment. And don't you go biting the handkerchief with tears in your eyes when people don't want to invite you anywhere. No one's feeling sorry for you when you're being a drama queen."

She waited for the laughter to die down before she continued.

"And then there's this Russian co-worker of mine. Buddy, lay off the vodka. It's messing with your eyesight. That's not a chair you're sitting on, that's me! Have you ever had a bear sitting on your lap? At least the bear didn't threaten to break my legs." Another laugh. She then switched to a British accent. "And then there's this other man. Posh, and oh-so-very-British. But just because you have a cup of tea with your pinkie in the air doesn't mean you're a bloody gentleman. A true gentleman doesn't use language that would make a hundred sailors blush. And a true gentleman doesn't have a yelling match during a meeting with the Frenchman who's sitting on the other side of the meeting room simply because the Frenchman doesn't like your tie. You're not a gentleman. You're a sleep-deprived toddler with a wet diaper."

The crowd roared with laughter.

"And don't even get me started on the American," she said. "His voice is so loud, if you give him a microphone, the speakers will explode. And then the microphone wouldn't even be on. And he always thinks that everyone always wants to hear everything he says. 'I just beat my personal high score in my favourite videogame for the tenth time. I just ate five hamburgers in three minutes. I just had a huge dump in the bathroom because of all the junk food I like to eat.' No one cares!"

The crowd laughed. Canada bowed.

"Thank you everyone, you've been a great audience!" she said, before she went off the stage.

She felt better. It felt nice to vent, and she was glad that she could at least make some people laugh. It was nice to have at least some people that cared about what she had to say.

…

In a corner of the bar, someone gritted his teeth. He had followed Canada, wondering what she was doing at a bar. When she first stepped on the stage, he expected her to sing. He did not expect… that.

He'd thought that the first part was funny, and then the insults came. He didn't expect that she of all people could say things like that, especially not about him. But she certainly wouldn't be joking soon enough.

He tapped his phone, and the recording stopped. He would have to check on it later, and he wondered what the others would think about it.

…

Canada sighed. It was the last day of the conference, and she couldn't wait to return to her home and curl up in front of the fire.

America went up to the podium, and his smile was a bit unusual. Canada frowned. What was it this time?

"Hey guys," America said. "So, I've been at a bar this past week where I've been watching this stand-up comic."

Canada turned cold. America couldn't mean…

"Why should we care about how you waste your time?" England asked.

"Because the 'comedian' happens to be a nation here, and her material just happens to be about us," America said. He grinned as he looked directly at Canada. "Right, Maddie?"

Out of all the times for the world to notice her, it had to be now, when she wanted nothing more than to be invisible. She used comedy in order to vent. The things she would say…

"I even took the liberty of recording her shows on my phone," America said. "And I brought a speaker, so everyone can get the full experience straight from her."

Canada sank down in her seat. She whimpered when she heard her own voice over the speaker.

Like, I don't care if you call it 'love' in France. Groping other people against their will, making lewd remarks, and taking photos of them while they're sleeping is harassment.

"Excuse me!" France exclaimed, his eyes bulging, while England burst out laughing, along with a few other nations.

And then there's this Russian co-worker of mine. Buddy, lay off the vodka. It's messing with your eyesight. That's not a chair you're sitting on, that's me! Have you ever had a bear sitting on your lap? At least the bear didn't threaten to break my legs.

Canada's eyes flitted to Russia. No one dared to laugh at Russia, though there were a few that were clearly tempted to do so. Russia didn't even have that smile on his face, and he was glaring at Canada. He was really mad.

And then there's this other man. Posh, and oh-so-very-British. But just because you have a cup of tea with your pinkie in the air doesn't mean you're a bloody gentleman.

"What?!" England shrieked, and France had his fun laughing at his expense.

America then chose to stop the recording. Canada remembered that night, and knew that America was supposed to be next. He must have not wanted the other nations to laugh at him. Hypocrite.

"There's at least three more of these," America said.

"While it's been entertaining," Germany said, and Canada could see that he was slightly amused as well, "this is not an issue for us to discuss at a meeting."

Canada sighed. It would seem that Germany was her hero for the day.

"Oh, so you're telling me that you don't want to hear Canada describing you as a 'control freak Nazi'?" America asked.

Canada froze while Germany tensed. Yes, she had called him a control freak, but she did not use the word 'Nazi'. That was something that she wouldn't joke about. She refrained from using any historical references due to understanding that it had little to do with their personalities and attitudes.

"What?" Germany asked.

"She also had a thing or two to say about both Italies," America continued, "Turkey, Greece, Romania, Hungary, Malaysia, Singapore… And that's just what I saw. Who knows how long she's been doing this type of thing."

All eyes turned to her, a mixture of anger and suspicion focused on her. Canada squeaked, before jumping out of the chair and running to the door. She heard the sound of scraping chairs as she escaped the room.

"Get back here!" England's voice called after her.

Canada had no intention of finding out what they intended to do to her. And so, she continued to run, taking as many corners as possible.

She yelped when someone grabbed her arm and pulled her through a door. She was soon covered in darkness, not that it mattered. Her eyes were clenched shut, waiting for the retaliation.

"That should buy us some time," a voice said.

Canada recognised the voice. She opened her eyes to find Vietnam standing in front of her. She blinked, not quite understanding what was going on.

"Vietnam?" she questioned. "What are you…? How did you…?"

"You didn't realise it, but you circled back to the meeting room," Vietnam explained. "As soon as I realised what was going on, I decided to wait for you here. I don't think anyone saw us."

Soon enough, they heard a stampede outside. Canada tensed while Vietnam held her in her arms, and eventually the stampede disappeared. Canada sighed in relief.

"Thank you," she said. "But, why did you help me?"

Vietnam didn't answer. Instead, she kissed Canada. The younger nation's eyes widened, and she felt the temperature in her face rise. It only lasted a few seconds, and Vietnam pulled away.

"I've been trying to ask you out all week," Vietnam explained. "And we're finally alone, and hopefully we won't be interrupted."

"B-but… A-aren't you w-worried about… w-what I said?" Canada asked. "A-all those jokes…"

"I know you're not malicious. And they were pretty funny. They should really learn to not take themselves so seriously. So… What kinds of things did you say about me?"

"N-nothing. I-I used stand-up comedy to vent, a-and there was never a reason for me to vent against you, and…"

"Then in that case… I think they stopped looking for you, and I don't know if it's such a good idea to go to the meeting room again. Do you want to go and find a place where I can see your routine?"

Canada smiled and nodded. She hoped that she could make Vietnam laugh.

The prompt is: 'As a way to vent her resentment about being overshadowed and ignored, Fem!Canada does stand-up comedy about the nations (her style would be like Joan Rivers, but obviously not as ruthless XD). Her main targets are whatever nations get caught up in brawls (i.e. Romania and Hungary, France/England, England/China) at each meeting, as well as Russia sitting on her. Someone finds out about this, records her in action and exposes them to the conference via Bluetooth speaker. Naturally, all of the nations she targeted are furious. She gets chased until nation B (who has a crush on her) hides her in a closet and directs the nations another way.'

I'm sorry if the jokes failed epically. I don't usually watch stand-up comedy (I don't dislike it, I just don't go out of my way to look for it), and I've only seen Joan Rivers a few times. I did listen to some of her material in preparation of this chapter, though.