CHAPTER 22 - NEXUS

Afflatus watched Bliss' expression contort through every emotion as she, Harlem, and Violet explained what happened. Like Afflatus, she looked satisfied with Lustre's punishment, but the explanation of Marcus' demise only brought dread. Revulsion curled Bliss' lips, and tension coiled her muscles.

"I think I heard them on my way out of the mansion…" Bliss said, eyes unfocused, flickering. "Umm… I think I need a moment." She stood and walked about twenty feet away before sitting down again, back facing the small group.

Harlem's expression mirrored Bliss'… Afflatus hoped he pulled himself together, as callous as the thought was, it was unnerving to see the man who was usually so suave and aloof so…devastated. The guilt overshadowed his usual composure.

What a group they were. Only Violet seemed to be holding himself together, but Afflatus didn't know how. He had a firsthand seat to the aftermath of Harlem's, and some of Bliss', tumultuous experiences at the hands of the Capitol- his support was generous but sure to be exhausting. And Afflatus has no idea the treatment he faced from the Capitol himself; what else compounded the emotional drainage. Her eyelids felt so heavy.

Violet subtly rubbed circles into Harlem's back, then leaned closer and whispered something in his ear. Harlem nodded and seemed to straighten up as he pulled Violet in for a hug. A sigh escaped Violet's lips, and his calm expression cracked momentarily, wrapped in Harlem's arms. Afflatus averted her gaze. They deserved a moment of privacy. Of course, Violet was weathered like the rest of them, but it was currently his turn to hold it together, so he did his best to fulfil his role.

Upon further examination, though, he had his tells. The way he hid behind his hair to cover expressions of distress. The bags under his eyes from fretful sleep. A heaviness about his manner. The feeling of powerlessness was in abundance, and it seemed to drive people over the edge at different paces.

Afflatus guts roiled and clenched, pain infuriating. She'd never had such brutal, sequential hangovers in her life. Not that she was that old, but at the ripe age of twenty-seven, she didn't have the ability to metabolize liquor like she used to in her early twenties (and teenage years). The days upon days of booze and pills always caught up to her in the mornings. The more consecutive days she abused substances, the worse her hangovers were.

Usually, she woke from the pain in her stomach. Underfed, oversaturated with poison. The painkillers helped, but her growing need for them scared her. The Capitol happily supplied her, always, but she was keenly aware that could change at any second. She didn't want to turn into a fiend who ripped apart her kitchen and upended fridges and stoves on the off chance a pill had fallen somewhere below.

But there was little about the life she lived that she wanted. The pills may be another way the Capitolite fucks could control her, but at the very least she would't be as uncomfortable as it was happening. It was a pathetic mindset, not a career mindset. Pain was weakness leaving the body, it was one's duty to suffer in silence until it stopped hurting. But what if it never stopped hurting?

Another wave of nausea. She prayed she wouldn't throw up again, already embarrassing herself enough on the walk over. Afflatus gripped her knees and breathed heavily.

"Afflatus…?" Violet asked. She gave him a weak smile. "Are you okay?"

"Just tired." Afflatus shrugged and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

The motion was enough to tip the scales because the next thing Afflatus knew, vomit spewed from her lips. She leaned away from Violet and Harlem, on all fours, panting. Hair cascaded around her face.

As soon at it appeared, though, it was gone. Violet and Harlem appeared at her side, holding her hair out of her face. She was about to tell them it was fine, they didn't need to witness her disgusting display, but instead, more vomit erupted from her guts. She coughed, trying to clear her mouth. There was so much bile in her throat.

All the sudden, a sneeze. Stomach acid burned Afflatus' sinuses. The introduction of acid to her airway aggravated it, irritated mucus closing her airway. She could only breathe in small gasps, throat closing in between puffs of air. The desperate huffing alarmed the men beside her.

"Should I call an ambulance?" Violet asked.

"I don't know." Harlem said, dismayed.

"N-…No." Afflatus choked out. This wasn't the first time she'd experienced this problem. She just had to wait, eventually her body would stop freaking out. At the moment, she wasn't dying, even if it might look like it.

"Are you sure?" Violet asked, desperation creeping into his tone. The grass rustled beside them.

"What's going on?" Bliss demanded.

"Afflatus was vomiting and now she's having trouble breathing." Violet said, as evenly as possible. "She doesn't want us to call for help."

Another wave of vomit. Nothing solid was left in her system, just burning bile.

"I-I'm-… Fine." The panic around her wasn't helping Afflatus stay calm. "Ju-st… a…mo-ment…"

Harlem and Violet started arguing. Bliss herded them away. Afflatus caught pieces of their conversation, the sound of her fractured breathing blotting out most sound. Harlem wanted to call for help, afraid she was going to die. Bliss countered, wanting to honour Afflatus' wishes. Violet mediated.

Finally, Afflatus' diaphragm released, and her airways accepted more than small gasps. She slowly regained the ability fill her lungs, and drank in the fresh air. She spat a few times, then rolled to a sitting position. The others returned.

"See?… Fine." Afflatus said, weakly. Harlem looked at her pointedly. Bliss ran a hand through her hair, groaning.

"Okay. I think we need to establish some ground rules." Violet said.

"What do you mean?" Bliss asked.

"When we're together, we should be honest. I know it's hard, okay? Fuck…" Violet ran a hand through his locs, trying to quash the anxiety in his voice. "We always have to pretend when we're around other people, but it's unnerving when it's just between us… I don't think it's because we don't trust each other, but being evasive and covering up the extent of our problems only sets a precedent and sends a message maybe that's what we all should do… You're not fine, Afflatus. None of us are. We aren't going to make it if we lie to each other." He paused.

"Not every day is going to be our worst day, but unfortunately, you don't get to choose when you need help. So, for everyone's sanity and well-being, let's cut the crap." A flush rose over Violet's dark skin.

Afflatus picked at the grass. "I'm sorry… I know." She couldn't meet his eyes, but her concession deflated Violet's anxiety. She heard his breathing begin to even out. "I'm just not used to having people I can…" she couldn't force the word 'trust' to leave her lips, like if she named the tentative emotional bond, it would shatter. The others seemed to understand. though. "No more bullshit." Afflatus promised.

"Why's it worse this year, Afflatus?" Harlem asked, quietly.

"Umm…" Afflatus tried to conjure the words. "I'm having to adjust to new realities." The answer was weak. She didn't look up, but was sure if she did, she'd be met with expectant expressions.

She tried explaining again. "Lustre… brought back a lot of memories. Of my Games…" Harlem and Violet looked understandably confused. The final cut of her Games didn't reveal the barbaric treatment she'd undergone, and she'd told nobody but Bliss.

Afflatus took a breath. "I don't really want to get into it right now, but I don't mind if Bliss fills you in later… Just keep in mind they threatened to kill my family if I told anyone so… keep it to yourselves. And… the Capitol's kept me on a shorter leash this year. It's like… everywhere I turn I'm doing something wrong or getting hurt… I just don't know what they want from me. I don't know how they expect me to keep it together."

It was more of a confession than any other she'd given anyone over the years. The courage it took to force the words out rivalled some battles she'd won during her Games. The vulnerability, and the opportunity to be judged, all bore down on her. Darkness blanketed her brain. She felt soft, like she was nothing. Bliss' hand found hers. The strange touch-but-not-quite through her metal limb registered in her brain. She squeezed her friend's hand. "I'm sorry… I probably sound stupid."

"No." The others said in unison.

"When you have a bad day, call one of us up. Or come to D7…" Bliss urged. "You're so much more than what they've done to you." She echoed Afflatus' earlier sentiment.

Tears sprung into Afflatus' eyes, but to her surprise, she didn't feel embarrassed. Without the garbled emotion-on-emotion crime, her tears fell freely, unstuck. Bliss pulled her into a hug. Afflatus returned the gesture.

"How are you feeling now, Bliss?" Afflatus asked, pulling away.

Bliss scratched her head. "My memory's still a little hazy, but I can remember most of what happened now… Thank you guys, I know it wasn't easy to tell me." She said, and the others nodded in acknowledgement. "I feel… I don't know yet. I'll let you know when I work it out. But… I think I'm going to be okay." She finished the statement quietly, as if talking primarily to herself.

"You will." Afflatus said. "…Well, since we're checking in… Boys?" She turned her attention to Violet and Harlem.

Harlem withdrew, shrinking into himself. He shrugged and shook his head. It wouldn't be ideal to push him.

"I think this year's been worse than usual for all of us." Violet said, rubbing the edges of his eyes, sad. A moment of silence fell over the group, lost in individual and collective worries.

"What are you going to do with your notes, Bliss?" Violet finally asked.

"I'll burn them before we leave. I just want some more time to memorize them first." Bliss answered. The answer seemed to satisfy Violet.

"Speaking of leaving…" Afflatus cleared her throat. She didn't think she'd be brave enough to ask Bliss her next question, but the presence of the others put her at ease. "I was wondering if you'd accompany me back to D1, Bliss? I want to speak with the other victors. There's been shady shit happening for years. I thought it was best to ignore each other as much as possible, but I'm done backing down… I just…" don't want to be alone. The last words sounded too pathetic to say aloud. Bliss seemed to understand, though.

"Yes, I'll come. Definitely. I need to get home to Ambrosia-" the words were a spear through Afflatus' heart "but I can come for a few days, a week even." Bliss answered.

Afflatus' reasons weren't entirely selfish… of course she wanted Bliss' help, and she selfishly craved the company of her friend, but she also wanted to keep an eye on her. The trauma of the previous night would continue to batter Bliss, for weeks to come. Harlem seemed too withdrawn to support both himself, and Bliss, and Ambrosia would be overwhelmed dealing with everything by herself. Perhaps giving them some time apart would allow Harlem to find his footing again.

"It's settled, then." Afflatus said, smiling. Bliss returned to expression. Neither of their smiles fully reached their eyes, but it was the best they could do.

The group decided to depart. The walk back to the Training Centre passed in silence. The four victors were comfortable in each other's presence, but nobody could fully relax, still trapped in the Capitol. In less than twenty-four hours, though, they'd be on their way. Sadness pricked Afflatus' heart, she wouldn't see them for another year, likely, and they'd be thrown into the worst circumstances yet again… and she'd be probably be mentoring with Lustre.

The thought was enough to make her throw up again. The bile didn't travel up her sinuses this time, though, and she recovered quickly. She still had to stop for a moment to find her breath, though, but assured the group she was alright. Afflatus hoped stray there weren't stray paparazzi hanging around, they'd love to get a messy shot of her.

Before the group entered the building, Violet tried to draw Harlem out of his shell, whispering assurances to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Nothing eased the storm in Harlem's expression, though. Bliss looked lost in her own world.

An urge overtook Afflatus. "Harlem?" He looked up at her. She opened her arms, offering him a hug. They'd barely touched each other in all the years they'd been aquatinted. She wasn't one to offer physical comfort, usually.

Harlem crossed to small space between them and fit himself in her arms. She supported his weight, and felt his heart rapidly beating against her chest. She didn't say anything, the sweet-nothing department already covered by Violet. The gesture was enough, though. Harlem's heart rate began to slow. When they pulled apart, he thanked her.

The group returned to the D7 apartment, Afflatus none-too-eager to face the D1 victors before they were on her turf.

Hours passed, Bliss was uncharacteristically quiet. She wasn't spacing out, though, her mind was spinning. She tried to assemble the puzzle pieces of her thoughts to form a broader picture. Afflatus was comfortable in the silence, though, and actually managed to drift off into sleep.